Father Knows Best (1954–1960): Season 3, Episode 32 - Baby in the House - full transcript

[classical music]

♪ ♪

Narrator: ROBERT YOUNG...

AND JANE WYATT...

- [laughter]

- WITH ELINOR DONAHUE, BILLY
GRAY, AND LAUREN CHAPIN...

IN FATHER KNOWS BEST.

[comical music]

- HMM.

[humming]

UH-HMM. [grunts]



[canned laughter]

♪ ♪

HMM.

[canned laughter]

[sighs]

[clicks tongue]

[grunts]

- SO THIS IS WHY I CAN'T KEEP
FOOD IN THE REFRIGERATOR.

- NOT MUCH OF A CHOICE FOR
A LATE SNACK A COLD WIENER.

- OH, YOU'RE AS BAD
AS BUD. LOOK HERE.

THERE'S COTTAGE
CHEESE, PRUNES...

- WELL, I'LL STICK TO THIS.

- OH.
[canned laughter]

- I WONDER HOW MANY
THOUSAND MAN HOURS



THE AVERAGE PARENT SPENDS
WAITING UP FOR HIS CHILDREN.

- WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO WAIT UP FOR THEM.

IF YOU'RE TIRED, GO TO BED.

- IT'S AFTER 11.

BUD WENT TO THE FIRST SHOW,

HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN
HOME A HALF HOUR AGO.

- DEAR, THEY ALWAYS STAY TO
SEE THE CARTOON OVER AGAIN.

DON'T YOU REMEMBER?

[canned laughter]
- WHAT ABOUT BETTY?

MAYBE WE SHOULD
PHONE THE HARRIS'.

SHE SAID SHE'D BE HOME BY 11.

- WHY ARE YOU SO FIDGETY?

SO THE HARRIS' DIDN'T GET BACK

IN THE EXACT MINUTE
THEY SAID THEY WOULD.

GO TO BED AND STOP WORRYING.

SHE'S ONLY A HALF A BLOCK AWAY.

- WELL, BETTY DOESN'T
HAVE TO GO OUT BABYSITTING

TO EARN MONEY, SHE
HAS AN ALLOWANCE.

- DEAR, THE STAIRWAY
IS OVER THERE.

YOU JUST GO RIGHT UP

AND OUR BEDROOM IS
AT THE END OF THE HALL.

[canned laughter]

BED'S TURNED BACK,
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO...

- HI.
- WELL, HELLO, PRINCESS.

[chuckles]

OH!

- HOW ARE LES AND MILDRED?
- OH, THEY'RE FINE.

[chuckles]

LITTLE RICHIE DIDN'T
MAKE A SOUND ALL EVENING.

I HAVE SOMETHING
I WANNA ASK YOU.

- OH?

- UH, LES HAS TO GO TO FAIRVIEW
TOMORROW ON BUSINESS,

AND THEY WERE THINKING

HOW NICE IT WOULD BE IF
MILDRED COULD GO ALONG

AND MAKE SORT OF A
LITTLE TRIP OUT OF IT.

- GOOD IDEA.
- AND COME BACK ON SUNDAY.

- AND THEY WANT YOU
TO STAY WITH RICHIE?

- OH, THAT'S WHAT I SUGGESTED,

PROVIDING IT'S ALL
RIGHT WITH YOU.

- YOU MEAN THEY WANT YOU TO
BABYSIT FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND?

- WELL, FATHER, IT'S ONLY
FIVE DOORS DOWN THE STREET.

AND... AND IT WAS NOT
THEIR IDEA, IT WAS MINE.

- WELL, I DON'T THINK SO.

MUCH AS I'D LIKE TO SEE LES
AND MILDRED HAVE THE TRIP,

I DON'T LIKE THE IDEA OF
YOU STAYING ALL NIGHT

IN THEIR HOUSE ALONE.

- [sighs]

FATHER, THE MARCAMS ARE
RIGHT NEXT DOOR ON ONE SIDE

AND THE WILBURS ON THE OTHER.

I COULDN'T BE ANY SAFER
IF I WAS IN CITY HALL.

- I... I'D PREFER THAT
YOU DIDN'T DO IT, BETTY.

- MOTHER, THAT'S NOT VERY FAIR.

MILDRED HASN'T BEEN
OUT OF THE HOUSE HARDLY

SINCE RICHIE WAS BORN.

SHE'S DYING TO GO, AND
IF I CAN'T STAY WITH RICHIE,

THEN THE WHOLE THING'S RUINED.

- OH, WHY CAN'T THEY
GET SOMEONE ELSE

TO STAY WITH THE BABY?

THE TOWN IS FULL
OF BABY-SITTERS,

LITTLE ONES, BIG ONES,
FAT ONES, THIN ONES.

