Frasier (1993–2004): Season 1, Episode 17 - A Mid-Winter Night's Dream - full transcript

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Double cappuccino,
half-caf, nonfat milk

with just enough foam to
be aesthetically pleasing

but not so much that
it leaves a mustache.

Cinnamon or chocolate on that?

Oh, they make this so
complicated. Um... cinnamon.

And you?

Well, let me see.
I think I'll have...

Oh, look, it's Daphne! Daphne!

Daphne!

Oh, hello! Thought I
might run into you here.



Oh, please, sit, sit.

I just stopped in
for a bag of beans.

We're running low at home.

I'd be happy to help.

Two pounds of...

the Kenya blend.
The Kenya blend.

You remembered.

Hard to forget.

FRASIER: Excuse me. You
haven't taken my order yet.

Most people find
that blend too intense.

Not me. I like something that
holds its body on me tongue.

Excuse me. We seem to
have spilled something here.

If you could just...

I don't suppose you'd be
interested in something robust



if it didn't come on too strong.

If it was a little bit sweet,
I might take a liking to it.

Would you like to
step over to the counter

and try my special blend?

I'd love to.

( angrily): Oh,
nothing for me, thanks!

Frasier, that man is
hitting on our Daphne.

I don't know how
does she stand it.

Niles, apropos of nothing

how are things
between you and Maris?

Are you implying that my
concern for Daphne's welfare

is anything less than pure?

I don't know. You tell me.

Frasier, that is your
great shortcoming.

You're always distrustful.
You're always suspicious.

Sometime you just
have to have faith

that people are all right.

What's he doing now?!

I believe he's
bagging her beans.

Oh!

Oh, I'm so excited.

Eric, over there, is
taking me to a club

to hear his band tonight.

Oh, I know it's not
me regular night off

but I'll switch it with Saturday
if that's okay with you.

Isn't he lovely?

I already have a nickname
for him: Eric the Red.

It favors him, doesn't it?

Don't you think he
looks like a Viking?

Well, ta-ta.

Oh, look at me.

I forgot me beans.

Earth to Daphne.

How could she like him?

The man has community
college written all over him.

Niles, you know, this
infatuation with Daphne

is really getting out of hand.

I didn't really mind
when it was just a flirtation

but I can't help thinking

that this is symptomatic
of something wrong

between you and Maris.

Well, is it?

Oh, Frasier, I can't lie to you.

The truth is, Maris
and I are in a bit of a rut.

We seem to have lapsed

into this gray,
numbing blandness.

Well, that's perfectly normal
in a relationship of some years.

Maybe you should try
spicing things up a bit.

You mean, boudoir-wise?

Well, for starters, yeah.

Like how?

Well, well, the two
of you could, uh...

Well, you could...

Well, it's you and
Maris, so you could...

I'm stumped.

Oh, hi, Roz. How are you?

Do you really want
to know how I am

or are you just
making conversation?

Because, if you really want
to know how I am, I'll tell you.

Well, I was just
making conversation.

But, actually, Roz,
there's some advice I need.

About what?

A subject in which you're
quite well-versed: sex.

How can I help you?

What do you do when...

when the romance goes
out of a relationship?

I get dressed and go home.

All right, let's
assume for a moment

that you are capable of
a long-term relationship.

What would you do
to keep things cooking?

Well, once I had boyfriend
take me out to a bar

and we pretended we were
strangers picking each other up.

Actually, that was kind of hot.

So you used, like,
fantasy, role-playing...

Yeah, yeah. Matter of fact,

we had so much
fun we tried it again.

Only, the next
time, he got so into it

he went home with another woman.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, hell, she was gorgeous.

One more drink, and I would
have gone home with her.

My point is that women need

to see the men they make love to

as exciting, romantic figures.

So I say, if you want to
keep this woman interested

try creating a fantasy
for an evening.

Personally, I think you'd
make a very sexy gladiator.

Roz, this is not for me,

This is for my brother Niles.

Oh, well, in that case,
make it a gladiola.

( doorbell rings)

( ringing insistently)

Niles! Niles!

I'm sorry, Frasier

but something
horrible has happened.

Maris kicked me out.

Dear God, why? What for?

Oh, my!

MARTIN: What's going
on out there? Niles?

