Fargo (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - A Fox, a Rabbit, and a Cabbage - full transcript

MAN: Erstwhile on Fargo...

Mom home?
Yeah.

Let's eat.
I'm starving.

MAN: FBI.

MOLLY: I called a couple
times now about

the Fargo Syndicate massacre...

Now I might know
the fella responsible...

Jesus!

This is where you work now.

I have a commendation.

I give you...



Insurance Salesman of the
Year, Lester Nygaard!

So proud of ya, Lester.

Oh, Miss? Can we have
some more sparkling water?

And this is any animal.
Pig, gopher, chicken...

They go long enough
without sleep,

you start to see
abnormalities behavior-wise.

First there's the
inability to concentrate

and perform certain
fine motor skills.

Then you start to see...

And the army did studies
on this in the '50s.

The effects of sleep deprivation
on the human brain.

I know 'cause
a buddy of my dad's

was a subject back during
the Korean conflict.

I mean, shit, Ray,
what's the longest



you've ever gone without sleep?

(SPEAKING INCOHERENTLY)

Five days for me.

This was back in dental school.

Marty Perlmutter
stole a prescription pad,

wrote us all a scrip for amphetamines,
so we could cram for finals.

And boy howdy, I tell ya... After
three days of no sleeping,

I was an animal.

All right, mi amigo.
That ought to do it.

I'm still a little worried
about the 203 and the 204.

So we should
make an appointment

to get together again
in about six months.

Appreciate it, Doc.

Really. This black fella rolled
over my foot with a steam cleaner.

And I tell ya, this hurt worse
than that did by a long shot.

Yeah, nerve pain,
that's a bear.

Oh, you wanna
avoid nut brittles

for a few days, and any
kind of fruit with pits.

Jemma's got a pamphlet.

All right.
Okay.

Yo, Mick Mike...

We still on for golf next week?

Of course, we are, Burty Burt.

But more importantly, are you and
Louise still gonna make it on Sunday?

Uh, do dogs smell
each other's butts?

I think I might have observed that
type of behavior on occasion.

(CHUCKLING)

Well, we'll be there. Weezy's
making her famous five bean dip.

(VOCALIZING)

Aces.

(INDISTINCT LAUGHING)

Oh, thanks, babe.

(SIGHS) Mick Mike.

I just keep pinching myself.
(CHUCKLES)

Honey, you've earned it.
It's like my mom always said,

"Boys, if you like the milk,
buy the freakin' cow."

Aw, that's so sweet.

I am gonna stick my whole
thumb up your ass later.

Aces.

(CHUCKLING)

(SQUEALS)

Yello.

Hey, hey.

Darling, is this guy
bothering you or what?

(CHUCKLES) You!

We're gonna tie one on tonight, friend-o.
I'm telling you.

No time like the present.
That's what I always say.

Bean dip?
You betcha.

Oh.

You look great.
You too.

Ice wine. (GRUNTS)

Buddy of mine says they swear
by this stuff in Finland.

Well, they're all a bunch
of sex-crazed alcoholics.

(LAUGHS) So they
should know, right?

Sweet.
Hmm.

Weezy says you
popped the question.

Gonna make
Jemma an honest woman.

Oh, yeah, I cried like a baby.
I'm not afraid to admit it.

Well, she's something
else, that Jemma.

Just between us girls
that body, is it...

l mean...

What's she like in the sack?

(EXHALES) Hellcat. That's
the only word for it.

Shit.

Weezy's basically
a Jew in the bedroom.

Oh, you mean she wears a wig

and makes you do it through
a hole in the sheet? Yeah.

No. No.

(CLEARS THROAT)

She stopped
putting it in her mouth

as soon as the ring
went on her finger.

That's a national tragedy,
Burt.

Amen.

Gotta tell ya, Mick Mike, I
sure do like having you around.

Likewise, Burty Burt.

The office was dead dull
until you showed up.

Positively geriatric.

I'm a rascal. There's
no two ways about it.

Yessiree, Bob.

Like I told you before,
you and my brother

would get along
like gangbusters.

