Franklin & Bash (2011–2014): Season 4, Episode 8 - Falcon's Nest - full transcript
So you said you needed to talk to us.
Yeah, in a minute.
Retirement living suits you Danny.
Even though I'm not retired.
Danny, how long have you been living here?
Moved in with my
grandmother four years ago.
Unfortunately, it had to come to an end.
What'll be? Manhattan,
gimlet, old-fashioned?
- Oh, beers, it's fine.
- Uh, just beer.
Sorry, no beers, give them gas.
All right, anything with a lot of alcohol.
I never forget a face...
Peter Bash and Jared Franklin.
Nanette.
You went out with Pindar a few years back.
- Right.
- I wouldn't say "went out."
We were both shut-ins, and
we never left our bedroom.
What an accomplished lover.
- Well, that's... disturbing, Nanette.
- Oh, wow, I hope this is a lot of alcohol.
This is great.
Vinyl records, Naugahyde
couches, men in fedoras.
It's like silver lake in
Brooklyn without the irony.
I'm not following.
Falcon's on the roof again!
- Oh, God!
- Great.
Your grandma's boyfriend?
Yeah, I've been crashing
with him since she died.
I am a golden girls God!
He likes to make a big entrance.
Hey, Danny boy! Cannonball!
Okay, let's see it! Whoa!
He's aware there's no pool, right?
I'm not sure.
Are you aware there's no pool?
Fine... bring the party up here then.
Come down, you old toad!
Hey, you Grandma Dottie told us
to live every day like it's our last!
Mwah!
This will be your last if you fall.
Well, just take me to
Sacred Heart if I survive.
They have the hottest nurses.
I love this guy.
Come on, it's my going-away party,
and I don't want to spend it at the morgue.
Peter and Jared are
here. You remember them?
- Hey, Falcon.
- What kind of host are you?
Come on, Falcon, I can't fly on one wing!
Oh, I'll be right there.
You would've killed yourself.
What, do you think I'm crazy?
No, I would've hit the trampoline
and landed in the jacuzzi.
- Trampoline was 40 yards away.
- Uh-huh.
It's the same guy who lit his
chest hair on fire last year...
second-degree burns.
It's called prairie fire.
Epic, from the "Jackass" movie.
Aye.
Oh, excuse me, gentlemen.
I'm liking the ratio over there.
Talk amongst yourselves.
I wouldn't mind his game when I'm 70.
I wouldn't mind Falcon's game now.
What'd you mean when you said
you were having a going-away party?
I'm getting evicted.
Costs of Del Palms is age-restricted.
I have an exemption when
I lived with my grandma,
but now I'm out of luck.
Hmm, you really like living here?
I can hit from the gold tees,
and all the ladies
think of me as a boy toy.
These are my friends,
my fountain of wisdom.
You know, we laugh at the
old, we forget about the old,
but we all want to live
long enough to grow old.
I'm just trying to get
there a little quicker.
You are a weird dude.
Yeah. But an old soul in a weird dude.
If you really want to live here...
We'll make it happen.
Really? Pro bono again?
- No way.
- Hell no.
Fair enough. Hey, everybody,
meet my new lawyers!
I ain't going anywhere!
What?
Let's go.
She doesn't want to...
You're gonna have to
talk to her eventually.
- She doesn't want to talk to me.
- Let's go.
Hey, could you hold the elevator, Swatello?
Oh, thank you.
Bastard. Come on.
Oh, you're dead.
Hi.
Going to 11?
Okay, look, I know you
know about Peter's mom.
The sex surrogate? What about her?
Well, you know that I had sex with her...
of the carnal variety.
She charge you?
Okay, you're upset, and I get that.
You're the one who broke up with me.
You know what? You can sleep
with whoever you want to.
It's not like I'm at
home pining away for you,
collecting your hair to turn
into some teeny, tiny voodoo doll.
Right.
Not like that at all.
Hell, sleep with my mom.
As long as you're into shih tzus
and terminal passive aggression,
you guys would be great.
You know, one could argue
that this is your fault.
My fault?
What I mean is, you broke up with me,
and I rebounded, granted
in an unorthodox way, but...
I'm just saying, when you want
to apologize, I will accept.
Okay, look, neither side
has to apologize, really.
I mean, we understand that
each other is sorry, right?
I mean, I'm sorry and you're sorry, right?
Right.
Prospective new client,
biology professor Erica Boyd.
She's a front-runner for the
esteemed Curie Science Award,
which, of course, as you know
all, is the Oscar for geeks.
Her study on how viruses evade the
human immune system is mind-blowing.
Professor Boyd was set to
present her research in Sweden,
until Gowest Airlines canceled her flight,
so she's after the grant
money that she would've won.
Amounts to $1.2 million.
Pass. What else you got?
We'd love to, but we're busy working
a landmark age-discrimination suit.
Next stop... the U.S. Supreme Court.
I cannot wait to watch
you two argue that one.
Thank you.
Y... you won't miss me
because I'll be the guy
with the pink dragons flying out of my ass.
Someone needs a colonoscopy.
Oh, I... I'll take the case.
I've waited a long time to
get back at Gowest Airlines.
Ah, well, delighted to have you aboard.
Well, I... wait a second.
I'd like to take this.
Well, good. You can assist.
Mm.
As second... chair?
No... no thank you.
Actually, you know what?
I'll listen to what Dr. Boyd has to say
as first chair, obviously.
I... would be fine with that.
Excellent!
Well enjoy yourselves.
I'm going to see a man about a dog.
These pink dragons you're talking about,
they fly out of your butt?
Only when you do things that
are completely impossible.
I just don't get why they'd be dragons.
Oh, we should, um, probably break away
for a strategy session.
Whoa, easy with the breakaway there, Slick.
You've got a sidekick. Why can't I?
Excuse me... sidekick?
Hey, it's working for Yogi and Boo Boo.
Whoa. Peter is much more than a sidekick.
Dude, he is obviously talking about you.
Well, he was looking at you.
Was I?
Bye.
What says Swatello? Swatello...
Who would be a sidekick?
Well, you're both dumb as tree bark,
so, technically, you're both sidekicks.
Excuse me.
Look, on the masthead,
Franklin comes before Bash.
But it's common knowledge
that the last name of a
masthead is most important.
Everyone remembers Bailey, not Barnum.
That makes no sense.
Nobody remembers Bailey.
It's right there in
the bylaws, Mrs. Harris.
All lawns must be bent grass.
If I allow you to plant bermuda,
then everyone will be
asking for exceptions.
Appeal denied.
Mr. DuBois, I'll repeat it for
you and your frat brothers...
No residents under 55.
Well, we have reason to believe
that Danny is well over 55.
These are the results of
a, uh, mental-age quiz,
accounting for factors such
as bedtime, music tastes,
food preferences, and Danny has
the mentality of a 60-year-old.
Peter and I got 13.
- Combined.
- Combined.
Play semantics all you want,
but the fair housing act
clearly states age restrictions are legal.
Yeah, it's legal so that people can gather
around a shared lifestyle.
And nobody fits in here more than Danny.
We can't just bend the rules every...
We're not asking you to bend the rules.
Well, listen, "Casa Del Palms...
Where age is just a number."
By your own rules,
you don't use the literal
interpretation of age.
I said, by your own rules, you don't...
You don't have to yell! We heard you!
My bad.
Fine, we'll put it to a vote.
All those in favor of allowing
the first-ever exception
to our age restrictions...
Say "aye."
Aye.
Those opposed?
Nay. Nay.
Nay.
The nays have it.
Mr. DuBois, your eviction stands.
You have until midnight tonight.
Uh, sir?
Erica Boyd and the Gowest Airlines case?
Yes, what about it?
Well, why wasn't I considered?
I think Anita just wanted
it a little bit more.
You are the reason I
came to work here, sir.
But I don't seem to be impressing you.
You do excellent work!
It's just that you're a former prosecutor
and Anita and Damien
have more experience with contract law.
Besides...
I have plans for you.
Such as?
I want you to run the YLC.
YLC?
Young Leadership Committee.
I want you to till the fertile imaginations
of the firm's young
minds a... and find a way
that we can better execute
our jobs as partners.
There is no young leadership committee.
You just made that up.
Fine.
If you don't want this
coveted chairmanship,
I suppose I can always get Anita to do it.
No, uh, fine, sir. I... I'll take it.
Is there... is there some
kind of mission statement
or a manifesto?
No, but that's the beauty of it.
You can make it up as you go along.
Ah. Yes.
Thank you.
Hmm.
