Frasier (1993–2004): Season 3, Episode 24 - You Can Go Home Again - full transcript

THIS IS DR. FRASIER CRANE

WISHING YOU ALL
GOOD MENTAL HEALTH.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

OH, ROZ! ROZ! THIS
IS SO MUCH FUN, ROZ.

I GOT YOU ONE TOO.

THANK YOU, FRASIER.

OKAY, YOU FIRST.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

IT'S NOTHING, REALLY.

IT'S NOT EXPENSIVE.

YOU WON'T LIKE IT. I'M
NOT GOOD AT GIFTS...



DON'T OVERSELL
IT, ROZ, ALL RIGHT?

IT'S A TAPE.

"THE DR. FRASIER CRANE SHOW.

"SHOW NUMBER ONE.

MAY 21, 1993."

IT'S OUR FIRST BROADCAST.

OH, ROZ! I CAN'T
WAIT TO LISTEN TO IT.

DID YOU EVER THINK I'D
STAY ON THE AIR THIS LONG?

OH, HELL, NO.

"TO ROZ, WHO BELIEVED
IN ME FROM THE START."

YES. IT'S FROM
HALLMARK'S IRONY SECTION.

OH, FRASIER, THEY'RE
BEAUTIFUL EARRINGS!

THANK YOU! THANK YOU.

YOU DESERVE THEM.



WORKING SIDE-BY-SIDE
FOR THREE YEARS

ONE CAN'T HELP BUT
BECOME CLOSE FRIENDS

AND THEY'RE BLUE

TO MATCH YOUR...

LIPS WHEN THEY'RE COLD.

MUM, IT'S NOT THAT I
DON'T WANT TO COME HOME.

I'D LOVE A VISIT.

IT'S JUST THAT I CAN'T.

HE WON'T LET ME.

OH. YOU HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT DR. CRANE IS LIKE.

WELL, HE'S AN ABSOLUTE BEAST.

UNPLEASANT TO BE AROUND...

A REAL TYRANT.

IT'S JUST ME MUM.

I'M TRYING TO GET
OUT OF A VISIT HOME.

OH, I UNDERSTAND.

OH. NO, I'M NOT EXAGGERATING.

HE TREATS ME LIKE
A BLOODY SLAVE.

DAPHNE! WHERE'S
MY DRESSING GOWN?!

YEAH... NOT TO MENTION
HOW CHEAP HE IS.

THAT BETTER NOT BE
A LONG DISTANCE CALL!

YES, YEAH. IT DOES SOUND
A LOT LIKE AUNT LILLIAN.

I CAN'T POSSIBLY
DO AUNT LILLIAN!

YEAH, I'VE GOT TO
RUN, MUM. LOVE YA. BYE.

I'M SORRY. YOU MUST THINK
I'M A TERRIBLE DAUGHTER.

NOT AT ALL. YOU'RE
A TERRIBLE LIAR

BUT A PERFECTLY
RUN-OF-THE-MILL DAUGHTER.

IT'S JUST THAT I ONLY
GET ONE VACATION A YEAR

AND I WANT TO GO
SOMEWHERE FUN LIKE ACAPULCO.

MAKES SENSE.

GOING HOME IS JUST
SO FLIPPING BORING.

IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME.

THERE'S A WONDERFUL
REUNION AT THE AIRPORT.

WE SHARE ALL OUR NEWS
ON THE WAY HOME IN THE CAR

AND BY THE TIME I'VE
DROPPED OFF ME SUITCASE

WE'VE EXHAUSTED
ALL CONVERSATION.

THAT'S WHEN I REALIZE
I'VE GOT A WHOLE WEEK

WITH NOTHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO

BUT DAD TELLING THE STORY

OF HOW HE ONCE SHARED A CIGAR

WITH WINSTON CHURCHILL
DURING THE BLACKOUTS.

HE THINKS.

SOUNDS LIKE AN EASY
DECISION, DAPHNE.

HASTA LUEGO.

OH, DR. CRANE

WHY IS IT SO EASY
TO LOVE OUR FAMILIES

YET SO HARD TO LIKE THEM?

