Fantasy Island (1977–1984): Season 3, Episode 6 - The Red Baron/Young at Heart - full transcript

(BELL TOLLING)

The plane! The plane!

Good morning, boss.

Good morning, Tattoo.

Don't you see anything
different about me?

Oh, now that you
mention it, yes.

I have a feeling you are
imitating the Frankenstein monster.

Though I am at a complete
loss to explain why.

Well, it's to scare off the people
who pick on me because of my size.

Well, with all due respect,

may I suggest that you imitate the
Frankenstein monster at some other time



and meet me at the plane dock
to welcome our incoming guests?

Or have you forgotten?

Frankenstein!

Smiles, everyone! Smiles!

(HORN HONKING)

(WOMEN GASPING)

ROARKE: Mr. Cornelius
Wisselfaber,

a locksmith and Boy Scout
leader from Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

What's his fantasy?

He's an expert on the
first World War, Tattoo.

More especially, the
Flying Aces of that war.

Now this year his scout troop has
asked him to give a lecture on this,

his favorite subject.

TATTOO: What
does he want from us?



The opportunity to
experience the Great War,

as it was called, first hand.

He's a fine pilot, Tattoo,
and for this weekend

he wants to be a Flying
Ace of World War I.

World War I? Boss,
can we really do that?

ROARKE: Miss Helen Philips
from Poughkeepsie, New York.

She has spent her entire adult
life caring for hospital patients

on a volunteer basis,

while working as a
librarian at Vassar College.

TATTOO: What's
her fantasy, boss?

Miss Philips wants
to shed half her age.

She wants to be
25 years old again.

Boss, can you really fix it
that she be 25 years old again?

My dear guests, I am
Mr. Roarke, your host.

Welcome to Fantasy Island.

Here we are.

(GRUNTS)

Well, gentlemen, shall we go?

Wow, this is unbelievable!

Why, it's almost an exact replica
of a World War I officer's club.

Yes, in fact it's very
like the headquarters

of the famed group
of American pilots

who came over on their own
to fight alongside the French.

The Lafayette Escadrille.

Precisely.

You amaze me, Mr. Roarke.

They were the greatest
heroes of the war.

They had such fantastic
style and "eelan."

Elan. Oh, they had that
too, huh? That's great.

Will they be part of my
fantasy too, Mr. Roarke?

Perhaps.

Um, I had hoped to offer a toast
to your adventure, Mr. Wisselfaber.

Wieselfarber.

Wieselfarber. But the liquor
cabinet seems to be locked.

Ah, well, a lock has
not been invented

that can keep
this locksmith out.

My pick cover.

And my pick.

You don't get to see locks
like this much anymore.

Uh, brandy? Perfect.

(CLEARS THROAT)

No, thank you.

To Manfred Count von Richthofen.

The greatest Flying
Ace of them all.

Von who?

Von Richthofen, Tattoo.
He was called the Red Baron.

Well, Mr. Wisselfaber.

Wieselfarber.

Wieselfarber.

Tattoo and I must
get back to our guests.

I hope your fantasy lives
up to your expectations.

Oh, uh, you do
understand, don't you,

that if you can go back
to the era you wish,

you will be quite beyond my
help should you encounter trouble.

Yes, well, I owe this one
to my boys, Mr. Roarke.

It's my only real chance to
tell them about the Great War

and I can't pass it up.

Well, in that case,
Mr. Wisselfaber...

Wieselfarber. Wieselfarber.

À votre santé.

(STUTTERING)

Down the hatch.

Come, Tattoo.

(EXHALES)

Mr. Roarke!

Mr. Roarke!

What happens now?

Mr. Roarke!

That Mr. Roarke is amazing.

I really am back in World War I.

(AIRPLANES HUMMING)

Is that Courvoir?

No, it's Frank. I think
Courvoir went out

with that first wave of Fokkers.

Thought the boss was
running out of planes and pilots.

That new triplane of theirs makes
me feel like I'm flying a rowboat.

Well, howdy, I'm Tex.

Oh, hi. You the new hero?

The new hero, yes.

Well, my name is Cornelius
Wisselfaber... Uh, Wieselfarber.

Oh, yeah, Wieselfarber.

I saw your name
on the roster sheet.

You did?

Hey, you clowns! Come here
and meet the certified hero

they sent over
to save your tails.

PILOT: Oh, boy.