- What about the Shumann trial?
- Right.
- I crushed the closing.
- What?
I wrote every brief,
filed every motion on that.
Provided support, like a
supporting player, like Robin.
- Oh. Don't call me "Robin."
- Robin.
Hey, if you two are looking for
a sidekick, I'll take the job.
Without a number two,
there's no number one.
What are you doing here?
Jared told me to come, so here I am.
No, I didn't.
No, you did not, but here
I am, so put me to work.
Hey, Danny boy, one last saltine
challenge for old times' sake?
Those days are done, Falc...
Ah, what would Grandma Dottie say
if she heard you wimp out like that?
- Sack up, Danny.
- Yeah!
Dot was a nurturer.
Oh, yeah. No, no, no, not yet!
Not gonna be as much fun when Danny's gone.
Your vote against his appeal didn't help.
Ready?
Weston has leverage.
He rules by intimidation.
That's why I had to vote against Danny.
He knew about your
arrest for being a, um...
Prostitute.
Yeah, you can say it, just... not too loud.
Oh, I understand. My mom is
peripherally in the industry.
When the people here found
out, I was ostracized.
Took me years to rebuild
my reputation, but now...
The only people who know what happened then
are either dead or demented.
- Everyone except Weston.
- Yeah.
Maybe we give Weston a
taste of his own medicine.
You look silly!
Okay, Dan, we need you to go back home
and stay there till we activate you.
- You got it.
- Very dry.
Sorry.
He is cute.
What a shame.
Danny is the son Falcon never had.
Oh.
Danny could live here if he had a relative.
Uh, Danny, stop packing.
If we can't prove you
would've won the award
the lawsuit will be
kicked on summary judgment.
I was a lock.
I have a sworn affidavit
from a board member
saying I had all the votes lined up.
Yet you didn't win.
Because I couldn't present my research.
The board had no choice
but to disqualify me
and award the grant
money to the runner-up.
Why didn't you reserve another flight
if you had so much riding on it?
I tried that. Every
other flight was booked.
Did Gowest give grounds
for the cancellation?
Act of God.
Just what a scientist likes to hear.
Acts of God are reserved
for meteorological events...
Earthquakes, storms.
And the climatological average
indicated no such thing.
Y... you mean the weather report?
Yes, yes.
Not even a light shower
from here to Sweden.
Every other airline took off.
Unfortunately, clauses like act of God
give them a lot of leeway to
cover unforeseeable events.
More unfortunate, 65% of labs
are funded by grant money.
My research will be lost.
It's what I've worked my entire life for.
Don't worry.
We will make sure that
you get your funding back.
Thank you! Thank you so much!
You're doing science a great service.
Thank you!
Glad to help.
What?
Let's get moving. I
have a full docket today.
Name and age of adoptive parent?
Jacob Morris Reilly, 76.
Name and age of adoptive child?
Daniel James DuBois, 36.
Of course... my two favorite counselors,
Sherman and Mr. Peabody.
Your Honor, adult adoption
is increasingly common.
Also, if you had to say, which one of us
would be Sherman and which
one would be Mr. Peabody?
Your Honor, Caroline Chilton,
Department of Child Services.
Are we seriously
entertaining adoption here?
These are grown men.
Danny... Mr. DuBois...
His biological parents
died when he was a child,
and Mr. Reilly is the closest
thing he's ever had to a father.
And Mr. Reilly never
had children of his own,
so Danny is like a son.
Oh, that is very touching,
but adoption is reserved for those in need
of an emotional and
physical support system.
Does Mr. DuBois have any
debilitating conditions
we're not aware of?
Yes, Your Honor... chronic
emotional immaturity.
He's in good company.
We grew up with Danny.
He's always shown terrible judgment.
Terrible.
This is the kind of guy
who stays up all night
drinking and playing video games.
He once stayed up for four days straight,
missed his philosophy final
'cause he was trying to
finish "The Legend of Zelda."
Ah, guilty! It was worth it.
Danny needs the guidance
of a responsibility, mature father figure
so that he can finally grow
up a man like Mr. Reilly.
It's lean meat, gentlemen, but
enough to schedule a hearing.
We'll reconvene tomorrow morning.
See you tomorrow morning? Yeah!
Gowest Airlines can't get away with this.
Mm... legally speaking, they can.
A mechanical failure is not an act of God.
That's just legal mumbo jumbo.
Look, Erica Boyd got screwed,
but Gowest revised their
contract of carriage
to define mechanical
failures as acts of God.
Yes, four months ago,
and our client purchased
her ticket six months ago.
But the time of purchase is irrelevant.
She agreed to the new policy
the moment she checked
in at the airport kiosk.
This is Gowest's M.O.
They stranded me at Narita
Airport for three days, and why?
Act of God.
I missed a major life event.
Really? What was that?
It was... a wedding.
Look, if... if we don't fight this,
Gowest airline is going to continue
to mistreat their passengers.
Stanton, we need your spiritual leadership.
You know, it's true the
Kiai tribe of Vanuatu Island
believe me to be a divine being.
I mean, I wouldn't be living
up to their expectations
if I didn't make a ruling on this.
Right.
Here it is.
Gowest chose the word "Act
of God" in a binding contract.
Mm-hmm.
So...
Go hold them to it.
Yes!
Are you here to adopt us?
'Cause I got to tell you,
one cold and disapproving
father... that's enough for me.
I'm here to testify against this farce.
If you're gonna skirt the rules,
I'm gonna expose your selfish motives.
I got your nose!
I'm gonna keep it.
- Danny!
- Hey.
Where's Falcon?
I don't know. He's not
picking up his phone.
We can't win an adoption
case with half our family.
Okay, docket FA-141.
Whoa, we're just gonna jump
right into it, Your Honor?
How about we, uh, take a minute?
I think we should do some,
uh, breathing exercises,
maybe some stretches.
Maybe some... start with
some calisthenics, you know?
Yes, sir, breathe in.
Deep, cleansing breath!
Back of the wall, turn your elbow!
And let's breathe through our mouths.
Feel that in your stomach.
Feel it! It just feels better!
Doesn't it? Breathe with your stomach.
How was your weekend, your honor?
Your Honor, they're stalling.
What?
And they seem to be
missing a father figure.
If they're trying to prove Mr. Reilly
a mature, responsible guardian,
this isn't a great start.
Nor is speaking from the gallery.
Sit down.
Any idea why our adoptive
father is a no-show?
He... he's not a no-show.
He's literally the opposite
of that, your honor.
He is a showman.
- Oh, D... Danny.
- He's just...
Waiting to make a big entrance, I think.
Dude, we're working here.
Falcon was arrested on
a drunk and disorderly.
Oh. That's not good.
Counselors, produce your client.
You have until noon, or I'm
dismissing your petition.
Noon?
Noon works. Noon's good.
We need to grab Falcon now.
Well, Falcon, you can
understand how getting arrested
in the middle of an adoption hearing
probably wasn't the best timing.
Sorry... flight attendants
buying me drinks.
Oh, in uniform, Danny.
This was important to me, Jake.
You were just thinking about yourself.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You know, without you there, I...
I didn't know when to tap out.
You can't take him to court
like this. He's half drunk.
That's the problem... only half.
Is there a bar around here?
Really?
We're just gonna throw
in the towel that quickly?
You forget who you're talking to?
Someone get Falcon.
Is this it?
Uh, McKnight had a
depo, and Delfina's sick.
Okay.
Well...
Welcome to the inaugural
young leadership committee.
Oh, I thought this was the
equity derivatives meeting.
Sorry, my bad.
How old are you?
Why?
Well, it's just... nothing.
You think I'm too old to chair this?
- What? No.
- Get out.
So, you were a prosecutor?
Yep.
Oh, in the second-largest
city in the country.
That's... I'm impressed.
Thank you.
And I am impressed that
you have lasted two months
in the monkey house
that is Infeld-Daniels...
Whatever the hell.
Hey, let's roll. I want
to go to court early.
Oh, okay.
I have to go, but, uh, I will be back.
I've got some great ideas.
Great. Can't wait.
Okay. Sorry.
Your honor, Gowest is
the only major airline
that lists mechanical
failures as acts of God.
As outlined in the legal agreement
Ms. Boyd signed at Gowest's kiosk,
"Act of God" is defined as an unforeseeable
and unpredictable event,
which includes mechanical failures.
Mechanical failures are the
airline's responsibility,
not the almighty's.
While Ms. Haskins main concern
seems to be the contract's wording,
mine are the lives of the 300 passengers.
Your honor, there is no safety issue here.
