Farscape (1999–2003): Season 4, Episode 4 - Lava's a Many Splendored Thing - full transcript

Previously on Farscape...

I finally figured out wormholes.
I can get you home.

If I knew where home was or...
where we are.

You might not wanna come with us.
We are not the best traveling companions.

Aeryn, we haven't heard from.
Has she contacted you?

No, not yet.

What do you want from me?

What I want...
may not be as bad as you think.

What are you doing?!

My interrogations are much more agreeable
than Scorpius' methods.

He'll never bother you again.



Bury him.

Elack... if we don't find the strength,
it's all been for nothing.

I will find them again, and when I do...

...they will pay for this humiliation.

I've said good-bye to everyone.
I can't make any of you stay.

You have more courage,

integrity...

and honesty than a dozen Vellas.

And I should have said that to her.

So... any response from Moya?

Not yet.

We're hunted by Peacekeepers...

lost in the Uncharted Territories
with no purpose in life.

One of us has a purpose.
Don't you, Crichton?



You're right.

I do have a purpose.

And now on Farscape...

No sign of Moya yet?

Nothing.

No response on the comms.

So, why don't we land? I am starving.
Isn't that a planet out there?

Hot and lifeless.
Do you eat rock?

Right now? I think I could.

You ate only three solar days ago.
How inefficient is your body?

How edible... is yours?

I can see there's not much meat on there...

but I'm sure there's a lot of chew
on your noggin.

Oh, damn. How do you roll
a window down in this place?

I should've stayed on the module.

Should have left him on the module.

Ohh. I need food.

We all need food, Buckwheat.
You don't hear the rest of us fumigating the joint.

Here.

What's that?

Jilnak. Very good for you.

Give it to Mikey there,
he'll eat anything.

- More?
- Hey, what do you know? Mikey likes it.

One portion a piece.

Three stomachs... three portions, no?

It's not bad.

It's actually quite good.

That stuff's not gonna turn anybody
into a newt, is it?

Eat it. It's Jilnak. Restorative.

Ah, if you don't want it, I...

Rygel?

How come everything tastes like chicken?

What is chicken?

I'll be back.

Don't you leave without me.

Restorative?
You call that a restorative?

Try "purgative".

Here. This'll help the cramp.

You better get away from me
before I spew on you.

- I... am inside out.
- But you're not hungry anymore.

Okay, where's Rygel?

Down that hole... takin' a giant schlock.

Rygel?

Buckwheat?

Rygel?

Hey, Sparky?!

- You down there!
- Rygel!

Guido?!

Man, I got one of those...
chunks stuck up in my nose.

I hate that.
Rygel, what the frell are you doing?

Buckwheat, I thought you came down here
to drop some friends off at the pool.

I did. I will.

Well, do your business and let's get out of here...
and that stuff belongs to somebody else.

We have enough enemies already.

I thought you said the planet is lifeless.

On the surface, yes... but down here...

What's this?

Medicines!

Oh, great. Another klepto.

No, no, no, no, no.
These markings are familiar.

I've seen them before somewhere,
but where? I...

- Who cares? Let's get out of here.
- Exactly.

Help! Help!

- Watch it... trip lights everywhere, D!
- I know, I see them.

No!... Booby-traps...

I can't move.
Help me... get me out!

D'Argo! Crichton!
Will someone frelling answer?!

Stand clear!

It's no good.

Somebody help me, I'm stuck!

We're all stuck.

Subtitles: PK SUB-66

nnnnnn

Oh, I really need to schlock.

My bowels hate me.
I hate you!

Get me out! Do something!

I'm open to suggestions.

Where have I seen these markings before?

On Cavari, yes...no, not Cavari.
It must have been Eldor II.

D, we may have to stick Granny in a home.

I think we should burn her.

You burn your old folks?

No. It just... sounded like a good idea.

Wait. You hear that?

Sparky, shut up!

Don't forget to kill the traps.

Oh, of course not.
Traps are off.

