Four Weddings and a Funeral (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Kash with a K - full transcript

Fuck.

Fuck!

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Fuck! Fuck, fuck!

Fuck, fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Sir!

Mr. Duffy!



Sorry, boys.

I finally got my letter
from Penguin Publishing.

- Yes, Bernard.
- Did they accept your novel?

My fingers still hurt from all the
submissions you made us mail out.

Yeah, um, I don't know.

I'm... I'm too nervous to open it,

so would you, please, Bernard?

Okay.

You can go... you can go faster.

"Thank you for giving us
the opportunity

to consider
the enclosed material."

Okay, so far so good.

"Although it shows
great promise...

We regret that we are unable
to publish it at this time."



It's okay, Mr. Duffy.

Sorry, Mr. Duffy.

It said "great promise."

That's what they say
when something's bad, Bernard.

That's what you said
in my report on The Aeneid.

I'm sorry, Augie.

It sucked.-

- Oh, fuck.

It's your
housewarming present, Craig.

- I love it, there's just...
- Just so much of my butt.

- And my butt cheeks.
- You hate it.

- No, no, no!
- I love it!

It's just a little risqué,
you know?

If my grandma comes
or one of my friends.

Ah, well, of course
your friends would hate it.

- They hate everything I do.
- What are you talking about?

- My friends love you.
- No, they don't.

They think I'm trashy
and that my boobs are fake...

Which they are, but
your friends don't know that.

Who cares what anyone else
thinks, okay?

You're my girl...

and I want you
to move in with me.

- - Wait, are you serious?
- Yeah.

Look, I've dated a lot of women.

A lot.

Six different girls
asked me to prom,

one of them my Spanish teacher.

This is gonna circle back
to something romantic

about me, right?

I love you.

And I've never said that
to anybody.

Well, my mom,
and one time to LeBron James

when I saw him
at the grocery store.

Craig, I love you, too.

Um...

who took this photo?

Fuck, I can't believe I'm 30.

Well, that's not old.

At 30, Meghan Markle was still
in her first marriage.

Now, are you sure this has
to be a costume party?

Yes, everybody has to dress up

as their favorite
rom-com character.

It's just, the English
don't really do theme parties.

Unless the theme
is "simmering class conflict,"

in which case
that's every party.

- Oh, I got to take this.
- Hey, bitch.

You ready for the best weekend
of your life?

Oh, my God, yes.

I'm on the red-eye tonight.

I can't get out
of New York fast enough.

Rough morning?

Yeah, I have aquarium gravel
in my bra.

I think I'll just leave it
at that.

Oh, hmm.

Let me guess: Does it have
something to do

with your married boyfriend?

Hey, you know,
you're very judgmental

for a woman who dated the guy

who organized the Fyre Festival.

He said he knew Ja Rule!

Anyway, I can't wait for you
to meet my new guy, Maya.

He is a good one.
He's smart, he's funny.

- He's not gay, for once.
- Ooh, I bet I'll love him.

Hey, I hope
your morning gets better.

Well, it couldn't get any worse.

- Maya, you're late.
- Ted's looking for you.

I got to go.

That was abrupt.

- Is your shirt wet?
- No, it's dry.

It's normal.

So how did Ted do at
the Bodo Latino breakfast?

- Great.
- They loved his speech.

Well, I guess it was
your speech.

Did he try to sing Despacito?

Yes, but I cut off his mic
before he got to the rap part.

- That's my girl.
- Maya, you're late.

So if it's not too much
of an inconvenience

I need to see you in my office.

You're 45 minutes late.

I'm so sorry.

I know I should have
woken you up

but you were snoring so cute.

No, no, this morning
was not cool.

All those texts?
"Get out, she's coming."

I felt like I was in
a horror movie.

And the black people
always get murdered first.

I know, I know, and I'm sorry.

Liz never goes
to our apartment in the city

but there's a crow trapped
in our chimney in Scarsdale.

Okay, huge day ahead.

I tried to sing Despacito
earlier, which did not go well.

- Ted, we need to talk.
- Okay, shoot.

I'm not doing this anymore.

Your poor wife.

- Hey, come on.
- We've been through this.

My marriage is over.

I've been sleeping
in the basement

on the pool table for a year.

Yeah, okay, but I still get
Christmas cards

of you and your family
in matching sweaters.

Yeah, those are bad.

