Five Bedrooms (2019–…): Season 3, Episode 8 - Two Words - full transcript
It's Ainsley and Simmo's wedding day, Ben is determined to be there for his best mate Simmo and the love of his life, Heather. Over the course of the day, truth bombs will detonate.
Previously on 5 Bedrooms.
I'm Ed, I'm Heather's lecturer.
Hey.
How's dating someone?
More than dating someone, she's in love.
Luckily you've moved on too.
No way, I just want to go to her and tell her how much I want you and no one else.
I think you might be onto something with that Simo strategy.
What's in a strategy?
You bringing him to the wedding?
You should.
I'd like to get to know him.
I'm starting to think I don't know where you are.
There is a conversation that you and I need to have.
I spoke to Stuart, he knows there's someone else.
I think I'd let you believe that I would be in a position to pursue something with you
and I don't think that that's the case.
How many kids does Simo want?
It's five.
He's always wanted five kids because he's got five cousins and he always wanted him.
How many more questions are there?
It's a shame we never cranked out a little Sammy Elling before you fell in love.
Oh why didn't we think of it?
I did think of it.
I wish you'd said something.
Every single milestone in my life there's been one constant.
He was always right beside me, more than beside me, he was behind me.
Even when his own love life was flatlining, he never let me down.
Not once.
Do we need any more?
Not necessarily.
I'd quite like one of these searching for a mother's day gift for mum.
I don't know your mum.
All his life he'd been the perfect son, the perfect mate and now he was counting on me.
They don't need to be put out this early.
We're not leaving them out, we're just testing the layout.
Well I'm not turning you in tomorrow.
Yes you are mate.
Oh you brace yourself, he's still in a dry rut.
Come on.
That is a solid girl.
Sorry, I don't know why I'm laughing.
Is it a bit much?
I mean I think mum was more into the kilt than I was.
I ain't saying she's going to fall harder in love with you than she already is, if that's
even possible.
Yeah?
I'm coming.
Looks good mate.
Mum's parked down the side.
I'll tell her I'll see her tomorrow.
No no mate, it'll just be Mia.
What?
Yeah we're just not quite there yet.
Go on mate.
Who's not there?
Heather?
Yeah and me and Mia even.
Oh okay.
Mum's waiting for you.
See you Mini.
Bye.
Mate maybe it'd be good for Bec to come because you know Heather's bringing Ed.
You told her to didn't you?
Yeah I know.
Right see he's coming.
Yeah.
Great.
Yeah so he's coming you know.
I mean we've got to get the band back together at some point and we're not going to find
a better excuse than my wedding hey?
Lots of booze, lots of love in the air.
I'm with you, it was up to me but Bec don't want to be there.
Really?
Don't feel good about it, no.
You alright?
Yeah.
Yeah?
It's okay to not be okay though.
I know that.
Yeah.
See if you want to release anything, get anything off your chest.
Nothing to release mate, I'm just pumped up for an awesome day.
Okay then I'm going to tell the story about Ains' surprise cocktail Fridays.
Then you throw it to me and I'll bring it home with Simo accidentally landscaping the
wrong yard.
Yeah.
So Ains, how far can we take it do you reckon in terms of rudeness?
What's the story?
That's a full skin story.
Yeah too far.
No no no, let me pitch you the turning points because it pays off.
So school camp, 14 years old, middle of the night, Simo's having a moment.
See I'm already out.
No no no, not that kind of moment.
He's an inquisitive lad, he's freezing cold, half asleep, so he's pulled it back too far
and it's got stuck.
Of course it did.
So he's woken me up, woken up to Mr Stephanopoulos, he's got on the blower to Pammy and she's
demanded that no one touch it.
Then you can't.
So Simo and me, Mr Stephanopoulos have to trek all the way to Horsham Hospital.
Poor old Simo can't handle any like fabric touching it, so we have to build this little
tent around it.
It's a four hour hike.
That's the payoff.
But then I'll land it with something like, happy to have played my part in delivering
Ains the fertile man he is today.
Do not tell that story.
Trust me, I know this crowd, the four skins are one.
See you bringing that tomorrow?
Yeah.
Great, what is he, a red man?
Or a white man?
Or a beer man?
What are you going to do, an express order?
Nah, just want to make sure he feels welcome.
He'll be fine with whatever.
I'm looking forward to chatting to him, because he charmed the pants off Cole.
He's never met Cole.
Well he did something to impress him.
Ben, you don't have to make any kind of special effort.
Let's just get through the day.
Of course.
See you tomorrow.
Yeah, I'll be here.
Yeah…
You alright?
Yeah.
Can we come in?
Yeah.
Oh my god.
You still not up?
Do you sleep okay?
Yeah, good, good.
You sure?
Thanks for letting me stay in my old room.
What?
No, I just, I had a bit of trouble falling asleep and then I woke up pretty early.
Should we set up in here or would you like to get a little bit of breakfast or maybe a quick hit hour?
I didn't sleep at all.
At all.
Well, that's pretty much par for the course.
The idea that this will be the best day of your life, that's bullshit.
It is.
It's true and you know it.
I mean sleep would have been a bonus but today's got nothing to do with you.
It's about everyone else.
It's about Pammy and the photos and...
Okay, we've got two options.
We can dose you up with caffeine and shampers and you can push your way through or don't have a second option.
Is Harry downstairs?
Yeah.
Why?
I might just, can I just speak to him?
What about?
Um, well, maybe could we start your hair and makeup while you're talking to Harry?
We'll get him, we'll get him.
Harry, Ains wants you.
Is she all right?
I don't think so.
It seems there's something she needs to discuss with you, specifically you and not with us.
Okay.
Also, I'm not a professional hair and makeup artist.
I need a solid two hours so if you could keep the private portion of the conversation brief.
Ains can be ready in five minutes.
Just go.
Ains?
You're okay?
Harry, that conversation we had.
Which one?
About the little Sethie Elling.
Is that, is that idea?
I haven't been able to think about anything else for days now.
Ains, you are about to marry Simo.
Just putting that aside for a second.
I don't think we should.
The idea of you and me living here and having a baby.
It's not gonna happen.
I know.
It's ridiculous, I know.
But I was awake at 3am imagining a toddler's Diwali outfit.
What?
I couldn't stop thinking about it.
I was googling the nearest school for Indian classical dance to see if they did kids classes and they do.
I was imagining Manju babysitting.
Okay, okay.
This is just a version of cold feet.
It happens to everyone.
At every wedding and with any big decision.
Remember just before we bought the house?
Didn't you feel like you were gonna vomit?
Didn't you think you were making the worst decision of your life?
No, I was just excited.
Hey Ains, you ready to roll this foot business?
What's this?
It's Simo and I washing each other's feet.
Some family tradition thing, Pam wants it.
Ben, we'll be down in a sec.
Please just go downstairs.
Okay, I'm gonna go and can the foot thing.
And when I get back we are going to drink some champagne and breathe and just re-centre.
What's going on?
Is she alright?
Okay, we do have a situation.
I think it'll be okay but we need to can the foot washing.
What's the situation?
Why, she's just having a moment.
