Father Knows Best (1954–1960): Season 3, Episode 6 - Spaghetti for Margaret - full transcript
Margaret wins a raffle: free spaghetti dinner once a week for a year. Also, Jim's friend Harper visits. Harper never finished high school, determined to start enjoying the good life. He has interesting stories to tell but never had success.
[classical music]
Narrator: ROBERT YOUNG...
AND JANE WYATT...
[laughter]
WITH ELINOR DONAHUE, BILLY
GRAY, AND LAUREN CHAPIN
IN FATHER KNOWS BEST.
HEY, MOM!
MOM, GUESS WHAT?
YOU... YOU ARE A WINNER.
AN E-FLAT, GOLD-PLATED,
SOUPED-UP WINNER!
I AM. A WINNER OF WHAT?
"A WINNER OF WHAT," SHE SAYS.
MOM, DON'T YOU REMEMBER THE
CHANCE I SOLD YOU FOR A BOOK,
WHEN WE'RE RAISING
MONEY FOR THE [PH] HIGH Y,
AND... AND THE MERCHANTS
PUT UP THE PRIZES AND ALL THAT?
OH, YES, THAT.
YES, THAT. AND TODAY,
WE HAD THE DRAWING.
AND YOU, OH, LITTLE
GRAY-HAIRED MOTHER OF MINE,
YOU ARE A BIG, FAT WINNER.
YOU MEAN, I ACTUALLY
WON THAT TELEVISION SET?
NO, THAT WAS FIRST PRIZE. OH.
WELL, WHAT WAS SECOND PRIZE?
SECOND PRIZE WAS
A HICKORY-SMOKED,
SUGAR-BAKED VIRGINIA HAM.
OH, REALLY?
BUT YOU DIDN'T WIN THAT EITHER.
YOU WON 13th PRIZE.
THIRTEENTH?
AND HERE'S THE LITTLE
BEAUTY RIGHT HERE.
A SPAGHETTI FEED FOR ONE
AT LAZARRO'S PIZZA HOUSE.
PRETTY COOL, HUH, MOM?
DOWNRIGHT FREEZING.
AND LOOK, NOT JUST
ONCE CAN YOU GO THERE,
BUT EVERY WEEK, SEE?
FIFTY-TWO FREE FEEDS.
HOW ABOUT THAT?
I GUESS YOU'RE JUST
LUCKY, HUH, MOM?
I GUESS SO.
WELL, I'M GONNA CALL DAD
AND TELL HIM THE GOOD NEWS.
OH, NO! DON'T GO BOTHERING
YOUR FATHER AT THE OFFICE.
OH, LISTEN, HE'LL BE GLAD TO BE
BOTHERED WITH NEWS LIKE THIS.
JUST THINK HOW COMFORTING
IT WILL BE TO KNOW THAT,
EVEN IF HE GOES BROKE,
HIS LITTLE WIFE CAN EAT FREE
SPAGHETTI FOR THE NEXT 52 WEEKS.
[canned laughter]
[sighs]
♪ ♪
ALL RIGHT, MR. EAMES,
IF YOU'LL JUST SIGN THIS LOAN
AGREEMENT ON THE SECOND...
WELL, I GUESS YOU
KNOW WHERE TO SIGN IT.
[phone rings] EXCUSE ME.
YES?
OH, I HAVEN'T TIME
TO TALK TO BUD NOW.
OH, ALL RIGHT, PUT HIM ON.
OH, PEN, MR. EAMES?
OH, THANK YOU.
NOW WHAT IS IT, BUD?
SHE WON WHAT?
EVERY WEEK?
[laughs]
I'M SURE THIS IS SOMETHING
SHE'S BEEN LIVING FOR.
OH, NO. NO.
I THINK IT'S GREAT, AND I
CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH
FOR RUSHING THIS BIG NEWS TO ME.
I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT.
BU...
BU...
BUD...
I'M BUSY. I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT.
YEAH, GOODBYE.
[chuckles]
I BELIEVE EVERYTHING
IS IN ORDER, JIM.
YOU'LL FILL IN THE
NUMBER OF MY POLICY.
YES, CERTAINLY, MR. EAMES.
WE'LL TAKE CARE OF THAT.
HERE YOU ARE.
FINE.
WELL, IT LOOKS AS IF MY BOOK
WILL BE GOING TO THE
PUBLISHER SOON, JIM.
OH? THEY KEEP
HOUNDING ME FOR IT,
BUT I TELL THEM THAT LITERATURE
ISN'T WRITTEN TO
A TIME CLOCK, JIM.
NO, I GUESS NOT.
WELL, ANY TIME WE CAN BE
OF SERVICE TO YOU, MR. EAMES,
JUST LET US KNOW.
OH, THANK YOU, JIM.
OH, UH, BY THE WAY,
THEY'RE GOING TO GET UP
A LITTLE BANQUET FOR ME.
LOOKS AS IF THEY'RE GOING
TO HONOR THE OLD SCRIBBLER.
AND I THOUGHT I'D LIKE TO HAVE
YOU TO BE MY GUEST THAT NIGHT.
WELL, I'D BE HONORED,
MR. EAMES. THANK YOU.
WELL, NOW, I'LL
LET YOU KNOW, JIM.
UH, I'LL LET YOU KNOW. YEAH.
DO YOU HAVE TIME TO LOOK
THESE OVER AND SIGN THEM?
OH, OKAY.
I SEE MR. HARPER EAMES,
FAMOUS AUTHOR, FINALLY LEFT.
UH-HUH.
IT'S NONE OF MY
BUSINESS, MR. ANDERSON,
BUT HOW MUCH LONGER
ARE YOU GOING TO KEEP
ON FINANCING THAT OLD...
OH, WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND IS,
HOW HE HAS THE NERVE
TO KEEP ON COMING IN HERE,
PRETENDING TO BORROW
MONEY ON AN INSURANCE POLICY
THAT LAPSED 16 YEARS AGO?
DON'T BE TOO HARD
ON OL' HARPER EAMES,
HE'S NOT A BAD SORT.
HE NEVER COULD BRING HIMSELF
TO COME IN HERE AND SAY,
"LOOK, I'M BROKE AND
HUNGRY. I NEED SOME MONEY."
THIS WAY, IT, UH,
KEEPS HIS DIGNITY.
IN HIS MIND, IT
KEEPS HIM HONEST.
HONEST.
WELL, IF HE DOESN'T DO
ANY HARM WITH HIS ILLUSIONS,
IF HE DIDN'T BELIEVE
THAT HIS BOOK,
WHICH HE'S BEEN
WRITING FOR 30 YEARS,
WOULD SOMEDAY BE PUBLISHED,
AND THAT THIS TOWN WOULD
ALSO HONOR HIM WITH A BANQUET,
WHAT ELSE WOULD HE HAVE?
OH, THIS THING, IT'S
ALWAYS OUT OF INK.
WHAT DID I DO WITH MY PEN?
OH, PROBABLY MR. EAMES STOLE IT.
OH, HE WOULDN'T
DO A THING LIKE...
BY GEORGE, HE DID BORROW IT.
BUT HE DIDN'T STEAL IT.
[chuckles] AND YOU WERE SUPPOSED
TO GO DOWN THERE
EVERY WEEK [door opens]
AND EAT SPAGHETTI? [door closes]
OH, WHY WOULD THEY EVER
HAVE A DOOR PRIZE LIKE THAT?
WELL, WHO ARE YOU
PLANNING TO POISON?
[canned laughter] BUNCH OF BUMS!
KATHY, SUCH LANGUAGE.
WELL, THEY ARE.
HOW OLD DO YOU HAVE TO BE
BEFORE YOU CAN QUIT SCHOOL?
QUIT SCHOOL?
OR TRANSFER?
I'M NOT GOING BACK TO
MY SCHOOL, I KNOW THAT.
WELL, WHY NOT?
THEY LAUGHED AT ME. LOOK!
OH! WELL, HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
I DON'T KNOW!
ALLS I KNOW, I WAS GOING
UP TO THE FRONT BLACKBOARD
TO WORK AN ARITHMETIC PROBLEM,
AND ALL THE KIDS
STARTED TO LAUGH.
OH, WELL.
THEN I GOT SO EMBARRASSED, I
COULDN'T WORK THE PROBLEM.
SO I STARTED TO
RUN BACK TO MY SEAT.
AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT I DID?
I TRIPPED OVER MY OWN STUPID
FEET, FELL FLAT ON THE FLOOR.
BOY, YOU SHOULD'VE HEARD
'EM LAUGH THEN, THEY SCREAMED.
I CAN'T EVER GO BACK THERE.
OH, NOW, GO UPSTAIRS
AND CHANGE YOUR DRESS.
AND BY TOMORROW MORNING,
THEY'LL HAVE
FORGOTTEN EVERYTHING.
