Flight of the Conchords (2007–2009): Season 1, Episode 5 - Sally Returns - full transcript

Tickle tickle tickle!

Hey Bret, how come you
don't tickle me anymore?

- What?
- Huh?

Oh, I'm just joking.

Tickle tickle.

Actually, seriously though,
you guys are just

tickling each other and,

you know, it might be nice to include
someone else as well.

Yeah. What are you
up to today, Jemaine?

Uh, I don't know.
Actually I'm really bored.

Come on, man, you got
to get out of here.



I'm trying to get
onto first base.

- I live here too.
- Yeah, but go into Dave's

and make some
cake or something.

- I don't like doing that.
- But I can't be tickling all night.

- I'm not even ticklish.
- Aren't you?

- No, I'm faking it.
- Really?

Yeah she's faking it
as well, I think.

Oh that's not fair.
I'm really ticklish.

- Jemaine?
- Oh, hi, Sally.

I thought it was you.

- You looking for something?
- Uh, no.

I mean, yes. Yes. Mm.

Uh, oh, there they...

there they go there.



Hey, I, uh, saw your
music video online.

"The year 2000,
the year 2000."

Well, that was you, right?

Affirmative.

- You were robots.
- We were just dressed up as robots.

Yeah, but you were robots.

Yeah, just, you know,
acting as robots...

No, yeah, no, I... I know
you weren't actually robots.

So, you got a boyfriend
at the moment?

Me? No. You?

Me? I don't
have a boyfriend.

Or a girlfriend.

No, not me.
You can't tame the J-Dog.

- The J-Dog's just...
- What's the J-Dog?

Uh, well, that's me,
I'm the J-Dog.

Where is that from?

Well, it's street language.

You know, you just take
the first letter of your name

and you put "Dog"
on the end of it

and all the other dogs
sort of respect you.

Okay.

I thought it was from
a kid's book or something.

No, the thing
about the J-Dog

is you can't put
a leash on the J-Dog.

What? You don't ever
want to settle down?

Me?

No. Uh, do you?

Oh yeah. I do.

I really do.

Oh.

# Ah, yeah #

# Girl, tonight
we're gonna make love #

# You know how I know?
Because it's Wednesday #

# And Wednesday night is the night
that we usually make love #

# Tuesday night is the night that we
usually go to your mother's place #

# And I teach her how to
use the video machine again #

# But Wednesday night #

# Is the night that
we're making love #

# It's when everything
is just right #

# You're not too tired from your
afterwork social netball team practice #

# There's nothing good on TV #

# Mm, conditions
are perfect #

# For making love #

# You turn to me and say
something sexy like #

# "I might go to bed,
I have to work in the morning" #

# I know what you're
trying to say, baby #

# You're trying
to say "Ah, yeah #

# It's business time" #

# It's business #

# It's business time #

# I know what you're
trying to say #

# You're trying to say
it's time for business #

# It's business time, ooh #

# It's business #

# It's business time #

# Oh oh oh, yeah #

# Yeah, ooh #

# The next thing you know we're
in the bathroom brushing our teeth #

# That's all part of it,
that's foreplay #

# Foreplay is very important #

# In lovemaking #

# Then you go
sort out the recycling #

# Which isn't
part of the foreplay #

# But it's still
very important #

# The next thing you know
we're in the bedroom #

# You're wearing that same
old ugly baggy T-shirt #

# With the stain on it
that you got #

# From that
team-building exercise #

# You did for your
old work several years ago #

# Team Building Exercise '99 #

# I take off my clothes,
but I trip over my jeans #

# Because I'm still
wearing my shoes #

# But it's okay because I
turn it all into a sexy dance #

# The next thing you know,
I'm wearing absolutely nothing #

# Except for my socks #

# And you know when
I'm down to just my socks #

# What time it is #

# It's business time #

# It's business #

# It's business time #

# You know when
I'm down to my socks #

# It's time for business #

# That's why they're
called business socks, ooh #

# It's business #

# It's business time #

# Oh oh oh, yeah #

# Yeah, ooh #

# Making love #

# Making love for #

# I'm making love for two #

# I'm making love
for two minutes #

# When it's with me, you only
need two minutes, girl #

# Because I'm so intense #

# Two minutes in heaven is better
than one minute in heaven #

# Mmm #

# You turn to me and say
something sexy like #

# "Is that it?!" #

# I know what you're
trying to say, girl #

# You're trying to say
"Ah, yeah, that's it" #

# Then you tell me
you want some more #

# Well, uh,
I'm not surprised #

# But I am quite sleepy #

# Mmm #

# It's business #

# It's business time #

# Business hours are over #

# Baby #

# It's business #

# It's business time. #

- Jemaine, Jemaine!
- Hmm, what?

