Franklin & Bash (2011–2014): Season 4, Episode 9 - Spirits in the Material World - full transcript

Jared: You two have got a legitimate claim

and need to exercise your legal rights.

And you've come to the right place.

That's right, Peter, because
here at Infeld, Daniels,

Franklin and Bash, we won't rest

until you've gotten full
satisfaction under the law.

We are all about satisfaction.

That's right, Peter.

And with our crack staff of lawyers

working 'round the clock...

Actually, "lawyers on crack"



would be better than the two of you.

Come on, man. Dan: Cut.

Cut. Oh, I'm sorry. Were you rolling?

That was the best one for
me. Can you edit that?

I can't work like this. Can't do it.

What is this? You little video

for the Chive's cheesiest
lawyer of the year thing?

It's the hottest.

And it's not only 'cause we are hot...

Jared: And so are our clients.

But because we always win.

Foreign concept to you, we know.

The Chive?

It's an awesome website, sir.



Oh, wonderful.

- Is anyone doing any work around here?
- I am.

Actually, I could use some help
on the Andrews' class action.

Hope you find it.

Not you.

Infeld: You two,

I have new clients

with a fascinating case

in the conference room.

Let me film you guys with them.

You know, I'll get something real.

It'll be good for the Chive. A-and the firm.

All right, fellini.

You guys, we'll be back.

You can take 5 or 10 or...

It's been our dream to buy
an old hotel, rehab it.

We worked for 20 years
as high-school teachers,

saved everything until we found
the perfect place downtown,

the Heathbrooke?

We ran into problems during renovation...

Had to scrap everything.

After we ran out of money.

We're filing for bankruptcy.

Well, that's, uh...

That's a little out of our wheelhouse.

The... place is haunted.

H-ha-haunted? Like...?

Ghosts. Yes.

And... back in our wheelhouse.

We know how ridiculous this sounds.

We don't believe in ghosts.

Or we didn't until...

things started happening.

- Things? What kind of things?
- Okay. Easy, buddy.

Well, we spent a ton of money

painting the inside of the house.

The next time we came back,

all the walls had been
repainted with strange figures...

Red.

Graffiti? Well, that's what we thought,

but the house was locked. No one in,

- no one out.
- Aw, man.

Then the voices coming from nowhere.

Electronic voice phenomena.
That's a classic sign of...

Dan. Why... why don't you just film?

Jared: Uh, any other phenomena?

- Denise: Cold spots.
- Mm.

Unexplained smells.

Sulfuric.

Contractors stopped wanting the project.

Next thing we knew, we were broke.

We can get you your money back.

- No, we can't.
- Does the property have

a proven history of being
psychologically affected?

"Psychologically affected"?

Something violent like a murder
or a grisly death happens

and the seller knows,
they have to disclose it.

We bought from Freddie Silmas.

Big real-estate developer.

Never told us anything about a history.

Uh, excuse me.

Can I have a moment with you?

Uh...

Jared: Yes.

We're not taking this.

I'm exercising veto power.

Dude! What the hell?

You were about to get hysterical.

I don't get hysterical.

You heard them. Come on.

They lost everything.

Silmas has deep pockets.

They need our help.

I'm not going in the hotel.

Fine.

Fine. That hurt.

That hurt me to do it.

Delete that.

Not happening.

[Rock music plays]

♪ Ooh, what a mixture ♪

♪ Such a vivid picture ♪

♪ Ooh, what a mixture ♪

♪ If I must say so myself ♪

[Indistinct conversations]

Bonnie: Hi, guys!

Who's our favorite law clerk?

I don't know. Who?

You, Bonnie. Get in here.

Bonnie.

- How are you?
- Hi.

What happened to you?

Yeah, we would've hired
you if you passed the bar.

- Did you pass the bar?
- Yes. I'm a lawyer.

- You're a lawyer.
- Wow!

We should take you to lunch.

Oh, sorry. I'm here on business.

You are here on business.

Look at you.

Uh, if it's okay...

I know it's okay...

I'm with Danforth-Watkins.

That's a top-10 law firm.

Yeah, we're holding steady at 94.

Yeah. We slid 71 slots,
but then we stabilized.

We represent Freddie Silmas.

Freddie Silmas,

who pawned off a haunted house
on our unsuspecting clients.

Now we're gonna feel crappy
about kicking your butt.

Sorry.

Ah, don't be sorry. As
much as we love you...

You love me?

From this moment forward,
consider us the enemy.

Mm. Enemies in court,
friends outside of court?

Consider us frenemies.