NO, THEY WON'T.
OH, I WISH I COULD DO
SOMETHING TO SHOW 'EM.
MAKE 'EM SORRY THEY
EVER LAUGHED AT ME.
[phone rings]
HELLO?
OH, NO, MS. THOMAS,
HE'S NOT HOME YET.
YES, I'LL TELL HIM.
WHAT?
NO! [clicks tongue]
HIS PEN, TOO?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO ABOUT THAT,
IT'S BEEN GOING ON
FOR SO LONG NOW.
AH, ALL RIGHT, [door opens]
I'LL GIVE HIM THE OTHER
MESSAGE. GOODBYE.
HELLO, FATHER. [door closes]
HELLO, PRINCESS.
HELLO, HONEY!
WELL, HOW MUCH DID HE
GET OUT OF YOU THIS TIME?
HOW MUCH DID WHO?
YOU KNOW WHO,
THAT FAMOUS AUTHOR WHO
STOLE YOUR FOUNTAIN PEN.
HE DIDN'T STEAL IT. AND
HOW DID YOU KNOW ALL THIS?
WELL, MS. THOMAS JUST PHONED
TO TELL YOU THAT [PH] BEN TRITES
OF THE CHICAGO OFFICE CALLED YOU
AND HE'LL TRY YOU
AGAIN HERE AT THE HOUSE.
OH, OKAY.
JIM. HMM?
I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT
HARPER, BUT DON'T YOU THINK...
HONEY, WE'VE OVER
ALL THIS BEFORE.
AS LONG AS YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL,
THERE'S NOTHING MORE TO BE SAID.
WHAT'S THIS HOLD HARPER
EAMES HAS ON FATHER?
OH, IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO
WITH MR. EAMES BEING ONE
OF HIS HIGH SCHOOL TEACHERS.
I'VE NEVER BEEN QUITE SURE.
A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER?
UH-HMM.
UNTIL ONE DAY, HE
WROTE A LITTLE PIECE
AND SOLD IT TO SOME
SECOND-RATE MAGAZINE.
THAT WAS HIS UNDOING.
HE QUIT TEACHING,
BECAME A WRITER,
AND NEVER SOLD
ANOTHER THING SINCE.
[phone rings] [canned laughter]
HELLO?
HELLO?
OH, YES, HE'S HERE,
HOLD ON A MINUTE.
JIM! HMM?
[canned laughter] OH,
THE CHICAGO CALL.
[doorbell dings] OH, OKAY.
I'LL GET IT!
EXCUSE ME, YOUNG LADY,
IS YOUR FATHER AT HOME?
I'D LIKE TO SEE HIM
FOR A MOMENT IF I MAY.
SURE, COME IN.
THANK YOU.
DADDY, DADDY! COME HERE.
HE'S ON THE PHONE,
LONG DISTANCE.
HE'LL BE THERE IN A MINUTE.
HE'LL BE HERE IN A MINUTE.
WON'T YOU SIT DOWN
OR... OR SOMETHING?
[canned laughter]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
[classical music]
♪ ♪
WHO ARE YOU?
[canned laughter] WHO AM I?
I'M A FRIEND OF YOUR DADDY'S.
HAVEN'T YOU GOT A NAME?
OH, YES, YES.
HARPER EAMES, AUTHOR.
AUTHOR?
A... A... A REAL, LIVE AUTHOR?
THAT'S RIGHT. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
KATHY.
GEE...
A FAMOUS AUTHOR.
HOW COME MY DADDY
KNOWS A FAMOUS AUTHOR?
YOUR DADDY IS A WONDERFUL,
REMARKABLE MAN, THAT'S WHY.
OH!
WHAT KIND OF
STORIES DO YOU WRITE?
FOR CHILDREN?
FOR CHILDREN,
FOR ALL OF MANKIND.
MY BOOK IS THE
WHOLE STORY, KATHY,
AND IT'S ALL RIGHT
THERE. [taps briefcase]
THE RISE OF MAN,
THE FAILURE OF MAN,
THE HOPE OF MAN.
IT'S THE WHOLE STORY,
THE STORY THAT'S BEING
WRITTEN EVERY DAY,
AND IT WAS STARTED A
THOUSAND YEARS AGO.
SAY, YOU'RE OLDER THAN YOU LOOK.
THEY'RE GOING TO GIVE
ME A BANQUET, KATHY.
A FINE BANQUET WITH
FLOWERS ON THE TABLE,
AND ALL THE IMPORTANT
PEOPLE WILL BE THERE.
THEY WILL? A FINE BANQUET
AND THEY'LL MAKE
SPEECHES ABOUT MY WRITINGS,
AND TELEGRAMS WILL COME IN.
GEE, I WISH I COULD GO
TO SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
WELL, YOU CAN, KATHY.
I WANT YOU TO BE THERE.
YOU JUST SIT RIGHT
UP THERE BESIDE ME.
[gasping] YOU... YOU...
YOU REALLY MEAN IT?
YOU'LL BE MY GUEST, HELP
ME OPEN THE TELEGRAMS.
OH, BOY, OH, THANK YOU.
YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT THIS DOES FOR ME.
BOY, THIS WILL SHOW
THOSE LITTLE SMART ALECKS!
WE'LL SEE WHO'S
LAUGHING AT WHO NOW!
EXCUSE ME, I GOTTA RUN
OUT AND TELL PATTY DAVIS.
[canned laughter]
[door slams] KATHY, WHAT
DID YOU WANT ME FOR...
WELL, MR. EAMES.
SORRY TO BOTHER YOU, JIM.
BUT I DISCOVERED WE HAD A
LITTLE UNFINISHED BUSINESS.
UNFINISHED BUSINESS?
AFTER I LEFT YOUR OFFICE,
I DISCOVERED I
STILL HAD YOUR PEN.
OH!
OH, YES.
UH, I DIDN'T EVEN
KNOW IT WAS GONE.
[canned laughter]
THANKS, MR. EAMES.
I WENT BACK TO YOUR
OFFICE, BUT YOU'D LEFT.
SO, YOU WALKED ALL
THE WAY OUT HERE.
THAT'S QUITE A LONG WAY
OUT OF YOUR WAY, ISN'T IT?
OH, NO.
I... I GO MANY WAYS, AND I
HAVE THE TIME TO GO PLACES,
AND THE LEGS TO CARRY ME THERE.
WELL, GOOD NIGHT, JIM.
GOOD NIGHT, MR. EAMES.
OH, AND, UH... THANK YOU.
[dramatic music]
DID I HEAR YOU TALKING
TO SOMEONE, DEAR?
YES, MR. HARPER EAMES.
EAMES?
HERE?
[smirks] WHAT'S THE MATTER?
DIDN'T HE GET ENOUGH FROM
YOU AT THE OFFICE TODAY?
I KNOW VERY FEW PEOPLE
WHO WOULD TAKE THE TROUBLE
TO WALK CLEAR ACROSS TOWN
JUST TO RETURN A LITTLE PEN.
VERY FEW.
[door slams]
BOY, YOU SHOULD HAVE
SEEN PATTY WHEN I TOLD HER.
HER OLD EYES BUGGED OUT.
AT FIRST, SHE WOULDN'T BELIEVE
THAT I WAS GOING
TO THIS BANQUET.
BANQUET?
OH, WHAT BANQUET?
THE BANQUET THEY'RE GIVING
FOR THE FAMOUS AUTHOR,
DADDY'S FRIEND.
AND HE EVEN INVITED
ME TO BE HIS GUEST.
OH, NO.
BOY, THIS IS THE GREATEST
THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
JUST WHEN I NEEDED IT, TOO.
HEY, BETTY, BETTY!
GUESS WHAT?
YOU COULD FORGIVE
A MAN A LOT OF THINGS,
BUT NOT FOR LYING TO A CHILD.
NO.
BUT WE HAVE TO REMEMBER
THAT IN HIS MIND, HE'S NOT LYING.
IT ALL ADDS UP THE SAME THING.
THERE'S NOT GOING
TO BE A BANQUET.
THERE NEVER WAS AND
THERE NEVER WILL BE.
HE BELIEVES THERE WILL BE.
HOW CAN HE ACTUALLY?
WELL, HE'S DREAMED OF IT
AND WANTED IT FOR SO LONG,
THAT IT'S FINALLY
BECOME A REALITY TO HIM.
WHO KNOWS? [chuckles]
MAYBE BELIEVING CAN
MAKE AN ILLUSION A REALITY.
FOR HIM MAYBE, BUT
WHAT ABOUT KATHY?
SHE BELIEVES, TOO.
FOR HER, THERE'S NOTHING
BUT DISAPPOINTMENT.
WHAT ABOUT KATHY?
WHAT SHE'S BEEN GOOFING UP NOW?
[canned laughter] OH, NOTHING.
