Frasier (1993–2004): Season 10, Episode 2 - Enemy at the Gate - full transcript

A very bad-tempered Frasier takes out his frustration through an act of civil disobedience, refusing to pay a small parking fee and blocking the exit lane of the garage.

When the phone company says
they will be at your door

between the hours
of 9:00 and noon

they have entered
into a verbal contract.

If they show up at 12:47, they
are in breach of said contract.

Again, I agree.

Well, I just shouldn't

have waited
for them, that's all.

Now my entire day is thrown off.

Still, I appreciate your taking
the time to give me a lift.

FRASIER:
Yes, well, when you informed me

you had to get to
the Promenade shops posthaste



I assumed it was
an actual emergency--

not to return a cage

for some silly lovebirds.

It may not be on the order
of a fallen pant cuff,

but until I get back home
with something more secure,

little Daphne and Niles
are living under a colander.

Dear God..

don't tell me you actually named them
after yourselves.

A big mistake, I admit.

This morning
when Daphne escaped,

I just kept thinking
"What if she's hurt or lost

or eaten by a cat?"

Or worse...
"What if she meets a bird

who's more birdly than Niles
but without the substance."



Trust me, no one
is more birdly than Niles.

What is with
all this traffic?

I tell you, don't
these people have jobs?

Some of us have a radio show to
do.

Frasier, relax, you're not on
for another hour and a half.

Well... that
can't be right.

Oh, dear God!

My show's
on in 15 minutes!

I had no idea
it was so late.

Hey, you can just
drop me out front.

I'll get a cab home.

FRASIER:
I'm afraid I'll have to.
Damn it!

I tell you, he gets in here and
wants to hear his radio station

and he starts pushing buttons
like a lab rat on amphetamines.

Excuse me.
We've changed our minds.

We won't be parking.

That's two dollars.

No, you see, we just came in
for a second

and decided not to park.

Just check the time
on the ticket.

Look, it's two dollars for any portion
of 20 minutes.

One second, ten minutes,
whatever.

Unless you go over,
then it's two more dollars

Forgive me.
Perhaps I'm not being clear.

You see, I mistakenly pulled
in here, decided not to park,

and now I'd like
to just get out.

Two dollars.

I have two dollars.

ATTENDANT:
Sorry, your mistake

you pay; that's policy.

Oh, really?

It just so happens that I have
a few policies of my own,

and one of them is that I do not
pay good money for nothing.

Well, not for nothing

but your car's taking up space
on the property.

That's not parking.
It's parked to me.

But it's been continually in motion.

It stopped.

But it's still running.

It's parked.
Look, the fee is two dollars.

.
There's nothing you can do

Is that so?

Did you hear that, Niles?

Yes, and it makes sense to me.

Fine.

Have it your way.

(engine shuts off)

What are we doing, Frasier?

If I'm going to be paying for parking,

we are going to get
our 20 minutes worth.

Then he may have my $2.

(car horns honking)

and a little bit of sky.

Ear with sky.

Ear with sky.

Well, this is it.

Sorry, it's
taken me so long

to pick up the
last of my things.

Oh, no problem.

Frasier's not having
the carpet people here
till Friday.

Oh, really?

When it was my room

he said the carpet's
good for another 20 years.

Yeah, well, now it's going
to be a reading sanctuary.

He's turning my room
into a library?

No, he made it very clear
it was a reading sanctuary.

A library implies sharing.

I think there are some pieces
missing from this one.

You always say that.
Keep looking.

Why do I even do
this stupid thing?

Some puzzle. There's a picture

of what it's going to look like
right on the box.

You always say that, too.

(barking)

What's wrong, Eddie?

Come, boy.

He must know

you're moving.

He gets this way whenever
I bring out my suitcase.

He knows I'm going away,
and he starts raising hell.

Boy, come.

(barking continues)

Yeah, that's what it looks like.

Well, there's nothing
to get upset about.

I'll be here every day
for your physical therapy.