Okay. I got to go.

Ooh! Almost forgot.

Interrogatories...

And first round of admissions.

I'll have the rest messengered
over this afternoon.

It's just such an honor to be
working with the two guys

who are responsible for
me becoming a lawyer.

Uh. That's...

All grown up. Where does the time go?

Answering interrogatories. Geez.

[Thud]

What the...? Mundy?!

Hey. Oh, careful. Careful with my boxes.

Well, don't leave them by the front door.

What is this?

Your lawyer friend's office

sent over some of Silmas' records.

- Anything good?
- Too early to tell.

- Hey, if you're headed to the kitchen...
- I'm not.

Grab a brother a grapefruit.

Yeah, fine. You want me to,
uh, section it for you, too?

Hungry?!

[Laughs] Geez!

Gotcha! [Clears throat]

I'll section it myself.

That's funny. That's real funny.

[Laughs]

Shut up.

I'm calling a moratorium on scaring.

You can call all you want.

Dude.

I am desensitizing you to being scared.

Dan, what have you got?

I just met with the P.I.G. people.

'Course you did.

Paranormal investigation group...

P.I.G. They're sending a team
to check out the Heathbrooke.

Good. And you should do a background
check for a history of violence...

murder, suicides, anything on the house.

Occult, ritualistic cannibalism.

Oh, I hate this case.

We'll go see Silmas.

Silmas is willing to talk to you?

Yeah. Just doesn't know it yet.

Karp: Hey.

You didn't respond to my
e-mail about the Andrews case.

Oh, uh, sorry. I've been very busy.

[Chuckles] It was not a request.

You're a junior partner,

and I am a significantly senior partner.

You're gonna be here late.

Fine.

I have my moot court reunion,

but I've been looking
for a reason not to go.

Oh, no, no, no. You can't miss that.

Moot court is awesome.

We'll just swing by for a drink.

[Chuckles]

I don't want to work on your class action,

and I don't want to go to my reunion,

and now I'm doing both?

Oh, it's crazy how that happened.

Why don't you want to go?

Cheryl Koch.

She was my best friend in law school

until she stabbed me in
the back during the finals.

That was like five years ago.

Yes, but we were talking about the woman

that invented the bitchy resting face.

Whoa. Ooh.

Nothing like a weekday morning at the range.

Yeah.

Talk to Swatello?

Not outside of work.

You miss her?

Dude, come on. I'm driving.

- Ah, nice drive.
- Why, thank you.

All right, I hit this 250 yards on the fly,

you have to adhere to
the no-scare moratorium.

- Adhere?
- Adhere.

Fine.

Whoo!

Yes!

Never shook on it.

- Are you kidding me?
- We never shook on it.

- Don't be like that.
- I'm just saying.

Uh, there's Silmas.

Hey.

Freddie Silmas.

Wow, you look even better in person

than you do on your bus benches.

Wow. Much better.

You know, wee ne well with benches, too.

Franklin and Bash...

Both: "We've got your back."

Okay, I'm here just to hit a
few before a meeting, so...

Oh.

She just wants to hit a few.

Of course. Sorry. Sorry.

One question, though.

Property... The Heathbrooke downtown.

Does that ring a bell?

Yeah, it rings a bell.

Look at that "eff you" look.

She's got that "eff you" look down cold.

Apparently not.

Let me tell you something

before security kicks
your non-member asses out.

Both: You're not a member?

I thought you were a member.

- This is embarrassing.
- I didn't get where I am

by buying back things
for what I paid for them.

You think I did something wrong
at your haunted mansion?

I didn't say anything
about a haunted mansion.

Did you say anything
about a haunted mansion?

It was all her.

You want to come after me? Fine.

I'll have my people bury you
under so much paperwork,

you'll be crapping confetti for a week.

[Chuckles] Sounds like a party.

They'll show you out...

Counselors.

Peter: Hi, guys. You guys are our caddies?

- Great. I'm warmed up.
- Oh, that's awesome.

- All right, let's do this.
- Should we hit the course?

You ready? Keep your head down.

Oh... Oh, sorry.

Again, in the back swing.

- He can't help himself.
- Sorry.

Boys!

Oh, geez!

Will you stop it?

Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you.

Phasmophobia... fear of ghosts.

You know, I once ran a seance

trying to raise the spirit of
my great grandfather, Xerxes.

Any luck?

Sadly, no.

But I did spend a very satisfying weekend

with my second cousin, Delilah Infeld.

- And we should leave it at that.
- Yeah.