BUD, WHY DON'T YOU
GO BURN THE TRASH?
YOU'VE BEEN
NEGLECTING IT LATELY.
OKAY, BUT WHAT KATHY'S BEEN...
GO BURN THE TRASH.
OKAY, OKAY.
YOU KNOW, IF I WASN'T SO
LOVABLE, WITTY AND POPULAR,
I'D THINK YOU WERE
TRYING TO GET RID OF ME.
[canned laughter]
HEY, MOM, MOM, LOOK HERE.
YOUR FREE SPAGHETTI TICKET
GOT THROWN IN THE WASTE BASKET.
IT'S ALL CRUMPLED UP.
HOW DO YOU SUPPOSE
THAT HAPPENED?
OH, IT MUST HAVE
BEEN AN ACCIDENT.
GEE, A LUCKY THING I
HAPPEN TO SEE IT, HUH, MOM?
VERY LUCKY.
YOU KNOW, IF I
HAVEN'T HAD SEEN IT,
YOU WOULDN'T GOTTEN TO
GO TO LAZARRO'S PIZZA HOUSE
EVERY WEEK FOR...
BUD, GO BURN THE TRASH.
OKAY, OKAY, I'LL GO.
[sighs]
HE WOULD HAVE TO FIND THAT.
I CAN JUST SEE
MOTHER AT LAZARRO'S,
BIG BIB AROUND HER NECK,
TWIRLING SPAGHETTI ON A FORK.
[canned laughter]
[sobbing]
DARN THOSE SMART ALECKS.
THEY'RE JUST
JEALOUS, THAT'S WHAT.
IT ISN'T TRUE, IS IT?
HE'S NOT JUST A
CRAZY OLD MAN, IS HE?
WHO SAID THAT?
OH, TOMMY AND LESLIE.
THEY SAID NOBODY WOULD
EVER GIVE HIM A BANQUET.
THEY JUST KEPT SHOUTING
THAT STUPID OLD POEM.
WHAT POEM?
EAMES, EAMES, FULL OF BEANS.
LIVES ON MUSHROOM, EMPTY DREAMS.
THEY JUST MADE
THAT UP, DIDN'T THEY?
THEY JUST MADE IT UP.
THEY'RE JEALOUS.
KATHY, LISTEN...
THERE WILL BE A BANQUET.
I KNOW IT, BECAUSE HE TOLD
ME, AND HE WOULDN'T LIE.
GROWNUPS DON'T LIE.
DO THEY?
WELL, NOT REALLY.
ESPECIALLY FAMOUS
AUTHORS, I KNOW THEY DON'T LIE.
DARN KIDS, THEY'RE JUST JEALOUS.
THIS ISN'T GOING TO BE EASY.
POOR KID, TOO BAD THERE
REALLY ISN'T A BANQUET.
YES, WHAT A WORLD OF
THINGS THAT WOULD SOLVE.
NOW WHAT A NIGHT THAT
WOULD BE FOR OLD HARPER.
THE CULMINATION
OF A LIFELONG DREAM.
ALL RIGHT, THERE'S NO BANQUET,
SO LET'S TALK SENSE.
HOW CAN WE TELL HER THE TRUTH
WITHOUT HURTING HER MORE
THAN SHE ALREADY HAS BEEN?
I WONDER WHAT A
BANQUET WOULD COST.
OH, JIM, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
THINK HOW MUCH OLD
HARPER'S ALREADY COST YOU.
[chuckles]
IN FACT, THAT'S THE CAUSE
OF THIS WHOLE THING.
HMM?
WELL, IF YOU HADN'T KEPT
HIM GOING ALL THESE YEARS,
HE WOULD HAVE
GOTTEN A DECENT JOB,
AND STEPPED OUT OF
HIS WORLD OF ILLUSION.
YES, I GUESS SO,
BUT THAT WOULD HAVE
BEEN NO LIFE FOR HIM.
BESIDES, CONSIDERING
WHAT HE MEANT TO ME,
I COULDN'T LET HIM DOWN.
WELL, EXACTLY WHAT
DOES HE MEAN TO YOU?
I'VE OFTEN WONDERED.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
WHEN I WAS A KID IN HIS CLASS,
HE TRIED TO MAKE ME UNDERSTAND
WHAT THE TRUE
VALUES OF LIFE WERE.
I REMEMBER THE
LAST COUPLE OF LINES
OF A LITTLE POEM HE TAUGHT ME,
"OF ALL BEST THINGS
UPON EARTH I HOLD,
THAT A FAITHFUL
FRIEND IS THE BEST."
IT'S A FAR CRY FROM "EAMES,
EAMES, FULL OF BEANS."
AND I THINK IT'S BEEN
A FAIRLY ONE-SIDED
FRIENDSHIP, TOO.
NO, IT HASN'T.
I REMEMBER DAYS IN COLLEGE
WHEN I SWORE THAT
I COULDN'T MAKE IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT KEPT ME GOING?
THINGS THAT OLD
HARPER TAUGHT ME.
WHEN I OPENED THE
INSURANCE OFFICE,
THERE WERE SOME
PRETTY BLACK DAYS.
BUT THERE WERE THINGS
THAT HARPER HANDED ON TO ME
THAT HELPED ME
KEEP ON STRUGGLING.
[chuckles] AFTER
ALL THESE YEARS,
I'M SEEING HARPER
FOR THE FIRST TIME.
[chuckles]
BUT THAT DOESN'T
HELP US WITH KATHY.
WELL, THE BEST ANSWER
IS STILL A BANQUET,
BUT WHO COULD AFFORD
ANYTHING LIKE THAT?
WHAT'S THE MATTER, MOTHER? HMM?
OH, IT'S PROBABLY NOTHING,
JUST A CRAZY IDEA.
WHAT IS?
OH, IT PROBABLY
WOULDN'T EVEN WORK.
WHAT WOULDN'T?
WHAT'S YOUR CRAZY IDEA?
WELL, I'LL LET YOU
KNOW TOMORROW.
I... I HAVE TO FIND OUT FIRST.
RIGHT NOW, WE NEED
SOMETHING TO EAT.
[sighs]
UH, EXCUSE ME.
I AM... I'M LOOKING FOR
MISTER, UM, LAZARRO?
YOU GOT HIM.
OH! WELL...
IF YOU'LL PARDON ME, I
CAN TELL YOU SOMETHING
HOW WE CAN SAVE BOTH
A LOT OF CONVERSATION.
I HIRE ONLY MEN
WAITERS. [canned laughter]
OH, WELL. [chuckles]
WELL I... I DIDN'T COME
LOOKING FOR A JOB.
UH, I WON THIS,
THE WINNING TICKET.
OH. OH!
FOR THE HIGH Y BOYS, SURE.
AND YOU'RE THE WINNER.
AH, BIENVENIDO,
BIENVENIDO. CONGRATULATION.
LAZARRO PIZZA HOUSE IS HONORED
TO HAVE SUCH A FINE PATRON.
BUT YOU'RE MUCH TOO
EARLY, MUCH TOO EARLY.
YOU... YOU SEE, WE DON'T
START SERVING UNTIL 5:30.
AND I HAVEN'T GOTTEN
MY MENU TYPED UP YET.
OH, WELL.
I DON'T WANT TO EAT NOW.
I'M... I'M JUST HERE TO, UH...
WELL, TO, UH, MAKE
THE ARRANGEMENTS.
ARRANGEMENT?
OH, SURE, THE
ARRANGEMENT. [sighs]
HEY, YOU JUST SIT RIGHT HERE.
UNO MENTO.
YEAH, YOU SIT RIGHT
HERE, MISS, UH, MISS...
UH, MRS. ANDERSON.
AH, MRS. ANDERSON. YES.
SURE, WE MAKE THE
ARRANGEMENT RIGHT NOW.
WHAT KIND OF ARRANGEMENT
ARE WE GONNA MAKE?
[canned laughter]
THE TICKET SAYS
YOU GET SPAGHETTI.
SO YOU GET SPAGHETTI, THE BEST!
NOW, WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
TONIGHT? NO.
UH, HOW ABOUT, UM,
NEXT FRIDAY NIGHT?
FRIDAY?
NEXT FRIDAY.
OH, OKAY.
FRIDAY'S ALL RIGHT. OH, GOOD.
NOW, UH, TELL ME, MR. LAZARRO,
HOW MANY PEOPLE
CAN YOU SERVE HERE?
UH, AT ONE TIME, I MEAN.
OH, 45.
FIFTY IF WE SQUEEZE A LITTLE.
OH, THAT'S FINE.
UH, NOW I'LL TELL
YOU WHAT I'D LIKE.
I'D LIKE TO HAVE ALL MY 52
FREE DINNERS THIS FRIDAY NIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, SURE.
[canned laughter]
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
ALL 52 IN ONE NIGHT?
