Frankie Boyle's New World Order (2017–…): Season 5, Episode 6 - Episode #5.6 - full transcript
(This programme contains strong
language and adult humour)
Hello, and welcome
to New World Order.
This week Ghislaine Maxwell
went on trial,
I don't want to prejudice anyone
against her she did look like
Cruella De vil had turned a black
labrador into a swimming cap.
Part of the northern leg
of HS2 has been scrapped,
very disappointing for
people in Leeds, they
were looking forward to
having a new high-speed
train that they could
step out in front of.
Boris Johnson gave a rambling
speech to the CBI about Peppa Pig.
I like to think there was a mix-up
with the speeches and somewhere
theres a nursery of children
being told that refugees aren't welcome.
Boris Johnson's dad Stanley Johnson
has been accused of sexual harassment.
That is now two reasons that he should have
been chemically castrated in the 1960s.
There have been more revelations
about MPs having second jobs.
Priti Patel for example spends every
other weekend crawling out of the
television of people who
will die in seven days.
Sajid Javid has said that Yorkshire
Cricket Club are stuck in the Dark Ages
and I agree with him. Mind you,
the Tory Party lecturing a cricket club
on how not to be racist, is a bit like
me lecturing Andrew Marr on how not
to present his show wearing
his dead mother's underwear.
OK, let's get on with
the show, joining me
tonight to discuss the
weeks big topics are:
Myles Jupp, Sophie Duker
and Kiri Pritchard-McLean.
Hiya, good week?
Hectic. Very hectic.
What you been up to?
[Miles] Ah, my second
job which is erm.. down at
Peppa Pig world. I am
doing a job as an intern
as daddy pig um... and if
it goes really well they're
going to give me a
costume, so I am enjoying it.
What about you Kiri?
What have you been up to?
Big news. I live on a farm in
Wales. As some of you may know.
I've got to keep the
chickens in, theres bird flu
and theres a
government thing thats like
'lock up your chickens' and
its so hardcore because the
rest of the time its like
very adorable, we've got four
little rescue chickens, they lay
an egg every day which started off
lovely and is now fucking appalling.
Because you commit to having
four eggs every day
and if you skip a day,
you have eight eggs,
Do you know what eight eggs makes?
Constipation.
Thats what it makes.
[Miles] I don't know why
you'd skip an egg day.
[Frankie] What you been up to Sophie?
I have been doing interviews
for new housemates, I don't
want to but the alternative
is being alone with... myself.
It's really hard finding people. There was
one girl that seemed great, we were talking
and then at the end of the interview she
was liked "Oh, by the way, I take acid."
- She was like, "this isn't a house of squares, is it?"
- Would she like to live with me?
Ok. First up,
let's sit back and enjoy the
death of the United States.
This week, Kamala Harris briefly
became the first female president
as Joe Biden had a
medical procedure.
In another first, it was the first
time that the surgeons had to wake
someone up to give
them the anaesthetic.
Why would you need to put a camera inside
Joe Biden? Hes practically translucent.
His skin is like a
Vietnamese spring roll.
If he was a bag of mince, you
would chuck him out just to be on the
safe side.
Times are tough for the US.
Covid threatens the American way of
life, how are you supposed to carry
out a workplace shooting on Zoom?
Joining us to discuss both motions
tonight please welcome Rob Delaney!
- Hello, everybody.
- How are you doin' man?
I doing well, thank you. Yeah.
I heard you want to talk about
the death of the United States.
I think it's in fine shape and frankly
I'll be shocked if you can gather
any clips that can
convince me otherwise.
There was this whole thing in the last
election which was like we'll elect Biden
because then at least
you can hold his feet to
the flame on his progressive
promises and we can
get something to happen,
but that does not seem
to be happening. It all
seems to be bogged down.
There are some things in the 'Build
Back Better' bill that are a positive
step forward, but the Senate is so
horrifically backwards and the Supreme
Court are not representative of what
the bulk of Americans want, so America
could die, despite the fact that there
are plenty of wonderful Americans.
There is an element of Schadenfreude
from you, Frankie because you
looked forward to death of the
United States because you've never really
gotten over the War of Independence,
have you? You're such a big fan
of British imperialism, hence
the flags in your house, and erm..
Yes its always been a blow. And also I've
never really cracked America. Despite never
having played there.
I wouldn't give up on that dream.
The minute you got offered some sort of
sitcom role like a quirky, sassy
neighbour across the hall...
I could be a gay best friend.
Is that allowed?
Or if they do like 'Old Sheldon'.
Look it's easy to point
fun at the United States,
I do it all the time,
but the only things that
are better about the UK is
the NHS and the absence
of guns, other than
that, very similar toilets.
You have got to have optimism because
there is no point in not having optimism.
I know this sound strange!
What the fuck is... what is happening?!
Sorry, have you mistaken my comedy
character for my real views?!
[Kiri] Did three ghosts visit you?
What's happening?!
Its like Pascal's gambit, so Pascal said
you might as well believe in God because
either hes there or not and he's probably
going to be pretty annoyed if you chose
not to believe in him, so you might as well
hope for the best even though the reality
is probably Trump will come back and
do his next four years in a fucking toga.
Its easy to think of America as a
nation of morbidly obese morons addicted
to oil, chicken and war,
but these are real human beings and
I don't like joking about human frailty,
I prefer drawing cartoons of it
and selling limited edition prints
at Human-Frailty.tv, to help pay
for my spiralling porn addiction.