Well, thanks to your new case

and partially due to other factors,

I have renewed my interest
in the supernatural.

What awaits us on the other side?

What other factors?

Devote whatever resources
you want to the Parkers' case.

They deserve it.

And keep me informed

of any developments on the supernatural.

Ah!

[Laughs]

You really are a son of a...

Does this dress make me look...

You need to chill out.

Chubbier than... Here. Start drinking.

Here. Fine. Thank you.

You know, maybe she's not coming.

[Chuckles] Or maybe she's dead.

No. Not that I would wish that on anyone.

I'm just saying, maybe she's...

Just keep drinking. Keep drinking.

Mm. [Squeals]

No, no. She's alive,
and she's with the Dean.

Ugh. Teacher's pet?

More than teacher's pet.

More like a marsupial
that crawled up his ass.

I don't think you understand
how marsupials work.

There's a pouch. [Squeals]

Hi!

Hi! [Laughs]

Wow.

I was hoping you'd come.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

Wonderful of you to make it, uh...

[Stammers] A-A-Anita.

Anita Haskins?

You wrote my recommendation
letter to Hartman-Frank.

Oh. How nice of me.

Well, it wouldn't be a reunion
without you here, Angela.

Dean Casseday, Damien Karp.

I've, uh... I've seen your, uh, humor column

in the American Society of Arbitration.

Oh, yes. [Chuckles]

What's the difference between,

um... between a mediator
[Chuckles] and a cowboy?

Um... I don't know.

A cowboy doesn't have to
put up with as much bullshit?

Oh. Guess you've heard that one.

[Chuckles] Is th... Is this your guy?

- Actually, uh, we are work colleagues.
- Mm-hmm.

So where can I get a
vodka Martini around here?

All right, now you're talking.

- Let's hit the bar.
- Lead the way, young man.

Lead the way. What can I get you, Cheryl?

Oh, I have cardio box in the morning,

and my trainer would kill me
if I showed up dehydrated.

Cardio box.

Uh, just get me a Martini, too... a double.

- Karp: Sounds good.
- Ah, Anita,

I so admire your choice
in horizontal stripes.

Oh, oh, t-thank you.

I mean, they make most
women look a lot heavier.

[Chuckling] Not that you
have to worry about that.

Mnh-mnh. No. Mnh-mnh. No.

But, you know, can't be too careful.

Ooh! [Chuckles]

That would be the difference
between a ghost and a demon.

Oh, I don't care about...

Hey, what's new with the case?

I struck out with P.I.G.

They're investigating an
apparition in Bavaria,

but Lisa's a certified tracker.

Dibs, by the way.

- What?
- Dibs. On Lisa.

Come on. Come on.

Lisa, meet Jared and Peter,
the guys I told you about.

You work for Dan?

Great boss.

- Okay, yeah.
- Yeah.

I checked the Heathbrooke.

It's hot. We're talking amityville levels.

I walked the house using
a full-spectrum camera

and microphones with an XHQ setting.

Extreme high quality. Impressive.

Raise a hand when you hear something.

There's nothing yet.

That time I heard something.

Will you stop?

[Groans] No, no, no, no, no.

I'm out. I'm out.

Jared: Come on.

[Bottle cap pops, rattles]

[ Indistinct talking]

Okay, what the hell?

Told you.

Lisa's the real deal holyfield.

Okay, Silmas' people are
gonna have this analyzed,

- so if this is a fake...
- It's real.

We cut as much ambient sound

as we could.

Listen again.

[Keyboard clacking]

[Indistinct talking]

Sounded like "Super Fly."

Why would a ghost say "Super Fly"?

'Cause it's an awesome movie
and an even better soundtrack.

I sent it to my boyfriend
Jacques for further analysis.

Sorry, buddy.

He thinks it's a warning.

"Trepidation."

- Jared: Peter.
- Yeah?

I'm not saying it's real,

but if we can get Lisa to
play that for the jury,

get them as scared as you are.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sounds good.

Okay...

[Laughs]

Dan: [Grunts]

First lesson... always be prepared.

How long you spend setting that up?

Six hours.

You know what I'm gonna say,
and you're not gonna like it.

No. No, no, no. No way.

If we want to enter Lisa's video,

we have to see for ourselves.

We're going to the house.

Tonight.

Hope I didn't alarm you.

I've stared down the
black monk of pontefract.

I can handle a krag bolo bowie knife.

You know your steel. I like that.

I do like that one. Thanks, Dean.

Just a colleague, huh?

Uh, well, I have to maintain
my reputation at the firm.