I love you, but I'm done.

Wait, wait, come on.

Hey.

I'm done, too.

That's why I'm gonna
tell her tonight.

No, you're not.

We're already enough of a cliché

without you pretending you're
going to leave your wife.

- No, no.
- Listen, listen.

I... I didn't want
to say anything yet,

but I've already hired a lawyer.

My kids are away at video game
camp this weekend.

All I got to do is tell her.

Okay?

I wanna be with you, Maya.

Well, I want
to be with a senator,

so stop kissing
your communications director

and get back to work.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the captain has just illuminated

the "fasten seatbelts" sign,

as we are now
in our final approach

to London Heathrow.

Please be sure
to stow your tray tables...

You're not supposed to turn
that on until we've landed.

I'm waiting for an important
text from my boyfriend.

Oh, your boyfriend.

Then by all means,
crash the plane.

You know, you didn't
have to come all the way

down to Heathrow
just to have breakfast with me.

- I didn't come for you.
- I came for your blood sugar.

If I'm not here
you'll just have coffee

and a chocolate bar.

Dr. Oz says dark chocolate
has antioxidants,

so the joke is on you.

You know, I saw Salman
at masjid yesterday.

Mm-hmm?

I made sure to tell him
how well you are doing.

I showed him one
of your paystubs.

- Dad, don't do that.
- That's embarrassing.

I pray for Salman.

Imagine the tragedy
of having a son

who is a comic book artist.

I think it's cool
he's following his dream.

Thank Allah your dream
was investment banking.

Your mother would be so proud.

Oh, no. We have got a situation
at the luggage counter.

- Shrieking American?
- Always.

It's always that.

- I'm so sorry, ma'am.
- Tell me what happened.

Okay, I have explained
three times...

- I'll handle this.
- Hi. Please, I need my bag.

I took the wrong one
off the carousel.

- Calm down. Calm down, ma'am.
- Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure
this is not

my triple-XL Orlando t-shirt.

Listen, I work in politics,
and that bag has

some highly classified material
in it.

- I'm sorry, can I help you?
- No, nothing.

"Highly classified."

Didn't realize Jack Ryan
flew commercial.

- Oh, great, yeah.
- Pithy comments.

That's exactly
what the situation needed.

Look, don't worry, ma'am.

We'll file a missing bag report
and call you within 48 hours.

I'm gonna be back in New York
in 48 hours!

I can't buy all new clothes!

I don't understand
British sizes!

Okay, okay.

Uh, there is an unclaimed
baggage center offsite.

Uh, I can't take you there
right now,

but maybe my son can.

What?

Dad, I can't hang out at the airport
all day! I've got to go to work.

Please?

I feel like I misjudged you.

- Only for Haroon.
- Thanks, man.

Right, what does
your suitcase look like?

Medium sized, black.

Ah.

It has wheels?

So, what's your high-profile
job in New York?

I work for a congressman
running for senate.

A new day for New York.

- What?
- That's a terrible slogan.

- Who came up with that?
- I did.

It's a great slogan.

We tested it with
multiple demographics...

Including male Indian voters...
And everybody loved it.

- Look, I'm not Indian.
- I'm Pakistani.

Oh, gosh, I am so sorry.

You know, that's like
when people ask me,

"Where are you from?"

But what they really mean is,
"You look kind of black.

Explain."-

- So what do you do?

I'm a...

I'm an actor.

- Ooh, cool.
- Are you in anything I know?

- Uh, probably not.
- I mostly do theater.

Shakespeare.
But modern stuff, too.

Caryl Churchill,
Debbie Tucker Green.

Ooh, have you ever been in
Mamma Mia!?

- Ugh, I loved that show.
- No, not Mamma Mia!

Definitely not Mamma Mia!

Have you even seen it?

No.

So what do you think?

What's the opposite
of goosebumps?

- I think I've got that.
- Oh, come on!

Colin Firth, Pierce Brosnan,
Meryl Streep.

How does one film waste
so much talent?

Excuse you, this is
Meryl Streep's greatest role.

Oh, really? So not Sophie's
Choice or Kramer vs. Kramer?

Sing one song
from either of those movies.

You can't.

You got me there.

Maybe I only like it
'cause my mom and I saw it

on Broadway a couple of months
before she died.

Now do you think it's good?

I'm sorry.

I lost my mom too.

How old were you?

I was 12.

20.