What sort of moment?
It's weird and specific.
You seriously think you're walking away without telling me?
Yeah, I don't think she wants me.
Mate, what am I gonna tell Simo and Pam?
Just anything, I don't know, make up an excuse.
Drama with the dress or just anything.
You should set up down here and adjust to the fact that you've got half an hour on the face, Max.
You told me I had an hour minimum.
That's all you could hear at the time.
You're gonna tell me the real time?
Not yet.
Cousin Therese was married or meant to...
What's up, Mark?
Oh.
Jeez, mate, you taking that kid off since last time I saw you?
I did, very funny.
Doesn't he look handsome?
Now, look, are we in here for this or out in the garden?
I don't mind being outside but I just do need some warm water.
So, a laundry tub or bathtub?
Just on the foot washing, might have to give her the swerve.
Sorry.
What?
Sorry.
This has been a feature of every fit Simon's wedding since the 1600s.
I know, it's just a couple of issues with the old dress there, but it's another major.
It was fitting perfectly.
Oh, yeah, no, it's not the fit, it's...
Oh, look, if she's had a spill, I've got every conceivable fabric treatment and I've got nothing to line it too.
It's actually not the dress, it's just having a bit of tummy trouble.
What sort of tummy trouble?
It's just, it's on the toilet a lot.
Oh, so, diarrhoea?
Not exactly.
So, constipation?
But, look, we've got to get this right because they are two completely separate conversations.
Like, if she's got the runs and we give her a laxative, nobody's getting married today.
I just think it's more in that general IBS family.
Oh, so blood in the stool and is there rectal pain?
Right, OK, so what we need is hot and cold compresses, we need pressure and we need fluids.
We are going to war with two separate enemies here, that's what we're doing.
Yeah.
Mate, is it just the tummy trouble?
What? Yeah.
Because if that's not the full story...
It is, mate.
Has she pooed in her sleep?
You know what, Panny, here's on this and she's a fair dinkum nurse, so...
OK, I'm standing by.
All right, all right.
Let's put aside the time pressure for just a minute and, um...
I don't want to have a baby.
Yes, you do.
No.
I thought I did.
You said two nights ago that you wanted...
And I always believed that.
That's why when Gerry came along, I...I...I jumped at the chance.
But I think...
I thought having a baby would...
fill some of the emptiness I've been feeling.
And that's not a good enough reason.
I...
I appreciate what you're trying to do.
Even if your uterus was 100% available, I would be saying the same thing.
Look, it's...it's not surprising that you're feeling a bit wobbly.
You've had so much uncertainty about so many things.
But Simo is the one thing you are sure about.
Also, the guests are arriving in just under an hour.
I know.
I know.
I'm sorry.
Louie.
Timmy.
How are ya?
Good, you, bud?
You're early.
Yeah, Mum told us to come.
She mentioned that you were trying to take on a leadership role today.
Thought you might need an extra pair of hands.
Oh, okay.
Well, I appreciate the concern, fellas, but we are a well-oiled machine here right now, so...
Awesome.
Yeah, I don't know what I can get you to do.
So, you want a drink?
Yeah, sure.
All right, there you go.
Saddle up.
Cheers.
Wouldn't have thought you had the confidence to pull that off.
Oh, cheers, mate.
Thanks.
Not sure that you have.
Oh, well, look, am I gonna break into a sprint at any point today?
Probably not, but it's a family tradition, so I'm going with it.
Alive, alive, oh.
Oh, I knew the Irish national would suit you.
I know.
How's this?
Now, Pammy, this is...
Oh, yes, it's Timmy, isn't it?
Timmy.
Heather's Timmy.
Yes, it is.
And I'm Kevin's mum.
Oh, well, congratulations.
He's a lovely man.
I have been waiting such a long time to meet you.
Look, I know your story, and, look, I don't want to sound conceited,
but there's only a few people that I want to learn things from,
and you are one of them.
I just met him, Pammy.
Oh, what's happening here, then?
Eh?
Am I sensing a bit of residual business between you two?
No, no.
No, we're all good.
Really?
Yep.
We are now.
It's a special day.
Do you know what I'm getting from you?
I'm getting this wonderful, beautiful, empathetic energy.
Look, obviously I'll take as little or as much as you want to give me,
but I want to know who you are, and I want to know who you are.
Hi.
I'm Celia.
Celia.
Is it Ben?
I'm the best man.
Are you with the bride or groom?
No, I'm the wedding photographer.
The wedding photographer.
Um...
I didn't know that we booked one.
Oh, a gift from a Stuart Wendell.
Oh, I'll have a look at that next, Pammy.
Oh, from Stuart.
You all right?
Yeah.
All right.
I'll bring you through.
Oh.
Oh.
Yeah, they should be out back here.
Hmm?
I don't know.
Yep.
See, the way we're gonna get this done is if I do it, they'll see it in the air.
You don't want me on here.
No, it was either you or Ben.
Oh, jeez.
What's that?
Sorry, who are you?
Oh, hey, this is Celia, our photographer.
Oh.
We didn't get one.
It's a gift from Stuart.
Oh.
He's written a card here.
Ah, Ains and Sim, my heart is with you today.
This is obviously a gift of Deluxe Photos, but it's also a gift of time, because on the
day Liz and I got married, the moments we stole taking photos, just the two of us when
the noise dropped away, were the best part of the day.
That rhymes, too.
I still treasure it, and I wish nothing less for you.
Stuart, oh, that was a lovely gesture.
Yes, please.
There you are.
Thank you.
Ah, here she is.
You all right?
Sit down, my princess.
We are all right.
We are moving.
Yes, we are.
And we are engaging espresso martinis immediately.
Sorry, who are you?
Oh, hi, I'm Celia.
Yeah, photographer is a gift from Stuart.
Oh.
And he's written a nice card here, Ains.
Ains and Sim, I'll use red.
Oh, sweet, actually.
A couple of pictures, I'm sorry.
Sorry, I'm just kidding.
Hey, what's wrong?
Would you mind maybe starting in the groom's area?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
There can only be one section break down today, and Ains has to be the first one.
He's clearly sending me a message, though.
You don't know that.
He probably booked her ages ago.
Should I call him?
Hard no.
You just need to park it until you get on that plane.
And then what?
You'll have a 23-hour flight to figure it out.
For Christ's sake, this is getting insulting now.
What's going on?
I'm gonna start on the face.
Are you sure you're okay?
Why don't we pop some music on?
Yeah.
I'll have you set up the speakers out the front, mate.
You know, I can do my own hair.
Just someone get her a seat.
No, come on.
What the hell's wrong?
It's a chat for another time.
Okay, well, we'll chat about it another time.
I'm hair.
I chatted on Stuart.
What?
When?
With who?
Sometimes it doesn't matter who.
Shut up, Ben.
It's Gerry.
Gerry as in Lady Gerry?
I was just as surprised as you are.
I didn't know that you were...
She's not.
Well, the jury's still out.
I was grappling with larger emotional questions
than even I understood at the time.
Is it ongoing?
It appears that I've taken myself on a kamikaze mission
to blow up my life.
It's when I was on the brink of my every dream officially coming true.
