Four Weddings and a Funeral (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Hounslow - full transcript

Previously on
Four Weddings and a Funeral...

Fuck.

- I wanna be with you, Maya.
- All I got to do is tell her.

Hey, bitch. You ready for
the best weekend of your life?

Yes, I'm on the red-eye tonight.

Please, I need my bag.

I took the wrong one
off the carousel.

Have you ever had the feeling
you've gone down the wrong path?

I feel like that
literally every day.

You must be Maya.

My name's Gemma.
I'm Ainsley's best friend.



I'm so excited!

- I'm gonna tell Maya tonight.
- I feel like it's now or ever.

- You got this.
- You liked her for ten years.

- Suitcase guy?
- Hi.

Maya, this is my boyfriend,
Kash.

- What's the deal?
- Is he serious?

I mean, the last thing I
wanna do is rush into anything.

Senator Ted Spencer has been
in an extramarital affair.

Kaylee Haskins worked
for Spencer as a dog walker.

- That's my daughter.
- Her name is Molly.

Maya.

- Here you go.
- Good luck.

Do you take this woman
to be your wife?

I don't think I do.



I don't think I do.

- I don't.
- You don't?

Well, maybe.

It has to be the actual words.

It's very clear about that
in the manual.

Sorry, everyone.

I just need a minute.
Uh, enjoy the church!

Excuse me.

Hey, what the hell is happening?

I'm so sorry. I don't know
what's wrong with me.

You're just getting cold feet.

I was feeling it too.

- You were?
- Yeah.

Last night, I went down
this rabbit hole

of "Should we be getting
married?"

"Should anybody be
getting married?

"Like, is it against human nature
to just have sex with one person?

"Like, I never got
to hook up with a Greek guy.

That could have been cool."

But then I was like,
"Shut up, Ainsley.

You love him,
and that is all that matters."

- Okay?
- You're right.

So just tell yourself,
"Shut up, Kash.

You love her."

- Yeah, shut up, Kash.
- You...

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, my God.

Okay, um, while we wait,
maybe a song?

Stop, stop!
Why would you play that?

Please don't do this to me.

Ains, I can't marry you.

- I'm sorry.
- If you say "sorry" one more time...

Just tell me why!

- I don't know why.
- Sorry.

- Ainsley!
- Ainsley!

I hope there's still
an open bar at the reception.

- Suits?
- Donate.

- Cufflinks?
- Donate.

What's a men's shelter
going to do with cufflinks?

Oh, so the poor shouldn't
care how their wrists look?

Oh, my God.

Look what I found in his pocket.

This is why he did it.
He's a secret drug addict.

I'm pretty sure
that's a breath mint.

Yes, darling,
I think you're grasping.

Well, there has to be
some reason why this happened.

We had the perfect relationship.

You don't just throw that away
for nothing.

And if he would just call me
and give me some kind

of explanation at least I would
know this wasn't my fault.

Oh, sweetie.

- I have a brilliant idea.
- It's Saturday.

Why don't we do game night
like we always do?

I don't think Ainsley's ready
to throw a party.

Actually, I would love that.

No, but I just... I have
too much to do.

I have, like, 300 "thank-you-slash-sorry-
I-didn't-get-married" notes,

and then I have to take everything
back to Kash's dad's house...

- No, no, no, no, no, my sweet.
- We'll do it.

I'll write the thank-you notes,
seeing as I have

my Master's in calligraphy,
and Maya will go to Hounslow.

- Of course.
- Wait, to Kash's?

- I would take on both tasks.
- Regrettably, I have but two arms.

It's better if it's you, Maya.

You barely knew him.

- I'll be back.
- Where are you going?

Um, I'm just going
for a quick run.

Now? But we have plans to
whiten our teeth together.

I don't remember that.

Alexa, what's our schedule
for today?

11:00 a. M.,
teeth-whitening with Craig.

1:00 p. M.:
Go through Craig's wallet.

Thank you, Alexa.

Be back, babe.

- Duffy!
- Duffy, hi!

Oh.

Hi, Tabby.
Or should I say, "Bonjour"?

That's right,
because I'm a French teacher.

- You remembered.
- Yeah.

Are you planning on seeing
the student production

of Angels in America?

Because I have a spare ticket
for tonight.

Oh, wow, um, I would love that,

but I'm actually headed
into town.

Yeah, my friends and I sort
of do this game night

every other Saturday.