It's more recent. Sadder.

- Oh, sorry.
- Uh, they're private.

You all right?

Have you ever had the feeling

you've gone down the wrong path?

Like, somewhere along the line
you've made a bad choice

and now it's too late
to go back?

I feel like that
literally every day.

I'm not really an actor.

What?

But you are Pakistani,
though, right?

Yes, very.

I'm an investment banker.

Why would you lie about that?

Well, I hate my job, and...

I've always wanted to act.

Still do, but...

I guess I kept making decisions
in my life

to please other people
and, like you said,

now it seems too late.

Oh, my God, this is my suitcase!

I've been sitting on it!

- What?
- I've been sitting on it!

Well, I'm off.

Uh, maybe one day
I'll be watching a play

in the West End
and you'll walk out onstage

and I'll be like,
"Hey, it's suitcase guy."

I hope you're right.

Next time,
put a pink ribbon on it.

So you know it's yours.

Okay.

Well...

bye.

Damn, Ainsley.

- Hi.
- Oh.

You must be Maya.
I've been dying to meet you.

My name's Gemma.
I'm Ainsley's best friend.

Come on in.

Ainsley just nipped out to get some
last-minute bits for her birthday party.

- Make yourself at home.
- Oh.

- Oh, here, let me take those.
- It's for Ainsley.

Twinkies are her favorite and
they don't have them here, so...

- Oh, she's off sugar.
- She won't eat these.

Please, in college
she'd pound like ten of these

without even chewing.

Oh, were you at college
with Ainsley, too?

I always thought of Ainsley,
Duffy, and Craig

as more of a trio.

No, there were
always four of us.

Forgive me, I just assumed.

You know, because they all
moved to London

and left you behind.

Well, we all did a semester here

and wanted to move back
to London after graduation,

but I got a great job in
New York and decided to stay.

Good for you.

I love my child too much
to work.

Hmm.

And, uh, how... how do you
and Ainsley know each other?

- Oh, I live across the street.
- Oh.

But our friendship transcends
being mere neighbors.

Ainsley saw me through a very...

dark time.

Oh.

We were renovating
our country home

and the bathroom tile I had
selected was discontinued.

She's an amazing person.

- Yeah, I agree.
- Me, too.

Well, you can't agree
if you said it.

Maya, you're here!

Ooh, gosh!

Oh, I'm so excited!

Oh, shit.

I'm not really eating sugar
right now.

That's okay.

Mm.

Mm.

Phew.

What do you think of my costume?

Are you a homeless man?

- If so, you nailed it!
- What? No.

Dude, I'm Lloyd Dobler
from Say Anything...

How do you not know that?

I didn't spend all
of high school watching movies.

I played sports
and hooked up with girls.

That feels pointed.

Look, Craig...

I called you
for a pep talk, man.

I'm gonna tell Maya tonight.

- You sure?
- 'Cause she's still with Ted.

Yeah, and Ted's still
with his wife.

Look, how often
does Maya come to London?

I feel like it's now or never.

- Okay, dude.
- You got this.

You got this.
You've liked her for ten years.

She'd be lucky to be with you.

You're not some nerd
in a dorm anymore.

Well, actually, I still do
live in a dorm,

but thank you.

- - That's true.
- Craig?

- I got to go.
- You got this, my Duff.

All right,
appreciate it, brother.

Craig?

Why are you not dressed yet?
The party's about to start.

You look great.

Are you like a bar wench?

I'm Ella Enchanted, Craig.

Ella Enchanted.
How do you not know that?

Oh, damn it.

I was just kidding, Zara!
I knew what you were!

Craig!

Put your costume on!

Or don't, and we'll just say
you're Will Smith in Hitch.

That's Maya.

- Pretty.
- Horrible.

Quite.

- Duffy!
- Hi!

I'm so happy to see you.

- Me, too.
- You look so great.

No one gets my costume.

Monica from Love & Basketball.

Yeah, we watched it
spring freshman year.

- Remember?
- Yeah, how could I forget?

We killed that box of wine
and then I had sex with Kyle.

Kyle, my roommate.

Right.

Hey, do you want
to go somewhere and talk?

Yeah, sure.

Um, let me get us some drinks

and I'll meet you in the garden.

- Yes.
- No, yes, perfect.

Okay, uh, see you soon.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I'll have two of those.

Oh, sorry.

Hi.