WELL, DAPHNE, THAT IS
ONE OF THOSE QUESTIONS

THAT MAKES LIFE SO RICH...

AND PSYCHIATRISTS RICHER.

YEAH, WELL, MAYBE I'LL
JUST GO CALL A TRAVEL AGENT

AND SEE WHICH GUILT
TRIP IS MORE EXPENSIVE.

GOOD AFTERNOON, SEATTLE.

MY NAME IS DR. FRASIER CRANE.

IF YOU CAN FEEL, I CAN HEAL.

FASTEN YOUR SEAT BELT, EDDIE.

IT'S GOING TO BE A BUMPY RIDE.

HELLO.

YOU'RE ON THE AIR
WITH DR. FRASIER CRANE.

PUT YOUR HEAD IN MY HANDS.

HELLO...

HE...

HELLO...

ME... ME-ME-ME...

ME-ME-ME-ME-ME-ME-ME-ME.

WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO.

ME... ME...

"LITTLE OWLET IN THE
GLEN, I'M ASHAMED OF YOU.

"YOU ARE UNGRAMMATICAL
IN SPEAKING AS YOU DO

"YOU SHOULD SAY 'TO
WHOM, ' NOT 'TO WHO.'

"YOUR LITTLE
FRIEND, MISS KATYDID

"MAY BE GREEN, 'TIS TRUE

BUT YOU NEVER HEARD HER
SAY..." WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!

I'M ROZ DOYLE, YOUR
NEW PRODUCER.

DR. CRANE, I PRESUME?

YES, BUT WHERE'S DAVE?

HE GOT ANOTHER ASSIGNMENT.

BUT I WAS COMFORTABLE WITH DAVE.

I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN
THROWN A CURVE

BUT EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE FINE.

BUT I DID A MOCK SHOW WITH DAVE.

I DID MOCK CALL-INS,
MOCK NEWS BULLETINS.

I GOT A BULLETIN FOR YOU:

DAVE'S OUT, I'M IN, AND
STOP SAYING "MOCK."

OH! OH... ALL RIGHT, LOOK

MS. DOYLE, I'M SURE
YOU'RE QUITE CAPABLE

BUT DAVE HAS 15
YEARS OF EXPERIENCE.

I'D PREFER THAT HE DO IT.

WELL, THAT WOULD MAKE
TWO OF US, WOULDN'T IT?

WELL, YOU KNOW

I REALLY THINK I SHOULD
CALL MANAGEMENT

AND ASK FOR DAVE.

IT'S NOT REALLY FAIR
TO DAVE OR TO ME.

DR. CRANE, DAVE DUMPED YOU.

WHY?

WE WERE HERE UNTIL
2:00 THIS MORNING

AS I EXPLAINED TO DAVE
IN METICULOUS DETAIL

MY PHILOSOPHY OF
OPTIMAL MENTAL HEALTH.

IT'S A MYSTERY, ALL RIGHT.

I'M GONNA SCREEN A FEW
CALLS BEFORE YOU START...

NO! AS I EXPLAINED TO DAVE
THERE WILL BE NO CALL SCREENING.

I WANT MY SHOW TO BE
FRESH AND SPONTANEOUS.

CALL SCREENING
SQUELCHES ALL OF THAT.

AND THE MYSTERY OF
DAVE'S DEPARTURE DEEPENS.

OKAY, YOU'RE ON IN FIVE SECONDS.

I'LL GIVE YOU A CUE.

GOOD AFTERNOON, SEATTLE.

MY NAME IS DR. FRASIER CRANE.

IF YOU CAN FEEL, I CAN HEAL.

LET'S SEE WHO'S ON LINE ONE.

HELLO. THIS IS
DR. FRASIER CRANE.

YOU'RE... ON THE COUCH.

NO, I'M NOT!

I MEANT ON THE
METAPHORICAL COUCH.

I'M IN A BEANBAG CHAIR, OKAY?

FINE.

UM, MOVING ON, THEN.

HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

IT'S ABOUT MY HUSBAND...

OH, I CAN'T DO THIS.
IT'S TOO EMBARRASSING.

OH, NO, NO. PLEASE,
PLEASE, DEAR FRIEND.