Here is a grim glimpse of how real Americans
are reacting to the Covid pandemic in
some high-definition, low IQ footage from
a revealing Florida school board meeting.
So many things
went through my head coming up here.
I would wake up in the middle
of the night and I would think I'm going
to say this, say that,
because I'm so shocked as a mother that we
all collectively have to
come up here, again and again, all we want
is the best for our children, we love
our children, we are not afraid.
If you are
afraid, put the mask on your child, keep
your child
at home, go to a school that has masks.
Maybe the reason why we
have people in hospitals, is all this mask
wearing, did we ever think
of that?! Did we ever think of that?!
- I love my children and...
- Next speaker please.
I also ask that you sit down with
your children, children are much
smarter than we give them credit
for. And I want to give you this.
# I believe the children are our future
# Teach them well and let them lead the way
# Show them all the beauty they possess inside
# Give them a sense...
- Thank you, ma'am, next speaker please.
How you doin', my name is Brian Biggs, Biggs...B.I.G.G.S... not Briggs.
I want to talk about the real
pandemic, child sex trafficking.
By putting masks on these kids faces,
you can't identify any of 'em.
So by the nine of you
already voting on this,
tells me you guys
support sex trafficking.
- Sir, you're out of order.
Good!
I mean, if that was how my
PTA meetings were, I would go!
Frankie, you're one of
my favourite comedians
I've ever seen, but
we can both agree that
its likely that you will die without ever
doing anything as funny as that song.
Were I to stand up at a
PTA meeting and start
singing Whitney Houston,
what would people think?
People would think 'he has got pipes'.
That's what they'd think.
She looked like Whitney Houston
would look if she had stayed in the bath.
Whatever happened to that
spiritual optimism, Frankie?
They looked like all of the genres of
people who haggle at charity shops.
And the stuff they go
through as well, there's
a dramatic monologue
and then a bad song,
and then a guy sort
of dancing around the
idea of stand-up, with
sunglasses on his head.
It's literally racist accent away
from being my school talent show.
[Sophie ] I think they want to be discovered.
That's why the guy at the end
was like, its Biggs and not
Briggs, he wants people to know his
handle, and the amount of
which he was angry at the potential
misspelling of his name was almost
equal to the child sex trafficking.
I always loved Sesame Street and the
Muppets perhaps because like a muppet
I'm only truly animated when I
have got a man's fist up my backside!
However, Conservative
commentator Eric Brolin is not
such a fan as we see this
bizarre segment on Newsmax.
Just this week Big Bird from Sesame
Street indoctrinating our 5 year olds.
Get vaccinated.
Then the giant pigeon took
to Twitter to announce to everyone how it
felt about getting the shot, and not
the first time these little felt communists
have tried to infect the minds of the
youngest and most vulnerable children.
A decade ago I called out Kermit
the frog, that cute little green
monster commie. The Muppets were
blaming an oil baron for closing down
the studio. Thats cute you little
oppressive Muppets. They did not
hide their disdain for success by
naming the guy, Tex Richman, but
I took them to task.
I just want
to say, Froggy, whats his name?
Kermit, Miss Piggy, if you want to
debate this anytime I am all for it.
Me calling them out didn't sit well
with one portly pink dummy, who
took to the media to trash me
for exposing her leftist tyranny.
It's almost laughable, accusing Fox News of
being, you know, news!
Guess what, the invites still open
Miss Piggy, if you or your emasculated
frog boyfriend, Kermit, every
want to join this desk, its free.
In a way I would love to
lose it so much Much that I
got in a decade-long
political argument, with a sock.
Its such a weird thing.
This is a guy on the news.
Its like Hugh Edwards
taking ten minutes out of
the News at ten to just
dunk on the Teletubbies.
He said an emasculated
frog, its not like Kermit the frog
had a cock and balls that
were taken off at some point.
That is supposition on your part Frankie.
They may have had a
disastrous pilot episode. The
frog is funny but we
can all see his genitals.
I like how he's like 'roll the clip
where I don't even make sense.
And now show the one where
Miss Piggy tells a pretty good joke'.
'Whose side you on now?'
The right to bear arms is as
American as apple pie, served in a
school cafeteria being raked
with gunfire by a disgruntled incel.
Here's a gloriously
unrestrained political ad from
gun obsessed congresswoman
Marjorie Taylor Green.
Joe Biden abandon
Americans in Afghanistan, got
13 of our best soldiers
killed, and armed an
Islamic terrorist nation
with $83 billion in weapons,
like this one. Biden
should be impeached. Now
I'm doing a gun giveaway
of my own, but for
Americans only. I want
you to win this 50 calibre
rifle, that democrats
will ban, and in 2022, I'm
going to blow away the
Democrat socialist agenda.
If you ever data-mine who entered
that contest and you find my name. I
don't support her agenda but I do
want to blow up a car in that manner.
[Frankie] I like that it was a Prius.
She does make Joe Biden sound
like hes been really busy though.
We all thought he was just going to summits
in Epping but hes done all of these things.
I like the idea that no
Taliban are allowed to enter
and you had to click a form
going, 'I am not a Taliban'.
Click on the pictures of two men kissing.
I'm not saying she doesn't have issues
but doesn't she also seem quite fun?
[Kiri] Yes!
Hen dos would be better
if she was organising them.
Despite all its problems, I believe
America has a bright future ahead of it.
As bright as the nuclear detonation
of a thousand Chinese warheads.