- Suitcase guy?
- Hi!

I can't believe you're here.

I was about to say
the same thing.

When I left the airport
I was thinking, "Wow",

"this guy helped me find my stupid
suitcase and I didn't even thank him,

and now I'm never gonna
see him again."

- But here you are.
- Yep.

- So thank you.
- My name's Maya.

- - "Maya"?
- Oh, my God!

I was looking for you two!

Kash, this is
my best friend, Maya.

Maya, this is my boyfriend,
Kash.

Wait... wait, this is Kash?

- Your boyfriend Kash?
- Yes.

- Why are you so surprised?
- No, I'm not.

It's just, when you hear "Kash"

you think of, like,
a bad LA rapper.

Not, like, a nice ethnic Kash
with a "K."

Ooh, Maya.

Kash's father works
at the airport.

Maybe he could help you find
that cute guy you met there.

Uh, I don't remember
mentioning anything about that.

- Are you insane?
- You were gushing.

She called him "Ryan Gosling
dipped in caramel."

- What? No.
- Yeah, you did.

You also said, "Super hot.
Bangable."

I did not say that.

Uh, that's... that's very nice.

Big M!

Craig. I so hate that nickname.

Have you met Kash?

- We just met.
- Craig set us up.

They work at Goldman together.

Kash was recently promoted
to vice president

of middle market
leveraged buyout lending.

I have no idea what that means,
but I love how fancy it sounds.

- So is Zara here?
- I'd love to meet her.

Yes, will you go over
and talk to her?

She's gonna make me leave
before I even get buzzed,

'cause she thinks my friends
don't like her.

It is not that.

We just don't want to get
attached to another girl

you end up dumping
after a couple months.

- Not this one.
- We're moving in together.

What?

- Mate, congrats!
- That's awesome.

Maybe in a decade or two,
I'll be ready to get married.

Well...- -

- All right, come on.
This calls for a celebration.

Let's go. Toasts? Yes.

- Can you believe?
- Champagne.

Isn't Kash great?

He is.

Maya, you are
the perfect woman for me.

You're beautiful. You're smart.

We're both allergic
to the same tree nuts.

And I've been in love
with you for a long time.

I keep having these dreams...

- Oh, hi.
- What are you doing?

- Uh, nothing.
- Sorry.

Sorry about this. Sorry.

Stop, stop, stop!

So what's up?

Have you seen
my husband, Quentin?

Sometimes when
he's been overserved,

he falls asleep in shrubs.

It reminds him
of his childhood in Kenya.

Yeah, no, I haven't seen him.-

- Is Maya in there?
- Yes.

She's reminiscing very loudly
with all your friends.

Oh, cool.

Well, if you see her could...
Could you not tell her

I'm out here, but maybe imply
that I'm out here?

Are you that man
from Say Anything?

Yes, yes, you're the first
person to get that.

I am.

Are you trying
to seduce someone like this?

- No, yeah...
- No I'm just chilling.

Good, because that
would be pitiful.

- Yeah, totally.
- I agree.

Yeah.

- Oh, hey.
- Hi again.

Are you waiting for the loo?

Me, too.

I didn't actually say you were caramel
Ryan Gosling. Oh, you don't have to...

I mean, I said those words,

but I was exaggerating
for storytelling purposes.

Of course.

Compared to Ryan Gosling,
I'm grotesque.

I actually said Brian Gosling.

Yeah, you wouldn't know him.

He's an American celebrity
known for his average looks.

Oh, right, okay.

That stuff about hating my job
and wanting to give it all up

to be an actor, do you mind
not telling Ainsley?

- Oh, I would never.
- Already forgotten.

Thanks, I appreciate it.

- Sorry, sorry.
- Fell asleep on the loo.

Not my fault. I was overserved.

Wow.

- I'll come back.
- I'm just...

- Oh, yeah, cool.
- Okay.

Hey.

Why are you calling me?
I said I would call you.

- - Did you tell her?
- Hold on.

Uh, Maya,
I was going to, I swear.

Oh, my God.

But you changed your mind.

No, no, did you see
the new Quinnipiac poll?

We're up by three points.

Holy shit.

I bet it was that Politico
video you did on fair housing.

Yeah, the one
that you made me do.

- This is all you, Maya.
- I can't believe it.

We could actually win.

I don't love that
my communications director

can't believe I could
actually win, but yeah.

