Flight of the Conchords (2007–2009): Season 1, Episode 3 - Mugged - full transcript

What did Hamish do?

Is he gonna get
a new tractor?

Yeah, well,
he probably shouldn't.

He lives
in the city.

No, it's not
that dangerous here.

- I don't need a gun.
- Tell her it is a bit dangerous.

- Not all Americans have guns.
- Tell her Dave's got a paintball gun.

- Dave has a paintball gun.
- It's not a real gun, though.

- Yeah, it's not real.
- Just shoots paint.

I'm not gonna get a gun, though.
I'm not getting...

I've told you that. No.



Tell her I'm thinking
about getting a gun.

That's Bruce Willis,
though.

Tell her about all
the TV stations here, Bret.

- He's acting. It's not real.
- Bret, the TV stations.

- Tell her about all the TV stations.
- Jemaine wants me to tell you

there's a lot
of TV stations.

What'd she say?

- How many?
- I don't know.

There's a lot. Yeah yeah, no.
More than four.

- Yeah.
- What'd she say?

She says "Wow."
Well, I'll talk to you soon.

- Say bye for...
- Jemaine says "Bye" as well.

She says "Bye."
Do you want to talk to her?

- Nuh-uh.
- No. Okay.



All right, bye. Bye.

- Who was that?
- It's Mom. She's good.

Okay, guys,
band meeting.

- Jemaine?
- Yes.

- Yes?
- Yes.

Bret?

Murray, I was wondering
if you could call me by my rapping name?

- Your rapping name?
- Rhymenoceros.

- Rhinoceros?
- The Rhymenoceros.

Nah, well, that's not
gonna fit in here.

I've got "Bret." Can't you just have
Bret as your rapping name?

No. It's not
a rapping name.

It's a good
rapping name.

"Hello, everybody,
I am Bret."

- No.
- Rhymes with "wet" and...

No, "Rhymenoceros."

Look, if you're gonna have
some sort of rap name,

just be careful you don't
do a drive-by.

- I won't.
- Well, you'd better not.

You know what
I mean by that?

What about you, Jemaine?
Have you got a rapping name?

Yeah,
"Hiphopopotamus,"

but you can just call me
Jemaine if you want.

Okay. Well, let's go again.
Jemaine?

- I just said yes before.
- Yep.

Okay, and what is it?
"Rhymenoceros."

Mm-hmm.

And Murray...
present.

"Band agenda:

Item one, haircut."
Bret.

- No, haven't had it done.
- Well, get it cut.

I mean, you don't hear of professional
musicians with long hair.

- Well, Led Zeppelin?
- I mean a man.

It needs a trim.

Yours is
pretty long, Murray.

"Item 2-A, gig."

Oh, "a gig." I'm gonna get
you guys another gig.

What do you mean,
"another gig"?

- Remember the other one?
- Vaguely.

Well, what about
another one?

Murray, I was thinking
perhaps we could do gigs at night?

- No... no, come on.
- Yes, most bands...

- Most bands play at night.
- Not again.

- We've talked about this.
- Most bands play at night.

It's too dangerous
out there at night.

We go around walking around
at night all the time.

Well, you know, anything could happen.
You could get run over,

pickpocketed,
fall down a manhole,

bump into people,

murdered...
imagine that...

or even
just ridiculed.

- We've never been ridiculed.
- No.

- You haven't?
- No.

Well, that's a surprise.
I get ridiculed all the time.

- Really?
- Yup.

"Oh hey,
ginger-balls."

You know?

That was Bret.

- He called you that.
- The other night.

Well, it's not
just you, Bret,

it's all the time, and it's not just
ginger-balls, you know?

- I thought that was your nickname?
- No.

I get, "Oh, what are
you on your way to...

a dick meeting?"

All right, here you are.

You should wear these T-shirts with
"New York" on them.

All right, just so you fit in.
Here's a hat.

Put this on, all right?
"Hey, I'm walkin' here!"

That's what they say when...
people get in the way,

so there's the hats.

You'll need a map.

All right, take one
of those each.

These are just
maps of New York.