Hey.
What?
You should say.
Say what?
Yeah, say what?
You had your little tiptoe through the tulips in 2017?
What's this?
If you're referring to what I think you're referring to,
that is an appalling turn of phrase.
Never say that again.
Hang on.
What are you talking about?
Nothing.
It's not nothing,
and I think Liz would benefit from hearing it.
Years ago, when Colin and I had a break,
I gave it a red-hot go with Pat.
With Pat?
Who's Pat?
Hang on.
Patricia, your boss at the nursing home.
Oh, the one that fired you?
I quit.
I just...
Pat!
Actually, that makes a lot of sense.
When?
Years before I knew you.
I wanted to kill Colin at that point,
and Pat was my lifeline.
How did it go?
Not well.
Well, I enjoyed the upstairs more than the downstairs.
Pat's a hard worker.
She landed a few terrific shots,
but, yeah, it just wasn't for me.
Still glad I did it.
No regrets.
Hoo-hoo, everyone!
There's floods of people arriving out here!
I'll make five.
Oh.
Oh, are you all right?
Straight down leg side for four.
There's one.
Oh!
Oh, wow!
How is the commitment?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Aw, man.
That's all right, man.
Yeah, you're so lucky.
You're so lucky.
Yeah, that's really cool.
We're all gonna love that.
Give us a look.
Yeah, give us a look.
All right.
Ben.
Ben.
Yes, that's an incredible kilt.
Oh, yeah.
It is.
I wish I could take credit for it.
It's the Fitzsimmons family tartan.
And that's Pammy, the mother of the groom.
Oh, big day for her.
Yeah, yeah.
She's not married.
Oh, OK.
Get a photo of me.
Get a photo of you.
Come here.
Close with your family.
Close with your family?
I am, yeah.
Big clan is it?
Not really.
How about yourself?
Pretty big.
Yeah, the old girl wanted her own footy team.
Do you want to just make this clear?
The other day,
up the front, I didn't know that
you and Heather were...
There's no need to explain at all.
Just in case I was a bit off or something.
I just wanted to reassure you I'm 100% on board with
what you and Heather are doing.
I know what you're doing and I'm into it.
Okay.
I mean, not in a weird way. I mean, I approve.
Not that you need my bloody approval.
I appreciate it, Ben.
Timothy!
Looking sharp.
You too.
Oh yeah, because you two know each other from school.
From uni.
And outside of uni.
Yeah, I really respect Ed as a person.
Honour. Honesty.
I don't know if I'm that good.
Yeah.
Doesn't everyone sit somewhere between gay and straight?
You don't.
Excuse me, I actually did once have a sex dream about a woman.
Which woman?
Baby Spice.
Emma Bunton.
When I was 14.
And it is possible I was just lusting after her platform sneakers.
But my feelings were complex.
There's only one person straighter than you in this house.
Ben.
You couldn't even approach a man.
You'd need a general anaesthetic.
Where am I?
I think with you it's not about sexuality.
It isn't?
You needed to derail your life.
Mate, you came back for two weeks.
You've been here for months.
How many job offers have you knocked back?
Seven.
You never wanted any of them.
You wanted a victory lap.
And fair enough.
But that upper crust lawyer life, that's not you.
Not anymore.
What is me?
You want to live here.
With these dickheads.
Working with the oldies at the nursing home.
And you know what's kind of tragic?
Because you could have made some real coin in your life.
But it would never be enough.
Could I just point out we've got T-minus 15 minutes.
Shit. Okay. Yep. I'm getting changed.
I'm off.
Here we go.
Shit. Oh. Me too.
Um. I'll be back.
Do you need me to... Yep. Definitely.
Okay.
So...
What are you reading at the moment?
Um.
I've got a couple of things on the go.
See, I go all in.
One book at a time. Right.
Been sitting on the old war and peace for about two years now.
Wow. That's big.
Here we go.
This will be interesting.
Oh my God.
Oh. Hey, come on. You love Simo, don't you?
No, I didn't.
Well, it's his day. He's cool.
You can't say no to things.
Can he, though?
Hi.
Hi. I'm Ed.
Oh, yeah. Sorry. This is Mia, my daughter.
And Bec, my daughter's mother.
Hello.
Hey. Are you with the bride or the groom?
Ed's with Heather.
Ed's dating Heather.
Have you met Simo?
Uh.
Only briefly.
Yeah. Come on.
Excuse us.
You all right?
How you going, mate?
Um, did I miss the memo?
Oh, Simo rang me.
He thought that I didn't want to come.
Yeah, that's true, is it?
No.
But we decided it'd be easier.
Yeah, easier for us. But if he wants me here, it's his day.
Oh, yeah. Of course.
I'm glad everyone's fine with it anyway.
What?
Oh.
You look incredible.
Oh, my God. Look at you.
Ah.
Here we all are, eh?
It's a long time since the three of us
were this kid up at the same time.
I might just stay for the ceremony.
And then...
What's this?
Yeah, no, fair enough. I'll text you when Mia's done.
I'll just go and get the doors or anything like that.
Or you could just stick around.
Here we go. Look at this.
Come on, bunch up.
Yeah.
All right.
Oh, gorgeous. Big smiles.
Beautiful.
What's going on, mate?
Oh, mate, I told you it's not a good look for Bec to be here.
And you went and bloody rang her.
Oh, come on, mate.
Because she's my mate too,
and I want her here, OK?
So can we just get on with the day?
Well, it's weird for her.
It's not. She's fine with it.
Right, cos you'd know, wouldn't you?
Oi, she's happy.
OK? So am I.
We'll get married.
I know you are.
I can't believe you're carrying on like this.
Hey, like what?
You're trying to turn my big day into the fucking Benny show.
All right.
Why, you want me to leave or something, do you?
Cos I'll leave.
You're acting like a toddler throwing your toys.
Sounds like you want to have a go.
It sounds like you want to have a go. Come on.
Look at you, mate. Mate, I would never...
I'm out there trying to be your best man in your...
Oh, you all right?
Ah!
Ah, yeah.
Oh, shit.
Oh.
Oh, you got...
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh.
Is it all right?
Yeah.
Oh.
Oh, where are the shoes?
Yep.
What are you doing?
Oh, just topping up the ice buckets.
Oh, I topped them up half an hour ago.
Are we out of ice already?
No, we are not.
Sugar's got 14S. He's full of ice.
Aha.
You got some?
Yeah, here we go.
Sorry.
You are fucking kidding me.
I just want to be super clear.
This is on me.
It's on both of us.
Harry! No, don't go.
What do you want me to do? Well, it's fine.
It's fine. You're fine. Seriously?
Jesus Christ.
Is it broken?
It's fine.
That's good.
No, I don't think so.
Look, ideally we would get you both to a hospital.
No, no, no, no way.
But if we ice you up, I'm sure we'll get through to the end of the ceremony.
Oh, please.
You are exquisite.
You're bleeding.
Can't feel any pain.
Okay, so just keep the ice on.
Oh, Jesus.
What's happened?
They just want to feel pretty, mate.
Everyone's sitting down and the celebrant wants to know
when you're going to tell them to stop.
