Frankie Boyle's New World Order (2017–…): Season 6, Episode 1 - Episode #6.1 - full transcript
This program me contains strong
language and adult humour.
Please welcome to the stage,
Frankie Boyle.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Hello and welcome to the new series
of New World Order.
An interesting time to be starting
a topical comedy show.
I've started to wonder
if this government is so obsessed
with fracking
because they're trying release
Thatcher's soul from hell.
LOUD LAUGHTER
Here's your new leader.
Liz Truss has resigned.
Liz Truss, a woman who looks
like she masturbates
to pictures of new-build houses.
She had a kind of glaikit
look about her, didn't she?
Do you know what she reminded me of?
Do you remember there was always
one kid at school
who wasn't allowed to take the
school hamster home.
Kwasi Kwarteng resigned.
Kwasi Kwarteng was a sort
of sixth version
of Howard from the Halifax ads.
Kwasi Kwarteng went first
because he was the black guy
in a horror movie.
And then Suella Braverman resigned,
but not before she steered through
her draconian anti-protest bill.
Suella Braverman said that she
was worried
that protesters were draining
police time.
In fact, officers are now so busy
that women across London
are going unattacked.
Nicola Sturgeon was accused
of attacking Conservative voters.
And I don't think
that she did really.
She was asked what she thought of
the government and she said,
"I detest the Tories and all they
stand for."
Now, to me there's a difference
between the Tories, the government,
and Tories, Conservative voters.
In the same way that there's a
difference between paedophiles
and people who just fancy kids.
Harvey Weinstein is about to go
on trial in New York.
He's accused of assaulting
seven women.
His defence says it was all
consensual.
And I think the jury will take
a look at Harvey Weinstein
and go, "No."
OK, let's go on with the show.
Joining me tonight to discuss
the week's big topics
are Richard Osman, Sophie Duker,
Suzy McCabe and Josie Long.
Welcome aboard.
Oh, thank you.
What a mad time.
Oh, my God! It's so exciting.
I feel pumped, I feel a weird
energy.
I feel like anything could happen.
And none of it is good.
There's no good options.
There's nothing exciting
around the corner.
So you just have to take
your joys where you can.
You have to be like,
"She's been humiliated."
Don't think about tomorrow.
I should point out that the time
we're recording,
absolutely none of us has an idea of
the result
of the Fulham, Aston Villa
match this evening.
We absolutely...
Listen, we hope for a Fulham win.
We don't know.
2-1 Fulham.
If that works out, that'll
look really weird in the edit.
2-1 Fulham and
nuclear war with Russia.
Do you know what?
I take it for the three points.
Should we get on with discussing
this shits how? OK.
First motion is...
Liz Truss has resigned to take
up her new and exciting job
as the face of euthanasia.
The Government's current thinking
seems to be that we can't
have a cost of living crisis
if we're not alive.
Liz Truss, despite being the sort
of person who'd struggle
to open a baby bell,
bet Rishi Sunak in a poll of
Conservative members
and it'd be fun to know how many of
those ballot papers just read
"the white one".
Truss's ideology?
Growth, growth, growth,
the same philosophy as cancer.
But then Kwasi Kwarteng had to leave
the job of Chancellor
before he new the Wi-Fi code,
after delivering a mini budget
that was the economics equivalent
of Jumanji.
Are you worried about this,
Richard? Are you enjoying it?
It's fascinating. I mean, it is
difficult predicting what's
going to happen
because they've set this threshold
now of 100 MPs have got
to vote for you.
But whether, if we don't get
two people across that threshold,
which is very possible, we might
already have
the new Prime Minister on Monday.
It's going to be a vote
of Conservative members online,
so basically the Prime Minister
is being chosen
by the comment section of the
Daily Mail.
What do you think should happen,
Suzy?
I think we put the lettuce in charge
and make Larry the cat Chancellor.
I know this isn't going to happen,
but I would love it
if it was the Queen.
I know it's not.
But it be a beautiful twist,
wouldn't it?
And again, if that happens,
you're really going to look amazing.
If Fulham win and the Queen...
When Liz Truss won the Conservative
leadership contest, I lost £5
because I puked so hard
that I shat myself.
Prior to becoming leader,
Truss's most memorable moment
was this awkward and unsettling
speech
given to the Conservative Party
conference in 2014.
At the moment, we import two
thirds of all of our apples.
We import nine tenths
of all of our pears.
That is a disgrace.
From the apples that dropped
on Isaac Newton's head
to the orchards of nursery rhymes
this fruit has always been part
of Britain.
It's been part of our country.
I want our children to grow up
knowing the taste of a
British apple...
...of Cornish sardines
of Herefordshire pears,
of Norfolk turkey,
of Melton Mowbray pork pies,
and, of course,
of black pudding.
Who would have predicted
that would end badly?
It was sort of like a six-year-old
had put on her mum's suit jacket
to pretend to be a politician.
"I am the Prime Minister
of politics
and I like apples.”
So looked like Fearne Cotton
had dropped an acid.
And also, did you see how animated
the Conservatives got
at the mention of eating blood?
I do feel that she's part
of a long game,
which is, cos I'm a socialist
and I think about her dad
and her dad's a socialist,
and I just want to say to him,
"You wait your 47 years
to pull this off
and you did a beautiful job.
You destroyed the Conservative Party
and I'm proud of you."
Eventually this government
will become tricky
pub quiz questions.
Who is the Chancellor who served
for the shortest time?
And who is the Prime Minister
who seemed to have
some kind of brain parasite?
But let's not forget that Truss
assembled a cabinet
of fringe ideologues and free market
fruitcakes,
one of the most radical of which
was Suella Braverman.
Here she gives a Daily Telegraph
podcast audience a chilling insight
into her hopes and dreams
for immigration.
Why can't you stop
the small boats coming?