I'M REALLY HERE TO HELP
YOU. PLEASE GO AHEAD.

OH, GOOD...

AND I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT!

WELL, YOU KNOW,
OFTEN IN THESE CASES

IT HELPS IF YOU
RESTATE YOUR PROBLEM

BUT THIS TIME, TRY BOILING IT
DOWN TO ONE SUCCINCT SENTENCE.

HOW WOULD YOU DO THAT?

MY HUSBAND IS DEAD.

WELL, PERHAPS WE SHOULD
GO BACK TO THE WORDY VERSION.

WE'LL... WE'LL BE RIGHT
BACK AFTER THESE...

IMPORTANT MESSAGES.

OF COURSE, I CAN DO
A GARDENING SHOW.

IF I CAN GROW PLANTS
IN MY DORM ROOM CLOSET

I MUST KNOW A THING OR
TWO ABOUT HORTICULTURE.

ARE YOU TRYING TO
GET TRANSFERRED?!

BYE.

LOOK, DR. CRANE

I GOT TO BE HONEST
WITH YOU HERE.

IT'S JUST THAT I
THINK PSYCHIATRY

IS JUST, SORT OF,
KIND OF... BULL.

THIS IS A MATCH MADE
IN HEAVEN, ISN'T IT?!

OH, DON'T BE OFFENDED.

WHY SHOULD I BE OFFENDED?!

IN THE LAST WEEK,
I'VE UPROOTED MYSELF

FROM MY HOME OF 15 YEARS

MOVED ALL THE WAY
ACROSS THE COUNTRY

AWAY FROM
EVERYTHING I CARE ABOUT

AND PLUNGED MYSELF INTO
A FRIGHTENING NEW CAREER.

IN THE FIRST FEW
NERVE-RACKING MOMENTS

I FIND MY PRODUCER LOBBYING
TO GET HERSELF TRANSFERRED

TO ANOTHER SHOW!

ABE LINCOLN HAD
A BRIGHTER FUTURE

WHEN HE PICKED UP HIS
TICKETS AT THE BOX OFFICE!

OKAY, YOU GOT TO MAKE
THE CALLER GET TO THE POINT

AND FOR GOD'S
SAKE, SO SHOULD YOU.

DULY NOTED.

OKAY.

NUMBER 24.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU'RE STARTING TO GLAZE.

WE CAN GO THROUGH THE
REST OF THIS TOMORROW.

SEE YOU, FRASIER.

BYE, ROZ.

OH, EXCUSE ME. WELL, EXCUSE YOU.

OH, NILES!

OH, FRASIER. WHAT A
SERENDIPITOUS EVENT.

HOW DID YOU DISCOVER
MY FAVORITE COFFEE BAR?

THE RADIO STATION'S
ACROSS THE STREET.

I DID MY FIRST SHOW TODAY.

YES, YOU DID, DIDN'T YOU?

WELL... GOOD TO SEE
YOU. HAVE A NICE DAY.

NILES, AREN'T YOU
GOING TO JOIN ME?

OH, WELL, UH...

I WOULD, BUT I HAVE A ROUTINE.

I COME IN EVERY DAY, ORDER
COFFEE AND SPEND QUALITY TIME.

WITH MYSELF. YOU UNDERSTAND.

NILES, I'VE SEEN YOU ONCE
IN THE LAST TWO YEARS.

MMM.

OH, THAT IS YOUR POINT.

YES.

WELL... VERY WELL.

IN THE SPIRIT OF BLOOD
BEING THICKER THAN WATER.

WHY DON'T WE? YES.

I REMEMBER YOUR
FOURTH BIRTHDAY PARTY.

GRANDMOTHER TOOK US TO
THE PARK TO RIDE THE CAROUSEL

AND YOU MADE ALL THOSE
LITTLE CHILDREN WAIT

WHILE YOU WIPED OFF
YOUR PAINTED PONY.

I WAS WEARING BERMUDA SHORTS

AND THAT SADDLE WAS
SLICK WITH TODDLER SWEAT.

WELL, UH.