Keep them open. Every time you stop
and get lost,

you know where
you are.

And these are the safety reflective
belts. All right, they light up.

I'm not gonna
wear that.

- Yeah, you should.
- No, I'm not wearing it.

Don't give it to me,
I'm not gonna wear it.

Would you rather
get murdered?

Come on.

...'cause he's down
in the hole doing nothing.

- Whoa.
- All right, go.

Did they
get him out or?

- Yeah, they got him out.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, Justin found him.
- You got a cigarette?

- Sorry, we don't smoke.
- Oh, that's too bad.

Because my man Mickey here
wants a cigarette,

so now you're gonna have
to give him some money.

Oh... we don't
have any money, man.

Listen, you don't want to mess with him,
because he's crazy, man,

all right?
He's a psycho-killer.

Qu'est-ce que c'est?
Give me some money.

- Well, I've got $15.
- Okay, hand it over.

No, but it's in the bank. We'd have
to go to the bank to get it out.

No, we don't have time
to go to the bank, dipshit.

We might just
have time.

Empty your pockets,
let's go.

Give me what
you got.

"Go to a bank."
Give me this.

No... no keys.
What is this?

What the hell?

Why... why does the phone
have a camera glued to it?

It's a camera phone.
Jemaine wanted one for his birthday.

Look at this.

- Oh yeah? Where'd you get it?
- I made it. It's homemade.

Yeah, it's a piece
of shit.

Well, how come Jemaine
likes it so much?

- You can have it.
- No no, he doesn't want it.

Yeah yeah, I'll keep it.
It's kind of interesting.

- You like it?
- Yeah.

- Give us the bike.
- Oh you don't need the bike, man.

- You got the camera phone.
- You'd better be careful,

- because Bret knows karate.
- Yeah, I got a book on karate.

I haven't actually read
it yet, but I've got...

Shut up, you English faggots,
and give me the bike!

You'd better watch out. You don't really
know who you're dealing with.

Oh really? And who exactly
are we dealing with?

# I'm the mother-flippin'
Rhymenoceros #

# My beats are phat and the birds are
on my back and I'm horny #

# I'm horny, if you choose to proceed,
you will indeed concede #

# 'Cause I hit you with my flow,
the wild rhyme stampede #

# I'm not just wild,
I'm trained, domesticated #

# I was raised by a rapper
and writer... they dated #

# And subsequently
procreated #

# That's how it goes,
here's the Hiphopopotamus #

- # The hip-hop hippo #
- # They call me the Hiphopopotamus #

# My lyrics
are bottomless... #

Uh.

# They call me
the Hiphopopotamus #

# Flows, they glow
like phosphorus #

# Poppin' off the top
of the esophagus #

# Rockin' this metropolis,
I'm not a large water-dwelling mammal #

# Where did you get that
preposterous hypothesis? #

# Did Steve tell you that,
perchance? #

# Mmm, Steve #

# My rhymes and records,
they don't get played #

# Because my records and
rhymes, they don't get made #

# And if you rap like me,
you don't get paid #

# And if you roll like me,
you don't get laid #

# My rhymes are so potent
that in this small segment #

# I made all of the ladies
in the area pregnant #

# Yes, sometimes
my lyrics are sexist #

# But you lovely bitches now should know
I'm trying to correct this #

# Other rappers
diss me #

# They say my rhymes
are sissy #

- # Why? #
- # Why? #

- # Why? #
- # Why exactly? #

# What... why? #

# Be more constructive
with your feedback #

- # Please, why? #
- # Why? #

# Why? 'Cause I rap
about reality #

# Like me and my grandma
drinking a cup of tea #

# There ain't no party
like my nana's tea party #

# Hi-ho #

# I'm the mother-flippin' #

# I'm the mother-flippin' #

# I'm the
mother-flippin' #

# Who's the
mother-flippin'? #

# I'm the
mother-flippin' #

# I'm the
mother-flippin' #

# I'm the
mother-flippin' #

# Mother-flippin'. #

You guys dancing
a little bit?

- No.
- I told you to give us the bikes,

you didn't listen,
so now this is happening.

