Frasier (1993–2004): Season 3, Episode 4 - Leapin' Lizards - full transcript

HELLO, NILES.

FRASIER, QUICK, GIVE ME YOUR
MUSEUM MEMBERSHIP CARD.

TICKETS GO ON SALE TODAY

FOR THE EXHIBIT OF 14th CENTURY
JAPANESE NETSUKE FIGURINES.

THEN THE RUMORS WERE TRUE.

HURRY, I WANT TO GET THERE
BEFORE THE LINE FORMS.

FIVE SECONDS.

OH, JUST GIVE ME
A MINUTE, NILES.

SIT TIGHT.

( clears throat)

AND WE'RE BACK.



BEFORE WE TAKE OUR LAST CALL

I'D LIKE TO REMIND YOU
THAT "MERCY HOSPITAL

"WILL BE CONDUCTING FREE
BLOOD PRESSURE TESTING

"THIS SATURDAY
ON WHIDBEY ISLAND.

"HYPERTENSION LEADS TO STROKE

"HEART DISEASE
AND OTHER MALADIES.

"SO, WE SHOULD ALL
BE ON THE LOOKOUT

"FOR SYMPTOMS LIKE
SHORTNESS OF BREATH

"QUICKENING OF PULSE

IRRITABILITY..." WILL YOU JUST

SHOVE THE DAMN
THING IN YOUR MOUTH?!

"LET'S ALL JOIN TOGETHER

TO HELP DEFEAT
THIS SILENT KILLER":

ROZ, WHO'S ON THE LINE?



ON LINE 4 WE HAVE MAC

WHO'S RECENTLY MOVED
HERE FROM AUSTRALIA

AND HE'S HAVING A
PROBLEM WITH A CO-WORKER.

HELLO, MAC, WELCOME TO SEATTLE.

I'M LISTENING.

Well, mate, it's
like the sheila said.

I'm working with a real yobbo.

He goes on and on about things
nobody gives a billabong about

just to show off
how smart he is.

WELL, YOU'LL HAVE
MY SYMPATHY THERE.

THERE'S NOTHING MORE IRRITATING

THAN POINTLESS AND
PRETENTIOUS ERUDITION.

MY ADVICE TO YOU IS,
TO, UH, SIMPLE AVOID HIM.

IS THAT POSSIBLE?

Not really, you bloody wallaby.

You're on right before me.

Stay tuned

for the Bulldog.

Arf!

WELL, THAT'S ONE ON ME...

OR RATHER ONE ON ME
AND MY CALL-SCREENER, ROZ

WHOSE ANCESTORS

WERE ONCE HEARD REMARKING

"OH, WHAT A NICE WOODEN
HORSE. OF COURSE I'LL SIGN FOR IT."

THIS IS DR. FRASIER CRANE
WISHING YOU GOOD MENTAL HEALTH.

GOTCHA!

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I ASKED YOU

TO DESIST WITH YOUR
ADOLESCENT ANTICS?

AW, GET A SENSE OF HUMOR.

I WILL GO OVER YOUR HEAD.

OH, STOP IT. YOU SCARE ME.

LISTEN, YOU SLEAZY,
LITTLE LYME TICK.

YOU DO THAT ONE MORE
TIME AND I'LL CUT YOU OFF

AND I DON'T MEAN MID-SENTENCE.

STOP IT. YOU'RE SCARING ME.

I CAN'T BELIEVE

THE SOPHOMORIC HIGH
JINKS I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH.

NO? WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT

FROM A STATION WHOSE
CURRENT MOTTO IS

"YAKETY-YAK, WE TALK BACK?"

RUN ALONG, NILES.

AH, HELLO, DR. CRANE.

MS. COSTAS, MEET MY
BROTHER, DR. NILES CRANE.

HOW DO YOU DO?

ENCHANTE.

I'D LOVE TO STAY AND CHAT

BUT I'M OFF TO GET
TICKETS FOR FRASIER AND ME

TO THE JAPANESE NETSUKE EXHIBIT.

YOU'LL LOVE IT. I
SAW IT IN KYOTO.

IT'S A SHAME THEY'RE NOT
LETTING THE REALLY RARE PIECES

OUT OF THE COUNTRY.