Oh, classic Anita.

Always armed with the
perfect excuse to stay single.

[Chuckles] Well, you would know.

No one knows more about
marriages than you, right?

How many is it now? Three?

And a mediator is always
on thin ice, you see?

[Chuckles] Oh.

Oh, wow. They have a chocolate fountain.

We should investigate that.

Oh, you should go ahead, Anita.

I know you can't resist.

Anita: You know what? That's it.

Let's go.

- I'm... I'm sorry. Go where?
- Mm-hmm. You know what?

Friends do not screw each other over

and then pretend like it didn't happen.

Oh, you're not still
angry about that, are you?

The only reason that you beat me
is because you stole my research.

You don't win moot court
because of research.

- It's how you argue it.
- Casseday: Ladies, ladies.

This isn't the proper forum

for any argument right now.

No, Dean. It's okay. We're not arguing.

If we were arguing, I woul already won.

Right, Anita?

You robbed me, and everybody here knows it.

I don't understand what
you're getting so upset about.

- Oh, you don't?
- No.

But, really, you shouldn't make that face.

Your forehead. [Scoffs]

My face? My face?

I'm gonna turn your bitchy resting face

into a bitchy rest-in-peace face.

Okay, okay.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

- Easy, easy, okay?
- Hey, hey.

Let's go to our safe zones. Safe zones.

All right.

You know, I think there's
a better way to solve this.

In the spirit of this
wonderful moot court reunion,

I suggest that we retry

Wilmington V. Broadview, was it?

Yes, yes. A grudge match.

We'll, uh, settle settle
the score once and for all.

[Chuckles] I'm in.

Anytime, anyplace.

Moot-moot court it is.

[Sighs]

[Dog barks in distance]

Yeah, so I-I'll meet you guy's out here.

Yeah.

Good.

More mobility for me and Jared.

We remain tied together in
case the house is a portal

and the camera may be the only thing

that we leave behind for them to find us.

- A portal?
- Yep.

To another dimension or to hell.

Right. I've seen "Poltergeist."

Area 51, man. I've seen the proof.

Dude, that's aliens.

Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.

I'll pass on the rope.

Well, suit yourself.

Aw, man.

[Door creaks]

[Door closes]

[Creaking]

You scared?

No.

- Are you sure?
- [Sniffs]

Stop. That's not me.

[Sniffing]

Smells like sulfur.

It's the smell of evil.

Shh.

I don't hear anything.

Stop breathing.

I'll die.

Hold your breath. [Inhales sharply]

[Clanking]

Rats. T-that's probably just rats.

This place probably has a lot of rats.

Maybe we should get out of here.

To get away from the rats?

Okay.

Yeah, 'cause of the rats.

Okay, the matter of Tom and
Denise Parker, I've read...

Dan: Can you say that again, Your Honor?

Sorry. Just reloading.

Dude, shut up.

Judge Perry: Ms. Appel, if
you have any objection

to these proceedings being filmed,

I'd entertain them.

We are confident that a public hearing

will demonstrate Ms. Silmas'
sterling business record.

Gentlemen, what's your pleasure?

Peter: Thank you, Your Honor.

We call to the stand

our paranormal expert Lisa Englender.

She's going to exhibit...

Uh, we object.

I object.

Calm down. You're doing great.

Thanks. I'm a little nervous.

The basis of your objection?

Uh... under the Kelly-fry cases,

in order for an expert to testify,

they have to be qualified in
an accepted field of science.

Ghost hunting is not one.

That's what they said
about gravity, Your Honor,

till Galileo got hit in
the head with the apple.

Louis Pasteur wouldn't
have been stoned to death

for inventing milk.

There is so much wrong with that,

I'm not sure where to start.

How long do we have to
listen to this sideshow?

Peter: Sideshow? How dare you?

And just for the record,

sideshows are an American pastime

dating all the way back...

Do you want to be the first judge

to allow ghosts in court?

No.

Ms. Englender's testimony won't be allowed.

We'll recess until tomorrow,

at which time, I'll expect to hear testimony

of a non-supernatural nature.

Uh, and... sorry. Just one more thing.

Another?

Peter [Clears throat] uh, Mr. Bash

and Franklin approached my client

directly after they knew
she had a lawyer, me.

All right, this whole
"babe in the woods" thing's

- starting to get old.
- Yeah.

Violation of rule of court 47(B).

Your Honor, we were just hitting golf balls.

At a private club.

I got this, Ms. Silmas.

I'm ordering sanctions in the
amount of $2,500 each.