Come on, Corney. It's eat,
drink and be merry time.

Tomorrow we die.

Forget tomorrow. You're due
up in the air right after lunch.

Oh, wow. That's
terrific. Do I get a plane?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Mr. Roarke, can you really
make me look 25 again?

Tattoo. Thank you.

The liquid in this vial
contains a very special potion.

Certain legends claim it can give the
appearance of youth, if only temporarily.

The vial contains three doses,

each to be taken precisely
at 12-hour intervals,

if you are to
maintain the effect.

Now just drinking that is
going to make me young again?

There's only one
way you can find out.

Boss, don't you think
she should sit down first?

Perhaps Tattoo is right. Won't
you sit down, Miss Philips?

Tattoo. Tattoo?

(GASPS)

Mr. Roarke, this is incredible.

What do I do now?

Well, I would say now, Miss Philips,
you begin to enjoy your fantasy.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(MEN WHISTLING)

(GROANS)

I beg your pardon.
Did I get you wet?

Yes, yes you did.

I'm David Hanks.

Uh, Helen Philips.

Uh, are you solo?

Yeah, yeah. Yes, I am.

In that case I wouldn't be
jeopardizing life and limb

if I asked you for
a drink, would I?

Are you Captain
Wieselfarber, sir? Yes, I am.

Is this my plane,
Corporal? Yes, sir, it is.

Good. It is? Are you
kidding me? That's fantastic.

Why, Corporal, do you
know that this is a real S.E.5?

Yes, sir, it is. I've
been waiting for you.

And, sir, you're already 10
minutes late taking off for the patrol.

Very well, Corporal.
Here we go now.

(CLICKS)

Always test your guns
before you take off.

Remember that, Corporal.

Yes, sir.

All right, Corporal, let's
get this thing off the ground.

Ignition. Contact.

All right, you
Huns. Here I come.

WIESELFARBER: This has got to be
the greatest fantasy in the whole world.

Out of my way, you clouds.
Here comes Ace Wieselfarber.

Eat your hearts out, you
groundhogs down there.

(GUNS FIRING)

A red triplane.

A red triplane?

The Red Baron flew one of those.

(GUNS FIRING)

Hey what are you
trying to do, kill me?

(ENGINE STALLING)

What the heck kind
of fantasy is this?

Helen, today was wonderful.

Sailing, snorkeling,
water skiing.

I feel like a
born-again teenager.

David, I've had
a marvelous time.

Uh, you are Mr. Roarke?

Yes, what can I do for you, sir?

My name is Crane. George Crane.

How do you do, Mr. Crane?

I am looking for a lady
named Helen Philips.

Her landlady said that she
came here to Fantasy Island.

I see. And what is your interest
in Miss Philips, if I may ask?

(STAMMERING) I
am going to marry her.

Oh, you and Miss Philips
are engaged, are you?

No. Oh?

Not exactly.

No?

(STAMMERING) What I mean is...

Sit down, Mr. Philips.

Thank you.

(SIGHS) Yes. You were saying?

See, I have been working as head
librarian at Vassar for the past 20 years.

And for 15 of those years,

I have been kind
of sweet on Helen.

Sweet enough that,
uh, we go to dinner

and the movies
every Saturday night.

So, I figured that we
would be husband and wife

by the end of the year.

Uh, at her age, she really
doesn't have too much of a choice.

Where is Helen, Mr. Roarke?

Well, as a matter of fact we do
have a Helen Philips on the island.

Would you take a
look out this window?

(CLEARS THROAT)

ROARKE: Is that your fiancee?

No.

(STAMMERING) That
girl is a lot younger.

Oh, it is quite obvious that
a mistake has been made.

I'll arrange passage for
you on the next flight out.

Uh, no, Mr. Roarke,
you see, my Helen

is still somewhere
on this island.

Well, I plan to find
her and take her...

take her back home with me.

I can't believe it.

What, Helen? That I had
a marvelous time with you?

No, no. No, that you're
an automotive engineer.

I mean, you look so young.

You see, at heart I'm a closet
racecar driver, every chance I get.

And the engineering
helps support my habit.

A young Barney
Oldfield. Hmm, I like that.

How do you know
about Barney Oldfield?

I mean, he did his driving
before you were born.

(CHUCKLES) Why, I read about
him. Librarians do read, you know.

Listen, um, Mr. Roarke is
hosting a masquerade ball tonight.