OH.

AS MY JAPANESE GARDENER SAYS

IMAIMASHI CHIKUSHO.

WATCH YOUR MOUTH.

OH, YOU SPEAK JAPANESE?

WELL...

I'LL JUST RETREAT NOW

SO THAT I CAN BE ONE
WITH MY HUMILIATION.

UH, KATE, CAN I HAVE
A WORD WITH YOU?

I'M IN KIND OF A HURRY.

IT WILL JUST TAKE A MOMENT.

I SERIOUSLY DOUBT
THAT, BUT GO AHEAD.

I'VE TRIED TO DEAL WITH
THIS PROBLEM ON MY OWN

BUT BULLDOG INSISTS ON
INTERRUPTING MY SHOW

WITH HIS FOOLISH PRANKS.

YEAH, I HEARD.

I DID NOT SPEND

EIGHT GRUELING YEARS AT HARVARD

TO BE MOCKED BY
THAT JUVENILE JACKASS.

SHAMELESS.

OH, HE'S BEYOND SHAMELESS.

I'M TALKING ABOUT THE WAY

YOU MANAGE TO GET "HARVARD"
INTO EVERY CONVERSATION.

WELL, I'M SURE YOU'LL MENTION
YOUR ALMA MATER TOO, SOMEDAY

WHEN IT'S ACCREDITED.

GEE, YOU SURE KNOW
HOW TO ASK FOR HELP.

OH, I'M SORRY.

ALL RIGHT. I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

MAKE SURE HE UNDERSTANDS...

YOU WENT TO HARVARD.

I KNOW. I'LL TELL HIM.

Man: Look, the key to this
game is the Huskies' secondary.

JACK, HOW CAN I PUT
THIS TO YOU DELICATELY?

YOU'RE A MORON. SHUT UP.

YOU DON'T KNOW SQUAT.

YOU KNOW LESS THAN SQUAT.

YOU AND SQUAT COULD
GO TO THE MOVIES

AND SQUAT COULD WEAR
AN "I'M WITH STUPID" T-SHIRT.

You're awesome, Bulldog.

Hey, way to nail that
blowhard Dr. Crane.

You're the greatest.

YEAH, WHATEVER. SHUT UP.

ALL YOU GUYS SENDING
IN THESE POSTCARDS

TO WIN TICKETS TO
THE SEAHAWKS GAME...

DO I NEED ANOTHER PICTURE
OF THE SPACE NEEDLE?

CHICKS IN THONGS.

ENOUGH SAID?

WE'LL BE BACK RIGHT AFTER THIS.

UM, HEY, WHAT I
JUST SAID... I'M SORRY.

I MEANT TO SAY,
"WOMEN IN THONGS."

STOP BUSTING FRASIER'S CHOPS.

ENOUGH SAID?

SEE ALL THESE LINES LIT UP?

THEY'RE WAITING TO TELL
ME HOW FUNNY IT WAS.

ARE ALL THESE CALLERS
WAITING TO TELL BULLDOG

HOW MUCH THEY LIKED THE
JOKE HE PLAYED ON FRASIER?

ALL EXCEPT THE GUY ON 9.

HE THINKS BULLDOG SUCKS.

BECAUSE OF WHAT
HE DID TO FRASIER?

NO. JUST IN GENERAL.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

IF YOU THINK I'LL ALLOW YOU

TO PUBLICLY MOCK ONE OF OUR
MOST RESPECTED HOSTS ON AIR

JUST FOR THE SAKE
OF HIGHER RATINGS

YOU AND I ARE GOING
TO GET ALONG JUST FINE.

COME ON, EDDIE.

YOU LOVE PATE AND
THIS IS THE GOOD STUFF.

UH-OH.

TWO SYLLABLES EVERY
HOMEOWNER LOVES TO HEAR

UPON ENTERING THE DOOR.

WOULD IT HAVE ANYTHING
TO DO WITH THE FACT

THAT YOU'RE FEEDING MY
IMPORTED FOIS GRAS TO A DOG?

BUT IT CALMS HIM
DURING THE THUNDER.