How much longer, Derek?
Well, another 10 minutes on the ice.
On 10 minutes for makeup to cover it up. So 20 minutes.
Okay, well, that's too long. They'll self-combust.
Um, okay.
Liz, Harry,
get out there and stall.
With what? Speeches.
Is that my speech?
I don't think it's going to work for us to deliver your speeches.
You got a better idea?
Go, go, go, go.
That's going to cover the red.
Would you just leave it alone?
You okay?
What do you reckon, mate? Look at your face.
Can we have a sec?
Just you and me upstairs?
Oh, no.
We can't do this.
No, we might have to.
Oh, oh, Amy's coming.
Okay.
Oh. Hi.
Is everything all right? Yes, yes.
Is it the back door problem?
No, it's more about her shoes.
It might happen.
What?
It's a smear of makeup on the shoes.
No, no, no.
Heather has the situation very much in hand.
So just take a seat.
Yeah, it's all good.
Okay, right behind you.
Hi. So, would you mind if... Oh.
Thank you.
Mm-hm.
Ladies and gentlemen,
um, for those of you who don't know us,
I'm Harry.
This is Liz.
And, um, Ainsley and Simo
will be with us momentarily.
But for now,
would anyone like to share any stories
about the, uh, the bride and or groom?
Oh, that's sweet.
Or anything else.
Come on.
Okay.
Um...
HE COUGHS
Oh, uh, Liz actually, I think,
has some lovely words
from the best man himself.
Uh, so, uh, hover up there, Liz.
Ha-ha.
And, um, thank you.
Thank you, Harry.
Yes, um...
Yes...
Ben...
Ben has kindly, um,
offered to share
some heartfelt words
while we wait.
Simo.
Sim.
Sim-meister-jim-o.
Sim-meister-general.
HE CHUCKLES
What do you call him, Matt?
My brother, my best mate.
We've shared so many
magic moments.
But my fondest
was when we were 14
at school camp
in the dead of winter.
It was bloody freezing.
Sim's always been a curious fella,
and it struck him one night
that he didn't know
how far back his...
Say it.
Say it.
His foreskin would go.
Oh, Mami.
Yes.
Just read it.
HE CHUCKLES
I never knew a foreskin
could get stuck all the way back.
Turns out
it can.
More common than you'd think, actually.
It wasn't just a time of your trouble,
was it?
You can say it.
You've given me everything
I thought I wanted.
And this is a conversation we should have had
weeks ago.
OK. It's... It's OK.
It's just...
Since I lost Evie,
all of this...
It was the stupidest little thing.
The other night, Harry and I joked
about how we should have had a baby together.
And it got stuck in my head
and it went a bit crazy
and I didn't know why.
But I think I know now
that being a wife
with five kids out in the bush...
So you wanna break it off?
I love you.
And I hate that I'm hurting you like this.
So, is it more the...
the getting hitched
or moving to Diamo or the five kids
that's freaking you out?
I don't know.
Five kids that's freaking you out.
Could be all three.
Right.
But you still love me.
I adore you.
I ain't...
All of this is...
It's just me trying to make you happy.
And if it doesn't, then fucking forget about it, mate.
I don't care that you don't want kids
or if you want one kid
or if you want Harry's kid, okay?
Okay, the only thing I want in the whole world
is to be with you.
And everything else is... that's just noise.
The doc did his best to retract it manually.
But the thread of circumcision hung over him
like the sword of Damocles.
Maybe we should get out there.
Hey, how's this look?
Not good.
You know Bec's out there?
Yeah.
I didn't invite her.
It was Simo's idea.
I know.
I think he reckons...
having her around will help me to move on or something.
But that's...
Maybe he's right.
Maybe this is your chance to be the family
you were always meant to be.
Hev, I can't.
Because I still love you.
And I... I don't know.
I always will.
I know I can't undo what I did,
but I will work as hard as I can
for as long as it takes to convince you
to give me another shot.
And just before they wheeled him into surgery...
Before they wheeled him into surgery,
he turned to me and...
And with his manhood on the table, he said,
look after mum.
And that, ladies and gentlemen,
it tells you everything there is to know
about the character of Kevin Daniel Richard Fitzsimmons.
That's such a great story.
You can hear it a hundred times
and it just gets better every time you hear it.
Yes, thank you, the fridge.
I'm sure we won't be far off now,
so please, if you're not going to be there,
far off now, so the bar is open, so grab a drink.
And we'll see you soon.
Hey.
Hey, did you come up all right?
Yeah, mate, you actually look better
than you did before the hit.
True, how do you call that contouring?
Checking that contour, this?
Nah, you don't need it. It's not even...
You can't even see it.
Everything just looks like a cold sore.
Yeah, any day of the week, that's a cold sore.
Is that better?
No one's gonna give you a shit about a cold sore
when you're out there getting married.
Oh, yeah. We're not getting married.
What?
You better go get the others.
Here we go.
Yeah!
Thank you.
Welcome, everyone, to the wedding of Aimsley and Kevin.
Uh, if you don't mind,
I might just pinch up for a second.
Sorry, Jay. Thanks.
Uh, apologies, everyone, for the delay.
Oh, it's my fault.
No, no, it's not mine.
Yeah, it is. Honestly, Benny...
What? Mate, it's...
Um, and...
I've got a bit of late-breaking news here,
and, um, we're... we're not gonna get married today.
What?
Yeah, it's all right, Pammy. No, no, no, look,
we're still gonna do the party and the photos, and, um...
Yeah, right now, I just wanna say something real quick, if I can.
Um...
A few years back, Benny told me he was buying into a house
with a group of people he met at a wedding.
And I thought to myself,
oh, shit, mate, you haven't thought this through.
You're an idiot. And to be fair, you hadn't.
But, um, I converted pretty quick-spot
when, a couple of months later,
this whole weird setup brought this...
kind, resilient, beautiful woman into my life.
And, uh, I fell absolutely head over heels in love with her.
And, um...
And unbelievably, she, um...
she loved me back.
I do. I do. I...
I do, too. I do.
I do. Yeah, yeah. No, no, I'm joking, June. I'm joking.
And so here we are in fancy duds on a cake.
And, um, I'm just gonna say,
your girl's gonna be so hot that you can just sit there
and think, she's gonna be on the cake,
and she's gonna be on the cake all night long.
And so here we are in fancy duds on a cake somewhere
with... with everyone we love in the same spot at the same time.
And, um, I've gotta tell you, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.
On you, mate. No, that's...
It's frigid.
So, as we always say at B&S Construction,
bugger the paperwork, let's crack on with the party.
I
I
We
We're trying
Oh
I'm not a drink. Yeah
Hey, hey, just gonna grab some more stuff. Oh, yeah. I'll see you in a bit
Hey
I
Everyone else is dancing you're not it's a little bit weird
Yeah, I will dance with you
I have one song. Just not with your arms arms or nothing
It's not what we expected but I look happy
I'll be coding up. Yeah, not good. You're gonna need more ice Ben
What you said before yeah, I'm sorry Heather I shouldn't have
Right now I'm gonna get on that dance floor and dance with it
The first time in my life, I don't know anything to any man I'm having fun I
Just want to keep it that way
You deserve it
If you ever change your mind
I'm Ed, I'm Heather's lecturer.