Gowest is clearly using this as a pretense
to cover their own negligence.
I have to agree.
Motion to dismiss is denied.
Ms. Boyd better look to
heaven for compensation
'cause she's getting squat from Gowest.
That's Professor Boyd.
Not bad.
Not bad to you...
You know, for a sidekick.
- Hey!
- Hey!
How's the journey to the Supreme Court?
Uh, we hit a bump in the road.
Mm, tasted that one.
Ugh. Come on, let's go in before we all do.
- What?
- You're okay?
Of course. Why?
You know, working with Saruman.
If you ever get the desire
to self-mutilate, don't.
It'll pass.
Karp is a cool guy.
Cool as in cold-blooded.
No, cool as in fun and super smart.
Pretending to be cool
is all part of his plan
to turn new lawyers into "Karporate" tools.
Ah, Karporate... I get it.
Well, at least he actually
lets me argue in court.
We should've never let
her out of our sights.
I'm telling you, they grow up too fast.
Let's get started, Ms. Chilton.
In an adoption hearing,
it is my job to look out
for the best interests of...
The child.
Mr. Reilly, do you feel
well-equipped to act as a caretaker?
I'm extremely well-equipped.
This is surveillance footage
from Mr. Reilly's arrest.
All right, all right,
let's see if you can guess what I am now!
Huh?!
A zit!
Vintage belushi.
Loves his "animal house."
That's a classic.
Your Honor, parenting is about
self-sacrifice, protection,
being a great role model.
This man is obviously
not fit to be a father.
The state advises against this adoption.
Mr. Bash, Mr. Franklin, you're up.
Mm.
- Falcon?
- Yeah?
- Would you come with me, please?
- Yes, sir.
Could you please
demonstrate for the court...
- Mm-hmm.
- Your prairie fire trick?
What's he doing?
Huh, what'd you say?
Prairie fire.
Oh. Let's see it.
What? Stop, not... not here.
No, let's see where this is going.
Mr. DuBois, Mr. Weston, quiet,
or I'll have you both removed.
What? You want me to burn
off my chest hair again?
- Really? In court?!
- Yeah! Yeah!
What better place than here?
What better time than now?
Guys, please!
Gentlemen, what's going on here?
Come on, Falcon, live each
day like it's your last!
All... come on. Come on.
Right, buddy, let's do it!
Yeah!
Yeah, Grandma Dottie would be proud!
Yes, she would!
I don't know what Grandma Dottie would say,
but this judge says if
he strikes that match,
I'm throwing all of you in jail.
Your honor, if Mr. Reilly wants
to prove that he's an imbecile
and unfit to be a parent, well,
then he can make my job easy.
- Peter, abort, Peter!
- What?
- Danny's gone.
- What?!
He split.
Oh, no, no, Falcon, uh, never
mind. Forget it, forget it.
Wait, wait. Just stop... bad Falcon!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Bailiffs! Bailiffs!
Bailiffs! Falcon!
You know what grandma really wanted?
Huh?
You to have more days.
And that's what I want, too.
I'm sorry, Danny.
Instead of being sorry,
why don't you stop acting
like a child and grow up?!
I think we can all see that Mr. Reilly
is clearly not fit to be a father.
He's barely fit to be a
functioning member of society.
We agree, and thank you, Ms. Chilton,
for returning the favor
and making our job easier.
Your Honor, we would like
to submit an amended filing
for a reverse adult adoption.
- What?
- Come again?
We're asking for Danny to
legally adopt Mr. Reilly.
Ms. Chilton said it herself.
Parenting is all about
sacrifice and protection.
And I think we can all
agree that Mr. Reilly
needs parental guidance,
and Danny's action,
dare I say heroism, prove
that he is qualified.
I don't even get birthday
cards from my kids.
Mm.
You're a very lucky man, sir.
If Mr. DuBois would agree to an
expedited guardian evaluation,
I'll allow him to adopt Mr. Falcon.
- Reilly.
- Whatever.
It's a ridiculous nickname.
Mr. DuBois, Mr. Reilly, congratulations.
You're father and son now.
Get out of my courtroom so
it can be cleaned, please.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Ha!
Go easy there.
Get a room.
Oh, yeah! Oh!
Way to go, Falcon.
Hey! No, no, no, no.
Come on, come on, come on, knock it off.
Oh, you guys did a great job!
Bailiffs!
Ah, get away! Hey!
Bailiffs, bailiffs!
What did he want?
Um...
He offered a settlement...
10 grand and 50,000 airline miles.
Did you tell him where
Gowest can shove their money?
I did... into Boyd's wallet.
I'm sorry. I already talked
to her, and she agreed.
'Cause you told her to?
This is from the discovery documents.
No jury is gonna rule against a company
that errs on the side of caution.
The airplane legitimately
had mechanical problems.
"Flight cancelled due to a
leak in the drainage channels."
She needs funding for research.
10 grand isn't gonna cover petri dishes.
You just don't want to
fight for Professor Boyd?
I don't even think this is about her.
I think it's about you and your desire
to get revenge for missing a wedding.
It wasn't just any wedding, okay?
No, I'm sorry.
You know, maybe we should
talk to Peter and Jared,
see if they have any ideas.
You know, maybe we should
talk to Penn and Teller
because they know more about the law
and they're infinitely more entertaining.
Say what you want about Peter and Jared,
but they go to the mat for their clients.
Are you here for the YLC meeting?
Yes. Sorry I'm late.
I hit a possum last night.
Couldn't sleep.
Good to know.
Thing was just thrashing
around in a box under my bed.
I think it's gonna live.
Thank God for that.
Anyhoo, I've canceled the
YLC until further notice.
Oh, that's too bad.
I have a lot of ideas.
Mostly fact-finding data
on how other firms go about their day.
Ah.
Please tell me that's your data
in there and not the possum.
Of course.
You know, you strike me as the
kind of guy who has a burn bag.
I got four of them.
Great. Burn everything in that box.
Will do. When we're done.
We're done.
I'm sorry about you and Jared.
If it makes you feel any
better, he's devastated.
Can't eat or sleep.
Only drink.
Really?
W... well, not literally.
Did you lose something?
My necklace.
It looks like a dopamine molecule.
My father gave it to me.
He's the one who encouraged
me to be a scientist.
Oh. I think this is yours.
Ohh. Thanks.
I... I really want to thank
you guys for all your efforts.
I... you did the best you could.
In the matter of Boyd vs Gowest airlines,
have both parties agreed to a settlement?
- Yes, Your Honor.
- No, Your Honor.
We're having difficulty
finding our expert witness.
- We'd like some more time.
- Who?
The world's foremost
authority on acts of God. God.
Objection! Blasphemy!
Everybody into my chambers.
Are you going Franklin and Bash on him?
Okay, first of all, that is
not a term, and I am going Karp.
Ah.
There's only one person who can adjudicate
whether a mechanical
failure is an act of God,
and that's God himself.
Oh, please. This is clearly a stall tactic.
We've tried to get in touch
with the man or woman upstairs...
E-mail, Facebook, Twitter.
Yeah, perhaps the reps at Gowest
know how to contact him
since they seem to have him on retainer.
Obviously, God had nothing to do with it.
"Act of God" is a term of art.
No, no, no, no.
Words are the foundation
of our legal system.
Gowest chose the words "Act of God,"
not "act of chance."
So it's reasonable to ask who
suggested the policy change.
The head of the risk department
makes those decisions.
And that person's name would be who?
- Ted!
- Mm.
Ted Davis.
Ted Davis, not God.
Excellent.
Your Honor, we would request
a recess to locate Mr. Davis.
I think he's a more gettable witness.
We'll reconvene tomorrow.
Uh-oh, Jesus, it's the cops.
Mr. President! Hey!
Care to join us for a
game of "battle shots"?
It's battleship but with shots.
Patent pending.
Hand me that Tequila, would you?
Thanks, Kato.
No thank you.
I'm just serving these
gentlemen their eviction notice,
and I'll be on my way.
Afraid you're a little bit behind.
We've won the adoption case.
Yeah, surprised you didn't get the e-vite
for a "welcome home" party.
This is the toxicology report
from Mr. Reilly's arrest.
It showed amphetamines in his system.
No, I haven't done hard
drugs since, um... Altamont.
You're not helping, Falcon.
Section 4.6-B of our bylaws
clearly outlines a zero-tolerance policy
for positive drug tests.
These guys have five minutes to pack.
He's clearly missing the point
of a "welcome home" party.
Oh.
Please tell me that's
the follow-up blood work.
There you go.