YES, IT'S GOING TO BE
SORT OF A BANQUET.
NO.
NO.
NO, YOU GOT THE WRONG IDEA.
[canned laughter]
ONE A WEEK, THAT'S IT.
ONE A WEEK.
WELL, IT DOESN'T SAY THAT.
READ IT.
IT JUST SAYS 52
FREE SPAGHETTI FEES.
WELL, THIS IS...
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT IT
MEANS ONE A WEEK, NOT ALL IN ONE.
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?
BANKRUPT ME?
[canned laughter]
WHY, DON'T YOU LIKE ME?
[canned laughter]
WHY?
NOW, DON'T LOOK SO GLUM.
YOU MAY BE BEING HOST TO
SOME VERY IMPORTANT PEOPLE.
IMPORTANT PEOPLE.
THAT MAKES GOING BROKE BETTER?
OH, YOU WON'T.
BESIDES, YOU COULDN'T
BUY THIS KIND OF PUBLICITY
FOR 200 SPAGHETTI DINNERS.
GOODBYE, MR. LAZARRO.
THANK YOU.
YOU'VE BEEN VERY SWEET.
OH.
[canned laughter]
MR. LAZARRO, YOU'RE VERY
SWEET AND VERY STUPID.
[door closes] [canned laughter]
NOW, YOU GOT TO PUT
ON SOME EXTRA HELP
JUST TO GIVE AWAY
FREE SPAGHETTI!
[canned laughter]
NOW, STOP LAUGHING.
IT WASN'T EASY, AND I
WAS SCARED TO DEATH.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
YOU ACTUALLY WENT DOWN...
YES, YES, I DID IT.
[laughs] NOW, STOP
LOOKING SO AMAZED.
WELL, THIS IS THE DAY
MOMMA STRIKES BACK.
OH. [laughs]
WHAT A CRAZY LITTLE MOMMA, HUH?
YEAH.
LAZARRO MUST HAVE
DIED WHEN YOU ASKED HIM.
WELL, HE MOANED AS
THOUGH I STABBED HIM
WITH A SPAGHETTI FORK.
NOW, LISTEN,
KATHY MUST NEVER KNOW HOW
THIS BANQUET WAS ARRANGED.
AS FAR AS SHE KNOWS...
BY THE WAY, WHERE IS SHE?
WELL, I THINK UP IN HER ROOM.
I GUESS THE KIDS GAVE HER A
PRETTY BAD TIME AT SCHOOL TODAY.
KEPT RECITING THAT
POEM ABOUT EAMES, EAMES.
FULL OF BEANS, LIVES ON
MUSH AND COCKEYED DREAM.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
GO AROUND RECITING IT.
I WAS JUST... WELL, DON'T.
NOW, WHO DO WE
INVITE TO THE BANQUET?
IT SHOULDN'T BE HARD TO
GET PEOPLE TO A FREE DINNER.
NO, NO, WAIT A MINUTE.
NOW, BEFORE WE FILL UP A HOLE,
WE SHOULD INVITE SOME
VERY IMPORTANT PEOPLE.
THIS MUSTN'T LOOK LIKE
A JOKE TO MR. EAMES.
NO, THAT'S RIGHT.
I KNOW SOMEONE WHO
WOULD BE WONDERFUL.
DAN TALL, THE
COLUMNIST ON THE PAPER,
HE'D UNDERSTAND
THIS SORT OF THING,
AND HE'D GIVE OLD
HARPER A WRITE-UP
HE COULD TREASURE
FOR THE REST OF HIS DAYS.
SHH! HERE SHE COMES.
HELLO, KITTEN.
COME IN.
WE, UM, HAVE A LITTLE MATTER
WE WANNA DISCUSS WITH YOU.
MATTER?
YOU KNOW, THE BANQUET.
BANQUET?
YUP!
IT'S GONNA BE FRIDAY NIGHT.
THIS FRIDAY?
OH, BOY! [chuckles]
WHAT A BIG SURPRISE, HUH, KID?
SURPRISE?
IT'S NO SURPRISE.
I KNEW THERE WAS GONNA
BE A BANQUET ALL THE TIME.
'CAUSE HE TOLD ME.
SUCH BELIEF.
THIS IS PROBABLY THE
SAME REACTION WE'LL GET
WHEN WE TELL HARPER
ABOUT THE BANQUET.
HEY, I'D BETTER DO THAT,
IF I COULD JUST FIND
OUT WHERE HE LIVES.
YOU COULD LOOK HIM
UP IN THE PHONE BOOK.
PHONE BOOK? HAH!
PHONE COMPANY NEVER HEARD
OF HARPER EAMES, FAMOUS AUTHOR.
HE LIVES AROUND IN LITTLE ROOMS,
MOVING WHENEVER THE RENT IS DUE.
LET'S SEE, WHERE
WOULD I FIND HIM?
[comic music]
♪ ♪
FATHER, I JUST REALIZED,
WE FORGOT TO SEND HARPER
EAMES A LOT OF TELEGRAMS.
NO, I TOOK CARE OF THAT.
OH, HERE'S SOMETHING ELSE.
DAN TALL SAID HE'S FAMILIAR
WITH HARPER'S SO-CALLED BOOK.
I KNOW IT RAMBLES AROUND,
HAS A FEW GOOD THOUGHTS.
SO HE'S TALKED HIS NEWSPAPER
INTO RUNNING A LITTLE BOX
IN THE PAPER EVERY NIGHT
UNDER THE HEADING
"HARPER EAMES SAYS".
HE'S EVEN GONNA GET PAID FOR IT.
OH, HOW WONDERFUL.
I ONLY HOPE HARPER
WILL BE THERE.
DID YOU EVER FIND HIS ADDRESS?
SURE. I SENT HIM A
FANCY INVITATION.
AND DAN TALL SAYS HE'S GOING
TO PERSONALLY ESCORT HIM THERE.
COME ON, WE BETTER
HURRY OR WE WON'T MAKE IT.
THESE HAVE GOT TO
SPARKLE, MY FRIEND.
TONIGHT, LAZARRO WILL BE HOST
TO SOME VERY IMPORTANT PEOPLE.
HERE.
THIS BANQUET IS FOR
A VERY IMPORTANT MAN.
SOMEDAY...
SOMEDAY THEY'RE GOING TO
GIVE A BANQUET FOR ME, TOO.
JUST LIKE THIS ONE.
WITH SPEECHES AND TELEGRAMS.
AND WHEN THAT DAY COMES,
I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE
YOU SIT AT MY TABLE.
OH, SURE, SURE.
WASH THEM GOOD, OLD MAN.
THEY GOT TO SPARKLE.
THEY GOT TO SPARKLE.
♪ ♪
OH, BOY!
♪ ♪
DAN WENT TO THE ADDRESS,
BUT THE LANDLADY SAID
HE MOVED OUT AND SHE DOESN'T
KNOW WHERE HE'S MOVED TO.
THE INVITATION WAS
STILL THERE, UNCLAIMED.
OH, WHAT DO WE DO NOW? I...
WHAT ARE WE WAITING
FOR? EVERYTHING IS READY.
WELL, OUR GUEST OF
HONOR ISN'T HERE YET.
I... I... I DON'T
KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
BUT HE'LL BE HERE, DON'T WORRY.
WELL, HOW LONG DID YOU
WANNA WAIT FOR THIS COOKIE?
I'M READY TO SERVE.
AFTER ALL, I'M GONNA TO LOSE
EVERYTHING TONIGHT, AS IT IS.
I HIRED A LOT OF PEOPLE,
AND WHAT EFFORT, NOTHING.
OH, THIS IS TOO MUCH!
OH, LAZARRO, YOU
CAN START SERVING.
OUR GUEST IS... IS ALMOST HERE.
WELL... UH, LOOK,
TAKE YOUR PLACES,
AND AS SOON AS EAMES
COMES IN, START APPLAUDING.
BUT... NOW, HURRY, GO ON. HURRY.
MR. LAZARRO, WAIT.
UH, YOU HAVE AN OLD MAN IN
THE KITCHEN WASHING DISHES.
YEAH. I WANT YOU TO FIRE HIM.
WHAT? FIRE HIM.
MAKE HIM TAKE OFF HIS APRON
AND SEND HIM OUT IN
FRONT OF THE RESTAURANT.
YOU CRAZY? PROBABLY.
I DON'T WANT HIM TO EVER KNOW
THAT I EVER SAW
HIM WASHING DISHES.
NOW, I'LL GET YOU ANOTHER
DISHWASHER OR-OR DO THEM MYSELF.
JUST DON'T ASK
QUESTIONS. GO ON AND DO IT.
I GAVE ONLY ONE
LITTLE DOOR PRIZE,
AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENS.
[canned laughter] [sighs]
WELL, WHAT DID FATHER
MEAN, "HE'S ALMOST HERE"?