Well, I'd like to meet him.

Yeah.

Like I said, it's tricky.

He's in witness protection.
Say what?

I said, he's in
witness protection.

Turned state's evidence against
these mob guys outta Chicago.

Told him not to.

Now, I haven't seen
him in over a year.

(SIGHS)

He still calls though.
Not supposed to.

You can't break
up the Canton boys.

I'll betcha. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, screw it. What are
you doing next weekend?

You tell me.

Oh, I like that,
"You tell me."

Well... Weezy and
me, we're headed

for Vegas to
a little family reunion.

Why don't you and
Jemma tag along?

Aces.

"MAN". You did this to me.

I had a wife, family.

I was happy-

And then you started...
MALVO: Started what?

All we did was talk.

MAN: No, that's not... No, you said things...
Jumbled me up.

You told me I needed...
Now, they're dead.

Why'd I listen to you? Why?

Tell my wife I love her.

(GUNSHOT FIRED)

(WOMEN CHUCKLING)

Oh, honey, can we get
some more sparkling water?

Thank you.

I put my mask on. Tawny hands
me the number two needle.

I start to give
the guy a novocaine shot.

Well, I stick the needle
in my own finger.

And... Yeah.

And it hurt, but I don't
want to look dumb,

so I try it again. The next
time, I stick it in my thumb.

Now I'm so flustered
that I go to take my mask off,

while I'm still holding the
needle, jab it right in my face.

(ALL LAUGHING)

And the patient is like... "Doc,
what's wrong?" And I'm like...

(TALKING GIBBERISH)

I can't even move my arm.

I mean, it was insane.

BURT: You're a riot.

He's a riot.

You have no idea.

(CLEARS THROAT) So,
we are all set for tomorrow,

to go see you-know-who.
Should be fun.

Real clandestine stuff,
change cars twice, no phones.

Geez, who did you say
is after this guy again?

LESTER: Well,
what are the odds?

Sorry?

(LAUGHING) It's me, Lester.
(CLEARS THROAT)

I'm sorry, sir. You must have
me confused with someone else.

No. Minnesota,
last year?

The emergency room?

I didn't recognize you at first
either, 'cause you got a whole new...

But hey, so have I.

What do you think of the suit?

Bill Blass.
Check this out.

Salesman of the Year.
(WHISTLES)

They gave it to me
on a stage and everything.

Uh, Mick Mike. You gonna introduce
us to your friend there?

You know, I'd love to, Burt.

But unfortunately, I've never
met this man before in my life.

What?

Right, we don't know
each other.

(LESTER CLEARS THROAT)

Okay, honey, let's go.

We're never gonna make the show
if we don't get out of here.

Walk away.

Sorry, I must have...

Congratulations on your award.
Thank you.

Burt, did I ever
tell you about the time

I made a night guard
for Britney Spears?

(BURT LAUGHING) I swear.

Come on.

He was a piece of work, huh?
Who's that?

That guy in the bar.
You sure you don't know him?

People nab me all the time. Just
one of those faces, I guess.

No.

You don't get to...

I'm sorry to interrupt,
but it's not right.

And when something's not right,

well, the old Lester, now, he
would have just let it slide.

But not this guy.

I've worked too hard.
I've come too far...

Lester, stop.

So now you do know me.

Honey?

Is this what you want?

Ah.

Hey, Mick Mike,
lighten up, huh?

Lester, is this what you want?

Yes or no?

Yes.

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTS)

Oh, my God!

(PANTING)

Oh, my...

That's on you.

I worked this guy for six
months, Lester, six months.

Can you imagine the number of
sewer mouths I put my hands in?

The gallons of human spit?

Plus, the $100,000 bounty
down the toilet, but...

Still, the look on his face when
I pulled the gun. Classic, huh?

Grab the fat guy's feet.
We'll throw him in a dumpster.

(GRUNTS)

Shit, Lester.

See you later, Lester.

See you soon.

(PANTING)

Shit.

(GRUNTS)

All right.

Okay. Get dressed.
We gotta...

Lester, are you okay?