Hey.
How's dating someone?
More than dating someone, she's in love.
Luckily you've moved on too.
No way, I just want to go to her and tell her how much I want you and no one else.
I think you might be onto something with that Simo strategy.
What's in a strategy?
You bringing him to the wedding?
You should.
I'd like to get to know him.
I'm starting to think I don't know where you are.
There is a conversation that you and I need to have.
I spoke to Stuart, he knows there's someone else.
I think I'd let you believe that I would be in a position to pursue something with you
and I don't think that that's the case.
How many kids does Simo want?
It's five.
He's always wanted five kids because he's got five cousins and he always wanted him.
How many more questions are there?
It's a shame we never cranked out a little Sammy Elling before you fell in love.
Oh why didn't we think of it?
I did think of it.
I wish you'd said something.
Every single milestone in my life there's been one constant.
He was always right beside me, more than beside me, he was behind me.
Even when his own love life was flatlining, he never let me down.
Not once.
Do we need any more?
Not necessarily.
I'd quite like one of these searching for a mother's day gift for mum.
I don't know your mum.
All his life he'd been the perfect son, the perfect mate and now he was counting on me.
They don't need to be put out this early.
We're not leaving them out, we're just testing the layout.
Well I'm not turning you in tomorrow.
Yes you are mate.
Oh you brace yourself, he's still in a dry rut.
Come on.
That is a solid girl.
Sorry, I don't know why I'm laughing.
Is it a bit much?
I mean I think mum was more into the kilt than I was.
I ain't saying she's going to fall harder in love with you than she already is, if that's
even possible.
Yeah?
I'm coming.
Looks good mate.
Mum's parked down the side.
I'll tell her I'll see her tomorrow.
No no mate, it'll just be Mia.
What?
Yeah we're just not quite there yet.
Go on mate.
Who's not there?
Heather?
Yeah and me and Mia even.
Oh okay.
Mum's waiting for you.
See you Mini.
Bye.
Mate maybe it'd be good for Bec to come because you know Heather's bringing Ed.
You told her to didn't you?
Yeah I know.
Right see he's coming.
Yeah.
Great.
Yeah so he's coming you know.
I mean we've got to get the band back together at some point and we're not going to find
a better excuse than my wedding hey?
Lots of booze, lots of love in the air.
I'm with you, it was up to me but Bec don't want to be there.
Really?
Don't feel good about it, no.
You alright?
Yeah.
Yeah?
It's okay to not be okay though.
I know that.
Yeah.
See if you want to release anything, get anything off your chest.
Nothing to release mate, I'm just pumped up for an awesome day.
Okay then I'm going to tell the story about Ains' surprise cocktail Fridays.
Then you throw it to me and I'll bring it home with Simo accidentally landscaping the
wrong yard.
Yeah.
So Ains, how far can we take it do you reckon in terms of rudeness?
What's the story?
That's a full skin story.
Yeah too far.
No no no, let me pitch you the turning points because it pays off.
So school camp, 14 years old, middle of the night, Simo's having a moment.
See I'm already out.
No no no, not that kind of moment.
He's an inquisitive lad, he's freezing cold, half asleep, so he's pulled it back too far
and it's got stuck.
Of course it did.
So he's woken me up, woken up to Mr Stephanopoulos, he's got on the blower to Pammy and she's
demanded that no one touch it.
Then you can't.
So Simo and me, Mr Stephanopoulos have to trek all the way to Horsham Hospital.
Poor old Simo can't handle any like fabric touching it, so we have to build this little
tent around it.
It's a four hour hike.
That's the payoff.
But then I'll land it with something like, happy to have played my part in delivering
Ains the fertile man he is today.
Do not tell that story.
Trust me, I know this crowd, the four skins are one.
See you bringing that tomorrow?
Yeah.
Great, what is he, a red man?
Or a white man?
Or a beer man?
What are you going to do, an express order?
Nah, just want to make sure he feels welcome.
He'll be fine with whatever.
I'm looking forward to chatting to him, because he charmed the pants off Cole.
He's never met Cole.
Well he did something to impress him.
Ben, you don't have to make any kind of special effort.
Let's just get through the day.
Of course.
See you tomorrow.
Yeah, I'll be here.
Yeah…
You alright?
Yeah.
Can we come in?
Yeah.
Oh my god.
You still not up?
Do you sleep okay?
Yeah, good, good.
You sure?
Thanks for letting me stay in my old room.
What?
No, I just, I had a bit of trouble falling asleep and then I woke up pretty early.
Should we set up in here or would you like to get a little bit of breakfast or maybe a quick hit hour?
I didn't sleep at all.
At all.
Well, that's pretty much par for the course.
The idea that this will be the best day of your life, that's bullshit.
It is.
It's true and you know it.
I mean sleep would have been a bonus but today's got nothing to do with you.
It's about everyone else.
It's about Pammy and the photos and...
Okay, we've got two options.
We can dose you up with caffeine and shampers and you can push your way through or don't have a second option.
Is Harry downstairs?
Yeah.
Why?
I might just, can I just speak to him?
What about?
Um, well, maybe could we start your hair and makeup while you're talking to Harry?
We'll get him, we'll get him.
Harry, Ains wants you.
Is she all right?
I don't think so.
It seems there's something she needs to discuss with you, specifically you and not with us.
Okay.
Also, I'm not a professional hair and makeup artist.
I need a solid two hours so if you could keep the private portion of the conversation brief.
Ains can be ready in five minutes.
Just go.
Ains?
You're okay?
Harry, that conversation we had.
Which one?
About the little Sethie Elling.
Is that, is that idea?
I haven't been able to think about anything else for days now.
Ains, you are about to marry Simo.
Just putting that aside for a second.
I don't think we should.
The idea of you and me living here and having a baby.
It's not gonna happen.
I know.
It's ridiculous, I know.
But I was awake at 3am imagining a toddler's Diwali outfit.
What?
I couldn't stop thinking about it.
I was googling the nearest school for Indian classical dance to see if they did kids classes and they do.
I was imagining Manju babysitting.
Okay, okay.
This is just a version of cold feet.
It happens to everyone.
At every wedding and with any big decision.
Remember just before we bought the house?
Didn't you feel like you were gonna vomit?
Didn't you think you were making the worst decision of your life?
No, I was just excited.
Hey Ains, you ready to roll this foot business?
What's this?
It's Simo and I washing each other's feet.
Some family tradition thing, Pam wants it.
Ben, we'll be down in a sec.
Please just go downstairs.
Okay, I'm gonna go and can the foot thing.
And when I get back we are going to drink some champagne and breathe and just re-centre.
What's going on?
Is she alright?
Okay, we do have a situation.
I think it'll be okay but we need to can the foot washing.
What's the situation?
Why, she's just having a moment.
What sort of moment?
It's weird and specific.
You seriously think you're walking away without telling me?
Yeah, I don't think she wants me.
Mate, what am I gonna tell Simo and Pam?
