Fantasy Island (1977–1984): Season 2, Episode 6 - The War Games/Queen of the Boston Bruisers - full transcript

♪♪

[CLANGING]

THE PLANE! THE PLANE!

DO I UNDERSTAND
YOU'RE GRADUATING

FROM SOMETHING, TATTOO?

NO, BOSS. IT'S A NEW SCIENCE
OF PLANTING DIPLOMAS.

FOR 50 BUCKS, I CAN MAKE ANYBODY
A PH.D. IN ANYTHING THEY WANT.

YOU'RE RUNNING A DIPLOMA MILL?

WELL, BOSS, I THOUGHT THEY WILL
BRING SOME CLASS TO THE ISLAND.

I'M RUNNING A SPECIAL THIS WEEK.

FOR 10 BUCKS A PIECE, I CAN
MAKE YOU A BACHELOR DEGREE.



CHATTERING

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU ARE MAKING CHESTER A DOCTOR?

DON'T WORRY, BOSS. HE
CANNOT PRACTICE YET.

HE STILL OWE ME 30 POUNDS
OF BANANA FOR HIS TUITION.

OUR GUESTS ARE WAITING.

BOSS, BOSS! WAIT FOR ME!

SMILES, EVERYONE! SMILES!

♪♪

AH, MRS. DRUSILLA ROBERTS
OF BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS.

TATTOO: HMM, SHE
LOOKS FAMILIAR, BUT...

MR. ROARKE: WELL, OBVIOUSLY
YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE HER

WITHOUT A UNIFORM AND A HELMET.

TATTOO: DON'T TELL ME.
SHE'S ROWDY ROBERTS!



THE LEAD RUNNER ON
THE BOSTON BRUISER.

I WATCH IT ON TV ALL THE TIME.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

YES, IT IS INDEED ROWDY ROBERTS,

HAILED FAR AND WIDE AS
QUEEN OF THE ROLLER SKATERS.

I KNOW WHAT HER FANTASY IS.

WHAT?

SHE WANTS TO BEAT
UP HOOLIGAN HANREDDY

WITHOUT THE
REFEREE STOPPING HER.

HOOLIGAN HANREDDY?

YES. SHE'S ROWDY'S WORST ENEMY.

SHE'S A TERRIBLE WOMAN.

SHE SKATES FOR THE
CLEVELAND COMMANDOS.

I SEE. WELL, I'M HAPPY TO SAY

ROWDY WANTS SOMETHING
VERY DIFFERENT.

HER FANTASY FOR THE
WEEKEND IS TO BE A LADY, TATTOO.

ROWDY A LADY?

YES, MY FRIEND. YOU
SEE, SHE BELIEVES

HER DAUGHTER'S
HAPPINESS DEPENDS ON IT.

HMM.

MR. AND MRS. TED GARMAN.
HE'S A MAN ON HIS WAY UP,

PERHAPS DESTINED
FOR THE VERY TOP.

AS AN ASSISTANT
DISTRICT ATTORNEY,

HE'S MADE AN
ENVIABLE REPUTATION.

NOW HIS WIFE WANTS HIM TO
RUN FOR ATTORNEY-GENERAL.

WHAT'S HIS FANTASY,
OR IS IT HERS?

NEITHER. IT'S THE FANTASY

OF MR. JOE BECK, THE
OTHER GENTLEMAN.

YOU SEE, LIEUTENANT GARMAN
WAS A PLATOON LEADER IN VIETNAM.

NOW EX-SERGEANT BECK HAS
ASKED HIS LIEUTENANT HERE

TO RELIVE THE MOST EXCITING
EXPERIENCE OF THEIR LIVES...

THE THREE DAYS THEY
SPENT IN THE JUNGLE,

TRYING TO ESCAPE
FROM THE VIET CONG.

WHY WILL THEY WANT TO
GO THROUGH THAT AGAIN?

MR. BECK APPARENTLY
HAS HIS REASONS,

AND MR. GARMAN
COULD HARDLY REFUSE

WHEN HIS OLD
BUDDY PUT IT TO HIM,

AS A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH.

MY DEAR GUESTS, I AM
MR. ROARKE, YOUR HOST.

WELCOME TO FANTASY ISLAND!

A MEAL FIT FOR A QUEEN.

OH, TATTOO. THANK YOU.

OH, SON OF A GUN.
A GAL COULD SURE

OVERDOSE ON THE
CALORIES AROUND HERE.

MISS ROBERTS,

CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR, PLEASE,

AND SIGN MY AUTOGRAPH BOOK?

ONLY IF YOU DROP THE MRS.

JUST CALL ME ROWDY.

I'VE BEEN A WIDOW
FOR 12 YEARS NOW.

I CAN'T CALL YOU ROWDY.
YOUR IDENTITY IS TOP SECRET.

OH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

AH, MISS ROBERTS. ARE
YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF?

WELL, MR. ROARKE, I'D
ENJOY MYSELF A LOT MORE

IF I COULD FEEL SURE

THAT I COULD PASS
MUSTER AS A REFINED LADY.