So, if Falcon didn't take drugs,
how did they end up in his system?
Uh, that's what we're hoping to find out.
You want to know what I think?
No.
But I can't speak for Garfunkel over here.
Maybe someone, you know...
What is that... brackets?
Frames. Maybe someone framed him.
We're alone. You can say "framed."
Framed!
We're never alone,
Jared. Never forget that.
So, who framed him? Weston?
No, he might be a dickhead,
but I don't think he's
a criminal mastermind.
Maybe Falcon blacked out.
You rage that hard, bad things happen.
I submit my entire second year
of law school into evidence.
Remember when you had that
job delivering take-out?
You got fired after three days.
Dan, call Ralph Begleiter.
From labtech drug screening.
I pulled your contacts from the cloud.
All right, never mind.
We'll just call him from the car.
Falcon wasn't taking illegal drugs.
His prescription medication
showed up as a false positive.
I once got fired from a summer job
because my cold medicine
triggered a false positive.
You want us to believe
that a man who guzzles
flaming gorilla tits at dinner parties
got an accidental false result?
We thought you'd say that,
which is why we did a voluntary
drug test of your residents.
We did 20 tests,
and all 20 came back positive
for illegal narcotics.
Who here takes arthritis medication?
I do.
That creates a positive for cannabis.
Cholesterol drugs?
Barbiturates.
And Falcon's heartburn pills
come back with a false positive for...
You got it... amphetamines!
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
See, we were gonna do
a whole powerpoint deck,
but then it turned out neither
one of us knew what that was.
No, thank you for outing
the other offenders.
The bylaws say any
resident testing positive
for illegal narcotics is to be evicted.
Wait, wait, wait. The writ... Falcon...
No one took an illegal narcotic.
But he did test positive, and
that's grounds for eviction
for him and his 20 friends.
You're not gonna kick out 20 residents!
I wouldn't be the one kicking them out.
You would.
Don't look at me. I'm just a sidekick.
I'm just a sidekick.
- Mr. Davis...
- Ted.
Ted.
Can you explain how you
arrived at your recommendation
to start including mechanical
failures as acts of God?
Well, it's a complicated algorithm.
Well...
W... we'll try to follow along, all right?
Why don't you, uh, enlighten us?
I calculate the risk index of events
and put procedures in place
to minimize, uh, negative outcomes.
Even if those procedures
inconvenience some passengers?
If it assures an airplane's safety.
How did a clogged toilet
jeopardize the safety of
Professor Boyd's airplane?
I... I... I believe your report called it
"a leak in the drainage channels
during routine maintenance."
A clogged toilet is a mechanical failure.
Only in the revised terms of service...
The terms that you just happened to revise
before 20 flights got canceled.
It was a precaution.
You don't need a precaution.
You got your fancy equation
that can predict failures.
Uh, well, it's in the same way
a-a weatherman can predict
a hurricane, but the hur...
Eh, it's not quite the same thing.
Uh, a hurricane can't be
fixed with a wrench, can it?
When you put it that way...
So, now, would it be fair to say
that the cancellation of
Professor Boyd's flight
was not an act of God.
It was... an act of Ted.
No further questions, Your Honor.
The intent of that rule
is to keep out drug users.
I can't tell you the intent,
only that all these people violated it.
Well, then we look forward
to handling their class action suit.
Guys...
Time to wrap this up.
Well, you're making this worse.
We move to amend the rule.
What makes you think
that I'd allow you to...
We don't need your approval.
The bylaws state that a rule can be changed
if we get four out of the five board votes.
Fine, make your argument.
You have one minute.
Good luck.
Yes, Falcon uses the
jacuzzi after 9:00 P.M.,
wearing only a thong.
He shouldn't do it. It's awful to look at.
Yes, he drives his golf
cart through the buffet line
during Taco Tuesdays,
but why does he do it?
Because Falcon came to
Casa Del Palms to live!
Just like Danny DuBois came here to live!
Right, so what are you so afraid of?
Are you afraid of Falcon and Danny?
No, they're not the real enemy.
Stu Weston is the real enemy!
Is that how you want to
spend your golden years...
Living in fear?
Are you done?
The jacuzzi thing, ended with fear... yeah.
Good.
We'll put it to the vote.
Yes.
But I have to say something.
I have an arrest record for prostitution.
I quit 30...
15...
Five years ago.
But you no longer have
this to hold over me, Stu.
I vote to change the bylaws
and let Falcon and Danny back in.
Fine, but you're still three short.
I cheated in the dominoes tournament.
And I vote with Falcon and Danny.
- Yes!
- Thataboy.
I wasted my grandkids' inheritance...
on Candy Crush!
Wow! Good game, though.
I steal forks from the cafeteria,
and Stu Weston used a foot wedge on 14
to win the spring scramble.
I had money on that.
That's four votes, Stu.
Want to make it unanimous?
Mr. DuBois and Mr. Reilly
can remain as residents,
along with the other drug offenders.
- In your face!
- You're all anarchists!
Anarchists!
Mmm.
Mmm!
Well, good.
Oh, how's my favorite lawyer
and his faithful squire?
Not gonna work anymore.
No, we're equal partners
like Starsky and Hutch.
Like Ben and Jerry.
Yeah, I'm 1. He's 1-A.
Oh, sounds like you've worked it out.
Why do I have to be 1-A?
We change every other week.
Why do you get to go first?
Bec... oh, don't be like that.
How can I ever thank you
for what you've done?!
Oh, well, uh, a 10%
contingency would be fine.
Well, I'd like to donate my
personal share to your lab
for the benefit of mankind.
I'm naming my newest discovery after you.
Oh.
Saccharomyces Karp.
Wow.
It's a new form of yeast!
Ooh, well, there you go.
You know, I've always been
fascinated in the fungus family.
- Really?
- Yes.
Oh, really? You are amazing.
Sacrimonious Karp.
Mm-hmm. Congratulations.
Maybe you'll get a deadly
virus named after you.
Um...
I owe you an apology.
You do?
Yeah, I was...
I was very insensitive.
T... the wedding that you
missed, it was yours, right?
Oh.
No, it was... worse.
It was Robb Stark's Uncle's wedding.
The heir to Winterfell.
"Game of Thrones," season three.
Really?
Wow, maybe you do belong
with Wallace and Gromit.
The red wedding was a
once-in-a-lifetime event,
and I missed the episode.
There's got to be more.
Well, my fianc? ruined
the ending, I got pissed,
we got in a fight, and we broke up.
Over a TV show?
Well, spoiler alert...
he is now dating my ex-best friend.
Ah.
You're better off, but, I mean, it's rough.
No, it's life.
Hey!
I brought some ideas for the
young leadership committee.
The committee has been dissolved.
Oh. Uh...
You're staring.
I'm sorry.
Um...
Um, I... I have a friend,
and, uh, she's a lawyer,
and she's attracted to someone at work
who might be bad for her,
and I... I think that it's
messing with her head, and...
Mind your own damn business,
okay? My head is just fine.
You weren't talking about me.
No, but I... I think that I got my answer.
I'm sorry to bother you.
Don't do it.
This is the third time
I've made the same mistake.
It's just the first time that I...
That you what?
I don't even know you.
Never mind.
You don't let anyone know you, and...
And it's too bad because
maybe you wouldn't work
so many late nights.
D... do you want to get a drink?
Yeah.
Maybe lots of 'em.
Can do.
You're gonna need your
purse if you're treating.
Oh, uh, yes, I... I'll run to my office.
Just, uh...
To seizing the day.
I think we've seized enough
days for a little while.
Yeah, we're gonna focus
on being a normal 36-year-old
father and 76-year-old son.
To father and son.
May you enjoy many years
of unrealistic standards
and dysfunctional family dinners.
Let's hit the water.
Well, let's check out the
talent on the beach first, dad.
Ohh, okay, best sidekick ever... go.
To me, it is a tie
between Ratso Rizzo and
Wilson the volleyball.
You?
Ernie... Bert and Ernie.
Nice, but I think you mean Bert.
Bert's the sidekick.
Ernie was the mastermind.
Are you insane? Bert was the brains.
Brains underneath a massive unibrow? No.
You think we'll still be
living together when we're 80?
Hell yeah!
As long as our wives are cool with it.
Swatello hates me.
Not gonna marry Swatello.
Why do you do this to yourself?
I'm not gonna marry her!
Just go ahead and admit it right now.
- I'm gonna admit it.
- Right... look at me.
I'm not gonna... don't look
at me like that in the face.
I'm just saying...