Hello, Dad.

Never mind. I
don't want to know.

Dad, wait. There's a perfectly
reasonable explanation

for the way I'm dressed.

All right, just keep in mind

that I reserve the right
to say "stop" at any time.

My plan was to leave a
treasure map downstairs for Maris

with clues that would lead
her to my whereabouts.

Then I'd hide in
the linen closet

and wait for her to find me.

Dressed like that?

Actually, no.

At the time, I was
wearing only my eye patch.

Although, technically,
is it still an eye patch

if you're wearing it on your...?

Stop!

Well, there I was...
ooh! Lying in wait

with my little plastic knife
clenched between my teeth

when suddenly the
closet door was flung open

and I found myself face-to-face
with the upstairs maid.

Well, she began screaming

what I gather were unflattering
things in idiomatic Guatemalan

when Maris stumbled
upon the scene

and completely misconstrued it.

Next thing I knew

she ordered me out of the house.

I barely had time to
grab my pantaloons

and buckle my swash.

Dad...

Dad, it's not funny.

Where did you come up
with such a stupid idea?

Frasier!

All I suggested was
some sexual role-playing.

You're the one that came up

with Pirates of the Caribbean.

Oh, I've really bungled
it this time, haven't I?

Oh, come on,
these things happen.

Why don't you stay
here tonight with us

and then, tomorrow morning

you and Maris
can sort things out.

What if we don't?
What will I do then?

Well, I suppose they could
always use an extra busboy

at the Jolly Roger.

I'll never be able to
face the maid again.

I don't think it's your
face she'll remember.

Oh, come on, Niles.

Everybody has an
embarrassing story to tell.

Did I ever tell
you about the time

I got locked outside in the
backyard in my underwear?

Only every Thanksgiving.

Well, don't worry, I
won't be telling that story

this year.

Here we are: Canadian
goose down pillow

Egyptian cotton sheet
and a nice vicuna throw

in case you get a little
chilly during the night.

How perfect.

I still say a couple
of years in the service

would have done you
boys a world of good.

Good night.

Good night.

You know, Frasier, Maris and I
have had our difficulties before

but never anything this serious.

I really feel terrible

having her mad at me.

At times like this, I
wish I knew how to cry.

Oh, don't be embarrassed
on my account, Niles.

No, no, it's not that. I'm
just not someone who cries.

It's not in my nature.

When Maris' Uncle Lyle died

I had to shut my
hand in the car door

just to make a decent
showing at the funeral.

You're a complex
little pirate, aren't you?

Well, good night, Niles.

Good night.

( groans)

DAPHNE: Thank you again, Eric.

I had a wonderful time.

Me, too.

DAPHNE: Well, good night.

ERIC: Good night.

( weeping)

I know we've only
had a few dates

but I'm already
exhibiting the three signs

of a woman in love:

I can't stop thinking
about him, I can't eat

and I bought myself
all new underwear.

We got to get her
a girlfriend to talk to.

I just got off the
phone with Maris.

She's in Arizona
for the weekend.

Why?

Well, she said she was so
shattered by the experience

she had to fly to
her favorite spa

to contemplate the
future of our marriage

from a mud bath.

Well, it'll probably be
good for Mrs. Crane.

Eric thinks the earth
is very grounding.

Eric, Eric, Eric! Must
everything always be about Eric?

Niles, may I suggest

that, when Maris returns,
you both invest some time

in some intensive
couples therapy?

There's a Reichian group...

Oh, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah.

All Maris needs to know

is that you love her.

Buy her some flowers.

Fix her a nice, romantic
dinner when she gets home.

That's enough to make
any woman forgive you.

You really think that will work?

If it didn't, you
wouldn't be here.

Well, I'd be willing to
try, but it's impossible.

Our cook walked out
in sympathy with Maris.

Well, I could help you
prepare something.

I have a late date with Eric...

ca... an elderly aunt Erica...

But I could come over early

and have everything ready

by the time Mrs. Crane arrives.

Well, thank you, Daphne.

Now, what do you think

Mrs. Crane would
like for dinner?

Oh, you have free rein.

Just bear in mind,
she can't have shellfish

poultry, red meat,
saturated fats

nitrates, wheat,
starch, sulfites

MSG or dairy.