PASS MUSTER?

MY DAUGHTER'S MARRYING

INTO A SOCIALLY
PROMINENT FAMILY, TATTOO.

YOU EVER HEARD
OF WENDOVER STEEL?

WENDOVER STEEL, MM.
THEY HAVE A LOT OF MONEY.

MRS. ROBERTS FEARS THE WENDOVERS

WILL NOT ACCEPT HER
DAUGHTER SHIRLEY

IF THEY FIND OUT HER
MOTHER IS ACTUALLY

A PROFESSIONAL ROLLER SKATER
WITH THE BOSTON BRUISERS.

YOU MEAN THEY ARE SNOBS?

HEY, LOOK. JUST TELL
ME RIGHT OUT IF YOU THINK

YOU CAN'T DO IT. I MEAN, I
MAY BE A HOPELESS CASE.

OH, COME NOW, MRS.
ROBERTS. WHERE'S YOUR FAITH?

THIS IS FANTASY ISLAND,

AND HERE ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.

UH, DO YOU SEE THAT
GENTLEMAN OVER THERE?

BETTY: UH-HUH.

MR. ROARKE: HIS
NAME IS FELIX VAN DYKE.

HE WILL BE TEACHING
YOU THE SOCIAL GRACES.

TATTOO: I PICKED HIM UP MYSELF.

HE CAME HIGHLY RECOMMENDED
BY MY COUSIN HUGO.

YOUR COUSIN HUGO?

I THOUGHT, AFTER THAT
LAST BUSINESS DEAL WITH HIM,

WE AGREED...

BUT BOSS, THIS GUY'S A WINNER

AND VERY CHEAP.

UH, MRS. ROBERTS, MAY I
INTRODUCE MR. FELIX VAN DYKE.

WELL, IT'S A PLEASURE.

SO, YOU'RE GOING TO
TURN ME INTO A LADY, HUH?

WELL?

WELL?

OH, I GET IT. IT'S
A SORT OF JOKE.

A JOKE? WHAT DO
YOU MEAN BY A JOKE?

TATTOO, I COULD AS EASILY
TURN HER INTO A LADY

AS I COULD TURN YOU
INTO A BASKETBALL CENTER.

I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT WAS
TOO MUCH TO WISH FOR.

HONEY, WAIT, HONEY.

IF THIS JERK CANNOT
MAKE YOU A LADY,

I'M SURE THAT MR. ROARKE
AND I CAN HELP YOU.

MR. ROARKE CAN DO ANYTHING.

WELL, IF MY PROFESSIONAL
OPINION IS NOT TO BE RESPECTED...

I MUST APOLOGIZE FOR
MR. VAN DYKE'S RUDENESS,

MISS ROBERTS. I AM TRULY SORRY.

YOUR COUSIN HUGO.

MR. ROARKE?

IS WHAT TATTOO SAID RIGHT?

COULD YOU STILL MAKE ME A LADY?

IF YOU ARE CERTAIN THAT
IS REALLY WHAT YOU WANT.

OH, MR. ROARKE, ALL
MY LIFE WHAT I AM IS...

HAS JUST NEVER REALLY
BEEN GOOD ENOUGH.

WELL, I MEAN EVEN WHEN I
WAS A LITTLE GIRL, YOU KNOW,

I WAS HUSKY. I WAS STRONG.

I WAS BIG.

OH, DARN. I WAS UGLY.

I WAS SO UGLY, NOBODY
PAID ANY ATTENTION TO ME

UNLESS I OUT-BOYED THE BOYS.

OH...

IF COULD JUST PULL
IT OFF JUST THIS ONCE.

IF I COULD JUST...

BE FRILLY AND REFINED.

DON'T YOU SEE? I...

I WANT MY LITTLE GIRL
TO BE PROUD OF ME.

PLEASE?

MRS. ROBERTS...

YOU SHALL BE THE GRANDEST
LADY ON FANTASY ISLAND.

I WONDER WHY WE'RE HERE.

THIS IDEA IS BEGINNING
TO SEEM SO RIDICULOUS.

MY DEAR HUSBAND.

CAN'T YOU GET IT
THROUGH YOUR HEAD?

YOU ARE BECOMING AN
IMPORTANT MAN WITH A FUTURE.

THAT SEEMS TO WORRY
YOU MORE THAN IT DOES ME.

WHY CAN'T I JUST DO THE JOB
THE BEST WAY I KNOW HOW?

I ONLY WANT YOU TO DO
GOOD ON A BIGGER SCALE.

NOW, HONEY, IF YOU DECIDE
TO TRY FOR ATTORNEY-GENERAL,

THIS REUNION WILL REMIND
PEOPLE YOU WERE A WAR HERO.

YEAH, WELL, MAYBE
YOU'RE RIGHT...

BUT, UH, SPENDING THREE
DAYS ON AN ISLAND PARADISE

WITH JOE BECK IS NOT
EXACTLY MY IDEA OF PARADISE.