Get dressed!
Get dressed!

Get dressed! Get dressed!
Come on.

Okay. Go, go.

All right. Let's go.

Keep up, hon.
Keep up.

(ELEVATOR WHIRRING)

Lester, you're hurting my hand.

Sorry. Sorry.

Okay, okay. Come on.

PEPPER: A man has a fox,
a rabbit and a cabbage.

BUDGE: What man?

Any man. A man.

Colonel Sanders?

Could be, could be
George W. Bush.

Why would George W. Bush have a
fox and a rabbit and a cabbage?

Just listen. A man has a
fox, a rabbit and a cabbage

and he wants to
get across the river,

but his boat can only carry
one of them at a time.

Get a bigger boat. No, no.
That's not an option.

And here's the problem...

If the man leaves the fox
and the rabbit alone,

the fox is gonna
eat the rabbit.

And the same for the
rabbit and the cabbage.

So how does the man get all three
of his items across the river

without losing any of them?

A turducken.

A... What's that now?

He stuffs the cabbage in the
rabbit and the rabbit in the fox,

and he eats all of them.

That's not the answer.

BUDGE: It's an answer.

Hello?

Incoming or outgoing?

I need you to pull
the Syndicate file.

Why?

Is it like a clown
car back there?

Why do you need
the Syndicate file?

Yeah. Did something happen
with the case? A break?

No. Just a phone
call I've gotta log.

Phone call from who?
Yeah, who called?

That's really
not your business.

Hey-

Deputy Solverson.
Solverson. What does he say?

Says he knows who did it.
Okay.

Where's Bemidji?

Thanks, Dad.

I think I'd look
cool with a limp.

Saw the profile of
Bill in the paper.

Yup.

For the record,
I advised against

wearing a sword
in that picture.

Honey, pass the syrup.
Yeah.

Anyway, I'm in charge
today on account of...

Bill's on his way to St. Paul now for a...
What do you call it?

Law enforcement conference.

So, watch your butts.

How's the route?

Can't complain. Takes me out by the lake.
It's a nice drive.

LOU: Dated the girl who
delivered my mail once...

After her mother.

Convenient at first.

Awkward after,
once we broke up.

Seeing her every day.

Ended up moving to
a different neighborhood.

So that's why we moved.

You know you could have just
had your mail sent to work.

I never thought of that.

So when's your last day?

About a month.
GRETA: She's nesting.

Uh, geez. You know, you
buy one throw pillow...

We better... (CLEARS THROAT)

Bye.
Bye, kids.

Hey, and go fishing later?

You're the granddaughter I always
wanted, but was afraid to buy online.

Bye.

You did good, hon.

Yeah, and you
by proximity, huh?

(DOOR CLOSES)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Solverson.

Bill? Yeah. No. He's in
the Twin Cities for...

Oh, geez. Three people, uh.
Killed how?

In an elevator, huh?
You say one's a dentist?

Yeah, I'm... What do Las
Vegas police want me to...

Oh, sure. Yeah.

Yeah. No, I can go see their
witness, get a statement.

What's... What's
the witness' name then?

Will you slow down?

You'd think we were
being chased.

Sorry.

Was it me?

Did I do something?

What?
No, I told you.

I made a lot of new
contacts at the awards.

Big fish. You have to strike
while the iron's hot.

I know, but you woke me up
in the middle of the night.

Oh, I'll make it up to you.
How's that?

We can take a trip.

Anywhere you wanna go.

Natalie says in
Acapulco you get

to drink rum right
out of the coconut.

Acapulco it is.

In fact, uh, why don't...
We should leave tonight.

Really?

Sure. Yeah.
I mean, why not?

A little fun in the sun,
drink from a coconut.

We deserve it, huh?

What about work?
Your big fish?

Well, you only
live once, right?

Let's just...
We'll go home,

pack some stuff then head
back to the airport.

Have our toes in the sand
by dawn, a real adventure.

Oh, Lester.

Okay-

Now, here is
what you're gonna do.

You're gonna go inside
and pack your best bikini.