Current bookies favourite for the 2024
election is decomposing skid-mark Donald Trump.
Here he is
delivering a typically demented ramble
at a recent
save America branded rally in Georgia.
Biden surrendered our forts
and airbase in Bagram. You know
we were going
to keep the air base because its right next
to China. And
there military installations have a lot of
things surrounding it and we had this big
beautiful air base
that cost billions
of dollars to build and we were gone, we
didn't even turn
out the lights. One day we were gone and
you know who is
looking at it now and who is all over it?
China! We would never leaving
that. We had a perfect plan and
they were listening to us. Abdul, you
can't shoot our
soldiers, and that's
why you have those 13 empty seats right
there There because
they took the military out first and
they created a void and the
Taliban said, whats going on? The
military has left.
He said, you're nuts, in their language.
They've surrendered,
they've quit, whatever the hell he
said. You know they're
good fighters. The Taliban, the Afghans
generally are very
good fighters. Among the best actually.
It's like those videos of kids coming
round from anaesthetic after the dentists.
You know when you
don't know how to say a word properly
and so you say
it the first time and you mispronounce it
but no one corrects you, then you keep
saying it again
and again wrong.
Thats whats happened with him and China!
[Rob] You're right, hes quoting
himself when he says that.
- Everyone around him does
that because its less awkward
than telling him how to say it.
What angers me here is this shows how
complicit the media is to just show his
speeches all the time which are so riddled
with lies, because he campaigned before
he was president on getting out of the
Afghanistan. The troop drawdown and withdrawal
that Joe Biden finished, was something
that was started by his administration.
And now he's so genuinely politically
gifted, that he's taken the temperature of
people who hate Biden and been like 'Oh
wait, that's something we can pin on him'.
I mean I think when he comes back, as
I suspect he will, it going to be terrible.
Well thats when you
gotta be careful when
people come back.
That's often when its worse,
you know,
they've gone away and thought about it.
Germany with world Wars.... Take That.
So, I think we are all
feeling very positive about America.
Next up, soon Covid the economy and climate
will be sorted out
by the destruction of humanity
in an all consuming apocalypse.
To all the young people watching
I say this, don't worry the coronavirus
isn't going to kill you, the
virus that kills you won't exist for
many years yet. You'll catch
it from the communal chapstick you use in
winter to stop your lips
freezing to the steel penis of a sex robot.
One with
such sophisticated Al that its become
jaded and now requires
near constant fluffing
before it can service
its rich clients in the
towers that
block the sun from your humble borrow.
I am so worried about nuclear
war I've got my family locked in a bunker.
I say my family, a family.
The apocalypse is coming and
if you don't believe that, then you simply
haven't searched YouTube using the
words 'James Corden mouse costume'.
Are we worried about the
apocalypse?
One of the reasons I
moved back to Wales is I am ready for this.
If it happens, I feel very
confident about drinking my own urine...
in the countryside.
I feel like thats my time to shine. It wasn't
in school, it wasn't Uni, its not this.
We should be so lucky to get the
apocalypse is how I feel. I wish we could
get there but we won't. Climate apartheid
is a real possibility but anything
dramatic and special, we just don't
deserve it I don't think. Because aspects
of the apocalypse would be
fun, therefore it will be withheld from us.
We might not be a sudden event, it
might be a petering out, not with a bang.
Might just suddenly think, I haven't
seen any neighbours for three years.
I want to be able to
say the world is going
to end in two months
roughly, use that time.
What would use that time for?
Take acid.
As you know, I have always
worried about the Large Hadron Collider.
Which could crush the earth to the
size of two football fields and also what
worries me is it supposed to be completely
sealed and they found a ferret in there.
And I worry that this
ferret came from another dimension.
As an ambassador to try and warn us. And
someone just killed it with a fucking broom.
I mean, to me that
sounds like a classic nerd prank.
That was probably what
his last words were 'I'm not a nerd prank'.
In ancient times the great spirits
of the Comanche people turned his face
to the four winds of the future
and saw the coming plague of the white
man. And buried his fury deep
in the earth. That vengeance is now ripe
and ready to return in the form
of a super volcano under Yellowstone Park.
Here is an
alarming graphic laden guide to the
devastation that would be caused if
the caldera erupts.
Many seismologists
estimate there could be
substantial earthquakes
preceding any blast at
Yellowstone that will
last last for weeks or even
months beforehand
as rock below gets broken up
by magma as it surges
further and further up
towards the surface. Here, pressure
would continue
building and building
and building and with
increasing intensity
until with nowhere left to
go, the magma would
explode through the ground
in a cataclysmic eruption.
Basically if you are
looking at this map,
everything in blue would
be completely wiped
out. Everything in purple
would be
highly damaged. Everything in orange
would be sort
of damage. And everything in yellow
would be
mildly damaged. The North American
continent
would take a pretty significant bruise.
It's rare we have a good news story
on this show.
He's got remarkably
upbeat tone of voice, hasn't he?
Anyway it's
going to be flying thousands of feet into
the air and
covering the place with loads of ash.
Come to pull
air carpets this bank holiday Monday.
The bit with the lava
looked like an acne ad from the 80s.
What colour bit would you want to be in?
I would like to be in the second
ring so I could be like, no wa-...
I think it is
sort of usually goes off every 600,000
years and it lasts went
off 601,000 years ago.
It really feels like divine punishment and it
feels like it is our fault that is happening.
I thought of an analogy but have you
ever made someone achieve orgasm?