Just anything, I don't know, make up an excuse.
Drama with the dress or just anything.
You should set up down here and adjust to the fact that you've got half an hour on the face, Max.
You told me I had an hour minimum.
That's all you could hear at the time.
You're gonna tell me the real time?
Not yet.
Cousin Therese was married or meant to...
What's up, Mark?
Oh.
Jeez, mate, you taking that kid off since last time I saw you?
I did, very funny.
Doesn't he look handsome?
Now, look, are we in here for this or out in the garden?
I don't mind being outside but I just do need some warm water.
So, a laundry tub or bathtub?
Just on the foot washing, might have to give her the swerve.
Sorry.
What?
Sorry.
This has been a feature of every fit Simon's wedding since the 1600s.
I know, it's just a couple of issues with the old dress there, but it's another major.
It was fitting perfectly.
Oh, yeah, no, it's not the fit, it's...
Oh, look, if she's had a spill, I've got every conceivable fabric treatment and I've got nothing to line it too.
It's actually not the dress, it's just having a bit of tummy trouble.
What sort of tummy trouble?
It's just, it's on the toilet a lot.
Oh, so, diarrhoea?
Not exactly.
So, constipation?
But, look, we've got to get this right because they are two completely separate conversations.
Like, if she's got the runs and we give her a laxative, nobody's getting married today.
I just think it's more in that general IBS family.
Oh, so blood in the stool and is there rectal pain?
Right, OK, so what we need is hot and cold compresses, we need pressure and we need fluids.
We are going to war with two separate enemies here, that's what we're doing.
Yeah.
Mate, is it just the tummy trouble?
What? Yeah.
Because if that's not the full story...
It is, mate.
Has she pooed in her sleep?
You know what, Panny, here's on this and she's a fair dinkum nurse, so...
OK, I'm standing by.
All right, all right.
Let's put aside the time pressure for just a minute and, um...
I don't want to have a baby.
Yes, you do.
No.
I thought I did.
You said two nights ago that you wanted...
And I always believed that.
That's why when Gerry came along, I...I...I jumped at the chance.
But I think...
I thought having a baby would...
fill some of the emptiness I've been feeling.
And that's not a good enough reason.
I...
I appreciate what you're trying to do.
Even if your uterus was 100% available, I would be saying the same thing.
Look, it's...it's not surprising that you're feeling a bit wobbly.
You've had so much uncertainty about so many things.
But Simo is the one thing you are sure about.
Also, the guests are arriving in just under an hour.
I know.
I know.
I'm sorry.
Louie.
Timmy.
How are ya?
Good, you, bud?
You're early.
Yeah, Mum told us to come.
She mentioned that you were trying to take on a leadership role today.
Thought you might need an extra pair of hands.
Oh, okay.
Well, I appreciate the concern, fellas, but we are a well-oiled machine here right now, so...
Awesome.
Yeah, I don't know what I can get you to do.
So, you want a drink?
Yeah, sure.
All right, there you go.
Saddle up.
Cheers.
Wouldn't have thought you had the confidence to pull that off.
Oh, cheers, mate.
Thanks.
Not sure that you have.
Oh, well, look, am I gonna break into a sprint at any point today?
Probably not, but it's a family tradition, so I'm going with it.
Alive, alive, oh.
Oh, I knew the Irish national would suit you.
I know.
How's this?
Now, Pammy, this is...
Oh, yes, it's Timmy, isn't it?
Timmy.
Heather's Timmy.
Yes, it is.
And I'm Kevin's mum.
Oh, well, congratulations.
He's a lovely man.
I have been waiting such a long time to meet you.
Look, I know your story, and, look, I don't want to sound conceited,
but there's only a few people that I want to learn things from,
and you are one of them.
I just met him, Pammy.
Oh, what's happening here, then?
Eh?
Am I sensing a bit of residual business between you two?
No, no.
No, we're all good.
Really?
Yep.
We are now.
It's a special day.
Do you know what I'm getting from you?
I'm getting this wonderful, beautiful, empathetic energy.
Look, obviously I'll take as little or as much as you want to give me,
but I want to know who you are, and I want to know who you are.
Hi.
I'm Celia.
Celia.
Is it Ben?
I'm the best man.
Are you with the bride or groom?
No, I'm the wedding photographer.
The wedding photographer.
Um...
I didn't know that we booked one.
Oh, a gift from a Stuart Wendell.
Oh, I'll have a look at that next, Pammy.
Oh, from Stuart.
You all right?
Yeah.
All right.
I'll bring you through.
Oh.
Oh.
Yeah, they should be out back here.
Hmm?
I don't know.
Yep.
See, the way we're gonna get this done is if I do it, they'll see it in the air.
You don't want me on here.
No, it was either you or Ben.
Oh, jeez.
What's that?
Sorry, who are you?
Oh, hey, this is Celia, our photographer.
Oh.
We didn't get one.
It's a gift from Stuart.
Oh.
He's written a card here.
Ah, Ains and Sim, my heart is with you today.
This is obviously a gift of Deluxe Photos, but it's also a gift of time, because on the
day Liz and I got married, the moments we stole taking photos, just the two of us when
the noise dropped away, were the best part of the day.
That rhymes, too.
I still treasure it, and I wish nothing less for you.
Stuart, oh, that was a lovely gesture.
Yes, please.
There you are.
Thank you.
Ah, here she is.
You all right?
Sit down, my princess.
We are all right.
We are moving.
Yes, we are.
And we are engaging espresso martinis immediately.
Sorry, who are you?
Oh, hi, I'm Celia.
Yeah, photographer is a gift from Stuart.
Oh.
And he's written a nice card here, Ains.
Ains and Sim, I'll use red.
Oh, sweet, actually.
A couple of pictures, I'm sorry.
Sorry, I'm just kidding.
Hey, what's wrong?
Would you mind maybe starting in the groom's area?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
There can only be one section break down today, and Ains has to be the first one.
He's clearly sending me a message, though.
You don't know that.
He probably booked her ages ago.
Should I call him?
Hard no.
You just need to park it until you get on that plane.
And then what?
You'll have a 23-hour flight to figure it out.
For Christ's sake, this is getting insulting now.
What's going on?
I'm gonna start on the face.
Are you sure you're okay?
Why don't we pop some music on?
Yeah.
I'll have you set up the speakers out the front, mate.
You know, I can do my own hair.
Just someone get her a seat.
No, come on.
What the hell's wrong?
It's a chat for another time.
Okay, well, we'll chat about it another time.
I'm hair.
I chatted on Stuart.
What?
When?
With who?
Sometimes it doesn't matter who.
Shut up, Ben.
It's Gerry.
Gerry as in Lady Gerry?
I was just as surprised as you are.
I didn't know that you were...
She's not.
Well, the jury's still out.
I was grappling with larger emotional questions
than even I understood at the time.
Is it ongoing?
It appears that I've taken myself on a kamikaze mission
to blow up my life.
It's when I was on the brink of my every dream officially coming true.
Hey.
What?
You should say.
Say what?
Yeah, say what?
You had your little tiptoe through the tulips in 2017?
