Fantasy Island (1977–1984): Season 2, Episode 5 - I Want to Get Married/The Jewel Thief - full transcript

♪♪

[CLANGING]

THE PLANE! THE PLANE!

GOOD MORNING, BOSS.

GOOD MORNING, TATTOO.

DO I DARE ASK WHAT
THAT IS UNDER YOUR ARM?

YEAH, MY NEW SAMPLE

FOR MY NEW BUSINESS.

I'M GOING TO SELL IT TO A BIG
COMPANY AND MAKE A LOT OF MONEY.

NOT ENCYCLOPEDIAS AGAIN.

OH, NO, BOSS. GREETING CARDS.



YOU WANT TO SEE SOME?

"CONGRATULATIONS
ON YOUR DIVORCE.

NEXT TIME, LOOK
BEFORE YOU LEAP."

READ SOME MORE, BOSS.

"CONDOLENCES ON
YOUR 40TH BIRTHDAY.

IS YOUR INSURANCE PAID UP?"

TATTOO, GREETING CARDS ARE
SUPPOSED TO REFLECT LOVE AND SENTIMENT.

I KNOW THAT, BOSS, BUT THAT'S
WHY I'M GOING TO MAKE A LOT MONEY,

BECAUSE MINE ARE DIFFERENT.

OF THAT, THERE IS NO DOUBT.

COME. LET'S MEET OUR GUESTS.

SMILES, EVERYONE! SMILES.

♪♪

MISS CINDY BARKER, A LIBRARIAN



FROM BEAVER FALLS, PENNSYLVANIA.

WHAT'S HER FANTASY?

ONE SHARED BY MILLIONS OF
WOMEN THE WORLD OVER, TATTOO.

SHE WANTS TO MEET
THE MAN OF HER DREAMS,

FALL MADLY IN LOVE
AND GET MARRIED.

TATTOO: HEH, BUT WAIT A MINUTE.

ISN'T THAT THE SAME MISS BARKER
WHO ALREADY PAID US MONEY

FOR A WEDDING
RECEPTION ON SUNDAY?

SHE IS, INDEED.

BUT HOW CAN SHE PLAN
ON A WEDDING RECEPTION

WHEN SHE DON'T EVEN
KNOW HER HUSBAND YET?

WELL, PRECISELY WHY MISS
BARKER HAS COME TO US, TATTOO.

SHE'S ASKED THAT WE HELP HER
FIND THE RIGHT MAN THIS WEEKEND,

SO SHE CAN BE MARRIED TO HIM

BEFORE HER INVITED
GUESTS ARRIVE ON SUNDAY.

MR. JORDAN MONTGOMERY,

A TOOL AND DIE MAKER FROM
CANOGA PARK, CALIFORNIA.

HE LOOKS LIKE A NICE GUY.

WHAT'S HIS FANTASY?

AH, ONE OF
PULSE-POUNDING EXCITEMENT,

THRILLS, EVEN DANGER.

HE WANTS TO EXPERIENCE

THE GLAMOROUS ELITE
CIRCLES OF THE VERY RICH,

MUCH LIKE HIS FAVORITE
MOVIE CHARACTERS DID,

LIKE DAVID NIVEN IN RAFFLES

OR CARY GRANT IN
TO CATCH A THIEF.

BUT BOTH MEN WERE CAT
BURGLARS, JEWEL THIEVES.

PRECISELY WHAT MR. MONTGOMERY
WILL BE THIS WEEKEND.

MY DEAR GUESTS,

I AM MR. ROARKE, YOUR HOST.

WELCOME TO FANTASY ISLAND.

WELL, MR. MONTGOMERY,
HERE YOU ARE.

THIS IS MIGHTY RICH, MR. ROARKE.

DO YOU REALLY THINK I'LL FIT IN?

OF COURSE. THE
GUESTS ARE ARRIVING

FOR THE ANNUAL FANTASY
ISLAND CHARITY BALL TONIGHT,

AND YOU ARE EXPECTED.