- I'm going home.
- Oh I'll walk with you.

Well, here's the doghouse.

Thanks for walking
me home, Sally.

Um, should I come up
for a cup of coffee?

What are you...
are you serious?

Oh, in my... up there?

Yeah.

I mean, obviously
if you're busy...

No, I'm not busy at all, I...

Wait, you're not still
living with Bret, are you?

Maybe. Yes.

Actually, definitely yes.

And if we go up there
he'll be, oh...

I can't believe you're
still living with Bret.

Jemaine, you gotta
get your own place.

You need your own space.

We could go back
to the launderette, maybe?

- Yeah, I don't think so. I gotta go...
- No?

Call me when you get
your own place, Jemaine.

Bret, I'm moving out.

I've decided
I need my own space.

It's time to take life a little
more seriously, you know?

It's time for me to look each
day in the eye and say

"Hey, Jemaine you're...
you're doing this for you."

- What's that, man?
- Oh didn't you hear that?

What did you say?
I wasn't listening.

Oh, I'm moving out.

Why are you moving out?
Is it something I've done?

- No.
- Was it because of the towel?

- What towel?
- Because I used your towel

and I got athlete's foot.

- Do you?
- It's not that?

No. Well... no.

Is it my mold farm?

- No.
- Are you sick of my mold farm?

- No.
- Is it aspergillus fumigatus?

- No.
- You sure?

Yeah it's fine.

Was it something
from a while ago?

- No it's just...
- When we were at school

and you said you got
a hickey from Judy Bailey,

I told everyone it was
the vacuum cleaner.

- No, that's not it...
- Is that it?

- No, it's not that.
- But you did.

- No I didn't.
- Yes you did.

Was a perfectly round hickey.

She had a perfectly
round mouth anyways...

It's not exactly the same size
as a vacuum cleaner tube...

It's not that, it's not that.

Is it because I drank
all the orange juice?

- No.
- Because I drank all the apple juice?

- No.
- Was it something psychological?

Because I put you down
in front of other people?

He wouldn't know,
because he's got no idea.

Why you moving out, Jemaine?

Is it because
I didn't fix that leak?

- No.
- Is it because I left the wires out

- and you shocked yourself?
- No.

Is it because the new
paint job's a little brown,

too nouveau riche?

- A little too recherch??
- No.

Is it because
sometimes I'll sneak in

when you're sleeping and give you
a little kiss on the cheek?

No.

Here we are.

Is it because I ask
too many questions?

No.

- Was it something subtle?
- Yes it's subtle, Bret.

- Is it because I eat too loudly?
- Yes.

- It is?
- Yeah.

- I knew it.
- I didn't wanna say, but there it is.

- You eat too loudly. It's deafening.
- It's not that loud.

- It's so deafening.
- Well, I eat with my mouth shut.

I don't know
how you do it.

Jemaine.

- Present.
- Bret!

- Yeah.
- And Murray.

Yes, present, thank you.

I'm always here anyway.

I don't know why
I bothered with my line.

All right, first
on the agenda:

Band investment portfolio.

- What's that?
- Our retirement fund, Jemaine.

Over the last few months
I've been

creaming a bit off of the top of
the band income and investing it.

- Well, that sounds good.
- Yeah.

Well, it sounds good,
but it is good.

All right, I've
done the research

and everyone thinks
property is the way to go.

So I'm proud to announce
that as of this morning

we're the official owners
of three stars...

intergalactic real estate.

All right,
so there's mine, Murray.

Bret, yours is up here.

And Jemaine, you're on the other
side of the nebula there.

But that's as close as we could get
the three that were available, but...

Who took that photo?

That's the real estate
people take that.

Right. How much
do they cost?

Well, that's
the best part.

Only $50 a star

and that includes
a certificate.

Here we go.
Planet Bret for you.

- I hope that's all right.
- That's good, that's great.

And Jemaine,
Planet Jemaine.

And mine's Murrayland.

I thought that
had a ring to it.

Planet Murray was already taken.
I like it... Murrayland.

- Welcome to Murrayland.
- This is a waste of money.

No it's not, Jemaine.
What are you talking about?

In 10 years' time
we'll be able to move up there.

And besides, I was thinking

two words, guys:
Natural resources.

Like coal, think about it.

Imagine a planet full of coal.