I don't know why they make us set
the traps in the first place!

Plague... Children sick and dying...

then soldiers came with provisions...

Come on, Frool... get.

- Tarkans! These belong to the Tarkans!
- Yo, Grandma, come on! Go!

I tell you, I tell you, the Tarkans...

Play dead.

Crichton, don't-don't leave me! Don't!

- I remember now... Tarkan freedom fighters...
- Shht, shht... Zip it!

Come on, we still got a lot of crates to move.

How come I always gotta do the heavy lugging?

Because you're not smart enough
to do anything else. That's why.

- Oh, well why are you here?
- Because I'm not smart enough
to hang out with anyone else.

Okay... do you think we can take 'em out?

I don't know,
what if they got friends downstairs?

I'll take these two,
you can take their friends.

What if there's a hundred of 'em?

Of these guys?
We should be so lucky.

Look at this!

No violence, these are Tarkans!

- Somethin' set off the traps.
- Yeah, and got itself stuck.

Will you come on...

Is it dead ?

Smells dead... but it's not... yet.

Gentlemen...

I apologize for disturbing your work.

If you'd be so kind as to...
get me free, I'll be on my way.

It speaks.

It steals too.

Any more of you?

No, I'm all alone.

- Yeah, I can see why.
- Come on!

We've captured an intruder!

It claims it's all alone.

- Is it armed?
- No.

But it's sure making some strange noises.

Don't touch it.
Wait for me, I'm on my way.

You, come with me.

What are you doing?
Did I not tell you to stay put?

Listen to me...
these are Tarkans, they're good people.

You know Jack about these people,
now you stay behind cover!

Greetings, Tarkans.

We're honored to meet you.

We mean you no harm.

You said you were alone!

I've... never seen her before.

No. Not alone.

There's a human... and a Luxan too.

Oh, I've told them of your good works...

but they're shy.

Come on out, it's all right.

Burning? It's too good for her.

Come on, Crichton... D'Argo?

Hey! Granny... what are you doing?

You have got to stop wandering off like this.
Thanks for lookin' after her fellas.

She's a little...

You haven't seen my dog, have ya?

Little Bubba!
You got caught in a trap?!

Crichton... get me out!

I got an idea.
Why don't we all put our guns down...

There's two more!

Stop! No violence!

No firing! Oh!

What's going on down there?

It's no good... they're shielded.

They got body armor?

That's a hell of an invention.
How come we don't have that?

You three! Get them!

Where are you going?
Don't leave me.

I'll keep you company.

Perhaps I should introduce myself,

I am Rygel...

Oh, please! Don't hurt me!

Oh, thank you...
this won't go unrewarded.

You-you didn't finish.

Oh, wh-what are you doing?

I'll catch up.

Crichton?!

Frell.

Those lights.
I think they were pulse blasts.

We gotta help 'em.

We have to get to them first.

Well you're a genius... how?

The cannon on the Luxan ship.

Are you tinked?

Only D'Argo can operate that ship.

Maybe there's another way in.

That was some drop.

- Down here. I found 'em!
- We got another one!

- Think we lost those two?
- There's no need for...

Will you listen to me?

These are Tarkan freedom fighters,
they're heroes!

On the planet Cavari
there was a deadly plague.

The Tarkans defied the quarantine.

They brought food, clean water, medicines.
They saved thousands of lives.

Whatever. They're angels of mercy,
they're still tryin' to shoot us.

Well, what did you expect?
You walk into their house,
you steal, you shoot at them!

In case you hadn't noticed,
they started to shoot at us first!

Right.

And they're gonna keep shooting at us
until we die unless we talk to them.

So let me mediate!

You know, maybe we should let her try.

Nah, she's gonna get shot.

And that would be bad?

Can we... discuss this?

- So this... is our intruder?
- One of them.

One? You mean there's more?

Three more.

How did you find this place?

Who told you we were here?

Nobody. We found it by accident.