I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST DON'T KNOW.
THERE HE IS! THERE HE IS!
[applause]
♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪
♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪
♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪
♪ WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY ♪
Narrator: ROBERT YOUNG...
AND JANE WYATT...
[laughter]
WITH ELINOR DONAHUE, BILLY
GRAY, AND LAUREN CHAPIN
IN FATHER KNOWS BEST.
HEY, MOM!
MOM, GUESS WHAT?
YOU... YOU ARE A WINNER.
AN E-FLAT, GOLD-PLATED,
SOUPED-UP WINNER!
I AM. A WINNER OF WHAT?
"A WINNER OF WHAT," SHE SAYS.
MOM, DON'T YOU REMEMBER THE
CHANCE I SOLD YOU FOR A BOOK,
WHEN WE'RE RAISING
MONEY FOR THE [PH] HIGH Y,
AND... AND THE MERCHANTS
PUT UP THE PRIZES AND ALL THAT?
OH, YES, THAT.
YES, THAT. AND TODAY,
WE HAD THE DRAWING.
AND YOU, OH, LITTLE
GRAY-HAIRED MOTHER OF MINE,
YOU ARE A BIG, FAT WINNER.
YOU MEAN, I ACTUALLY
WON THAT TELEVISION SET?
NO, THAT WAS FIRST PRIZE. OH.
WELL, WHAT WAS SECOND PRIZE?
SECOND PRIZE WAS
A HICKORY-SMOKED,
SUGAR-BAKED VIRGINIA HAM.
OH, REALLY?
BUT YOU DIDN'T WIN THAT EITHER.
YOU WON 13th PRIZE.
THIRTEENTH?
AND HERE'S THE LITTLE
BEAUTY RIGHT HERE.
A SPAGHETTI FEED FOR ONE
AT LAZARRO'S PIZZA HOUSE.
PRETTY COOL, HUH, MOM?
DOWNRIGHT FREEZING.
AND LOOK, NOT JUST
ONCE CAN YOU GO THERE,
BUT EVERY WEEK, SEE?
FIFTY-TWO FREE FEEDS.
HOW ABOUT THAT?
I GUESS YOU'RE JUST
LUCKY, HUH, MOM?
I GUESS SO.
WELL, I'M GONNA CALL DAD
AND TELL HIM THE GOOD NEWS.
OH, NO! DON'T GO BOTHERING
YOUR FATHER AT THE OFFICE.
OH, LISTEN, HE'LL BE GLAD TO BE
BOTHERED WITH NEWS LIKE THIS.
JUST THINK HOW COMFORTING
IT WILL BE TO KNOW THAT,
EVEN IF HE GOES BROKE,
HIS LITTLE WIFE CAN EAT FREE
SPAGHETTI FOR THE NEXT 52 WEEKS.
[canned laughter]
[sighs]
♪ ♪
ALL RIGHT, MR. EAMES,
IF YOU'LL JUST SIGN THIS LOAN
AGREEMENT ON THE SECOND...
WELL, I GUESS YOU
KNOW WHERE TO SIGN IT.
[phone rings] EXCUSE ME.
YES?
OH, I HAVEN'T TIME
TO TALK TO BUD NOW.
OH, ALL RIGHT, PUT HIM ON.
OH, PEN, MR. EAMES?
OH, THANK YOU.
NOW WHAT IS IT, BUD?
SHE WON WHAT?
EVERY WEEK?
[laughs]
I'M SURE THIS IS SOMETHING
SHE'S BEEN LIVING FOR.
OH, NO. NO.
I THINK IT'S GREAT, AND I
CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH
FOR RUSHING THIS BIG NEWS TO ME.
I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT.
BU...
BU...
BUD...
I'M BUSY. I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT.
YEAH, GOODBYE.
[chuckles]
I BELIEVE EVERYTHING
IS IN ORDER, JIM.
YOU'LL FILL IN THE
NUMBER OF MY POLICY.
YES, CERTAINLY, MR. EAMES.
WE'LL TAKE CARE OF THAT.
HERE YOU ARE.
FINE.
WELL, IT LOOKS AS IF MY BOOK
WILL BE GOING TO THE
PUBLISHER SOON, JIM.
OH? THEY KEEP
HOUNDING ME FOR IT,
BUT I TELL THEM THAT LITERATURE
ISN'T WRITTEN TO
A TIME CLOCK, JIM.
NO, I GUESS NOT.
WELL, ANY TIME WE CAN BE
OF SERVICE TO YOU, MR. EAMES,
JUST LET US KNOW.
OH, THANK YOU, JIM.
OH, UH, BY THE WAY,
THEY'RE GOING TO GET UP
A LITTLE BANQUET FOR ME.
LOOKS AS IF THEY'RE GOING
TO HONOR THE OLD SCRIBBLER.
AND I THOUGHT I'D LIKE TO HAVE
YOU TO BE MY GUEST THAT NIGHT.
WELL, I'D BE HONORED,
MR. EAMES. THANK YOU.
WELL, NOW, I'LL
LET YOU KNOW, JIM.
UH, I'LL LET YOU KNOW. YEAH.
DO YOU HAVE TIME TO LOOK
THESE OVER AND SIGN THEM?
OH, OKAY.
I SEE MR. HARPER EAMES,
FAMOUS AUTHOR, FINALLY LEFT.
UH-HUH.
IT'S NONE OF MY
BUSINESS, MR. ANDERSON,
BUT HOW MUCH LONGER
ARE YOU GOING TO KEEP
ON FINANCING THAT OLD...
OH, WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND IS,
HOW HE HAS THE NERVE
TO KEEP ON COMING IN HERE,
PRETENDING TO BORROW
MONEY ON AN INSURANCE POLICY
THAT LAPSED 16 YEARS AGO?
DON'T BE TOO HARD
ON OL' HARPER EAMES,
HE'S NOT A BAD SORT.
HE NEVER COULD BRING HIMSELF
TO COME IN HERE AND SAY,
"LOOK, I'M BROKE AND
HUNGRY. I NEED SOME MONEY."
THIS WAY, IT, UH,
KEEPS HIS DIGNITY.
IN HIS MIND, IT
KEEPS HIM HONEST.
HONEST.
WELL, IF HE DOESN'T DO
ANY HARM WITH HIS ILLUSIONS,
IF HE DIDN'T BELIEVE
THAT HIS BOOK,
WHICH HE'S BEEN
WRITING FOR 30 YEARS,
WOULD SOMEDAY BE PUBLISHED,
AND THAT THIS TOWN WOULD
ALSO HONOR HIM WITH A BANQUET,
WHAT ELSE WOULD HE HAVE?
OH, THIS THING, IT'S
ALWAYS OUT OF INK.
WHAT DID I DO WITH MY PEN?
OH, PROBABLY MR. EAMES STOLE IT.
OH, HE WOULDN'T
DO A THING LIKE...
BY GEORGE, HE DID BORROW IT.
BUT HE DIDN'T STEAL IT.
[chuckles] AND YOU WERE SUPPOSED
TO GO DOWN THERE
EVERY WEEK [door opens]
AND EAT SPAGHETTI? [door closes]
OH, WHY WOULD THEY EVER
HAVE A DOOR PRIZE LIKE THAT?
WELL, WHO ARE YOU
PLANNING TO POISON?
[canned laughter] BUNCH OF BUMS!
KATHY, SUCH LANGUAGE.
WELL, THEY ARE.
HOW OLD DO YOU HAVE TO BE
BEFORE YOU CAN QUIT SCHOOL?
QUIT SCHOOL?
OR TRANSFER?
I'M NOT GOING BACK TO
MY SCHOOL, I KNOW THAT.
WELL, WHY NOT?
THEY LAUGHED AT ME. LOOK!
OH! WELL, HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
I DON'T KNOW!
ALLS I KNOW, I WAS GOING
UP TO THE FRONT BLACKBOARD
TO WORK AN ARITHMETIC PROBLEM,
AND ALL THE KIDS
STARTED TO LAUGH.
OH, WELL.
THEN I GOT SO EMBARRASSED, I
COULDN'T WORK THE PROBLEM.
SO I STARTED TO
RUN BACK TO MY SEAT.
AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT I DID?
I TRIPPED OVER MY OWN STUPID
FEET, FELL FLAT ON THE FLOOR.
BOY, YOU SHOULD'VE HEARD
'EM LAUGH THEN, THEY SCREAMED.
I CAN'T EVER GO BACK THERE.
OH, NOW, GO UPSTAIRS
AND CHANGE YOUR DRESS.
AND BY TOMORROW MORNING,
THEY'LL HAVE
FORGOTTEN EVERYTHING.
NO, THEY WON'T.
OH, I WISH I COULD DO
SOMETHING TO SHOW 'EM.
MAKE 'EM SORRY THEY
EVER LAUGHED AT ME.