You get up there,
oh my God, it's coal everywhere.

Imagine how much
that would be worth.

I don't know.

It be worth a lot,
wouldn't it?

A real lot.

What about a planet of, um,
diamonds and rubies?

No.

Well, it would be nice.

A lot of things
would be nice, Bret,

particularly
if they were real.

Do we have any gigs, Murray?

Uh, yes, I've got
an answer for that.

No.

I was going to wait until you
move into your new apartment.

- Who told you?
- Why are you moving out?

Is it because I keep coming
around when I'm sad?

- Is it because I always...
- Oh, we've been through this, Murray.

- It's because I eat too loud.
- Really?

You eat too loud, Bret?

Well, I didn't notice.

Here, eat this.

Oh yeah. Whoa.

Who's eating?

Greg, did you hear that?

- Welcome back, Mr. Clemaine.
- Thank you, Sebastian.

John.

So this is my new place.

This is fancy, man.

Ah, yeah, it is quite fancy, but it's
cheaper than the other place actually.

Flippin' hell.

- Oh hey, guys.
- Hey, Mel.

- Hey.
- What are you doing here?

I was walking my dog.

Look, is this your
new place, Jemaine?

It's crazy. I was
just walking past here.

That's so weird. I didn't even
know you'd moved.

- How could I know?
- Yeah, where's your dog?

Wow, this place is classy.

Is that a guard?

He looks like he could
really mess someone up.

Is there always someone
at the door, 24/7?

Why?

Oh, nothing.

Just making conversation.

Oh hi, guys!
Sorry I'm late.

I was up all night looking
at stars trying to find ours.

They all look the same.
Really a waste of time.

Hey, Mel, hey, has
Jemaine told you about

the housewarming party
on Sunday night?

- You should come along.
- Oh, I'd love to come. Thank you.

Hey, Jemaine,
where do I park?

- Can you park around here?
- I don't know, I don't have a car.

I can't get any more tickets,
mate, I'll go to jail.

I don't know.

I'll just leave it here.

You're not taking
any of the weight, Murray.

- Yes, it's all here.
- You are not.

- Is this it?
- Mm-hmm.

- No number on the door.
- Don't need one.

This is it.
What do you think?

It's not a room,
it's a cupboard.

- It's not a cupboard.
- It's a cleaning cupboard.

It's not a cleaning cupboard.

Is it... what's...
is that cleaning products?

Yeah, I don't know
what they're doing here.

Well, it must have at one stage been
a cleaning cupboard.

It's not a cleaning cupboard.
It's an apartment.

It's my studio apartment.

More like a compartment.

- Hmm?
- A compartment. Not an apartment...

- Is that a joke?
- Yeah.

That's pretty good.

- You did get it, eh?
- Yeah that's a good one.

- Because it's small.
- You can't have a party in here, man.

Yeah, I can. I'll just put
some lights up and have some music.

Where's the bathroom?

Listen, guys,
I... I've got to go.

Where?

Out, nowhere.
No, out.

You're going nowhere?

I'm going on a date.

Oh, okay.
Bachelor life now, eh?

Watch out, ladies.

- Who with?
- No one.

No one.
That's not a date.

That's just going out.

I do that all the time.

Do... do you want
to go for a walk?

- It's Sally, isn't it?
- No.

Oh, Jemaine!
No, not her again.

Bret went out with her.
She broke your heart and yours as well.

Anyway, I thought
you said Sally was shallow.

- Oh, she's not shallow.
- She is shallow.

But she's really hot.

She's the hottest girl
I've ever touched.

Ever seen.

Well, she was the hottest girl
I'd ever seen,

but then I
touched her.

She's not shallow
once you get to know her.

- Do you like butter?
- Butter, yes.

- I don't.
- No.

- I don't really like yellow things.
- No, me neither.

Hey, is that Bret?

No, I don't think so.

Well, he's waving at us.

It looks like him,
but I don't think it's him.

Jemaine, Sally!

- No, that's not him.
- It's me, Bret.

- Maybe it is him.
- He's coming over here.

- Is he?
- It's definitely him.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Bret.

Yeah, it is him.
You're right.

- Hey, Bret.
- Fancy seeing you here.

Yeah, what
an amazing coincidence.

- Who are you here with?
- Oh, that's just Coco.

- It's his long-term girlfriend.
- Yeah, just a friend.

Well, why don't
you guys join us?

- There's no room, though.
- Thank you.

Do you want to get Coco?

- Sorry?
- Coco, your girlfriend...

you want to get her?

Oh, yeah yeah yeah.

