Frasier (1993–2004): Season 10, Episode 3 - Proxy Prexy - full transcript

A hell of a breakfast,
Daph. I'm stuffed.

Thanks. Now come on,
let's do some exercises.

And risk a cramp?

What kind of
training did you get?

FRASIER: Good morning.

Hey, Fras. Morning.

Want some breakfast?

Oh, uh, no, thanks.

Coffee will be fine.

Hi, Daph, uh, listen,

I could use an
objective opinion.



I am running for
condo board president.

I want to know what you
think of this as a slogan:

"Frasier Crane:
the People's Elixir."

Okay, I'm ready for
my exercises now.

Please, Dad, this is serious.

I have a feeling this
could be my year.

Don't you say that every year?

Yes, I do, but this year

I'm the only one running
against the incumbent,

which means the
people will rally

their inchoate yearnings
for change behind my banner.

Well, you're full
of catchy slogans.

Frasier, don't get

your hopes up too high.



I mean, name one
person on the condo board

you haven't ticked
off at least once.

That's just because
I have a type-A,

hands-on,
get-it-done personality.

Seriously, name one.

You know, Fras, you might be

the best man for the
job, but a friendly smile

and a "How do you
do?" in the hallway

goes a lot further than
being "the People's Laxative."

Elixir.

Well, I suppose you're right.

I haven't really established
myself as the neighborly sort.

I thought that my term

as fire safety captain
might do the trick,

but... I guess I drilled
them once too often.

Maybe you could give him lessons
on how to be a normal person.

I beg your pardon?

Say, I've got an idea.

Dad, why don't you just run?

Why would I want to do that?

Well, because then the people
would get their regular guy

but he would have
my political agenda.

I get it. Your father's
the figurehead,

like Woodrow Wilson
when he had that stroke

and his wife secretly
acted as president.

Yes, exactly.

But, of course, Dad would
be conscious, presumably.

(laughs)

How did you know about that?

I'm studying for my
citizenship exam.

It's about time I became an
American like everyone else.

If you were like everyone else,
you wouldn't know any history.

So, Dad, what do you think?

I don't know...
sounds like a big pain.

Oh, come on, Dad.

Think of the neighbors.

Think of the building, the
good we could do together.

We can actually achieve

the dream of luxury
apartment living

that our founders intended.

Plus, I'll do all the work.

I'll tell you something I
always thought we needed:

wider parking spaces so
the doors don't get dinged.

All right, you do this for me

I'll make sure that
gets done. Really?

Absolutely... Mr. President.

I like the sound of that.

(both laughing)

Now, I think I should
still run against you.

Why?

Well, if I drop out just as
you announce your candidacy,

people might suspect
something's up.

It's better that our
political legerdemain

remain sub rosa, hmm?

How would a normal
person say that, Dad?

No one needs to know
how the hot dogs are made.

This is going to be sweet.

Which brings me to
my final opponent...

Martin Crane.

Now, we're all well aware

that he is a decorated war hero

and a much-honored
police officer,

but does he have the
building's interests at heart?

Maybe.

I simply ask that you

stack up his 45
years of experience

against my term as
fire safety captain.

Thank you...

and God Bless Elliot Bay Towers.

(light applause)

And now we'll hear
from Martin Crane.

(cheering and applause)

( chuckling)

Uh, thanks, I'm Marty Crane.

Uh, I just want to say
that it's a privilege to run

and, uh, I'll try to
do the best I can.

Thank you, and... go Seahawks!

( applause)

PAUL: Here's where we'd
hear from our third candidate

current president
Jim McIntyre, but, uh...

last night he informed me that
we was giving up condo board

in order to pursue his dream

of teaching English
as a second language.

Dream? Or court-ordered
community service?

So, I guess it's time to vote.

Well, I wish we would have known

that guy wasn't going to run.

I wouldn't have had
to spend all night

working on my speech.

Yes... plus, I would
automatically be president now.

Yeah. Even you couldn't
lose a one-man election.

Hmm? You're forgetting 1998.

Oh, yeah, when you
lost to the dead guy.

He wasn't dead,
he was in a coma.

How was I supposed
to compete with that?

