Florida Girls (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Dirty Ass River - full transcript

Maxcool, my ass.

It's so hot!

Dude, we got to get
out of here or we're gonna

die in these chairs.
Let's go to the beach.

Oh, yeah, let's go somewhere
that's more hot.

We could sneak into a movie.

- Movies suck.
- All movies suck?

All movies that aren't
John Wick or John Wick 2.

Well, I'll tell you where
we're not going...

Applebee's.

'Cause screw Harold and his
stupid-ass chain restaurant



with its stupid-ass Quesadilla Burger.

That thing sucks, and so does he,

thinking he can break up with me.

I'll break up with his ass.

Yeah, we're obviously not going

to your 80-year-old
ex-boyfriend's restaurant.

No one was thinking that.

Yo, let's sneak into Surf Lagoon.

We haven't been there in a minute.

Ew! Water parks are white trash toilets.

If I want to drink piss,
I'll do it in my own home.

Last time we went,
I found a scab in my hair.

Well, last time we went, we were sober.

What if I told you guys



- I could get us some acid?
- I'd ask

why you were just bringing
that to our attention now.

- Acid? What are we, 13?
- Josh Travis

told me that he'd hook
me up with free acid

'cause he stole a bunch
from Lonnie and them.

Jay, you can't tell me trippin' balls

while floating down a lazy
river doesn't sound tight.

Besides,

it'll help you keep
your mind off Harold.

I am not thinking about
that conceited-ass chump.

Do you know he was always
acting like I was so lucky

to be with him 'cause I'm so trashy?

If he knew we was going to
that water park, he'd be all,

"Told you. You're trash."

But, guess what,
we not together no more,

so you best believe I'm
getting high and floating down

- that dirty-ass river.
- Yeah!

Shelby, trim your bush!

We're going to the water park!

Wait.

Where's the car?

Where's Shelby?

Was she not with us the whole time?

So, we're stuck in this heat?

With no car?

On acid?

Shelby...!

Wow. Looks like a great crew.

Excited to get to know everyone.

There's Mountain Dew,

Red Bull, Monster Energy,

5-hour Energy.

That's all free?

No.

Oh.

Um, Ken, I just wanted

to thank you so much
for this opportunity.

I read the entire CSS manual,

uh, front and back, and I am ready
to sell deregulated gas.

Oh, you're not doing sales.

Everybody starts out in verification.

Verification. That sounds interesting.

It's not.

Hi. I'm Natalie with the
Verifications Department.

Just so you know,
this call is being recorded.

Wear that headset, listen for the beep,

click that button, read that script,

hang up, listen for the next beep,

and then do it all again
for the next eight hours.

Okay. Um, great.

That's even better than sales,
'cause there's no guesswork.

- No chair. Hmm.
- And the last four digits

of your credit card are 3411?

Is that correct?

Hi.

I'm Shelby.

Hi. I'm Natalie

with the Verifications Department.

Hi. I'm Shelby from the
Verifications Department.

Just so you know,
this call is being recorded.

Who is it?

Uh, Shelby. Open the door.

What are you doing?

♪ That trumpet sound... ♪

Well, well, well,
look who decided to show up.

I can't wait to hear
where you've been all day.

Help, Shelby. I'm trapped.

I know. I'm sorry.

Girl, never mind. I'm good.

So, what happened here?

Uh, what happened here
is that we took acid

because we wanted to have a
fun day at the water park.

But then we didn't have a car.
So we've been trapped

in this sweatbox and
scared out of our minds

because there's bees everywhere.

Meanwhile,

you've been out having the time
of your life without any bees,

doing God knows what.

I was at my new job.

Remember I told you I was
getting a telemarketing job?

To save money for my GED?

No one fucking listens to me.

Well, that definitely
explains why you're dressed

like a child molester.

No offense to your cousin.

Okay.

- Mmm...
- Hi, buddy. Okay.

Am I the only one that had a
positive acid experience today?

You? No? All right.

At one point, the earthly
boundaries of my body dissolved

and I realized that we are all one.

Like, for example, Kaitlin,

I am you and you are me.

You wish you were me.

Oh...

Okay, you guys need to sober up.

Erica, get dressed.

Kaitlin, please put some pants on.

We got to be at work in ten minutes.

I'll put some pants on,

but I'm not sobering up.

