Flowers (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript

- Are you blaming your mum?
- Yes, yes, I am.

She was increasingly out of sorts.

Ultimately, she...

.. and rather inconveniently,
attempted suicide.

I thought you said it was a light bulb.

Well, that's what we decided to say
to people outside of our family

and close friends.

She did fall but she fell in
the process of attempting to...

But she's dead now and all the...

is definitely out of my mind.

So, bad for her, but good
for us, and good for Grubbs.



And, as soon as I get home, I'm
going to be getting down to it

with renewed vigour, and the
words are just going to be...

flowing, flowing out, like...

- .. something.
- We'll think about it.

OK, thank you, Carol.

And thank you, Carroll.

Yes, she fell over changing
a light bulb, poor thing.

- Just one of the hazards
of old age, I guess. - Yeah.

Are you sure Mrs Beckett's
all right with you being here?

- Did he not tell you?
- Yeah, Barry took a week off

cos of the cheese burns, so
we fell behind with the wall.

She basically fired us.

Well, no wonder he was so keen to help.

- He's always wanted to
work for you. - Has he?



To put it mildly.

Mind out.

Nice!

Take that, you bigoted miserly...

chicken killing hog-mistress!

I am working for an angel now!

- That's it, Tommy, bit of welly.
- Is the angle oblique enough?

I don't know what you're
talking about, mate.

Whoa! There's a fucking
hedge! What are you doing?

Get out of the way, then.

Who taught you to drive? What was that?

- What's going on?
- All right?

I thought we were just doing Mum's room.

I thought we'd have a proper
clear-out, while we're at it.

- Well, what are these guys
doing here? - Surprise!

They work for us now.

Look, I just want to make this a
nice home again, for Nana's sake.

Well... OK. I have to talk
to you about that actually.

- Why, did the meeting go badly?
- Yeah, but that's not...

- Well, it's partly...
- Slow down, Maurice.

Look, I know this is a hard time for you.

It's an awful thing to have happened,

and I feel awful, too, but
at least I'm dealing with it.

Look, come with me, I want to
show you something. Nice smile.

So, Barry and the boys have made
this lovely vegetable sanctuary.

And I've got us some
seeds to sow together,

like a little ceremony for Nana.

And part of the surprise

is I thought why can't Nana
be involved, too? So...

I've divided her into four.

And, that way, she can be
with us together forever.

And after everything she went
through, she can come back

as some nice cauliflowers
and strawberries, and so on.

I'm not sure eating my own mother
is quite my idea of a fond farewell.

Are there green beans?

I'm trying to find a way for us all
to face this tragedy for what it is.

And to turn it into something good.

Why do you keep telling everyone
the story about a light bulb, then?

Because, Amy, the truth is
sometimes like a toothbrush.

And you only share that
with people you really trust.

- I wouldn't share my toothbrush with
any of you. - You would in a war.

- Shall we just get on with this?
- Thank you. So, ready?

Fucking hell, mate.

- Mrs Flowers!
- Can it wait, Shun?

- Telephone call from your sister.
- Thank you.

And what about these? You
don't need five dictionaries.

- Well, they're all
slightly different. - Oh.

Look.

Do you remember?

- So romantic. - Deborah, can I
have a few minutes to explain...

Oh.

Viv. I thought she was coming later.

Did you say she could come, then?

I know it's not the best time,
but... she's just split up with PJ,

I thought she could do with some support.

- I'm free!
- Yay!

- What a relief.
- You must feel a little shaken, at least.

God, no. I feel amazing. The
alarm bells were going berserk.

- No more shackles for me,
thank you, PJ. - Hi, Viv.

Why are you standing over
there holding those books?

Suitcase.

- You look... trimmer every
time I see you, Donald. - Thanks.

- I have been doing 100 bendy-bums
every morning. - Very good.

Viv! >

Viv! >

- Where have you gone? >
- I didn't know you listen to music.

No, that's the sound of
machinery. It helps me sleep.