OH, UH, THANKS AGAIN

FOR DINNER THE OTHER
NIGHT WITH MARIS AND, UH...

YOU TWO SEEM VERY HAPPY.

OH, YES. IT'S LOVE.

LIKE THE ARCTIC PUFFIN,
WE'VE MATED FOR LIFE.

HONESTLY, I CAN'T IMAGINE EVEN
LOOKING AT ANOTHER WOMAN.

EXCUSE ME, SIR.

HAVE YOU FINISHED
WITH THAT SUGAR?

OH, YES, OF COURSE.

HM.

ARE YOU READY TO ORDER?

YES. DOUBLE-DECAF NON-FAT
LATTE, MM... MEDIUM FOAM

DUSTED WITH JUST THE
FAINTEST WHISPER OF CINNAMON.

I'LL HAVE A BLACK COFFEE.

YOU'LL HAVE TO
FORGIVE MY BROTHER.

HE JUST CAME IN
ON THE NOON STAGE.

I HOPE I NEVER SEE THE DAY WHEN
I AM SO FRIGHTFULLY PRETENTIOUS

THAT A GOOD OLD CUP OF AMERICAN
COFFEE ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

SO...

HOW'D YOUR VISIT WITH DAD GO?

I HAVEN'T BEEN TO SEE HIM YET.

REALLY? YOU'VE BEEN
IN TOWN A WHOLE WEEK.

WELL, I'VE BEEN VERY BUSY...

SETTLING INTO THE NEW
APARTMENT, UNPACKING...

I'M GOING OVER TONIGHT
FOR MY WEEKLY VISIT.

WHY DON'T YOU COME ALONG?

GEEZ, I KNOW I SHOULD,

BUT I'M REALLY IN SUCH A
VULNERABLE STATE RIGHT NOW

THE LAST THING I NEED IS
SEATTLE'S REIGNING SOURPUSS

TAKING POTSHOTS AT ME.

IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE
WORRIED ABOUT?

YES.

YOU HAVE BEEN OUT OF TOUCH.
OUR FATHER'S A CHANGED MAN.

EVER SINCE HE WAS
SHOT, HE'S SOFTENED.

HE HAS A WHOLE
NEW ZEST FOR LIFE.

NILES, I VISITED
HIM IN THE HOSPITAL.

HE MADE HIS ROOMMATE CRY,
AND THE MAN WAS IN A COMA.

DAD WAS STILL IN SHOCK.

THE CHANGE CAME AFTER.

AS A PSYCHIATRIST,
SURELY YOU'VE SEEN THIS.

A PATIENT HAS A BRUSH WITH DEATH

AND REDISCOVERS
HIS LOVE OF LIFE.

YES.

THE LAUGHS WE'VE HAD
WHEN I'M OVER THERE.

I SOMETIMES WONDER
IF THAT BULLET

DIDN'T CREASE HIS FUNNYBONE.

OH, THANK YOU.

THE INCOMPETENCE OF THAT MAN?

I VERY CLEARLY ASKED

FOR A WHISPER OF CINNAMON

AND HE'S GIVEN ME A
FULL-THROATED SHOUT.

THERE ARE COUNTRIES
IN THIS WORLD

WHERE THEY WOULD LOP
OFF HIS SPRINKLING HAND.

YOU KNOW...

I'D FORGOTTEN WHAT A
WEIRD LITTLE PERSON YOU ARE.

DAD IS GOING TO
BE POSITIVELY GIDDY

WHEN HE SEES HE'S GOT
THE BOTH OF US TONIGHT.

WHO IS IT?!

NILES AND A SPECIAL GUEST.

OH, GEEZ.

ALL RIGHT, HOLD YOUR HORSES.

HOW DOES HE COME UP WITH THOSE?

LOOK, DAD, IT'S FRASIER.

I SEE THAT. THAT PUNK
DIDN'T SHOOT OUT MY EYEBALL.

STOP IT. HE'S JUST...

HE SEES THE HUMOR IN EVERYTHING.

FRASIER, COME
ON IN. THANKS, DAD.

SO, BIG GAME?

NO, THEY'RE LOSING AGAIN.

THE PITCHER'S A BUM.

HE'S A BUM.