All right, dude, get out of the fridge.

I'm sorry!

Girl, you think I don't want to?

This fucking smudge won't let me leave.

You're talking to a smudge?

She my friend.

I've known her for...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, thank you.

Oh. Okay.

You are so selfish.

In what way is me having
a second job selfish?

Because, to get to your job,
you have to take our car.

- "Our" car?
- Yes, our car.

Your name might be on the title,
but I've given you

so much gas money.

And Jayla's ex bought
our new transmission.

Oh, and I sold all our hubcaps.

- What'd you do?
- Uh, the point is,

it's everybody's car.

And we shouldn't have to suffer

just because you got some crappy job.

Hey, excuse me, my job happens
to be super fulfilling, okay?

I-I have this amazing chair...

That's not a bucket...
And no one scares me.

Wow, that sounds like a great job.

Most importantly,
I am $48 closer to having my GED,

minus $40 for the uniform

and $3.50 for a Red Bull I drank.

Okay, Smudge. Damn.

- Is she okay?
- She's fine.

All right, look,
I'm not trying to, like,

take the car away from you guys, okay?

Let's just, like,
wake up early tomorrow,

and I'll drop you off at
the water park before work.

Oh, yeah, that sounds... that sounds...

that sounds really great, Shelby.

Let me just, uh, set
my alarm so I can be on time

for my water park appointment.

That actually sounds pretty sweet.

I bet Josh would give me some more acid.

Yeah, whatever, I'll do it.

Ooh, I would take acid again.

I don't think mine ever kicked in.

Okay, um... good.

Then, great, all we have
to do is wake up at 6:30

so I can be at work at 7:00.

Oh, my God, you took a job
that starts at 7:00?

Oh, my God, you suck.

God, you suck so mu...

You suck so much.

I...

But I'll do that. I will do that.

I'll be ready at 6:30.

Come on, ladies. Let's go. Please.

Has anybody seen my brass bangle?

- The one with the fake ruby on it?
- No. No.

- Get in the car. Come on.
- Hold up. I haven't heard back

from Josh Travis about the acid yet.

No way I'm going to that
redneck bathtub sober.

Oh, my God. Is that Josh?

No. My cousin sent me a thing

of this dog eating a
bunch of cigarettes.

Ooh.

Oh, man.

It's funnier the more you watch it.

Okay, okay. There's a blunt in the car.

If you guys leave right now,
you can have it.

- Come on, come on, come on, come on.
- Shotgun.

Oh, I gotta find my phone
in case Harold calls,

so I can ignore his dumb ass.

You know, for someone
who claims to be over their ex,

you sure talk about him a lot.

What? I am sure you not implying

that I miss that crusty old fool.

Look, I never told y'all this,

but he wasn't just calling me trash.

He was calling y'all trash.

He said he could never take me seriously

as long as I was hanging out with y'all.

Girl, I was shook.

Like I would ever choose him over y'all.

What? You did that all the time.

Yeah, you didn't even try
to hide it. You'd be all...

"Enjoy your birthday party, Kaitlin.

Harold is taking me to Ruth's
Chris steak restaurant."

I'm-a stop you right there.

- That's offensive as hell, Kaitlin.
- Why?

- I told you, you can't do me!
- That's how you sound, Jayla.

- That's exactly how you sound.
- You can do her,

- but you can't do me.
- You're just mad 'cause it's accurate.

- It's not good.
- My impression is...

I got it! Got it. Let's go.

- Oh.
- Shotgun.

Go.

Go, go, go.

- Wait, I forgot my bronzer.
- No!

Yo, I'm getting hungry.

- Can you stop at the ghetto store?
- Good call.

No, not "good call."
We're already running late.

Look, just 'cause you
took some crappy job

that makes you dress like
a female Jared from Subway

doesn't mean we have to pay
water park prices for snacks.

Hey, my job is not crappy. Okay?

I get to do meaningful work
with very friendly people.

And did I mention my chair?

It's just a regular office chair.

It's not a bucket.
So, no, we're not stopping.

Stop sign.

No. No.

Oh, nah. I'm trying to keep it tight

so when Harold sees me,
he'll be like, "Oh, my God."

"Who is that chocolate queen?
Oh, snap, it's Jayla.

I now realize it was an
error to break up with you."