What's this?
If you're referring to what I think you're referring to,
that is an appalling turn of phrase.
Never say that again.
Hang on.
What are you talking about?
Nothing.
It's not nothing,
and I think Liz would benefit from hearing it.
Years ago, when Colin and I had a break,
I gave it a red-hot go with Pat.
With Pat?
Who's Pat?
Hang on.
Patricia, your boss at the nursing home.
Oh, the one that fired you?
I quit.
I just...
Pat!
Actually, that makes a lot of sense.
When?
Years before I knew you.
I wanted to kill Colin at that point,
and Pat was my lifeline.
How did it go?
Not well.
Well, I enjoyed the upstairs more than the downstairs.
Pat's a hard worker.
She landed a few terrific shots,
but, yeah, it just wasn't for me.
Still glad I did it.
No regrets.
Hoo-hoo, everyone!
There's floods of people arriving out here!
I'll make five.
Oh.
Oh, are you all right?
Straight down leg side for four.
There's one.
Oh!
Oh, wow!
How is the commitment?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Aw, man.
That's all right, man.
Yeah, you're so lucky.
You're so lucky.
Yeah, that's really cool.
We're all gonna love that.
Give us a look.
Yeah, give us a look.
All right.
Ben.
Ben.
Yes, that's an incredible kilt.
Oh, yeah.
It is.
I wish I could take credit for it.
It's the Fitzsimmons family tartan.
And that's Pammy, the mother of the groom.
Oh, big day for her.
Yeah, yeah.
She's not married.
Oh, OK.
Get a photo of me.
Get a photo of you.
Come here.
Close with your family.
Close with your family?
I am, yeah.
Big clan is it?
Not really.
How about yourself?
Pretty big.
Yeah, the old girl wanted her own footy team.
Do you want to just make this clear?
The other day,
up the front, I didn't know that
you and Heather were...
There's no need to explain at all.
Just in case I was a bit off or something.
I just wanted to reassure you I'm 100% on board with
what you and Heather are doing.
I know what you're doing and I'm into it.
Okay.
I mean, not in a weird way. I mean, I approve.
Not that you need my bloody approval.
I appreciate it, Ben.
Timothy!
Looking sharp.
You too.
Oh yeah, because you two know each other from school.
From uni.
And outside of uni.
Yeah, I really respect Ed as a person.
Honour. Honesty.
I don't know if I'm that good.
Yeah.
Doesn't everyone sit somewhere between gay and straight?
You don't.
Excuse me, I actually did once have a sex dream about a woman.
Which woman?
Baby Spice.
Emma Bunton.
When I was 14.
And it is possible I was just lusting after her platform sneakers.
But my feelings were complex.
There's only one person straighter than you in this house.
Ben.
You couldn't even approach a man.
You'd need a general anaesthetic.
Where am I?
I think with you it's not about sexuality.
It isn't?
You needed to derail your life.
Mate, you came back for two weeks.
You've been here for months.
How many job offers have you knocked back?
Seven.
You never wanted any of them.
You wanted a victory lap.
And fair enough.
But that upper crust lawyer life, that's not you.
Not anymore.
What is me?
You want to live here.
With these dickheads.
Working with the oldies at the nursing home.
And you know what's kind of tragic?
Because you could have made some real coin in your life.
But it would never be enough.
Could I just point out we've got T-minus 15 minutes.
Shit. Okay. Yep. I'm getting changed.
I'm off.
Here we go.
Shit. Oh. Me too.
Um. I'll be back.
Do you need me to... Yep. Definitely.
Okay.
So...
What are you reading at the moment?
Um.
I've got a couple of things on the go.
See, I go all in.
One book at a time. Right.
Been sitting on the old war and peace for about two years now.
Wow. That's big.
Here we go.
This will be interesting.
Oh my God.
Oh. Hey, come on. You love Simo, don't you?
No, I didn't.
Well, it's his day. He's cool.
You can't say no to things.
Can he, though?
Hi.
Hi. I'm Ed.
Oh, yeah. Sorry. This is Mia, my daughter.
And Bec, my daughter's mother.
Hello.
Hey. Are you with the bride or the groom?
Ed's with Heather.
Ed's dating Heather.
Have you met Simo?
Uh.
Only briefly.
Yeah. Come on.
Excuse us.
You all right?
How you going, mate?
Um, did I miss the memo?
Oh, Simo rang me.
He thought that I didn't want to come.
Yeah, that's true, is it?
No.
But we decided it'd be easier.
Yeah, easier for us. But if he wants me here, it's his day.
Oh, yeah. Of course.
I'm glad everyone's fine with it anyway.
What?
Oh.
You look incredible.
Oh, my God. Look at you.
Ah.
Here we all are, eh?
It's a long time since the three of us
were this kid up at the same time.
I might just stay for the ceremony.
And then...
What's this?
Yeah, no, fair enough. I'll text you when Mia's done.
I'll just go and get the doors or anything like that.
Or you could just stick around.
Here we go. Look at this.
Come on, bunch up.
Yeah.
All right.
Oh, gorgeous. Big smiles.
Beautiful.
What's going on, mate?
Oh, mate, I told you it's not a good look for Bec to be here.
And you went and bloody rang her.
Oh, come on, mate.
Because she's my mate too,
and I want her here, OK?
So can we just get on with the day?
Well, it's weird for her.
It's not. She's fine with it.
Right, cos you'd know, wouldn't you?
Oi, she's happy.
OK? So am I.
We'll get married.
I know you are.
I can't believe you're carrying on like this.
Hey, like what?
You're trying to turn my big day into the fucking Benny show.
All right.
Why, you want me to leave or something, do you?
Cos I'll leave.
You're acting like a toddler throwing your toys.
Sounds like you want to have a go.
It sounds like you want to have a go. Come on.
Look at you, mate. Mate, I would never...
I'm out there trying to be your best man in your...
Oh, you all right?
Ah!
Ah, yeah.
Oh, shit.
Oh.
Oh, you got...
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh.
Is it all right?
Yeah.
Oh.
Oh, where are the shoes?
Yep.
What are you doing?
Oh, just topping up the ice buckets.
Oh, I topped them up half an hour ago.
Are we out of ice already?
No, we are not.
Sugar's got 14S. He's full of ice.
Aha.
You got some?
Yeah, here we go.
Sorry.
You are fucking kidding me.
I just want to be super clear.
This is on me.
It's on both of us.
Harry! No, don't go.
What do you want me to do? Well, it's fine.
It's fine. You're fine. Seriously?
Jesus Christ.
Is it broken?
It's fine.
That's good.
No, I don't think so.
Look, ideally we would get you both to a hospital.
No, no, no, no way.
But if we ice you up, I'm sure we'll get through to the end of the ceremony.
Oh, please.
You are exquisite.
You're bleeding.
Can't feel any pain.
Okay, so just keep the ice on.
Oh, Jesus.
What's happened?
They just want to feel pretty, mate.
Everyone's sitting down and the celebrant wants to know
when you're going to tell them to stop.
How much longer, Derek?
Well, another 10 minutes on the ice.
On 10 minutes for makeup to cover it up. So 20 minutes.