It's a deeply entrenched
and complex problem.
That's a simple answer,
and I would love to be here saying,
well, claiming victory.
I would love to be having
a front page of the Telegraph
with a flight, a plane taking
off to Rwanda.
That's my dream, that's my dream.
When will that happen?
When will it happen? Listen, you've
got to ask the courts about that.
By Christmas?
Um, that would be amazing,
but if I'm honest, I think
it's going to take long.
SUZY: She's a Buddhist.
No! She is. Is she?
She's like a mystery shopper
stress testing Buddhism.
APPLAUSE
Can you imagine in the morning
her man just being like,
"Listen, love...
...get the Tibetan singing ball
out and do some stretches,
cos see if you go out the door
in that mood,
you're gonnae commit
mass genocide today.”
They are getting more right
wing, aren't they?
Well, this is it. Listen, the
Institute for Economic Affairs,
who've been behind all of these
people for years and years and
years, 20 years,
and they've sort of been behind the
scenes, behind the scenes with
Brexit
and they're a libertarian
think tank, which you're absolutely
perfectly allowed to be,
and they've been behind the scenes
and they've had people
in positions of power.
They finally had everyone.
They finally had the Prime Minister,
the Chancellor, the Home Secretary,
people who were their people
finally had the chance to have their
agenda,
which is the libertarian agenda,
very, very low tax,
all that kind of stuff.
And it lasted a month.
They finally thought, "Here
we go, our crowning glory."
And it's the single most abject
failure pretty much
in the history of British politics.
There's a chance we might all
end up in Rwanda, isn't there?
Like, most of the country.
That's kind of normalised now,
isn't it?
We talk about some of these
really mad right-wing things
as if they're fairly normal.
I think it's fair to say
that most of the Tory Party
would agree with you.
Most of the Tory party,
all the one-nation Tories,
the ones they got rid of,
everyone who's been fired.
They said, "Look, there's this very,
very right-wing cabal who've taken
"us over and then they've managed
to take the country over,
"and we don't like it either.”
And would be very happy that this
experiment has failed, I suspect.
But at the same time, it's like
they've already managed to push
for a law that says if you've ever
supported a protest, they can put
an ankle tag on you.
I mean, you call it an ankle tag.
In Scotland, we call that
a Glasgow Rolex.
LAUGHTER
Back in 1993, when I became chairman
of the Gorbals
Young Conservatives...
LAUGHTER
...it was a glorious time
to be a Tory.
John Major was in his pomp,
and his cabinet were my Sex Pistols,
my Rolling Stones.
I had posters of Kenneth Clark
and Michael Portillo on my bedroom
wall, which, believe it or not,
we're a big hit with both my sexual
partners of the decade,
Kenneth Clarke and Michael Portillo.
LAUGHTER
But I look at the dismal Tory front
bench today and I despair.
At this year's
party conference in Birmingham
energy levels hit a new low
during the echoey, monotonous speech
of Deputy Leader Therese Coffey.
Here's a dull clip.
The waiting list, for planned care
made worse by the pandemic
currently stands at about
seven million.
This includes people waiting
for diagnosis to know if they need
any treatment at all.
While in England, we have now
virtually eliminated waits
of over two years,
we are speeding up our plans to roll
out community diagnostic centres,
as well as new hospitals.
LAUGHTER
I think it's pessimistic to think
that those people are asleep.
I'm an optimist.
I like to think that there's
been a deadly carbon monoxide leak.
I just don't get
what they'll care about.
Like, she's talking about the NHS.
It's literally life and death stuff,
and they're just all basically...
SHE MIMICS SNORING
Although we're focusing on the sleep
there was a guy who very clearly
picked his ear, looked at it,
and then ate it.
I swear to God!
Therese Coffey might be
in the same boat as me,
like, sartorially.
I think, like, if the Queer Eye team
turned up,
they'd shoot us both dead.
I would pay very good money to see
you and Therese Coffey on Queer Eye.
I always get a hard time off my
daughter for crying at Queer Eye.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Like a really hard time.
She's like, "Ehh. Look at you!"
I feel like you've just ruined
an illusion to everybody
in that audience.
You a fan of Therese Coffey?
I met her once, Therese Coffey.
We went to the House of Commons.
There was, like, a business
and television thing.
And she was one of the few
people who invited us
all to the Commons Bar.
And we didn't speak politics at all.
I genuinely remember
having quite a good time.
I didn't think at any point,
I bet you'll be Deputy Prime
Minister one day.
I certainly didn't think that.
But I did think, thank you for all
of those heavily subsidised drinks.
That's very kind of you.
Look, I'm in a quandary, right,
because, like -
can you can you do jokes that are
just about appearance?
Do you know what I mean?
It seems hack now.
But at the same time, you're like,
well, there's a Health Secretary
who looks like they put gravy
on their cereal.
LAUGHTER
Well, that's enough about Tories.
What a depressing and hideous
spiral of horror.
Next up, the monarchy has no place
in a decent society, which is why
it works so well in Britain.
For me, the death of the Queen was
like the death of a family member
in that I thought I'd care
more than I did.
LAUGHTER
Many people were genuinely upset,
and that's understandable
because the Queen was essentially
an imaginary friend for grown-ups.
King Charles has looked emotional
lately, perhaps thinking
about how much less ceremony
there will be when he dies later
in the year.
If he goes during the World Cup,
he might not even make the news.
Prince Andrew wasn't allowed
to wear his military uniform
at the funeral. He had to wear a
tracksuit and a Fix It badge.
LAUGHTER
I got invited to the Royal Jubilee.
They sent me a letter and they said,
"Do you want to come
to the Royal Jubilee?
We're having a parade of
national treasures." Yeah.
And I've never read something before
where I've been so overwhelmed
with the feeling that my work
has been misunderstood.