Okay, ladies and
gentlemen, we have winner

in a surprisingly

close vote of 15 to two.

Our new president
is Martin Crane.

Yes!

I got two votes.

Bye-bye.

Oh... what a great massage.

It's too bad her
English wasn't better.

She could have told
us some of her secrets.

Yes, but now we know that Urdu

is the official
language of heaven.

I could go for a snack.

Want some pâté?

No, thanks.

Some cheese?

No.

Pâté?

Again, no.

How about a salad?

Or a fruit salad?

Ooh, I could throw
together a little mélange.

( doorbell rings)

I'll get it.

A mélange sounds lovely.

Roz, I thought
you were going out

with that man from your gym.

We didn't even
make it to dinner.

Here's your never-fail
date purse back.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, come on in.

Are you sure?

You look like
you're going to bed.

No, we just got a massage.

Come in.

Oh, boy a massage
sounds wonderful.

She did the most
incredible thing to my neck.

Here, let me show you.

Oh...

Mm-hmm.

So, how could you tell

your date wasn't meant to be?

He had the same purse.

Wow, that feels so good.

Mm-hmm.

Ooh, hi, Roz.

Hi.

Poor thing had a bad date.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, now that Daphne's
helping you relax,

you want to join us
in a little mélange?

What?

You'll love it.

Niles is amazing.

Wait, what are you saying?

Unless you have other plans.

Well... I guess not, but...

Great.

Then here you go.

Oh... fruit salad.

Oh, my God.

I thought you said "ménage."

( laughing)

Well, the fruits do mix
a little promiscuously.

ROZ: I mean, I was thinking

"Oh, my God, what
are they saying?"

Rest assured we
would have offered you

something more than fruit salad

to get you in the mood.

You know what?

She didn't say "no."

You're right, she didn't.

It was only because it was so
weird I didn't know what to say.

Is that why?

I think someone has
a little crush on us.

You wish.

We know what you wish.

Okay, okay, forget it.

Let's talk about something else.

What are you guys
going to do this weekend?

You, if you get your way.

( laughing)

So, if we had have asked
you you would have said "no"?

Of course I would have.

I see. And what's wrong with us?

Do you find us unattractive?

What if we wore masks?

Oh, that'd have to be
Nixon and Frankenstein.

That's all we've got.
All right, you guys!

Stop it.

I'm sorry I didn't understand

your little code
word for fruit salad.

DAPHNE: We're sorry.

Here you haven't even had
dinner and we're teasing you.

Oh, you haven't?
I didn't know that.

Let me make you something.

No, it's okay. I'm
not that hungry.

Oh, come on.

Well, all right, I wouldn't
say no to a sandwich.

(both laughing)

Yes, he's doing a
hell of a job, isn't he?

Oh, listen, what did you think

of the new plants in the lobby?

Dad was particularly pleased

with how they complemented
the filigree in the sconces.

Don't tell people that.

Yes, I suppose the
best man did win.

Bye-bye.

Another satisfied constituent.

( doorbell rings)
Well, whoop-de-do.

Hello.

Frasier. Hey, Marty...

Hey, Paul.

I just came down
to congratulate you.

Every president talks
about getting new dryers

but you finally did
something about it.

You see, Dad, they love what
you're doing for the building.

Of course, the sting of
losing was quite painful,

but it's worth it if we
can have a laundry room

that can take us
into the 21st century.

You're being a good
sport about this, Frasier.

Well, you know, public-
spiritedness is the Crane code.

Right on.

Uh, Paul, could you, uh...

Oh, sure.

Hey, is it okay if I
move the recycling bins

down to the landing at
the bottom of the stairs?

Knock yourself out.

Great. Thanks.

Is this going to be a problem?

What?

I think we need to reach
a little understanding.

Now, if someone
asks you a question,

you look at me.

If I scratch my nose...

it means "no."

You get it?

They both begin with the
same two letters... N-O.

Now, if I

touch my eye...

it means "aye," as in "yes."

Guess what you're
being if I touch my ass.

Dad...

I think I can at least

take care of the
no-brainer decisions myself.

That is not how this
is supposed to work.