[phone rings]
HELLO?
OH, NO, MS. THOMAS,
HE'S NOT HOME YET.
YES, I'LL TELL HIM.
WHAT?
NO! [clicks tongue]
HIS PEN, TOO?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO ABOUT THAT,
IT'S BEEN GOING ON
FOR SO LONG NOW.
AH, ALL RIGHT, [door opens]
I'LL GIVE HIM THE OTHER
MESSAGE. GOODBYE.
HELLO, FATHER. [door closes]
HELLO, PRINCESS.
HELLO, HONEY!
WELL, HOW MUCH DID HE
GET OUT OF YOU THIS TIME?
HOW MUCH DID WHO?
YOU KNOW WHO,
THAT FAMOUS AUTHOR WHO
STOLE YOUR FOUNTAIN PEN.
HE DIDN'T STEAL IT. AND
HOW DID YOU KNOW ALL THIS?
WELL, MS. THOMAS JUST PHONED
TO TELL YOU THAT [PH] BEN TRITES
OF THE CHICAGO OFFICE CALLED YOU
AND HE'LL TRY YOU
AGAIN HERE AT THE HOUSE.
OH, OKAY.
JIM. HMM?
I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT
HARPER, BUT DON'T YOU THINK...
HONEY, WE'VE OVER
ALL THIS BEFORE.
AS LONG AS YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL,
THERE'S NOTHING MORE TO BE SAID.
WHAT'S THIS HOLD HARPER
EAMES HAS ON FATHER?
OH, IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO
WITH MR. EAMES BEING ONE
OF HIS HIGH SCHOOL TEACHERS.
I'VE NEVER BEEN QUITE SURE.
A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER?
UH-HMM.
UNTIL ONE DAY, HE
WROTE A LITTLE PIECE
AND SOLD IT TO SOME
SECOND-RATE MAGAZINE.
THAT WAS HIS UNDOING.
HE QUIT TEACHING,
BECAME A WRITER,
AND NEVER SOLD
ANOTHER THING SINCE.
[phone rings] [canned laughter]
HELLO?
HELLO?
OH, YES, HE'S HERE,
HOLD ON A MINUTE.
JIM! HMM?
[canned laughter] OH,
THE CHICAGO CALL.
[doorbell dings] OH, OKAY.
I'LL GET IT!
EXCUSE ME, YOUNG LADY,
IS YOUR FATHER AT HOME?
I'D LIKE TO SEE HIM
FOR A MOMENT IF I MAY.
SURE, COME IN.
THANK YOU.
DADDY, DADDY! COME HERE.
HE'S ON THE PHONE,
LONG DISTANCE.
HE'LL BE THERE IN A MINUTE.
HE'LL BE HERE IN A MINUTE.
WON'T YOU SIT DOWN
OR... OR SOMETHING?
[canned laughter]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
[classical music]
♪ ♪
WHO ARE YOU?
[canned laughter] WHO AM I?
I'M A FRIEND OF YOUR DADDY'S.
HAVEN'T YOU GOT A NAME?
OH, YES, YES.
HARPER EAMES, AUTHOR.
AUTHOR?
A... A... A REAL, LIVE AUTHOR?
THAT'S RIGHT. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
KATHY.
GEE...
A FAMOUS AUTHOR.
HOW COME MY DADDY
KNOWS A FAMOUS AUTHOR?
YOUR DADDY IS A WONDERFUL,
REMARKABLE MAN, THAT'S WHY.
OH!
WHAT KIND OF
STORIES DO YOU WRITE?
FOR CHILDREN?
FOR CHILDREN,
FOR ALL OF MANKIND.
MY BOOK IS THE
WHOLE STORY, KATHY,
AND IT'S ALL RIGHT
THERE. [taps briefcase]
THE RISE OF MAN,
THE FAILURE OF MAN,
THE HOPE OF MAN.
IT'S THE WHOLE STORY,
THE STORY THAT'S BEING
WRITTEN EVERY DAY,
AND IT WAS STARTED A
THOUSAND YEARS AGO.
SAY, YOU'RE OLDER THAN YOU LOOK.
THEY'RE GOING TO GIVE
ME A BANQUET, KATHY.
A FINE BANQUET WITH
FLOWERS ON THE TABLE,
AND ALL THE IMPORTANT
PEOPLE WILL BE THERE.
THEY WILL? A FINE BANQUET
AND THEY'LL MAKE
SPEECHES ABOUT MY WRITINGS,
AND TELEGRAMS WILL COME IN.
GEE, I WISH I COULD GO
TO SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
WELL, YOU CAN, KATHY.
I WANT YOU TO BE THERE.
YOU JUST SIT RIGHT
UP THERE BESIDE ME.
[gasping] YOU... YOU...
YOU REALLY MEAN IT?
YOU'LL BE MY GUEST, HELP
ME OPEN THE TELEGRAMS.
OH, BOY, OH, THANK YOU.
YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT THIS DOES FOR ME.
BOY, THIS WILL SHOW
THOSE LITTLE SMART ALECKS!
WE'LL SEE WHO'S
LAUGHING AT WHO NOW!
EXCUSE ME, I GOTTA RUN
OUT AND TELL PATTY DAVIS.
[canned laughter]
[door slams] KATHY, WHAT
DID YOU WANT ME FOR...
WELL, MR. EAMES.
SORRY TO BOTHER YOU, JIM.
BUT I DISCOVERED WE HAD A
LITTLE UNFINISHED BUSINESS.
UNFINISHED BUSINESS?
AFTER I LEFT YOUR OFFICE,
I DISCOVERED I
STILL HAD YOUR PEN.
OH!
OH, YES.
UH, I DIDN'T EVEN
KNOW IT WAS GONE.
[canned laughter]
THANKS, MR. EAMES.
I WENT BACK TO YOUR
OFFICE, BUT YOU'D LEFT.
SO, YOU WALKED ALL
THE WAY OUT HERE.
THAT'S QUITE A LONG WAY
OUT OF YOUR WAY, ISN'T IT?
OH, NO.
I... I GO MANY WAYS, AND I
HAVE THE TIME TO GO PLACES,
AND THE LEGS TO CARRY ME THERE.
WELL, GOOD NIGHT, JIM.
GOOD NIGHT, MR. EAMES.
OH, AND, UH... THANK YOU.
[dramatic music]
DID I HEAR YOU TALKING
TO SOMEONE, DEAR?
YES, MR. HARPER EAMES.
EAMES?
HERE?
[smirks] WHAT'S THE MATTER?
DIDN'T HE GET ENOUGH FROM
YOU AT THE OFFICE TODAY?
I KNOW VERY FEW PEOPLE
WHO WOULD TAKE THE TROUBLE
TO WALK CLEAR ACROSS TOWN
JUST TO RETURN A LITTLE PEN.
VERY FEW.
[door slams]
BOY, YOU SHOULD HAVE
SEEN PATTY WHEN I TOLD HER.
HER OLD EYES BUGGED OUT.
AT FIRST, SHE WOULDN'T BELIEVE
THAT I WAS GOING
TO THIS BANQUET.
BANQUET?
OH, WHAT BANQUET?
THE BANQUET THEY'RE GIVING
FOR THE FAMOUS AUTHOR,
DADDY'S FRIEND.
AND HE EVEN INVITED
ME TO BE HIS GUEST.
OH, NO.
BOY, THIS IS THE GREATEST
THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
JUST WHEN I NEEDED IT, TOO.
HEY, BETTY, BETTY!
GUESS WHAT?
YOU COULD FORGIVE
A MAN A LOT OF THINGS,
BUT NOT FOR LYING TO A CHILD.
NO.
BUT WE HAVE TO REMEMBER
THAT IN HIS MIND, HE'S NOT LYING.
IT ALL ADDS UP THE SAME THING.
THERE'S NOT GOING
TO BE A BANQUET.
THERE NEVER WAS AND
THERE NEVER WILL BE.
HE BELIEVES THERE WILL BE.
HOW CAN HE ACTUALLY?
WELL, HE'S DREAMED OF IT
AND WANTED IT FOR SO LONG,
THAT IT'S FINALLY
BECOME A REALITY TO HIM.
WHO KNOWS? [chuckles]
MAYBE BELIEVING CAN
MAKE AN ILLUSION A REALITY.
FOR HIM MAYBE, BUT
WHAT ABOUT KATHY?
SHE BELIEVES, TOO.
FOR HER, THERE'S NOTHING
BUT DISAPPOINTMENT.
WHAT ABOUT KATHY?
WHAT SHE'S BEEN GOOFING UP NOW?
[canned laughter] OH, NOTHING.
BUD, WHY DON'T YOU
GO BURN THE TRASH?
YOU'VE BEEN
NEGLECTING IT LATELY.
OKAY, BUT WHAT KATHY'S BEEN...