No.
Could you break this down for us?
What are you even talking about?
I'm sorry to introduce you to new ideas.
You've made
someone achieve orgasm and immediately
regretted it
because of the way they orgasm is demonic.
So we have
been fucking the earth because it feels
so good but when the earth comes,
it's like, wow!
How should you prepare
for the apocalypse?
Is a question I often ask
my crossbow instructor.
I intend to ride out
a cataclysm in a community, perhaps I will
become a therapist dealing in a
profound post-apocalyptic trauma.
So, you wore another
man's skin to make love to his wife?
I wonder what that says
about your relationship with your father?
Seeing as it was his skin.
Here is a sunny yet
sinister glimpse into a band of cheerful
hill-billies showing
off their folksy plans for the end times.
We're already in a sorta doomsday event.
Its hitting the fan around us.
We've been very busy
collecting apples for our cider pressing.
You throw them into
this hopper and it grinds them. You keep
turning and turning
and you see the cider comes the bottom.
If a crisis happens we can barter. It will
be very valuable.
Some people say I want to have guns
and frankly that is stupid. Marauding bands
come, I will show them how much
great food I have, invite them to a feast,
charm them and if I decide they can
be useful and cooperative, great, otherwise
I will poison them or cut their throats
in their sleep or something like that.
I sorta feel he glossed over how tricky
it would be, to charm a marauding band.
And let you cook them a feast.
Frankly I find no fault with anything in
that video and I am likely to join them.
[Kiri] I came away
from that being, sign me up!
And I'll settle down with that
topless boy with curly hair.
He was ripped!
[Kiri] He was so ripped!
That whole family was under
a delusion. At least one of them was an
alcoholic. We're not really
preppers we're stockpiling so much booze.
Maybe the
whole thing is a trick so they are like,
yeah, we
don't have guns. We've just got all this
cider and stuff,
and then when the marauders come,
they're like
'marauders, prepare the marinade'.
If you're a member of the global elite
you must feel about as relaxed about
the collapse of society as Prince
Andrew feels driving through tunnels.
No wonder then that super-rich
doomsday dodgers are investing in high spec
underground bunkers as we see in
this claustrophobic and startling report.
From the outside the security
cameras, armed guard and eight tonne
steel doors are the only sign
you're entering a top-secret facility.
- OK, let's go down and show you whats underground.
- OK.
You're not in Kansas anymore.
The survival condo
is spread across 15 floors and goes 200
feet underground. With luxury
living quarters spread across
the next seven floors. At the bottom
a further four floors
house a classroom,
a library, a bar, a gym and a cinema.
This is a three bedroom, two bath unit.
And most importantly, even though I'm 11
stories underground, I've still got a window.
This is an indoor
shooting range. I come down here and shoot
everything from handguns up
to .308 calibre sniper rifles in here.
That whole thing makes rotting
in a coffin look so appealing to me.
[Sophie] When that guy was like, 'you're
not in Kansas anymore', I wasn't sure
if he was doing a cute bit referenced
the movie, or if it was a legal warning.
It was like, consent doesn't apply three
stories down.
I didn't trust him at all.
He looked
like the sort of man that would install,
fourteen stories
down, a ferret flap and not tell anyone.
Windows that are
showing nice sunny scenes and a breeze in
a field, if you
paid all that money because its the end of
days, you'd want
the windows to show the world burning
outside so that you think
'at least I've got my monies worth'.
Also, that breaks down in a week
and it like: ERROR 404.
Well thats the
end of the show. Thanks to my guests, Miles
Jupp, Sophie Duker,
Kiri Pritchard-McLean and Rob Delaney!
But before I go,
I'd like to leave you with this thought.
Of course no one knows for sure
when this civilisation will come to an end.
It could be literally anytime
between June and September next year.
However there is some
good news. And by good I mean catastrophic.
Like when I say I'm good in bed.
In reality my lovemaking is at
best unsettling and at worst blasphemous.
But now thanks in
no small part to the global
financial markets,
we can bask in the unfettered
joyous knowledge that theres no future
for humanity
and without a
future, money becomes meaningless.
I recently noticed for the first time the
wording on one of the £50 notes I was
counting off onto an exhausted, and I
daresay perplexed, rent boy's bedside table.
'I promise to pay the bearer', every
banknote is a promise but in a world with
no future, a promise is just a lie,
like the promises you make to a hitch-hiker.
The coming apocalypse will collapse
the grand fiction
of global capital. We
will inhabit a world without
promise, hope, meaning,
a world thats almost
impossible to
imagine if you've never been to Dundee.
Here's my advice, invest your
money now while it still has value.
But not in tinned food,
guns, generators or abuse bunkers.
I mean, who
hasn't already got enough of those?
If you want to thrive in the
post-collapse economy you need
to invest in plastic surgery and physical
augmentation.
In this raw and visceral economy, wealth
will be measured in bodily prowess.
Hand jobs will be the new currency,
so if you can get your big toe surgically
reattached to give you a prehensile
foot grip, you can double your money.
Get a plastic
surgeon to add two rows of serviceable
vaginas up your back and turn your
torso into a sex flute.
Then assuming your plastic
surgeon hasn't been struck off yet, get a
ring of six or seven anuses added
to each thigh like a fuckable garter.
And a stiff crop of cocks around each wrist
so that while you're back and thighs
are being
hammered, you can reach out of the
heaving cluster-fuck
to bring off passers-by.
