Flowers (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript

'Dear Maurice, we regret to inform you

'that we have decided to terminate
your contract on Grubbs.

'After careful deliberation,
numerous second chances

'and multiple missed deadlines,

'we feel cessation of
our working relationship

'is best for all concerned.

'We wish you the best
of luck for the future.

'Yours sincerely, Carol...

'And Carroll.'

Excuse me... is this the psychiatry wing?

Yes, yes, it is, yes. How can I help?



Um... I'm... having some trouble

with, er... I think... maybe...

It's OK. Well done for coming in.

- Come on.
- Oh, thank you.

Yeah... um...

So, well, I...

I think I just need some help.

Well, you've come to the right place,

but unfortunately, I'm not a doctor.

Oh. Sorry.

No. I just dress like
a doctor, cos I'm mad.

Right. Um...

Is there any doctors here?

Yeah, there's doctors everywhere.



It's a hospital.

Yeah, of course, yeah.

Thank you.

- Tea.
- Thanks.

Just going to ask, um... if
I could borrow that jacket

that you used to wear?

The one that you said was a big mistake.

Sure.

- You all right.
- Fine. Just resting.

You look... quite bad.

I think it just might be
that it's quite dark in here.

You told Mum yet?

Do you think that maybe you
should just... go to the doctor

or something?

Uh... no, I think I just need
to sit down for a bit more.

Don't worry about me.

OK.

So, we finished our brunch,

then we just started going
for it in the back of a car,

and it was so passionate.

It was like we'd gone
back in a time machine.

Hugo? Can you get ready, now, please?

So, anyway, now Steve is back at home

and Hugo is really happy.

Just watching you all support each other

after all the terrible things
that you've had to deal with,

it really helped put everything
into perspective for us.

- Are you all right?
- Yes, I just... slept badly.

So, well, that's why we wanted to
take you out to dinner, basically...

To say thank you for being
such an inspiration to us.

It only lasted about
two-and-a-half minutes

and I'm pretty sure she
didn't achieve climax.

I don't need to know
the details, thank you.

Just because I'm in love with your wife,

it doesn't mean I can leap into
your bed with her on a Friday night.

Please... anything I can do to make
it up to you, just let me know.

I could build you a bigger,
better writing shed.

That won't be necessary.

All right, then.

Punch me.

It's only fair. Go on.

Punch me in the face, as many times
as you like, as hard as you can.

Please... just once.

Covered in Satan's piss!

Look, I... I really, really
want to make it up to you.

Maurice, I'm begging you.

Morning! Have you seen Barry anywhere?

He's in the cabin with your husband.

Said he needed to have a chat
with him about something.

Oh. What about?

Oh, he said that he'd done something
awful and that he deserved to die.

Oh! Sounds very melodramatic.

I'm sorry, Deborah. I
couldn't keep it a secret.

I had to tell him the whole truth.

I refuse to take payment for a year.

I think you should just hit me
over the head with that shovel.

Ryan, give her the shovel.

- Blabbermouth.
- What's happened?

We committed the act of heavenly darkness.

We lay in sin.

Um... OK.

Dad?

Dad!

Oi! Joan of Arc...

What the hell?

- Did Dad lend you that jacket?
- Mm-hm.

Unfair!

There's something wrong with Dad.

I think he's got cancer.

Hi, Maurice.

This fucking hat...

Ludicrous.

Did you perhaps have a chat
with Barry this morning?

Maybe we should talk about that,

instead of playing with
your father's magic stuff.

Can't you see that I've
got more important things

on my mind right now?

Like what?

Like the fact that the Carrolls have
just dropped Grubbs, for instance.

And there's all this
stupid crap to sort through.

I hate magic. I hate it.

Well, Barbara has invited us out
for dinner, to say thank you,

for being an inspiration to them,

so... well, we've got that
to look forward to, at least.

Well, I don't want to go.

Great.

Well, I've told them that
we are, so you have to.

That's very democratic, isn't it?

How are my two lovely children?

What are you both up to?