We're now in recess.

Sorry.

Can I borrow 2,500 bucks?

It's not over.

But you said that if the
jury saw the tape, we'd win.

It'll be fine, honey.

Hey, we've found Irina kruskal.

She's the woman that sold the
property to Silmas in the '90s.

And hopefully she said something to Silmas

about the haunted history of the house.

This could be good news, guys.

Hang in there.

[Knock on door]

[Clears throat]

What do you want?

Hi. Dan Mundy... P.I. I called earlier.

[Locks clicking]

Come on in.

[Gags] Pungent.

Sangerete. Pig's blood pudding.

I wanted to talk to you
about the Heathbrooke.

[Both chuckle]

There's a word my grandmother used to say...

Amriya... "Cursed."

You sold to Freddie Silmas in 1996, correct?

Oh. You're looking for Irina Lottye Kruskal.

I am Irina Tanya.

Lottye is my grandmother.

She sold the Heathbrooke,
but she's, um, moved on.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Did she ever talk about
her dealings with Silmas?

Silmas said she wasn't afraid of ghosts.

Ghosts...

Should be afraid of her.

Sounds like something Silmas would say.

Our investigator's report,

the granddaughter told him,

and I'm quoting,

"one night, granny told me,

"after an extra glass of absinthe,

"something horrible happened summer of '27.

Then she passed out."

"Passed out." Is that part of the quote,

or did the granddaughter

actually pass out in front of Mundy?

Unclear.

So this is good news.

Silmas knew about the haunting?

We just can't use it in court.

Irina Lottye's dead.

Without her, it's hearsay.

[Sighs]

This whole thing was my idea.

Hey, it was our idea.

We're gonna find jobs.

We're gonna be okay.

Jared: Guys, this is just round one.

It's more like round 7,
but it's a 15-round fight.

Our investigator got this
journal from Irina Tanya.

Tom: It looks old.

She just gave it to him?

He got it from her. Let's
just leave it at that.

No, I told him. Stealing
journals from gypsies?

I mean, come on, dude.

You think it's cursed?
Yeah, I do think it's...

- I curse you.
- Knock it off.

Take it back.

What language is this?

Romany... gypsy.

Irina T. doesn't know who it belongs to,

so we have to get it translated.

Do you know someone who speaks gypsy?

As a matter of fact, we do.

Ah.

- Uh, listen, I finished this translation.
- Great.

And by the way, where did you learn Romany?

I'm half gypsy on my mother's side.

Whose journal was it?

It doesn't say.

She was a 10-year-old child,

loved licorice, wrote about it incessantly.

Thunderingly dull read.

Anything about someone getting killed there?

Anything violent?

No. Nothing like that.

Oh, there were a few missing pages

from the summer of 1927.

That's when Irina T.'s grandmother

said something horrible happened.

Anything more of a supernatural nature

that you might have encountered?

You know as much as we do.

Sir, do you mind if we ask

about your sudden interest in the afterlife?

No, I don't mind at all.

Oh. Okay.

[Clears throat] [Sighs]

Ahh.

Oh.

Hey, dude, where's Mundy?

He's running down
Lottye's death certificate...

See if we can get around the hearsay ruling.

Ah, get her testimony in
as a dying declaration.

- Mm-hmm.
- I like it.

Kind of like you like Bonnie.

What? I don't like Bonnie.

Why are we talking about Bonnie?

'Cause she's here.

Hey, Bonnie!

Bonnie: Hi, guys.

What are you doing here?

Uh, I wanted to talk to...

What are you doing?

Nothing. We're just prepping for tomorrow

'cause someone kicked
our butts in court today.

Well, great place.

You want to take a tour?

I think you can see Saturn tonight.

Absolutely.

Smooth.

Give Bonnie a tour.

After you. Thank you.

Amazing.

Remember, you guys have a curfew!

Shut up, dad!

That's adorable.

One last piece of lawyerly advice.

I'm not sure you need it, but shoot.

How do you handle it when...

you represent someone you don't really like,

who you know is wrong?

Talking about Freddie Silmas.

I compartmentalize.

You know, push it aside, do my job.

I feel like crap afterwards,

so usually I do something stupid

that I end up regretting later.

That works for you?

Almost never.

So, you're seeing that lawyer
at your firm, Ellen Swatello?

Not anymore.

How come?

Just... making sure that you
are not compartmentalizing.

So, Saturn is the third star...

You have no idea where it is, do you?

I don't even know if it's a star.

I think it's a planet.

Can I get you another drink?