LAUGHTER
Yeah. They said, would I like to
go on the 1970s bus?
I thought, of all the buses,
come on.
That's going to be fairly empty.
Most of them are in jail!
LAUGHTER
Did you get overwhelmed by grief?
I very carefully had no
reaction to the Queen's death.
It was a real exercise in not
saying anything, not tweeting,
just disappearing into my own life
for a bit.
I think it was a good time
to exercise a certain amount
of caution for comedians.
I genuinely could not have given
less of a fuck.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
My view of the whole thing is
I quite like what the monarchy
represents in this country going
forward, but I only like them
if Susie's also allowed to say
she doesn't give a fuck.
They do actually have an important
role to play in a democracy, but not
if you're then not allowed to say
anything about them, if you know
what I mean,
some of them more than others.
I think my view is, like,
a little bit...not that.
LAUGHTER
Josie, you surprise me.
It's so weird, modernity, isn't it?
Because I wouldn't have predicted
my reaction to the Queen dying
would be muting the social media
of Paddington Bear.
LAUGHTER
When it was finally confirmed
that the Queen had died,
tributes to her character
and long service were everywhere.
Here's one of my favourites,
delivered with charmingly
scatter-gun enthusiasm
by Ex-England footballer and
Jamiroquai fan Ray Parlour
from behind his sparklingly clean
home bar.
How is everyone? Great weekend
hopefully you're having.
A great night last night for myself
in Worthing, having a good time.
Thanks to all the guys who turned
up and had a really good time.
But it's also a sad weekend
because obviously the passing
of the Queen, unbelievable lady.
It's got to be a Cobra bomb
for the Queen.
I'm sure she didn't drink Cobra
bombs.
I'm sure she had a little tipple
somewhere along the line.
Even if she don't like Cobra,
I'm sure she'll be looking down,
hopefully, and saying, "Oh, thanks,
Ray, I really appreciate that."
Here we go.
Really admired her,
all through her years, 70 years.
What was it? Something like that -
70 years on the throne.
So, unbelievable.
So as I did to my dad back
in the day when he passed away...
...all I can say, rest in peace.
APPLAUSE
It's quite touching, really.
Here's the interesting thing I think
about that, is, he does a thing
about the Queen, Ray,
and just right at the end
he mentions his dad.
And that's what he's really talking
about all the way through.
But he's not capable of it, has to
go via the Queen, which I think
was the case for lots of people.
You know, I think some of us
can't face grief straight on.
And the Queen, I think, unleashed
a lot of that for a lot of people.
Well, this might sound cynical.
LAUGHTER
But I sort of think Ray Parlour
finds an excuse to do that
a lot of days.
LAUGHTER
I think he's, like, scouring
The Times' obituary column going,
"Professor Hawking,
I don't know what you drank
"or if you could drink, but let's,
for the sake of argument,
"say it was a Jager bomb."
I thought he was very sensitive
cos he did a shit sandwich.
He was like, "Well, I had a great
night out. The Queen did die.
"Now listen, happy birthday!"
It was like, just bring it up,
bring it down again.
The Scots have always loved
the English monarch.
Except for most of their history.
Here's...
LAUGHTER
...a pithy report of one defiant
Scottish chip shop owner who ever
so slightly failed to conceal her
Republican leanings, as she reacted
to the Queen's demise.
Britain's fallen!
Woohoo!
CROWD BOOS
Harshly treated.
I love the sound of boos.
It's such a funny noise
cos you have to make the B. Boo!
LAUGHTER
I mean, on the one hand, if you're
going to cavort, and I think
that is the technical term, cavort
with joy at the death of an old lady
you didn't know, don't do it outside
your place of business,
in your work clothes.
But on the other hand,
all I really care about is,
is her scampi good?
I don't care about her politics.
We're always saying we've got to
separate the art from the artists -
separate the woman
from her battered sausage.
I also feel like it's a very small
town, so whilst they're, like,
hounding her out of town now,
on Friday night, when they all want
a fish supper, there's going to be
a lot of reconciliation in the air.
You know?
There's a lot of people in that town
who won't eat fish on a Friday,
Josie, let me tell you.
LAUGHTER
The Queen's extraordinary 70-year
reign stretched back to a time
when Winston Churchill was Prime
Minister and homosexuality
was much more fun.
I hate the lack of jeopardy when
cruising for trade these days
and spend a good deal of
my free time lobbying for
anti-gay legislation.
God, how I miss the sound of
a police whistle when I'm
white-knuckling a tree trunk
in Kelvingrove Park.
LAUGHTER
But I digress.
Whilst the Queen gave many decades
of ceremonial service
to the United Kingdom, her death
sparked wider conversations
around colonialism
and the Commonwealth,
as seen in this heated
and uncomfortable clash.
There are many people
who are queenists,
they're not monarchists -
they liked her.
They're either bored
with the institution
or think that it needs to change
or aren't going to be
that into the next king.
Give us your evaluation of that.
I think that's wildly overstated,
frankly.
I think when you look
at all the opinion polls,
we're about 80-85% in favour of
having a constitutional monarchy,
whoever's in...on the throne.
So I think
this is extremely overdone.
There are many people in the world,
many millions of people,
I don't know
if you have social media,
but you should check it out,
who don't think we should be
celebrating the British monarchy
right now. Erm...
And many in Britain, by the way,
many in Britain.
No, not many in Britain.
Where are these people in Britain?
You know, as I say, between 10-15%
of people don't want a monarchy.
You're just prepared to discount
10 or 15% of the British population?
I think if 80 or 85% of people
believe anything,
you're far more likely
and far more right
to concentrate on them
rather than the tiny minority.
I actually think that
when there are minorities
who don't see things
the same way as everyone else,
we should actually
shine a light on them.
APPLAUSE
There was a guy who looked like
he was off to angrily
ejaculate on a stamp.