Within weeks, you will
become rich beyond your wildest nightmares.
Goodnight.
language and adult humour)
Hello, and welcome
to New World Order.
This week Ghislaine Maxwell
went on trial,
I don't want to prejudice anyone
against her she did look like
Cruella De vil had turned a black
labrador into a swimming cap.
Part of the northern leg
of HS2 has been scrapped,
very disappointing for
people in Leeds, they
were looking forward to
having a new high-speed
train that they could
step out in front of.
Boris Johnson gave a rambling
speech to the CBI about Peppa Pig.
I like to think there was a mix-up
with the speeches and somewhere
theres a nursery of children
being told that refugees aren't welcome.
Boris Johnson's dad Stanley Johnson
has been accused of sexual harassment.
That is now two reasons that he should have
been chemically castrated in the 1960s.
There have been more revelations
about MPs having second jobs.
Priti Patel for example spends every
other weekend crawling out of the
television of people who
will die in seven days.
Sajid Javid has said that Yorkshire
Cricket Club are stuck in the Dark Ages
and I agree with him. Mind you,
the Tory Party lecturing a cricket club
on how not to be racist, is a bit like
me lecturing Andrew Marr on how not
to present his show wearing
his dead mother's underwear.
OK, let's get on with
the show, joining me
tonight to discuss the
weeks big topics are:
Myles Jupp, Sophie Duker
and Kiri Pritchard-McLean.
Hiya, good week?
Hectic. Very hectic.
What you been up to?
[Miles] Ah, my second
job which is erm.. down at
Peppa Pig world. I am
doing a job as an intern
as daddy pig um... and if
it goes really well they're
going to give me a
costume, so I am enjoying it.
What about you Kiri?
What have you been up to?
Big news. I live on a farm in
Wales. As some of you may know.
I've got to keep the
chickens in, theres bird flu
and theres a
government thing thats like
'lock up your chickens' and
its so hardcore because the
rest of the time its like
very adorable, we've got four
little rescue chickens, they lay
an egg every day which started off
lovely and is now fucking appalling.
Because you commit to having
four eggs every day
and if you skip a day,
you have eight eggs,
Do you know what eight eggs makes?
Constipation.
Thats what it makes.
[Miles] I don't know why
you'd skip an egg day.
[Frankie] What you been up to Sophie?
I have been doing interviews
for new housemates, I don't
want to but the alternative
is being alone with... myself.
It's really hard finding people. There was
one girl that seemed great, we were talking
and then at the end of the interview she
was liked "Oh, by the way, I take acid."
- She was like, "this isn't a house of squares, is it?"
- Would she like to live with me?
Ok. First up,
let's sit back and enjoy the
death of the United States.
This week, Kamala Harris briefly
became the first female president
as Joe Biden had a
medical procedure.
In another first, it was the first
time that the surgeons had to wake
someone up to give
them the anaesthetic.
Why would you need to put a camera inside
Joe Biden? Hes practically translucent.
His skin is like a
Vietnamese spring roll.
If he was a bag of mince, you
would chuck him out just to be on the
safe side.
Times are tough for the US.
Covid threatens the American way of
life, how are you supposed to carry
out a workplace shooting on Zoom?
Joining us to discuss both motions
tonight please welcome Rob Delaney!
- Hello, everybody.
- How are you doin' man?
I doing well, thank you. Yeah.
I heard you want to talk about
the death of the United States.
I think it's in fine shape and frankly
I'll be shocked if you can gather
any clips that can
convince me otherwise.
There was this whole thing in the last
election which was like we'll elect Biden
because then at least
you can hold his feet to
the flame on his progressive
promises and we can
get something to happen,
but that does not seem
to be happening. It all
seems to be bogged down.
There are some things in the 'Build
Back Better' bill that are a positive
step forward, but the Senate is so
horrifically backwards and the Supreme
Court are not representative of what
the bulk of Americans want, so America
could die, despite the fact that there
are plenty of wonderful Americans.
There is an element of Schadenfreude
from you, Frankie because you
looked forward to death of the
United States because you've never really
gotten over the War of Independence,
have you? You're such a big fan
of British imperialism, hence
the flags in your house, and erm..
Yes its always been a blow. And also I've
never really cracked America. Despite never
having played there.
I wouldn't give up on that dream.
The minute you got offered some sort of
sitcom role like a quirky, sassy
neighbour across the hall...
I could be a gay best friend.
Is that allowed?
Or if they do like 'Old Sheldon'.
Look it's easy to point
fun at the United States,
I do it all the time,
but the only things that
are better about the UK is
the NHS and the absence
of guns, other than
that, very similar toilets.
You have got to have optimism because
there is no point in not having optimism.
I know this sound strange!
What the fuck is... what is happening?!
Sorry, have you mistaken my comedy
character for my real views?!
[Kiri] Did three ghosts visit you?
What's happening?!
Its like Pascal's gambit, so Pascal said
you might as well believe in God because
either hes there or not and he's probably
going to be pretty annoyed if you chose
not to believe in him, so you might as well
hope for the best even though the reality
is probably Trump will come back and
do his next four years in a fucking toga.
Its easy to think of America as a
nation of morbidly obese morons addicted
to oil, chicken and war,
but these are real human beings and
I don't like joking about human frailty,
I prefer drawing cartoons of it
and selling limited edition prints
at Human-Frailty.tv, to help pay
for my spiralling porn addiction.
