Frasier (1993–2004): Season 1, Episode 18 - And the Whimper Is... - full transcript

Remember, cosmetic surgery
is only a superficial solution.'

It can lift eyelids, but not the little cloud
of pessimism hovering over you.

Thank you for your call.

OK, Roz, so who's our next caller?

Roz?

This'd be a good time
to go to commercial break.

We'll be right back
after these messages.

- Frasier?
- Hello.

Disturbing seeing no one there?

I was finding out if they've announced
the nominations for the SeaBs.

I forgot, are those out today?



You forgot?
The biggest award in Seattle radio!

I suppose it's the difference in our ages.

I don't get excited about...

well, much anymore.

Congratulations.

- Yes! Yes! We got the nomination!
- Who'd you hear it from?

I haven't. I was congratulating
you on a great show.

If anyone deserves a nomination,
you guys do.

- Get out, Noel.
- OK, catch you later.

Well, I guess I'm a little more
excited than I let on!

- It'd be a feather in my cap to win.
- Are you kidding?! In ten years,

I've never produced
a show that got nominated.

(Phone rings)

Hello... hi, Millie... you're kidding!



- That's great! Thanks, bye.
- We got the nomination?

- No, Millie's getting married.
- Damn it, Roz!

She said she'd been seeing someone
else - couldn't keep living a lie.

I was dumbfounded.

What about everything
we'd gone through?

Didn't that mean anything?

Niles, a patient has a right
to change therapists.

- Frasier, thank God!
- What're you doing here?

What kind of agent would I be

if I didn't tell you
you've been nominated?!

(Shouts) I was nominated!

Ha-ha!

Well... I was!

Yes, you... Frasier Crane,
MD, PhD, STUD,

are the man of the hour!

Bebe Glazer, Frasier's agent.

Dr Niles Crane, Frasier's brother.

- You're not a psychiatrist, too?
- Yes.

Oh, please, if I'm ever to have
a breakdown, let me have it now.

Double double decaf to go.

So, this is quite a surprise.
I forgot the nominations were out today.

Oh, isn't he precious?
You must be very proud of Frasier.

Actually...no.

It's one more signpost on the road
of celebrity my brother's chosen.

Hope that's not sibling rivalry
rearing its green snout?!

Absolutely not. I believe
psychiatry's a noble profession,

...tarnished by popularity contests
and a bouncy radio programme!

I bet you two had wicked little
hair-pulling fights when you were tots!

It's been delightful, I must run.

My sexual addiction group -
I don't like to leave them alone too long.

- Frasier!
- Roz!

We did it!

I know! Come sit down.
I've never won before.

Although back in prep school the
existentialist club

once named me most likely "to be"!

You wanna hear the great part?
I've a date for the ceremony -

Brad Macnamara!

The Channel Eight reporter?
Television's most handsome man.

He wouldn't give me time of day but
one nomination - he knew who I was!

Who are you?

Roz Doyle, Frasier's producer.

Oh, right.
I've seen you bring him coffee.

Would you mind getting mine?

Better get on the ball.
I've a lot to do!

Not really, I got your tux, rented a limo,
your tickets will be at the door.

The only thing you haven't taken
care of is finding me a date?!

Your subtlety floors me!
I'd love to!

I'm thrilled, for you both -
but I've got to run.

Two clients weren't nominated.

I have to tell them
what a worthless award this is!

Daphne, you may not be aware of this,

but there's a secret
to opening champagne.

Especially a fine French champagne
as unprepossessing as this one -

$200 a bottle.

In order to prevent spillage
one does not simply twist out the cork.

Instead, hold the cork stationary.
Give the bottle three easy turns.

One...
(Cork pops)

Get some glasses!
Quick! Oh... oh, my god.

Eddie, get out of there,
you mangy little cur!

Here... Oh, Lord.

That wasn't too bad.
I believe we've salvaged most of it.

A toast.
To my number-one son,

congratulations
on your first nomination for...

..well, anything!

- Frasier, I'm proud of you.
- Thanks, means a lot to me.

Mm... this champagne is delicious.

Exquisite. Dad, what do you think?

I was in the mood
for something domestic!

I must say, it's nice that
although I'm an employee,

you include me in family celebrations.

Never doubt that I think of you
as my equal in every way.

(Doorbell)

(Doorbell rings again)

Oh, I'll get it.

- Would you?
- Like me to announce your visitor?

(Shouts) Just open the door!

Oh, hello, Roz!
Congratulations

Thanks. I couldn't believe it myself.
Brad Macnamara!

Roz, she was referring
to your SeaB nomination.

No, I meant Brad Macnamara.

- Think he wears pants under the desk?
- Not on my TV!

Girls, can we cut out
the pyjama party, please?