Oh, you've got make-up on.

Oh, it's very nice.

Excuse me. Mr Flowers.

Fuck off, Shun.

I have idea, Mr Flowers.

Very big shame Grubbs is cancel,

but Carol and Carroll very
positive, some of my projects.

Please... this is very
simple traditional comic.

I think definitely success.

So, I've just spoken to your
father, and we've got some bad news.

- They've dropped Grubbs. - What?
- Is that why he's being so weird?

Probably. I can't think
what else it would be?

- Have you asked him?
- Hm?

Have you asked him if
anything else is going on?

Course I have. Why? Has
he said something to you?

So he has? Great secret-keeping.

Amy, what's he said?

Amy, we have to talk about
this. It's very important.

- Where are you going?
- It doesn't matter.

♪ Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee... ♪

Super Flowers! Protect world
from dangerous monster!

You write story, I draw picture.

Is this a joke?

We are team, Mr Flowers.

No. We're not a team, Shun.

You're just a person we
hire to do the pictures.

No wonder I haven't been able to focus, when
you're constantly farting about on other things,

most of which is basically porn.

- It's unbelievably distracting.
- You unbelievably...

Then I discover you're buttering
up the Carrolls behind my back

with these ridiculous
cartoons of me and my family.

I gave you a job. I've given
you a house, for heaven's sake.

Not house, Mr Flowers... tiny office,
very uncomfortable for sleeping.

You are always snore very
loud, like big dinosaur.

Well, why don't you draw a
picture of me as a dinosaur,

with a ten-foot penis and
some breasts on my head?

Why you not tell truth, Mr Flowers?

You are stupid idiot,

everything complete muddle, all you fault.

I've been trying, Shun.
It's just not very easy.

You are not easy.

Arrrggghhh!

(Donald?)

What's matter, Donald?

Donald, what's matter?

The cogs of my heart are all asunder.

Cogs of my heart all asunder...

Cogs of my...

Girl trouble?

Yeah.

Donald...

Donald, I have a very good
advice for you, Donald.

Will make girl very happy.

Just give little tickle...
Little, tiny tickle all over,

make girl very happy, Donald.

That's the weirdest
advice I've ever heard.

What's wrong with you?

You've not even got a book to work
on, now... why don't you just leave?

I have plan, Donald.
Everything will be happy.

No-one likes you.

We are friends, Donald.

We're not friends.

- Maurice!
- I'm getting ready.

Why is Shun in the fucking car?

- Get out, Shun.
- Good evening, Mrs Flowers. I will drive.

No, thank you, get out.

You must have a relax this
evening, have a drink, Mrs Flowers.

- Get out!
- I will...

OK, one second, for the seatbelt.

Oh, my gosh...!

Let go of the seatbelt!

Mrs Flowers, if you can have a
conversation with your husband,

I think will be very big help.

Maybe have a little snifter, good mood...

Oh, it's my fault, is it?

I think if you are welcome him,

maybe conversation will be more simple.

Sometimes, maybe your manner is
little bit terrify Mr Flowers...

Oh, you've got some
nerve, mister, some nerve.

- Something need to happen.
- I tell you what needs to happen...

You need to butt the hell out.

Very confused, Mrs Flowers.

So am I, Shun. So am I.

Can I get you anything to drink?

Uh... oh, I'll just have a
pina colada or something.

- Pina colada?
- Yeah, no. Um...

Can I just have a burger, then?

I'll have a pina colada.

Oh, yeah. Me too, then.

- And a burger. - Yeah, and a
burger. And loads of condiments.

- Thank you!
- Thank you.

Maurice?

Sorry, we're a little bit late.

I just thought I'd come and say hello.

Hello.

Steve, Hugo's dad.

- Oh. - Sorry. - Right.

- Oh... couldn't pinch one
of them, could I? - Sure.

Cheers, nice one.

Yeah.

It's nice to meet you, finally.
I've heard so much about you,

through Barbara... and Hugo.

He thinks you're great.

Yeah, he...

Well, he loves Grubbs.