You hear that, boy?

She'll be here every day
to torture your master.

(barks)

What should I do?

Maybe it'd distract him
if you made me lunch.

(horn honking)

Hold it, man!

Dumbass!

Other motorists
are getting angry.

If they weren't so shortsighted

they'd see that I'm doing
this for their own good.

Like correcting
people's grammar--

I don't do it to be popular.

And I support that,
but in this case

I strongly feel that we should
pay the money

and get out of here
before there's violence.

Oh, Niles, they can get
around us if they want to.

So, what, it takes them
an extra two seconds?

It's a small price to pay
for making this a better world.

Niles, you'll get home

to your stupid, filthy birds
soon enough!

I meant that your radio show
is about to start.

Dumbass.

(horns honking)

Right.

doc?
Where the hell's the

He still isn't here.

It's almost show time.

I swear to God nobody
here has any discipline.

I mean, gee whiz,
I try to make ever

and all it gets me
is a twisted gut.

Well, no more.

This Saturday, we're going
to have a staff meeting.

We're going to hash out some rules.

I'm busy Saturday.

.
Well, it's not mandatory

(phone rings)

Roz Doyle.

Frasier, where are you?

What?

He's at some mall.

He's still got ten minutes
of parking left.

You know, you don't have to us
the full 20 minutes.

(Frasier yelling indistinctly)
He knows that.

What are you doing?

What? You lost me
after Gandhi.

Just stall.

I don't know.

Read some fan mail,
if you have to.

There must be!

Just check
in my in box!

Oh, never mind.

.
I'll be there when I get there

And when I do, I will have a
little speech for my listeners

about the power of one.

Sounds like everybody's
a winner today.

Are you being snide?

.
Because that's not helping

I will just go
and return my birdcage.

Niles, you close
that door!

You can't desert me in the middle of a fight.

I'm not deserting you.

It would appear to others
that you are,

thereby weakening my position.

Please, you must stay.

What the hell is going on here?

I'm glad you asked me
that question.

I'm making a stand
against this garage

that holds me, my passenger
and my automobile hostage

for a parking fee
which I do not owe.

He don't want
to pay two dollars.

.
I already told you,
it's not about the money

In fact, to prove it
's not about the money,

I will donate two dollars
to the charity of your choice.

Only rich people have time
for this kind of crap.

Just pay the two bucks, Mr. BMW.

My income and the style of car
which I drive are irrelevant.

Isn't that so, Niles?

Yes. I drive a Mercedes

and I would have paid
ten minutes ago.

I told my boss
I have a non-pay.

Oh. You see, Niles,
this happens so often

they actually have a name
for us.

More than one, I bet.

Just sign the form where it says
"Unable to Pay"

and you can send
us a check.

(laughs)
I'm certainly not
going to send you a check.

Look, most people don't.

Just sign the form
so I can get this gate open.

.
Oh, Frasier, it's an out

You should take it.

Niles, I refuse to sign anything

that says I am unable to pay--
it's untrue.

ATTENDANT:
Look, I really
don't care, Jack.

I just got to get
this lane reopened

Now, it's either two dollars or the form

so I can put it in my drawer.

You know my terms:
you will receive your money

when the 20 minutes is up.

Fine.

Then I'll put in my own money.

No, no, you can't do that.

.
It's too late. It's on me

Go ahead, Mr. Beemer.

Don't you call me that.

!
You put that down right now.
We're not going anywhere

(horns honking)
(Niles screams)

I can't do this anymore,
Frasier!

Will you excuse me?

What are you talking about?

Do you really want justice?

Or is this just an outlet
for your bad mood?

Oh, fine, just go.

And bravo for staying
a whole ten minutes.

Good-bye!

I don't blame you

for bailing
on that idiot.

He's not an idiot.
He's just passionate.

I think he's an idiot.

Suit yourself, idiot.

That idiot
happens to be my brother.

(horns honking)

Don't these people realize
I'm on their side?