- BECAUSE, FATHER, RICHIE'S
NEVER STAYED WITH ANYONE ELSE.

HE KNOWS ME.

BESIDES THEY WOULDN'T
LEAVE HIM WITH A STRANGER

EVEN IF THEY COULD.

WELL, WOULD YOU HAVE
LEFT ME WITH A STRANGER

- WHEN I WAS A YEAR OLD?
- SURE.

WE'RE GONNA FIND A STRANGER
FOOLISH ENOUGH TO RISK IT.

[canned laughter]
- IT'S A SMALL JOKE.

EXCEEDINGLY SMALL.

[canned laughter]

- OH, I'M SORRY, PRINCESS.

LOOK, IF THE TRIP MEANS
SO MUCH TO LES AND MILDRED,

UH, WHY DON'T THEY LET
YOU BRING RICHIE OVER HERE?

- HEY, THAT WOULD SOLVE
EVERYTHING, WOULDN'T IT?

WOULD YOU MIND?

- OH, I DON'T MIND IF YOU'RE
GOING TO BE TAKING CARE OF HIM.

- DON'T MISUNDERSTAND ME.

HE'LL BE YOUR
RESPONSIBILITY ENTIRELY.

WE'RE NOT CUTTING IN
ON THIS BABYSITTING JOB.

LET'S HAVE THAT CLEARLY
UNDERSTOOD RIGHT NOW.

- I WON'T ASK YOU
TO LIFT A FINGER.

I TOLD MILDRED I'D CALL HER
RIGHT BACK AND LET HER KNOW.

- REMEMBER, NO UPSETTING
THE HOUSEHOLD ROUTINE EITHER.

YOUR MOTHER HAS ENOUGH TO
WORRY ABOUT WITH THREE CHILDREN!

- YES, FATHER.

HELLO, MILDRED, THIS IS BETTY.

[door clicks open]
IT'S ALL RIGHT.

OH, MY FATHER HAD
A BRILLIANT IDEA.

HE INSISTS THAT INSTEAD OF
ME STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE

WITH RICHIE THAT I
BRING RICHIE OVER HERE.

NO, HONESTLY, IT WAS HIS
SUGGESTION, AND MOTHER AGREES.

IT'S PERFECTLY ALL
RIGHT WITH BOTH OF THEM.

- SAY, WHAT GOES WITH HER?
- SHE'S BABYSITTING.

- WELL, YOU MEAN HERE?
HERE IN THIS HOUSE?

-[chuckles]

MILDRED IS SO HAPPY
AND SO GRATEFUL.

SHE SAID THEY'D DROP RICHIE OFF
ON THE WAY TOMORROW MORNING,

ABOUT 10:30.

- OH, IT'S BEEN SOMETIME SINCE
WE'VE HAD A BABY IN THE HOUSE.

- YEAH, ABOUT NINE YEARS

SINCE WE LEFT THE MILK IN
MUSH CIRCUIT WITH KATHY.

- ARE WE GONNA TAKE
CARE OF THE HARRIS' BABY?

- NO, MY BESTIAL FRIEND,

WE ARE NOT TAKING CARE
OF THE HARRIS' BABY, I AM.

- WELL, YEAH, BUT HE'S
GONNA BE IN THE HOUSE.

HOW LONG IS HE GONNA BE HERE?

- OVER THE WEEKEND.

AND DON'T LOOK SO FRIGHTENED,
BUD, HE WON'T HURT YOU.

- WELL WHAT ABOUT
TOMORROW NIGHT?

YOU SAID WE'D GO
TO THE AUTO SHOW.

- YOU CAN GO ANY PLACE YOU WANT.

YOU'RE NOT TAKING
CARE OF RICHIE.

- JUST RELAX, BUD.

- WELL, THIS COULD
FOUL UP OUR WHOLE LIFE.

WE'VE NEVER HAD ANY
BABIES AROUND HERE.

- OH, WE HAVEN'T?

- DO YOU THINK YOU
ARRIVED HERE FULL GROWN?

- WELL, THAT WAS
A LONG TIME AGO.

BESIDES, BRINGING A BABY
INTO THE HOUSE IS DANGEROUS.

CLAUDE WAS TELLING
ME WHEN THEY BROUGHT

HIS BABY BROTHER
HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL,

HIS DAD WENT OUT FOR
SOME ASPIRIN OR SOMETHING

AND DIDN'T COME
BACK FOR TWO WEEKS.

[canned laughter]

- I'M GOING TO BED.

- GOOD NIGHT.
- GOOD NIGHT.

- ARE YOU GONNA LET
HER GET AWAY WITH THIS?

- OH, RELAX, BUD.

WE'VE HAD BABIES IN
THE HOUSE BEFORE,

THREE OF THEM, INCLUDING YOU.