LAUGHTER
They're self-adhesive these days,
Frankie, you don't need to.
Now you tell me!
It feels like
he's never been challenged
on these views that he has.
When the American newsreader
was like,
"Social media, check it out,”
thinking it was like a dig,
he was sort of like, "Social media,
I should check it out.”
He hasn't been challenged,
like these views aren't challenged,
like he's saying,
"Who are these people speaking out?"
No-one - like, I didn't speak out
when the Queen died,
because I don't want to
lose my chip shop.
It's very important to me!
Aren't we going to have a thing
where Commonwealth countries
now leave the Commonwealth
because it's...?
Now the Queen's died,
it's like waiting for your gran
to die before you come out.
And they should be off!
The Commonwealth's like
you have a WhatsApp group
for the people you used to
keep locked in your basement.
So what should we expect
from the new monarch?
Judge for yourselves as we witness
a loss of noble composure
in this up-close clip
of King Charles I
attempting to sign
a book of condolence.
Seems happy!
No wonder he can't sign anything
with his big saveloy fingers.
It must be like a sea lion
trying to play the piano.
I just like the fact
that they'd subtitled him
because he's so posh, it counts
as a sort of speech impediment.
To be fair to Charles, that's not
a normal day for him, is it?
That's the aftermath
of his mother dying,
and he's clearly going through
the stages of grief,
so it's stage one -
anger...with a pen.
LAUGHTER
Bargaining for a new pen.
I don't think he knows the year.
I can barely remember the year these
days, to be honest, now I'm older.
There's so many twos in it
at the moment.
Do you know what?
We've had 2020, 2022...
Sometimes I think it's like 2220.
I get slightly confused
about what the date is.
There, I've said it.
I'm only looking at you, Frankie,
cos we're similar ages
and I assume you're the same.
You're the cleverest person I know -
and you don't know what the year is.
Do you think Charles
has got the job now,
and he's like, "Oh, I can't be
arsed with this shit"?
"I'm 72 now, this would have been
much fun when I was younger."
Well, it's his first job.
You know?
It's hard to take your first job
seriously.
He's probably smoking
out the back of the palace.
LAUGHTER
Well, that's the end of the show.
Thanks to my guests -
Richard Osman, Sophie Duker,
Susie McCabe and Josie Long!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
But before I go, I'd like to
leave you with this thought.
Last week I recorded an interview
for the Discovery Channel
with actor and fellow motorcycle
enthusiast Keanu Reeves
at the old saddle works
in Clyde bank,
where I keep my collection
of vintage motorbikes.
Like me,
Keanu is a massive Ducati head,
and he soon sniffed out my
recently restored 1952 Ducati 98T.
Once the camera crew
had packed up and left,
Keanu began bargaining
for the bike.
I could tell he was besotted
as he circled it,
patting and stroking the chrome
before easing down
the front of his jeans
and rubbing himself off
on the firm leather
of the bike's distinctive twin seat.
I smiled.
Ducatis have this effect on me
as well,
and I wheeled up my 1956 Bronco
so that I could be close enough
to frot myself on the handlebars
while keeping a steadying hand
on the 98T
as Keanu's humping became
more intense.
I needn't have worried,
as Keanu Reeves knows damn well
how to fuck a bike.
Keanu's sexual mastery
of the Ducati was astonishing.
He snaked himself around
and underneath the chassis,
rooting out gaps and crevices
that I'd never seen before
with his long and slender penis.
Like a monkey's tail,
it curled and prodded round
the gears and hydraulic dampeners.
So skilful was the lovemaking
that I found myself applauding
the performance
by slapping my own
much less dexterous cock
against the Bronco's head lamp.
In the end,
I gave the bike to Keanu as a gift,
and in return he gave me
a rare 1948 first edition
of George Orwell's
Nineteen Eighty-Four,
heavily annotated by Reeves himself.
A lot of people think Keanu Reeves
is just a pretty-boy actor,
but you can tell a lot about someone
by how they fuck a motorbike.
LAUGHTER
And his annotations of Orwell show
the same brilliant mind at work,
the margins full of pertinent
observations such as "Yeah"
and "Fuck yeah".
LAUGHTER
Just this morning,
in a taxi to the studio,
I was flicking through the book
and noticed one particular passage
had been underlined by Keanu.
"Nothing exists
except an endless present.”
Next to that, Reeves had drawn
a single heartbreaking teardrop.
Soon my own tears
joined it upon the page,
and I had to stop masturbating
to blow my nose.
LAUGHTER
"Nothing exists
except an endless present.”
How much truer now
than it was in 1948?
We're having arguments about
articles we haven't read
and shows we haven't seen.
Most of people's opinions
are now based on videos
that are played by an algorithm
trying to trick them into buying
an earwax-removal kit.
History is now as thoroughly fucked
as that Ducati.
God Almighty,
you should have seen him go.
LAUGHTER
I haven't even told you
what he did to the front brakes.
But I'll tell you now.
LAUGHTER
He fucked them.
LAUGHTER
Or he would have done if
he'd turned up for the interview.
But he didn't turn up,
because there wasn't one.
But then again, history is dead,
and Keanu Reeves does have
a slender penis
which curls out over
a pair of heavy, pendulous balls!
And he did once give me a 1948 first
edition of Nineteen Eighty-Four,
but he didn't write in the margins,
he's not a fucking idiot!
He's Keanu Reeves,
and I will always love him.
Goodnight.
# John and Mitchy
were getting kind of itchy
# Just to leave the folk music
behind
# Zol and Denny working for a penny
# Trying to get a fish on the line
# In a coffee house Sebastian sat
# And after every number
they'd pass the hat
# McGuinn and McGuire's
just a-getting higher
# In LA, you know where that's at
# And no-one's getting fat
except Mama Cass
# Zol, he said, Denny,
you know there aren't many
# Who can sing a song
the way that you do... #
language and adult humour.