Okay, well, that's too long. They'll self-combust.
Um, okay.
Liz, Harry,
get out there and stall.
With what? Speeches.
Is that my speech?
I don't think it's going to work for us to deliver your speeches.
You got a better idea?
Go, go, go, go.
That's going to cover the red.
Would you just leave it alone?
You okay?
What do you reckon, mate? Look at your face.
Can we have a sec?
Just you and me upstairs?
Oh, no.
We can't do this.
No, we might have to.
Oh, oh, Amy's coming.
Okay.
Oh. Hi.
Is everything all right? Yes, yes.
Is it the back door problem?
No, it's more about her shoes.
It might happen.
What?
It's a smear of makeup on the shoes.
No, no, no.
Heather has the situation very much in hand.
So just take a seat.
Yeah, it's all good.
Okay, right behind you.
Hi. So, would you mind if... Oh.
Thank you.
Mm-hm.
Ladies and gentlemen,
um, for those of you who don't know us,
I'm Harry.
This is Liz.
And, um, Ainsley and Simo
will be with us momentarily.
But for now,
would anyone like to share any stories
about the, uh, the bride and or groom?
Oh, that's sweet.
Or anything else.
Come on.
Okay.
Um...
HE COUGHS
Oh, uh, Liz actually, I think,
has some lovely words
from the best man himself.
Uh, so, uh, hover up there, Liz.
Ha-ha.
And, um, thank you.
Thank you, Harry.
Yes, um...
Yes...
Ben...
Ben has kindly, um,
offered to share
some heartfelt words
while we wait.
Simo.
Sim.
Sim-meister-jim-o.
Sim-meister-general.
HE CHUCKLES
What do you call him, Matt?
My brother, my best mate.
We've shared so many
magic moments.
But my fondest
was when we were 14
at school camp
in the dead of winter.
It was bloody freezing.
Sim's always been a curious fella,
and it struck him one night
that he didn't know
how far back his...
Say it.
Say it.
His foreskin would go.
Oh, Mami.
Yes.
Just read it.
HE CHUCKLES
I never knew a foreskin
could get stuck all the way back.
Turns out
it can.
More common than you'd think, actually.
It wasn't just a time of your trouble,
was it?
You can say it.
You've given me everything
I thought I wanted.
And this is a conversation we should have had
weeks ago.
OK. It's... It's OK.
It's just...
Since I lost Evie,
all of this...
It was the stupidest little thing.
The other night, Harry and I joked
about how we should have had a baby together.
And it got stuck in my head
and it went a bit crazy
and I didn't know why.
But I think I know now
that being a wife
with five kids out in the bush...
So you wanna break it off?
I love you.
And I hate that I'm hurting you like this.
So, is it more the...
the getting hitched
or moving to Diamo or the five kids
that's freaking you out?
I don't know.
Five kids that's freaking you out.
Could be all three.
Right.
But you still love me.
I adore you.
I ain't...
All of this is...
It's just me trying to make you happy.
And if it doesn't, then fucking forget about it, mate.
I don't care that you don't want kids
or if you want one kid
or if you want Harry's kid, okay?
Okay, the only thing I want in the whole world
is to be with you.
And everything else is... that's just noise.
The doc did his best to retract it manually.
But the thread of circumcision hung over him
like the sword of Damocles.
Maybe we should get out there.
Hey, how's this look?
Not good.
You know Bec's out there?
Yeah.
I didn't invite her.
It was Simo's idea.
I know.
I think he reckons...
having her around will help me to move on or something.
But that's...
Maybe he's right.
Maybe this is your chance to be the family
you were always meant to be.
Hev, I can't.
Because I still love you.
And I... I don't know.
I always will.
I know I can't undo what I did,
but I will work as hard as I can
for as long as it takes to convince you
to give me another shot.
And just before they wheeled him into surgery...
Before they wheeled him into surgery,
he turned to me and...
And with his manhood on the table, he said,
look after mum.
And that, ladies and gentlemen,
it tells you everything there is to know
about the character of Kevin Daniel Richard Fitzsimmons.
That's such a great story.
You can hear it a hundred times
and it just gets better every time you hear it.
Yes, thank you, the fridge.
I'm sure we won't be far off now,
so please, if you're not going to be there,
far off now, so the bar is open, so grab a drink.
And we'll see you soon.
Hey.
Hey, did you come up all right?
Yeah, mate, you actually look better
than you did before the hit.
True, how do you call that contouring?
Checking that contour, this?
Nah, you don't need it. It's not even...
You can't even see it.
Everything just looks like a cold sore.
Yeah, any day of the week, that's a cold sore.
Is that better?
No one's gonna give you a shit about a cold sore
when you're out there getting married.
Oh, yeah. We're not getting married.
What?
You better go get the others.
Here we go.
Yeah!
Thank you.
Welcome, everyone, to the wedding of Aimsley and Kevin.
Uh, if you don't mind,
I might just pinch up for a second.
Sorry, Jay. Thanks.
Uh, apologies, everyone, for the delay.
Oh, it's my fault.
No, no, it's not mine.
Yeah, it is. Honestly, Benny...
What? Mate, it's...
Um, and...
I've got a bit of late-breaking news here,
and, um, we're... we're not gonna get married today.
What?
Yeah, it's all right, Pammy. No, no, no, look,
we're still gonna do the party and the photos, and, um...
Yeah, right now, I just wanna say something real quick, if I can.
Um...
A few years back, Benny told me he was buying into a house
with a group of people he met at a wedding.
And I thought to myself,
oh, shit, mate, you haven't thought this through.
You're an idiot. And to be fair, you hadn't.
But, um, I converted pretty quick-spot
when, a couple of months later,
this whole weird setup brought this...
kind, resilient, beautiful woman into my life.
And, uh, I fell absolutely head over heels in love with her.
And, um...
And unbelievably, she, um...
she loved me back.
I do. I do. I...
I do, too. I do.
I do. Yeah, yeah. No, no, I'm joking, June. I'm joking.
And so here we are in fancy duds on a cake.
And, um, I'm just gonna say,
your girl's gonna be so hot that you can just sit there
and think, she's gonna be on the cake,
and she's gonna be on the cake all night long.
And so here we are in fancy duds on a cake somewhere
with... with everyone we love in the same spot at the same time.
And, um, I've gotta tell you, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.
On you, mate. No, that's...
It's frigid.
So, as we always say at B&S Construction,
bugger the paperwork, let's crack on with the party.
I
I
We
We're trying
Oh
I'm not a drink. Yeah
Hey, hey, just gonna grab some more stuff. Oh, yeah. I'll see you in a bit
Hey
I
Everyone else is dancing you're not it's a little bit weird
Yeah, I will dance with you
I have one song. Just not with your arms arms or nothing
It's not what we expected but I look happy
I'll be coding up. Yeah, not good. You're gonna need more ice Ben
What you said before yeah, I'm sorry Heather I shouldn't have
Right now I'm gonna get on that dance floor and dance with it
The first time in my life, I don't know anything to any man I'm having fun I
Just want to keep it that way
You deserve it
If you ever change your mind