Fantasy Island (1977–1984): Season 3, Episode 3 - Tattoo: the Love God/Magnolia Blossoms - full transcript

The plane! The plane!

Well, good morning,
Tattoo. Good morning.

It certainly is a lovely day.

If you say so, boss.

Tattoo?

Come on, boss, let's
go meet our guests.

Wait, Tattoo. What is happening?

Boss, we're late. Let's go.

Smiles! Smiles, everyone!

Tattoo, will you tell
me what's happening?

Oh, nothing much, boss. We have
a very special guest coming today.



A very special guest? Who?

Oh, here are some
of the guests coming.

Mmm, they are beautiful
ladies. Who are they, boss?

Miss Myra Collinsky
and Miss Gladys Boylin

all the way from Terre
Haute, Indiana, where

they are nurses in
the county hospital.

What's that stuff
they're carrying?

Oh, they are posters of
their favorite movie stars.

Oh, that's Clark Gable and Leslie
Howard from Gone with the Wind.

Indeed it is, my friend.

Miss Collinsky and Miss Boylin are
the world's greatest fans of that film.

Both have seen it 135 times.

And it is their joint fantasy to
be a woman like Scarlett O'Hara

and fall in love with someone
like Rhett Butler or Ashley Wilkes.



They both want to be
like Scarlett O'Hara?

Yes, or someone very like her.

But, boss, how can we bring
them back to the Civil War?

That's strange.

What's that, boss?

Our next guest, a Mr. Oottat,
is supposed to be on the plane,

but I don't see him.

Maybe Mr. Oottat
is already here.

Already here. How
could that be possible?

Because Mr. Oottat is me.

How do you spell
Oottat backwards?

Oottat, Tattoo. Tattoo, you?

Right, me.

Well, that's very
inventive, my friend.

Do I take it you want
to live out a fantasy?

Sure, you already made all the preparation
for it, when you got the letter.

Oh, yes, yes, yes. The letter,
which you now say came from you.

Now, let me see if I remember.

Um, uh, "Dear Mr. Roarke.

"I am a very highly thought of
executive in a responsible job

"which requires me to handle a variety
of people and accommodate there needs."

By the way, you
misspelled "their."

Well, nobody's
perfect. Continue.

"I want my own
needs fulfilled for once.

"Therefore, it is my fantasy to
be admired, adored and loved

"by many beautiful women and
to be the master of all I survey.

"Yours truly, Mr. H. L. Oottat."

"H. L."?

Hot Lips.

Boss, you're gonna give
me my fantasy. Please?

My dear guests, and Mr. Oottat,

I am Mr. Roarke, your host.
Welcome to Fantasy Island.

Hello, foxy baby.

Beat it, shrimpo.

Tattoo, I've been
looking for you.

Boss, I was looking for you,
too. And I'm really steamed.

What seems to be the difficulty?

My fantasy.

Women were supposed
to go banana over me.

Yes.

I struck out 10 times and
one lady hit me with her purse.

Tattoo, you of all
people should know

that a fantasy is not an
automatic occurrence.

Certain adjustments have to be
made. The proper time must arrive.

Be patient a little longer.

Why don't you have a coconut
boom-boom while you wait?

Ooh la la, boss,
she's a dynamite chick.

How come I never
saw her around here?

Luana just started today. She
lives on one of the outermost islands,

so she has quite a bit to learn.

Well, enjoy your drink.

Can I have a coconut
boom-boom, please?

Nooyeeowee!

Now I cannot even get
a girl to serve me a drink.

Some fantasy. Hmm.

Luana, what's wrong?

Nooyeeowee! Look!

It is Nooyeeowee.

After so many years,
we've finally found him.

Uh-huh.

Don't let him out of your
sight. I will tell the others.

Nooyeeowee. Nooyeeowee.

Nooyeeowee. Nooyeeowee.
Nooyeeowee. Nooyeeowee. Nooyeeowee.

Nooyeeowee.
Nooyeeowee. Nooyeeowee!

Nooyeeowee! Nooyeeowee!

Nooyeeowee. Nooyeeowee.

Nooyeeowee. Nooyeeowee.
Nooyeeowee. Nooyeeowee.

Nooyeeowee. Nooyeeowee.
Nooyeeowee. Nooyeeowee. Nooyeeowee.