GO BURN THE TRASH.
OKAY, OKAY.
YOU KNOW, IF I WASN'T SO
LOVABLE, WITTY AND POPULAR,
I'D THINK YOU WERE
TRYING TO GET RID OF ME.
[canned laughter]
HEY, MOM, MOM, LOOK HERE.
YOUR FREE SPAGHETTI TICKET
GOT THROWN IN THE WASTE BASKET.
IT'S ALL CRUMPLED UP.
HOW DO YOU SUPPOSE
THAT HAPPENED?
OH, IT MUST HAVE
BEEN AN ACCIDENT.
GEE, A LUCKY THING I
HAPPEN TO SEE IT, HUH, MOM?
VERY LUCKY.
YOU KNOW, IF I
HAVEN'T HAD SEEN IT,
YOU WOULDN'T GOTTEN TO
GO TO LAZARRO'S PIZZA HOUSE
EVERY WEEK FOR...
BUD, GO BURN THE TRASH.
OKAY, OKAY, I'LL GO.
[sighs]
HE WOULD HAVE TO FIND THAT.
I CAN JUST SEE
MOTHER AT LAZARRO'S,
BIG BIB AROUND HER NECK,
TWIRLING SPAGHETTI ON A FORK.
[canned laughter]
[sobbing]
DARN THOSE SMART ALECKS.
THEY'RE JUST
JEALOUS, THAT'S WHAT.
IT ISN'T TRUE, IS IT?
HE'S NOT JUST A
CRAZY OLD MAN, IS HE?
WHO SAID THAT?
OH, TOMMY AND LESLIE.
THEY SAID NOBODY WOULD
EVER GIVE HIM A BANQUET.
THEY JUST KEPT SHOUTING
THAT STUPID OLD POEM.
WHAT POEM?
EAMES, EAMES, FULL OF BEANS.
LIVES ON MUSHROOM, EMPTY DREAMS.
THEY JUST MADE
THAT UP, DIDN'T THEY?
THEY JUST MADE IT UP.
THEY'RE JEALOUS.
KATHY, LISTEN...
THERE WILL BE A BANQUET.
I KNOW IT, BECAUSE HE TOLD
ME, AND HE WOULDN'T LIE.
GROWNUPS DON'T LIE.
DO THEY?
WELL, NOT REALLY.
ESPECIALLY FAMOUS
AUTHORS, I KNOW THEY DON'T LIE.
DARN KIDS, THEY'RE JUST JEALOUS.
THIS ISN'T GOING TO BE EASY.
POOR KID, TOO BAD THERE
REALLY ISN'T A BANQUET.
YES, WHAT A WORLD OF
THINGS THAT WOULD SOLVE.
NOW WHAT A NIGHT THAT
WOULD BE FOR OLD HARPER.
THE CULMINATION
OF A LIFELONG DREAM.
ALL RIGHT, THERE'S NO BANQUET,
SO LET'S TALK SENSE.
HOW CAN WE TELL HER THE TRUTH
WITHOUT HURTING HER MORE
THAN SHE ALREADY HAS BEEN?
I WONDER WHAT A
BANQUET WOULD COST.
OH, JIM, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
THINK HOW MUCH OLD
HARPER'S ALREADY COST YOU.
[chuckles]
IN FACT, THAT'S THE CAUSE
OF THIS WHOLE THING.
HMM?
WELL, IF YOU HADN'T KEPT
HIM GOING ALL THESE YEARS,
HE WOULD HAVE
GOTTEN A DECENT JOB,
AND STEPPED OUT OF
HIS WORLD OF ILLUSION.
YES, I GUESS SO,
BUT THAT WOULD HAVE
BEEN NO LIFE FOR HIM.
BESIDES, CONSIDERING
WHAT HE MEANT TO ME,
I COULDN'T LET HIM DOWN.
WELL, EXACTLY WHAT
DOES HE MEAN TO YOU?
I'VE OFTEN WONDERED.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
WHEN I WAS A KID IN HIS CLASS,
HE TRIED TO MAKE ME UNDERSTAND
WHAT THE TRUE
VALUES OF LIFE WERE.
I REMEMBER THE
LAST COUPLE OF LINES
OF A LITTLE POEM HE TAUGHT ME,
"OF ALL BEST THINGS
UPON EARTH I HOLD,
THAT A FAITHFUL
FRIEND IS THE BEST."
IT'S A FAR CRY FROM "EAMES,
EAMES, FULL OF BEANS."
AND I THINK IT'S BEEN
A FAIRLY ONE-SIDED
FRIENDSHIP, TOO.
NO, IT HASN'T.
I REMEMBER DAYS IN COLLEGE
WHEN I SWORE THAT
I COULDN'T MAKE IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT KEPT ME GOING?
THINGS THAT OLD
HARPER TAUGHT ME.
WHEN I OPENED THE
INSURANCE OFFICE,
THERE WERE SOME
PRETTY BLACK DAYS.
BUT THERE WERE THINGS
THAT HARPER HANDED ON TO ME
THAT HELPED ME
KEEP ON STRUGGLING.
[chuckles] AFTER
ALL THESE YEARS,
I'M SEEING HARPER
FOR THE FIRST TIME.
[chuckles]
BUT THAT DOESN'T
HELP US WITH KATHY.
WELL, THE BEST ANSWER
IS STILL A BANQUET,
BUT WHO COULD AFFORD
ANYTHING LIKE THAT?
WHAT'S THE MATTER, MOTHER? HMM?
OH, IT'S PROBABLY NOTHING,
JUST A CRAZY IDEA.
WHAT IS?
OH, IT PROBABLY
WOULDN'T EVEN WORK.
WHAT WOULDN'T?
WHAT'S YOUR CRAZY IDEA?
WELL, I'LL LET YOU
KNOW TOMORROW.
I... I HAVE TO FIND OUT FIRST.
RIGHT NOW, WE NEED
SOMETHING TO EAT.
[sighs]
UH, EXCUSE ME.
I AM... I'M LOOKING FOR
MISTER, UM, LAZARRO?
YOU GOT HIM.
OH! WELL...
IF YOU'LL PARDON ME, I
CAN TELL YOU SOMETHING
HOW WE CAN SAVE BOTH
A LOT OF CONVERSATION.
I HIRE ONLY MEN
WAITERS. [canned laughter]
OH, WELL. [chuckles]
WELL I... I DIDN'T COME
LOOKING FOR A JOB.
UH, I WON THIS,
THE WINNING TICKET.
OH. OH!
FOR THE HIGH Y BOYS, SURE.
AND YOU'RE THE WINNER.
AH, BIENVENIDO,
BIENVENIDO. CONGRATULATION.
LAZARRO PIZZA HOUSE IS HONORED
TO HAVE SUCH A FINE PATRON.
BUT YOU'RE MUCH TOO
EARLY, MUCH TOO EARLY.
YOU... YOU SEE, WE DON'T
START SERVING UNTIL 5:30.
AND I HAVEN'T GOTTEN
MY MENU TYPED UP YET.
OH, WELL.
I DON'T WANT TO EAT NOW.
I'M... I'M JUST HERE TO, UH...
WELL, TO, UH, MAKE
THE ARRANGEMENTS.
ARRANGEMENT?
OH, SURE, THE
ARRANGEMENT. [sighs]
HEY, YOU JUST SIT RIGHT HERE.
UNO MENTO.
YEAH, YOU SIT RIGHT
HERE, MISS, UH, MISS...
UH, MRS. ANDERSON.
AH, MRS. ANDERSON. YES.
SURE, WE MAKE THE
ARRANGEMENT RIGHT NOW.
WHAT KIND OF ARRANGEMENT
ARE WE GONNA MAKE?
[canned laughter]
THE TICKET SAYS
YOU GET SPAGHETTI.
SO YOU GET SPAGHETTI, THE BEST!
NOW, WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
TONIGHT? NO.
UH, HOW ABOUT, UM,
NEXT FRIDAY NIGHT?
FRIDAY?
NEXT FRIDAY.
OH, OKAY.
FRIDAY'S ALL RIGHT. OH, GOOD.
NOW, UH, TELL ME, MR. LAZARRO,
HOW MANY PEOPLE
CAN YOU SERVE HERE?
UH, AT ONE TIME, I MEAN.
OH, 45.
FIFTY IF WE SQUEEZE A LITTLE.
OH, THAT'S FINE.
UH, NOW I'LL TELL
YOU WHAT I'D LIKE.
I'D LIKE TO HAVE ALL MY 52
FREE DINNERS THIS FRIDAY NIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, SURE.
[canned laughter]
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
ALL 52 IN ONE NIGHT?
YES, IT'S GOING TO BE
SORT OF A BANQUET.
NO.
NO.
NO, YOU GOT THE WRONG IDEA.