- That's sounds so much fun.
- I love games.

- It is fun.
- It's the... it's the best.

Maybe you and your friends
should do something similar.

- True.
- That's a great idea.

Yeah.

Uh, okay.
Well, um, enjoy Angels in America.

Kashif, wake up.

Come on, lazy bones.

Get up.

- Kashif.
- Baba, what?

- Good, you are awake.
- We're out of milk.

- I need you to go get some.
- Can Asif get it?

You have not been out
of the house for a week.

You know, since
your very public humiliation.

I remember what happened, Dad.

Have you even called Ainsley
to apologize?

No.

She doesn't want an "I'm sorry,"

she wants an explanation,

and I don't know what to say
to her.

Well, you can't hide here
forever.

- I'm not hiding.
- I'm processing.

And you can't do that
at Tesco's?

Hey, Graham Norton,
I can't sleep

with this chat show going on.

Come on, we also need laundry
detergent, and you do all the laundry.

Fine, I'm going.

Hey, I'm heading to Hounslow.

Were you stalking
Kash's Instagram?

Look at this caption
from six months ago.

"Doesn't get better than this."
What does that mean?

That everything that came
after that trip

was a disappointment?

No, it means he's basic and bad

at writing Instagram captions.

Hey, stop torturing yourself.

That's easy for you to say.

At least you know why things
ended with Ted.

Yeah, he cheated on me
in a very public way.

You know what? You're right.

I am lucky. What a cool guy.

Do you have to leave on Monday
or can you just stay forever?

No, I got to get back
and figure out my life.

Hmm.

Besides, if you're away
from D. C. Too long,

Mike Pence turns your office
into a chapel.

Okay, enough wallowing.
I got to go to work.

Hey, thanks for going to Kash's.

Mmm.

Come on, Molly. Your turn!

Molly, where you going?

- Molly, go back to the game.
- Okay!

Julia!

Well, what are the chances
of seeing you here?

'Cause I was at the park
running,

you're here, I'm here...

Save it.

You've been watching the kids
for forty minutes.

The other mums think
you're a pedo.

Look, I'm sorry,
but I had to see her.

Not here.

I'll message you where. Now go.

- Thief!
- Ah!

Parcel thief!

You are the one who keeps
stealing my Amazon boxes!

No, no, no, no. I'm Maya,
Ainsley's friend from the wedding

or almost wedding.

I just brought back
Kash's stuff.

Oh.

Of course. Thanks.

No, no, no, no.
You must come in.

I just made French bread pizzas.

They come in a pack of four,
and there are only three of us.

- I really can't.
- Please.

For all the trouble you have
taken to bring Kashif's things.

Yeah, I have a cab...

had.

Um, I'll call an Uber.

And you'll wait for it with a
belly full of French bread pizza.

Come in.

Okay, only for a minute.

Oh, please.

Get up, boys, we have a visitor.

- Maya, hi.
- Hi.

What are you doing here?

I brought your stuff
from Ainsley's.

- Really?
- Um, thank you.

I've been wearing
the same shirt for a week.

Wait, where's the rest of it?

She gave it to charity.

Oxfam thanks you
for your donation.

French bread pizza.

Thank you.

- Feel at home.
- I can't stay for very long.

Maya, do you watch Mastermind?

It's my favorite quiz show.
I'm very good at it.

Here we go. What color are the
benches in the House of Lords?

- Trick question!
- There are no benches.

- Red.
- Yes.

Oh, it's like Jeopardy!.

See? In America,
everyone watches TV with their father.

It's cool.

Which composer was born
in Salzburg

on 27th of January, 1756?

- Beethoven.
- It's Mozart.

- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
- Yes.

What name of Central Asian...

- You're so smart.
- That's my type.

Don't say stuff like that.

Next in the chair now is Brian.

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Parsons,
I truly apologize

for the wedding's
unforeseen turn.

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Bose,
the groom acted erratically

due to an undiagnosed
brain parasite.

Thank you for the ceramic
pumpkin tureen.

Thank you for the six ramekins.

I can almost see the soufflés
that could have risen.

Yours, Ainsley.

Quentin, I've been at this
for hours,

and I'm only on my sixth card.

My hand is a frozen claw.

Well, darling, what is it
we always say to Giles

when faced
with a difficult task?

- "Quit."
- No, I can't.