Our prayers have been answered.

Nooyeeowee has been found.
You know what must be done.

We give thanks,
Nooyeeowee, God of Love.

Thanks that you will soon
be among us once more.

Mr. Roarke, would
you look at us?

These terrific dresses were in our
bungalow. Wherever did you find them?

You both look utterly charming.

Antebellum womanhood
at its peak of perfection.

Why, sir, aren't you
the one with the words?

I'll bet all the ladies
in Atlanta purely swoon

after a fine gentleman like you.

When does our fantasy
begin, Mr. Roarke?

When can we be Scarlett O'Hara?

Oh, I'm sorry, ladies.

I'm afraid there's been an
enormous misunderstanding.

Well, you can't possibly
be Scarlett O'Hara herself.

You mean we don't
get our fantasy?

Well, you see, Gone with
the Wind was a piece of fiction.

I could hardly send you to
a place that never existed,

except in Margaret
Mitchell's imagination.

You mean, we don't get
to be Southern belles at all?

Oh, there is an alternative where
you might be Southern heroines,

like Scarlett O'Hara,
if that is acceptable.

It's acceptable, of
course. But how?

Well, you see,

somewhat like the phenomenon that
sometimes occurs in the Bermuda Triangle.

On certain rare occasions,
here on Fantasy Island,

a strange geomagnetic
condition develops,

one which allows a person
to step back into another time.

You mean, back to
Georgia, during the Civil War?

Can you really do that?

If conditions are right, yes.

But I must warn you.
It could be dangerous.

You must return when I
tell you or be trapped forever.

Atlanta, here we come.

What do we do now?

Well, you simply step into this
buggy and start off down that road.

Thank you.

Oh, Mr. Roarke,

if we can't be Scarlett
O'Hara, who should we be?

Yes. You might call
yourself Magnolia Blossoms.

It was the code name of a legendary
Angel of Mercy for the Confederacy.

The Florence Nightingale of
the South, many called her.

Oh, the doors of any
great plantation house

would be honored to
open for such a grand lady.

Magnolia, honey,
what are we waiting for?

Bye now.

You see, I'm the real mind behind
all Fantasy Island operations.

I don't let it go to
my head, though.

But let's not talk about
me. Let's talk about you.

Hey, come back, you silly girl.

Don't be shy. I'll find you.

Come out, come
out, wherever you are.

Ahh! Help! Put me down!

What's going on? Put
me down! Help! Help!

You set me up, you
traitor. Help! Help!

Do not be angry, Nooyeeowee.

We are only taking
you to our island

where all wait to greet
you as our God of Love.

What did you say?

The God of Love. That is
what Nooyeeowee means.

All our people
are waiting for you.

Hmm, God of Love. Mm-hmm.

Tell me, are there many beautiful
girls like you on your island?

Many more beautiful than me.

Well, in that case, let's go.

What are you waiting
for? Paddle. Faster! Faster!

You see anything?

Maybe it isn't gonna work.

Hello? Anybody there?

Guess not.

Wait a minute. I
think I hear something.

Sounds like thunder. It
must be raining ahead.

Whoa.

Whoa! Whoa!

Oh, no!

Whoa! Whoa! What's going on?

Oh!

Let's get out of here.

Will you look at that?
Those are real bullet holes.

What's the matter
with that Mr. Roarke?

Does he think we came to
Fantasy Island to join the army?

Who's that? Whoa!

Ma'am? Help me, please?

Looks like a gunshot wound.

Just like home.

Emergency receiving
on Saturday night.

Come on.

Are you hurting bad?

Pretty bad, ma'am.

I think you're
gonna be all right.

Here.

I'm sorry.

I done real good in
the fightin', ma'am.

I was right behind the
captain and we was chargin'.

Only trouble was I...

I didn't even see who shot me.

Let's get him in
the buggy. Right.

Up you go, easy. Okay?

Easy does it.

Watch it.

This fantasy sure is a
bust. If that Mr. Roarke

was here, I'd tell
him a thing or two.

What would you tell
me, Miss Collinsky?

Oh, very well done.

Even if you don't
like your fantasy,

I'm sure this young man
will always be grateful for it.

He'd most certainly have
bled to death without your help.

We were happy
to help, Mr. Roarke,

but we sure didn't bargain
for all this shooting and stuff.