Please welcome to the stage,
Frankie Boyle.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Hello and welcome to the new series
of New World Order.
An interesting time to be starting
a topical comedy show.
I've started to wonder
if this government is so obsessed
with fracking
because they're trying release
Thatcher's soul from hell.
LOUD LAUGHTER
Here's your new leader.
Liz Truss has resigned.
Liz Truss, a woman who looks
like she masturbates
to pictures of new-build houses.
She had a kind of glaikit
look about her, didn't she?
Do you know what she reminded me of?
Do you remember there was always
one kid at school
who wasn't allowed to take the
school hamster home.
Kwasi Kwarteng resigned.
Kwasi Kwarteng was a sort
of sixth version
of Howard from the Halifax ads.
Kwasi Kwarteng went first
because he was the black guy
in a horror movie.
And then Suella Braverman resigned,
but not before she steered through
her draconian anti-protest bill.
Suella Braverman said that she
was worried
that protesters were draining
police time.
In fact, officers are now so busy
that women across London
are going unattacked.
Nicola Sturgeon was accused
of attacking Conservative voters.
And I don't think
that she did really.
She was asked what she thought of
the government and she said,
"I detest the Tories and all they
stand for."
Now, to me there's a difference
between the Tories, the government,
and Tories, Conservative voters.
In the same way that there's a
difference between paedophiles
and people who just fancy kids.
Harvey Weinstein is about to go
on trial in New York.
He's accused of assaulting
seven women.
His defence says it was all
consensual.
And I think the jury will take
a look at Harvey Weinstein
and go, "No."
OK, let's go on with the show.
Joining me tonight to discuss
the week's big topics
are Richard Osman, Sophie Duker,
Suzy McCabe and Josie Long.
Welcome aboard.
Oh, thank you.
What a mad time.
Oh, my God! It's so exciting.
I feel pumped, I feel a weird
energy.
I feel like anything could happen.
And none of it is good.
There's no good options.
There's nothing exciting
around the corner.
So you just have to take
your joys where you can.
You have to be like,
"She's been humiliated."
Don't think about tomorrow.
I should point out that the time
we're recording,
absolutely none of us has an idea of
the result
of the Fulham, Aston Villa
match this evening.
We absolutely...
Listen, we hope for a Fulham win.
We don't know.
2-1 Fulham.
If that works out, that'll
look really weird in the edit.
2-1 Fulham and
nuclear war with Russia.
Do you know what?
I take it for the three points.
Should we get on with discussing
this shits how? OK.
First motion is...
Liz Truss has resigned to take
up her new and exciting job
as the face of euthanasia.
The Government's current thinking
seems to be that we can't
have a cost of living crisis
if we're not alive.
Liz Truss, despite being the sort
of person who'd struggle
to open a baby bell,
bet Rishi Sunak in a poll of
Conservative members
and it'd be fun to know how many of
those ballot papers just read
"the white one".
Truss's ideology?
Growth, growth, growth,
the same philosophy as cancer.
But then Kwasi Kwarteng had to leave
the job of Chancellor
before he new the Wi-Fi code,
after delivering a mini budget
that was the economics equivalent
of Jumanji.
Are you worried about this,
Richard? Are you enjoying it?
It's fascinating. I mean, it is
difficult predicting what's
going to happen
because they've set this threshold
now of 100 MPs have got
to vote for you.
But whether, if we don't get
two people across that threshold,
which is very possible, we might
already have
the new Prime Minister on Monday.
It's going to be a vote
of Conservative members online,
so basically the Prime Minister
is being chosen
by the comment section of the
Daily Mail.
What do you think should happen,
Suzy?
I think we put the lettuce in charge
and make Larry the cat Chancellor.
I know this isn't going to happen,
but I would love it
if it was the Queen.
I know it's not.
But it be a beautiful twist,
wouldn't it?
And again, if that happens,
you're really going to look amazing.
If Fulham win and the Queen...
When Liz Truss won the Conservative
leadership contest, I lost £5
because I puked so hard
that I shat myself.
Prior to becoming leader,
Truss's most memorable moment
was this awkward and unsettling
speech
given to the Conservative Party
conference in 2014.
At the moment, we import two
thirds of all of our apples.
We import nine tenths
of all of our pears.
That is a disgrace.
From the apples that dropped
on Isaac Newton's head
to the orchards of nursery rhymes
this fruit has always been part
of Britain.
It's been part of our country.
I want our children to grow up
knowing the taste of a
British apple...
...of Cornish sardines
of Herefordshire pears,
of Norfolk turkey,
of Melton Mowbray pork pies,
and, of course,
of black pudding.
Who would have predicted
that would end badly?
It was sort of like a six-year-old
had put on her mum's suit jacket
to pretend to be a politician.
"I am the Prime Minister
of politics
and I like apples.”
So looked like Fearne Cotton
had dropped an acid.
And also, did you see how animated
the Conservatives got
at the mention of eating blood?
I do feel that she's part
of a long game,
which is, cos I'm a socialist
and I think about her dad
and her dad's a socialist,
and I just want to say to him,
"You wait your 47 years
to pull this off
and you did a beautiful job.
You destroyed the Conservative Party
and I'm proud of you."
Eventually this government
will become tricky
pub quiz questions.
Who is the Chancellor who served
for the shortest time?
And who is the Prime Minister
who seemed to have
some kind of brain parasite?
But let's not forget that Truss
assembled a cabinet
of fringe ideologues and free market
fruitcakes,
one of the most radical of which
was Suella Braverman.
Here she gives a Daily Telegraph
podcast audience a chilling insight
into her hopes and dreams
for immigration.
Why can't you stop
the small boats coming?
It's a deeply entrenched
and complex problem.