TED, THE POOR
GUY'S BEEN IN AND OUT

OF ONE VA HOSPITAL AFTER
ANOTHER. NOW, IF THIS HELPS US,

I'M HOPING IT HELPS HIM, TOO.

TOULOUSE-LAUTREC.

VERY GOOD.

PICASSO.

YES, YES!

REMBRANDT.

YOU'RE DOING FINE.

PLAYBOY?

PLAYBOY?

WELL, SHE'S NAKED, AIN'T SHE?

NOW, LET'S SEE. UM...

PANAMA TAKES CONTROL
OF ITS CANAL IN WHAT YEAR?

2000.

EXCELLENT.

MR. ROARKE,

IF PANAMA GAINS CONTROL
OF ITS CANAL IN THE YEAR 2000,

WHO'S GOT IT NOW?

AND A ONE, TWO, THREE... AH!

OH, TATTOO. I'M SO SORRY.

I'VE GOT ALL THE GRACE
OF A DRUNKEN GIRAFFE.

AND A ONE, TWO, THREE.

AND A ONE, TWO, THREE.

AND A ONE... OW!

MAYBE I OUGHT TO
DO WHAT I'M BEST AT.

WHAT'S THAT?

INTERMISSION.

[MUSIC STOPS]

BOSS...

DID YOU EVER HAVE A
FANTASY WHICH DID NOT WORK?

THIS IS INCREDIBLE.

IT LOOKS JUST LIKE MI CHOW 1.

EVEN THE RIVER DOWN THERE.

THIS IS A FANTASTIC
RECREATION, MR. ROARKE.

I AM SO GLAD YOU'RE PLEASED.

UH, I BELIEVE YOUR UNIT ESCAPED
THE VIET CONG PRISON CAMP

DURING THE NIGHT, AM I CORRECT?

THAT'S RIGHT. THE
ONLY WAY WE MADE IT

WAS TO SLIP OUT ONE AT A
TIME IN 10-MINUTE INTERVALS.

WE COULD SEE THIS HILL
FROM THE CAMP DOWN BELOW.

WE USED THAT AS OUR
RENDEZVOUS POINT.

SO YOU WERE 32 MILES INSIDE
OF ENEMY-HAILED TERRITORY.

THAT'S HOW FAR WE HAD TO GO
TO MAKE IT BACK TO OUR LINES.

THAT'S ALMOST EXACTLY
HOW FAR YOU MUST GO NOW.

BUT I MUST WARN YOU,
IN A FANTASY THIS EXOTIC,

I CANNOT GUARANTEE YOUR SAFETY.

ONCE YOU BEGIN, YOU
ARE OUT OF MY HANDS.

OF COURSE, YOU MAY TURN BACK NOW

OR NEVERMORE.

DON'T WORRY, MR. ROARKE.
NO ONE'S TURNING BACK.

AND YOU FEEL THE
SAME, MR. GARMAN?

YES, I GUESS I DO.

THEN FROM HERE
YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN.

GOOD LUCK, SOLDIERS.

THANK YOU, MR. ROARKE.

SO, WE'RE HERE.

FINALLY.

WELL, IT'S ABOUT
TIME YOU TOLD ME

WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT, I THINK.

YOU SAID SOMETHING ABOUT

LIFE, DEATH?

IT IS. BELIEVE ME.

UH, JOE,

I KNOW ABOUT THE TROUBLES
YOU'VE HAD SINCE NAM.

I'M ALL RIGHT. I'M ALL RIGHT,

SO DON'T GET YOUR HOPES UP.

DON'T, UH...

DON'T GET MY HOPES UP?

PACKED THESE MYSELF.

THESE ARE COMBAT PACKS.

WHAT'S IN 'EM?

THE USUAL.

I OWN A COUPLE OF IDENTICAL
KNOCKED DOWN M76'S.

M76'S? SEVEN CLIPS EACH.

SEVEN CLIPS EACH? WHAT FOR?

THERE CAN'T BE THAT MANY
ANIMALS IN THIS JUNGLE.

FOR OUR PRIVATE LITTLE WAR.

WHICH STARTS IN EXACTLY...

10 MINUTES.

OUR PRIVATE WAR?

WHY?

YOU'RE PRETENDING
YOU DON'T KNOW.

AFTER YOU GOT WHAT
WAS LEFT OF MY SQUAD,

MY KID BROTHER JACK,
MASSACRED BY THOSE CONG.

THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK?

I WASN'T EVEN THERE!

YOU WERE OUT SPILLING
YOUR GUTS TO THE CONG

TO SAVE YOUR OWN SKIN!

ARE YOU CRAZY?

LET'S BE SENSIBLE ABOUT THIS.

YOU'D BETTER MOVE IT, SIR.

YOU HAVE EIGHT
AND A HALF MINUTES.

NOW YOU'RE BEING SENSIBLE, SIR.

NOTHING WILL SAVE YOU.

NOW RUN!

THIS WAR'S ABOUT TO START!

TV ANNOUNCER: LOOK OUT!
HERE COMES ROWDY ROBERTS,

AND SHE IS ON
STEP. SHE'S FEELING...