But, ladies, you wanted to
come back to the Civil War era

and there was a Civil
War during that era.

Gettysburg and Shiloh,
Bull Run and Richmond.

We know all that really
happened, Mr. Roarke.

But, well, we wanted
it to be different.

Like in Gone with
the Wind at Tara,

with Scarlett and Rhett
and Melanie and Ashley.

Well, everything was pretty
and everyone loved each other.

That's what we
wanted to be a part of.

I see.

Well, I am very sorry things
haven't worked out as you wished.

We can only hope
they will improve.

In the meantime, your
patient needs help.

I believe there is a house down
this road where you can leave him.

Oh, no. Here they come again.
What do we do, Mr. Roarke?

Mr. Roarke?

Come on. Hyah!

Are we there yet?

Soon, Nooyeeowee.

Paddle, but don't go
over such big waves.

Nooyeeowee.

Nooyeeowee!
Nooyeeowee! Nooyeeowee!

Nooyeeowee! Nooyeeowee!

Nooyeeowee! Nooyeeowee!

Where are we?

This is your home, Nooyeeowee.

Home. Your people
are calling you.

Well, let's go.

Nooyeeowee! Nooyeeowee!
Nooyeeowee! Nooyeeowee!

Nooyeeowee! Nooyeeowee!
Nooyeeowee! Nooyeeowee!

Well, good old Nooyeeowee.
When you got it, you gotta use it.

Nooyeeowee! Nooyeeowee!

Nooyeeowee! Nooyeeowee!

Nooyeeowee! Nooyeeowee!

Nooyeeowee!

Welcome, Nooyeeowee.

Nooyeeowee! Nooyeeowee!

Nooyeeowee! Nooyeeowee!

Nooyeeowee! Nooyeeowee!

Nooyeeowee!
Nooyeeowee! Nooyeeowee!

Nooyeeowee! Nooyeeowee!

Nooyeeowee! Nooyeeowee!

Wow! The boss
really did it this time.

For many tides, there
have been no fish in the sea

and my people have been hungry.

So I have prayed for the return
of Nooyeeowee, God of Love,

who brings forth riches
from the deep waters.

And now my prayers have been
answered. Let us all bow to Nooyeeowee

and do his bidding for he has
returned to bring us good fortune.

Oh, Nooyeeowee, please take me.

Oh, no, take me. Take me.

Hold it, girls. Hold it.

I take you. No, I take you. No you. Oh,
it's no use. I cannot make up my mind.

I take you all.

Whoa! Would you help us, please?

Ladies, may I have
your attention, please?

In her hour of need,

the Confederacy has called upon
her sons to defend her sacred soil.

But now, she must call upon
her daughters to give all they can.

In short, ladies, we need
hard money, gold, to buy guns

for General Beauregard's troops,

who at this very moment are
facing the rampaging hordes

of that devil Sherman not
20 miles from this very spot.

May I have your hat, sir?

Please, ma'am.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

And you, madame? Thank you.

It's better to have your men
back, than the rings they represent.

Thank you, ma'am.

This is just like the scene where
Melanie donates Ashley's ring.

We don't have a
wedding ring between us.

That's not the first
time I've noticed that.

Look, it's Ashley and Rhett
just like in Gone with the Wind.

Isn't he beautiful?

He's gorgeous.

Ladies, would you
like to contribute?

The purses that
Mr. Roarke gave us.

Maybe there's
something in there.

Yeah.

Is this all right?

Ma'am, a magnificent
gift. A magnificent gift!

Madame, you must forgive me.

But I seem to have
forgotten your name.

Oh, uh, it's Magnolia.
Magnolia Blossoms.

Magnolia Blossoms?

The Confederate Angel of
Mercy. I should have known.

Madame, this house is
honored to welcome you.

Why, thank you, sir.

General Lee has stated that
you are worth an entire brigade

to the army of
Northern Virginia.

And General Sherman promised
to jail you for the entire war,

if he ever catches you.

Miss Magnolia, you must promise me
the first dance at the cotillion tonight.

Please.

I'm sorry, Lieutenant, the
lady promised that dance to me.

And yours to me, I hope.

You ladies know Captain
Rawlins and Captain Hampstead?