Oh, yeah? Well, you're gonna marry...
You're probably gonna marry someone great.
Yeah, in a minute.
Retirement living suits you Danny.
Even though I'm not retired.
Danny, how long have you been living here?
Moved in with my
grandmother four years ago.
Unfortunately, it had to come to an end.
What'll be? Manhattan,
gimlet, old-fashioned?
- Oh, beers, it's fine.
- Uh, just beer.
Sorry, no beers, give them gas.
All right, anything with a lot of alcohol.
I never forget a face...
Peter Bash and Jared Franklin.
Nanette.
You went out with Pindar a few years back.
- Right.
- I wouldn't say "went out."
We were both shut-ins, and
we never left our bedroom.
What an accomplished lover.
- Well, that's... disturbing, Nanette.
- Oh, wow, I hope this is a lot of alcohol.
This is great.
Vinyl records, Naugahyde
couches, men in fedoras.
It's like silver lake in
Brooklyn without the irony.
I'm not following.
Falcon's on the roof again!
- Oh, God!
- Great.
Your grandma's boyfriend?
Yeah, I've been crashing
with him since she died.
I am a golden girls God!
He likes to make a big entrance.
Hey, Danny boy! Cannonball!
Okay, let's see it! Whoa!
He's aware there's no pool, right?
I'm not sure.
Are you aware there's no pool?
Fine... bring the party up here then.
Come down, you old toad!
Hey, you Grandma Dottie told us
to live every day like it's our last!
Mwah!
This will be your last if you fall.
Well, just take me to
Sacred Heart if I survive.
They have the hottest nurses.
I love this guy.
Come on, it's my going-away party,
and I don't want to spend it at the morgue.
Peter and Jared are
here. You remember them?
- Hey, Falcon.
- What kind of host are you?
Come on, Falcon, I can't fly on one wing!
Oh, I'll be right there.
You would've killed yourself.
What, do you think I'm crazy?
No, I would've hit the trampoline
and landed in the jacuzzi.
- Trampoline was 40 yards away.
- Uh-huh.
It's the same guy who lit his
chest hair on fire last year...
second-degree burns.
It's called prairie fire.
Epic, from the "Jackass" movie.
Aye.
Oh, excuse me, gentlemen.
I'm liking the ratio over there.
Talk amongst yourselves.
I wouldn't mind his game when I'm 70.
I wouldn't mind Falcon's game now.
What'd you mean when you said
you were having a going-away party?
I'm getting evicted.
Costs of Del Palms is age-restricted.
I have an exemption when
I lived with my grandma,
but now I'm out of luck.
Hmm, you really like living here?
I can hit from the gold tees,
and all the ladies
think of me as a boy toy.
These are my friends,
my fountain of wisdom.
You know, we laugh at the
old, we forget about the old,
but we all want to live
long enough to grow old.
I'm just trying to get
there a little quicker.
You are a weird dude.
Yeah. But an old soul in a weird dude.
If you really want to live here...
We'll make it happen.
Really? Pro bono again?
- No way.
- Hell no.
Fair enough. Hey, everybody,
meet my new lawyers!
I ain't going anywhere!
What?
Let's go.
She doesn't want to...
You're gonna have to
talk to her eventually.
- She doesn't want to talk to me.
- Let's go.
Hey, could you hold the elevator, Swatello?
Oh, thank you.
Bastard. Come on.
Oh, you're dead.
Hi.
Going to 11?
Okay, look, I know you
know about Peter's mom.
The sex surrogate? What about her?
Well, you know that I had sex with her...
of the carnal variety.
She charge you?
Okay, you're upset, and I get that.
You're the one who broke up with me.
You know what? You can sleep
with whoever you want to.
It's not like I'm at
home pining away for you,
collecting your hair to turn
into some teeny, tiny voodoo doll.
Right.
Not like that at all.
Hell, sleep with my mom.
As long as you're into shih tzus
and terminal passive aggression,
you guys would be great.
You know, one could argue
that this is your fault.
My fault?
What I mean is, you broke up with me,
and I rebounded, granted
in an unorthodox way, but...
I'm just saying, when you want
to apologize, I will accept.
Okay, look, neither side
has to apologize, really.
I mean, we understand that
each other is sorry, right?
I mean, I'm sorry and you're sorry, right?
Right.
Prospective new client,
biology professor Erica Boyd.
She's a front-runner for the
esteemed Curie Science Award,
which, of course, as you know
all, is the Oscar for geeks.
Her study on how viruses evade the
human immune system is mind-blowing.
Professor Boyd was set to
present her research in Sweden,
until Gowest Airlines canceled her flight,
so she's after the grant
money that she would've won.
Amounts to $1.2 million.
Pass. What else you got?
We'd love to, but we're busy working
a landmark age-discrimination suit.
Next stop... the U.S. Supreme Court.
I cannot wait to watch
you two argue that one.
Thank you.
Y... you won't miss me
because I'll be the guy
with the pink dragons flying out of my ass.
Someone needs a colonoscopy.
Oh, I... I'll take the case.
I've waited a long time to
get back at Gowest Airlines.
Ah, well, delighted to have you aboard.
Well, I... wait a second.
I'd like to take this.
Well, good. You can assist.
Mm.
As second... chair?
No... no thank you.
Actually, you know what?
I'll listen to what Dr. Boyd has to say
as first chair, obviously.
I... would be fine with that.
Excellent!
Well enjoy yourselves.
I'm going to see a man about a dog.
These pink dragons you're talking about,
they fly out of your butt?
Only when you do things that
are completely impossible.
I just don't get why they'd be dragons.
Oh, we should, um, probably break away
for a strategy session.
Whoa, easy with the breakaway there, Slick.
You've got a sidekick. Why can't I?
Excuse me... sidekick?
Hey, it's working for Yogi and Boo Boo.
Whoa. Peter is much more than a sidekick.
Dude, he is obviously talking about you.
Well, he was looking at you.
Was I?
Bye.
What says Swatello? Swatello...
Who would be a sidekick?
Well, you're both dumb as tree bark,
so, technically, you're both sidekicks.
Excuse me.
Look, on the masthead,
Franklin comes before Bash.
But it's common knowledge
that the last name of a
masthead is most important.
Everyone remembers Bailey, not Barnum.
That makes no sense.
Nobody remembers Bailey.
It's right there in
the bylaws, Mrs. Harris.
All lawns must be bent grass.
If I allow you to plant bermuda,
then everyone will be
asking for exceptions.
Appeal denied.
Mr. DuBois, I'll repeat it for
you and your frat brothers...
No residents under 55.
Well, we have reason to believe
that Danny is well over 55.
These are the results of
a, uh, mental-age quiz,
accounting for factors such
as bedtime, music tastes,
food preferences, and Danny has
the mentality of a 60-year-old.
Peter and I got 13.
- Combined.
- Combined.
Play semantics all you want,
but the fair housing act
clearly states age restrictions are legal.
Yeah, it's legal so that people can gather
around a shared lifestyle.
And nobody fits in here more than Danny.
We can't just bend the rules every...
We're not asking you to bend the rules.
Well, listen, "Casa Del Palms...
Where age is just a number."
By your own rules,
you don't use the literal
interpretation of age.
I said, by your own rules, you don't...
You don't have to yell! We heard you!
My bad.
Fine, we'll put it to a vote.
All those in favor of allowing
the first-ever exception
to our age restrictions...
Say "aye."
Aye.
Those opposed?
Nay. Nay.
Nay.
The nays have it.
Mr. DuBois, your eviction stands.
You have until midnight tonight.
Uh, sir?
Erica Boyd and the Gowest Airlines case?
Yes, what about it?
Well, why wasn't I considered?
I think Anita just wanted
it a little bit more.
You are the reason I
came to work here, sir.
But I don't seem to be impressing you.
You do excellent work!
It's just that you're a former prosecutor
and Anita and Damien
have more experience with contract law.
Besides...
I have plans for you.
Such as?
I want you to run the YLC.
YLC?
Young Leadership Committee.
I want you to till the fertile imaginations
of the firm's young
minds a... and find a way
that we can better execute
our jobs as partners.
There is no young leadership committee.
You just made that up.
Fine.
If you don't want this
coveted chairmanship,
I suppose I can always get Anita to do it.
No, uh, fine, sir. I... I'll take it.
Is there... is there some
kind of mission statement
or a manifesto?
No, but that's the beauty of it.
You can make it up as you go along.
Ah. Yes.
Thank you.
Hmm.
- What about the Shumann trial?
- Right.
- I crushed the closing.
- What?