We're so close.
That's why I... you know.

Can't tell her now.

It could jeopardize
the whole campaign.

Right, but as soon as we win.

I swear to God, okay?

I love you.

I know.

- Look, I got to go.
- Okay, bye.

Hey, were you waiting
for me out front?

Because I was out back.

It's amazing.

Nice!

I'm never going
to a costume party again.

One guy thought
I was Scottie Pippen.

I thought it was fun!

Although, nobody used
the official hashtag.

I mean, was hashtag "Ainsley's
totally awesome 30th"

"rom-com birthday bash" so hard
to add to your photos?

Yeah, it was so fun.

Except for the three hours
I spent outside.

Still waiting on that drink.

- Oh, I know.
- I'm so sorry, Duffy.

You weren't really
waiting outside for me

for, like, three hours,
were you?

Oh, no, no.

Yeah, there was, like,
tons of people out there and...

Yeah, people started saying, like,
"Yeah, the real party is out here, so"...

- Like, who said that?
- Uh, yeah, I don't know.

Just people, so...
But the point is,

I was having a great time.

I wasn't just out there
on my own

or waiting for Maya, so... Craig,
can you help me out here?

- Craig?
- Get off of your phone.

Really? Facebook? Are you 60?

- Okay, sorry.
- Sorry, sorry.

No more phone.

So, how long are you here for?

- Oh, she's staying forever.
- Mm.

Come on, can't you just stay
for a little while?

- Like, just until I die?
- I know, I'd love to.

But I have to get back tomorrow.

Ted has a thing.

Yeah, a wife.

- Oh, ha, ha, ha.
- Hilarious.

I forgot how funny bankers are.

Oh.

Actually, Kash is really funny.

- Sometimes he sends me memes.
- What?

No. No, he's not.

I'm the funny one in the office.

Everyone's always like,
"Do Denzel!

"Do Denzel!" And I'm like...

I see you.

- My man.
- God.

It genuinely upsets me
when you do that.

- It's not bad.
- It's terrible.

- It's great.
- I do not like that.

Uh, speaking of Kash,
what's the deal?

- Is he serious?
- Oh, who knows?

I mean, the last thing I want
to do is rush into anything.

They're ready for you.

Ms. Jones! Ms. Jones!

Are the rumors true?

Sadly, yes.

As of this morning,
Senator Spencer and his wife

have officially separated.

They ask that you respect
their privacy

during this trying time.

Ms. Jones!

Oh, my God. What's wrong?

Oh, no.

You're not having
second thoughts, are you?

'Cause now would be
a really weird time to dump me.

No, I just never thought
it would happen.

You actually did it,

and now I get to take
my handsome senator boyfriend

to my best friend's wedding
in London,

the most beautiful city
in the world.

Hey, you're dating
a New York senator.

So if anyone asks,
your favorite city is Utica.

I'm so stupidly happy.

I just hope
your friends like me.

They won't.-

- But we have the rest
of our lives to work on that.

Okay, I'll send a car for 8:00.

- You got it, Senator.
- Bye.

Bye.

Oh, my God,
are you watching this?

Is this something
about The Bachelor?

I told you, black people
don't watch that.

No, it's Ted! Turn on the news!

He was having an affair!

Details coming in now on a breaking story.
It was revealed today

that newly-elected senator
Ted Spencer

has been involved
in an extramarital affair.

Oh, God.

Sources report the woman at
the center of the scandal

is one of the senator's
employees.

Just moments ago
her identity was confirmed.

Oh, no.

Kaylee Haskins,
an NYU sophomore.

Haskins worked for Spencer
and his wife

as a dog walker.

No comment! No comment!

Have some respect! I'm at work!

Kaylee, how long
has it been going on?

Fuck.

Kaylee, tell your story!

Stop!

Ooh!

She said yes!

- Yep!
- We're in love.

Hi, guys!

Sorry, uh, after last week's
flatiron mishap,

I've decided
to stop doing hair tutorials

and focus instead
on another passion: Cooking.

Ah, hey, babe.

What's that smell? Did you fart?

I was live, Craig!

I'm doing a delicious
cookery video

for my YouTube channel.

- Cooking?
- You just boiled eggs.

I don't know how
to do anything else.

Where are you going?
The wedding's in a few hours.

Uh, me and Maya
are just going for a quick run.

She's really in the dumps
about Ted.