[canned laughter]
ONE A WEEK, THAT'S IT.
ONE A WEEK.
WELL, IT DOESN'T SAY THAT.
READ IT.
IT JUST SAYS 52
FREE SPAGHETTI FEES.
WELL, THIS IS...
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT IT
MEANS ONE A WEEK, NOT ALL IN ONE.
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?
BANKRUPT ME?
[canned laughter]
WHY, DON'T YOU LIKE ME?
[canned laughter]
WHY?
NOW, DON'T LOOK SO GLUM.
YOU MAY BE BEING HOST TO
SOME VERY IMPORTANT PEOPLE.
IMPORTANT PEOPLE.
THAT MAKES GOING BROKE BETTER?
OH, YOU WON'T.
BESIDES, YOU COULDN'T
BUY THIS KIND OF PUBLICITY
FOR 200 SPAGHETTI DINNERS.
GOODBYE, MR. LAZARRO.
THANK YOU.
YOU'VE BEEN VERY SWEET.
OH.
[canned laughter]
MR. LAZARRO, YOU'RE VERY
SWEET AND VERY STUPID.
[door closes] [canned laughter]
NOW, YOU GOT TO PUT
ON SOME EXTRA HELP
JUST TO GIVE AWAY
FREE SPAGHETTI!
[canned laughter]
NOW, STOP LAUGHING.
IT WASN'T EASY, AND I
WAS SCARED TO DEATH.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
YOU ACTUALLY WENT DOWN...
YES, YES, I DID IT.
[laughs] NOW, STOP
LOOKING SO AMAZED.
WELL, THIS IS THE DAY
MOMMA STRIKES BACK.
OH. [laughs]
WHAT A CRAZY LITTLE MOMMA, HUH?
YEAH.
LAZARRO MUST HAVE
DIED WHEN YOU ASKED HIM.
WELL, HE MOANED AS
THOUGH I STABBED HIM
WITH A SPAGHETTI FORK.
NOW, LISTEN,
KATHY MUST NEVER KNOW HOW
THIS BANQUET WAS ARRANGED.
AS FAR AS SHE KNOWS...
BY THE WAY, WHERE IS SHE?
WELL, I THINK UP IN HER ROOM.
I GUESS THE KIDS GAVE HER A
PRETTY BAD TIME AT SCHOOL TODAY.
KEPT RECITING THAT
POEM ABOUT EAMES, EAMES.
FULL OF BEANS, LIVES ON
MUSH AND COCKEYED DREAM.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
GO AROUND RECITING IT.
I WAS JUST... WELL, DON'T.
NOW, WHO DO WE
INVITE TO THE BANQUET?
IT SHOULDN'T BE HARD TO
GET PEOPLE TO A FREE DINNER.
NO, NO, WAIT A MINUTE.
NOW, BEFORE WE FILL UP A HOLE,
WE SHOULD INVITE SOME
VERY IMPORTANT PEOPLE.
THIS MUSTN'T LOOK LIKE
A JOKE TO MR. EAMES.
NO, THAT'S RIGHT.
I KNOW SOMEONE WHO
WOULD BE WONDERFUL.
DAN TALL, THE
COLUMNIST ON THE PAPER,
HE'D UNDERSTAND
THIS SORT OF THING,
AND HE'D GIVE OLD
HARPER A WRITE-UP
HE COULD TREASURE
FOR THE REST OF HIS DAYS.
SHH! HERE SHE COMES.
HELLO, KITTEN.
COME IN.
WE, UM, HAVE A LITTLE MATTER
WE WANNA DISCUSS WITH YOU.
MATTER?
YOU KNOW, THE BANQUET.
BANQUET?
YUP!
IT'S GONNA BE FRIDAY NIGHT.
THIS FRIDAY?
OH, BOY! [chuckles]
WHAT A BIG SURPRISE, HUH, KID?
SURPRISE?
IT'S NO SURPRISE.
I KNEW THERE WAS GONNA
BE A BANQUET ALL THE TIME.
'CAUSE HE TOLD ME.
SUCH BELIEF.
THIS IS PROBABLY THE
SAME REACTION WE'LL GET
WHEN WE TELL HARPER
ABOUT THE BANQUET.
HEY, I'D BETTER DO THAT,
IF I COULD JUST FIND
OUT WHERE HE LIVES.
YOU COULD LOOK HIM
UP IN THE PHONE BOOK.
PHONE BOOK? HAH!
PHONE COMPANY NEVER HEARD
OF HARPER EAMES, FAMOUS AUTHOR.
HE LIVES AROUND IN LITTLE ROOMS,
MOVING WHENEVER THE RENT IS DUE.
LET'S SEE, WHERE
WOULD I FIND HIM?
[comic music]
♪ ♪
FATHER, I JUST REALIZED,
WE FORGOT TO SEND HARPER
EAMES A LOT OF TELEGRAMS.
NO, I TOOK CARE OF THAT.
OH, HERE'S SOMETHING ELSE.
DAN TALL SAID HE'S FAMILIAR
WITH HARPER'S SO-CALLED BOOK.
I KNOW IT RAMBLES AROUND,
HAS A FEW GOOD THOUGHTS.
SO HE'S TALKED HIS NEWSPAPER
INTO RUNNING A LITTLE BOX
IN THE PAPER EVERY NIGHT
UNDER THE HEADING
"HARPER EAMES SAYS".
HE'S EVEN GONNA GET PAID FOR IT.
OH, HOW WONDERFUL.
I ONLY HOPE HARPER
WILL BE THERE.
DID YOU EVER FIND HIS ADDRESS?
SURE. I SENT HIM A
FANCY INVITATION.
AND DAN TALL SAYS HE'S GOING
TO PERSONALLY ESCORT HIM THERE.
COME ON, WE BETTER
HURRY OR WE WON'T MAKE IT.
THESE HAVE GOT TO
SPARKLE, MY FRIEND.
TONIGHT, LAZARRO WILL BE HOST
TO SOME VERY IMPORTANT PEOPLE.
HERE.
THIS BANQUET IS FOR
A VERY IMPORTANT MAN.
SOMEDAY...
SOMEDAY THEY'RE GOING TO
GIVE A BANQUET FOR ME, TOO.
JUST LIKE THIS ONE.
WITH SPEECHES AND TELEGRAMS.
AND WHEN THAT DAY COMES,
I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE
YOU SIT AT MY TABLE.
OH, SURE, SURE.
WASH THEM GOOD, OLD MAN.
THEY GOT TO SPARKLE.
THEY GOT TO SPARKLE.
♪ ♪
OH, BOY!
♪ ♪
DAN WENT TO THE ADDRESS,
BUT THE LANDLADY SAID
HE MOVED OUT AND SHE DOESN'T
KNOW WHERE HE'S MOVED TO.
THE INVITATION WAS
STILL THERE, UNCLAIMED.
OH, WHAT DO WE DO NOW? I...
WHAT ARE WE WAITING
FOR? EVERYTHING IS READY.
WELL, OUR GUEST OF
HONOR ISN'T HERE YET.
I... I... I DON'T
KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
BUT HE'LL BE HERE, DON'T WORRY.
WELL, HOW LONG DID YOU
WANNA WAIT FOR THIS COOKIE?
I'M READY TO SERVE.
AFTER ALL, I'M GONNA TO LOSE
EVERYTHING TONIGHT, AS IT IS.
I HIRED A LOT OF PEOPLE,
AND WHAT EFFORT, NOTHING.
OH, THIS IS TOO MUCH!
OH, LAZARRO, YOU
CAN START SERVING.
OUR GUEST IS... IS ALMOST HERE.
WELL... UH, LOOK,
TAKE YOUR PLACES,
AND AS SOON AS EAMES
COMES IN, START APPLAUDING.
BUT... NOW, HURRY, GO ON. HURRY.
MR. LAZARRO, WAIT.
UH, YOU HAVE AN OLD MAN IN
THE KITCHEN WASHING DISHES.
YEAH. I WANT YOU TO FIRE HIM.
WHAT? FIRE HIM.
MAKE HIM TAKE OFF HIS APRON
AND SEND HIM OUT IN
FRONT OF THE RESTAURANT.
YOU CRAZY? PROBABLY.
I DON'T WANT HIM TO EVER KNOW
THAT I EVER SAW
HIM WASHING DISHES.
NOW, I'LL GET YOU ANOTHER
DISHWASHER OR-OR DO THEM MYSELF.
JUST DON'T ASK
QUESTIONS. GO ON AND DO IT.
I GAVE ONLY ONE
LITTLE DOOR PRIZE,
AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENS.
[canned laughter] [sighs]
WELL, WHAT DID FATHER
MEAN, "HE'S ALMOST HERE"?
I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST DON'T KNOW.
THERE HE IS! THERE HE IS!
[applause]
♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪
♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪
♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪
♪ WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY ♪