Did I say nuts?

Oh, I think that's implied.

( thunder crashing)

( thunder)

Here. Come in, Daphne,
and warm yourself by the fire.

How did you get so wet?

One of your trees blew
down in your driveway.

I had to walk the
last hundred yards.

I must say, you have
a beautiful home.

Oh, well, thank you.

Actually, it was in Maris'
family for four generations.

When I was a mere intern, I
used to drive through these hills

never dreaming that, one day

I would live in one of
these great mansions.

Then, one afternoon, there
was Maris, looking so helpless

banging on the electric gates

with her little fists
and a tire iron.

They'd locked her in?

No, no. That was much later.

No. No, this time

she was returning
from the antique mart

with a rare bell jar once
owned by Sylvia Plath

when the gates failed to open.

So, naturally, I stopped
to offer my assistance

and, as our hands touched

there was a sudden
spark of electricity.

Then, as if by magic,
the gates parted before us

and we took it as a sign.

You knew you were
meant to be together.

Yes. We were married
just three short years later.

Oh, look at this.

It's beautiful.

It's a glockenspiel.

We bought it on our
honeymoon in Zurich.

I brought it down from the attic

to remind Maris of better times.

It used to play beautiful music

and now it doesn't.

How's that for irony?

Well, let's get you

into some dry clothes

so you can get started on dinner

and we can get you
home in time for your date.

( sobbing)

Daphne?

What is it?

Nothing.

No, no, it's
definitely something.

I'm a psychiatrist...
I can read the signs.

Awfully sorry.

I didn't want to
spoil your reunion

with Mrs. Crane, but...

Eric broke up with me.

He did?

Yes.

He said he couldn't
commit to me and his music.

He had to stay focused.

I know it was an excuse.

I've heard his music.

He must have another girl.

Oh... oh, oh, oh.

Well, he's a fool, Daphne

and if he can't appreciate you

then you're better
off without him.

Right now, I'm not so sure

but thank you, Dr. Crane.

( phone rings)

Niles Crane.

Oh, Maris!

Well, where... where are you?

What do you mean,
you can't come home?

Well, it's not that bad a storm.

( thunder crashes)

Oh, Maris, I really think
you should come home.

No, no, well, of course I
don't want you traveling

if it's not safe.

Yes, yes, I understand.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Well, seems like
it's just the two of us.

You mean Mrs. Crane
won't be coming?

( thunder crashes)

Oh, my. There
goes the electricity.

What do we do now?

Is really bad.

You shouldn't be
driving in it anyway.

You just spend the
night there. Right.

Good night, Daphne.

You told her to spend the night?

Yeah. What's the problem?

You know how
Niles feels about her.

Oh, relax. It's just another
one of Niles' little crushes.

I suppose you're right.
Niles is harmless enough.

He'd never try anything
with Maris in the house.

Maris never made it back.
She's stuck in Arizona.

I got to get
Daphne out of there!

It's a recipe for disaster.

You have a vulnerable
woman and an unstable man

in a gothic mansion
on a rainy night.

The only thing missing

is someone shouting
"Heathcliff!" across the moors.

Wait for me!

Oh, Dad, Dad, you're not coming.

Yes, I am.

No, you're not.

( passionate piano playing)

Oh, Dr. Crane,
you play beautifully.

Thank you.

( plays dissonant chords)

( plays two high notes)

I found this in the
upstairs guest room.

I hope it's all right.

I thought you were
going to put on

some of Maris' clothes.

You know, something bulky
from her wool collection.

I was, but she's quite
a bit smaller than me.

This was all I
could find that fit.

Should I go look
for something else?

No... yes.

No, oh, no... ( hits keys) Ooh!

No, no, the important
thing is that it's big enough

and warm enough

and silky enough and...

I have to make a phone call.

( phone rings)

Hello. This is
Dr. Frasier Crane.

I'm listening.

( machine beeps)

NILES: Frasier.

Frasier, I'm having
a little crisis here.

Actually, a large crisis.

It's no time to screen calls.

Damn!

This is stupid.

It is not.

Nothing's going to happen
between them anyway.

But what if it does?

He's my brother,
and he loves his wife.