HE'S AN ABSOLUTE HOBO.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, SKIPPER?

NILES, ARE YOU DRUNK?

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

SEEING THE THREE OF
US TOGETHER AGAIN...

WHO NEEDS ALCOHOL FOR THAT?

I DO. I DO.

ALL RIGHT.

I'LL GET YOU A BEER.

THANKS, DAD.

YOU FILTHY LIAR.

YOU SAID HE'D CHANGED.

WELL...

IT GOT YOU HERE, DIDN'T IT?

I'VE DEALT WITH HIM ALL
BY MYSELF SINCE MOM DIED.

NOW IT'S YOUR TURN.

SO WELCOME HOME, PRODIGAL SON.

YOU GUYS WANT SOME PORK RINDS?!

AND THAT'S AS CLOSE
AS YOU'RE GOING TO GET

TO A FATTED CALF.

NO, THANKS, DAD.

OH, WILL YOU STOP STARING AT ME?

HERE YOU GO.

I UNDERSTAND
COMPLETELY, FRASIER.

DAD, FRASIER WAS
SAYING HE'D LIKE TO SPEND

QUALITY TIME WITH YOU ALONE

SO I'M GOING TO SLIP OUT.

SUIT YOURSELF.

ALL RIGHT. UH... OH.

YOU HAVEN'T MET EDDIE.

EDDIE... HERE.

FRASIER IS THE FIRST-BORN.

THE TORCH HAS BEEN PASSED.

SO.

HOW WAS YOUR FLIGHT?

ACTUALLY, I-I DROVE.

TAKE THE I-90?

UH... 80.

SHOULD HAVE TAKEN 90.

IT WOULD HAVE GOT
YOU HERE FASTER.

DARN.

SO, DAD, DID YOU LISTEN
TO MY SHOW TODAY?

NO, I MISSED IT. SORRY.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

HOW'D IT GO?

WELL, UH...

KIND OF ROCKY.

I SPENT A GOOD PART OF THE DAY

PUZZLING OVER THE
PROPER SIGNATURE LINE

TO USE TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.

YOU'LL FIND SOMETHING.

I'M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING
FAMILIAR BUT NOT A CLICHE

YOU KNOW, SOMETHING
THAT'S MEMORABLE

BUT NOT TOO GIMMICKY.

IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER.

IT'S GOT SOMETHING TO...

PLEASE. I'M TRYING TO
HAVE A CONVERSATION.

IT'S HARD WITH
THE TELEVISION ON.

I JUST WANT TO GET
THE SCORE, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT. I WAS TRYING
TO DESCRIBE MY DILEMMA

WITH THIS PHRASE.

ALL RIGHT, FINE. I'M LISTENING.

ARE YOU HAPPY? I'M LISTENING.

THAT'S IT. "I'M LISTENING."
THAT'S FABULOUS.

HAVE YOU GOT A PENCIL?

YEAH, THERE'S ONE IN
THE KITCHEN ON THE TABLE.

"I'M LISTENING."

OH, I LOVE THAT.

UH, LOOK, I HATE
TO CUT THIS SHORT

BUT I TOLD SOME GUYS I'D
MEET THEM DOWN AT DUKE'S.

YOU'RE LEAVING?

YEAH. WHEN YOU'RE READY

I'LL WALK YOU OUT.

I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN TWO YEARS.

I STOP BY AND YOU'RE
LEAVING IN TEN MINUTES?

OH, WHY DON'T WE STOP
KIDDING OURSELVES?

YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO BE HERE

AND WE DON'T REALLY HAVE
ANYTHING TO TALK ABOUT.

AT LEAST I'M MAKING
THE EFFORT. OH, YEAH.

IT'S AN EFFORT TO
TALK TO ME, HUH?

I GUESS THAT'S WHY YOU
ONLY BOTHER COMING HOME

ONCE A YEAR AT CHRISTMAS.
WAIT, I TAKE THAT BACK.

LAST YEAR, YOU WENT TO ARUGULA,
WHEREVER THE HELL THAT IS.

DAD, YOU'RE PAINTING AN
AWFULLY BLEAK PICTURE.