LOOK OUT... HAD HER
OVER THE RAILING!

WAIT A MINUTE, HOLD THE PHONES!

HERE COMES HOOLIGAN HANREDDY.

SHE'S TURNING AROUND
AT ROWDY ROBERTS.

[PEOPLE CHEERING]

IT IS OPEN, UNDETERRED WARFARE!

HANREDDY AND ROBERTS,
THEY'RE GOING AT IT.

THE REFEREE'S GOING
TO GIVE THEM THE AXE.

ALL THREE ARE ON THE FLOOR.

NO, MAKE IT FOUR. ANOTHER
REFEREE GETS IN THE ACT.

THE BRUISERS AND
TORNADOES GET TOGETHER.

ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN
AND USUALLY DOES,

AND THE CROWD IS
GOING ABSOLUTELY INSANE!

NOW TO YOU, NICK!

WELL, FOLKS, HERE SHE IS...

THE BOSTON BRUISER,
ROWDY ROBERTS, HERSELF.

OH, OH!

WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT
A MINUTE, LADIES,

LADIES, AND I USE
THAT TERM LOOSELY.

LET'S NOT HAVE ANOTHER ONE
OF OUR FAMOUS DONNYBROOKS

HERE ON TELEVISION.

I JUST WANT TO HAVE A NICE,
QUIET WORD WITH ROWDY

ABOUT WHAT WE CAN EXPECT
TO SEE IN THE SECOND HALF.

YOU CAN EXPECT TO SEE STARS.

I'M GOING TO GET
YOU A FISTFUL NEXT.

I'M GOING TO BREAK YOUR ARM,

AND THEN I'M GOING
TO BREAK YOUR...

HEY! IT'S A DELAYED
TAPE OF THE PLAYOFFS.

IT WAS BOSTON VS. CLEVELAND.

WE WON 82-80.

WELL, TATTOO, HOW DO I LOOK?

MR. ROARKE PICKED OUT
EVERYTHING PERSONALLY.

ROWDY, YOU LOOK
BEAUTIFUL, REAL ELEGANT.

THANK YOU.

OH, THANK YOU BOTH
FOR EVERYTHING.

OH, IT'S OUR PLEASURE.

HOWEVER, SOMETHING HAS
BEEN PUZZLING ME, MISS ROBERTS.

JUST HOW LONG DO
YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER

PLAN TO DELUDE THE WENDOVERS?

DELUDE?

WELL, YOUR TRUE IDENTITY
MUST COME OUT EVENTUALLY.

IS THIS DUPLICITY WISE?

NO. NO, IT'S JUST SOMETHING

THAT GOT STARTED AND
NEVER GOT STOPPED,

BUT DO YOU THINK IT'S THAT BAD

IF I DON'T TELL THEM
UNTIL AFTER THE WEDDING?

TALKING ABOUT THE WEDDING,

YOUR DAUGHTER SHIRLEY
AND A WENDOVER JUST ARRIVED.

YES. IN FACT, IT'S TIME FOR YOU
TO MEET THE WEDDING PARTY.

OH, MR. ROARKE, I'M
SCARED TO DEATH.

I MEAN, JUST THE THOUGHT
OF FACING THOSE WENDOVERS

AND ALL THEIR MILLIONS...

MONEY IS NOT EVERYTHING.

WHAT AM I SAYING?

HEY, YOU KNOW? I KNOW YOU
FELLOWS TRIED YOUR BEST,

BUT I JUST SEE A
40-YEAR-OLD, 14-CARAT FRAUD.

COME NOW, MISS ROBERTS.

WHERE IS YOUR FAITH?

I TOLD YOU THIS
IS FANTASY ISLAND.

JOE: I'M COMING,
GARMAN! I'M COMING!

[GRUNTING]

[GUNFIRE]

JOE! LISTEN TO REASON!

LOOK, I CHECKED UP ON
YOU AT THOSE HOSPITALS!

I KNOW YOU HAD PROBLEMS
GETTING YOUR HEAD STRAIGHT!

THAT'S WHY I NEVER BLAMED YOU!

BLAMED ME? FOR WHAT?

FOR SELLING US OUT
AND SAVING YOURSELF!

YOU'RE SAYING I SOLD YOU OUT?

WELL, WHO STAYED WARM AND COZY
WITH THE CONG TO THE CLEAR END?

WHEN EVERYBODY ELSE DIED BUT ME?

YOU'RE A LIAR, GARMAN!

YOU GOT MY BROTHER KILLED,
AND YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR IT!

ALL RIGHT, JOE...

IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU WANT IT.

FROM NOW ON, IT'S
EITHER YOU OR ME.

[HUFFING]

OH, MR. ROARKE!

YOUR PLAN IS REALLY WORKING.

ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK,
AND ALREADY THE DOCTOR SAYS

I'VE LOST 50 POUNDS AND
GETTING IN GREAT SHAPE!

OH, CONGRATULATIONS, MR. BUSBY.