Uh, I should probably get going.

Right.

See you in court?

Absolutely.

Casseday: Take your seats,
please, everybody.

Thank you very much. Thank you very much.

Welcome to the retrial of moot court 2009,

and I'm very happy to say
that this year's winner

will win a signed edition
of my legal briefs.

[Chuckles] Legal briefs.

Anyway, let me introduce

my co-judge for this
evening, Mr. Damien Karp.

[Applause]

You didn't have to wear a robe.

Oh, it was no trouble whatsoever.

Apparently not.

Uh, we will be arguing a new topic today.

Oh.

We... we researched
Wilmington v. Broadfield.

You afraid to think on your feet?

Oh, I can win this in my sleep.

Then it's agreed.

The law recognizes privilege

between doctor and patient or spouse,

but should the confidence
between one's closest friend

also be deemed privileged?

Casseday: Anita Haskins
will argue the affirmative.

Cheryl Koch, the negative.

Ms. Haskins?

We tell our deepest secrets
to our closest friends,

and I contend that that alone
warrants special privilege.

Friendship is too broad a
concept to constrain it all,

especially between closest
friends who work together,

get crazy on spring break together,

share makeup and clothes and guys,

and expect nothing in return.

You know, you might require said co-workers

to actually be nice to one another.

Which would discriminate against
those content not to be nice.

And what if the friendship is one-sided?

Would this magical new
law require reciprocation?

No, just a conscience. [Scoffs]

And if you agree with her,

there's a chance you have no real friends.

[Snores]

Next question.

Oh, just got an e-mail from Bonnie.

She's gonna file a motion

to exclude any testimony from Irina.

What?

Says "no hearsay exemptions apply,"

including dying declarations.

How did she even know we were
gonna call Irina as a witness?

It's like she's anticipating our moves.

She got a copy of our playbook.

You were hanging out with her earlier.

Come on. You serious?

If you didn't tell her,

who's feeding her information?

Maybe she's just kicking
our butts fair and square.

Come on. Us?

[Both chuckle]

Let's get back to work.

[Indistinct whispering]

Hey.

Can we get over this?

Can you admit that you stole my research?

[Chuckles, sighs]

Look, you cemented your clerkship already.

I didn't think it mattered to you.

So you're saying that
you couldn't have beat me

without my research.

I mean, if that's the
way you want to hear it.

Casseday: We have a winner.

We have arrived at a verdict.

No... no need.

I forfeit.

[Spectators murmur]

I miss the privilege of our friendship.

Oh. What? No!

Okay, you do not get off that easy.

What... what do you mean?

I quit. You win. You win!

No. I win because I won.

All right? Okay?

So, who won?

My God.

Moot court is adjourned.

[Muttering]

Hey, Dan.

What's going on?

Good news.

Silmas sent us so much paperwork,

it'd take 20 paralegals a
month to break it down.

How's that good news?

You've got me.

There's nothing here about the Heathbrooke.

But from these seemingly useless documents,

a pattern about other deals
Silmas has done before.

Now, you wanted the haunted house?

This gets it for you.

This is good.

With this, if we can't
bring the ghost to court...

Then we bring the court to the ghost.

So, Ms. Silmas, you never heard anything

about the Heathbrooke being haunted?

Not until I was sued two years
after I sold it to the Parkers.

[Coughing] Bullshit.

I know what a tough business real estate is.

I've made my share of mistakes.

But you have to have the
integrity to live with them.

And not look for rich scapegoats.

Objection. Argumentative.

Withdrawn. Nothing further.

Ms. Silmas, you mentioned integrity as if...

Well, as if you had it.

I do.

Objection.

Withdrawn.

In your business, you're
totally transparent.

Like a ghost.

Mr. Bash.

Sorry, Your Honor.

Forget about ghosts.

Let's talk about a property
you bought in Riverside,

the Oakhurst project.

Objection.

What does that have to
do with the Heathbrooke?

Considering it was part
of a mountain of discovery

Ms. Appel tried to bury us with,

I think we're entitled to a little leeway.

Overruled. You may continue.

I remember the Oakhurst project.

So you know that it was
stopped because of a foul smell.

Faulty pipes.

There was no smell like
that at the Heathbrooke.

- You're sure?
- Positive.

In that case, Your Honor,

we'd ask for a jury field
trip to the haunted...

To the Heathbrooke.

Objection.

This is just an end-around
to try to trick the jury.

Wow. We think the jury is
way too smart to be tricked.

I mean, apparently opposing counsel

doesn't have as high an opinion as we do.