That's a simple answer,
and I would love to be here saying,
well, claiming victory.
I would love to be having
a front page of the Telegraph
with a flight, a plane taking
off to Rwanda.
That's my dream, that's my dream.
When will that happen?
When will it happen? Listen, you've
got to ask the courts about that.
By Christmas?
Um, that would be amazing,
but if I'm honest, I think
it's going to take long.
SUZY: She's a Buddhist.
No! She is. Is she?
She's like a mystery shopper
stress testing Buddhism.
APPLAUSE
Can you imagine in the morning
her man just being like,
"Listen, love...
...get the Tibetan singing ball
out and do some stretches,
cos see if you go out the door
in that mood,
you're gonnae commit
mass genocide today.”
They are getting more right
wing, aren't they?
Well, this is it. Listen, the
Institute for Economic Affairs,
who've been behind all of these
people for years and years and
years, 20 years,
and they've sort of been behind the
scenes, behind the scenes with
Brexit
and they're a libertarian
think tank, which you're absolutely
perfectly allowed to be,
and they've been behind the scenes
and they've had people
in positions of power.
They finally had everyone.
They finally had the Prime Minister,
the Chancellor, the Home Secretary,
people who were their people
finally had the chance to have their
agenda,
which is the libertarian agenda,
very, very low tax,
all that kind of stuff.
And it lasted a month.
They finally thought, "Here
we go, our crowning glory."
And it's the single most abject
failure pretty much
in the history of British politics.
There's a chance we might all
end up in Rwanda, isn't there?
Like, most of the country.
That's kind of normalised now,
isn't it?
We talk about some of these
really mad right-wing things
as if they're fairly normal.
I think it's fair to say
that most of the Tory Party
would agree with you.
Most of the Tory party,
all the one-nation Tories,
the ones they got rid of,
everyone who's been fired.
They said, "Look, there's this very,
very right-wing cabal who've taken
"us over and then they've managed
to take the country over,
"and we don't like it either.”
And would be very happy that this
experiment has failed, I suspect.
But at the same time, it's like
they've already managed to push
for a law that says if you've ever
supported a protest, they can put
an ankle tag on you.
I mean, you call it an ankle tag.
In Scotland, we call that
a Glasgow Rolex.
LAUGHTER
Back in 1993, when I became chairman
of the Gorbals
Young Conservatives...
LAUGHTER
...it was a glorious time
to be a Tory.
John Major was in his pomp,
and his cabinet were my Sex Pistols,
my Rolling Stones.
I had posters of Kenneth Clark
and Michael Portillo on my bedroom
wall, which, believe it or not,
we're a big hit with both my sexual
partners of the decade,
Kenneth Clarke and Michael Portillo.
LAUGHTER
But I look at the dismal Tory front
bench today and I despair.
At this year's
party conference in Birmingham
energy levels hit a new low
during the echoey, monotonous speech
of Deputy Leader Therese Coffey.
Here's a dull clip.
The waiting list, for planned care
made worse by the pandemic
currently stands at about
seven million.
This includes people waiting
for diagnosis to know if they need
any treatment at all.
While in England, we have now
virtually eliminated waits
of over two years,
we are speeding up our plans to roll
out community diagnostic centres,
as well as new hospitals.
LAUGHTER
I think it's pessimistic to think
that those people are asleep.
I'm an optimist.
I like to think that there's
been a deadly carbon monoxide leak.
I just don't get
what they'll care about.
Like, she's talking about the NHS.
It's literally life and death stuff,
and they're just all basically...
SHE MIMICS SNORING
Although we're focusing on the sleep
there was a guy who very clearly
picked his ear, looked at it,
and then ate it.
I swear to God!
Therese Coffey might be
in the same boat as me,
like, sartorially.
I think, like, if the Queer Eye team
turned up,
they'd shoot us both dead.
I would pay very good money to see
you and Therese Coffey on Queer Eye.
I always get a hard time off my
daughter for crying at Queer Eye.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Like a really hard time.
She's like, "Ehh. Look at you!"
I feel like you've just ruined
an illusion to everybody
in that audience.
You a fan of Therese Coffey?
I met her once, Therese Coffey.
We went to the House of Commons.
There was, like, a business
and television thing.
And she was one of the few
people who invited us
all to the Commons Bar.
And we didn't speak politics at all.
I genuinely remember
having quite a good time.
I didn't think at any point,
I bet you'll be Deputy Prime
Minister one day.
I certainly didn't think that.
But I did think, thank you for all
of those heavily subsidised drinks.
That's very kind of you.
Look, I'm in a quandary, right,
because, like -
can you can you do jokes that are
just about appearance?
Do you know what I mean?
It seems hack now.
But at the same time, you're like,
well, there's a Health Secretary
who looks like they put gravy
on their cereal.
LAUGHTER
Well, that's enough about Tories.
What a depressing and hideous
spiral of horror.
Next up, the monarchy has no place
in a decent society, which is why
it works so well in Britain.
For me, the death of the Queen was
like the death of a family member
in that I thought I'd care
more than I did.
LAUGHTER
Many people were genuinely upset,
and that's understandable
because the Queen was essentially
an imaginary friend for grown-ups.
King Charles has looked emotional
lately, perhaps thinking
about how much less ceremony
there will be when he dies later
in the year.
If he goes during the World Cup,
he might not even make the news.
Prince Andrew wasn't allowed
to wear his military uniform
at the funeral. He had to wear a
tracksuit and a Fix It badge.
LAUGHTER
I got invited to the Royal Jubilee.
They sent me a letter and they said,
"Do you want to come
to the Royal Jubilee?
We're having a parade of
national treasures." Yeah.
And I've never read something before
where I've been so overwhelmed
with the feeling that my work
has been misunderstood.
LAUGHTER
Yeah. They said, would I like to
go on the 1970s bus?