AND YOUR MOTHER AND
I HAVE COME THROUGH IT

WITHOUT ANY NOTICEABLE SCARS.

- IN FACT, THOSE WERE
SOME OF OUR HAPPIEST DAYS,

WHEN YOU CHILDREN WERE LITTLE.

- ARE YOU KIDDING?

SQUALLERING AND
HOLLERING ALL NIGHT LONG?

- BUD, BABIES DO NOT SQUALLER
AND HOLLER ALL NIGHT LONG

EXCEPT IN COMIC STRIPS.

- LITTLE RICHIE'S
A DARLING BABY.

- OH, KATHY WILL BE
IN SEVENTH HEAVEN.

- I THINK YOU REALLY
WANT THAT KID OVER HERE.

- WELL, IT WAS YOUR FATHER
WHO SUGGESTED THE IDEA.

- AND IT WILL BE FUN TO
HAVE THE LITTLE FELLOW

AROUND HERE FOR A DAY OR TWO.

IT'LL SEEM LIKE OLD TIMES.

- WHERE'S MY SLEEPING BAG?

- WELL, IN THE
BASEMENT, I THINK. WHY?

- TOMORROW MORNING WHEN
LITTLE FOGHORN ARRIVES,

I MAY MOVE TO THE GARAGE.

[canned laughter]

- [chuckles]

- OH!
[clicks tongue]

OH!

- FATHER, LOOK WHO'S HERE.
- HMM?

- WELL, RICHARD,
THE LION-HEARTED.

- MM-HMM.
- [chuckles]

I WAS JUST PREPARING THE
ROYAL HIGH CHAIR FOR YOU.

HOW ARE YA, BIG
GUY, HUH? [chuckles]

WHAT'S THE MATTER?
CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE?

- OH, FATHER, HE'S
ONLY A YEAR OLD.

GIVE HIM A CHANCE. HE
CAN SAY MOMMY AND DADDY.

- OH, THAT'S RIGHT, I FORGOT.

THEY DON'T START REALLY
TALKING UNTIL LATER.

[canned laughter]
- YES, FATHER.

LES AND MILDRED ARE
OUT IN THE FRONT HALL.

I BROUGHT RICH OUT HERE,
SO HE WOULDN'T SEE THEM GO.

- HUH?

- OH.
- MOMMY.

- GOOD IDEA. YEAH.

- MM-HMM. MOMMY.

- WELL, HAVE A GOOD TIME
AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT RICHIE.

- WELL, IT IS THE FIRST
TIME WE'VE EVER LEFT...

- HELLO, MILDRED.
- HELLO, JIM.

- HOW ARE YOU, LES?
- HI, JIM.

- GOOD TO SEE YOU.
[chuckles]

- I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW
MUCH WE APPRECIATE

YOUR HELPING OUT WITH THE BABY.

- OH, DON'T THANK
US. BETTY'S THE ONE.

SHE'S GOING TO BE DOING IT ALL.

MARGARET AND I ARE GOING TO
BE STRICTLY ON THE SIDELINES.

- [chuckles]

- WELL, IT WAS SO NICE OF
YOU TO LET HIM STAY, THOUGH.

IT'LL BE SO MUCH
EASIER FOR BETTY.

UH, WELL, I'LL BE HONEST.

I'LL FEEL EASIER
WITH HIM BEING HERE.

- WELL, YOU KNOW, WE'VE NEVER
LET HIM WITH ANYBODY BUT BETTY.

HE KNOWS HER.

WE JUST COULDN'T HAVE
LEFT HIM WITH ANYONE ELSE.

- OH.

- [chuckles] WE'D BETTER GO.

- YES.

- OH, UM... HERE'S
OUR PHONE NUMBER.

THAT'S... THAT'S WHERE
WE'LL BE IN FAIRVIEW.

NOW CALL ME IF THERE'S
ANY PROBLEM AT ALL.

- NOW DON'T
WORRY. HE'LL BE FINE.

- REMEMBER, WE'RE VETERANS,
OLD HANDS AT THE GAME.

- OH, UH, HIS CLOTHES
AND THINGS ARE IN THERE,

AND WE BROUGHT
SOME BLANKETS, TOO.

- OH, WELL I'M SURE

WE HAVE PLENTY OF
ANYTHING HE MIGHT NEED.

- NOW, BETTY HAS HIS
FEEDING SCHEDULE.

AND, UH... [sighs]

WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR
ME TO LEAVE THAT CHILD?

IT'S RIDICULOUS.

I FEEL LIKE A BROODY
OLD MOTHER HEN.

- [chuckles] THE FIRST
TIME IS THE HARDEST.

- UH, WE'RE NOT GOING VERY
FAR. IT... IT'S JUST A FEW MILES.

- COME ON, HONEY. THANKS AGAIN.