OH, WELL, HEAVEN FORBID EDDIE
SHOULD EVER WORK A NERVE.

WHEN NILES GETS HERE

WE'LL HAVE SHERRY AND SNAUSAGES.

THAT REMINDS ME

DR. CRANE WILL BE A BIT LATE.

YOUR FATHER ASKED
HIM TO STOP AT THE VET

AND PICK UP SOME
PILLS FOR EDDIE.

( phone ringing)

I'M THE ONE WHO'S HAD A HARD DAY

HOW COME NO ONE EVER
BRINGS ME TRANQUILIZERS?

I'VE OFTEN WONDERED THAT MYSELF.

HELLO?

HELLO, THIS IS
DR. JULIUS IRVING.

I'M CALLING FOR DR. NILES CRANE.

HIS RECEPTIONIST
SAID HE MIGHT BE THERE.

I'M SORRY. I'M EXPECTING HIM IF
YOU WANT TO LEAVE A MESSAGE.

NO, NO, NOTHING IMPORTANT.

SOME OF THE BOYS
HERE AT THE CLUB

HAVE A LITTLE BET
GOING ABOUT THE MIKADO.

OH, PERHAPS I CAN HELP.

I'M NILES' BROTHER,
DR. FRASIER CRANE

AND AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT

I WAS IN AN ALL-MALE PRODUCTION
OF THE MIKADO AT OXFORD.

PEOPLE STILL ASK
TO SEE MY YUM-YUM.

I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU HAPPEN
TO REMEMBER THE WORDS

TO "THREE LITTLE MAIDS."

Let me see, uh...

OF COURSE, MY FALSETTO
ISN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE

BUT, UH...

( in falsetto): ♪ THREE LITTLE
MAIDS FROM SCHOOL ARE WE ♪

♪ PERT AS A SCHOOLGIRL
WELL MAY BE ♪

♪ Filled to the brim
with girlish glee ♪

♪ THREE LITTLE MAIDS
FROM SCHOOL... ♪

( laughter)

DAD!

WOULD YOU PLEASE BE QUIET?

I'M SETTLING A BET HERE.

SOME CALLER BET BULLDOG

HE COULDN'T MAKE
YOU SING OVER THE AIR.

SAYONARA, DOC.

WELL, DAD, I'M GLAD TO
SEE THAT YOU'RE AMUSED.

HAVING YOUR OWN SON
HUMILIATED PUBLICLY.

OH, COME ON, IT'S FUNNY.

HE MAKES EVERYONE LOOK STUPID.

THE GUYS IN THE
NEWSROOM, CHOPPER DAVE...

NOT EXACTLY A MIRACLE
TRANSFORMATION

WHEN IT COMES TO CHOPPER
DAVE, A MAN WHOSE LIFE'S WORK

CONSISTS OF LOOKING
DOWN AT THE FREEWAY

AND SAYING "CROWDED,"
"NOT CROWDED."

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

BACK TO THE STATION.

OH, COME ON, FRASIER.

DON'T TAKE IT SO SERIOUSLY.

WE PLAYED JOKES LIKE THIS
WHEN I WAS ON THE FORCE.

THE DAY THEY REPLACED

MY BULLETPROOF VEST
WITH A BIG LACY BRA

I KNEW I WAS ONE OF THE GUYS.

THANK YOU, DAD.

THAT ALSO CLEARS UP A QUESTION
THAT'S TROUBLED ME FOR YEARS

CONCERNING THE
NIGHT YOU WERE SHOT.

THE SALMON?

THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO NAME
OUR EXPANSION HOCKEY TEAM?

THE SEATTLE SALMON?

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
YOUR TWO I.Q. POINTS

RUB THEM TOGETHER, SEE
IF YOU CAN START A FIRE.

YOU'RE IN THE DOGHOUSE.

Man: Am I on?

YEAH, TAKE AS LONG AS YOU WANT.

NEXT?

Man 2: Bulldog, you're the man.

How about we name
them the Bulldogs?

YOU WANT TO SUCK UP? SEND MONEY.

Wait, I got another one.

What about The Lizards?

I HATE LIZARDS.
THEY'RE DISGUSTING.