I used to read it to him
before bed, sometimes. I...

In a weird kind of a way, I kind
of feel like I know you already.

Hm.

You don't.

- No.
- You don't know me.

Yeah. No.

What?

No, nothing, just...

Yeah. Thank you. Very nice. Thank you.

You're hungry.

So, who's Penny, anyway?

That thing that you
wrote, Penny's Passage,

is that an ex or something?

Mm... No. Penny died in
the early sixth century.

- You not heard of her?
- No.

No, I haven't.

So, there was this pagan
ceremony called The Passage,

where if you wanted to marry a
man from the neighbouring village,

they'd cut your hand,

so you could mingle your blood
with the earth of your home.

And then they'd gift you a horse

and you'd ride it over this sacred bridge

and across the holy
lake out of the forest.

And that was how they sent
you on to your new life.

And you were allowed to have sex
and have children and everything.

- I think I ran over that bridge!
- Yeah!

So, because Penelope had
Asperger's or something,

- she wasn't allowed to
do The Passage. - Shit!

Even though she was in love
with this blind boy called Barney

- from a village about four
miles away. - Barney? - Yeah.

So anyway, this one night,
there was a giant storm.

And Penny sneaked out to this pen
where they kept these horses.

And basically, the horses
were a bit freaked out by her

but there was this one horse,

it just seemed to quite like Penny.

So she sneaked it out of the pen,

and started riding it around
the forest through the rain.

Like, basically doing The Passage.

She got so excited, she let out
this strange biblical howl.

Which was stupid, because
the whole tribe heard it,

and saw her belting it through the forest,

and were like, "She is not allowed
on that horse, get her back!"

But she just kept going and going
and she was faster than them.

So she galloped over the
sacred bridge, across the lake,

and did the four miles through the
mud all the way to Barney's hut.

And then they made love...

in the storm.

And it was amazing.

And then what happened?

And then... they hanged
her. For being a witch.

But at least she fucking did it, you know?

Hey!

What are you doing?!

And having that time apart
has really opened our minds.

And we're even thinking... I can't
believe I'm telling you this,

but we're even thinking of trying
a sort of more open relationship.

- Oh, yes? - Yeah, well, we both
have people that we want to, um...

well, to be frank, have sex
with. Apart from each other.

And since Steve's already spent
a few nights with Miss Collins...

She's stunning, by the way,
used to be a high-jumper.

.. I thought it would be fair for me

to have an equivalent experience
with someone I like the look of.

Sounds very healthy.

Don't worry, we're not about
to start propositioning you,

- that's not what this is about.
- Hm. Great.

- Only thing is, we do
have a rule. - Yeah.

Which is, we are not allowed
to fall in love with anyone.

How can you have a rule
not to fall in love?

- It's not a choice. - It's funny,
we've been doing it for a while now,

- haven't we, Maurice? - Have you? Gosh,
that makes me feel so much better.

You see? I told you it's not
weird... everyone's doing it.

In fact I slept with someone last night

and we haven't even talked
about it yet, have we?

You all right there, Maurice?

Bit spicy for you? The food, I mean?

Who with, then? Go on.

- Barry.
- R-r-really?

Mm. Yes. He was very
sensitive. And very hairy.

What about you, then, Maurice?

I'll give you a clue. Um...

Sushi.

- Have you lost your mind?
- No! The Japanese guy?

Not just an illustrator, is he, Maurice?

I think it's great, Maurice.

Here's to a bit of sideways.

A bit of sideways!

This is insane. Everything
about this is insane.

We're surrounded by naked people

having dinner with complete strangers.

This spoon is the weirdest spoon
I've ever seen in my life,

and this lamb, it's not
even lamb, it's beef.

I think they just got the order wrong.

OK, let's just have a time-out.

Maybe we'll just get a few side
dishes and just chill for a bit.

Yeah, that's a great
idea, isn't it, Steve(?)

- These peas are lovely.
- Mm, great.

Mmm. Nice, innit?

Delicious.

Oh, yeah, delicious, isn't it(?)
More wine, please, waiter.