Not that I'd take him back.

Not after he called y'all trash. Mm-mm.

- So you don't want chips?
- No, thank you.

Yo, yo, yo, turn up here.

Josh Travis lives down this street.
Let's see if he's home.

Are you insane? There's
no way in hell we're stopping.

Lady.

No, no!

No, no, no... No.

Okay, so Josh Travis's mom
says he's not home,

but it's cool 'cause
his car's in the garage.

So we just need you to go
distract her so we can, uh,

- go in there and get the acid.
- We'd distract her,

- but I don't think she trusts us.
- Yeah, 'cause Erica asked

if we could take acid out her son's car.

- Wow.
- I know.

Erica screwed up.
So, you ready to hop on this?

No, I'm not ready to "hop on this."

You guys suck. Okay? I'm leaving.

Find your own ride to the water park.

Gator.

Shotgun.

Ooh, live blunt.

Don't worry, our upholstery's fine.

What?

Why don't we just drop you
off at your embarrassing job

and we can drive ourselves
to the water park?

Because I'm driving to my great job,

and you can find your own ride.

I am done putting everyone else first.

Shelby, ain't that your stepdad?

What? No.

- Ugh.
- He looks super hammered.

Get in the car, Chuck.

Hey, Chuck.

You serious right now?
What are you doing?

Thank you for bringing him back.

I was trying to sober him
up for a job interview.

I took his keys, I hid all his shoes

so he wouldn't walk to the liquor store,

but the selfish piece of
crap stole my kitten heels.

Okay, well, good luck with that, Mom.
I gotta go to my new job.

Baby, I didn't know you had a new job.

Oh. My back, it just won't quit today.

You know, I would refill

my morphine patch,
but my worthless husband

drank all my money.

Oh, and you know what? Here's an idea.

How about you loan me some
money from your new job,

and I could refill my patch,

and then your mama can
get some sleep tonight.

Oh. Thanks, baby. I appreciate that.

Okay, well, I just started,
so I haven't been paid yet.

- Sorry about your back.
- W-W-Wait. Wait.

What if we stole a whole sheet
of acid from Josh Travis?

- Then we could sell it and make money.
- Yes. Yes.

And then-then-then Shelby
could quit her lame job,

Randi could get her morphine patch,

but most importantly,
we could all go get high

- at the water park.
- Yes.

Uh...

I'm really not into that
kind of life anymore.

What if I told you that
Josh Travis stole the acid

from Lonnie and them,
so it's not even his acid?

Plus, we're only
talking about one sheet,

- so he won't even notice.
- One sheet.

That's barely a felony. I'm in.

Yes! Let's do this.

No, no! No!

We're not doing this, okay?

I have to go to work. I have to.

Oh, work?

I wish I could work.

But after being pregnant with you,

my back ain't been the same.

Mom, I have apologized so many
times for hurting your back.

Also, you're clearly
dressed for work right now.

Oh, this? This? No, this is, uh,

uh, the new summer
line from Fashion Nova.

Come on, Shelby.
I know you hate that job.

Just admit it,
and if we steal this acid,

you never have to go back there again.

Okay.

I mean, yes, it's not, like,

as awesome as I said it was.

My chair was a bucket.

Screw it. Let's steal some acid.

Wait, what are we doing?

Hey, actually, I do have to go to work.

So, uh, just leave my cut
of the money under the door.

Hi, there.

Can I please have a moment of your time?

Yeah, I know how this works.

You touched some kids,
and now you gotta go door-to-door

introducing yourself
to the neighborhood.

We already got one just
like you next door.

Oh. No, I'm not a ch...
I'm not a child molester.

No, I work for Clearwater
Sales Solutions.

Ma'am, ma'am. Please, ma'am.

I-I can save you over $100 per year

if you'll just take me around back
to your gas meter right now.

All right.

You, stay.

Oh, we got to cut through
these bushes here.

- I'll take the back way.
- Okay, great.

Ooh, this is kind of exciting.

We burglars. Yeah.

Oh, no, not doing that.

That bitch got a Confederate flag.

I ain't breaking into no
racist white lady garage

so I can die. Uh-uh.

I got an idea. Y'all go in.
I'm-a keep watch.

Okay.

Ugh. It's locked.

Dude, there's a baby here.

Interesting. Interesting.