Mickey, show them
the knife.

- That's not a knife.
- Yeah, that's a knife.

Oh, it is a knife.

Get 'em, get 'em.

Get 'em!

Uh, Bret, my sleeve just...
help me,

my sleeve's just caught
on the fence.

I'm too scared, man.

Bret, the corduroy's caught
on the fence, Bret.

Oh, flip.

We'd locked our bikes up,
and then the...

the gang just
surrounded us.

And suddenly, yeah,
they everywhere...

- We were around here somewhere.
- Well, how many were there?

- There was two of them.
- Two? That's not a gang.

- It was a two-man gang.
- Two-man gang.

- Can you have that, David?
- Well that's a pretty small gang.

I mean, technically,
the smallest gang possible.

- Can you put that gun down?
- Murray,

it's a paint-pellet gun.

- Well, what happened after that?
- Well, then we ran down here,

they chased us and Jemaine got...
got caught on the fence.

- What did Jemaine do then?
- Well, he was stuck on a...

And then just going, "Bret, help me,
help me. I'm stuck on the fence."

- What happened after that?
- Um...

- I ran away.
- You just left him there

to fight them himself?

Well, I left him on the...
he was on the fence.

- Bret!
- Well, I was... I was very scared.

- We were being mugged.
- Well, for a start,

you could have told me this two days ago
when it happened.

Well, I just thought he would have
come home by now.

Who knows what could have happened
to him? He could be in hospital.

A lot of New Zealanders
come over here

and they come
into my office,

and I give them the vest,
a map, and I tell them

to stay clear of crowds by going
through back alleys.

Yet almost every day
a New Zealander is mugged.

You just don't know. You hear
a lot of terrible things happening.

- He may be dead.
- He maybe did what?

- He may be dead.
- I know, but what did he maybe do?

He may be dead.

Yeah, maybe he did,
maybe he didn't.

- What did he maybe do?
- No, he may be dead.

Are you guys
fucking with me?

- What?
- Not alive.

You know... dead.

Oh. Oh.

I can't believe that
he just ran off like that

when the cops came
and left me there.

Can you... can you believe that he would
just abandon me like that?

That kind of thing,
it defines character.

- Yeah.
- Son of a bitch.

Yeah, you know, 'cause
you were deserted too.

Huh? Anything could
have happened to you.

I know.
You could have killed me.

Could have
totally killed you.

Is that what you...

is that the kind
of thing you do?

You... kill people?

Maybe.

Why, you ever
kill somebody?

- Not really.
- No?

Yeah, me neither.

Killed a monkey once.

Mmm. Uh-huh.

Don't tell anybody
about that, okay?

'Cause I'm not
proud of it.

- Oh, I won't tell anyone.
- You'd better not.

I won't.

Definitely not.

Hey guys, remember that time he got his
hand caught in that jar?

What a dick.

I mean, who gets
their hand caught in a jar?

What a big
fucking asshole he was.

- That was... that was actually me.
- That was Bret.

- Are you sure? 'Cause I thought...
- It was Bret, David.

Jemaine was the one
who helped you out.

And he helped you when you got your
head stuck in the chair.

- Remember?
- Yeah.

You were there
for hours.

He was just a helpful guy,
you know?

- Loyal.
- Yeah.

Just hope
he's not dead.

There's still a chance
he's not dead.

Hey, what was that
one thing he used to say?

I mean, that always cracked me up.
He'd be like...

- he'd be like...
- What?

Yeah, that's it.
He'd be like, "What?

What? What?"

You know, I never understood
a fucking word that guy said.

- He did say "what" a lot.
- He did, he did, yeah.

- "What? What?"
- "What's going on?"

- Yeah.
- "What."

He listened, he was just
always questioning.

- "When? When?"
- "When, when?"

"When are we
getting a gig?"

I mean, so you can picture
the situation, right?

I got Mickey's cousin
tied up in a chair,

supposed to shoot him
in the kneecap,

teach him some lesson,
you know?

- About something.
- What... what sort of thing?

I don't know,
some family shit, you know?