I'm gonna get changed
and head to the office.

And I'm gonna buy the tickets,
get the passports...

And then we are
gonna run away together.

Heck, we might never come back.

Thanks, hon.
There we go.

(GRUNTING)

(WATER FLOWING)

(GASPS)

Trust the circles,
whenever you go around,

just keep going, even though
you think you'll fail.

So I checked and there's
an 11:00 out of Minneapolis.

So we should be on
the road by 6:00.

Okay. I'll defrost
that pea soup.

We can have that before we go.

Oh, yeah, sounds good.

Love you, hon.

Love you, too.

Oh.

Scared me there.
Startled me.

Mr. Nygaard,
Deputy Solverson.

Maybe you remember?
Yeah, sure.

I'm sorry to bother you, but we
got a call from Las Vegas PD.

What?
Las Vegas police?

And they said you were, um...

That you might be
a witness to a murder.

Uh, three murders, actually.

LINDA: Lester?

It's fine.
Go back to your show.

Is everything okay?

Yes, ma'am,
just a routine inquiry.

Is now a good time
to ask you a few questions?

No.

Oh.

I've got an appointment.

I gotta get to work
and Linda's got shopping.

Now, Lester. Don't be rude. We
just got back from Las Vegas.

Can you tell me what this is
about, or is that classified?

Oh, well, yeah, actually...

I could come to the station this
afternoon and give a statement?

Not that I, you
know, saw anything.

Honestly, Lester, stay or go, but I
got a bladder the size of a penny.

Oh, you poor thing.
Please, come in.

Thank you.

Hey, guys.
Ls your dad around?

Yeah. Daddy!

Dad!

Help ya?

I'm not sure. I'm looking
for Lester Nygaard.

Oh, yeah. We bought the place
from him in the fall. Nice guy.

Yeah, that's Lester, all right,
nicest guy you'll ever meet.

You got any idea
how I can find him?

Uh, I don't have
a forwarding address.

He's got the shop
over on Third, though.

Is that Bo Munk?

No. Got his own
place now,

with his name on it.
Oh, nice.

Like I said, over on Third.
You can't miss it.

Okay. Thanks.

Oh, uh...

One more thing.

You do know people were
murdered in this house, right?

Hell of a thing.

Man in the living room,
shotgun, woman in the basement.

I think it was a hammering.

Afterwards Lester told me

he used to hear noises coming
from the basement at night.

Footsteps on the stairs,
a woman moaning.

That kind of thing.

But I'm sure it
was in his head.

You have a nice day.
Have fun, kids.

GIRL: I don't like him.

MOLLY: So you won an award.

Uh, that's right.

LINDA: Salesman of the Year.

Oh, hun... (PATTING)
Yeah, I...

It was
a national competition, so...

Uh, then it was
dinner with Buck Young,

who's the head of the whole
deal that gives the award.

That was some spread. I think we
closed that place down drinking.

Uh, and I said,
"I'm still up for some fun."

And Linda said she wanted to go to bed.
I'm a morning person.

Yeah, but then
I thought, "Heck..."

How often does something like this happen.
Winning an award?"

So, yeah, a nightcap,
just to celebrate.

I told him to go.
Yeah.

So, sure.
So I went to the bar.

And this is the bar
at the hotel?

Yes, sir. (CLICKS FINGER) Yes, ma'am.
Excuse me.

Uh. The Royale,
I guess it's called.

I ordered a drink, I had a chat
with the bartender for a bit.

MOLLY: Uh, male or female?

Female. A woman.

Uh, but, you know, one drink
and I'm back upstairs to bed.

And what happened on the elevator?
Nothing.

I mean, it went up.

So everyone on the elevator
was alive when you got off.

Oh, yeah, they sure were. Uh, they
were laughing about something.

Friday night in Vegas. That
is some place, I tell ya.

Linda and me,
we'd never been before.

What I love most
are the fountains.

Also, you can
gamble at the airport.

Right.

Well, l checked
and it looks like you

changed your flight
at the last minute

to come back on
the first flight.

So, what was the reason there?