Hey, Coco, do you
want to sit over here?

Well, this has been
a really great evening,

but I gotta go.
I got yoga in the morning.

Hey, um, Sally, on Saturday

I'm going to have
a great party at my place,

my new, uh, pad
where I live by myself.

It's going to be
a lot of people, a DJ.

- Next Saturday?
- Mm.

Well she can't go.
It's her birthday, the 14th.

- I think, maybe.
- Yeah, no, that's right.

Anyway, I'm having this thing,

- it's a shame you guys can't come.
- Oh, I can come no matter what.

- No, you... you gotta be my DJ.
- Well, yeah...

There's only going to be
five people if you don't come.

Well, it was really nice
meeting you, Coco.

It was really nice to meet you too.
Hopefully see you soon.

- Sally, I'll walk you home.
- Oh, no no.

It's okay, I'm tired. Stay.

You don't want
to see my new place?

I'm really tired.
Maybe some other time.

Sally is nice.

# If it's a Chinese junk
or Roman galley #

# I'll find my way
to you, Sally #

# Happy birthday, Sally. #

- That's beautiful.
- That's a sure thing, bro.

What's a Chinese junk?

Oh, it's a kind of ship.

Oh yeah, sure. Women love that kind of
sensitive nautical shit.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Haven't you ever
seen "Watership Down"?

- No.
- Well, me neither,

but women
love that film.

I was just going to give her
this card that I made.

Whoa.

Holy shit,
did you make that?

- Yeah.
- Well that's beautiful.

- She's going to love that.
- I don't know.

Oh yeah, she is.

It's just a bit of paper
and five hours' work.

No, that is super sensitive.

I mean, that reminds me of
when I saw a puppy being born.

I mean, just to see
its little head

just coming out
of that dog's pussy.

What an incredible
moment, man... beautiful.

Come in.

Hey, man.

Bret, come on, let's go.

Yeah, just a minute.
I'm trying to get the eye color right.

Do you think that
looks like Sally's eyes?

I don't know, Bret. I don't think
about her as much as you do.

Yeah, that's true.
Well, forget I asked.

How did you get all seven verses
on that tiny little pebble?

Well, it took ages.

Oh, it's good.

- That's good. It's exquisite.
- Yeah.

Is that what you're gonna give
to Sally for her birthday?

Yeah. What are you
going to give her?

- That glass butterfly.
- Oh yeah.

That's good.
I think they're about even.

Yeah.

You're coming
to my party, aren't you?

- Yeah yeah.
- How you going to get that to her?

I'm just going
to post her this.

Oh, where's it gone? Oh...

Having a good time, Greg?

Hey, Murray, glad you made it.

Hey, get off my pillow.
You're on my pillow.

Oh, sorry.

There's something I want to talk to you
about, actually, Jemaine.

Um, it's not good news.

Planet Jemaine supernova'd.

Yeah, there's nothing
left of it apparently.

Just a huge
gaseous cloud

and the beginnings
of a black hole.

When did this happen?

Uh, about
four million years ago.

Yeah. Sorry.

Well, that was
a waste of 50 bucks.

Thanks, Murray.

- Hey, Coco.
- Hi.

- Hey, is Bret here?
- No.

No. Well he was
supposed to DJ.

- I only got a cassette.
- L... I don't know.

He... he said...
I saw him this afternoon

on his way
to get his haircut.

He said he would
meet me here.

Cassette...
to get his haircut?

Yeah.

- The party's over.
- What?

- The party's over, everyone.
- What are you doing, Jemaine?

- The party's over.
- Greg's about to do his party trick.

This is the one that got him
in "The East Village News."

No, the party's over.

- Jemaine...
- Jemaine!

I need to talk to you about Bret.
I know where he is.

I know where you're going
and when you see him...

- Hey, Jemaine.
- Hey, Sally.

Hello, Bret.

Sorry your party
was canceled.

Yeah, me too.
Nice haircut, Bret.

I made you this
for your birthday.

Aw.

It's a butterfly.

I sat on it
in the subway.

- Oh, you shouldn't have.
- But I also got you some glue.

- Oh.
- And that's... that's multipurpose.

You can use... use
that around the house.

Well, thanks. That's,
um, really sweet.

Hey, did you see this amazing
painting Bret made me?

Painting?

A painting?

- Oh, yeah yeah.
- See, that's me,

and that's some
really weird kind of wolf.

Well, it's difficult
to draw a wolf,

so I used a picture
of myself and then adjusted it.

It's kind of creepy,
but it's pretty.