I don't think they care
so long as you're in their lane.

I am doing this
for all of you!

Don't you understand?

us.
No, no, come out here and explain it to

Don't even think
about it, Frasier.

That man wants to hit you.

I'm not afraid.

People, please.

I am not the enemy.

I am your champion.

Well, we got places to be,
so move your ass.

WOMAN:
Yeah, move it.

But I'm doing this
for all of us.

If you want to do something
for me, get out of the way.

Yeah, save the protest for your own driveway.

If you could only see things
from my point of view,

then I'm sure
you'd agree with me.

You see,
I pulled into this garage

decided not to park,
and now I want to leave

but they still insist
on collecting two dollars.

Is that fair?

Has a service been provided?

Even if it's a rip-off

it's better than causing
a big stink.

Ah, but is it?

I say no.

I say we've been trod upon long enough

by people who are supposedly
providing us services.

By the postmen who mix up
our deliveries--

by the telephone repairmen
who swear to be there

between 9:00 and noon

and yet arrive at 12:47 when you're wearing

nothing but a towel
and a head full of shampoo.

Well, enough!

I invoke my right
to peaceful protest.

Civil disobedience is a
cornerstone of this country,

for it is how
the common man is heard.

Can you tow it?

Not with him in it

Well, that's just tough luck,
because we ain't budgin'

You'll have to call the police.

Good idea
About time.

Go ahead!

I think I've made a mistake.

Maybe it's time to back down

I'm not sure that I can.

I am right, after all.

My principles
are holding me captive.

Your principles
may have started this,

My right

The rigid ones are those
who operate this garage

and enforce
such inflexible policies.

You've been given more
than one opportunity

to leave without paying.

Yes, but that's not the point.

They have to know why I won't pay.

Which you could
explain in a letter.

But, no, you won't
be satisfied

until everyone either
agrees with you

or has suffered
for failing to.

Do you really think so?

I do.

Well...

that's quite an indictment

I've never really thought
of myself as uncompromising.

Well, not in a bad way.

I'm not sure I like
this side of myself.

If you can leave here

without getting
your full 20 minutes worth,

you'll be
the bigger person for it.

Yes, but then these taunting
motorists won't know

that I'm being
the bigger person.

They'll think they've gotten the better of me

or that I'm afraid
to be arrested.

The bigger person doesn't worry about
what other people think.

Damn!

I do want to be
the bigger person.

It's just so hard.

You know, we wouldn't
be in this mess

if it weren't for you
and that ridiculous birdcage.

Oh, come on.

I can only change
one character flaw at a time.

DAPHNE:
You were right
about distracting him.

He seems fine now.
But as soon as you head

for that door again,
he's going to have a fit

Let me get you
some dog treats
to give him.

I don't understand.

I may sleep across town

but I still see him
all the time.

Well, you've got to look at it

from Eddie's point of view.

This person who's meant
so much to him

isn't going to be
living here anymore.

For nine years, he's felt the comfort

of knowing you were here
every night

and making him his
breakfast every morning.

He's come to depend on that.

Now everything's changed.

Oh, would
you look at that.

He's probably going
to get under my bed to pout.

I think he'll adjust.

Well, who knows?

Old dogs get used
to a certain routine.

And as tough
as they might look,

they get lonely.

But I guess he'll adjust
eventually.

You know, maybe I haven't be
en coming around enough lately.

Why don't you and I make
a regular appointment

to walk him together?

Oh, geez, that'd be great.

I have to check with him

but he's free
most of the time.

Why don't we start
tomorrow morning?

That way I can have breakfast
with the old boy, too.

He'd really like that.

(door closes)

and a fruit cup.

That takes care
of the St. Victoria's

elementary lunch schedule
for the next month.

We'll be back to tackle
St. Victor's after this.

Holy buckets,
what are you doing?

Take some calls.

I'm not a shrink.

I can't tell people
what to do.

Yeah, that always stops
you women.

Just rap about something.