- Poor girl.
- Yeah.

It's really tough
being a mistress.

So much sneaking around.

Not that I would know.

Yeah, I'll be sure
to tell her that

to make her feel better.

Hey, and by the way,
do you mind...

- Picking out an outfit?
- Yes, of course.

- I love you.
- My boo.

- Tighter.
- Come on, Nigel.

Oh, Giles.

Hello. When did you get here?

I've been at home
for two days, Daddy.

- Splendid.
- Ah, Cragscross.

You know, that school
has taught seven generations

of Thorpe-Bloods how to be men.

Oh, that's not oolong.

Oh, that's awful.
That's not oolong.

Ramona? Ramona, there you are.

This isn't oolong.
I can't have it.

- Makes my mouth weird.
- I said tighter.

You sure you can breathe
in that lark?

I'll breathe when I'm dead.

Quite right.

Come on, Harvey.

And it's not just
that he cheated on me.

He completely blew up my career.

I was supposed to be
chief of staff for a senator!

And now I've just
lost everything.

- Wait, shut up, shut up.
- "Shut up"?

You're the one that told me
we needed to go on this run

so we could talk.

Yeah, about me.

- Where are we going?
- Come over here.

What?

See those girls over there
playing soccer?

Yeah.

See the one in the red shorts?

- Yeah.
- Getting weirder.

That's my daughter.

- What?
- Wh... holy shit!

You have a daughter? Since when?

About a year ago,
I got a Facebook message

from this woman, Julia,

who claimed we hooked up
when I first moved to London...

Well, that narrows it down
to a million girls.

And that I'm the father
of her kid.

She just had questions
about my medical history

'cause her daughter has asthma.

But after I answered
she stopped responding.

So I hired someone,
and a month ago he found her.

Now some Saturdays...
Most Saturdays...

I come here.

And you're sure it's that girl?

The one in the red shorts?

- In your face!
- Yes!

Okay, yep,
that's definitely her.

Oh, my God, Craig.

- What did everyone say?
- I haven't told anyone yet.

Well, what did Zara say?

Craig.

I wanted to tell you first
to get your opinion!

You're a fixer!

Fix this!- -

Well, as someone who just
got out of a relationship

built on lies,
you need to be honest

with this girl's mom
and with Zara.

Either way, nothing good
ever came out of a guy hiding

in the bushes
at a kids' soccer game.

Molly! Molly! Molly!

Her name is Molly.

Molly! Molly!

Oh, my God, Poppy,

this wedding is gonna be
so ritzy.

Don't take your eyes off

my Insta stories tonight.

Cuff links.

Oh, my God, Poppy, I think I've
just found my birthday present.

I'll call you back when I
find out how expensive it is.

Bye.

Maya.

Okay.

Damn, Dad, you look good.

Pakistani James Bond
in the house.

- I'm Khan.
- Haroon Khan.

One martini.
Shaken, not stirred.

No alcohol please.

Can you guys please be quieter?

I'm trying to practice
my speech in the next room

and the walls are thin.

- Are you okay, Beta?
- Huh?

- Would you like to try it on us?
- Yeah, go on.

I'm fine, I just need
you guys to stop being so lame

so I can practice.

He's kind of
a little shit, isn't he?

He's just nervous.

I'm nervous, too.

Doing the right thing, aren't I?

Marrying Ainsley?

Why would you ask that?

Kashif.

You know I struggled
with you marrying

outside our faith.

But you have always made
the right decisions.

Going to Cambridge.
Choosing a great career.

Agreeing to do a nikkah
after your wedding.

- Only to keep you happy.
- That imam is weird.

He keeps trying to relate
the Quran to pop culture.

And now you're marrying
a woman you love.

So if this is what your heart
is telling you to do,

then you know it's right.

"It does not envy.

"Love is patient.

Love is kind."

Oh, there you are.

Oh, wow, Gemma.

You look great.

It's...

almost like we aren't
wearing the same dress.

Well, different bodies.

How are you holding up, dear?

Ainsley told me everything.

Such is our bond.

I'm not focusing on me
right now.

Sort of my job as maid of honor

to keep today about Ainsley.

Well, good luck
with your reading.

Good luck with yours.

Okay.

"Love is patient.

Love is kind."

Yeah, right.

"It does not envy..."

- Hey.
- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

I just wandered in here
to practice my Bible reading.