IN ANOTHER WEEK YOU'LL BE DOWN
TO AN EXTRA-LARGE SWEAT SUIT.

OH, AND I OWE IT ALL
TO YOU, MR. ROARKE.

ALL THOSE YEARS I
TRIED LOSING WEIGHT,

BUT I NEVER HAD THE
WILLPOWER TO STAY ON THE DIETS

OR EXERCISE SERIOUSLY.

THAT IS, NOT UNTIL I CAME HERE.

OH, THANK YOU, MR. ROARKE.

OH, THANK TATTOO. I PLACED HIM

IN PERSONAL CHARGE OF
YOUR TRAINING PROGRAM.

COME ON, MEL!

HURRY, MEL! HURRY!

HO, HO, HO!

TATTOO...

WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

OH, IT'S PART OF MR. BUSBY'S
TRAINING PROGRAM.

YOU DON'T MEAN...

OH, YES. I TOLD MR. BUSBY
IF HE COULD CATCH ONE,

WELL, HE COULD KEEP HER.

[LAUGHING]

WAIT FOR ME! KEEP IT UP, MEL!

SLOW DOWN! OH,
YOU'RE DOING GREAT!

YOU'VE CERTAINLY PLANNED A
BEAUTIFUL WEDDING, MR. ROBERTS.

THANK YOU.

SHIRLEY TELLS ME
YOU'RE IN BALL BEARINGS.

[CHUCKLING]

WELL, YOU MIGHT SAY THAT.

WELL, ARE YOU, OR ARE
YOU NOT IN BALL BEARINGS?

WELL, ACTUALLY, AUNT BETTY...

MAY I CALL YOU AUNT BETTY?

NO, YOU MAY CALL
ME MISS WENDOVER.

OH.

WELL, MISS...

IT'S REALLY NO BIG THING.

IT'S NOTHING COMPARED
TO WENDOVER STEEL.

LET'S GO FOR A WALK.

THEY SURE DO MAKE A
GREAT-LOOKING COUPLE, DON'T THEY?

WHERE'S YOUR HUSBAND?

OH, THERE'S NO ROOM IN
MY LIFE FOR A HUSBAND.

YOU SEE, SINCE MY
BROTHER'S WIFE DIED,

I'VE MANAGED HIS
ENTIRE HOUSEHOLD

AND HAD THE RESPONSIBILITY OF
BRINGING HIS SON UP PROPERLY.

AND ALMOST MADE
IT A FULL-TIME JOB

OF PROTECTING THE WENDOVER
NAME AND SOCIAL STANDING.

PROTECTING IT FROM WHAT?

FROM THE WRONG SORT OF PEOPLE.

KIRK...

YOU KNOW THAT BUSINESS
ABOUT MY MOTHER

BEING IN BALL BEARINGS?

I NEVER SHOULD'VE MENTIONED IT.

HONEY, I DON'T CARE IF
SHE'S IN BALL BEARINGS

OR ON FBI MOST WANTED LIST.

I'M NOT INTERESTED
IN YOUR MOTHER.

I WANT TO MARRY YOU.

KIRK... SHH.

AH, THERE YOU ARE.

COME ALONG, CHILDREN.

I WANT TO GET THIS
OVER WITH FAST.

LIFE IS SO COMPLICATED TODAY.

WEDDINGS ALWAYS
USED TO BE ALIKE.

NOW EVERY COUPLE
WANTS TO STAGE THEIR OWN,

LIKE THEY'RE GENE
KELLY OR SOMETHING.

THANK HEAVENS YOU
DON'T WANT ANYTHING FANCY

BECAUSE WE CAN DO IT
FAST. NOW, TURN AROUND.

THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT. NOW...

NOW, WHEN I PRONOUNCE
YOU MAN AND WIFE,

YOU KISS THE BRIDE. GO AHEAD.

OKAY, OKAY.

ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?

WELL, IN THAT CASE,
I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

AND MAYBE THIS IS
MY DAY TO MAKE PAR.

HELLO, REVEREND.

EVERYTHING WILL BE JUST FINE.

OH, GOOD. GOOD!

OH, IT'S HOOLIGAN HANREDDY.

[GROANING]

[CREAKING]

[HOOTING]

[GUNFIRE]

[KNOCKING]

COME IN.

IS MR. ROARKE HERE?

IT'S AN EMERGENCY.

WHAT IS IT, MRS. ROBERTS?

HOOLIGAN HANREDDY IS HERE!

WELL, SHE'S MY VERY WORST ENEMY,

AND SHE'S RIGHT
HERE ON THE ISLAND,

AND I JUST KNOW SHE'S
GOING TO BLOW MY COVER.

OH, BE CALM, PLEASE.

OH, HOW CAN I BE
CALM? YOU PROMISED ME

THAT MY DAUGHTER'S MARRIAGE
WOULD GO OFF WITHOUT A HITCH.

WELL, I HATE TO CONTRADICT
YOU, MRS. ROBERTS.

BUT I MADE NO SUCH PROMISE.