- Yeah.
- It's between them. I don't ask.

So anyway...
I shoot him.

Then I get a text...
this is 45 minutes later.

Yeah, a text, mind you,
all right?

Not a phone call...
"Oh, hey,

by the way, John,
call it off."

- That's terrible.
- Call the thing off.

- After I... after I did it.
- A text.

Worst part, he had known for two days
before he texted me.

- Really?
- Yeah.

So I got to untie
the guy, right?

I got to apologize.
He's bleeding all over the place,

I got to help him. It was very awkward
shit. I was very upset about it.

I can imagine, John.
That sounds so...

- that sounds terrible.
- It was horrible.

- Bret did exactly that same thing.
- Really?

Yeah, one time we were
supposed to go to the movies,

- and... uh, "March of the Penguins."
- Oh, I love that movie.

And, he... I had
bought the tickets,

and he didn't turn up.
He texted me,

said, "I'm not coming."

Well, that's... that's not really
the same thing,

is it?
I mean...

I... I shot a guy,

you know?

Yours is worse.

Excuse me, gentlemen?

Your friend you reported dead, we think
we might have found him.

Now is he a guy
who wears glasses?

- No.
- Yeah.

- Yes.
- About 6'1, 6'2, Caucasian?

He's from
New Zealand.

Yeah, kind of talks in a monotone,
sounds like a robot?

Well, that's
the New Zealand accent.

Right. Kind of sounds like,
"What? What, what?

Don't poot me
in there weeth him.

I'm innocent.
I'm innocent"?

- Yes, that's definitely him.
- That's him.

It's a little bit more
sort of South African.

Think we might need
to see him visually.

Sure.

Is she gonna
bring the body out here?

- You okay?
- Yes.

- You're acting a little bit weird.
- No, I'm not.

- You are.
- No, I'm not. This is what I'm like.

You're annoyed.

No.

Is it 'cause I ate
the last of your muesli?

No.

Because they took
your camera phone?

No, it's not 'cause
they took the camera phone.

'Cause I rented your half
of the apartment out to Rueben?

Does he have to
stay here still?

Well, he's paid
two weeks' rent,

'cause I didn't think
you were coming back.

No, he's okay.

Is it because I ran away
when we were being mugged

and left you with
guys with a knife?

- Yes, actually. Yes.
- Oh, okay.

I knew it, yeah.

Well, it was a high-
pressure situation, man.

I had to... you know,
I had to make a decision.

You would have
done the same thing.

I wouldn't have. You abandoned me.
You left me to die.

I wouldn't have done it if I'd known you
were gonna hassle me about it.

You shouldn't have
done it anyway.

- Hassling me.
- I'm not hassling you.

- You are hassling me.
- I'm just pointing out

that when you're in a situation where
you're being mugged, you shouldn't

- leave your friend to die.
- Hassling me.

- Height of rudeness.
- Okay, David Hassle-hoff.

Oh my God.
Jemaine, are you okay?

- Yeah.
- You're out?

- Mm-hmm.
- Did the cops try to strip search you?

- No.
- Did they find anything?

No, they didn't
strip search me.

Oh, I... I thought
you said they did.

- No.
- Oh.

Well, did any
of your cellmates, you know,

- rape you in the a...
- No. No no no.

Oh good, good. 'Cause if...
if I was a convict,

you know, and I was in a cell
with a pretty boy like you,

I would definitely wait till lights out,
put my hand over your mouth...

I've gotta...
I've gotta go.

Oh, you're kind of
like a convict now.

Makes you seem
so dangerous,

like you could
just do anything.

He was only in there
for two days.

Bret, I know
what you did. Mmm?

Being in jail just
makes you seem so sexy.

I guess it's
the danger aspect.

What are you
gonna do to me?

Do it!
No, don't, don't.

- See you guys later.
- See ya.

Oh, yeah, just run, Bret.
Just run.

It's like Bonnie and Clyde, you know.
They would rob banks,

and then they
would do each other.

Actually, I've...
I've got to go too.

I've got to go to
the same meeting as Bret.

Oh, okay.
They'd get off on it.