Here is a grim glimpse of how real Americans
are reacting to the Covid pandemic in
some high-definition, low IQ footage from
a revealing Florida school board meeting.
So many things
went through my head coming up here.
I would wake up in the middle
of the night and I would think I'm going
to say this, say that,
because I'm so shocked as a mother that we
all collectively have to
come up here, again and again, all we want
is the best for our children, we love
our children, we are not afraid.
If you are
afraid, put the mask on your child, keep
your child
at home, go to a school that has masks.
Maybe the reason why we
have people in hospitals, is all this mask
wearing, did we ever think
of that?! Did we ever think of that?!
- I love my children and...
- Next speaker please.
I also ask that you sit down with
your children, children are much
smarter than we give them credit
for. And I want to give you this.
# I believe the children are our future
# Teach them well and let them lead the way
# Show them all the beauty they possess inside
# Give them a sense...
- Thank you, ma'am, next speaker please.
How you doin', my name is Brian Biggs, Biggs...B.I.G.G.S... not Briggs.
I want to talk about the real
pandemic, child sex trafficking.
By putting masks on these kids faces,
you can't identify any of 'em.
So by the nine of you
already voting on this,
tells me you guys
support sex trafficking.
- Sir, you're out of order.
Good!
I mean, if that was how my
PTA meetings were, I would go!
Frankie, you're one of
my favourite comedians
I've ever seen, but
we can both agree that
its likely that you will die without ever
doing anything as funny as that song.
Were I to stand up at a
PTA meeting and start
singing Whitney Houston,
what would people think?
People would think 'he has got pipes'.
That's what they'd think.
She looked like Whitney Houston
would look if she had stayed in the bath.
Whatever happened to that
spiritual optimism, Frankie?
They looked like all of the genres of
people who haggle at charity shops.
And the stuff they go
through as well, there's
a dramatic monologue
and then a bad song,
and then a guy sort
of dancing around the
idea of stand-up, with
sunglasses on his head.
It's literally racist accent away
from being my school talent show.
[Sophie ] I think they want to be discovered.
That's why the guy at the end
was like, its Biggs and not
Briggs, he wants people to know his
handle, and the amount of
which he was angry at the potential
misspelling of his name was almost
equal to the child sex trafficking.
I always loved Sesame Street and the
Muppets perhaps because like a muppet
I'm only truly animated when I
have got a man's fist up my backside!
However, Conservative
commentator Eric Brolin is not
such a fan as we see this
bizarre segment on Newsmax.
Just this week Big Bird from Sesame
Street indoctrinating our 5 year olds.
Get vaccinated.
Then the giant pigeon took
to Twitter to announce to everyone how it
felt about getting the shot, and not
the first time these little felt communists
have tried to infect the minds of the
youngest and most vulnerable children.
A decade ago I called out Kermit
the frog, that cute little green
monster commie. The Muppets were
blaming an oil baron for closing down
the studio. Thats cute you little
oppressive Muppets. They did not
hide their disdain for success by
naming the guy, Tex Richman, but
I took them to task.
I just want
to say, Froggy, whats his name?
Kermit, Miss Piggy, if you want to
debate this anytime I am all for it.
Me calling them out didn't sit well
with one portly pink dummy, who
took to the media to trash me
for exposing her leftist tyranny.
It's almost laughable, accusing Fox News of
being, you know, news!
Guess what, the invites still open
Miss Piggy, if you or your emasculated
frog boyfriend, Kermit, every
want to join this desk, its free.
In a way I would love to
lose it so much Much that I
got in a decade-long
political argument, with a sock.
Its such a weird thing.
This is a guy on the news.
Its like Hugh Edwards
taking ten minutes out of
the News at ten to just
dunk on the Teletubbies.
He said an emasculated
frog, its not like Kermit the frog
had a cock and balls that
were taken off at some point.
That is supposition on your part Frankie.
They may have had a
disastrous pilot episode. The
frog is funny but we
can all see his genitals.
I like how he's like 'roll the clip
where I don't even make sense.
And now show the one where
Miss Piggy tells a pretty good joke'.
'Whose side you on now?'
The right to bear arms is as
American as apple pie, served in a
school cafeteria being raked
with gunfire by a disgruntled incel.
Here's a gloriously
unrestrained political ad from
gun obsessed congresswoman
Marjorie Taylor Green.
Joe Biden abandon
Americans in Afghanistan, got
13 of our best soldiers
killed, and armed an
Islamic terrorist nation
with $83 billion in weapons,
like this one. Biden
should be impeached. Now
I'm doing a gun giveaway
of my own, but for
Americans only. I want
you to win this 50 calibre
rifle, that democrats
will ban, and in 2022, I'm
going to blow away the
Democrat socialist agenda.
If you ever data-mine who entered
that contest and you find my name. I
don't support her agenda but I do
want to blow up a car in that manner.
[Frankie] I like that it was a Prius.
She does make Joe Biden sound
like hes been really busy though.
We all thought he was just going to summits
in Epping but hes done all of these things.
I like the idea that no
Taliban are allowed to enter
and you had to click a form
going, 'I am not a Taliban'.
Click on the pictures of two men kissing.
I'm not saying she doesn't have issues
but doesn't she also seem quite fun?
[Kiri] Yes!
Hen dos would be better
if she was organising them.
Despite all its problems, I believe
America has a bright future ahead of it.
As bright as the nuclear detonation
of a thousand Chinese warheads.
Current bookies favourite for the 2024
election is decomposing skid-mark Donald Trump.