I wrote every brief,
filed every motion on that.
Provided support, like a
supporting player, like Robin.
- Oh. Don't call me "Robin."
- Robin.
Hey, if you two are looking for
a sidekick, I'll take the job.
Without a number two,
there's no number one.
What are you doing here?
Jared told me to come, so here I am.
No, I didn't.
No, you did not, but here
I am, so put me to work.
Hey, Danny boy, one last saltine
challenge for old times' sake?
Those days are done, Falc...
Ah, what would Grandma Dottie say
if she heard you wimp out like that?
- Sack up, Danny.
- Yeah!
Dot was a nurturer.
Oh, yeah. No, no, no, not yet!
Not gonna be as much fun when Danny's gone.
Your vote against his appeal didn't help.
Ready?
Weston has leverage.
He rules by intimidation.
That's why I had to vote against Danny.
He knew about your
arrest for being a, um...
Prostitute.
Yeah, you can say it, just... not too loud.
Oh, I understand. My mom is
peripherally in the industry.
When the people here found
out, I was ostracized.
Took me years to rebuild
my reputation, but now...
The only people who know what happened then
are either dead or demented.
- Everyone except Weston.
- Yeah.
Maybe we give Weston a
taste of his own medicine.
You look silly!
Okay, Dan, we need you to go back home
and stay there till we activate you.
- You got it.
- Very dry.
Sorry.
He is cute.
What a shame.
Danny is the son Falcon never had.
Oh.
Danny could live here if he had a relative.
Uh, Danny, stop packing.
If we can't prove you
would've won the award
the lawsuit will be
kicked on summary judgment.
I was a lock.
I have a sworn affidavit
from a board member
saying I had all the votes lined up.
Yet you didn't win.
Because I couldn't present my research.
The board had no choice
but to disqualify me
and award the grant
money to the runner-up.
Why didn't you reserve another flight
if you had so much riding on it?
I tried that. Every
other flight was booked.
Did Gowest give grounds
for the cancellation?
Act of God.
Just what a scientist likes to hear.
Acts of God are reserved
for meteorological events...
Earthquakes, storms.
And the climatological average
indicated no such thing.
Y... you mean the weather report?
Yes, yes.
Not even a light shower
from here to Sweden.
Every other airline took off.
Unfortunately, clauses like act of God
give them a lot of leeway to
cover unforeseeable events.
More unfortunate, 65% of labs
are funded by grant money.
My research will be lost.
It's what I've worked my entire life for.
Don't worry.
We will make sure that
you get your funding back.
Thank you! Thank you so much!
You're doing science a great service.
Thank you!
Glad to help.
What?
Let's get moving. I
have a full docket today.
Name and age of adoptive parent?
Jacob Morris Reilly, 76.
Name and age of adoptive child?
Daniel James DuBois, 36.
Of course... my two favorite counselors,
Sherman and Mr. Peabody.
Your Honor, adult adoption
is increasingly common.
Also, if you had to say, which one of us
would be Sherman and which
one would be Mr. Peabody?
Your Honor, Caroline Chilton,
Department of Child Services.
Are we seriously
entertaining adoption here?
These are grown men.
Danny... Mr. DuBois...
His biological parents
died when he was a child,
and Mr. Reilly is the closest
thing he's ever had to a father.
And Mr. Reilly never
had children of his own,
so Danny is like a son.
Oh, that is very touching,
but adoption is reserved for those in need
of an emotional and
physical support system.
Does Mr. DuBois have any
debilitating conditions
we're not aware of?
Yes, Your Honor... chronic
emotional immaturity.
He's in good company.
We grew up with Danny.
He's always shown terrible judgment.
Terrible.
This is the kind of guy
who stays up all night
drinking and playing video games.
He once stayed up for four days straight,
missed his philosophy final
'cause he was trying to
finish "The Legend of Zelda."
Ah, guilty! It was worth it.
Danny needs the guidance
of a responsibility, mature father figure
so that he can finally grow
up a man like Mr. Reilly.
It's lean meat, gentlemen, but
enough to schedule a hearing.
We'll reconvene tomorrow morning.
See you tomorrow morning? Yeah!
Gowest Airlines can't get away with this.
Mm... legally speaking, they can.
A mechanical failure is not an act of God.
That's just legal mumbo jumbo.
Look, Erica Boyd got screwed,
but Gowest revised their
contract of carriage
to define mechanical
failures as acts of God.
Yes, four months ago,
and our client purchased
her ticket six months ago.
But the time of purchase is irrelevant.
She agreed to the new policy
the moment she checked
in at the airport kiosk.
This is Gowest's M.O.
They stranded me at Narita
Airport for three days, and why?
Act of God.
I missed a major life event.
Really? What was that?
It was... a wedding.
Look, if... if we don't fight this,
Gowest airline is going to continue
to mistreat their passengers.
Stanton, we need your spiritual leadership.
You know, it's true the
Kiai tribe of Vanuatu Island
believe me to be a divine being.
I mean, I wouldn't be living
up to their expectations
if I didn't make a ruling on this.
Right.
Here it is.
Gowest chose the word "Act
of God" in a binding contract.
Mm-hmm.
So...
Go hold them to it.
Yes!
Are you here to adopt us?
'Cause I got to tell you,
one cold and disapproving
father... that's enough for me.
I'm here to testify against this farce.
If you're gonna skirt the rules,
I'm gonna expose your selfish motives.
I got your nose!
I'm gonna keep it.
- Danny!
- Hey.
Where's Falcon?
I don't know. He's not
picking up his phone.
We can't win an adoption
case with half our family.
Okay, docket FA-141.
Whoa, we're just gonna jump
right into it, Your Honor?
How about we, uh, take a minute?
I think we should do some,
uh, breathing exercises,
maybe some stretches.
Maybe some... start with
some calisthenics, you know?
Yes, sir, breathe in.
Deep, cleansing breath!
Back of the wall, turn your elbow!
And let's breathe through our mouths.
Feel that in your stomach.
Feel it! It just feels better!
Doesn't it? Breathe with your stomach.
How was your weekend, your honor?
Your Honor, they're stalling.
What?
And they seem to be
missing a father figure.
If they're trying to prove Mr. Reilly
a mature, responsible guardian,
this isn't a great start.
Nor is speaking from the gallery.
Sit down.
Any idea why our adoptive
father is a no-show?
He... he's not a no-show.
He's literally the opposite
of that, your honor.
He is a showman.
- Oh, D... Danny.
- He's just...
Waiting to make a big entrance, I think.
Dude, we're working here.
Falcon was arrested on
a drunk and disorderly.
Oh. That's not good.
Counselors, produce your client.
You have until noon, or I'm
dismissing your petition.
Noon?
Noon works. Noon's good.
We need to grab Falcon now.
Well, Falcon, you can
understand how getting arrested
in the middle of an adoption hearing
probably wasn't the best timing.
Sorry... flight attendants
buying me drinks.
Oh, in uniform, Danny.
This was important to me, Jake.
You were just thinking about yourself.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You know, without you there, I...
I didn't know when to tap out.
You can't take him to court
like this. He's half drunk.
That's the problem... only half.
Is there a bar around here?
Really?
We're just gonna throw
in the towel that quickly?
You forget who you're talking to?
Someone get Falcon.
Is this it?
Uh, McKnight had a
depo, and Delfina's sick.
Okay.
Well...
Welcome to the inaugural
young leadership committee.
Oh, I thought this was the
equity derivatives meeting.
Sorry, my bad.
How old are you?
Why?
Well, it's just... nothing.
You think I'm too old to chair this?
- What? No.
- Get out.
So, you were a prosecutor?
Yep.
Oh, in the second-largest
city in the country.
That's... I'm impressed.
Thank you.
And I am impressed that
you have lasted two months
in the monkey house
that is Infeld-Daniels...
Whatever the hell.
Hey, let's roll. I want
to go to court early.
Oh, okay.
I have to go, but, uh, I will be back.
I've got some great ideas.
Great. Can't wait.
Okay. Sorry.
Your honor, Gowest is
the only major airline
that lists mechanical
failures as acts of God.
As outlined in the legal agreement
Ms. Boyd signed at Gowest's kiosk,
"Act of God" is defined as an unforeseeable
and unpredictable event,
which includes mechanical failures.
Mechanical failures are the
airline's responsibility,
not the almighty's.
While Ms. Haskins main concern
seems to be the contract's wording,
mine are the lives of the 300 passengers.
Your honor, there is no safety issue here.
Gowest is clearly using this as a pretense
to cover their own negligence.