- WE'LL BE BACK TOMORROW
AFTERNOON, 5 O'CLOCK.

[laughs]

- GOODBYE.
- GOODBYE.

- GOODBYE.
- GOODBYE.

[door closes] GOODBYE.

- WELL...
- [laughs]

PARENTS WITH THEIR FIRSTBORN.

YOU'D THINK THAT KID WAS
SOME KIND OF A FRAGILE FLOWER.

HE'S AS TOUGH AS NAILS.

- [chuckles]
- MOMMY.

- WAIT'LL THEY'VE
HAD THREE OF THEM.

- [chuckles]
- [laughs]

- COAST CLEAR?
- YEAH.

- YES, THEY'RE ON THEIR WAY.

- OH, HERE, LET ME HOLD YOU.
- OH, HERE, GO TO MOMMY.

- OH.
- MOMMY.

- HI, FELLA.
- [laughter]

- OH, YOU CUTE,
LITTLE OL' PUMPKIN.

- DADDY, WHERE ARE YOU?

- IN THE FRONT HALLWAY, KITTEN.

OH, DID YOU TELL HER THEY
WERE BRINGING HIM OVER?

- NO, I THOUGHT I'D
SAVE IT AS A SURPRISE.

- HERE SHE COMES.

- AND LET'S PLAY A BIG FOUR.

- [laughter]

- WHERE DID HE COME FROM?
[canned laughter]

- KATHY, THIS IS
LITTLE RICHIE HARRIS.

YOU'VE SEEN HIM BEFORE.

- THE HARRIS' ARE
GOING ON A TRIP,

AND RICHIE'S SPENDING
THE WEEKEND WITH US.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

- OHH.

YOU WANNA HOLD HIM?

- NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

- OH, GO AHEAD, KITTEN.

YOU NEEDN'T BE AFRAID OF HIM.

- [chuckles] AND WE
BETTER GET HIM SETTLED.

IT'S ALMOST TIME FOR HIS NAP.

- NAP? AT 11 O'CLOCK
IN THE MORNING?

HE JUST GOT UP.
[canned laughter]

- FATHER, AT THIS AGE,

THEY TAKE A NAP BOTH
MORNING AND AFTERNOON.

- HERE, I'LL TAKE HIM UPSTAIRS.
- OH, NO, I'LL CARRY HIM.

- [laughs]

I DON'T BLAME YOU FOR
WANTING TO HOLD HIM.

HE'S THE ROUNDEST,
CUDDLIEST LITTLE THING.

- OH, HE'S A DOLL, BABY.

THAT'S WHAT HE IS.

- OOH, HE HAS TO HAVE HIS BATH

BEFORE WE PUT HIM
DOWN FOR HIS NAP.

- HE DOESN'T LOOK
VERY DIRTY TO ME.

[canned laughter]

- JIM, WILL YOU PLEASE
BRING KATHY'S CRIB UP

FROM THE BASEMENT?

- CRIB?
- FOR HIM TO SLEEP IN.

- CAN'T HE SLEEP IN THE BED?

- THE CRIB.
- ALL RIGHT.

[canned laughter]

IT'S GONNA BE QUITE
A JOB, YOU KNOW,

GETTING THAT THING UPSTAIRS,
SPRINGS AND MATTRESSES AND ALL.

WHOA. [canned laughter]

I NEED YOU RIGHT ABOUT
NOW, OL' MUSCLE MAN.

[canned laughter]

[canned laughter]

- WHY DO WE HAVE TO CARRY
THIS THING ALL THE WAY UPSTAIRS?

WHY COULDN'T WE JUST LET
HIM SLEEP ON IT IN THE BASEMENT?

[canned laughter]

- IN HERE.

JIM, YOU CAN'T PUT
IT UP IN BETTY'S ROOM.

- WHY NOT?

- WELL, THERE WOULDN'T
BE ROOM ENOUGH IN THERE.

- WELL, KATHY SLEPT ON
IT WHEN IT WAS IN THERE.

THE ROOM HASN'T
GOTTEN ANY SMALLER.

[canned laughter]
- NO, DEAR.

BUT BETTY'S FURNITURE
WASN'T IN THERE THEN.

IF YOU PUT THE CRIB IN THERE,

THERE WOULDN'T BE ROOM
ENOUGH TO TURN AROUND.

- ALL RIGHT.

JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU WANT IT.

- WELL, YOU'LL HAVE TO
PUT IT UP IN OUR ROOM.

- OH, BUT, HONEY...

[canned laughter]

OKAY, COME ON, BUD.

- I TOLD YOU, WE JUST SHOULD
HAVE LEFT IT IN THE BASEMENT.

[canned laughter]

- OH, CAREFUL, THE SOAP.

DON'T... DON'T
GET IT IN HIS EYES.