I thought, of all the buses,
come on.
That's going to be fairly empty.
Most of them are in jail!
LAUGHTER
Did you get overwhelmed by grief?
I very carefully had no
reaction to the Queen's death.
It was a real exercise in not
saying anything, not tweeting,
just disappearing into my own life
for a bit.
I think it was a good time
to exercise a certain amount
of caution for comedians.
I genuinely could not have given
less of a fuck.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
My view of the whole thing is
I quite like what the monarchy
represents in this country going
forward, but I only like them
if Susie's also allowed to say
she doesn't give a fuck.
They do actually have an important
role to play in a democracy, but not
if you're then not allowed to say
anything about them, if you know
what I mean,
some of them more than others.
I think my view is, like,
a little bit...not that.
LAUGHTER
Josie, you surprise me.
It's so weird, modernity, isn't it?
Because I wouldn't have predicted
my reaction to the Queen dying
would be muting the social media
of Paddington Bear.
LAUGHTER
When it was finally confirmed
that the Queen had died,
tributes to her character
and long service were everywhere.
Here's one of my favourites,
delivered with charmingly
scatter-gun enthusiasm
by Ex-England footballer and
Jamiroquai fan Ray Parlour
from behind his sparklingly clean
home bar.
How is everyone? Great weekend
hopefully you're having.
A great night last night for myself
in Worthing, having a good time.
Thanks to all the guys who turned
up and had a really good time.
But it's also a sad weekend
because obviously the passing
of the Queen, unbelievable lady.
It's got to be a Cobra bomb
for the Queen.
I'm sure she didn't drink Cobra
bombs.
I'm sure she had a little tipple
somewhere along the line.
Even if she don't like Cobra,
I'm sure she'll be looking down,
hopefully, and saying, "Oh, thanks,
Ray, I really appreciate that."
Here we go.
Really admired her,
all through her years, 70 years.
What was it? Something like that -
70 years on the throne.
So, unbelievable.
So as I did to my dad back
in the day when he passed away...
...all I can say, rest in peace.
APPLAUSE
It's quite touching, really.
Here's the interesting thing I think
about that, is, he does a thing
about the Queen, Ray,
and just right at the end
he mentions his dad.
And that's what he's really talking
about all the way through.
But he's not capable of it, has to
go via the Queen, which I think
was the case for lots of people.
You know, I think some of us
can't face grief straight on.
And the Queen, I think, unleashed
a lot of that for a lot of people.
Well, this might sound cynical.
LAUGHTER
But I sort of think Ray Parlour
finds an excuse to do that
a lot of days.
LAUGHTER
I think he's, like, scouring
The Times' obituary column going,
"Professor Hawking,
I don't know what you drank
"or if you could drink, but let's,
for the sake of argument,
"say it was a Jager bomb."
I thought he was very sensitive
cos he did a shit sandwich.
He was like, "Well, I had a great
night out. The Queen did die.
"Now listen, happy birthday!"
It was like, just bring it up,
bring it down again.
The Scots have always loved
the English monarch.
Except for most of their history.
Here's...
LAUGHTER
...a pithy report of one defiant
Scottish chip shop owner who ever
so slightly failed to conceal her
Republican leanings, as she reacted
to the Queen's demise.
Britain's fallen!
Woohoo!
CROWD BOOS
Harshly treated.
I love the sound of boos.
It's such a funny noise
cos you have to make the B. Boo!
LAUGHTER
I mean, on the one hand, if you're
going to cavort, and I think
that is the technical term, cavort
with joy at the death of an old lady
you didn't know, don't do it outside
your place of business,
in your work clothes.
But on the other hand,
all I really care about is,
is her scampi good?
I don't care about her politics.
We're always saying we've got to
separate the art from the artists -
separate the woman
from her battered sausage.
I also feel like it's a very small
town, so whilst they're, like,
hounding her out of town now,
on Friday night, when they all want
a fish supper, there's going to be
a lot of reconciliation in the air.
You know?
There's a lot of people in that town
who won't eat fish on a Friday,
Josie, let me tell you.
LAUGHTER
The Queen's extraordinary 70-year
reign stretched back to a time
when Winston Churchill was Prime
Minister and homosexuality
was much more fun.
I hate the lack of jeopardy when
cruising for trade these days
and spend a good deal of
my free time lobbying for
anti-gay legislation.
God, how I miss the sound of
a police whistle when I'm
white-knuckling a tree trunk
in Kelvingrove Park.
LAUGHTER
But I digress.
Whilst the Queen gave many decades
of ceremonial service
to the United Kingdom, her death
sparked wider conversations
around colonialism
and the Commonwealth,
as seen in this heated
and uncomfortable clash.
There are many people
who are queenists,
they're not monarchists -
they liked her.
They're either bored
with the institution
or think that it needs to change
or aren't going to be
that into the next king.
Give us your evaluation of that.
I think that's wildly overstated,
frankly.
I think when you look
at all the opinion polls,
we're about 80-85% in favour of
having a constitutional monarchy,
whoever's in...on the throne.
So I think
this is extremely overdone.
There are many people in the world,
many millions of people,
I don't know
if you have social media,
but you should check it out,
who don't think we should be
celebrating the British monarchy
right now. Erm...
And many in Britain, by the way,
many in Britain.
No, not many in Britain.
Where are these people in Britain?
You know, as I say, between 10-15%
of people don't want a monarchy.
You're just prepared to discount
10 or 15% of the British population?
I think if 80 or 85% of people
believe anything,
you're far more likely
and far more right
to concentrate on them
rather than the tiny minority.
I actually think that
when there are minorities
who don't see things
the same way as everyone else,
we should actually
shine a light on them.
APPLAUSE
There was a guy who looked like
he was off to angrily
ejaculate on a stamp.
LAUGHTER
They're self-adhesive these days,
Frankie, you don't need to.