I promised Ainsley, and I can't
get shown up by Maya.

She's trying to steal
my best friend.

- Adults with best friends.
- How horribly American.

You only say that
because all your best friends

disappeared on safari.

Yeah, I'm sure they'll turn up.

What was the original
profession of the writer.

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle?

Trick question!

He was a character invented
by Sherlock Holmes!

Doctor.

- Doctor.
- Yes.

This game is rigged against me!

Never once a question
about Pakistan or old coins!

- Oh, uh, I should go.
- My car's here.

Your visit was transformative.

- Oh, my God.
- I'm sorry for what my brother did.

It's not a reflection
on our family

or how we treat women.

Please consider following me
on Instagram.

I think I will.

Thanks for bringing my stuff.

- Hey!
- Kenya!

Is Ainsley doing okay?

- "Okay"?
- Of course she's not okay.

She got left at the altar
and has no idea why.

Why haven't you called her?

I'm probably the last person
she wants to talk to right now.

That's bullshit.

You're being a coward,

and she deserves
better than that.

The rings of Jupiter.

Saturn!

- Ainsley.
- That's right.

- The bitch is back.
- Oh, honey.

I've been so worried about you.

I was almost certain
you'd kill yourself.

Oh, well, thank you, Tony,
but I'm okay.

- How are things around here?
- Um...

It has been a nightmare
without you.

Tony 2 makes us start at 10:00
and work until 5:00.

Those would be the store hours.

Why don't you dust
the decorative birds?

Are you sure it's not too soon
for you to be coming back?

- Mm.
- Mm, I know myself.

The best thing for me to do
is to just forget about Kash

and weddings and work.

Hmm.

Hi, welcome
to Ainsley Howard Designs.

I'm Ainsley Howard.
How can we help you?

Oh, we just got married
and would love

for you to decorate
our new home.

We want it to be as beautiful
as the love we share.

Let's get started.

Hey, Julia.

Wow, the National Gallery.

And who knew they had so much
great art?

I wanted to pick a public place

where you couldn't make a scene

and Westminster Abbey
was closed.

They're doing
another Churchill movie.

Well, I'll try to be quiet,

but American talking
is British screaming.

Sorry.

When I contacted you a year ago,

it was to get
medical information.

If you wanted to be a father
so badly,

you could have tried when I was
pregnant five years ago.

I didn't know you were pregnant.

You just left a message
saying we needed to talk.

Which you ignored.

Because I thought you wanted

to talk about us dating,

and I wasn't ready
for commitment.

A child is the ultimate
commitment, you twat.

And I don't need you
breaking her heart

when you realize
that being a parent is more

than just kicking a football
back and forth.

What's this?

It's a document saying
that you agree

to give up all
your parental rights.

I want it signed by Monday.

Wow. You went to a
lawyer and everything.

- I am a lawyer.
- A very good lawyer.

Monday.

Wow.

You shush.

- Darling.
- Hmm?

I was wondering,
tonight maybe we could watch

a bit of the snooker
and maybe...

You could stay sober and drive
me home from the club.

No, I'm going to game night.

I thought maybe you could
come too?

Oh, no, I'd rather die.

Thank you, though.

- Oh, this table's lovely.
- Oh, but the sharp corners...

I just worry if we have
a baby...

But that's a long way off.

What?

I was going to wait
until tonight to tell you.

We're having a baby?

Yeah!

- Do you have any champagne?
- Sure.

Let me get some.

Congratulations, again.

Thank you.

Every time a relationship
has ended,

I've always known why:
Mooch, possessive,

kisses his mom on the lips,
is Russell Brand.

But with Kash, I don't know why.

And I loved him so much.

Mm-hmm.

- What do you mean "mm-hmm"?
- I'm agreeing with you.

No, that's the "mm-hmm"
you give me

when I ask if I would look good
with bangs,

which I would, by the way.

Mm-hmm.

Listen, when I was 14,
I fell madly in love

with George Michael,
knew everything about him.

Likes: Cross earrings,
dislikes: Famine in Africa.

In my mind, we were one.

Okay, what does this
have to do with me and Kash?

I'm afraid you knew
your fiancé less

than I knew George Michael,
whom I never met.

Excuse me, we were soul mates.

Okay, so, what did you get
him for his birthday?

Whiskey stones and an iPad.

Oh, my God, such a great gift.

- Yeah.
- If he were your stepfather.