- Hello, Mr C.
- Hey, Roz, how's my girlfriend?

Well, she's nominated.

A glass of champagne?

It's French and unprepossessing.

Save your breath. It could come out
of a box - Roz would have a glass of it!

I'm so proud of you, Roz,

being recognised
in a male-dominated industry.

- One more step for working women.
- You're a credit to our gender.

Thank you.

That reminds me, do you have
a push-up bra I could borrow?

- I'll look.
- Thanks.

I'm sorry to barge in
but I had to show you this, Frasier.

A friend at "Broadcast" magazine
sent me a copy. It's a full-page ad.

'Wendy Yashiro thanks the voting
committee for her nomination

'and hopes they consider her
for the award.'

This is shameless self-promotion,
very bad taste!

I know! What'll we put in our ad?

Wendy Yashiro's up against you?
I like her - she's a cutie!

You're suggesting we put an ad in?

We're falling behind, Mike Sanchez
has sent out tapes of his show.

Mike Sanchez? Oh, I like him!

Who knows
what Fletcher Grey's doing?

- Fletcher Grey...!!
- (Shouts) Thank you, Dad! Geez!

Well, all right. As long as
it's tasteful and understated.

Great. My friend'll
work something up for us.

Wait. If we want to stand out,
why run another boring ad?

We should do something different.

Last year's winner threw a party.

OK, but we should do something else
to keep our names in their minds.

I know, personalized gifts from...
the new Tiffany's catalogue!

- Ooh, that's good!
- I saw incredible cigarette cases.

No - sends out a bad message.
A silver flask?

We've already got your vote, Roz.

I mightn't know about show business,

but gifts for people who could do
something for you, that's bribery!

It's a thank you for a nomination!

If I had to give a gift to get
an award it's not worth having.

You might as well just go down
to the trophy store and buy one.

- I really want that award.
- Me, too.

Get that catalogue!

Well, are you coming in or not?

This is a big moment.
I want to drink it in.

Me, too. Where's the bar?

Not so fast.
Me shoes are killing me!

I should never have let
that salesgirl talk me into them.

- They look good on you.
- You think so?

Dr Crane. Bob Peterson,
voting committee.

- I wanted to wish you luck.
- Thank you.

- Oh, and thanks for the bathrobe.
- Oh... nothing!

People get out of the shower,
they're cold!

Hey, Dr Crane, love the watch!

Thanks, it was nothing.
Pretty good likeness of me, isn't it?!

Can we please sit down?
I have got to sit down.

Daphne, we're table eight.
This isn't our table!

It is now!

- Isn't that Fletcher Grey?
- I believe it is.

You got your work cut out for you.

A class act!
I've listened to him for 20 years.

I don't usually do this,
but I'm going to shake his hand.

Hey, guys.

Oh, Roz. My fellow nominee.

Everybody's talking about those gifts.

Did you see valet parking?
Half the key chains are ours!

This is a big night for me.

Please don't spoil it
by making fun of who I brought.

I thought you were bringing
Brad Macnamara.

He got called out on a story.
Some hospital went up in flames.

Do you know anyone
who has worse luck than I do?

Hi, Dr Crane.

- Oh, hi, Noel
- Noel Shempsky's your date?

Uh, tip, Dr Crane?
If you're nominated again,

there's parking three blocks
away - they don't check after 6.00!

Oh, um... here are the car keys
so you can drive us home.

I have night blindness.

I wish I did.

- Hi. I'm Noel.
- Nice to meet you.

Can you rub me feet?
- Oh, Daphne!

- Good evening, everybody.
- Niles! Thanks for coming!

I know how you feel about this award
and coming downtown after dark.

Don't be silly, you're my brother.

- Hello, Daphne.
- Can you rub me feet?

- Yes.
- Niles!

- Where's Maris?
- We were leaving

when Maris
glimpsed herself in the mirror...

At the end of this, will I roll my eyes?

- I did.
- Well, then, skip it!

Listen, get me a Scotch, would you?

That Fletcher Grey, he's aces!
He remembered me from 1968!

I worked on a murder case
he covered.

He looked at me and said, "Hey,
you're the guy who found the head!"

He's been nominated 11 times
and never won.

Really? Geez, I didn't know that.

I'm afraid he'll have to lose again.

If he does, you can cheer him up -
send something from your gift shop!

- Dr Crane?
- Fletcher Grey!

Been meaning to wish you luck
even though you don't need it.

That's kind, but I hardly think
I have a chance against you!

I hope you're right. I'd love to win.

11 losses - it's a little embarrassing!

Oh, you'd have to lose 15, 16 times
before you could feel ashamed.

Would you believe,
I considered campaigning this year?

Sending out gifts, throwing a party.

I bet you'd have something to say
about someone that self-absorbed!