Open up a discussion, you know.

over.
The station's I.D.'s

Go.
Okay.

Hello again, everybody.

Well, we're still
waiting on Dr. Crane,

so until he gets here,

let's hear what's
on your minds.

And you know the number.

Give me a call.

Hello, caller.
You're on the air.

MAN:
Hi, Roz, this is Mark
from Bainbridge,

and I made a big mistake.

(imitating Frasier):
Go on.

I slept with my boss.

Now things at work
are super uncomfortable.

Well, Mark, I feel for you.

I've been there myself.

What you ought to do is just
talk it out with your boss.

You went through this, too?

Yeah. And it was weird
for a while

but now,
things are just fine.

Who else out there
needs my advice?

Let me hear your calls.

You're on the air.

How can I solve your problem?

WOMAN:
Actually, I was calling
about something else,

but when you say
"now things are fine"

it sounds like you still
work with this person.

What?

(chuckling):
No. No.

I worked with this person
a long, long time ago.

Then why'd you say "now"?

Because...
I don't speak so good?

And... isn't Dr. Crane
your boss?

Well, no. I like to think
of Frasier as a colleague.

So now he's "Frasier."

No, uh... yeah...

.
I mean, it's just that I..

I think you did Frasier.

of your character.

You can decide
right now

that you're going
to be the flexible one here.

Pay the money and go.

I could break my pattern.

Yes.

I could just pay the money

without proving to everyone
that I'm right.

Without teaching them
a lesson.

Exactly. You can do it.

Sir...

I'll have you know

I am leaving with time to spare.

Congratulations.

Since you cannot understand
the moral code

for which I stayed here,

I'm sure you must be perplex
ed that I am leaving

before the 20 minutes is up.

Suffice to say, I am
the bigger man for it.

And you and your nefarious
policy may now carry on

in what is highway robbery
in the truest sense

of the expression.

Here is your ticket...

and...

your ill-gotten two dollars.

Four dollars.

Four dollars?!

You went over 20 minutes.

It's two dollars for each portion of 20 minutes.

But I already backed down.

Well, if you would've
spared me the speech

you would've made it out
in time.

Tough break, huh?

Indeed.

Hold on, Niles.

(tires screeching)

I can't believe it.

I mean, I always
felt some chemistry

between you and the doc but... wowza!

This can't hurt ratings.

Calm down, Kenny.
It isn't true.

(laughing):
Yeah, right.

Hey, you didn't do it here at the station, did you?

Of course not.

Hey, as long as it wasn't on my couch, who gives?

Hey, the commercial's over.

And we're back...

with our new topic:

Cats or dogs: which is better?

Hello, caller,
you're on the air.

MAN:
This is Jerry from Elliot Bay.

Which do you
have, Jerry,

cat or a dog?

Frasier, I'm so sorry.

I really screwed up.

That's all right, Roz.

I'll take care
of everything.

I just want to know what's going on with Dr. Crane.

Yes, well,
I'll bet you do, Jerry.

Dr. Frasier Crane here, Seattle.

I'm sorry I'm late.

It sounds like Roz has
informed you of my exploits.

She hasn't said much.

We'd like to hear it
from you.

Well, it wasn't my finest hour

Let's just say
that I got in there

realized I made a mistake

and then tried like hell
to get out.

Frasier!

and then a line started
to form behind me.

Fortunately, my brother was
with me for moral support

and, well, let's face it,
somebody to talk to.

You know,
you'd be amazed

how long 20 minutes can be
when you're watching the clock

At least, in the end

I got out of there without
paying the four dollars.

♪♪ Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a-calling ♪


♪♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, my ♪♪

♪♪ And maybe I seem
a bit confused ♪♪

♪♪ Well, maybe,
but I got you pegged ♪♪

(laughs)

♪♪ But I don'’’t know what to do
♪♪

♪♪ With those tossed salad
s and scrambled eggs ♪♪

♪♪ They'’’re calling again
. ♪♪

Good night, everybody!