Tell me... tell me what
you liked about him.

The sex was great,
he's charming, he's smart...

I liked the way he dressed.

Maybe the things I love
about him transcended words.

- Hey, yo, Kash!
- Kash!

Yo, my brother! Come here, man.

- Basheer.
- Yeah.

How's it going, man?

I heard you was back
in our ends.

It's been ages, man.

- Yeah, temporarily.
- Yeah, I'm staying with my dad.

- Yes, of course.
- I heard about the wedding.

I'm very sorry about that.

Literally everyone's been
talking about it, though.

You need to know that, yeah?

Not that I have any confirmed
details, of course,

'cause it's not like
you invited me

or any of the old crew, so...

Oh, right, yeah.

I'm... I'm sorry about that, man.

I guess you're not going
on the honeymoon then.

No, just staying at home
every night with my dad.

- That's great news.
- I'll tell you why.

That means you're free to come
to my house party tonight.

- Uh...
- Listen, it's a real "who's who" of Hounslow.

- Especially now you're coming.
- I don't know, man.

I'm... I'm not really in the mood
to go to a party tonight.

Listen, I understand.

You're emotional,

but this ain't no normal
house party, brother.

This is DJ Foreplay's
farewell tour.

- Right, yeah, DJ Foreplay.
- What was it?

"He gets you hot and bothered
before the main event."

- So I'll see you there?
- No, probably not, man.

- I'll see you there.
- No, I don't think so.

- Kash, I'ma see you there!
- Later, Bash.

- Good to see you, man.
- Kash, you're coming.

Yeah.

Fuck.

- I need to talk to you.
- Oh, my God! I'm naked.

Well, if you don't want me
to see you naked,

don't take a bath in my tub.

But we don't have tubs at Peath

and they make the teachers use
the boys' showers

and showerheads are so low
that I have to sit on a stool.

Look, I need to know something.

In college, did Craig and Maya
ever have a thing?

- What?
- No.

I'm the one that... uh,
that knows Craig

better than anyone,
and there has never been

anything with Maya.

I don't know.

They've been friends forever

and have great chemistry.

Actually, I have
better chemistry with her.

When we banter, people are like,

"What?
Is this the Gilmore Girls?"

Well, something dodgy's
going on.

Look, I found this necklace.

It's obviously for Maya.

Okay, whoa, whoa.

Let's not jump
to any conclusions, okay?

"M" could mean anything:
Mary, Meghan, Monica...

- Those are other women.
- That doesn't make me feel better.

God, Duffy.

Why don't you just ask him?

Because I don't want him
to think I'm some type

of ultra-possessive
paranoid girlfriend,

which, yes, obviously I am,
Duffy!

But who wouldn't be with all
these Ms running around

stealing everyone's men?

Do you want me to talk to him?

No.

And don't mention the necklace.

The suds have moved.
I've seen your penis.

- Oh... Oh, God.
- What?

Dad, this TV sucks.

What happened to the one
I got you?

I gave it to Sumro from masjid.

He's just moved from Pakistan
and missed his wife,

so I thought I could cheer
him up.

I already gave it
to a Pakistani man

who misses his wife, you.

Pfft.

It may not feel like it,
but in the long run,

maybe this was for the best.

I know,
because she wasn't Muslim,

and she didn't know
how to make roti.

No, no, no, because something
was telling you

this wasn't right.

And even though it wasn't easy,
you listened.

Thanks, Dad.

And now, I have something

which will really cheer you up.

- Lagaan.
- No, Dad, no.

Look, I've watched Lagaan
700 times.

It will definitely not
cheer me up.

Ha.

Fine, I'll just watch it then.
My wife is dead.

Actually, um,
I've got plans tonight.

Love you.

- Uh, "binta's" not a word.
- Use it in a sentence.

I've never "binta" the opera.

Just give it to her.

Okay, yeah,
that's a triple word score,

so she just won.

Wow, good job.

Okay, I'm gonna make a toast.

To Ainsley,

who's had a terrible week.

Maybe the worst week
a woman can possibly have.

Well, Joan of Arc,
Marie Antoinette,

basically any woman born
before 1900...

But the point is,
is that we love you,

and you'll get through this.

We'll help you get through this.

And Kash sucks.

Kash sucks.

- A fox!
- No, no, no, no.

Okay, wait, wait, a squirrel.

How do you say... they're not
supposed to be words.