Now you tell me!
It feels like
he's never been challenged
on these views that he has.
When the American newsreader
was like,
"Social media, check it out,”
thinking it was like a dig,
he was sort of like, "Social media,
I should check it out.”
He hasn't been challenged,
like these views aren't challenged,
like he's saying,
"Who are these people speaking out?"
No-one - like, I didn't speak out
when the Queen died,
because I don't want to
lose my chip shop.
It's very important to me!
Aren't we going to have a thing
where Commonwealth countries
now leave the Commonwealth
because it's...?
Now the Queen's died,
it's like waiting for your gran
to die before you come out.
And they should be off!
The Commonwealth's like
you have a WhatsApp group
for the people you used to
keep locked in your basement.
So what should we expect
from the new monarch?
Judge for yourselves as we witness
a loss of noble composure
in this up-close clip
of King Charles I
attempting to sign
a book of condolence.
Seems happy!
No wonder he can't sign anything
with his big saveloy fingers.
It must be like a sea lion
trying to play the piano.
I just like the fact
that they'd subtitled him
because he's so posh, it counts
as a sort of speech impediment.
To be fair to Charles, that's not
a normal day for him, is it?
That's the aftermath
of his mother dying,
and he's clearly going through
the stages of grief,
so it's stage one -
anger...with a pen.
LAUGHTER
Bargaining for a new pen.
I don't think he knows the year.
I can barely remember the year these
days, to be honest, now I'm older.
There's so many twos in it
at the moment.
Do you know what?
We've had 2020, 2022...
Sometimes I think it's like 2220.
I get slightly confused
about what the date is.
There, I've said it.
I'm only looking at you, Frankie,
cos we're similar ages
and I assume you're the same.
You're the cleverest person I know -
and you don't know what the year is.
Do you think Charles
has got the job now,
and he's like, "Oh, I can't be
arsed with this shit"?
"I'm 72 now, this would have been
much fun when I was younger."
Well, it's his first job.
You know?
It's hard to take your first job
seriously.
He's probably smoking
out the back of the palace.
LAUGHTER
Well, that's the end of the show.
Thanks to my guests -
Richard Osman, Sophie Duker,
Susie McCabe and Josie Long!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
But before I go, I'd like to
leave you with this thought.
Last week I recorded an interview
for the Discovery Channel
with actor and fellow motorcycle
enthusiast Keanu Reeves
at the old saddle works
in Clyde bank,
where I keep my collection
of vintage motorbikes.
Like me,
Keanu is a massive Ducati head,
and he soon sniffed out my
recently restored 1952 Ducati 98T.
Once the camera crew
had packed up and left,
Keanu began bargaining
for the bike.
I could tell he was besotted
as he circled it,
patting and stroking the chrome
before easing down
the front of his jeans
and rubbing himself off
on the firm leather
of the bike's distinctive twin seat.
I smiled.
Ducatis have this effect on me
as well,
and I wheeled up my 1956 Bronco
so that I could be close enough
to frot myself on the handlebars
while keeping a steadying hand
on the 98T
as Keanu's humping became
more intense.
I needn't have worried,
as Keanu Reeves knows damn well
how to fuck a bike.
Keanu's sexual mastery
of the Ducati was astonishing.
He snaked himself around
and underneath the chassis,
rooting out gaps and crevices
that I'd never seen before
with his long and slender penis.
Like a monkey's tail,
it curled and prodded round
the gears and hydraulic dampeners.
So skilful was the lovemaking
that I found myself applauding
the performance
by slapping my own
much less dexterous cock
against the Bronco's head lamp.
In the end,
I gave the bike to Keanu as a gift,
and in return he gave me
a rare 1948 first edition
of George Orwell's
Nineteen Eighty-Four,
heavily annotated by Reeves himself.
A lot of people think Keanu Reeves
is just a pretty-boy actor,
but you can tell a lot about someone
by how they fuck a motorbike.
LAUGHTER
And his annotations of Orwell show
the same brilliant mind at work,
the margins full of pertinent
observations such as "Yeah"
and "Fuck yeah".
LAUGHTER
Just this morning,
in a taxi to the studio,
I was flicking through the book
and noticed one particular passage
had been underlined by Keanu.
"Nothing exists
except an endless present.”
Next to that, Reeves had drawn
a single heartbreaking teardrop.
Soon my own tears
joined it upon the page,
and I had to stop masturbating
to blow my nose.
LAUGHTER
"Nothing exists
except an endless present.”
How much truer now
than it was in 1948?
We're having arguments about
articles we haven't read
and shows we haven't seen.
Most of people's opinions
are now based on videos
that are played by an algorithm
trying to trick them into buying
an earwax-removal kit.
History is now as thoroughly fucked
as that Ducati.
God Almighty,
you should have seen him go.
LAUGHTER
I haven't even told you
what he did to the front brakes.
But I'll tell you now.
LAUGHTER
He fucked them.
LAUGHTER
Or he would have done if
he'd turned up for the interview.
But he didn't turn up,
because there wasn't one.
But then again, history is dead,
and Keanu Reeves does have
a slender penis
which curls out over
a pair of heavy, pendulous balls!
And he did once give me a 1948 first
edition of Nineteen Eighty-Four,
but he didn't write in the margins,
he's not a fucking idiot!
He's Keanu Reeves,
and I will always love him.
Goodnight.
# John and Mitchy
were getting kind of itchy
# Just to leave the folk music
behind
# Zol and Denny working for a penny
# Trying to get a fish on the line
# In a coffee house Sebastian sat
# And after every number
they'd pass the hat
# McGuinn and McGuire's
just a-getting higher
# In LA, you know where that's at
# And no-one's getting fat
except Mama Cass
# Zol, he said, Denny,
you know there aren't many
# Who can sing a song
the way that you do... #