NO KIDDING. OH, YES, YES.

ALL WHAT YOU HAVE TO
DO IS TO SIP CHAMPAGNE,

WATCH GIRLS AND CASE THE PLACE.

YES, YES. UH, HOWEVER,
FIRST I MUST ADMONISH YOU.

IN A FANTASY AS POTENTIALLY
BIZARRE AS YOURS,

IT MUST BE UNDERSTOOD
THAT ANY ITEM TAKEN

IS ONLY EXOTICALLY BORROWED,
AND YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE

FOR ITS SAFE RETURN.
NOW, IS THAT CLEAR?

OF COURSE. NO PROBLEM.

I MEAN, I COULD BE A
REAL BURGLAR ANYWHERE,

BUT WHERE ELSE COULD I BE
THE DASHING ENGLISH JEWEL THIEF

FOR A WEEKEND WITHOUT
LEADING A DOUBLE LIFE

OR RISKING 20 YEARS IN PRISON?

THAT'S VERY GOOD, VERY GOOD.

YOU HAVE AN UNUSUAL
UNDERSTANDING

OF A PURPOSE WE TRY TO SERVE.

WELL, ENJOY YOURSELF.

UM, LOOK AROUND, AND WE'LL
SEE YOU AGAIN THIS EVENING.

TATTOO?

IS MR. ROARKE IN?

HE'S WAITING FOR
YOU, MISS BARKER.

OH, MISS PARKER. PLEASE COME IN.

DO HAVE A SEAT, WON'T YOU?

YOU KNOW, I FEEL SO
FOOLISH JUST COMING HERE.

OH, MISS BARKER, WE
ARE HERE TO HELP YOU.

IN FACT, WE'VE ALREADY
TAKEN CERTAIN STEPS

TO FULFILL YOUR FANTASY,
BUT, UH, YOUR LETTER

DIDN'T FULLY EXPLAIN
YOUR PRESENT PROBLEM.

WELL, IT'S VERY SIMPLE, REALLY.

I'VE BEEN GOING WITH A
MAN FOR THREE YEARS,

AND 18 MONTHS AGO
HE FINALLY PROPOSED.

BUT SINCE THEN HE'S CHANGED
THE WEDDING DATE THREE TIMES.

AND EACH TIME HE POSTPONED
IT FOR A DIFFERENT REASON.

SOMETIMES FOR
BUSINESS, SOMETIMES...

WELL, HE'D ALWAYS HAVE A REASON.

HE GETS SICK, OR SOMETHING.

YOU MEAN HE CHICKENED OUT.

I GUESS SO.

MR. ROARKE, I'M
JUST A NORMAL GIRL,

AND I WANT WHAT EVERY
NORMAL GIRL WANTS...

TO GET MARRIED.

I KNOW THIS SOUNDS CORNY
AND OLD-FASHIONED, BUT I...

I EVEN HAVE A HOPE CHEST, AND...

BEFORE THE TERMITES TAKE OVER
OR MY BEAUTIFUL LINENS TURN YELLOW,

I WANT A HUSBAND. BY SUNDAY.

CAN YOU DO IT?

MR. ROARKE CAN DO ANYTHING.

HAVE FAITH, MISS
BARKER. HAVE FAITH.

THIS IS FANTASY ISLAND.

TAKE A GOOD LOOK, TATTOO.

WE ARE WITNESSING THE EXQUISITE
MYSTERY OF MUTUAL ATTRACTIONS

AND THE RESULTS OF
CAREFUL ADVANCE PLANNING.

YOUR COMPUTER
MATCHING OF A GENTLEMAN

WAS A GOOD PIECE OF WORK.

UH-OH.

HE LOOKS MAD. WHO IS HE?

MISS BARKER'S FORMER FIANCÉ,

THE GENTLEMAN WHO SO
STUDIOUSLY AVOIDED MARRYING HER.

WHAT IS HE MAD AT?