YOU DID! NO, I GUARANTEED

THAT YOU WOULD BE A
GENTEEL LADY FOR THE WEEKEND,

DURING WHICH TIME YOU WOULD GIVE

YOUR DAUGHTER AWAY IN MARRIAGE.

YOU DO NOT SEEM TO UNDERSTAND.

IF HOOLIGAN AND I GET TOGETHER,

THERE IS NO WAY I
CAN BE A GENTEEL LADY.

WELL, IN THAT CASE, I SUGGEST

YOU NOT GET TOGETHER
WITH MISS HANREDDY.

HOW AM I GOING TO DO THAT?

WELL, UH, LET'S SEE NOW.

ALL WE HAVE

IS THE PRENUPTIAL
DINNER TOMORROW NIGHT,

THE WEDDING THE DAY AFTER THAT,

BOTH PRIVATE AFFAIRS,

SO IF WE RESTRICT
THEM TO GUESTS ONLY,

WE SHOULD BE ABLE
TO AVERT WORLD WAR III,

DON'T YOU THINK?

[SINGING]

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

NOTHING. NUH, NUH,
NOTHING, NOTHING, BOSS.

WELL, SOMETHING IS
CERTAINLY GOING ON,

AND I WANT TO KNOW WHAT.

IT'S JUST THE OLD GRADS WHO
CAME BACK FOR ALUMNI DAY.

THEY WANTED TO SING THE FIGHT
SONG ONE MORE TIME, YOU KNOW?

DID THEY, REALLY?

MM-HMM.

AND WHAT, MAY I ASK, IS THAT?

OH, THAT. WELL, UH,
THEY MADE ME TAKE IT.

IT'S THE ENDOWMENT FUND FOR
THE FANTASY ISLAND COLLEGE.

WELL, I SUGGEST THAT
YOU RETURN IT IMMEDIATELY

AND ALL OF YOU GET BACK TO WORK.

ENDOWMENT FUND, INDEED.

OKAY, BOSS.

OKAY, JUST TAKE THAT.
THERE. THERE. THERE.

COME ON. LET'S
GO, LET'S GO. COME!

HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, CHESTER?

[SQUEAKING]

UH!

[GRUNTING]

OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

FOR THE LAST TIME, LISTEN TO ME.

LOOK. I'VE GOT A WIFE I
LOVE, TWO KIDS AND A FUTURE,

AND I'M NOT GOING TO LET
YOU TAKE ALL THAT AWAY,

EVEN IF I HAVE TO
KILL YOU TO STOP YOU!

NOW, LET'S GO BACK,

AND WE'LL NEVER MENTION
WHAT YOU DID AGAIN.

WHAT I DID?

WHY, YOU!

[SCREAMING]

[GUNFIRE]

UH!

SHIRLEY,

DO I LOOK ALL RIGHT?

OH, YOU'RE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
MOTHER IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

OH, BABY.

JUST THINK, TOMORROW
YOU'LL BE MRS. WENDOVER

OF WENDOVER STEEL.

I OWE IT ALL TO YOU.

IF YOU HADN'T SENT ME
TO ALL THE RIGHT SCHOOLS,

INSISTED I DO ALL
THE RIGHT THINGS,

I NEVER WOULD'VE MET KIRK.

YOU REALLY DO
LOVE HIM, DON'T YOU?

YES. I LOVE YOU, TOO.

HOW DOES A DAUGHTER
EVER WAY THANK YOU?

BY JUST LIVING
HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

KIRK AND I ARE GOING TO LIVE

A HAPPILY EVER AFTER LIFE,

I JUST KNOW IT.

I'VE BEEN HERE OVER A DAY.

IT'S ABOUT TIME SOMEBODY
TOLD ME WHAT I'M DOING HERE.

THE GUY'S ON HIS WAY
OVER? NOW? YOU SURE?

[KNOCKING]

OH, SOMEBODY'S KNOCKING.
IT'S PROBABLY HIM. GOODBYE.

WHO ARE YOU?

MISS BETTY WENDOVER.

AH, BUT YOU'RE NOT THE
GUY I WAS EXPECTING.

THE GUY WHO SENT
YOUR PLANE TICKET

AND $2,500 EXPENSES
TO COME HERE?

YEAH. HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT?

BECAUSE I AM THE GUY.

NOW, MAY I PLEASE COME IN?

SURE.

AS LONG AS YOU'RE PAYING.

NOW.

MISS HANREDDY, I HIRED
A PRIVATE DETECTIVE

TO INVESTIGATE THE FAMILY
OF THE GIRL MY NEPHEW

INTENDS TO MARRY. WHAT
HE DISCOVERED WAS...

WELL, THE REASON I
HIRED YOU TO COME HERE.

TO DO WHAT?

BREAK UP THAT MARRIAGE
BEFORE IT HAPPENS.

♪♪

YOU KNOW, YOU WERE RIGHT

ABOUT NOT RUNNING
INTO HOOLIGAN HANREDDY.

I THINK I JUST
PANICKED LAST NIGHT.

EXCUSE ME. I'M CUTTING IN.