THEY MAKE MY SKIN CRAWL.

YOU DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE.

You're the best, Bulldog.

SHUT UP. BACK IN 30.

I WARNED YOU.

HEY, COOL YOUR JETS.

KATE TOLD ME TO
KEEP BUSTING YOU.

THAT IT'S GOOD FOR RATINGS.

TAKE IT UP WITH HER.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

PETE, WHAT DID KATE SAY?

SHE SAID YOU'RE A PIG.

NO, BEFORE THAT.

SHE SAID TO KEEP
RAGGING ON THE DOC.

I WANT TO TALK TO KATE NOW.

SHE'S NOT IN.

OH, VERY CLEVER.

"SHE'S NOT IN."

LIKE THAT WILL MAKE ME GO AWAY.

SHE'S NOT IN.

SUSAN, I NEED A COPY
OF OUR CONTRACT

WITH NANETTE STEWART.

WHAT'S YUM-YUM DOING HERE?

NEVER MIND, I CAN GUESS.

YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD PUT

AN END TO BULLDOG'S SHENANIGANS

AND INSTEAD YOU ENCOURAGED HIM.

YOU'RE CANCELING "PET
CHAT WITH NANETTE?"

SHE'S BEEN ON FOR SIX YEARS.

AND SHE'S BEEN FLOATING
AT THE TOP OF THE BOWL

FOR THE LAST TWO.

WHEN I WENT IN TO
TALK TO BULLDOG

THE PHONES LIT UP
LIKE TIMES SQUARE.

HIS FANS LOVE IT
WHEN HE ZAPS YOU.

YOU WANT ME RIDICULED FOR
THE SAKE OF THOSE HYENAS?

NO, I WOULD HAVE YOU FIGHT BACK.

HE TAKES POTSHOTS AT YOU

YOU COME BACK WITH
YOUR DROLL, IVY LEAGUE

"LOOK, I'VE GOT A
THESAURUS" KIND OF WAY.

IT WILL BE FUNNY.

FUNNY?

FUNNY?!

I REFUSE TO ENGAGE
IN A BATTLE OF WITS

WITH A MAN WHOSE
FAVORITE T-SHIRT

READS "SEATTLE
HOOTER INSPECTOR."

AFRAID OF THE COMPETITION?

I AM A DOCTOR.

I WENT...

TO MEDICAL SCHOOL.

I WILL NOT EMBARRASS MYSELF

BY ENGAGING IN A
GRAB FOR RATINGS.

YOU JUST ANNOUNCED TO
HALF A MILLION LISTENERS

THAT YOU ARE "FILLED TO
THE BRIM WITH GIRLISH GLEE."

I THINK THE H.M.S. PINAFORE
OF EMBARRASSMENT HAS SAILED.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE
ME, I HAVE TO FIRE SOMEONE.

OH, GOD, SHE BOUGHT SPANKY.

KATE, THIS IS NOT OVER.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS?

YOU HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOR.

I'M SICK AND TIRED OF
PEOPLE TELLING ME THAT.

WELL, THEN, LIGHTEN UP.

I ASKED THE RAIDERS'
DEFENSIVE LINE

TO DESCRIBE THEIR
TACKLING SKILLS.

AND HERE'S WHAT THEY SAID.

Frasier: ♪ Three little
maids from school are we ♪

♪ Three little maids
from school... ♪

Niles: GOOD EVENING, DAPHNE.

Daphne: EVENING, DR. CRANE.

DID YOU BRING EDDIE'S PILLS?

YES. THE VET GAVE VERY
SPECIFIC INSTRUCTIONS:

"TAKE ONE TABLET PER
HOUR OR AS NEEDED

UNTIL TREMBLING SUBSIDES."

I'M SORRY. THESE ARE FOR MARIS.

THOSE ARE FOR EDDIE.

THERE YOU GO.

I'LL JUST HIDE HIS
PILL IN A BIT OF FOOD.

THAT'S HOW GRAMMY MOON
USED TO GET GRANDDAD

TO TAKE HIS HEART MEDICINE.

IF HE HAD HEART PROBLEMS

WHY WOULDN'T HE WANT
TO TAKE HIS MEDICINE?