And that Mooka chain just...
fell into your hand by accident too.

I was just putting it back.

No, please... no, lava... oh!

I have the intruders cornered, but I...
I could do with some help.

Why? Shoot 'em!

Well, there's two of them, and they have two guns.
Will this...Will this belt stop two guns at once?

- I'm coming up.
- No!

I'll take care of it.

You keep moving those crates!

Try to remember we're on a schedule!

- Describe where you are.
- Look, how am I supposed to describe it?

It all just looks like rock to me.

I won't get shot. I trust Tarkans.
Everyone knows their reputation.

I don't.

Me either. Listen, John.

We can't shoot them, we're trapped...

Maybe we should let the old lady try
and mediate a way out.

All right, fine. You're up.

Are you all right? What's the matter?

Oh, just a bit tired, that's all.

Grandma... You okay?

- I think she's asleep.
- Grandma!

This is unbelievable!

What... can't cook, won't bathe,
and now she's narcoleptic.

She's a triple threat. Grandma, get up!

- Any markings on the walls?
- No!

Wait... yeah.

There's ah... some... purple writing but...
I don't know what it says.

Purple...

Grandma!

The intruders are trapped
in the small lower alcove?

- Yeah.
- Good.

I know exactly where you are.

Grandma, get up!

Do you see those purple markings?

- Shoot them.
- Shoot the markings?

Yes, shoot them. Now!

- Bad news.
- Trouble.

Somebody's doin' the Pompei thing.
Let's go.

- Ah, more bad news.
- Same dren, different planet.

Yeah, we're trapped... Again.

The lava's rising, jump!

- Jump?
- Jump!

Yeah, yeah, I can make that,
but the uh... old bat can't.

Old bats can fly.

You're up.

All right, look, I lied.
I can't make that jump.

You can't make that jump...
gimme your foot!

Come on. Go!

Okay...

D, grab my hand!

Can't reach!

I didn't know you could do that.

It takes a bit of practice.

I take it you did not find another entrance?

No.

What... are you doing?

Trying to power up this vessel's cannon.

I take it... your memory is frelled.

I told you only D'Argo
can operate this ship.

And D'Argo is a fool
if he has not set an override sequence.

I don't think you should be blaming
D'Argo in this instance.

- He's already saved your eema once...
- All right...

fine... he's a big and brave warrior.
However...

if these controls are locked to his DNA...

it was not particularly smart of him
not to have set up an override sequence.

Wait...

Wait...

- You're right.
- Yes, Chiana, I usually am.

Then we don't need D'Argo to run this ship.

We just need his DNA.

And how to you suggest we get...?

- The intruders can't be alive.
- Well, they are!

Your miserable lava traps
only got one of my men!

Your men are worthless.

Do you want to move all these yourself?!

You're the one who's so worried
about the schedule.

Crichton? D'Argo?!
Can you hear me?

- Rygel, are you all right?
- No... I'm dying...

Please, get me out of here
before my bowels rupture.

Yeah, we'll do that Sparky.
Where are you?

I don't know, lower level, some cavern...

- big pool of lava and...
- All right, we'll come get ya.

Who's this?!

Lou Costello. Who's this?

My name's... Raa'Keel.

And mine is Uta-Noranti-Pralatong.

I'm afraid there's been
a huge misunderstanding
which we really must rectify.

A misunderstanding?

Yeah, we really shouldn't be
shooting each other.

We didn't come here to rob you guys.
Hell, we didn't know there was anybody on this rock.

We're not your enemies,
we know who you are.

- You do?
- Yes.

Every educated species knows
and reveres Tarkan freedom fighters.

- Then you approve of our work.
- Yep.

Absolutely, that thing you guys did on Calimari,
that was beautiful, man.

That was Nobel Peace Prize material.

- Yet you attempted to rob us!
- Only because I did not realize whose stuff it was!

- Had I but known, I...
- Yeah, please accept our apology on that.