Wait, wait, it's fine.

Oh.

- How are you?
- Uh, me?

I'm...

How I am is not important.
How are you?

- Pretty nervous, actually.
- Why?

You're marrying, like,
the best person I know.

And weddings are easy.
You're an actor.

You're already in costume.

Just go out there
and say your lines.

Simple.

Wasn't so simple for
Sophie and Sky's wedding.

- You watched Mamma Mia!
- Yeah, I did.

And for a movie
that makes no sense,

I've got to say, I enjoyed it.

Although, did you think
it was weird

that her mum performed
at her hen night?

- Yes, so weird.
- Right?

But I guess they had
to get their money's worth,

'cause she's dead
in the second one.

- What?
- Meryl's dead?

Oh, my God, why would you
ruin that for me?

I'm so sorry.

Uh, okay, on that note
I should get out of here.

Right, yeah.

The Senator's probably
wondering where you are.

Oh, Ainsley didn't tell you?

- Tell me...?
- He couldn't make it.

'Cause we... we broke up.

And, uh, thought it would be
weird to bring him here

under those circumstances,
being that I hate him

and wish he was dead.

Um, I'm so sorry.

- Yeah.
- Me, too.

Oh, uh, just a second.

Oh.

- There we go.
- Thanks.

Okay, I will let you
get back to it.

- Good luck.
- Thank you.

Oh, fuck.

Hey!

- How are you?
- So good.

And which brings us here today

to celebrate the union of.

Kashif Khan and Ainsley Howard.

And now, a reading

from the Prophet Isaiah.

Instead of doing a reading
from the Bible,

I thought I would instead
turn to the words

of a blind prophet,

a poet who spoke

to the very nature of love.

I know I'm only a bridesmaid,

but I wanted
to express my love...

Emeli Sandé, get out here, girl!

Congratulations.

Good luck.

Jesus Christ,
what a performance.

Oh, sorry.

And now for the reading

from "Paul's First Letter
to the Corinthians,"

the bride's friend
from America: Maya.

Tough act to follow.

Didn't know we could sing.

Love is patient.

Love is kind.

Love is great.

Love is blind?

Um, in the beginning,

God created love.

Thank you, oh, Lord, for love,

thy greatest creation,

given unto us, thy children.

Thank thou.

Yea, though I walk
through the valley

of the shadow of death,
I take a look at my life

and realize
there's nothing left.

- That Gangsta's Paradise?
- That's Gangsta's Paradise.

Nothing left except love.

All you need is love,

because if you can't
love yourself,

how in the hell are you
gonna love somebody else?

Can I get an "amen"?

RuPaul?
Does no one here watch, uh...

Please, just sit.

Yeah.

- Horrible.
- Just horrible.

You were so great.

I think everybody, like,
really liked it.

And now, will the bride
and groom please come forward?

In the sight of God,
do you, Kashif Khan,

take this woman, Ainsley Howard,

to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I, uh...

I...

would love to talk to you
for a second.

What?

I just... I would love
to talk to you.

Somewhere else.

Kash, what are you doing?

Young man, do you take
this woman to be your wife?

I think... I just...

I don't think I do.-

- I don't.

Go to bed.

- I don't.
- You don't?

Maybe?

This season on
Four Weddings and a Funeral...

There has to be some reason
why this happened.

We had the perfect relationship.

You don't just throw that away
for nothing.

You have not been out
of the house for a week.

You know, since
your very public humiliation.

Ainsley,
you'll get through this.

We'll help you.

- And Kash sucks.
- Kash sucks.

I'm gonna tell Maya
that I love her

in front of everyone.

Go big or go home.

Oh, you should go home.

I have a daughter.

Craig, you still
haven't told her?

- I need to talk to you.
- Oh, my God!

I found this necklace.

It's obviously for Maya.

Let's not jump
to any conclusions, okay?

"M" could mean anything:
Mary, Meghan, Monica...

- Those are other women.
- That doesn't make me feel better.

Tell me you don't think
about me too.

I wish things weren't
so complicated.

Have any of you seen Zara?

She's just totally disappeared.

We stick together
like the Spice Girls.

They famously broke up.

Oh, God, this is intolerable.

Someone told me,

you show up for the people
who matter the most to you.

- Good luck, man!
- Love will find a way, bro.

Do you really think
I can do this?

I do.

But I'm wrong about most things.