Maybe we should listen
to it together later.

Viv, leave Donald alone
to clear out his lab.

All right, chill out, Mum!

'So, she's still not moved out, then.'

They have both mentioned that
they might. Just after Nana,

they perhaps need a bit of time
to build themselves up again.

- Not still breast-feeding
them as well, I hope. - No.

- Ah, the niece who shat on my leg.
- Are we still going on about that?

She was only four.

That's a nice pile of soiled
knickers you have there, Amy.

- Yeah, it was from my art coursework
about periods. - So creative.

Perhaps something for the
fire now, though, eh?

I got an A for it, so I thought
I might keep it, actually.

You know what I'm going
to ask you, don't you?

- Do I have a boyfriend yet?
- Do you have a boyfriend yet?

Yeah, you already asked
me that at the funeral.

You'd better get on with it,

you don't want to end
up like Debs, do you?

Well, as long as you're not lonely
and desperate like Viv is now.

Well, you tell me, Amy.

Would you settle for sleeping with
just your father for three decades?

The phrasing makes it quite
hard to answer that question.

- She's just jealous I found myself
such a catch. - Catch-22, more like.

On the one hand, he's boring.

On the other hand, he
smells like an old tramp.

- That's not what a Catch-22 is.
- The clock ticks, Amy.

That's why I had to
relinquish myself so young

to a boy called Jake HARD.

Oh, well, he's in prison now. Not
such a great choice, Auntie Viv.

Nun.

Slut.

No, I think all of this has to go, Shun.

Mrs Flowers, this will all take a
very long time for me. Precious.

Yes, I know, but we're trying to
create a nice, healthy environment,

and a lot of this work
is a little bit poisonous.

- How about if maybe keep just half?
- Which half?

- Can you help me, please, Maurice?
- Or maybe keep this one? - What is it?

- Kancho Pig. - And what does "kancho"
mean? - Kancho is a special move.

- Sticking finger in bottom.
- No, Shun, that's got to go.

You see, I want things
like this on the fire. OK?

OK, Mrs Flowers, no problem.

Are he and "Shaun" still
sharing that... weird cabin?

Well, that's where they work. Why?

Oh, nothing, nothing. It's just that...

He's in there a lot, isn't he?

And Maurice is under quite a
lot of pressure at the moment.

- Maurice, come and have a break!
- Just dealing with Shun.

- Viv has brought some Swiss roll.
You love Swiss roll. - Do I?

God, he's obsessed with him.

- Deborah, I'm afraid you've
got a visitor. - Oh, George.

I can't keep you away.
Look, Maurice, it's George.

What can I say? I am an iron filing

quivering in your powerful magnetic field.

Well, I'm here to offer
myself up for some free mirth

and a cuddle, if you're not too busy.

Barold tells me you're
having a bit of a clear out.

I'm called Barry. Barold's not a name.

And who, may I ask, in the name of
Aphrodite, goddess of sex, is this?

It's my older sister.

This is the problem being a
plastic surgeon in Heathen's Wood.

All the women are stunning already.
I might have to move to Ugly Town.

Not that I couldn't make
you even more pristine.

- I'm like Picasso... - Picasso? - ..
But with a scalpel instead of a brush.

- Vivian, pleasure to meet you.
- Let's hope it will be...

.. a pleasure.

I must say, you look very
beautiful when you're sad, Deborah.

- Always been a little bit
sad, haven't you? - No.

Maybe that's why she
always looks beautiful.

You're a creepy so-and-so, aren't you?

- Hello.
- Abigail.

What are you doing here?
Thought you had some work to do.

I changed my mind. Thought I'd
come and say hello as well.

Is Amy in?

Yeah, she's upstairs.

Kablamo!

Abigail, the stallion won again
and the mares are very impressed.

What happened, Maurice? You're
normally very good at cards.

- You can't actually be good at cards.
- It's all in the mind, of course.

Well, it's all in the cards, actually.