He could do a whole hour on it!

Dear, they're starting
to serve the salads.

Oh, Mom! I'm 60 years old
and I'm still her little boy.

- Dr Crane. My mother, Hannah.
- Nice to meet you.

Mom just flew in from Scottsdale.
This is her 11th year.

I hope he wins it this time.

It's getting harder and harder
to get on that plane.

Why don't you go back to the table
before your legs swell up?

I'll get you another Pink Lady.
No, no, no, Mom, over there.

Sorry - been detained!

Civilization won't advance one iota

till they put more toilets
in the ladies' room!

- Thank you, Niles.
- Oh, champagne!

Uh, a diet root beer?

I have to tell you the buzz in line

was that those gifts
you've been sending paid off.

It looks like you're in a neck-and-neck
race with Fletcher Grey,

that wrinkled warhorse...

Hello, Mr Crane.

You're more handsome than before!

If I were 20 years older,
they couldn't keep me away!

That's why I keep this cane!

Good evening,
would everybody take their seats?

I'm Keith Bishop, welcome
to the 15th annual SeaB awards.

Assisting me tonight in handing out
the awards is Miss SeaB 1994,

Tawny Van Deusen.

I'm starting to feel uncomfortable
about the campaigning.

Fletcher's been nominated 11 times!
He didn't lift a finger to win this.

Don't worry about him,
he can win it next year.

Before we start this evening,
I'd like to make a sad announcement.

I just found out
that the Dean of Seattle radio,

my mentor, Fletcher Grey,
will be retiring this year.

(Audience) Ahhhh!

Take a bow, Fletcher.

We're gonna start with a bang!

The award for achievement
in informational programming.

That's us!

Can't see a thing without my glasses!
(Audience laugh)

Fletcher deserves this award.
If we win - can't we just not accept it?

I've waited ten years to get this.

If I have to crawl over Fletcher's
mother to get it, I'll do it!

Roz, I've never seen you like this!

- It isn't pretty
-The nominations...

"Community Forum" - Wendy Yashiro:
talent, Mike Freedman: producer.

"Consumer Update" - Mike Sanchez:
talent, T J Chester-Nuevo: producer.

"The Frasier Crane Show" - Dr Frasier
Crane: talent, Roz Doyle: producer.

Bravo!

"Fletcher Grey: From Where I Sit" -

Fletcher Grey: talent and producer.

(Audience) Bravo! Bravo!

If we win this thing,
they're gonna lynch us!

At least everyone will see my dress!

Well, this is a first.
It seems we have a tie.

- Good, we can share it with Fletcher!
- I'm already sharing it with you!

And the winners are
Wendy Yashiro and Mike Sanchez!

- What?
- What?

(Applause)

The party's over.
Are you coming home?

- No, Dad.
- We'll just go without you.

Fine.

I don't agree with the way you went
about it but I'm sorry you lost.

It's never easy to lose.

Thanks, Dad.

Of course, if you'd joined sport
at an early age...

- Dad
- All right, sorry, wrong time!

We'll talk about it over breakfast.

OK, Daphne, let's get you home
and soak your feet in Epsom salts.

Oh, I have the life of a princess!

Don't feel bad, Roz.
It's an honour just to get a nomination.

Will you stop saying that?

OK, I'm leaving.

Oh, no, no, I'm sorry,
I'm just despondent.

No, no, go ahead.

Roz!

Noel, Noel, I'm sorry. Thank you.
I'll see you at work on Monday?

- How are you?
- Oh, I've been better.

Thank you.

When you feel the sting of losing

you have to realise the fact
that it's not about awards,

it's not about accolades,
it's about a body of work.

If you can look in the mirror
and say you've done a good job,

that's what matters.

If you can do that,
let the awards fall where they may.

Wow! All those nominations,
nothing to show for it.

He still walks out, head high,
and a smile on his face.

I'm never gonna get nominated again.

- Oh, come on, Roz.
- I'm not.

The world's full of winners
and losers - I'm a loser.

- I wouldn't be with you if you were.
- Come on, we're a team.

Before we're done we're going
to win lots of these things.

You and I are amigos, compadres.

OK? Now,
I'm not going to leave your side

till I see a little smile on that face.

Dr Crane?

I love your show and I was wondering -
would you like to have a drink?

(Sobbing)

Do I see the beginning
of a little smile?

- Oh, go ahead.
- Thanks, Roz.

So, that's a very interesting
name you have.

- You mean "Miss SeaB"?
- Well, actually, l, uh... yeah.

# Baby, I hear the blues a-calling
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs

# Quite stylish

# And maybe I seem a bit confused
Well, maybe...but I got you pegged

# But I don't know what to do with those
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs

# They're calling again #

Goodnight, Seattle, we love you!