Well, I thought how this
was supposed to work

was that if I agreed to do this

you'd do the one
thing I asked for.

Yes, wider parking spaces.

But I have five years of
ideas here to implement first.

Five years?!

By the time I get
my parking space

I'll be driving a
three-wheeled scooter

with an oxygen tank on the back.

Look, even if I
could fast-track it,

there are feasibility
studies to be done.

There's a committee review
and there's a bidding process.

You can't just hire some
guy with a can of paint.

That's what I'd do.

Well, that is why
you're not in charge.

Now...

here's your agenda
for the next meeting.

Make sure that you
follow it to the letter.

Yes, master.

Dad, I sense you

chafing under the cruel
yoke of public service.

Remember, we must
subordinate our own wishes

for the good of the building.

And that is not one
of our hand signals.

Next item, a study

to determine the
feasibility of putting...

something on the roof.

Any volunteers?

I volunteer, and I
would like to explore

the idea of putting
a patio on the roof.

All right. Well, that
about wraps things up.

Uh, query.

Recognized.

Wasn't there something
else you wanted to bring up?

No. Don't think so.

Are you sure?

I-I could have sworn
I heard the president

say something about a
new ventilation system.

Oh, we've done
enough for tonight.

No, you haven't!

I'm certain that if you
simply consult the agenda

which you so
painstakingly prepared,

you will find that
there is one last item.

Oh, yeah.

Here it is.

Wider parking spaces.

MAN: Oh, that's good.

Real good. Great idea.

Classic Marty.

Are you sure it's not
a ventilation system?

No. Wider... spaces.

Those in favor
of better parking?

Aye. Aye. Aye.

Opposed to better parking?

Nay! Motion carries.

Query! Not recognized.

Marty, I'm afraid I
have to interrupt.

There's a delivery for you.

Bring it in, Mrs. Richman.

Here we go.

Whoa. A cake.

What's the occasion?

We wanted to show
you our appreciation

for all the great things
you've done for us.

Wow! I never thought
I'd see myself in frosting.

In the last couple of weeks,

you've done more
for this building

than the last two
presidents combined.

Where did you get
all these great ideas?

Oh, I don't know.

They just come to me

while I'm trying to watch TV.

Why don't you
make yourself useful

and cut the cake, Fras?

My pleasure, Mr. President.

Hello.

Oh, don't be sore.

I'll get to the ventilation
system eventually.

You went back on our agreement.

I'm the one who's supposed
to call the shots around here.

Our agreement was that
I'd get wider parking spaces

but you blew me off.

As far as I'm concerned

the agreement is over.

Besides, I think I have a knack

for this president thing.

Now, I'd like to keep you

on my team, but if
it's too rough for you

just say the word.

Well, well, well.

The puppet thinks
he's a real boy.

I don't think you have
the skills for this job.

I have something
better... People skills.

So do I, but these
boobs and nincompoops

are too stupid to see it!

Well, if you're so sure
you're indispensable

maybe you should
run for president.

Oh, wait. You did. Five times.

They wouldn't love you so much

if it weren't for my ideas!

Right, because you need a PhD

to think about
repainting the lobby.

Oh, wait. You don't.

Would you stop doing that?

You're right.

It's not an effective
way to argue.

Oh, wait. It is.

DAPHNE: Don't you just love
this part of American history?

I'm not much of
a Civil War buff.

Really? It's fascinating...

Much more so than
the English Civil War.

Impossible.

Didn't you want to be
there when Charles I

unfurled his standard
at Nottingham in 1642?

Ugh. You sound like school.

We'll let Frasier settle it.

Which civil war was
more interesting?

Spanish!

But I don't have
time to prove it.

I've got to go
confront Evita Peron

at the condo board
meeting tonight.

Dad? Yes.

I thought he was
doing a good job.

Well, he was...

Until he started
to think for himself.

He's so damn popular

everybody else
just follows along.

It's like the blind
leading the blind.

Well... But it will not stand!

As soon as he calls
for new business tonight

I am going to leap to
my feet and expose him

for the power-mad
dictator that he's become.

Mm. Mmm, mm, mm.

Then I'll take over.

Dr. Crane! Frasier, Frasier!