Oh, I'm just glad
you like it.

Well, thanks, guys,
for these amazing gifts.

Oh, have you heard my news?

What's happened?

- Is it Mark's birthday as well?
- No!

I got engaged. Mark and I are
getting married.

- Who's Mark?
- Mark, he was my boyfriend

and then we broke up
and now he's my fianc?.

He bought me a BMW.

Mark, come here and meet
these friends of mine.

- This is, uh, Bret and Jemaine.
- Hey, g'day, guys!

He's Australian.

Go on and show
them your abs.

- No...
- No, go show them.

- No, I'm... no.
- Rock hard.

- Hey you guys want to see them?
- Yes.

No, no thank you, Mark.

- No worries.
- He is so strong.

- Pick up Bret.
- No, I can't...

Just lift him up. He's little, he's like
a pixie. Come on.

Brettie, aye, ohh yes!

Isn't he strong?

What's that?

Oh, that's
a broken butterfly.

This is my song!

- Oh, baby.
- Come on, Mark, let's dance.

Let's go.
See you later, guys.

# Sally, I love you #

# Sally, I love you #

# Sally, I need you #

# Sally, I need you too #

# I need to be with you #

# But I don't just
love and need you #

# I love and need
and want you too #

# I don't just
love and need you #

# I love and need
and want you too too #

# Yeah, well, I love, need and want you
too too too #

# There's too many of those #

# It's just ridiculous #

# Oh, you could be with me #

# Oh, you could be with me #

# If you wanted to be #

- # If you wanted to be with me #
- # Or me #

# The only thing stopping you
from being with me #

# Is that you don't
want to be with me #

# It's the same with me,
except with me #

# But if you did
I'd hold you tight #

# Into every single night #

# And we'd fall
asleep together #

# And we'd wake up
in the sunlight #

# Well, maybe I'm a dreamer #

# But maybe one day you'll
see that dreams are... #

- # Yeah yeah, she gets it...
Stop cockblocking me #

- # Who knows what #
- # Who who who #

# Makes love stop or start? #

# I can't help #

# But think that
now you're engaged #

# We're drifting apart #

# And who am I to say #

# That love will last? #

# It won't or it will #

# But maybe Mark
will be involved #

# In an accident
and you'll get #

# A life insurance payment
of half a mil #

# It's not about the money #

# But it could
set us up financially #

# If you came back to me #

# Or me #

# Sally #

# I wrote you this song so I could
tell you how much I love you #

# Quite a lot, actually #

# Um, even sometimes
a little bit more #

# Than my current girlfriend #

# Sally, I co-wrote
this song to tell you #

# How much I love you #

# It's quite a lot, actually #

# Well, he's basically said
just the same thing #

# I think he's been looking over
at my bit of paper #

# Except for
the girlfriend bit #

# Ooh, I love you #

# I love you you you #

# Oh, and I need you #

# I need you you
you you you #

# I need to be with you #

# Ditto that #

# Because you and me
we were meant to be #

# Bret's got a girlfriend #

# Yeah, but Sally and me,
we were meant to be #

# Bret, you got a girlfriend #

# Yeah, well, I'd break it
off with her if I knew #

# Sally wanted to be with me #

# Well just so you know,
Sally, unlike Bret #

# I'm available immediately #

# Sally, I love you. #

Hey, Jemaine, I was wondering
if you'd think about

moving back in together,
because I'm having trouble paying rent.

I spent all my money
on art supplies.

That's a good idea. I haven't really
been sleeping very well lately.

Oh, Coco told me
to tell you you're dumped.

Oh... oh, sorry, man.

What?

I'm sorry, she... she said that
you're emotionally immature.

- What else did she say?
- She said to say

that you've
been ignoring her

and that you're clearly
still in love with Sally,

- which I agree with, actually...
- That's not true.

She said you'd say that
and she said to say

it is true
and you know it.

- Oh, but, I mean...
- No buts, she said to say.

Well, did she say
we could talk about it?

- She said we are talking about it.
- Well, we're not though are we?

Well, no.

I don't know what
she meant by that.

Can we still stay in touch?

She doesn't know.
She needs some time alone.

Well, I mean... I mean,
what else can I do?

I mean, I'm... I'm sorry.

It's too late.
It's over, you bastard.

What, did she
call me a bastard?

Uh, no sorry,
I added that bit.

- Oh, okay.
- I got carried away.

I might just give her a call about it
and see what she says.

- What was that?
- Well she told me to do that.

I was supposed to start
with that actually,

I'm sorry, I forgot.