Uh, n... I... like the jury... a lot.

Your Honor, we're not
requesting the field trip

to prove the existence of ghosts.

No, Ms. Silmas said herself

there's no smell at the Heathbrooke.

We think that the jury has a right

to experience that for themselves.

Yes.

And Ms. Appel had evidence excluded

on grounds of hearsay.

There's no such thing as
a hearsmell objection.

Or is it smellsay?

Smellsay. I like that better.

Well, whatever it is, request
for jury field trip granted.

We're in recess.
Jared: Thank you, Your Honor.

Ready to go back to the Heathbrooke?

Okay if I bring a date?

As you know, we're not allowed

to say that the Heathbrooke is haunted.

Yes, but once inside, you may see things.

You... you may hear them.

You may even feel them to the very core...

I said you could give a brief introduction.

This is turning into a campfire story.

Jared: Like "The Hook."

You ever heard that one? I love that story.

When the killer's hook
is on the door handle...

I don't want to spoil it for you.

I meant "turning into a
campfire story" in a bad way.

Copy that.

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the Heathbrooke.

Judge Perry: Yeah.

Peter: Good luck.

Watch your step.

Okay.

- Watch your souls.
- Yeah.

All right, I'll meet
you out here afterwards.

Uh-huh. Whoa, dude, you got to come inside.

No, no, no. No, no.

When we took the case, you said that...

I lied.

Gentlemen, I am 10 seconds away

from calling off this field trip.

We are right behind you, Your Honor.

Come on. Come on. [Sighs]

[Indistinct conversations]

You smell that, don't you?

The smell of evil?

I was gonna say the smell of victory.

Yes. Mine.

Well, whatever happens,

it's been fun going up against you.

It has.

In fact,

I was thinking of maybe asking you out.

Well, don't think about it too long.

Just do what feels right.

Okay.

Will you go out with me?

No.

I'm kidding. I'd love to.

[Thud, people gasping]

What the hell's going on?!

All right, field trip's over.

Uh, Your Honor...

I'm not interested in...

Excuse me, Your Honor.

Holy crap!

All right, everybody, don't panic.

Ma'am?

I-is she real? [Chuckles]

The fact that Judge Perry,
a reasoned man, had to ask

tells you all you need to know
about this accursed place.

She's real. She's our final witness.

She's the woman Ms. Silmas
bought the Heathbrooke from,

Irina Lottye Kruskel.

I thought you said she was dead.

Yeah, well, apparently
when her granddaughter

said she had moved on,

she meant that she bought a year-long berth

on the Rosie O'Donnell cruise line.

Yeah, we found her yesterday.

We flew her in from Anguilla last night.

Ma'am...

Do you understand what's going on here?

What?

I'm here to say what I told
that little moosh over there

when I showed her the Heathbrooke.

She's also here to tell us
how the place became haunted

in the summer of 1927.

She can't testify to what
someone else told her...

More hearsay.

No one told me.

I was there!

She was there.

It was 1927.

I was 10 years old.

Which would make you...?

You do the math, junior.

Ilona was your best friend,

and you were supposed to
take the trolley that day

with her to the beach.

Did you go?

No.

Uh, ilona did. She...

Fell off the trolley.

They brought her to my house.

My... my father was a doctor.

There was no time to
take her to the hospital.

You wrote about that in your journal?

Yes.

And you tore the pages out?

I didn't.

Ilona did.

Or her ghost did.

Oh, God.

Objection.

Overruled.

Do you remember the instruments

your father used to try to save Ilona?

She used his trepanning saw.

Trepanning. Trepan...

That's what the voice was saying!

Sounds like "trepidation."

One more outburst, gentlemen...

Oh, I'm sorry, Your Honor.

I'm just a little fright... frightened.

I think the jury is, as well.

Your Honor, I have here a certified copy

of the death certificate
for Ilona Maksimovich.

August 23, 1927.

'27.

Site of death, the Heathbrooke Hotel.

All right. Okay. I've heard enough.

Thank you for your testimony, ma'am.

Oh, you're welcome.

If I were you,

I'd have a serious conversation
with my client, Ms. Appel.

Yes, Your Honor.

Oh, wow.

- That went well.
- [Scoffing] Yeah.

My client is pretty unhappy with me. Sorry.

I'm not.

- Can we get this over with?
- Yeah, depends.

Did you bring your checkbook?

My client is prepared to pay
back the full purchase price,

as well as the Parkers'
expenses and your fee.

Plus you have to pay to fly Irina

back to her cruise ship first class.