Listen, why don't you give us the slug,
we'll punish him appropriately
and we are out of your hair.

- All right. We'll release him.
- Quickly!

But he doesn't look well...
you'd better come and get him.

Yeah, we'd love to do that.
Where are you?

Stay where you are...

- I'll send an escort.
- Fine.

Find him.

- You know, I definitely do not trust this guy.
- Me either.

- But I got an idea.
- But there's no reason not to trust him.
I mean why?

Grandma, zip it.
We don't want to hear what saints the Tarkans are.

We are not going in there undefended.

So you can either get with the program
or you can shut up.

Preferably both. What's your idea?

All right, here's the thing.

I think that we ambush the escort...

we hit 'em with a rock and take his belt.

- That is your plan?
- Yeah.

To hit him with a rock,
when they have these like shield things?!

The shields work against pulse energy...

- they don't work against other things.
We saw the guy get burned.
- Yeah, but not by a rock.

All right, let me lay this out for you.

- Fire... is thermal energy.
- Okay.

Thermal energy is like kinetic energy.

A rock has kinetic energy.
Ergo, a rock will work.

Uh, okay, okay, I'm with you.
I just have, uh... one small little question.

Who is... Lou Costello?

- Wait!
- What?

I want to help...

- Abbott and Costello, we've been over this.
- Right.

That was yours...
so this must be D'Argo's.

No, no, no. This... is Crichton's.

This... is D'Argo's.

- No living creature could produce that!
- You haven't met many Luxans, have ya?

Okay... I should be doing this.

Excuse me... I'm the one...
that put my hands in the vomit.

And I'm the one who happened to observe D'Argo's
starting procedure when we left Arnessk.

Press... this, this, that, and those two together.

This, this, that...

Power systems at your command, Ka D'Argo.

How do you fire up the cannon?

That I do not know.

I've never seen him use the cannon.

Right.

Random flailing is pointless, Chiana.
Move aside and let me wo...

Hey, I am the one...
that put my hands in the vomit.

Okay, you want a turn?
Go get your own vomit.

Yes, the powder is ready.

- Come through, but don't inhale.
- Okay.

- What is it? Sleeping powder?
- I dunno, she's pretty vague,

but this'll knock 'em out.

- I signed on to haul crates. Not get killed!
- Me too.

If I get killed...
all my wives will throw fits.

Come on, come on, Frool.

Hey, fellas?

Let's do it!

Oh, yeah, baby.

Take it off.

I am the flower...

... you are the bee.

I am the pod...

...you are the pea.

I am the target...

... you are the gun!

I am the woman...

...you are the men.

Oh, my god!

Well, you're not any help.

Now... move aside.

All right.

- Oh, careful...
- Sorry.

You better hurry, you're losing your vomit.

I think I've decoded the right sequence.

Slowly...

Actually... it's really quite simple.

To a great mind like yours.

Okay, fire the cannon.

Certainly. I see the pattern. This...

- ... locates the target.
- Right.

This one primes the charge.

And this one... fires.

Really... quite simple.

Frell !!

All right, so there's nothing to turn on.
Someone shoots me, and I'm protected.

Yeah.

Well, I think we'd better test it.

Do you have any, uh...
small appendages you don't need?

Small?

Shoot him in the buttock, that's big.

Hey, you know what?
Don't touch my ass, that's sexual harrassment.

- Whoa, no, we are not shooting the butt!
- Okay.

The butt is off-limits, try the heel or...

why don't we shoot you?
You got a small appendage!

Shoot me?!

Son of a gun, it works.

Now can we go and talk to the Tarkans?

There is no "we", white girl.

We appreciate what you did... it was different,
but we have two belts, three people.

You're stayin' here, we're not takin' chances.

Is this thing cuttin' out on me?

Energy save mode.
It'll reactivate when it's needed.

Okay, let's get out of here.
You guys...show the way. Come on!

Put some clothes on.

You don't understand...

if I don't take a schlock soon,
my insides will explode and I'll die!