Maybe you should take
it easy on your father.

Why?!

Because he's getting out more,

having fun with other
people in the building.

You can't take
that away from him.

You get to be a
big shot all the time.

This is Dad's turn
in the limelight.

It's good for his self-esteem.

I don't know why I
even talk to you people.

Frasier. Not now!

Okay!

Hi. Can I join you guys?

Oh.

I think someone
is coming on to us.

Someone just
can't leave us alone.

Okay.

You guys have been doing
this for over two weeks.

Lay off.

I thought laying off

was exactly what you
didn't want us to do.

That's a good one.

Doesn't even make sense.

Listen,

I don't want to have
a threesome with you.

I never wanted to have
a threesome with you,

and I will not have a
threesome with you!

So quit bringing it up!

I think we went
a little too far.

Not as far as she wanted to go.

(both giggling)

Excuse me. Yes.

I'm sorry, I couldn't
help overhearing

and as a fellow
nontraditional sex enthusiast...

Our day will come.

Here's my card.

Thank you.

Oh, and by the way, a
bunch of us get together

over at the SeaTac Hyatt
second Saturday of every month,

and if you want to
just tape your wife

with another dude, that's cool.

Thank you, Mrs. Richman.

And for anyone
who needs reminding

these meetings
start at 8:00, not 8:07.

Noted.

Well, shall we open the
floor up to new business?

Yes! Yes! Yes!

It's time you people
understood the real kind of...

Hold it, Crane.

I got real business here.

Can you tell us when
we're going to be able to get

our cars back into
the parking garage?

Oh, yeah.

The lines should get

their second coat
tomorrow, and if it doesn't rain

it should be dry by
the end of the week.

Uh-huh, and in the meantime
we have to park out on the street.

Well, I know it's a
little inconvenient.

Inconvenient?!

I got a ticket!

Yeah. My wife got towed.

But after it's done, we'll
have wider parking spaces.

If you make them wider

aren't we going to
lose some spaces?

Where are those
people supposed to go?

Um, well, uh, maybe
we could take turns.

Take turns?! Take turns?!

Does everybody
here need their car?

Of course we need a car.

Have you got a copy
of the feasibility report?

Yeah, feasibility report.

Uh, yes, the, uh...
feasibility report.

You only have one
piece of paper there.

How long will it take

before we get them
painted back the right way?

And who's going to pay

for all the tickets we get?

I had to lug my groceries

three blocks!

Look, I'm sorry...

What? Did you just hire a guy

with a can of paint?

No.

People, people!

If you just let him
talk, he could explain.

My father is currently
in negotiations

with a salvage company to
remove the old boiler room,

which would give us the
extra spaces we need.

Where are we going to
park in the meantime?

My father has already discussed
with the building next door

sharing their parking spaces.

Isn't that right, Dad?

Uh... Yeah. Right.

We should have
had more faith in you.

You've had a lot
of good ideas so far.

Well, actually, I've got
something to tell you

about those good ideas.

Dad.

All that good stuff...

all the stuff you
were crazy about...

it all came from Frasier.

From the very beginning,

he's been the
one running things,

and I think we should
give him a little credit.

Well, thank you, Dad,
that's very kind of you.

In fact, uh...

having me run
was Frasier's idea.

He figured that...

he figured that you'd
go for his policies

if they came from somebody else.

So this whole thing was a scam.

Well, I wouldn't call it a scam.

It was just a fake-out.

Frasier, how could you
do your father like this?

He's always wanted
to be president,

but I never thought
he would stoop this low.

All right, that's enough!

My son is the best thing

that ever happened
to this condo board,

but you guys are
too petty to see it.

Well, you people
don't deserve him

and if you don't want him,
you don't get me either.

I resign.

Come on, Fras.

Right behind you, Dad.

Now what do we do?

Well, technically, when
the president resigns

the runner-up takes power.

That's right, isn't it?

Well.

It's not the way I would have
liked it, but bylaws are bylaws.

So, as your president

I would like to quote a man

who understands the
language of the people.

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a-calling ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Quite stylish ♪

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

( laughs)

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're calling again. ♪

Thank you!