- You're the worst drawer...
- I am not!

- Your hair smells woodsy.
- What?

- Is that a new shampoo?
- Woodsy?

Oh, it's nothing.

Um, hey, can I ask you
a question about Quentin?

You mean my useless husband
who's too lazy

to attend a party that is
literally across the street?

Yes, what about him?

What did you get him
for his birthday?

A paperweight.

Right, a normal,
practical birthday present.

Well, I hand carved it
in the shape

of a pet tortoise from
his boyhood in Kenya.

Oh.

I'm sorry, I don't know
what I'm doing here.

So, I shouldn't sign
the papers, right?

Well, what does Zara think?

Um, well...

Craig, you still haven't
told her?

- Look...
- Oh, my God.

My girlfriend is not
my confidante.

My girlfriend is who I impress
with fancy restaurants

and make laugh
with my seven jokes.

But this serious shit,
this is why I have friends like you.

I mean, you need to think
about this little girl.

I am.

I mean, who wouldn't want a dad

who has a PlayStation
in every room, huh?

I don't know.

Hey, come here.

It's a hat. Oh, it's a...

It's a scythe.

Rail... a rail.

Are you listening?
I'm saying it.

- You came!
- This party's kickin'!

So good to see you, bro.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Of course, brother, yeah.

It's my guy, the one, the only,

Kashif Khan in the apartment!

Bam-ba-ba-ba-ba-bam-bam-bam-bam
ba-bam!

Ha-ha!

Sorry, they thought you were
gonna be a lady, innit, so...

- What are you doing?
- Nothing. Nothing.

It's just, um, Ted texted me.

He's in town, wants to see me.

- What?
- Crazy, right?

In no world are you ever
thinking about

seeing that guy again,
except in The New York Times,

headline: "Asshole Resigns."

I am obviously not
going to see him.

I was just telling you,
because it's so hilarious

he thinks I might.

He did fly all the way
to London.

- Maya!
- It's nothing. It's nothing.

Please don't tell anybody.
I don't wanna hear about it.

Okay, I won't.

Oh.

Okay.

This person is a man,
uh, an adulterer,

a politician,
and a huge asshole.

Uh, Anthony Weiner.

Ted Spencer.

Nice.

- Ooh, this guy.
- Yep.

He's a total fraud,

he's a senator, and I wish
he was dead,

because he screwed over Maya.

Ted Spencer.

- Ted Spencer, okay.
- My turn.

Oh, okay, this guy sucks.

He's like a monster
and a total pervert.

- It's Ted.
- They're all Ted, I get it.

You've made your point.

That one was Harvey Weinstein.

As Ainsley has apparently
told you,

Ted is in London.

And guess what.
I'm going to see him tomorrow.

But guys, I'm not getting
back together with him, okay?

I am just going so I can
end it forever

and get some closure.

Boo!

Closure isn't real.

It was something women invented

to pester the men
who dumped them.

I think Maya should give it
another try.

She could be
in a committed relationship

thousands of miles
away from here.

Wouldn't that be nice?

Maya, you're an amazing catch.

You don't need him.

She knows that, Craig.

She doesn't need her male
platonic friend

telling her that.

- Enough!
- I am going to see Ted.

I am an adult, okay?

Please respect my decision.

Maya.

- Maya.
- Maya, come on.

It was Ainsley's idea!

I'm so sorry.

- Nice.
- You went to Disneyland Paris.

I didn't just go
to Disneyland Paris.

I met Lumière, Le Cars,
Goofy was there as well.

Can you believe that?
It was a sick day, you know.

Ha!

Cool, uh, I should
probably head out.

You know, I didn't bring
you here

to see all that, now did I?

I brought you here to see this.

So, my mum's cleaning out
my old bedroom.

She's turning it
into a Zumba studio

or some shit like that...

she found this.

Are you ready?
I hope you're ready, brother.

- 'Ello, my boys.
- 'Ello.

You seem
a bit down and out, mate.

I suppose.

What's the problem, then?

That, my friend, is Oliver Twist

at the Hounslow.

- And I haven't eaten a thing.
- Seven days?

What were we, like,
12 years old there or something?

We were 10.

- I'm Oliver.
- Oliver Twist.

You were amazing.

I always thought you were
gonna be an actor, you know?

Nearly did.

I did a lot of theater
at Cambridge,

but after graduation,
I had to get a proper job.