I SUSPECT HE INTENDED TO
HAVE HIS CAKE AND EAT IT, TOO.

THAT'S A LITTLE
TOO LATE FOR THAT.

CINDY?

EDDIE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WELL, WHAT DID
YOU EXPECT ME TO DO

AFTER I READ THAT DEAR JOHN
LETTER THAT YOU LEFT BEHIND?

SPEAKING OF LEFT BEHIND,

WHO LEFT WHO
STANDING IN THE CHURCH?

I WOULD'VE EXPLAINED THAT,

IF YOU HADN'T FLOWN
OFF ON THIS TANGENT.

I WAS SICK, HONEY.
I WAS REALLY SICK.

I'M TIRED OF HEARING
YOUR EXCUSES.

I WANT YOU TO LISTEN TO MY
POINT OF VIEW, FOR A CHANGE.

I'M 28 YEARS OLD, EDDIE, AND
I'M NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER,

AND I WANT SOME
REAL THINGS IN MY LIFE.

I KNOW THAT. I JUST EXPLAINED
HOW NONE OF THAT IS MY FAULT.

IN CASE THERE IS
STILL ANY DOUBT,

LET ME TELL YOU HOW I FELT...
HUMILIATED AND DEGRADED

AND A FOOL BECAUSE I SPENT EVERY
DIME I HAD FOR A RECEPTION HERE,

SO THAT WE COULD
GET STARTED OUT RIGHT;

AND STUPID BECAUSE I ALWAYS
LET YOU EXPLAIN EVERYTHING AWAY,

INCLUDING YOUR
PSYCHOSOMATIC SNEEZING

EVERY TIME ANYBODY
MENTIONS THE WORD...

UH-UH, DON'T SAY
IT, DON'T SAY IT.

MARRIAGE.

OH, OH... [SNEEZING]

OH, CINDY, CINDY!

CAN'T WE SIT DOWN AND
TALK THIS THING OUT?

LOOK, YOU CAN'T
SOLVE OUR PROBLEM

BY HIRING GIGOLOS LIKE THOSE
PAIR OF GOONS OVER THERE.

HIRING THEM?

YOU ACTUALLY DON'T BELIEVE

THAT ANY MAN COULD CARE
ENOUGH ABOUT ME TO WANT TO MA...

AH, AH! MARRY ME?

AH, AH! [SNEEZING]

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING ELSE, EDDIE.

I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE TO
WATCH MY LANGUAGE ANYMORE

BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE
YOU TO WORRY ABOUT ANY LONGER.

OH, CINDY! CIND...

THE DUKE AND DUCHESS
OF CHARLESTON.

IT IS SAID ONE CAN MEET
HER EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH

AND NEVER SEE THE
SAME JEWELS TWICE.

PRINCESS OKUNA.

LEGEND HAS IT

HER JEWELRY CAME FROM
KING SOLOMON'S MINES.

INTRIGUING

BUT PERHAPS JUST A LEGEND.

THERE. THAT'S THE
ONE, MR. ROARKE.

EYE OF ARGUS, ONE OF THE
WORLD'S TRULY GREAT PIECES,

BRILLIANT, PERFECTLY
MATCHED BLUE-WHITE DIAMONDS.

I'VE NEVER SEEN
ANYTHING MORE BEAUTIFUL.

AND THE NECKLACE,
NOT BAD EITHER, HMM?

WHO IS SHE?

MISS LESLIE TARLETON,
NEW YORK CITY.

WE DO NOT KNOW A GREAT
DEAL ABOUT THE LADY,

EXCEPT THAT SHE TRAVELS IN
THE WEALTHIEST SOCIAL CIRCLES.

IF YOU WOULD LIKE, LESLIE, I
COULD KEEP IT SAFE FOR YOU.

YOU GET THE NECKLACE
WHEN WE MAKE THE EXCHANGE,

AND NOT A MOMENT BEFORE.

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME A MOMENT...

CIRCUMSTANCE IS, OF COURSE,
WE'D HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOU.