I have to agree.
Motion to dismiss is denied.
Ms. Boyd better look to
heaven for compensation
'cause she's getting squat from Gowest.
That's Professor Boyd.
Not bad.
Not bad to you...
You know, for a sidekick.
- Hey!
- Hey!
How's the journey to the Supreme Court?
Uh, we hit a bump in the road.
Mm, tasted that one.
Ugh. Come on, let's go in before we all do.
- What?
- You're okay?
Of course. Why?
You know, working with Saruman.
If you ever get the desire
to self-mutilate, don't.
It'll pass.
Karp is a cool guy.
Cool as in cold-blooded.
No, cool as in fun and super smart.
Pretending to be cool
is all part of his plan
to turn new lawyers into "Karporate" tools.
Ah, Karporate... I get it.
Well, at least he actually
lets me argue in court.
We should've never let
her out of our sights.
I'm telling you, they grow up too fast.
Let's get started, Ms. Chilton.
In an adoption hearing,
it is my job to look out
for the best interests of...
The child.
Mr. Reilly, do you feel
well-equipped to act as a caretaker?
I'm extremely well-equipped.
This is surveillance footage
from Mr. Reilly's arrest.
All right, all right,
let's see if you can guess what I am now!
Huh?!
A zit!
Vintage belushi.
Loves his "animal house."
That's a classic.
Your Honor, parenting is about
self-sacrifice, protection,
being a great role model.
This man is obviously
not fit to be a father.
The state advises against this adoption.
Mr. Bash, Mr. Franklin, you're up.
Mm.
- Falcon?
- Yeah?
- Would you come with me, please?
- Yes, sir.
Could you please
demonstrate for the court...
- Mm-hmm.
- Your prairie fire trick?
What's he doing?
Huh, what'd you say?
Prairie fire.
Oh. Let's see it.
What? Stop, not... not here.
No, let's see where this is going.
Mr. DuBois, Mr. Weston, quiet,
or I'll have you both removed.
What? You want me to burn
off my chest hair again?
- Really? In court?!
- Yeah! Yeah!
What better place than here?
What better time than now?
Guys, please!
Gentlemen, what's going on here?
Come on, Falcon, live each
day like it's your last!
All... come on. Come on.
Right, buddy, let's do it!
Yeah!
Yeah, Grandma Dottie would be proud!
Yes, she would!
I don't know what Grandma Dottie would say,
but this judge says if
he strikes that match,
I'm throwing all of you in jail.
Your honor, if Mr. Reilly wants
to prove that he's an imbecile
and unfit to be a parent, well,
then he can make my job easy.
- Peter, abort, Peter!
- What?
- Danny's gone.
- What?!
He split.
Oh, no, no, Falcon, uh, never
mind. Forget it, forget it.
Wait, wait. Just stop... bad Falcon!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Bailiffs! Bailiffs!
Bailiffs! Falcon!
You know what grandma really wanted?
Huh?
You to have more days.
And that's what I want, too.
I'm sorry, Danny.
Instead of being sorry,
why don't you stop acting
like a child and grow up?!
I think we can all see that Mr. Reilly
is clearly not fit to be a father.
He's barely fit to be a
functioning member of society.
We agree, and thank you, Ms. Chilton,
for returning the favor
and making our job easier.
Your Honor, we would like
to submit an amended filing
for a reverse adult adoption.
- What?
- Come again?
We're asking for Danny to
legally adopt Mr. Reilly.
Ms. Chilton said it herself.
Parenting is all about
sacrifice and protection.
And I think we can all
agree that Mr. Reilly
needs parental guidance,
and Danny's action,
dare I say heroism, prove
that he is qualified.
I don't even get birthday
cards from my kids.
Mm.
You're a very lucky man, sir.
If Mr. DuBois would agree to an
expedited guardian evaluation,
I'll allow him to adopt Mr. Falcon.
- Reilly.
- Whatever.
It's a ridiculous nickname.
Mr. DuBois, Mr. Reilly, congratulations.
You're father and son now.
Get out of my courtroom so
it can be cleaned, please.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Ha!
Go easy there.
Get a room.
Oh, yeah! Oh!
Way to go, Falcon.
Hey! No, no, no, no.
Come on, come on, come on, knock it off.
Oh, you guys did a great job!
Bailiffs!
Ah, get away! Hey!
Bailiffs, bailiffs!
What did he want?
Um...
He offered a settlement...
10 grand and 50,000 airline miles.
Did you tell him where
Gowest can shove their money?
I did... into Boyd's wallet.
I'm sorry. I already talked
to her, and she agreed.
'Cause you told her to?
This is from the discovery documents.
No jury is gonna rule against a company
that errs on the side of caution.
The airplane legitimately
had mechanical problems.
"Flight cancelled due to a
leak in the drainage channels."
She needs funding for research.
10 grand isn't gonna cover petri dishes.
You just don't want to
fight for Professor Boyd?
I don't even think this is about her.
I think it's about you and your desire
to get revenge for missing a wedding.
It wasn't just any wedding, okay?
No, I'm sorry.
You know, maybe we should
talk to Peter and Jared,
see if they have any ideas.
You know, maybe we should
talk to Penn and Teller
because they know more about the law
and they're infinitely more entertaining.
Say what you want about Peter and Jared,
but they go to the mat for their clients.
Are you here for the YLC meeting?
Yes. Sorry I'm late.
I hit a possum last night.
Couldn't sleep.
Good to know.
Thing was just thrashing
around in a box under my bed.
I think it's gonna live.
Thank God for that.
Anyhoo, I've canceled the
YLC until further notice.
Oh, that's too bad.
I have a lot of ideas.
Mostly fact-finding data
on how other firms go about their day.
Ah.
Please tell me that's your data
in there and not the possum.
Of course.
You know, you strike me as the
kind of guy who has a burn bag.
I got four of them.
Great. Burn everything in that box.
Will do. When we're done.
We're done.
I'm sorry about you and Jared.
If it makes you feel any
better, he's devastated.
Can't eat or sleep.
Only drink.
Really?
W... well, not literally.
Did you lose something?
My necklace.
It looks like a dopamine molecule.
My father gave it to me.
He's the one who encouraged
me to be a scientist.
Oh. I think this is yours.
Ohh. Thanks.
I... I really want to thank
you guys for all your efforts.
I... you did the best you could.
In the matter of Boyd vs Gowest airlines,
have both parties agreed to a settlement?
- Yes, Your Honor.
- No, Your Honor.
We're having difficulty
finding our expert witness.
- We'd like some more time.
- Who?
The world's foremost
authority on acts of God. God.
Objection! Blasphemy!
Everybody into my chambers.
Are you going Franklin and Bash on him?
Okay, first of all, that is
not a term, and I am going Karp.
Ah.
There's only one person who can adjudicate
whether a mechanical
failure is an act of God,
and that's God himself.
Oh, please. This is clearly a stall tactic.
We've tried to get in touch
with the man or woman upstairs...
E-mail, Facebook, Twitter.
Yeah, perhaps the reps at Gowest
know how to contact him
since they seem to have him on retainer.
Obviously, God had nothing to do with it.
"Act of God" is a term of art.
No, no, no, no.
Words are the foundation
of our legal system.
Gowest chose the words "Act of God,"
not "act of chance."
So it's reasonable to ask who
suggested the policy change.
The head of the risk department
makes those decisions.
And that person's name would be who?
- Ted!
- Mm.
Ted Davis.
Ted Davis, not God.
Excellent.
Your Honor, we would request
a recess to locate Mr. Davis.
I think he's a more gettable witness.
We'll reconvene tomorrow.
Uh-oh, Jesus, it's the cops.
Mr. President! Hey!
Care to join us for a
game of "battle shots"?
It's battleship but with shots.
Patent pending.
Hand me that Tequila, would you?
Thanks, Kato.
No thank you.
I'm just serving these
gentlemen their eviction notice,
and I'll be on my way.
Afraid you're a little bit behind.
We've won the adoption case.
Yeah, surprised you didn't get the e-vite
for a "welcome home" party.
This is the toxicology report
from Mr. Reilly's arrest.
It showed amphetamines in his system.
No, I haven't done hard
drugs since, um... Altamont.
You're not helping, Falcon.
Section 4.6-B of our bylaws
clearly outlines a zero-tolerance policy
for positive drug tests.
These guys have five minutes to pack.
He's clearly missing the point
of a "welcome home" party.
Oh.
Please tell me that's
the follow-up blood work.
There you go.
So, if Falcon didn't take drugs,
how did they end up in his system?