It's a "come as your
own fantasy" affair.

And what, Miss Philips, may I ask,
are you going to masquerade as?

That, Mr. Hanks, is for me
to know and you to find out.

See you.

(IN FRENCH ACCENT)
He is coming around.

Yeah.

That flying fool
nearly killed me.

Some fantasy.

Where am I? Who are you people?

I am Monique. This is my father.

And these are my brothers.

You're all right, monsieur?

Uh, sure, I'm fine.

Takes more than
a knock in the head

to ground old Corney
Weezen... Woozen...

Where's my plane?

We have hidden it
from the Germans.

Our men will repair it tonight.

You are very lucky, monsieur.

Few men have battled the Red
Baron and lived to tell about it.

Yes, well, that's all
very well and good,

but if you'll just tell me how I
can get back to Roarke's house...

The Red Baron?

Then it really was him.

We found this when we were
hiding your plane, monsieur.

A lock pick.

Allied Intelligence would
never send an American pilot.

(SHUSHES)

Monsieur, you are not the expert

with locks we have requested?

One who can speak German?

If you are from Allied
Intelligence, monsieur,

then you would
know the code words.

Uh, the code words.

Uh, yes, the code words.

Could you give me a hint?

He's a spy.

That's it. He is a spy.

Fools, do you not see
that he has hit his head

and cannot remember anything?

Bien. Monique is right.

We must get the
Boche plans tonight.

If he is a spy, it is
a risk we must take.

If he's a spy, I will kill
him with my bare hands.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

I trust your fantasy is
working out well, Miss Philips.

Thanks to you.

Miss Philips, I
should remind you

that there is a time
limit on your fantasy.

Mr. Roarke, I know
how old I really am.

Ah, Tattoo, I see you
have a new disguise

to discourage people
from picking on you, eh?

How do you like
it? Fearful, hmm?

Very fearful,
Tattoo. A real terror.

I'm surprised that the ladies would
even dance with such a monster as you.

No problem, boss. Watch.

(WHISTLES)

Excuse me.

Oh, did I frighten
you, Miss Philips?

You know my name?

If you'll excuse me,

I have other
guests to attend to.

Mr. Roarke, what are
you trying to do to me?

I'm afraid I don't
understand, Miss Philips.

You know perfectly well
who George Crane is.

Are you trying to
sabotage my fantasy?

Perhaps I'm
trying to enhance it.

Look, George is all right,

and I owe him an explanation
sometime, but I can't do it now.

As you wish, Miss Philips.
Will you excuse me?

It is you, isn't it?

(SIGHING) Yeah, I don't know
what is going on around here.

Or how you did this.

But I do know
one thing for sure.

You are Helen Philips from
Poughkeepsie, New York.

I'm terribly sorry, but
you're making a big mistake.

(GRUNTS) Helen
it's me, George Crane.

You're hurting me.

Something wrong here?

Please go.

I know that I'm right.

I asked if something's wrong.

Helen!

Friend of yours?

Oh, case of mistaken identity.

Would you care to dance?

Mmm-hmm.

Um, in case you hadn't
guessed, I'm Barney Oldfield.

Oh.

Helen, do you believe
in love at first dance?

I didn't...

until now.

Ah, this is not going
to work, Monique.

I mean, I speak a little Milwaukee
German, but this is ridiculous.

I mean, why don't you just
tell me where my plane is

and let me go back to it?

I understand, brave one.

You're like the bird
with the wings clipped.

You wish to be in the sky
dueling with the Boche.

Yes, well, I did come
here to fly, not to spy.

But, please, we cannot get
the plans from Richthofen's safe

without an expert locksmith.

Well, I just can't go walking right
into von Richthofen's headquarters.

But you can. It is a party to
honor Baron von Richthofen.

The Red Baron will
be there in person?

Cornelius, we need
you. I need you.

Besides, if you do not go
in, my papa will shoot you.

In that case...

(IN GERMAN ACCENT) It will
be my pleasure to risk my life

for such a brave woman.

Very gallant, mon cheri.

(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

(MAN SINGING IN GERMAN)

The one in the center, that is
Manfred, Baron von Richthofen,

otherwise known
as the Red Baron.

That is Goring.

Goring, huh. Goring?
Hermann Goring?

Oui. He has just
one the Blue Max

for shooting down
his 22nd plane.

Have you heard of him?

Yes, I've heard of him.

But how do you know them?