IT'S STRICTLY BUSINESS.

IT'S MY GAME, LESLIE,
AND WE PLAY BY MY RULES.

I SAY, LESLIE. OH, YOU DO
LOOK PERFECTLY CHARMING.

FORGIVE ME FOR BEING LATE.

YOU DON'T MIND, OLD BOY?

I'LL BE ON MY BOAT
TOMORROW. DON'T BE LATE.

I APPRECIATE THE
RESCUE, BUT I...

DON'T REMEMBER
ME. I'M NOT SURPRISED.

THAT'S BECAUSE WE'VE NEVER MET.

MY NAME IS JORDAN. JORDAN
MONTGOMERY. AND YOU?

LESLIE TARLETON.

WHO'S THAT DUDE WITH HER?

I KNOW NOT.

FIND OUT, AND KEEP AN
EYE ON THE TWO OF THEM.

THAT IS A STUNNING,

PERFECTLY BEAUTIFUL NECKLACE.

I SHOULD TAKE REALLY GOOD
CARE OF IT, IF I WERE YOU.

AH, PLEASE EXCUSE ME. I
DON'T MEAN TO BE RUDE,

BUT I SUDDENLY FEEL VERY TIRED.

OH, I'LL TAKE YOU TO YOUR ROOM.

NO, THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY.

LOOK. AT LEAST LET ME
GET YOU A FRESH COCKTAIL.

WHO KNOWS WHEN WE'LL MEET AGAIN?

DON'T LEAVE.

SLEEP SOUNDLY, LESLIE.

YOU WON'T KNOW, BUT WE
HAVE A RENDEZVOUS TONIGHT.

♪♪

WALLY...

NEVER DANCED LIKE THAT WITH ME.

WHO?

HUH, CINDY, MY FIANCÉE,

THE WOMAN I LOVE.

SHE NEVER DRESSED
LIKE THAT EITHER.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING, WALLY?

SHE'S GOING TO GET TIRED
OF ALL THIS, AND SHE'S GOING

TO BEG ME TO TAKE HER
BACK. YOU JUST WAIT AND SEE.

WALLY: YEAH, I
KNOW, AND WITH 20/20,

YOU CAN SEE SHE'S
HAVING A LOUSY TIME.

YOU, YOU... OH!

OH, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.

CAN I BUY YOU ANOTHER DRINK?

YOU DID THAT ON
PURPOSE, YOU CHAUVINIST.

NO, I DIDN'T, I SWEAR.

I, I WAS JUST TRYING
TO BE FRIENDLY.

EXACTLY. LOOKING
FOR AN EASY PICKUP?

NO! OH, YOU MEN.
YOU'RE ALL ALIKE.

HEY, WHAT DID I DO?

A BUNCH OF ANIMALS.

ALL YOU'RE INTERESTED IN IS
OUR BODIES, NEVER OUR MINDS.

NO, UH, WHA...

ANIMALS... ALL WE
WANT IS HER BODY.

[CHUCKLING]

HEY, LADY?

LADY, THANKS...

FOR A GREAT IDEA.

HEY, FRIEND? I HAVE A VERY
VALUABLE PIECE OF INFORMATION

FOR YOU ABOUT THAT YOUNG LADY.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT GUY SAID?

OUR LITTLE GIRL IS
FOR HIRE, A BIMBO.

[CREAKING]

[GRUNTING]

[MACHINE HUMMING]

[BEEPING]

[RINGING]

[RINGING]

[RINGING]

[HUMMING STOPS]

[PHONE RINGING]

HELLO?

NO, I'M SORRY, BUT YOU
HAVE THE WRONG ROOM.

CINDY!

YOU KNOW, I WAS STARTING TO FEEL

LIKE TYPHOID ANNIE IN THERE.

WHY'D EVERYBODY
SUDDENLY DUMP ME?

WELL, UH, LOOK, CINDY.

IT TAKES GETTING USED TO, UH...

GETTING USED TO?