DON'T THINK THAT NOSY CORONER

DIDN'T ASK THE SAME QUESTIONS.

NUM-NUMS, EDDIE.

OH, HE'S A GOOD BOY.

NORMALLY I DON'T
BELIEVE IN POPPING PILLS

FOR EVERY LITTLE UPSET.

I QUITE AGREE.

MY NERVES ARE BOTHERED BY
THIS CONSTANT THUNDERING TOO

BUT I WOULD NEVER TURN
TO DRUGS TO CALM DOWN.

OH, MOMMY.

HEY, NILES

YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE
WHAT HAPPENED TO FRASIER.

OH, I HEARD THE WHOLE THING.

YOU LISTEN TO BULLDOG'S PROGRAM?

YES, DAD.

I CAN'T SLEEP NIGHTS

TILL I FIND OUT WHO
HURLED WHAT BALL

THROUGH WHAT APPARATUS.

NO, NO, NO, NO. IT
WAS ON AT THE VET'S.

YOU WOULD THINK IN A
CITY WITH THIS MUCH RAIN

PEOPLE WOULD DEVELOP AN
ETIQUETTE ABOUT IT, BUT NO!

THEY BUY UMBRELLAS
THAT ARE TOO BIG

SO YOU HAVE TO
WALK INTO THE STREET

TO GET AROUND THEM

THEN THEY DRIVE TOO
CLOSE TO THE CURB

THAT YOU'RE SURE TO GET SPLASHED

AND THEY WEAR BROWN
SHOES WITH WHITE SOCKS!

WHAT HAS THAT GOT
TO DO WITH THE RAIN?

NOTHING, BUT I MEAN,
REALLY, GET A FASHION SENSE.

I GUESS THINGS
DIDN'T GO TOO WELL

DOWN AT THE STATION, HUH?

NO, THEY DIDN'T.

IT TURNS OUT THE STATION MANAGER

IS ENCOURAGING
BULLDOG'S LITTLE PRANKS.

NOW SHE WANTS ME TO
RETURN HIS FIRE ON THE AIR.

I THOUGHT THE IDEA WAS ABSURD

BUT NOW I'M STARTING
TO WARM TO IT.

HAVE AT HIM. HE'S
GROSSLY OVERMATCHED

BUT HE DID BRING
THIS ON HIMSELF.

YOU'RE RIGHT, NILES.

IF I HAVE TO FIGHT CHEAP
AND DIRTY ON HIS OWN TERMS

THEN I WILL.

UH...

AND WHAT IS THAT
SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

WELL, I DON'T THINK
IT'S A GOOD IDEA.

BULLDOG'S PRETTY GOOD
AT THIS KIND OF THING.

HE'S A FUNNY GUY.

AND I'M NOT FUNNY?

UH...

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

DAD'S FORGETTING

THE TIME YOU TOOK THE
NAMES OF OUR WINE CLUB BOARD

AND TURNED THEM ALL INTO
WICKEDLY DERISIVE ANAGRAMS.

Both: "SYDNEY ASSBASKET."

YOU SEE, DAD, I MADE YOU LAUGH.

NO, I'M LOOKING AT EDDIE.

I GUESS HE WON'T BE
NEEDING A SECOND PILL.

NO, NO, FRASIER

DON'T GET ME WRONG.

I THINK YOU'RE WITTY, CLEVER

BUT FUNNY IS DIFFERENT.

FUNNY IS SOMEBODY WHO MAKES
YOU LAUGH WITH YOUR BELLY.

NOW, BULLDOG'S FUNNY.

DUKE'S COUSIN LOUIE...
NOW, HE'S REALLY FUNNY.

HE'S LIKE JACKIE
GLEASON... ONLY LOUD.

HE MAKES YOU LAUGH SO HARD
THE BEER COMES OUT OF YOUR NOSE.

YOU KNOW WHAT FEELS
GOOD THROUGH THE NOSE?

A WARM CUP OF COCOA.

I JUST MAY GO HOME
FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR.

JUST BECAUSE I HAVEN'T CAUSED

ANYONE TO BLOW BEER
THROUGH THEIR NOSTRILS

DOESN'T MEAN THAT I CAN'T.