Ma'am,

why don't we step
inside. It's much cooler.

It's a grand day for Six Oaks.

Three heroes of our
cause under our roof

and each one under that devil
Sherman's sentence of death.

Ride back through the lines to
General Sherman's headquarters.

Tell him our man was right.

Fine catch of Southern
dandies down there at Six Oaks.

Among them are
Rawlins and Hampstead.

Yes, sir.

No more grapes. No more
mango. They give me bellyache.

Nooyeeowee is ready
to hear your problems.

You first, buddy.

Oh, Wise Nooyeeowee,

I say this goat belongs to me because
I found it wandering in my garden.

No, the goat belongs to me.

I can't help it if it went for a
walk and wandered over there.

Hear the judgment of Nooyeeowee.

Where is your wife?

She is visiting his
wife in his garden.

You mean, she just
wandered around to visit?

Yes.

Well, in that case,

you keep the goat and he
can keep your wife. Next case.

A goat for a wife?
That's not a fair trade.

Then, give him back his goat.

Next case.

It is my turn, Nooyeeowee. I, Kona,
ask you to sanction my marriage to Luana.

Well, it's okay with me.

What about Luana? Luana,
you wanna marry, uh...

What's his name?

What's wrong? Did I
say something wrong?

I only asked if you
wanna marry him.

You wish my opinion, Nooyeeowee?

That's why I ask for.

No. I do not wish to marry him.

Well, in that case
you don't have to.

Next case. CROWD: Yeah. Yeah.

Give me a papaya.

You have taken Luana from me. You and
she must remember that gods rise and fall.

And when they fall, they are
but men. And men may die.

What a sore head.

Nooyeeowee, beware of him. He's
deadly dangerous. Now he hates you.

Don't worry. Us gods,
we don't scare easy.

Hey! Who wants to dance?

Mr. O'Grady called you captain.

Well, why aren't you in uniform?

I'm just a sailor, ma'am.

I know. A blockade runner.

You take cotton to England
and bring back guns.

Make money on both trips.

Well, I'm flattered
you've heard of me.

Actually, you remind me
very much of somebody

I've read about and
seen many times.

Do I detect that you're in
love with the gentleman?

I don't know if he's a
gentleman. But I love the type.

It's nothing that
couldn't be transferred.

To me, possibly?

Magnolia, I don't know
why I'm so attracted to you,

but it's though we were
meant to meet and love.

You'd love my home. It's very
beautiful and peaceful there.

I miss it very much.

I know. And as you enter,
you're facing a grand stairway.

Oak, very old and polished. And
it fans out at both sides at the top.

You've been there then.

Just guessing.

I'd like to show it to you.

I think you'd fit in
very well in my home.

Should we have a glass
of punch on the terrace?

I'd love it.

I think I love you.

I think I love you, too.

Excuse me. I must talk to
my cousin. I'll only be a minute.

Oh, I'm in love.

Oh, I think we've
both got it pretty bad.

Let's not change places. You
stay as Magnolia and have Rawlins

and I'll stay as Melody and
have Ashley. Uh, Hampstead.

You've got a deal.

Hampstead, the Blue
Bellies are outside.

Blue Bellies! Blue
Bellies are outside!

Blue Bellies! Blue
Bellies are outside!

I'm sorry, sir. Rawlins
and Hampstead got away.

Don't worry about it, Captain.

You still got the biggest catch.

Magnolia Blossoms, and
she's right here in this room.

Which one of you ladies is the
notorious Magnolia Blossoms?

I am. No, I am.

No, I am. I am.

I am.

No, I am.

Ladies, this way please.

I fooled you.

What's that? What's wrong?

What's wrong? What's that noise?

Wonderful news, Holy One.

A huge school of fish has
been sighted off the reef.

Good fishing has returned,
thanks to Nooyeeowee.

You have heard, Nooyeeowee,
your bounty has been returned to us.

I and my people thank you.

Don't mention it.

Nooyeeowee has delivered
the fish to his people.

And now, as it is foretold
in ancient legends,

he will deliver the catch
safely into our hands

and drive away the hungry
sharks that are attacking already.

Go quickly, Nooyeeowee!

Fly over the reef and drive the sharks
from the fish, which were meant for us.

Fly!

Fly! Fly! Fly!