I hope you don't have a heart condition,

'cause I'm about to tell you
some shockingly good news.

I do have a heart condition.

Yeah, it's not that good.

It's just that your
house has high gas usage,

which means you qualify
for more savings.

- All right, sign me up.
- Oh, no.

Ma'am? Um... ma'am,
you can't go back inside.

In order to get the savings,

you have to take a survey.

And question one

of that survey...

What does gas mean to you?

Yes?

Mm-hmm.

Oh! I miss you, too, boo.

Yeah, actually, I was spending
all day talking about you.

Oh, them girls?

I don't hang out with them no more.

Yeah, you was right. They trash.

And then they killed his
puppy right in front of him.

Bang! Bang!

So you know what he did?

He killed 77 people.

It was a goddamn bloodbath.

And that man's name was John Wick.

Got it.

All right. See you later, buddy.

No, no, no, no, no, bud.
You can't come with us.

Jayla, is it safe to come out?

Jayla?!

She's gone? Are you freaking kidding me?

Move.

You see anything out there, buddy?

This baby sucks. Let's just go.

What the heck?

Erica, are you kidding me?! You suck!

Okay, uh, question 22.

What do you like most about gas?

I don't know.

How many more questions are there?

That's actually it.

Y-You're all done, so congratulations!

Wait a minute. What about my savings?!

That's my ride, jackass!

Bad... ass!

Should we call the hospital
to come get him or something?

Man, you really know how to ruin
a super cool moment, don't you?

Eh, he was a child molester anyway.

Oh, hey, Jayla.

Thanks for keeping watch!

- I got the drugs, y'all!
- Hell yeah!

We freaking rule!

Good news!

Me and Harold are getting back together.

You mean Harold, the guy
that thinks we're all trash?

He never said that. Did I say that?

I would never say that.

What are we waiting for?
We got the acid.

- Let's hit up that lazy river!
- Yeah!

All right, all right, all right.
Hold on, hold on.

There's something I got to do first.

- Oh, God.
- Oh, yeah, right.

I got to take off this dumbass uniform!

Yeah!

Sucker!

Wait, wait, wait.

Why are we still sober?

Erica, hand over that acid
before I blow my brains out.

All right, y'all, but remember,

please, one hit a piece.
We got to sell the rest.

- Thanks for the reminder, Mom.
- Oh. What the hell?

It's gone.

What?!

- Oh.
- Did you just absorb

the whole sheet of acid?!

- God!
- Whoa.

That's why I'm feeling Lil
Pump so hard right now.

I-I can hear every lyric so clearly.

There ain't no music playing.

Girl, we in a parking lot.

Whoa. I'm trippin' hard, y'all.

Unreal.

I just ditched my job for no reason.

I can't believe I let you guys
talk me into this dumbass plan.

Wait. "You guys"? We did this for you.

That money was supposed
to go to your stupid GED

and your mom's back meds.

Oh, right, and it had nothing to
do with you getting my car back?

You guys always need something from me.

Everybody does.

My mom never has money

'cause of her drunk husband.

I am so sick of everyone
taking advantage of me.

You know, it's not just the
music that I'm hearing clearly.

Shelby, you're sounding a hell of lot

like your mom right now.

What? Shut up. You're high.

I mean, listen to you.

Blaming everybody else
for your problems?

You had a choice today. You could have

gone to work and told everybody
to screw off, but you didn't.

And you're the victim?

And, Kaitlin, you're so worried

about losing Shelby's car,
but what I'm realizing is

you are actually worried
about losing Shelby.

And, Jay,

you look soft. Really so soft.

That's true.

Wow, you are really high right now,

'cause nothing you're
saying is making any sense.

I mean, maybe that part

about Shelby being exactly like her mom,

but definitely nothing else.

What? No.

I'm... I'm nothing like my mom.

You're probably right. I-I'm...

I'm really messed up. Whoa.

- Whoa. Hold on.
- Girl.

That was a really good fall.

Hey, dude, listen, um,
just 'cause I'm trying

to get my life together does not
mean you're ever gonna lose me.

What? I don't give a shit about that.

It's okay. You don't have
to be so cool all the time.

God, shut up!

Hey! What are y'all doing?!

- Oh, crap. Run!
- Go, run!

- Run!
- Go, go, go, go, go! Come on!