Yeah, I feel you.

That's why I work at
a cell phone store,

even though my passion is DJing.

Speaking of, are you happy
with your plan, man?

Oh, not the time, huh?

Not the time.

I cannot believe
you dressed up for him.

- I didn't.
- You're wearing a padded bra.

- No, I'm not.
- Let me honk your boob.

- Okay.
- Okay, fine.

Why is it so bad I look hot

when I tell Ted to go to hell?

Because you're not going to.

You're just giving him
the opportunity

to talk his way back
into your life.

Look, I know you don't trust me,

but I need to sort
this out with him

before I go back to D. C.

Well, here's an idea.

Don't go back to D. C.

Stay here and try to figure out
your life without him.

- Ainsley, come on.
- That's crazy.

Is it?

You love London,
all our friends are here,

maybe you could meet
somebody new.

There are still a couple
minor royals you can marry.

I'm sorry.

Oh, my God, Liz.

Yeah, my husband
couldn't make it.

What are you doing here?

Ted and I are
on a "let's save our marriage"

European vacation,
which I thought was going well

until I caught him texting
with you.

- Hey, gal pals.
- I'm Stephen.

I'll be helping you ladies out.

Have you had a chance
to take a peek at the menu?

- Just a bottle of wine.
- We don't care what kind.

Ooh, liquid lunch.

Well, I'm sure it's wine
o'clock somewhere, right?

Listen, I am so sorry.

You need to know
the only reason I came here was

to end it for good.

You're not dressed like
you were here to end it.

Nice padded bra, by the way.

I didn't mean to fall in love
with your husband.

- No.
- You're not the victim here.

Which of you gals would like
to taste the wine?

No, "gal," just get out of here.

Ted and I are making it work
until my youngest turns 18,

and then I'm divorcing him,
taking all of his money,

and doing a Grace and Frankie
with my friend.

But until then,
I am staying in this marriage,

and I will not have
my children embarrassed again.

Yes, of course,
I will call him and end it...

No, do not call him,
do not text,

do not meet for coffee
to "get closure,"

just disappear.

Okay.

I'm really sorry.

Look, I know this is
more his fault than yours,

so let me give you a piece
of advice.

Don't fuck
another woman's husband.

And don't build your life
around a man.

Oh, my God.

I know I should have
come sooner.

Before you give me
some bullshit apology,

I should warn you,
one of my Texas relatives

gave us a gun
as a wedding present.

I'm not here to apologize.

I'm here to explain why,
and if the explanation sucks,

you can shoot me.

Fine.

I called off the wedding,
because the person

you were marrying was a lie.

Okay, I'm getting my gun.

Wait, wait, wait!

Look, my whole life
I've been trying

to be something I'm not.

I was embarrassed of who I was
and where I was from.

So I thought,
"Who else can I be?"

And what I landed on was this.

An asshole.

Yeah, kind of.

I went to university
and dropped all of my mates

and pretended I had an interest
in municipal bonds

and got engaged to a beautiful,
funny American girl,

who I didn't believe would have
been interested in the first guy.

And the point is,
I'm a massive fraud.

And I'm incredibly sorry
I didn't figure this out until

the day of our wedding,

but I hope you can see that
none of this was your fault.

You know,
I've been waiting all week

to hear why you decided
to blow up

our perfect relationship,

but it wasn't perfect.

I didn't really know you,

and the disturbing thing is,
I didn't care.

Because I liked that fake guy
you described,

and I wanted to marry him.

Before you go...

This is yours.

- Ains, I'm really sorry.
- You should be.

- I just spoke to Ainsley.
- You were right.

I owed her an explanation,
and to be honest...

Yeah, to Ainsley... not me.

Hey, hey, I made nachos.

Fully loaded, queso, 'penos.
You want some?

Yeah.

Do you have a thing for Maya?

- What?
- No!

Then why did you buy her
a necklace with an M on it?

That... wasn't for her.

How do you know about that?

I-I went through your stuff.

I wanted to know
your clothing sizes

for future birthdays.

Dude, your feelings for Maya
are making you crazy.

I'm not crazy!

You've been pining after her
for a decade.

You got to grow up.

We both do.

You're right.

What am I doing?

I-I just have to let this go.

- Yes.
- That's my boy.

Then maybe Maya will find
her way back to me...

- No!
- Stop!

- I'm kidding.
- I'm kidding.