I once saw a man miss 50 grand flush

because he was too busy wallowing
in toxic thoughts about his debts.

If he just flicked that
switch in his head,

he could have turned his
life around. But, instead,

- he left empty-handed, and wanked
himself to death in a basement. - No!

Three months hiding in
shame from his family.

Just withered away in a flood of
his own excrement and discharge.

How did you know this person?

Did you look at his hand
over his shoulder in a casino

and then follow him to a
basement in his own house

where, apparently, his family
didn't even know he was there

for three months, even though
he was masturbating constantly?

This is why it's taking you so
long to finish your book, Maurice.

You get bogged down in the details.

Are the slug people not
treating you very well, Maurice?

They're more like goblins,
actually, aren't they?

The barricade in your head is
an illusion, created by you.

It's a question of
maintenance. You are a car.

- I'm not a car. - You need the
right tyres, the right fuel.

I don't need tyres cos I'm not a car.

What are you eating at the moment?

You want me to list everything I'm eating?

Maurice thinks potatoes are a vegetable.

They are a vegetable.

Hey, Fat Matilda. Thanks for
coming at such short notice.

- Hi, how are you doing?
- I need a wing man.

What? I thought you
just wanted to hang out.

It was just a ruse to
make sure you'd come.

My hot neighbour's here. Quick!

Sorry, this is... just some art.

Penny's Passage.

Yeah, it's not finished.

Are you...

a feminist?

Er...

Maybe. Yeah.

Are you a... feminist?

Maybe.

You look like a feminist.

Do I?

Yeah.

Well, maybe you make me feel...

.. a bit like a feminist.

Do I?

So hard to be a feminist

- when you still live with
your parents, isn't it? - Yeah.

Do you... want to go to a place
together, sometime, like, if we...

- .. arranged it? - Do you mean do
I want to go on a date? Like a...

.. feminist date?

Maybe.

- I think she's coming.
- Quick, put your hand on my chest.

What?

Put your hand on my chest and laugh.

Isn't that going to seem really weird?

Nostrovia.

Oh, I know you still love me,

Matilda, but you're going to have
to find someone in your own league.

- I just made this... - For fuck's sake. - .. jet-powered
skate booter for crying out loud. - Hey, Matilda.

- Hi, how are you?
- I'm good. What are you doing?

- I think he's trying to make you
jealous or something. - What?! No!

She just turned up again
like some kind of stalker!

As if.

- You guys are cute.
- No!

I might go home as well, to be honest.

Well, there's not much point in me

being here if you're just going
to be weird about it, is there?

Mr Grubb... sat in a chair...

.. trying to eat a pear...

.. with a Dung-Dodo.

- Hi, Dad.
- Hi.

- Are you OK? - Yup, fine.
Just trying to do some work.

- Erm, would you mind reading
something for me? - Oh, OK, sure.

Now?

Mm-hm.

Hmm...

So it's a sort of fictionalised
narrative or a sort of...?

No, it's for someone.

Oh, I see. Well, often,
this sort of poetry...

it can be quite heavy-handed.

Lots of overt phallic imagery, you know,

but I like how this is
more abstract and...

It's for a girl.

So... this is, erm...

a...

- .. vagina?
- Yep.

- Hmm.
- I guess. Or a mouth.

Course it is. Yeah, of
course it is. Erm...

Well, that's, er, fantastic.

Congratulations on... Heh-heh.

And well done.

I...

I can really hear your music in it.

- Bold, heroic...
- Thanks, Dad.

And I am your dad so I love... I love...

I love hearing... about your life, erm...

Erm, I thought I might wait before
telling Mum, just because...

Yeah, you trust me more, or...?

Well, no, erm, just because I
don't want it to be a thing.

- Cool.
- Cool.

Actually, Amy...

Erm, I...

Er...

I would say that you should try

and iron out some of those
mixed metaphors, if you can.

- Goodnight, then.
- Goodnight.