I have been here often.

There is much of value
that a woman can learn.

The safe is through that
door in the Baron's office.

Ah, Monique, such a
pleasure to see you.

You will favor us
with a song tonight?

Not tonight, Manfred.

Captain, uh...

(IN GERMAN ACCENT) Wieselfarber.

(SPEAKS GERMAN)

May I say it is a great pleasure

to meet you after
all these years?

I am Manfred to everyone here.

I hope you two have not succumbed
to the Red Baron mystique.

Typical propaganda,
Captain Wieselfarber.

Useful now only to ensure a continuous
stream of naive German youths,

marching off proudly by the
thousands to glorious slaughter.

Tell me, Captain Wieselfarber,

there is something
very familiar about you.

Have we, perhaps, met before?

No. Uh, nein. What I mean is

I have just returned
from the Russian front.

But your face, I
have seen it before.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Yes, well that is
what everyone says.

You see, I have
one of those faces

that look like
everyone else's faces.

Face.

But enough about me, Baron.

Tell me, how does it feel to
be the world's greatest pilot?

Frustrating, my friend.

The more I shoot down,
the more they send up.

Sometimes I feel like
your General Custer

who waged such a gallant
battle at the Little Bighorn.

Yes, of course, that
was a brilliant victory.

"My General Custer"?

A slip of the tongue,
Captain Wieselfarber.

How could I possibly imagine
you to be an American?

(IN AMERICAN ACCENT)
Well, that's okay. Forget it.

(IN GERMAN ACCENT) Uh, what
I mean is we all make mistakes.

All of us.

Ja, ja.

Gustav.

Have him play something happy.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL SINGING IN GERMAN)

Got it.

There it is.

This is what we've been looking
for, all right. This stuff is dynamite.

Anybody found with this in their
hands could get their heads blown off.

GORING: You are right.

Of course, I'm right. I...

Hide this.

Helen, I have something I want to
say and I don't care how crazy it sounds.

I love you, and I
want to marry you.

Do you love me or do you
think you could learn to?

Well, then, what's your answer?

My answer's no.

You love me, but
you won't marry me?

That's right. Why?

David, we're just not meant
to spend our lives together.

Sorry, Helen, that's
not good enough.

It has to be.

Helen!

Say yes.

I can't think straight.

Say yes and you won't
have to think at all.

Uh, all right, yes.

Yes, what?

Yes, I love you.

Yes, I'll marry
you. Yes, yes, yes!

David, look out for the trees!

(GROANS)

(BOTH GROANING)

(HORSES NEIGHING)

David, are you all right?

I think so.

More embarrassed than hurt.

Must've hurt my ankle.
I have a bad sprain.

How about you?

Oh, I'm all right. Just
a couple of bruises.

Your face. So white.

ROARKE: The vial
contains three doses,

each to be taken precisely
at 12-hour intervals.

You'll have to help
me walk out of here.

No, David. You
stay. I'll go for help.

Don't be silly. We can make it.

No, it'll only make
your ankle worse.

Helen. I'll take a
shortcut. I'll be right back.

Helen!

(GROANS)

Oh, Mr. Roarke, I'm
so glad you came.

Our horses ran off
and the vial broke.

You've got to give
me more of the potion.

Oh, I'm afraid that's not
possible, Miss Philips.

Not possible?

It's my fantasy. I paid for it.

Your fantasy was to be 25 again

and experience
young love. Wasn't it?

Please, Mr. Roarke, you
can't let it end like this.

He loves me. He really loves me

and he wants to marry me.

What you are
doing, Miss Philips,

if you forgive me,
is worshipping youth.

A wise man once
told me, "Worship age,

"then you will always
have life to look forward to.

"Worship youth and you
declare your own obsolescence."

Worship age? Yes.

How can I worship age when
everything belongs to the young?

Please, Mr. Roarke, you've
got to give me more time. Please!

Very well.

We'll go back to the house
and I'll give you another vial

and another 12 hours.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

MONIQUE: Mon cheri,
if we are to be separated

and anything
should happen to me,

I wish you to have this.

It's beautiful. Thank you.

I'm just sorry I
failed you, Monique.

Sorry I failed to get the plans.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

It doesn't make any difference.

I'm a World War I buff.

I know everything
that's going to happen.

Look, if I shouldn't make it,

if something should
happen to me,

tell your friends that there
will be a new German offensive

on June 27th at Chateau-Thierry.