- I KNOW, MOTHER.

I'VE BATHED HIM
HUNDREDS OF TIMES.

- DOESN'T HE GOT LOVELY HAIR?

- [laughs]

ISN'T HE A DOLL?

DID FATHER PUT THE CRIB UP?

- WELL, THEY'RE WORKING ON IT.

- HELLO, DOLL.

- OH. OH.

- HEY, THAT'LL WORK.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

THERE.

- OW!
[canned laughter]

- HMM.

- A LITTLE LOW, DON'T YOU THINK?

- WELL, IT COMES UP, SEE?

- YEAH, I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN.

[canned laughter]

- IT'S STUCK.

OH, IT'S STUCK.

- DEAR, THE SIDE GOES
ON TOP OF THE BRACKET.

REMEMBER?

- OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
[canned laughter]

- DON'T YOU REMEMBER
HOW WE USED TO DO IT?

- YEAH, I DO NOW.

[squeaks] [canned laughter]

OH.

OH, HERE. LOOK OUT BELOW.

[canned laughter]

- I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU LET
BETTY BRING THAT KID OVER HERE.

A TOTAL STRANGER?

IT'S AN INVASION OF PRIVACY.

[canned laughter]

- NOW, WE'LL NEED ANOTHER
CRIB BLANKET AND, UH, OH, DEAR.

YOU BETTER CLOSE
THAT FRONT WINDOW.

WE DON'T WANT ANY DRAFTS.

- HONEY, LET'S TRY TO REMEMBER

THAT, UH, RICHIE IS BETTY'S
RESPONSIBILITY, NOT OURS.

- I KNOW, BUT WE HAVE TO PUT
THE CRIB HERE IN OUR ROOM.

WHY, THERE WAS NO OTHER PLACE.

- IT'S ALL RIGHT.

I'M NOT COMPLAINING.

[canned laughter]

I ONLY MEANT THAT WE, UH,
SHOULDN'T TRY TO TAKE OVER.

IT'S BETTY'S JOB.

- YES, DEAR.

I KNOW.

- WELL, HERE WE ARE.

WE HAD OUR BATH, AND
WE'RE READY FOR BED.

- [laughs]

- OOH, COULDN'T
YOU JUST EAT HIM UP?

- ISN'T HE THE CUTEST
LITTLE OL' PUMPKIN?

- MOMMY.

- WHAT DO YOU WANT, DEAR?

- I WANT A BATH, TOO.

- OH, NO.

- YOU WANT A BATH?

ONLY LITTLE BABIES HAVE
BATHS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY.

YOU'RE NOT A LITTLE
BABY ANYMORE.

YOU'RE A BIG GIRL.

NOW, GO ON FIND BUD.
SEE WHAT HE'S DOING.

- MOMMY, MOMMY.
[phone rings]

- I GOT IT.

HELLO?

HEY, NURSEMAID, IT'S FOR YOU.

- OH, HOLD HIM,
WILL YOU, FATHER?

- COME HERE.
- MOMMY.

- COME ON, RICHIE, ATTA BOY.
- MOMMY. [crying]

- OH, MOMMY'S GONE ON A TRIP.

- HELLO?

OH, HELLO, MARGE.

OH, I CAN'T.

I... I'D LOVE TO, BUT
I'M BABY-SITTING.

- WHAT DO YOU EAT? HUH?

- OH, IT'S, UH, SORT OF
A SPECIAL JOB TONIGHT,

AND I CAN'T SWITCH IT.

OH, I REALLY APPRECIATE
YOUR ASKING ME, MARGE,

BUT I... I JUST CAN'T.

THANKS LOADS.

SEE YOU MONDAY, BYE.

THAT WAS MARGE CORVETTE.

SHE AND HER FOLKS ARE GOING
TO THE CIVIC AUDITORIUM TONIGHT

TO SEE THE NATIONAL
THEATER GUILD PRODUCTION

OF ROMEO AND JULIET.

THEY HAD AN EXTRA TICKET
AND THEY WANTED ME TO GO.

- OH, WHAT A SHAME.

- OH, ISN'T IT JUST THE WAY?

THE ONE PLAY I'D LIKE TO SEE AND
THE ONE CHANCE I GET TO SEE IT.

- WELL, BETTY, THERE'S
REALLY NO REASON

WHY YOU SHOULDN'T GO.

- NO, FATHER, A
BARGAIN IS A BARGAIN.

- OH, BUT WE HAVEN'T PLANNED
TO GO OUT THIS EVENING,

AND RICHIE WILL BE IN BED
AND ASLEEP BY 8 O'CLOCK.

WHY SHOULD YOU SIT HERE WITH
YOUR FATHER AND ME ALL EVENING?

- DAD?