Sur-prise, sur-prize, sur-prise!

What happened?

They... uh... have our belts.

Yeah, yeah, th-that's right.

I can see that.

Sparky, you okay?

- What do you think?
- Just hang in there.

Okay, here's the deal, Tin Man.

You can't hurt us, we can't hurt you.

You've got our whoopie cushion,
we've got Larry and Moe here.

What do you say to a simple trade?

Why would I want these morons back?

- Will you stop shooting my men?!
- Shut up and stand still.

- John!
- I got it.

One of those frelling booby traps.

You know that thing I said...
about the Nobel Peace Prize for Tarkans?

I take it all back.

You think we're Tarkan freedom fighters.

We're not.

We're robbing them, and you can identify us.

Need I continue?

Right, so you're robbers, whatever.
We're not cops, we don't care.

Actually, we've performed
quite a few burglaries ourselves.

Well, you picked the wrong place
to burglarize today.

Who else is with you?

Ah... get frelled.

There's an old woman, but she's no threat.

What would you know? She can't get out,
and no one else can get in.

Why prolong her agony?

Save us some time and tell us where she is.

Out riding her broomstick.

I wonder which is worse...
to burn to death in lava,

or to suffocate in a column of Armarak.

What do you think?

Try something.

I have tried every plausible combination.

Well then, try something else!

- Like what?
- Anything!

All right.

It's the Tarkans.
They've come back early.

Don't be stupid.
Why would they attack their own race?

Maybe they found our transport.
If they blew it up, we're trapped.

It's well hidden.
How could they find it?

That was Lo'La's cannon.
Someone is in my ship.

It's gotta be the girls.
But how did they get your bodily fluids?

Don't go there.

You wanted to know who was with us.
You just found out.

That was our squad blasting their way in.

Your squad?

Yeah.

A whole platoon of big hairy guys with really
cool tats and more guns than you can count.

If they come down here and find us dead...

they're gonna slit you from crotch
to eyeball with a dull deer antler.

In other words, we die... you die.

We live, and you might have a chance.

You're lying!

Wait... if it's true...
we're gonna need some hostages.

Why now? Of all the times
you could have come here, why now?!

Do you know how long
I've been planning this?!

- Life sucks, don't it.
- Well, quite often in fact.

Here, take this.

If they try anything, throw it at them!

No, no, no, no, no! Don't-don't touch me!

- It's not my fault.
- Don't touch.

- Don't get angry.
- Not angry......

Vomit...vomit.

Yes... we must conserve it.

Okay, you stay at the controls.
I'm gonna go down and check things out.

It may be an idea to turn the ship invisible.
If... if you can figure out how.

You said this'd be easy.

While the Tarkans are off delivering food
to the orphans...

... we loot the place then disappear.

Gun battles weren't part of the deal.

Stop complaining.
You're wearing a shield belt.

We were six! We're now three!

Then try and shoot straight you incompetent,
it'd make a nice change.

You're lucky I'm here at all!

Keep still.

Hit a beam and you'll be trapped
like your smelly friend.

Mr. Redshirt...

whatever the Tin Man's paying you,
we'll double it.

Come on, you heard what Raa'Keel said.
He doesn't want any witnesses.

Do you think you can walk out
of here alive with your share?

Don't take the chance.

Throw in with us, you'll come out ahead.
We're the good guys.

Shut up, or I'll give you a face full of...

Oh! Crichton!

Damn, he's completely encased.
Where's that gizmo?

There.

- Do you know how this thing works?
- I dunno, just press the button.Watch where you...

Set it lower!

There ya go.

Prop him up so I can grill both sides.

Oh, damn it!

I'm telling you.
It couldn't have been an attack.

Probably just a pressure eruption on the surface.

Nothing to worry about.

Nothing to worry about?

If our transport's damaged, we're dead.

Check the transport.

- What are you doing? It's too low.
- No, no, it's right.
- It's too low.