That was me...
My idea.

I just...
I got homesick.

Woke Lester up in
the middle of the night

and told him did we have
to stay another day,

'cause I was ready to go home.

Yeah. That's right.
That is right.

Uh, remember? I said, "Babe, the room
is paid for through till Sunday."

But she was adamant.

I tend to get my way.
Oh, boy, does she?

(CHUCKLES)

Okay then. Well, uh, thank you for
your time, Mr. Nygaard. Missus.

When's the due date?

Oh, I've got a few weeks still.

Uh, listen. Vegas PD
is gonna send over

some pictures from
the hotel security camera.

So don't leave
town for a while.

I may have some
more questions for you.

Oh, shoot.
We were gonna...

No, absolutely, absolutely.

We'll be right here
if you need us.

MAN: (ON POLICE RADIO)
Car four, come back.

Car four, come back.

I'm coming.

Yeah, this is four.

Hey, Molly,
a couple of FBI fellows

came by the station
looking for you.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

Couldn't reach
you on the radio.

Thought you'd be at your
dad's, so I sent them there.

To the diner?
Yeah.

So you should probably
check in on them.

They seem real
eager to talk to you.

Okay then, will do.

Coffee?

Yeah. Decaf,
if you got it.

And a piece of pie.

I got apple and cherry.

No good ever came
from a piece of cherry pie.

(POLICE RADIO CHATTER)

Thanks, friend.

Local PD?

State cop, 18 years.

You got the look.

I spent some time
with the Tampa DA.

Lawyer?

Yeah, something like that.

Say, you may be
able to help me.

I will if I can.

Uh, I'm in town for not too much
time, just passing through, really.

But I wanted to look up
my old pal, Lester Nygaard.

Oh, sure, I know Lester.

Did you go by his shop?
Oh, first thing.

But wouldn't you know it?
They're closed.

Went by the house, too, except
it turns out he's moved.

No kidding.
Hmm.

So you can see my predicament.

You tried calling him?

Yeah, I could do that, but I
was hoping to surprise him.

That's a pickle.

Yup.

That your boy?

In a way. My daughter's husband.

They look happy.

'Course, no one hangs the
sad pictures, am I right?

Mom crying and
dad looking angry.

The kid with the black eye.

How long did you say you
worked for the Tampa DA?

Oh, I didn't say
I worked there.

Spent some time, that's all. But
that's just me. I'm a traveler.

MALVO: Big cities,
the small towns...

Open road.

Which is why I thought,
"Here we are in a..."

What do you call it,
"A tight-knit community."

So, uh...

Thought I'll just ask.

So here I am, asking you if you
know where I can find old Lester.

Had a case once.
Back in '79.

I'd tell you the details, but
it'd sound like I made 'em up...

Madness really.

Bodies?

Yes, sir...
One after another.

Probably,
if you stacked 'em high

you could have climbed
to the second floor.

LOU: Yeah, I saw
something that year...

I ain't never seen
before or since.

I'd call it animal.

Except animals
only kill for food.

This was...

Sioux Falls.
You ever been?

Went to Sioux City once.
Back in my scandalous days.

But anyway, you didn't
answer my question there.

Well, I tell ya what?

You leave me your number,

I'll make sure Lester gets it
next time he comes in.

That's a solid offer, friend. But like
I said, I'm just passing through.

Thanks for
the pie and the coffee.

I haven't had a piece of pie like
that since the Garden of Eden.

Hey, Dad.
Hey, hon.

Everything okay?

Oh, yeah.

Sometimes you
just get a weird one.

Well, I'm supposed to meet a
couple of fellows from the...

Never mind.
I see 'em.

Hey there, I'm...
Deputy Solverson?

That's right.

I'm Agent Budge and this is
Agent Pepper, FBI from Fargo.

We went by the station.
They told us you'd be here.

Am now.

Should we grab a table?
Yeah.

You made a phone
call to the field office

yesterday about
the massacre last year.

Said you know who shot up
the Syndicate building?

Called seven times,
according to the file.

Wouldn't take no for an answer.

I'm not clear on...