I know their marriage is not
exactly everyone's cup of tea

but, on some
twisted, bizarre level

it seems to work for them.

If Niles did something
to hurt his marriage

well, he'd be the one to suffer.

I'm his brother, and
I won't let him suffer.

Slow down. You're going to
miss the turn onto Roosevelt.

Dad, I allowed you to come along

strictly on the agreement that
you would not give directions.

I'm not giving directions.

I'm just telling you
which way is faster.

Roosevelt will add ten minutes.

In sunshine. In
rain, it's faster.

Oh, spatial relationships
change when it rains?

No. You just get better
traction on Roosevelt.

You wouldn't have to worry

about that if you had
all-weather tires on the car

like I told you but, no, you
got to buy some German thing...

( thunder crashing)

We better make this last.

It's all that's
left of the wood.

( sobbing)

Oh, no, don't
worry. If this runs out

there's an antique sideboard

in the drawing room

that I think is a reproduction.

Oh, it's Eric, isn't it?

I don't why I'm being so silly.

We weren't together long enough
for anything to really happen.

Sometimes the
most powerful feelings

can come from the promise
of what might happen.

Just the anticipation
is enough to make

all the little hairs on
your neck stand on end.

Dr. Crane.

Yes, Daphne.

We're losing the fire.

No, we're not.

It's burning with the
heat of a thousand suns!

But it's down to
its last embers!

Well, then, I'll put
some wood on it.

You had to keep pumping
gas, and now you flooded it.

Dad, you cannot flood
a fuel-injected engine.

This is so maddening.

We're so close to the house,
I can see the gargoyles.

If we'd taken Roosevelt...

We'd be stuck on Roosevelt.

You never could admit it when
you made a mistake, could you?

That is it.

Call the auto club. I'm
going to make a dash for it.

You'll make better time

if you take the shortcut
by the side of the fountain.

Well, same to you!

DAPHNE: I suppose I
just fall in love too fast.

The minute I feel that spark

I just give my heart away.

Daphne, you must stop being

so hard on yourself.

What you see as a fault

is also your greatest gift...

To be so open, warm and loving.

You're so kind, Dr. Crane.

I'm glad we ended
up like this tonight.

So am I.

It's just so nice
to be with a man

you feel so comfortable with.

I feel very close to you.

I feel very close to
you, too, Daphne.

You know, it's easy being
someone you feel close to

when you feel close to
someone who's so... close.

( music playing)

Dr. Crane, your glockenspiel
has sprung to life.

Oh, the clock!

My God! It hasn't
run like this in years!

Maris will be delighted!

Maris.

You really love her, don't you?

You know, I do.

Love is a funny thing, isn't it?

Sometimes it's
exciting and passionate

and sometimes
it's something else...

something comfortable
and familiar...

That newly
exfoliated little face

staring up at you from
across the breakfast table;

sharing a laugh together

when you see someone
wearing white after Labor Day.

I hope someday some man
will feel that way about me.

Oh, Daphne, don't worry.

You are a very special person

and someday a man
worthy of you will come along

just as soon as
the gods create him.

That's the loveliest thing
anyone has ever said to me.

Thank you, Dr. Crane.

You're a good friend.

( pounding and screaming): Stop!

Frasier!

My God! Have you two gone mad?

You'll regret this for
the rest of your lives!

What are you talking about?

The two of you here alone

the fire, the
candlelight, the nightie!

Dr. Crane, you didn't think

that Dr. Crane and I were...

Dr. Crane!

You have some nerve to imply

that your brother would
do anything so deplorable.

Why...

just moments ago, he
made a beautiful speech

about how much he loves his wife

how he cherishes her
excruciating little face

and how they laugh
at white people.

That didn't sound right.

Close enough.

I'm sorry, Daphne.

I didn't mean to suggest that...

I wasn't trying to
imply that you...

Well, then, just exactly was it

you wanted us to stop doing?

I wanted you to stop, uh...

standing here in silence.

A night like this
calls for music!

Daphne, please,
some wine for all of us.

Niles, join me at
the piano, please.

Are you sure
everything is all right?

Absolutely.

Frasier, my glockenspiel
is working again.

Shall we?

( both playing)

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a'callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Mercy ♪

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

( laughing)

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Frasier has left the building.