- GO ON, CALL MARGE BACK
AND TELL HER YOU CAN GO.

- OH, IT DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT.
- DAD?

- OH, LOOK, WE'VE
BABY-SAT BEFORE.

WE'RE EXPERTS. [chuckles]

YOU BETTER CALL MARGE BACK,

WHILE WE'RE STILL IN
A BENEVOLENT MOOD.

- [chuckles]
- DAD.

- OH, YOU'RE THE SWEETEST EVER.
- [laughs]

- I'LL PHONE MARGE
FROM DOWNSTAIRS.

- ALL RIGHT.
[chuckles]

- IS IT ALL RIGHT

FOR A LOWLY OLD COMMON
BROTHER TO TALK NOW?

[canned laughter]

SAY, IS BETTY GOING OUT TONIGHT?

- YES, WHY?

- WELL, YOU AND ME AND MOM ARE
GOING TO THE AUTO SHOW TONIGHT.

- WELL, BUD, WE'VE
TALKED ABOUT IT.

WE SAID MAYBE WE'D GO TONIGHT.

THE SHOW WILL BE
THERE FOR A WEEK.

WE'LL GO TOMORROW NIGHT.

- I KNEW THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN.

I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT.

- SHH, SHH, YOU'LL
WAKE UP RICHIE.

- NOW, I CAN'T EVEN
TALK IN MY OWN HOUSE.

[canned laughter]
- YOU KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENED?

WE'VE BEEN TAKEN OVER...

- SHH.
- BY THIS MONSTER.

[canned laughter]

- OH.

OH, KATHY, I CAN'T GET DINNER
WITH YOU UNDER MY FEET.

WHY DON'T YOU, UH, GO UP,

AND WATCH BETTY
GIVE RICHIE HIS BATH?

- I WATCHED HER GIVE HIM
ONE BATH ALREADY TODAY.

- WELL, THEN, GO
IN THE LIVING ROOM

AND TALK TO DADDY.

- WHY'D YOU LET BETTY
PUT THIS OVER ON YOU, DAD?

BRINGING RICHIE OVER HERE,

AND THEN DUMPING
HIM ON YOU AND MOM?

- SHE DIDN'T DUMP HIM ON US.

WE VOLUNTEERED.

ROMEO AND JULIET'S ONLY
PLAYING HERE ONE NIGHT.

THERE WAS NO REASON
WHY SHE SHOULD MISS IT,

ESPECIALLY SINCE WE CAN GO TO
THE AUTO SHOW TOMORROW NIGHT.

[canned laughter]

- YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?

I THINK YOU AND MOM
WANNA GET RID OF BETTY,

SO YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF RICHIE.

I THINK YOU ENJOY IT.

- OH NOW, THAT'S
A SILLY STATEMENT.

WHAT IS THERE TO ENJOY?

JUST SIT HERE AND THEN GO AND
TAKE A LOOK AT HIM OCCASIONALLY.

[canned laughter]
- OKAY, OKAY.

- WOW, WHAT HAVE WE HERE?

- FATHER?

- YES.

- WILL YOU ASK MOTHER
TO COME UPSTAIRS?

- WHAT IS IT, BETTY?

- THE CORVETTES WILL
BE HERE IN 15 MINUTES,

AND I'M NOT EVEN DRESSED.

CAN... CAN YOU COME UPSTAIRS
AND FINISH BATHING RICHIE?

- GREAT SCOTT, ARE YOU
BATHING THAT CHILD AGAIN?

HE'LL DISSOLVE.

- JIM, WILL YOU GO OUT AND
WATCH THE THINGS ON THE STOVE?

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- [screaming] OH!

- HUH?

- RIGHT, STANDING
THERE LETTING IT BURN.

- I DIDN'T SEE IT.

- WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR NOSE?

I WONDER WHAT IT WAS.

- OLD SHOESTRINGS?
[canned laughter]

- PROBABLY SPAGHETTI.

- YOU KNOW, IT'S
JUST LIKE I TOLD YOU.

EVERYTHING'S FOULED
UP AROUND HERE

SINCE THAT BABY
CAME. [water gushing]

- THE BABY HAD NOTHING TO DO

WITH BURNING THE
SPAGHETTI. [phone ringing]

ANSWER THAT.

- HELLO?

WHO? [metal clangs]

JUST A MINUTE. IT'S FOR MOM.

- WELL, GO UP AND TELL HER.

- WHERE IS SHE?

- BATHING THE BABY!

- AGAIN?
[canned laughter]

- GO.

- MOM!
[canned laughter]

- YES?

- YOU'RE WANTED ON THE PHONE.

- WHO IS IT?

- RICHIE'S MOTHER.

- OH, DEAR.

BUD, TELL YOUR FATHER TO
COME UP AND WATCH RICHIE.