Give it more power. What are you doing...
look, look, you're gonna break.

- I think it's outta juice, and that...
- No, you're breaking it!
- That is maxed out!

- It's outta juice.
- Oh, great!

Okay, there's another one of those canisters
on the level up top.

All right, go get it.
Don't drag your heels, Rygel's gonna die here on us.

Oh, no, no! Rygel!

Rygel...

Oh, crap!

Eenie, meenie, minie, moe...

Don't even consider it, John!

You know far too well,
the shield belt doesn't work against lava!

Yeah... I figured that out.

But it might work if it's already activated.

Far too risky!

Look, I put Rygel in there,
I'm gonna have to get him out.

He's already dead.

You don't know that.

The amber protects the crates,
it might protect Rygel.

How long has he been without air?!

He's amphibious, he can last.

Would you quit buzzin' around in my head?
You're givin' me a headache.

Go!

Okay...

Okay... At least we know I'm insane.

Raa'Keel... transport's fine.

Not a scratch.

- Did you see anyone?
- No. It had to be a bluff.

Then what did this?

I don't know. What's the difference?

We're getting out now before the Tarkans get back.
Load up as much as you can.

I'll dispose of the hostages.

- Shh, we must hide!
- What'd you think I was doin'?
- Shh! Come on.

... morons...

These aren't real Tarkans at all,
they're highly evil men!

Oh? Well, I wouldn't have guessed.

- Come on, let's get the others and get out of here.
- No, it's not that easy.

Our weapons are useless.

We have to find the real Tarkans
and tell them what's happening.

- Send a message.
- Right.

Are you klempt?

Come here, come here, come-here!

Hey, these are highly evil men... right? Okay...

Sikozu probably doesn't even know
how to work the radio, right?

Hey, where are you going?

Frell her.

All right, Sparky, where are ya?

Come on, Bubba.

I'm too old to be playin' hide and seek.

At least that works.

Damn, this has gotta be bad for the sperm count.

Is that you?

Give me a bubble.

Ah... okay, let's get you some O2.

Nice use of the shield belt but without
that pathetic little weapon... you'll burn!

You do not... talk... about...
Winona... like that!

Lift going down?

Whoa, is that a head?!

Prepare to feel fire!

- Crichton!
- Chiana, shoot!

Not him! Me!

- What?
- Just shoot me!

Keep shootin' me.
I gotta find Rygel.

What's goin' on, tell me what...

Can I get a "hell, yeah!"?

Quickly, quickly!

- I'm workin' it!
- Hurry up!

Oh, hezmana...

Oh, man!

Somebody had somethin' crawl up
their ass and die!

- Damn, nobody light a match!
- Or breathe.

Or move.

No. No wait.

These are Tarkans. Good people.

- That's what you said the last time.
- No, no, don't worry.

I've told them all about the robbery
and how we're not their enemies.

And they believed you?

Raa'Keel... once one of us.

Now just a traitor and a thief.

I guess they believed her.

You're free to go.

As long as you take him with you.

- Thanks for the belt.
- A pleasure.

- And... thank you for the, uh...
- Jilnak!

Oh, my module is parked in orbit
and the meter is running out.

Oh, I'll never eat again.
The very thought of food nauseates me.

Sork wings? Crispy Grolack?

Excuse me... excuse me!

What is this mess?! And the smell!

This... is all you.

Well... from you.

Whose idea was this?

Mine.

D, why don't we fire this thing up before
the Tarkans realize that Grandma has poisoned them.

Merely a cleansing restorative.

Not one word.

Power systems at your command.

A received transmission awaits your review.

- We have an answering machine?
- We've got a message?

- Quick. Play it, play it now!
- Just shut up!

Ka D'Argo...
Moya and I have recieved your signal.

Here is our location.
We look forward to your return.

It's Pilot.

Repeat... Moya and I have received your signal.

Pilot.

Oh... by the yotz.
Moya's all right. She's waiting for us.