Don't get too close, though.

I might suddenly fuck
you in front of my wife

because that's our arrangement.

So this is how you treat me now?
After everything I've done for you,

you deliberately try and hurt my feelings?

Well, it's not very hard, is it?

I have a very strong emotional
constitution, thank you very much.

Your eyebrows are stupid.

How dare you?!

I've been swimming in that pool all
day waiting for you to come back.

- Now, pack your bags!
We're leaving town. - Why?

- Because you're out of control.
- I just went for a drink. - No.

I smell sex like a shark smells blood.

And you REEK of it!

It doesn't matter how silly
you think the costumes are...

- That place was ludicrous.
- .. you don't walk out on me...

- It was like a brothel that served food.
- .. in front of our friends.

They're not friends. I won't sit there

- while you randomly accuse me of being gay...
- Are you gay or not?

.. excusing the fact you
committed brazen adultery

right under my nose and you
don't seem to feel any guilt.

What do you mean?! You
haven't even asked me.

- You're a thieving Sapphic demon!
- No, no, no.

- .. all the way back from town!
- No, Donald, no.

Either this succubus is sabotaging
me or she is a Sideways Sally.

- Oh, yeah.
- Donald, be quiet.

And she's blatantly in love with Abigail

because she's trying to steal
her from me and I caught them

canoodling in the forest like
a pair of heartless lesbians.

And here's the proof!

- Donald! - Don't you dare! - The
proof is in the pudding, sister!

- You want a piece? You want
a piece?! - OK! - Get up!

Get off me!

- Stop it! - Aaaargh! - Whoa! Whoa!

Well, guess what, I love her too.

And you can't always get everything
you want just because you're insane!

Look, let's all just calm down here.

Whatever Amy is experiencing,
that's her gift to share with us

- when she's ready.
- Dad, what are you talking about?

- I already told you.
- Yeah.

- But I thought it was a secret.
- Well, it's not now, is it? - No.

So... Well, well done.
Really well done, very brave.

- Don't clap it! Jesus. - Sorry.
- Did everybody know apart from me?

Mum...

Why didn't you tell me?

Because.

- Because what? Why didn't you tell me?
- I don't know.

Why did you tell him before me?

Don't take it personally, Deborah,

these things need to come
out organically sometimes.

Maybe she didn't have an opportunity yet.

Well, thank you for the
insight, Mr Perfect Dad.

Why are you suddenly so knowledgeable?!

- Because I can relate to her.
- And why is that?

Is that because you're gay as well?!

- It's Shun, isn't it? He's
your geisha, isn't he? - Yeah.

Yes, he is, yeah. He's my
concubine, that's right.

- Yeah.
- He's my illustrator!

AKA, he illustrates your
dick. How about that?

- This is getting stupid now.
- What do you mean, you can relate to her?

Because I find you very
difficult to talk to sometimes.

- You just mumble and wander off...
- I find you very difficult to talk to sometimes.

- So, would you fuck me if I
dressed as a samurai? - I'm not gay!

Amy's gay.

I know Amy's gay and I'm very
happy for her for being gay

but I'm not married to Amy, am I?

I don't know what the hell you think
you're doing, but it's not helping.

Could you all just leave me
alone for five minutes, please?

Did something go wrong...?

Oh, fuck off, fucking children!

Fuck off! Fuck's sake!

Whoo! Flower's family very angry with me.

Never mind. Challenge for Grubbs.

We must think idea for new adventure.

Make better for Mr Flowers.

You know English Bible.

If somebody punch you in the face,

turn you other face. Just
punch you face again.

Jesus-san! He is teaching this, very wise.

Yes. You know, Grubbs, you
probably understand how I feeling.

Carol and the Caroll not like you.

Flowers not like me. Doesn't matter.

Challenge! Let's go! Faster!

I'm so happy!

♪ In the shoddiest cove,
I'll envelop the rest

♪ I feel awake enough to tell this

♪ It was a seminal plan

♪ A plan to pull you through... ♪