I HAVE HIM IN THE BATH.

- DAD!
[canned laughter]

- YES?

- [shouting] MOM WANTS
YOU TO WATCH THE BABY!

[canned laughter]
HE'S TAKING A BATH.

- GO WATCH THE
THINGS ON THE STOVE.

- JIM!
- COMING.

- JUST LET HIM PLAY.
HE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

- HUH?
- [babbling]

- HI, SON. HUH?

- HELLO?

- HELLO, MARGARET.
THIS IS MILDRED.

YES, WE'RE IN FAIRVIEW.

IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

- OH, RICHIE'S
JUST FINE, MILDRED.

HE'S HAVING HIS BATH RIGHT NOW.

- HEY, DON'T PUT THAT IN
YOUR MOUTH. THAT'S SOAP.

OH. [bubbling]

MARGARET!

- BE THERE IN A MINUTE, DEAR.

YES, HE ATE A GOOD LUNCH

AND HE SLEPT FOR TWO
HOURS THIS AFTERNOON.

- WELL, I DO HOPE HE ISN'T
GIVING YOU ANY TROUBLE.

- OH, NONE AT ALL, MILDRED,
HE'S BEEN A LITTLE ANGEL.

OH, NO.

BUT, JIM TAKES TO HIM
LIKE A DUCK TO WATER.

- HERE, LET'S FIND THE DUCK.

COME ON. SEE. MAKE
THE DUCKY QUACK, QUACK.

WHOOP. QUACK,
QUACK, QUACK, QUACK.

HERE I GO. QUACK. QUACK.

[canned laughter]

TAKE IT EASY,
RICHIE. DON'T SPLASH.

OH, NO! NO, YOU MUSTN'T.

OH, DON'T PUT THE
TOWEL IN THE WATER.

WHAT AM I GONNA
DRY YOU OFF WITH?

[thuds]

OH, NO, RICHIE, YOU CAN'T
PUT THE RAZOR IN THE WATER.

NO, LET GO.

- I CAN'T GET HIM
AWAY FROM RICHARD.

- COME ON, RICHIE,
LET GO OF IT, WILL YOU?

MARGARET, COME HERE!

- FATHER, STOP TEASING RICHIE.

- RICHIE, LET GO, WILL YOU?

[canned laughter]

IT'S A SCREW THAT
LOCKED. MARGARET!

- I HAVE TO GO
MILDRED, JIM'S CALLING.

- MARGARET, WHAT'S WRONG?

- OH, I'M SURE IT'S NOTHING.

JIM'S WITH HIM.

NOW DON'T WORRY
AND HAVE A GOOD TIME.

- MARGARET!
[canned laughter]

- I HAVE YOUR PHONE NUMBER,
MILDRED, I CAN CALL YOU.

HE'S ALL RIGHT. NOW, GOODBYE.

[canned laughter]

OH, FOR HEAVEN'S
SAKE, WHAT HAPPENED?

- HE'S UNCONTROLLABLE.

- WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?
- OH.

- OUR CHILDREN
WERE NEVER LIKE THIS.

- OH.

- OH!

- I'M READY TO GO.

WELL, WHAT'S WRONG WITH RICHIE?

- NOTHING. HE'S RUNNING
ON ALL 12 CYLINDERS.

- I'M SURE YOU AND MOTHER
CAN TAKE CARE OF HIM.

- YES, WE CAN TAKE CARE OF HIM.
[car honking]

- OH. WELL, THERE'S MARGE.

THANKS FOR LETTING
ME GO. I... I WON'T BE LATE.

- UH-HUH. HAVE FUN.

- OH, HE'S HUNGRY.

HE'LL FEEL BETTER
AFTER HE EATS DINNER.

- RAZOR DUNKER.

[canned laughter]

- HOW ABOUT SOME NICE OATMEAL...
- AH.

- APPLESAUCE AND WARM MILK?

- IS THAT WHAT HE EATS?

- WELL, OUR CHILDREN ATE
IT WHEN THEY WERE HIS AGE.

- [laughs]
- DON'T YOU REMEMBER?

- [whispering] OH.

[canned laughter]

[clears throat]

- SAY, DAD,

I HEAR YOUR ELECTRIC RAZOR
OPERATES UNDER WATER.

[canned laughter]

- OH, IT'S PROBABLY MY FAULT

FOR LEAVING IT WHERE
HE CAN REACH IT.

- HEY, HE'S SITTING
IN MY HIGH CHAIR!

- THE ONE YOU USED
WHEN YOU WERE A BABY.

YOU DON'T MIND IF
RICHIE BORROWS IT.

- I SURE DO.
[canned laughter]

AND HE'S EATING OUT OF
MY PLATE! [canned laughter]

[grunts]

- NOW, WHAT IN THE
WORLD AILS HER?