- Jemaine?
- Yes.

- Bret?
- Um, Rhymenoceros.

- Rhymenoceros, yep.
- Yep, present.

- That's not a real gangster name.
- What?

- And Murray.
- Well, I've been on the inside,

I know what sort
of names gangsters have.

Like John.

There was another guy
there... Ralph.

Well, you were only
in there for two days, man.

Hey, guys,
what's going on here?

Well, Jemaine just
keeps on hassling me

about how I abandoned him
when we got mugged.

And why are you
angry with him?

Well, he left me
to die.

Yeah well, we all know that.
Old news.

No one likes
a moaner.

Yeah well, he just keeps on
going on about it.

And having said that, no one likes
an abandoner either, Bret.

Now you don't abandon each other
in life-threatening situations.

Okay.

What happens is the guy
who's left behind...

Jemaine... may feel
left behind.

Yeah?
Abandonment issues.

Not only that, but he could
be seriously injured.

- You were just lucky.
- Well, I wasn't that lucky.

Well, they said
you didn't need that.

I don't... I don't
trust him anymore.

- Oh, you don't mean that.
- Yeah? What do I mean?

Calm down, Jemaine!

Sorry, if I can't trust him
on the streets,

I can't trust him
on the stage.

I can't do
another gig with him

without going against
everything I stand for.

Well, what if you
actually had another gig?

- Well, then I would.
- Yeah?

- Mmm.
- I haven't actually got you one,

but that's good to know.

You know, I'm always
trying to get you gigs.

All right?

What's this meeting
about?

Well, one of
my CDs is missing.

So your friend... your best friend
in the whole world

just left you there with a bunch
of crazy-ass muggers?

- Hey. Oh.
- Shh.

Were you scared?

Uh, yeah... yeah, I guess I was
kind of scared, right?

- Sort of.
- Yeah.

But, then again,

- I wasn't scared.
- Oh wow.

I just can't believe a friend would
do that. What a douche bag.

I know.
What a douche bag.

Can't believe what
you did, man.

You leave
your best friend

with a couple of hoodlums who are
about to mug him? That's cold.

But to be fair to Bret, John, you were
one of those hoodlums

- mugging us, you know?
- Yeah.

Yeah, that's true.

I guess I am somewhat
to blame as well, huh?

- But it's still shitty, what he did.
- Yes, I agree with that.

It's still very much
shitty, what you did, Bret.

Okay, because to abandon
someone like that

really sucks, man.
It hurts.

At least I didn't
kill a monkey.

Dawg.

- Okay, this is gonna work.
- Hey.

He's really sorry.

Brought you
a cup of tea, man.

- No, thank you, Bret.
- Please grab it, it's hot.

- It's hot.
- Deal with it yourself.

That's what I've learned
to do the hard way.

Oh, ow ow ow...
oh, fuck! Ow.

Ow ow! Ah ah!

I guess
we're even then.

Jemaine, I made you
some pizza.

I'm not hungry!

Hey, man, I met you the other day when
you mugged me.

Umm, the bike and the camera phone that
you're talking to me...

Yeah yeah.
The one that ran away.

Yeah. Look, I'm wondering if
there's a chance

I could get
the phone back.

Hey, Jemaine,
I'll see you later, maybe.

Bye, Bret.

If I live, that is,
'cause I might get killed.

Okay, let me know
how that goes. C-10.

Hit.

Yes.
What, sorry?

I'm going to get
your camera phone back.

If I die, I want you
to tell my mom.

Okay. Well, write...
write down her address.

Write it down
on that piece of paper.

B-10.

Well, just phone... you can just
phone her and tell her.

Oh, okay,
I'll just phone her.

- It's easier.
- 'Cause I might not come back.

Okay.

So this is it, man. I'm going to get
your camera phone now.

- You don't need to go and do that.
- Yes, I do.

- No, you don't.
- Well, you loved that thing.

Yeah, I didn't really
love that camera phone

as much as you
thought I loved it.

In fact, I kind of think
you ruined my phone

when you made me that camera phone.
And my camera.