ANYONE WHO CAN
COMPOSE A CLEVER BARB

CAN CERTAINLY MASTER

THE INTRICACIES OF
THE WHOOPIE CUSHION.

I WOULDN'T BE TOO SURE.

THAT'S A LOT HARDER
THAN YOU THINK.

TUNE INTO BULLDOG'S
SHOW TOMORROW

POP OPEN A BEER AND PREPARE
FOR A BUDWEISER GEYSER.

YOU KNOW, FRASIER,
IF YOU'RE SERIOUS

ABOUT THAT WHOOPIE CUSHION

I HAPPEN TO HAVE
ONE AT THE HOUSE.

LAST YEAR A DISGRUNTLED SERVANT

LEFT ONE ON MARIS'
DINING ROOM CHAIR.

FORTUNATELY FOR ALL OF US,
EMBARRASSMENT WAS AVERTED

WHEN MY LITTLE FAWN
PROVED TOO LIGHT

TO ACTIVATE IT.

WELL, IT'S 6:30, SPORTS FANS.

THAT MEANS IT'S TIME FOR...

( fanfare)

OUR BIG SEAHAWKS
TICKETS GIVEAWAY!

YES, MY CURVACEOUS AND
BODACIOUS ASSISTANT DARLENE

IS ROLLING IN OUR GLITTERING
GIANT PRIZE DRUM RIGHT NOW.

OKAY, DARLENE,
GIVE IT A GOOD CRANK.

WHOA, HONEY! I MEANT THE DRUM.

ALL RIGHT, HERE IT COMES, ROZ.

HILARITY ENSUES.

EXPLAIN THIS TO
ME ONE MORE TIME.

YOU'RE TRYING TO PROVE TO
EVERYONE YOU'RE SO FUNNY.

SO WHY DO I HAVE TO
PUT THE LIZARD IN THE BOX?

IT WAS JUST AS DIFFICULT
TO BE THE LOOKOUT.

STOP WHINING!

HEY, LOOK WHO'S HERE.

IT'S OUR NEW BOSS LADY

KACL'S OWN KATE COSTAS.

KATE'S THERE?

OH, FRASIER, KATE'S THERE.

IT'S EVEN BETTER.

SHE WILL BE AN EYEWITNESS
TO MY LITTLE JAPE.

COME ON IN, KATE.

YEAH.

HERE WE GO.

GLAD YOU DROPPED IN.

HELLO, BULLDOG.

HI, DARLENE.

WOW. LOOK AT THAT MIGHTY DRUM.

YEAH, GIVE IT A GOOD SPIN.

Bulldog: LOOK AT THOSE CARDS
GOING 'ROUND AND 'ROUND.

OKAY, SEATTLE.

AND THE WINNER IS...

HEY, KATE, WHY
DON'T YOU PICK IT?

Kate: OKAY.

AND THE LUCKY WINNER IS...

YEOW!

SOMETHING BIT ME!

OH, MY GOD!

IT'S A LIZARD!

OH, GOD!

IT'S GOT YOUR FINGERTIP.

OH, GOD!

I'LL GET SOME ICE.

Kate: THERE IT GOES!

STOP THAT LIZARD!

IT HAS MY FINGER!

ROZ, ANY NEWS?

OH, YEAH. THEY SEWED
HER FINGERTIP BACK ON.

SHE'S GOING TO BE FINE.

WIPE THAT GUILTY
LOOK OFF YOUR FACE.

NO ONE SUSPECTS YOU.

WHY NOT?

YOU MADE A BIG DEAL

ABOUT HOW PLAYING
PRANKS WAS BENEATH YOU.

THEY'RE NOT ONLY BENEATH
ME, THEY'RE BEYOND ME.

I'M GOING TO ACCEPT MY
LIMITATIONS AND BE SATISFIED

TO MERELY BE WITTY AND URBANE.

EVEN MY MOST BARBED COMMENTS

NEVER DREW BLOOD.

OH, GOD, I FEEL SICK.

YOU DO?

WHEN THE LIZARD
THREW UP HER FINGERTIP

WHO HAD TO PACK
IT IN FROZEN YOGURT

AND RUSH IT DOWN HERE?