- I TOLD YOU THIS
FAMILY'S CRACKING UP,

AND IT'S ALL HIS FAULT.

- WHY DO YOU INSIST
ON BLAMING THIS BABY?

POOR, INNOCENT LITTLE THING.

- WHY, HE DOESN'T MEAN
ANY HARM TO ANYONE.

DO YOU, SPORT?

- [giggles]
- OH!

- OH, HERE, WIPE IT UP

BEFORE IT RUNS
ALL OVER THE FLOOR.

- SAY, I THOUGHT YOU
AND MOM WERE VETERANS

- AT THIS BABY STUFF.
- OH!

[canned laughter]

- NOTHING TO GET EXCITED ABOUT.

IT'S JUST AN ACCIDENT.

[comical music]

- RICHIE!

[canned laughter]

♪ ♪

[baby crying]

- WHY DOESN'T BETTY COME HOME?

WE NEVER SHOULD'VE LET
HER GO IN THE FIRST PLACE.

LET'S TRY ANOTHER BOTTLE AGAIN.

- OH, HE DOESN'T
WANT THE BOTTLE.

- WELL, WHAT DOES HE WANT?
- I DON'T KNOW.

- DID OUR KIDS
EVER YELL LIKE THIS?

- I SUPPOSE SO.

- HOW DID YOU EVER
GET THEM QUIET?

- I DON'T KNOW.
[canned laughter]

OOH.

- YOU BETTER DO SOMETHING OR
THE NEIGHBORS WILL CALL THE POLICE.

[canned laughter]

I WONDER HOW
BUD'S STANDING THIS.

[canned laughter]

[lullaby music]

[baby cries softly]

♪ ♪

- MOMMY. MOMMY.

♪ ♪

[dramatic music]

HE FINALLY CONKED
OUT. [chuckles]

- POOR, TIRED LITTLE THING.
[doorbell dings]

UH, THERE'S BETTY.

- OH SHE HAS A KEY?

- OH, COME ON.

♪ ♪

- MOMMY.
- MILDRED.

- HELLO, JIM.

- WELL, COME IN.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER?

- WE JUST COULDN'T STAY AWAY
ANY LONGER. HOW IS MY BABY?

- WELL, WE'RE JUST
GETTING HIM TO SLEEP.

- OH.
- WHAT'S THIS?

- MOMMY.

[canned laughter]

- YOU UNDERSTAND WHY
LES AND I CAME BACK.

WE JUST COULDN'T STAY
AWAY FROM RICHIE ANY LONGER.

- [chuckles] AREN'T WE SILLY?
- NOT AT ALL.

WE'VE DONE THE SAME THING.

- WELL, I'LL COME BACK

FOR HIS CLOTHES AND
THINGS IN THE MORNING.

AND THANK YOU BOTH,
YOU'VE BEEN WONDERFUL.

- OH, THANK YOU FOR
LETTING US ENJOY YOUR BABY.

- [chuckles] GOOD NIGHT.
- GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, RICHIE. [chuckles]

- WELL, WE HAD A
BABY FOR A WHILE.

- [chuckles]

[rapid footsteps]
- HEY!

ISN'T KATHY SUPPOSED
TO BE IN BED?

- WHY, YES, SHE WENT
TO BED HOURS AGO. WHY?

- WELL, I WENT BY HER
ROOM AND SHE'S NOT IN BED,

AND SHE HASN'T BEEN IN IT.

THE COVERS AREN'T
EVEN TURNED BACK.

- SHE MUST BE.

DID YOU LOOK FOR HER?

- SURE I DID. I... I LOOKED
ALL OVER, SHE'S GONE.

ARE YOU SURE SHE WENT TO BED?

- WELL, I DIDN'T SEE HER GO,
BUT SHE WAS IN A NIGHT GOWN.

I WAS BUSY WITH THE BABY.

JIM, YOU AND BUD LOOK
DOWNSTAIRS AND OUTSIDE.

- I'LL CHECK THE UPSTAIRS AGAIN.
- BUD, YOU TAKE THE OUTSIDE.

KATHY!

MARGARET, I'LL
LOOK IN THE PATIO.

KATHY!

KATHY?

WHERE ARE YOU?

- JIM.

I FOUND HER. COME UP HERE.

- OH! BUD!

WE FOUND HER IN
THE HOUSE, UPSTAIRS!

- W... WHERE IS SHE?

- UPSTAIRS SOMEWHERE.

- SHH.

[lullaby music]
[canned laughter]

♪ ♪

- POOR LITTLE MUTT.

♪ ♪

- FORGIVE US, KATHY.

- YOU'RE OUR BABY.

YOU WILL ALWAYS BE OUR BABY.

[chuckles]

♪ ♪

[applause]

[theme music]