The FBI sent a fella already.

He looked at my evidence and
said it was circumstantial.

A worker bee... Or what
do the ants call them?

A drone.
We're invested.

Got a personal stake,
is what my partner...

See, we were there
on the day at the Syndicate.

Surveillance.

Day 156, just logging
the comings and goings.

Six months and nothing happens.
Going crazy with...

And then...

So, you see, we're invested
personally, like I said.

And when we heard you called...

That you have an answer.

So please, we have to know.

Who is he?

Um, Dad, I think we're gonna
need some coffees to go.

PEPPER: My God.

You put all this together yourself?
Oh, no.

Gus helped me...
My husband.

He used to be Duluth PD.
He's a mailman now.

But you can see
why I think this is your guy.

BILL: Okay, I'm here.

Hey, Chief.
These fellas...

Bill Oswalt.
I'm the chief here.

Sorry I wasn't around to...
I was at a conference.

And then Cindy called and said there
were two agents from the FBI here.

Oh, no.

Now, Chief, listen, before...

No, no, no.
I am so sorry.

I am so sorry. Molly, these
guys aren't interested in...

(SIGHS)

Let's meet in my office.

Have you seen this?

Have I seen this?

Son, this thing's been
giving me nightmares.

Come on, now.
That's not fair.

She did tell you
that we caught the guy

responsible for
killing the wife?

Didn't she?

Uh, the brother Nygaard and
he had the bloody hammer...

So you don't care
about the fact

that this Malvo character was
seen with Lester at the hospital?

Or that he ended up in Duluth in
direct conflict with these other two?

No, because that, uh...

What happened in Duluth...

I'm gonna call HQ and let them
know we'll be staying the night.

We can take another run
at Lester tomorrow.

Is there a motel?

Um, yeah, sure. I can...
I'll get you directions.

This is tremendous work,
Deputy. Impressive.

Yeah, I better just...

(SIGHS)

Come on.

Okay-

All set. Ready to go?

What? I thought
we weren't gonna go.

Acapulco, here we come.

Oh, my God.

You betcha.
I talked to the deputy.

She said, "Sure, go."

So now, we just gotta swing by the
office and pick up the passports.

What about my coat?

Oh, you're not gonna need a
winter coat where we're going.

You know I had a crush on
you right from when we met.

Hmm.

Oh, Yeah'?

Swear to God.

Used to sit at my desk

and dream about
you leaving your wife

or somehow getting
her out of the picture.

Not that I wanted...
No, of course not.

Nothing wrong with dreaming.

Oh, I agree...
Like Cinderella.

Yeah?

I remember when I was three.

And I told you how we
came over to America,

settled in Minnesota,
my folks bought the motel?

Yeah?

Well, they put me
right to work.

Just“ Laundry at first...

Then making the beds
and cleaning the rooms.

You don't even wanna know the
disarray people leave behind.

I bet.

One time...
I'll never forget this.

I was changing the sheets
on a king size, and I'm...

Suddenly, I'm like,
"What's that smell?"

Well, the guest had...

He made a BM between the
mattress and the box spring.

What?

I guess he took the
mattress off and did it,

and then made the bed
back up, which...

It's a lot simpler
just to go to the toilet.

My point being...

That while I was cleaning up
I had this dream that someone,

a man... Would come along and
take me away from all this.

And then I met you.

And here we are.

And we're going to Acapulco.

I thought we were
going to the shop?

We are.
(CLEARS THROAT)

You know how icy it
gets right out front.

(TRAIN BELL DINGING)

Lester?

You know I hate
to do this, but...

I kind of
tweaked my back before,

getting the luggage
out of the car.

Oh, you poor baby.

So do you think
you could run in?

The passports are in the safe.
There's some cash in there too.

Can you...
Will you do that for me?

Of course, hon.
Thanks.

Linda?

Hmm.

It's cold out there.

You're sweet.

Oh, uh.

Put your hood up, huh?

I'd hate for your
pretty face to freeze.

(TRAIN BELL DINGING)

(GASPS)

(SIGHS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)