But I do not understand. How could
you know about the German offensive?

Never mind. Come on.

They haven't invented a lock
that this locksmith can't open.

Good day for flying.

Don't tell me that
wasn't you talking.

That was not me. I asked
you not to tell me that.

Your plane is that way, I think.

Perhaps you will be my first
American, Captain Wieselfarber.

I don't understand. Why
are you letting us go?

Four years ago I rode off
on an exciting little adventure.

A young cavalry scout
racing wildly across the fields...

And now the trenches
are running with blood.

Eleven million dead.

What is to understand,
Captain Wieselfarber?

It is all madness.

At least up there we
will be on equal terms.

Better hurry.

Monique, what is today's date?

Come, Cornelius. What
is today's date, Monique?

April 21st.

April 21st.

The Baron is gonna
be killed today.

By you?

(AIR RAID ALARM WAILING)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

DAVID: Helen, are you there?

Helen? Helen?

David?

DAVID: Why'd you run away?

Open the door. I...
I don't understand.

(SIGHS) I've been lying
to myself and to you.

(GLASS SHATTERS)

Don't look at me. Not just yet.

Mr. Roarke was right.

It's time I worship
what I really am.

I'm not 25, David.

I'm old enough
to be your mother.

And here I thought
I'd fallen in love

with the most beautiful
young woman in the world.

Stop it! Just stop it.
I've suffered enough.

We've both suffered
enough, Helen.

I've been trying to build
up the courage to tell you.

My vial was destroyed in
that fall off the horse, too.

(STAMMERING) You're...

Fifty-two years old.

I had a fantasy too.

Twenty-five years ago in
Poughkeepsie, I was a fireman.

I was injured.

Nearly cost me my life.

I was hospitalized for months

and this angel of mercy

would come by every
chance she'd get.

She was my only reason to live.

And I fell in love with her.

Suddenly I was moved
to another hospital.

Plastic surgery.

We lost touch.

Helen, my fantasy was you.

But I never thought
Roarke would take

such a roundabout
way to deliver it.

Let's not look gift horses
in the mouth, David.

Not at this late date.

Do you think after
the war maybe...

Anything's possible, Monique.

But whatever happens,
I'll never forget you.

(MEN SHOUTING IN GERMAN)

Hurry, you must go.

Ignition. Contact.

(GUNS FIRING)

(GUNS FIRING)

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

Maybe today, but not by me.

Boss, the guests
are starting to arrive.

Oh.

Oh, I do hope George Crane
doesn't show up as an uninvited guest.

Don't worry.

When he heard you
were getting married,

he took the first plane home.

But not before asking me to wish
you all the happiness in the world.

Oh, we better hurry.

After the ceremony, you are due
on the schooner that will take you

on your honeymoon
trip around the world.

TATTOO: Around the
world? ROARKE: Yes.

Boss, that's great. Will you do
the same thing when I get married?

Of course, Tattoo. When
do you think that might be?

Oh, um, when I'm,
uh... When I'm 50.

The perfect age for marriage.

Well, Mr. Wieselfarber,

ready to return to
your Boy Scout troop

and tell them of the
glories of World War I?

You've cured me
of that, Mr. Roarke.

I'm no longer a hero
worshiper of those Flying Aces.

Besides, I think that
the romance of war

is a subject that shouldn't
be taught to children.

ROARKE: Something
troubling you, Mr. Wieselfarber?

Did you ever get the feeling
you were living in the wrong time?

I think I know the feeling, yes.

Mr. Roarke, I was wondering,
uh, perhaps maybe someday soon

you could transport
me back to France.

You know, right after World
War I, say, 1919, 1920.

That is a very unusual request
to want to return to a fantasy.

But, why don't you come
back in six months or so,

and if it still means
that much to you...

It will, Mr. Roarke. It will.

And this time, I
think I might stay.

Au revoir.

Goodbye, Mr. Wieselfarber.

(WOMEN GIGGLING)

Tattoo, I've been
hesitating to ask,

but I've never seen you
in dark glasses before.

I'd rather you don't ask, boss.

(SIGHS)

Oh, I know, it was
the jealous fiance

of that beautiful girl
you dated last night.

No, it was not.

It wasn't? Then who was it?

Him.

(CHATTERING)

I dressed him in
a Godzilla outfit,

and he punched me in the eye.

He...

(LAUGHING)