Uh, that's what we're hoping to find out.
You want to know what I think?
No.
But I can't speak for Garfunkel over here.
Maybe someone, you know...
What is that... brackets?
Frames. Maybe someone framed him.
We're alone. You can say "framed."
Framed!
We're never alone,
Jared. Never forget that.
So, who framed him? Weston?
No, he might be a dickhead,
but I don't think he's
a criminal mastermind.
Maybe Falcon blacked out.
You rage that hard, bad things happen.
I submit my entire second year
of law school into evidence.
Remember when you had that
job delivering take-out?
You got fired after three days.
Dan, call Ralph Begleiter.
From labtech drug screening.
I pulled your contacts from the cloud.
All right, never mind.
We'll just call him from the car.
Falcon wasn't taking illegal drugs.
His prescription medication
showed up as a false positive.
I once got fired from a summer job
because my cold medicine
triggered a false positive.
You want us to believe
that a man who guzzles
flaming gorilla tits at dinner parties
got an accidental false result?
We thought you'd say that,
which is why we did a voluntary
drug test of your residents.
We did 20 tests,
and all 20 came back positive
for illegal narcotics.
Who here takes arthritis medication?
I do.
That creates a positive for cannabis.
Cholesterol drugs?
Barbiturates.
And Falcon's heartburn pills
come back with a false positive for...
You got it... amphetamines!
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
See, we were gonna do
a whole powerpoint deck,
but then it turned out neither
one of us knew what that was.
No, thank you for outing
the other offenders.
The bylaws say any
resident testing positive
for illegal narcotics is to be evicted.
Wait, wait, wait. The writ... Falcon...
No one took an illegal narcotic.
But he did test positive, and
that's grounds for eviction
for him and his 20 friends.
You're not gonna kick out 20 residents!
I wouldn't be the one kicking them out.
You would.
Don't look at me. I'm just a sidekick.
I'm just a sidekick.
- Mr. Davis...
- Ted.
Ted.
Can you explain how you
arrived at your recommendation
to start including mechanical
failures as acts of God?
Well, it's a complicated algorithm.
Well...
W... we'll try to follow along, all right?
Why don't you, uh, enlighten us?
I calculate the risk index of events
and put procedures in place
to minimize, uh, negative outcomes.
Even if those procedures
inconvenience some passengers?
If it assures an airplane's safety.
How did a clogged toilet
jeopardize the safety of
Professor Boyd's airplane?
I... I... I believe your report called it
"a leak in the drainage channels
during routine maintenance."
A clogged toilet is a mechanical failure.
Only in the revised terms of service...
The terms that you just happened to revise
before 20 flights got canceled.
It was a precaution.
You don't need a precaution.
You got your fancy equation
that can predict failures.
Uh, well, it's in the same way
a-a weatherman can predict
a hurricane, but the hur...
Eh, it's not quite the same thing.
Uh, a hurricane can't be
fixed with a wrench, can it?
When you put it that way...
So, now, would it be fair to say
that the cancellation of
Professor Boyd's flight
was not an act of God.
It was... an act of Ted.
No further questions, Your Honor.
The intent of that rule
is to keep out drug users.
I can't tell you the intent,
only that all these people violated it.
Well, then we look forward
to handling their class action suit.
Guys...
Time to wrap this up.
Well, you're making this worse.
We move to amend the rule.
What makes you think
that I'd allow you to...
We don't need your approval.
The bylaws state that a rule can be changed
if we get four out of the five board votes.
Fine, make your argument.
You have one minute.
Good luck.
Yes, Falcon uses the
jacuzzi after 9:00 P.M.,
wearing only a thong.
He shouldn't do it. It's awful to look at.
Yes, he drives his golf
cart through the buffet line
during Taco Tuesdays,
but why does he do it?
Because Falcon came to
Casa Del Palms to live!
Just like Danny DuBois came here to live!
Right, so what are you so afraid of?
Are you afraid of Falcon and Danny?
No, they're not the real enemy.
Stu Weston is the real enemy!
Is that how you want to
spend your golden years...
Living in fear?
Are you done?
The jacuzzi thing, ended with fear... yeah.
Good.
We'll put it to the vote.
Yes.
But I have to say something.
I have an arrest record for prostitution.
I quit 30...
15...
Five years ago.
But you no longer have
this to hold over me, Stu.
I vote to change the bylaws
and let Falcon and Danny back in.
Fine, but you're still three short.
I cheated in the dominoes tournament.
And I vote with Falcon and Danny.
- Yes!
- Thataboy.
I wasted my grandkids' inheritance...
on Candy Crush!
Wow! Good game, though.
I steal forks from the cafeteria,
and Stu Weston used a foot wedge on 14
to win the spring scramble.
I had money on that.
That's four votes, Stu.
Want to make it unanimous?
Mr. DuBois and Mr. Reilly
can remain as residents,
along with the other drug offenders.
- In your face!
- You're all anarchists!
Anarchists!
Mmm.
Mmm!
Well, good.
Oh, how's my favorite lawyer
and his faithful squire?
Not gonna work anymore.
No, we're equal partners
like Starsky and Hutch.
Like Ben and Jerry.
Yeah, I'm 1. He's 1-A.
Oh, sounds like you've worked it out.
Why do I have to be 1-A?
We change every other week.
Why do you get to go first?
Bec... oh, don't be like that.
How can I ever thank you
for what you've done?!
Oh, well, uh, a 10%
contingency would be fine.
Well, I'd like to donate my
personal share to your lab
for the benefit of mankind.
I'm naming my newest discovery after you.
Oh.
Saccharomyces Karp.
Wow.
It's a new form of yeast!
Ooh, well, there you go.
You know, I've always been
fascinated in the fungus family.
- Really?
- Yes.
Oh, really? You are amazing.
Sacrimonious Karp.
Mm-hmm. Congratulations.
Maybe you'll get a deadly
virus named after you.
Um...
I owe you an apology.
You do?
Yeah, I was...
I was very insensitive.
T... the wedding that you
missed, it was yours, right?
Oh.
No, it was... worse.
It was Robb Stark's Uncle's wedding.
The heir to Winterfell.
"Game of Thrones," season three.
Really?
Wow, maybe you do belong
with Wallace and Gromit.
The red wedding was a
once-in-a-lifetime event,
and I missed the episode.
There's got to be more.
Well, my fianc? ruined
the ending, I got pissed,
we got in a fight, and we broke up.
Over a TV show?
Well, spoiler alert...
he is now dating my ex-best friend.
Ah.
You're better off, but, I mean, it's rough.
No, it's life.
Hey!
I brought some ideas for the
young leadership committee.
The committee has been dissolved.
Oh. Uh...
You're staring.
I'm sorry.
Um...
Um, I... I have a friend,
and, uh, she's a lawyer,
and she's attracted to someone at work
who might be bad for her,
and I... I think that it's
messing with her head, and...
Mind your own damn business,
okay? My head is just fine.
You weren't talking about me.
No, but I... I think that I got my answer.
I'm sorry to bother you.
Don't do it.
This is the third time
I've made the same mistake.
It's just the first time that I...
That you what?
I don't even know you.
Never mind.
You don't let anyone know you, and...
And it's too bad because
maybe you wouldn't work
so many late nights.
D... do you want to get a drink?
Yeah.
Maybe lots of 'em.
Can do.
You're gonna need your
purse if you're treating.
Oh, uh, yes, I... I'll run to my office.
Just, uh...
To seizing the day.
I think we've seized enough
days for a little while.
Yeah, we're gonna focus
on being a normal 36-year-old
father and 76-year-old son.
To father and son.
May you enjoy many years
of unrealistic standards
and dysfunctional family dinners.
Let's hit the water.
Well, let's check out the
talent on the beach first, dad.
Ohh, okay, best sidekick ever... go.
To me, it is a tie
between Ratso Rizzo and
Wilson the volleyball.
You?
Ernie... Bert and Ernie.
Nice, but I think you mean Bert.
Bert's the sidekick.
Ernie was the mastermind.
Are you insane? Bert was the brains.
Brains underneath a massive unibrow? No.
You think we'll still be
living together when we're 80?
Hell yeah!
As long as our wives are cool with it.
Swatello hates me.
Not gonna marry Swatello.
Why do you do this to yourself?
I'm not gonna marry her!
Just go ahead and admit it right now.
- I'm gonna admit it.
- Right... look at me.
I'm not gonna... don't look
at me like that in the face.
I'm just saying...
Oh, yeah? Well, you're gonna marry...
You're probably gonna marry someone great.