Here he is
delivering a typically demented ramble
at a recent
save America branded rally in Georgia.
Biden surrendered our forts
and airbase in Bagram. You know
we were going
to keep the air base because its right next
to China. And
there military installations have a lot of
things surrounding it and we had this big
beautiful air base
that cost billions
of dollars to build and we were gone, we
didn't even turn
out the lights. One day we were gone and
you know who is
looking at it now and who is all over it?
China! We would never leaving
that. We had a perfect plan and
they were listening to us. Abdul, you
can't shoot our
soldiers, and that's
why you have those 13 empty seats right
there There because
they took the military out first and
they created a void and the
Taliban said, whats going on? The
military has left.
He said, you're nuts, in their language.
They've surrendered,
they've quit, whatever the hell he
said. You know they're
good fighters. The Taliban, the Afghans
generally are very
good fighters. Among the best actually.
It's like those videos of kids coming
round from anaesthetic after the dentists.
You know when you
don't know how to say a word properly
and so you say
it the first time and you mispronounce it
but no one corrects you, then you keep
saying it again
and again wrong.
Thats whats happened with him and China!
[Rob] You're right, hes quoting
himself when he says that.
- Everyone around him does
that because its less awkward
than telling him how to say it.
What angers me here is this shows how
complicit the media is to just show his
speeches all the time which are so riddled
with lies, because he campaigned before
he was president on getting out of the
Afghanistan. The troop drawdown and withdrawal
that Joe Biden finished, was something
that was started by his administration.
And now he's so genuinely politically
gifted, that he's taken the temperature of
people who hate Biden and been like 'Oh
wait, that's something we can pin on him'.
I mean I think when he comes back, as
I suspect he will, it going to be terrible.
Well thats when you
gotta be careful when
people come back.
That's often when its worse,
you know,
they've gone away and thought about it.
Germany with world Wars.... Take That.
So, I think we are all
feeling very positive about America.
Next up, soon Covid the economy and climate
will be sorted out
by the destruction of humanity
in an all consuming apocalypse.
To all the young people watching
I say this, don't worry the coronavirus
isn't going to kill you, the
virus that kills you won't exist for
many years yet. You'll catch
it from the communal chapstick you use in
winter to stop your lips
freezing to the steel penis of a sex robot.
One with
such sophisticated Al that its become
jaded and now requires
near constant fluffing
before it can service
its rich clients in the
towers that
block the sun from your humble borrow.
I am so worried about nuclear
war I've got my family locked in a bunker.
I say my family, a family.
The apocalypse is coming and
if you don't believe that, then you simply
haven't searched YouTube using the
words 'James Corden mouse costume'.
Are we worried about the
apocalypse?
One of the reasons I
moved back to Wales is I am ready for this.
If it happens, I feel very
confident about drinking my own urine...
in the countryside.
I feel like thats my time to shine. It wasn't
in school, it wasn't Uni, its not this.
We should be so lucky to get the
apocalypse is how I feel. I wish we could
get there but we won't. Climate apartheid
is a real possibility but anything
dramatic and special, we just don't
deserve it I don't think. Because aspects
of the apocalypse would be
fun, therefore it will be withheld from us.
We might not be a sudden event, it
might be a petering out, not with a bang.
Might just suddenly think, I haven't
seen any neighbours for three years.
I want to be able to
say the world is going
to end in two months
roughly, use that time.
What would use that time for?
Take acid.
As you know, I have always
worried about the Large Hadron Collider.
Which could crush the earth to the
size of two football fields and also what
worries me is it supposed to be completely
sealed and they found a ferret in there.
And I worry that this
ferret came from another dimension.
As an ambassador to try and warn us. And
someone just killed it with a fucking broom.
I mean, to me that
sounds like a classic nerd prank.
That was probably what
his last words were 'I'm not a nerd prank'.
In ancient times the great spirits
of the Comanche people turned his face
to the four winds of the future
and saw the coming plague of the white
man. And buried his fury deep
in the earth. That vengeance is now ripe
and ready to return in the form
of a super volcano under Yellowstone Park.
Here is an
alarming graphic laden guide to the
devastation that would be caused if
the caldera erupts.
Many seismologists
estimate there could be
substantial earthquakes
preceding any blast at
Yellowstone that will
last last for weeks or even
months beforehand
as rock below gets broken up
by magma as it surges
further and further up
towards the surface. Here, pressure
would continue
building and building
and building and with
increasing intensity
until with nowhere left to
go, the magma would
explode through the ground
in a cataclysmic eruption.
Basically if you are
looking at this map,
everything in blue would
be completely wiped
out. Everything in purple
would be
highly damaged. Everything in orange
would be sort
of damage. And everything in yellow
would be
mildly damaged. The North American
continent
would take a pretty significant bruise.
It's rare we have a good news story
on this show.
He's got remarkably
upbeat tone of voice, hasn't he?
Anyway it's
going to be flying thousands of feet into
the air and
covering the place with loads of ash.
Come to pull
air carpets this bank holiday Monday.
The bit with the lava
looked like an acne ad from the 80s.
What colour bit would you want to be in?
I would like to be in the second
ring so I could be like, no wa-...
I think it is
sort of usually goes off every 600,000
years and it lasts went
off 601,000 years ago.
It really feels like divine punishment and it
feels like it is our fault that is happening.
I thought of an analogy but have you
ever made someone achieve orgasm?
No.
Could you break this down for us?
What are you even talking about?