I'LL TELL HER THE TRUTH.

WHAT? ARE YOU INSANE?

I'VE GOT TO UNBURDEN MYSELF.

YOU DIDN'T START THIS.

YOU ARE THE VICTIM.

WHY SHOULD YOU HAVE
TO SUFFER ANY MORE

THAN YOU ALREADY HAVE?

I'LL KEEP YOUR NAME OUT OF IT.

FINE. DO WHAT YOU WANT.

I DON'T KNOW WHEN I'LL BE BACK

IN THE OFFICE, SUSAN.

JUST CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS.

IS THERE ANY WORD ON WHO
PULLED THIS STUPID STUNT?

I DON'T WANT EXCUSES!

I WANT NAMES!

CAN YOU HURRY UP THAT SHOT?

I'M IN AGONY HERE.

KATE, I SEE THAT YOUR...
YOUR STRENGTH IS BACK.

I BROUGHT SOME FLOWERS.

WHAT KIND OF RAVING PSYCHOTIC
WOULD DO A THING LIKE THIS?

PEOPLE USE THAT WORD "PSYCHOTIC"

AN AWFUL LOT THESE DAYS.

A KID STEALS A CANDY BAR.

SUDDENLY HE'S A "PSYCHOTIC."

I'M GOING TO FIND HIM,
AND I'M GOING TO CRUSH HIM.

ARE YOU SURE THAT'S ENOUGH?

MAKE SURE THAT ALL GOES IN.

CALL ME IF YOU NEED ANYTHING.

WELL, KATE, I...

I, UH... I CAME HERE
FOR A REASON.

OH, LET ME GUESS.

SOMEONE PARKED IN YOUR SPACE?

NO, NO, BUT IF-IF-IF SOMEONE HAD

I-I WOULD HAVE FORGIVEN HIM.

JUST AS I'M SURE
YOU WILL FORGIVE...

WHO?

WELL, I'M-I'M SURE THAT...

THAT POOR, MISGUIDED PRANKSTER

THAT PERPETRATED THIS EVIL DEED

HAD NO ILL WILL IN MIND.

IT WASN'T HIS OR
HER INTENTION TO...

YOU KNOW

THAT... NANETTE FROM PET CHAT...

SHE HAD A REAL AX TO GRIND.

( giggles)

WHAT?

WHAT?

YOU GIGGLED.

OH. WELL, IT'S KIND OF FUNNY.

( stifled laugh)

WHAT?

WHAT?

WHAT'S FUNNY?

OH. I WAS JUST REMEMBERING...

WHAT?

WHAT?

OH. OH, THE SHOT'S
KICKING IN, ISN'T IT?

WELL, YOU KNOW, HE
BITE MY MIDDLE FINGER.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DRIVE?

YOU KNOW, KATE

NOW WILL BE A GOOD
TIME TO TELL YOU...

LIFE IS SO FUNNY.

ONE MINUTE YOU'RE
STANDING IN THE HALLWAY

THE NEXT MINUTE YOU'RE A
PUPU PLATTER FOR A LIZARD.

THAT'S A FUNNY WORD, ISN'T IT?

"HALLWAY."

YOU WANT TO HEAR
SOMETHING REALLY FUNNY?

AND BULLDOG LOOKED...

( stifled laugh)

BULLDOG LOOKED...

OH, SEE, NOW YOU'RE
STARTING TO GET TIRED.

I SHOULD GO.

KATE...

KATE, BEFORE YOU GO TO SLEEP

THERE'S JUST ONE
LAST FUNNY THING

I WANT TO TELL YOU.

OKAY.

I PUT THE LIZARD IN THE BOX.

OKAY.

OH, GOD.

IT'S ALIVE!

YOU WHAT?

IT WAS MEANT FOR BULLDOG.

IT WAS ALL AN ACCIDENT.

I NEVER INTENDED TO...

KATE?

KATE?

( Frasier screaming): NURSE!

[CAPTIONING SPONSORED BY
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION, NBC]

( flatulating)

[CAPTIONED BY THE CAPTION CENTER
WGBH EDUCATIONAL FOUNDATION]