Wait a minute! I can't fly
to drive the sharks away

unless you give me a
helicopter. I'm not a bird.

Look! I cannot help
myself. I'm not a bird!

I can't fly!

The Nooyeeowee is a false god.

He has mocked us
by bringing us fish,

which we must battle
the sharks to keep.

Yeah.

To the stockade with him.
And let us tend to our fishing.

As I said little one, when gods fall,
they are but men and men may die.

To the stockade!

Yeah!

Ahh! Down!

Put me down! Let
me go! Let me go!

Let me out! Let me out!

I'm your boss. Let me
out! I'm Nooyeeowee.

Open the door. Come back!

Oh, boy. I think I'm
in a lot of trouble.

Well, any regrets?

For having the best
time of my life? No way.

Yeah, me either.

Weren't they the prettiest
things you ever saw?

Gorgeous. And we'll
never see them again.

Whoa.

Hey. What?

Open up, trooper. We're from
General Sherman's headquarters.

We want to see the prisoners.

Look, it's them.

Why'd y'all come back?

Why, for you, of course.

You think we'd leave you
after what you did for us?

Came to get you out of here.

Look, we can continue
this better at my home.

Act like you're our prisoners

and we're taking you to
General Sherman's headquarters.

Open up, trooper!

Union uniforms, gentlemen?
That makes you spies.

The penalty for
that's the firing squad.

You may say goodbye
to the ladies, if you wish.

Oh, no.

This isn't the way
it's supposed to end.

This way, gentlemen.

That wall will do.

Gun powder. We gotta
do something. Come on.

Hit the dirt!

Come on.

Get after 'em!

Go! Go!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Why are we stopping here?

Ladies, you must
come with me now.

Oh, no, Mr. Roarke.
Please, not yet. Not yet.

I'm sorry. Your fantasy's over.

I think you'd better go with this
gentleman. I'm sure he knows what's best.

Without you, what'll
happen to me?

Frankly, my dear, I...

I very much give a damn.

Mr. Roarke, do they get away?

Only time will tell.

What is it?

The fishermen are returning. If
we hurry, there is still some time.

I've hidden a boat in the lagoon

and the other women of
the village have helped me.

When you allowed Luana to
speak her heart and to refuse Kona,

you gave courage to
all women of the island.

We wish to repay
you for that now.

Yes. We will not be dictated
to by men from this day forward.

Now, hurry.

Come on.

Hurry. Paddle up the river. That
is another way to leave our island.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

Goodbye. Thank you.

Bye.

No, not that way. Long,
even strokes. Even strokes.

Long strokes. That's
right. Long strokes.

Even strokes. Or
you'll never get away.

Long, even strokes.

Long, even strokes.

Long, even strokes.
Long, even strokes.

Faster, Nooyeeowee! Faster!

Boss, thank you. You saved me!

Boss, can you slow down?
Don't make so much big waves!

Hey, boss, slow down!

Thank you.

Well, ladies, was your
fantasy satisfactory?

Only partially, Mr. Roarke.

Oh?

It ended too soon. But
that wasn't your fault.

I'm sorry if you're gonna be
uncomfortable in the plane.

But we have some
more important guests.

Yes, several other fantasizers
will be returning with you.

Oh, that's okay.

I don't believe it.

You?

Yep. You see, my mother
was always a real nut

about Gone with the Wind. And by
the time I was eight, she kept telling me

that I looked like Rhett Butler.

And I heard that I looked
like Ashley for so long that

we had to live it just once.

Of course.

Thank you, Mr. Roarke.
Oh, you're very welcome.

Thank you. It's been
a pleasure. Goodbye.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Well, my friend, I hope
you're not too disappointed

that your reign as a love
god was, uh, rather brief.

Well, I'm not
disappointed at all.

As a matter of fact, I think
I'm much more mature now,

after my fantasy.

More mature? You?

Definitely.

Before I was Nooyeeowee,

the only thing I thought
was wild girls, wild parties...

No.

But now I'm into a
much seriouser hobby.

Oh?

Stamp collecting.

Well, stamp collecting offers
many educational possibilities, yes.

And I'm gonna take
full advantage of it.

Good.

Please, Mr. Tattoo, will
you come teach me now?

Teach you what, Orellia?

To play a great new game Tattoo
told me about. It's called Post Office.