Draw up the paperwork.

- One more provision.
- What's that?

We'd like to keep the
house for one more night.

Fine.

But I'll need a cleaning deposit.

[Imitates golf ball striking]

[Sighs]

You know what? You looked up a little early.

I did. Yeah. That's why it went to the left.

Yeah, I know.

♪ I'm on another level ♪

♪ When I get supercharged,
I'm on another level ♪

Tom: Excuse us, ladies.

You guys did it.

Hey, hey.

W-we don't know how to thank you.

Well, take the money,
find an unhaunted place,

- and follow your dreams.
- We will.

And in the meantime, it is a party,

so enjoy yourselves.

- Peter: Enjoy.
- We'll do that, too.

All right.

Whoa, whoa. Dude.

That's the founder of the Chive.

Wait a minute. I thought we
didn't win the hottest lawyer.

Maybe there was a recount.

No way.

Peter: John Resig!

Franklin and Bash.

Jared: Welcome to the party!

He even recognized us.

You are forgiven for the
mix-up with the voting,

and we appreciate...

There was no mix-up,

but you guys were great.

We followed the haunted-house case,

and there was no way we
were gonna miss this party.

You've given our party the
Chive seal of approval.

Wow!

Dude, we we tally thinking, what about a...

Like, a legal blog on your site, right?

Yeah, that'd be amazing.

It's a party.

Both: Yeah.

- It was his idea.
- That's what I told him.

It was a lame idea.

I said, "what you shouldn't
do is a legal blog."

Please, enjoy yourselves.

Enjoy yourself, guys. Go.

Mind the gap.

Make some room for them.

- And you enjoy.
- Make some room.

You enjoy.

♪ I get supercharged ♪

♪ I-I-I get down, get dirty ♪

I lost moot court ain?

I told you it was better if
you didn't know the ruling.

Yes, but I deserved to win this time.

Well, then that's all that matters.

No, what matters is that you
were going to rule against me.

I was a judge. I had to stay unbiased.

- Mm-hmm.
- But you did win something.

I'm gonna turn your bitchy resting face

into a bitchy rest-in-peace face.

Eloquence and brains
plus passion equals hot.

Congratulations.

You are the Chive's
hottest lawyer of the year.

[Gasps] Yeah, she is!

I am so flattered!

- Damien, did you submit me?
- I did.

[Squeals] Oh.

Oh, I am so posting this
to Cheryl's Facebook page.

All right, don't go crazy.

I just couldn't let Bash and Franklin win.

S-so, John, d-d-did we
crack the top 10, at least?

We don't take team submissions.

[Chuckling] Ah.

Yeah. Well, keep calm and Chive on.

Peter, where's Jared?

He invited me to this crack house.

Uh, he's busy with Bonnie.

Oh, opposing counsel.

Sleeping with the enemy.

Well, I wouldn't want to interrupt that.

Listen, I wanted to tell you

that, uh, I've got some
pressing engagements.

I'm going to be out of town for a while.

Okay. We'll hold the fort down.

How long you gonna be gone for?

Well, that depends, my friend.

It depends.

♪ Beautiful, beautiful ♪

♪ Give me your affection ♪

♪ I need your attention ♪

♪ Come on, lean in close
little love, little love ♪

Okay, now I officially have
nothing left to teach you.

Maybe there are a few things
that I could teach you.

I have no doubt.

Another time.

I better go, make sure I still have a job.

Right. I'll call you.

You better.

Goodnight, Peter.

Goodnight, Bonnie.

Well, well.

Yep. Look at you.

She doesn't abuse me like Swatello.

She's just... good.

Which is why I give it one week.

You saying I only like crazy women?

I'm saying you're the one who's crazy.

I'm crazy? You're... I'm not
the one who's afraid of ghosts.

Hey, look, a healthy dose of
fear never hurt anybody, okay?

Peter, I will smack you in the face.

- Look who's all puffed up.
- I will slap you in the brain.

[Sighs] How much footage is left?

18 hours. Shh!

Isn't Jacques going to miss you?

Jacques doesn't own me.

No man should. You're a wild stallion.

Stallions are male, but I get the idea.

Have you ever had sex in a haunted house?

Is that a rhetorical question?

Because I don't do well
with rhetorical que...

♪ Beautiful, beautiful ♪

♪ Give me your affection ♪

♪ I need your attention ♪

♪ Come on, lean in close
little love, little love ♪

♪ Let's dance while we're still young ♪

♪ Love while we're still strong ♪

♪ Come on ♪

[Static]