WE JUST GOT STARTED, TATTOO.

SORRY, BOSS.

OH, TATTOO, THANK YOU.

FOR WHAT?

FOR THE TWO OF
YOU LADY-FYING ME.

I NEVER COULD'VE
MADE IT WITHOUT YOU.

OH, I'D DO ANYTHING FOR YOU.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR ATTENTION.

WILL YOU PLEASE GATHER ROUND?

I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT YOU'RE LOOKING

AT AN EXTREMELY HAPPY MAN,

A MAN WHO IS ABOUT TO
GAIN A BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER.

WHAT I WANT TO DO
IS PROPOSE A TOAST...

TO THE MERGER OF TWO
ILLUSTRIOUS FAMILIES,

THE ROBERTS AND THE WENDOVERS.

[APPLAUSE]

AND TO SHOW YOU ALL
JUST HOW ILLUSTRIOUS

ONE OF THOSE FAMILIES IS...

[PEOPLE GASPING]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE
A REAL CELEBRITY

RIGHT HERE IN YOUR OWN MIDST.

SHE'S LEAD JAMMER FOR
THE BOSTON BRUISERS,

AND HERE ARE SOME
ACTION SHOTS OF THE ONE,

THE ONLY, THE ORIGINAL

ROWDY ROBERTS!

WITH A BETTER RIGHT
CROSS THAN MUHAMMAD ALI.

[PEOPLE LAUGHING]

AS GENTEEL A NOBLEWOMAN
AS SHE'LL EVER BE.

DID I SAY NOBLEWOMAN?

AND A FANNY FLOP THAT WILL DO
JUSTICE TO THE KEYSTONE COPS.

YES SIR, LADIES AND
GENTS, POETRY IN MOTION.

[LAUGHING]

OH, YOU COULD SEE
HOW BAD SHE LOOKS.

SHE'S ALSO HAPPY. YES, SIR,
QUEEN OF THE ROLLER CIRCUIT

MARRIED HER DAUGHTER
OFF TO WENDOVER STEEL.

THAT'S ENOUGH. THAT'S
ENOUGH, HOOLIGAN.

YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH
ALREADY. I'M WARNING YOU.

I THINK ROWDY ROBERTS
OUGHT TO MAKE A SPEECH

ABOUT HOW IT FEELS FOR A
LOWLY ROLLER BABE SKATER

TO MIX WITH ALL YOU HIGH
AND MIGHTY BLUEBLOODS.

WHAT ABOUT IT, FOLKS, HUH?

YEAH! WHAT ABOUT...

[PEOPLE GASPING]

[SCREAMING]

I WARNED YOU,
HOOLIGAN! I WARNED YOU!

[SHOUTING]

I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT.

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

A CONSPIRACY TO
DISCREDIT MRS. ROBERTS

AND HER DAUGHTER, I'M AFRAID.

TO DISCREDIT HER?

FOR WHAT REASON?

NO ONE FROM THAT BACKGROUND

IS GOOD ENOUGH TO
MARRY A WENDOVER.

NOT GOOD ENOUGH, INDEED.

WELL, I SUPPOSE THAT DEPENDS

ON WHAT STANDARDS YOU APPLY.

UH, LET ME TELL
YOU A BRIEF STORY

OF MOTHERLY LOVE, MISS WENDOVER.

MRS. ROBERTS, ROWDY, WAS WIDOWED

WHEN HER DAUGHTER
WAS NINE YEARS OLD

BECAUSE HER HUSBAND
LEFT HER NO INSURANCE,

AND SHE WAS FORCED
TO FIND WORK...

NOT JUST ANY KIND OF JOB,

BUT ONE THAT PAID ENOUGH
TO GIVE HER DAUGHTER

SOMETHING SHE NEVER HAD:

THE VERY BEST OF EVERYTHING,

INCLUDING THE MOST EXPENSIVE
FINISHING SCHOOL IN EXISTENCE.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA

WHAT IT MUST BE LIKE TO BECOME
A PROFESSIONAL ROLLER SKATER

AT 32 YEARS OF AGE?

TRAVELING FROM ONE END
OF THE COUNTRY TO THE OTHER

THEN BACK AGAIN,
STAYING IN SLEAZY HOTELS,

HAVING YOUR BONES BROKEN

AND GOING RIGHT BACK
FOR MORE PUNISHMENT?

THAT'S JUST PARTS OF
WHAT MRS. ROWDY ROBERTS

IS ALL ABOUT, MISS WENDOVER,

AND ALL SHE WANTED WAS TO
BE A LADY FOR THE WEEKEND,

SO THAT HER DAUGHTER
COULD BE HAPPY.

AND YOU AND YOUR
PETTY VINDICTIVENESS

HAD TO TAKE THAT AWAY FROM HER.

YOU SHOULD FEEL VERY PROUD
OF YOURSELF, MISS WENDOVER.

EXCUSE ME.

[GRUNTING]

IT'S NOT OVER YET, GARMAN,

NOW THAT WE'RE BOTH ALIVE.