I'm sorry to introduce you to new ideas.
You've made
someone achieve orgasm and immediately
regretted it
because of the way they orgasm is demonic.
So we have
been fucking the earth because it feels
so good but when the earth comes,
it's like, wow!
How should you prepare
for the apocalypse?
Is a question I often ask
my crossbow instructor.
I intend to ride out
a cataclysm in a community, perhaps I will
become a therapist dealing in a
profound post-apocalyptic trauma.
So, you wore another
man's skin to make love to his wife?
I wonder what that says
about your relationship with your father?
Seeing as it was his skin.
Here is a sunny yet
sinister glimpse into a band of cheerful
hill-billies showing
off their folksy plans for the end times.
We're already in a sorta doomsday event.
Its hitting the fan around us.
We've been very busy
collecting apples for our cider pressing.
You throw them into
this hopper and it grinds them. You keep
turning and turning
and you see the cider comes the bottom.
If a crisis happens we can barter. It will
be very valuable.
Some people say I want to have guns
and frankly that is stupid. Marauding bands
come, I will show them how much
great food I have, invite them to a feast,
charm them and if I decide they can
be useful and cooperative, great, otherwise
I will poison them or cut their throats
in their sleep or something like that.
I sorta feel he glossed over how tricky
it would be, to charm a marauding band.
And let you cook them a feast.
Frankly I find no fault with anything in
that video and I am likely to join them.
[Kiri] I came away
from that being, sign me up!
And I'll settle down with that
topless boy with curly hair.
He was ripped!
[Kiri] He was so ripped!
That whole family was under
a delusion. At least one of them was an
alcoholic. We're not really
preppers we're stockpiling so much booze.
Maybe the
whole thing is a trick so they are like,
yeah, we
don't have guns. We've just got all this
cider and stuff,
and then when the marauders come,
they're like
'marauders, prepare the marinade'.
If you're a member of the global elite
you must feel about as relaxed about
the collapse of society as Prince
Andrew feels driving through tunnels.
No wonder then that super-rich
doomsday dodgers are investing in high spec
underground bunkers as we see in
this claustrophobic and startling report.
From the outside the security
cameras, armed guard and eight tonne
steel doors are the only sign
you're entering a top-secret facility.
- OK, let's go down and show you whats underground.
- OK.
You're not in Kansas anymore.
The survival condo
is spread across 15 floors and goes 200
feet underground. With luxury
living quarters spread across
the next seven floors. At the bottom
a further four floors
house a classroom,
a library, a bar, a gym and a cinema.
This is a three bedroom, two bath unit.
And most importantly, even though I'm 11
stories underground, I've still got a window.
This is an indoor
shooting range. I come down here and shoot
everything from handguns up
to .308 calibre sniper rifles in here.
That whole thing makes rotting
in a coffin look so appealing to me.
[Sophie] When that guy was like, 'you're
not in Kansas anymore', I wasn't sure
if he was doing a cute bit referenced
the movie, or if it was a legal warning.
It was like, consent doesn't apply three
stories down.
I didn't trust him at all.
He looked
like the sort of man that would install,
fourteen stories
down, a ferret flap and not tell anyone.
Windows that are
showing nice sunny scenes and a breeze in
a field, if you
paid all that money because its the end of
days, you'd want
the windows to show the world burning
outside so that you think
'at least I've got my monies worth'.
Also, that breaks down in a week
and it like: ERROR 404.
Well thats the
end of the show. Thanks to my guests, Miles
Jupp, Sophie Duker,
Kiri Pritchard-McLean and Rob Delaney!
But before I go,
I'd like to leave you with this thought.
Of course no one knows for sure
when this civilisation will come to an end.
It could be literally anytime
between June and September next year.
However there is some
good news. And by good I mean catastrophic.
Like when I say I'm good in bed.
In reality my lovemaking is at
best unsettling and at worst blasphemous.
But now thanks in
no small part to the global
financial markets,
we can bask in the unfettered
joyous knowledge that theres no future
for humanity
and without a
future, money becomes meaningless.
I recently noticed for the first time the
wording on one of the £50 notes I was
counting off onto an exhausted, and I
daresay perplexed, rent boy's bedside table.
'I promise to pay the bearer', every
banknote is a promise but in a world with
no future, a promise is just a lie,
like the promises you make to a hitch-hiker.
The coming apocalypse will collapse
the grand fiction
of global capital. We
will inhabit a world without
promise, hope, meaning,
a world thats almost
impossible to
imagine if you've never been to Dundee.
Here's my advice, invest your
money now while it still has value.
But not in tinned food,
guns, generators or abuse bunkers.
I mean, who
hasn't already got enough of those?
If you want to thrive in the
post-collapse economy you need
to invest in plastic surgery and physical
augmentation.
In this raw and visceral economy, wealth
will be measured in bodily prowess.
Hand jobs will be the new currency,
so if you can get your big toe surgically
reattached to give you a prehensile
foot grip, you can double your money.
Get a plastic
surgeon to add two rows of serviceable
vaginas up your back and turn your
torso into a sex flute.
Then assuming your plastic
surgeon hasn't been struck off yet, get a
ring of six or seven anuses added
to each thigh like a fuckable garter.
And a stiff crop of cocks around each wrist
so that while you're back and thighs
are being
hammered, you can reach out of the
heaving cluster-fuck
to bring off passers-by.
Within weeks, you will
become rich beyond your wildest nightmares.
Goodnight.