I hope they have sturdy springs.

I feel stupid.

I think maybe it's reached a
point now where it's just easier

not to tell any of them.

What should I do, Shun?

Life is like toilet, Mr Flowers.

Sometimes you have so much
rubbish in your stomach,

you have a gigantic poo.

So huge, of course, blocking toilet.

Big panic.

You trying flush. Poking with
coat hanger. Use your finger.

Too embarrassed ask for help.
"My gosh, what shall I do?"

Hmm.

But tell truth, Mr Flowers. No
problem if you ask for help.

"Excuse me, I am have gigantic poo."

"Somebody please help
for unblock my toilet."

"Of course. My gosh, so
smelly, everybody terrified."

Such a gigantic poo. So ashame.

But help for flush is coming.

Very clean for start again.

Thank you, Shun. You're a good friend.

- You can do it, Mr Flowers.
- OK.

Yeah.

- Oh! - Sorry, I didn't know whether
you were awake or... Knock-knock.

- You don't need to knock. It's your room.
- You look nice.

Erm... Are you planning something?

Erm, well, it's for you, actually.

I was going to ask if, perhaps,

you wanted to sleep in
here with me tonight.

Yeah. Maybe.

But first, could I...?

- First you what?
- No, I do want to, I just, erm...

Could I... could I just...

We haven't slept in the
same bed for months.

Yeah, but that's not because I...

Sorry, I'm just having trouble...

It just seems like you don't want to.

Well, maybe that's because, erm...

Look, what I've been trying to...

Ugh, I wish they would
stop fucking so loud!

Shut up.

Erm... Look, I'm...

I was coming to talk to you about...

Erm...

Erm... the milk.

- The milk?
- Yeah.

Erm... I just suddenly
thought, for the morning,

- since we've got guests...
- What do you mean?

Do you think we have enough
milk or should I go and get some?

I think it's the middle of the
night and we should just go to bed.

Yeah, er, I'm actually not sleeping.

I could maybe benefit from a
trip down the road just to...

Does it matter if it's full fat?

Maybe I'll just see what they've got.

- OK, goodnight.
- Night.

- OK. Right. Bye. See
ya. - See ya. - Bye.

Mr Flowers.

Disaster.

I couldn't do it.

- What?
- Sorry.

Could I bum a couple of fags off Maurice?

I'm gasping.

He's gone to get some milk.

Please.

I'll try and catch him.

Super stint for Mr Flowers.

Tell you the truth, this
will be piece of cake.

- Oh. - Big one's coming. - Yeah.

- OK. - OK. - Urgh.

Oh!

- Oh!
- Keep going.

Oh, my God.

- Ready? - Erm, yeah. - OK.

Did you study this in Japan?

- Not really.
- Oh.

Maurice. Viv wants some cigarettes.

- Oh. - Yep. - OK.

That's enough pounding of the buttocks.

Hello, Shun.

What were you doing?

I thought you went out to get some milk.

Erm, I just felt a bit stressed, so...

Bottom massage.

So, cigarettes, Viv. Where are they?

Ah, look, here they are.

Right, enjoy your evening,
everybody. Goodnight.

Well, if you're not
going to say it, I will.

Maurice is definitely
milking the Japanese.

It's nothing to worry
about, it is very common.

You need to remind him that you
are a dangerous, voracious,

sexual being.

Let's face it, he has been
getting sukiyaki hand jobs

while you just sit around being miserable.

You have made your husband gay, Debs.

Now, it's time to get him back.

Take your black, twisted
heart and go back upstairs

before I punch you in
your stupid Botoxed face

and throw you out on the street.

Maurice is a sensitive,
colourful, creative man.

He is not gay.

Everything you just said means gay.

Amy.

Can I talk to you?

I need to tell you something.

About Nana.

When my wife died

My aching heart

It cried and cried

It fell apart

But then it mended

When I...

When I saw you

Don't be offended

But I love you. ♪

Shut up and take your clothes off.