YOU KILLED MY BROTHER...

AND SOMEHOW, I'M
GOING TO KILL YOU.

[CHUCKLING]

ISN'T IT JUST LIKE
THE FIRST WAR, JOE?

TWO CAVEMEN HATING
EACH OTHER'S GUTS.

IT'S THE LAST STOP.

NOW, ONE OF US ISN'T
GOING TO WALK AWAY.

NO! NO! STOP! DON'T YOU HEAR ME?

I SAID STOP!

THAT'S ENOUGH! THERE'S
NO NEED. IT'S OVER.

IT'S BEEN OVER FOR A LONG TIME.

MAC?

MY BROTHER'S DEAD.

NO, JACK IS NOT DEAD.

UP TO NOW, THAT'S WHAT HE
WANTED EVERYONE TO BELIEVE.

BUT WHY?

JOE, JOE, IT...

IT WAS ME. DON'T
YOU SEE? IT WAS ME.

THE CONG TORTURED ME.

I'M THE ONE WHO
BLEW THE WHISTLE.

IT'S MY FAULT THOSE
GUYS DIED ON MI CHOW...

NOT HIS.

IT'S NOT YOURS.

AFTER THE INCIDENT,
YOUR BROTHER DESERTED.

WHEN THE WAR WAS OVER, HE
MANAGED TO GET TO SINGAPORE,

WHERE HE'S BEEN
LIVING EVER SINCE.

PLEASE FORGIVE ME.

I AM SO SORRY. YOU
KNOW, I SHOULD'VE KNOWN

NOT TO MASQUERADE
AS SOMETHING I'M NOT.

PLEASE STOP BLAMING
YOURSELF, MOTHER.

YOU DID THE BEST YOU KNOW HOW,

AND I'M PROUD OF YOU.

SHIRLEY.

I WAS GOING CRAZY
TRYING TO CALL YOU.

I KNOW, I REALLY DIDN'T
WANT TO TALK TO ANYBODY.

LOOK, I DON'T CARE
WHAT YOUR MOTHER DOES.

I LOVE YOU. I WANT TO MARRY YOU.

IF YOU WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH,

I THINK YOU'RE TERRIFIC.

EXCUSE ME.

PLEASE ACCEPT THE APOLOGY
OF A VERY EMBARRASSED FATHER.

I THOUGHT MY SISTER WAS A LADY,

BUT THAT'S BEFORE I
MET YOU AND SHIRLEY.

WELL, I...

I ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY
IF THOSE TWO ARE HAPPY.

WELL, THE TITLE OF LADY, I
DON'T QUITE QUALIFY FOR,

NOT AFTER WHAT I
DID TO HANREDDY.

MY LATE WIFE WAS A LADY.

SHE WOULD'VE DONE
EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID.

KNOW WHERE I FIRST
MET HER? UH-UH.

SHE WAS A WING WALKER
WITH AN AERIAL CIRCUS.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE WEDDING?

IS IT STILL ON?

TATTOO, WILL YOU CALL
THE MINISTER, PLEASE,

AND TELL HIM TO
CANCEL HIS TEE-OFF TIME?

THE CEREMONY WILL GO ON
AS SCHEDULED THIS AFTERNOON.

YES, BOSS!

YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW WHY,

BUT I JUST HAVE THE
FEELING THAT YOU KNEW

THAT WE HAD TO PLAY
THIS OUT TILL THE END.

BUT IT ISN'T OVER, NOT YET.

WHAT ABOUT JOE'S BROTHER?

HE WANTS TO GO HOME, BUT
HE'S AFRAID TO BE PROSECUTED.

CONSIDER AN 18-YEAR-OLD BOY,

FACE TO FACE WITH DEATH,

PANICS SINCE HE'S ALREADY
LIVED THROUGH NINE YEARS OF HELL.

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO
CAN END THIS WAR, TED,

ONCE AND FOR ALL.

THE BOY COULD USE A GOOD LAWYER.

ALL RIGHT, BABY.

JOE...

MAYBE WHEN WE GET
BACK WORKING TOGETHER,

WE COULD STRAIGHTEN THIS
WHOLE THING OUT, ALL RIGHT?

THANK YOU.

MY PLEASURE.

JACKIE.

SHH, STUPID MONKEY!

TATTOO, WHAT'S
WRONG WITH CHESTER?

OH, NOTHING, BOSS.

HE JUST REMINDS ME OF
SOMETHING I HAVE TO DO.

SHH!

NOT YET.

DON'T TELL ME YOU HAVEN'T
RETURNED HIS TUITION YET.

OH, I DID, BOSS, BUT
HE DIDN'T WANT IT BACK.

NONE OF THEM DID.

TATTOO, I'M SURPRISED AT YOU.

IT'S OKAY, BOSS.

WE FOUND SOMETHING
BETTER TO SPEND IT ON.

WHAT?

A SURPRISE PARTY.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BOSS!

COME ON, KIDS.

[CHEERING]

[LAUGHING]

THANK YOU, MY FRIEND.