I see what you're doing.
No way, man.

I'll get it for you.
I'll get it for you.

# There's children on the street
using guns and knives #

# Taking drugs
and each other's lives #

# Killing each other
with knives and forks #

# Calling each other
names like dork #

# There's people
on the street #

# Getting diseases
from monkeys #

# Yeah, that's what I said, they're
getting diseases from monkeys #

# Now there's junkies
with monkey disease #

# Who's touching
these monkeys? #

# P-lease leave these
poor sick monkeys alone #

# They've got problems
enough as it is #

# Man is lying on the street,
some punk's chopped off his head #

# I'm the only one who stops
to see if he's dead #

# Mmm, turns out
he's dead #

# And that's why
I'm singing #

# What... what is wrong
with the world today? #

# What's wrong
with the world today? #

# What... what is wrong
with the world today? #

- # Hey hey #
- # You've got to think about it #

# I said think about it #

# Good cops
being framed #

# And put
into a can #

# All the money
that we're making #

# It's going
to the Man #

# What man? Which man?
Who's the man? #

# When's a man a man?
What makes a man a man? #

# Am I a man? Yes #

# Technically, I am #

# They're turning kids
into slaves #

# Just to make
cheaper sneakers #

# But what's
the real cost? #

# 'Cause the sneakers don't
seem that much cheaper #

# Why are we still paying
so much for sneakers #

# When they're made
by little slave kids? #

# What are
your overheads? #

# At the end
of your life #

# You're lucky
if you die #

# Sometimes I wonder
why we even try #

# Saw a man lying on
the street half-dead #

# With knives and forks
sticking out of his leg #

# He said, "Ah ah ah,
ow ow ow ow ow ow #

# Can somebody get the knife and fork
out of my leg please?" #

# "Can somebody please remove these
cutleries from my knees?" #

# And then
we break it down #

# This is where
we break it down... ooh #

# This is where we
break it down... ahh #

# This is where we do the... whoa whoa,
break it down #

# This is where
we build it up now #

- # We build it up now #
- # We're building it up now #

- # We build it up now #
- # We build it up #

- # Build it up! #
- # And then we stop. #

Hey, you guys.

It's me, one of the guys
who mugged you last week?

The camera phone?
We talked on the phone?

Oh yeah yeah yeah.
Yeah hey, how's it going?

You know, not good.

Um, do you have
the camera phone?

Yeah.
Here it is.

Here are the photos...
I got 'em developed.

From the camera phone.

You guys had
some really good times, huh?

Ah.

I hope you don't mind,
there's some of me in there.

I had to
finish out the roll.

That's me
on a roller coaster.

What's that one?
It's me with a shopkeeper,

pointing... - pointing a gun.
Actually, I should take that.

- Well, thanks.
- Yeah, thanks, man.

Hey, how's John?

We don't really
talk much anymore.

Oh, yeah.
You don't see him?

Yeah, I've seen him...
he's over there.

We're not really
friends though, anymore.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Yeah, he...

he couldn't really forgive me
for running out on him like that.

You know?

I should have stuck
with him and saw it through.

Yeah.

We had these really
big plans, you know?

We were
gonna go uptown,

kidnap a rich kid,

and ransom him
and... yeah.

None of that's
really gonna happen now.

- That's a real shame.
- Yeah, it is.

- We'll probably see you around, so...
- Yeah.

- Is this where you usually mug?
- Usually, um...

I've been too depressed
to work recently.

I just wish John was big enough
to accept my apology, you know?

Well man, we're gonna
get some pizza.

Do you want to come and get a slice
of pizza or something?

- Yeah? Really? Oh, I'd love to, man.
- Yeah, okay.

Um, I'm going to
a White Supremacist gig.

- It's gonna be awesome.
- Oh yeah?

Well, we'll probably just
get the pizza.

- Mickey?
- Hey, man.

Bret.

Hey, John.

- Jemaine.
- John.

Mickey, uh...

you wanna hang out?

Sure, man.

Man, this whole week's
been terrible.

I haven't felt this bad
since Cheeky died.

Man, I miss that monkey.