EVER SINCE I MOVED TO BOSTON

I'VE COME HOME AT LEAST
THREE OR FOUR TIMES A YEAR.

THINGS GOT A
LITTLE HECTIC AND...

I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE
TO COME HOME AS OFTEN.

YEAH.

I NOTICED HOW BUSY YOU
GOT AFTER YOUR MOTHER DIED.

BUT WHAT THE HELL

I DIDN'T GO VISIT YOU
IN BOSTON EITHER, DID I?

SO WHY DON'T WE JUST DROP THIS?

NO.

THE POINT IS THAT
WE'RE HERE NOW.

TOGETHER.

I DON'T WANT THIS NIGHT TO END

BEFORE WE'VE AT LEAST TRIED

TO HAVE ONE REAL CONVERSATION.

WILL YOU AT LEAST SIT
DOWN WITH ME FOR AWHILE

AND LET'S TRY, PLEASE.

SO, UH...

YOU KNOW, I'D... I'D...

I'D FORGOTTEN HOW MUCH
IT REALLY DOES RAIN HERE.

YOU GET USED TO IT.

MAKES THINGS GREEN.

YEAH.

WHERE WOULD THE OLD
EARTH BE WITHOUT RAIN?

MY DARLING.

WOULD HAVE THOUGHT
THAT OLD FASCINATION

WOULD WEAR OFF BY NOW.

WELL, HELLO THERE.
OH, HI, YOU GUYS.

DAD TELLS ME YOU'VE BEEN
ON THE AIR THREE YEARS TODAY

SO WE'D LIKE TO TAKE
YOU OUT FOR DINNER.

WELL, THANK YOU.

DAD, HOW DID YOU KNOW?

WHY, I HEARD THAT
WOMAN WHO CALLED IN.

YOU LISTENED TO MY SHOW?

WELL, I... SORT OF

I... FELL ASLEEP DURING
THE MARINERS GAME

BUT WHEN I WOKE UP, YOU WERE ON.

YOU DIDN'T TURN ME OFF.

I DID NOT.

I LISTENED TO YOU
FOR TEN MINUTES

BEFORE I FINALLY
DOZED OFF AGAIN.

FAINT PRAISE AND YET
IT THUNDERS IN MY EARS.

HELLO, DR. CRANE.

OH, HELLO, DAPHNE.

LIKE TO JOIN US FOR DINNER?

THANKS, BUT NO. I
PROMISED MYSELF TONIGHT

I'D DECIDE WHAT I'M
DOING ON MY VACATION.

EITHER HOME TO THE FAMILY
OR TO SUNNY ACAPULCO.

I MAY JUST SQUEEZE
INTO MY BIKINI

AND LET MY HIPS
MAKE THE DECISION.

OF COURSE, IT WOULD
BE MORE MEMORABLE

IF WE CELEBRATED AT HOME.

LET'S GO.

LET'S GO.

HAVE A LOVELY TIME.

FELLOWS, HOLD THE
ELEVATOR FOR ME.

DAPHNE, UM...

I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT
OUR DISCUSSION THIS AFTERNOON

AND I'VE DECIDED TO GIVE
YOU AN EXTRA WEEK OFF

THAT WAY YOU CAN GO TO
MANCHESTER AND ACAPULCO.

THAT'S SO SWEET.

YOU REALLY MUST
THINK I SHOULD GO HOME.

WELL...

I'VE JUST REALIZED

THAT BEING PART
OF A FAMILY IS...

REALLY WORTH THE EFFORT.

AND...

VERY OFTEN THE EFFORT...

MEANS YOU'LL NEED
A WEEK IN ACAPULCO.

THANK YOU, DR. CRANE.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE IF
I TRY A LITTLE HARDER

IT WON'T BE THAT BAD.

WELL, IT'S A GOOD
WAY OF THINKING.

YOU KNOW, THINGS...

THINGS CAN GET BETTER.

HEY, LET'S GO!

I GOT ACID BURNING A
HOLE IN MY STOMACH!

STILL...

WOULD YOU MIND

LEAVING THOSE BROCHURES
OF ACAPULCO OUT FOR ME?