Hey, Tabby, you got a minute?

Hey, I just wanted to know
if your offer

to see Angels in America
was still on the table.

Oh, they canceled it
after opening night.

The administration decided
it wasn't appropriate

for a 13-year-old
to play Roy Cohn.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Well, would you still
like to get a drink

with me sometime?

Oh, no, I've actually gotten
a really serious boyfriend

since I saw you last.

- Ah, no, I see.
- I'm sorry.

- I'm so stupid.
- I just...

So it's a date?

Okay.

Julia, this won't take long.

Molly is my daughter too, okay?

- I knew I shouldn't have come.
- No, hold up, hold up.

Now, I know I wasn't supposed
to meet her, but I did.

And honestly, I think I could
be a great dad.

I tell boring stories,
I love golf,

I use Rogaine.

- But this isn't about you.
- Exactly.

It is about Molly,
which is why...

I signed these.

As a lawyer, I'm surprised.

But as a mum, thank you.

Also, I, uh, I got her this.

You don't have to give it
to her,

but it doesn't look good on me.

Craig, you're a dead man.

- I knew you were cheating!
- Zara, Zara, calm down.

- I am not cheating on you.
- I knew it!

- I should leave.
- Yeah, you better walk, you home-wrecker.

Is that what you want,
a classy woman

with a fancy job
who probably never got fired

from Topshop
for abusing her discount?

No, that's not what I want.

I can't believe you would do
this to me on my birthday.

It's not your birthday.

It is my birthday month!

You should be ashamed
of yourself!

Zara, I am not having an affair.

I have a daughter.

She's your daughter?

But she's so old.

Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't want to just drop
this whole thing on you.

I wanted to have it
figured out first.

We're supposed to figure out
things together.

We're a team, Craig.
We're Zara and Craig.

Zraig, Craig. Zraig.

We are Zraig.

I'm sorry I wasn't honest
with you.

And all this week I was thinking

you were cheating on me
with Maya.

No.

The way you two
were sneaking around...

No, I just wanted to get her
opinion on what I should do,

and why does everyone think
I'm cheating with Maya?

It feels racial.

Wait. So you told Maya
before you told me?

Zara, don't be upset.

Don't you tell your girlfriends
everything before you tell me?

- No.
- No, I don't.

I tell everything to you first
because I trust you the most.

- I'm sorry.
- I just didn't think you'd understand.

Wouldn't understand?

Craig, if I'm not someone

you come to
when you've got a problem,

what am I to you...

Just some fit bird
with fake tits

and a tight ass
and perfect teeth

who laughs at your five jokes?

You think it's only five?

We don't have
a real relationship, Craig.

Dear Ted, your wife
told me not to contact you,

but there are some things
I need to say.

Five years ago,
my friends moved to London,

but I stayed behind
to work for a handsome,

idealistic congressman.

I told myself
I stayed for my career,

but the truth is
I stayed for you.

I wish I could blame you,
but that was my choice,

and I have to take
responsibility for it.

One thing I will not do

is waste any more time living
your life instead of mine.

Maya.

Bye, Ted.

Oi! Why are you throwing
rubbish in the river?

Oh, sorry.

- Of course.
- American.

You know, just because
we don't have guns

doesn't mean
we're not still cops.

Sorry.

So I think you'll find
every thank-you note there,

from Abramson
to Zuckerberg-Chan.

Oh. Gemma.

Oh, my... this is...
This is truly amazing.

Oh, my God, you're such
a good friend.

Thank you.

Do these smell like scotch?

No.

No, it's probably just, um...

The glue.

- Hey.
- Hey!

So you know you had
that stupid idea

that I should stay in London?

I think...

- I think I'm gonna do it.
- Are you serious?

Yeah, I know I don't have a job,

and I brought, like,
three pairs of underwear,

but I was walking home tonight,
and I just...

I just had this feeling

that this is
where I'm supposed to be.

- It is! It is!
- I've been feeling the same way!

- This is crazy.
- I'm moving to London!

Are you quite sure?

- We need champagne.
- Yes.

- We have to celebrate.
- Oh, my God, come on.

You know,
London isn't what it once was.

Brexit.

The traffic at Wimbledon.

There's too many cobblestones.
You'll sprain an ankle.

You have to ask for water
at restaurants.

People are
really into pub trivia!

You know where is a great place
to get a fresh start?

Brazil!

Go to bed.