I THOUGHT IT OVER. IT
DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE.

NOW, YOUR PLACE OR MINE?

WILL YOU RUN THAT BY ME AGAIN?

CHAMPAGNE, SOFT MUSIC.

YOU WEAR SOMETHING SEXY,
SOMETHING I CAN SEE THROUGH,

AND THEN MARTY AND
CINDY GO BEDDY BYE, HUH?

WE'LL TALK ABOUT
PRICE LATER, OKAY?

WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO YOU,
MARTY? NOW COME ON, STOP IT!

OH, WHAT THE HELL.

I STILL MIGHT EVEN
MARRY YOU ANYWAY.

I'LL FLIP YOU FOR HER, MARTY.

FLIP? FOR ME?

LOOK, IT MAY SOUND
A LITTLE KINKY,

BUT IF YOU'LL DRESS UP IN
A CHEERLEADER'S OUTFIT,

I'LL PAY DOUBLE WHAT HE OFFERED.

WILL YOU LET GO OF ME?

I MEAN IT, YOU CREEP!
OOH, I LIKE A SPIRITED FILLY!

WAS IT SOMETHING WE SAID?

IT MIGHT HURT NOW, CINDY,
BUT IT'S THE BEST THING FOR YOU.

HONEST. I LOVE YOU.

IT WAS AN ABSOLUTE
BALL, MR. ROARKE,

A FANTASTIC HIGH, LIKE...

LIKE, UH...

WELL, I DON'T KNOW
HOW TO TELL YOU.

WELL, I AM MOST PLEASED.

THERE'S JUST ONE THING. YES?

UM, I DON'T WANT YOU TO
THINK I'M BEING CRITICAL, BUT...

IT WAS ALMOST TOO EASY.

IT WENT OFF LIKE
A PIECE OF CAKE.

WELL, PERHAPS A TRIBUTE
TO YOUR SKILL, HUH?

MR. ROARKE!

MR. ROARKE!

YES? MY NECKLACE,
IT'S BEEN STOLEN.

LESLIE? LESLIE, I
WOULDN'T BE TOO UPSET.

NOW, IF YOU'LL COME
WITH ME TO MY ROOM.

YOUR ROOM? WHY?

TRUST ME.

GO ON, MISS TARLETON.

EVERYTHING WILL BE ALL RIGHT.

TRUST ME!

AFTER THE THIEF CAME IN
THROUGH YOUR WINDOW,

YOU RECEIVED A PHONE CALL.

IT WAS A WRONG NUMBER.
YOU WENT BACK TO SLEEP.

THIS MORNING YOU FOUND
A ROBE ON YOUR PILLOW.

YOU WERE THE THIEF!

LESLIE, I'M NOT A THIEF, BUT
I DID TAKE YOUR NECKLACE.

I DON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE!

WELL, THE DIFFERENCE IS MOTIVE.

I CAME HERE TO FULFILL A FANTASY

TO BE A SOCIETY CAT BURGLAR

TO PULL OFF A SLICK
JEWEL ROBBERY!

AND I HAD TO BE
YOUR FIRST VICTIM.

LESLIE, I AM SORRY, BUT IT
WILL ALL BE OVER IN A MINUTE.

YOU'LL GET YOUR NECKLACE
BACK, I GUARANTEE.

OH, NO!

IT'S GONE.

I HAD IT TAPED TO THE
BACK OF THAT DRAWER.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

I'M SAYING I'VE BEEN ROBBED!

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE?

THAT NECKLACE WASN'T EVEN MINE!

NOT YOURS?

NO! I STOLE IT MYSELF.
WELL, NOT REALLY,

BUT I'M GOING TO GO TO
JAIL FOR IT JUST THE SAME.

MISS TARLETON, WHAT
EXACTLY DO YOU MEAN

THAT YOU STOLE THE NECKLACE?

I'M AS PHONY AS HE IS.

YOU SEE, I'M NOT ONE OF THE
SO-CALLED BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.

I WORK FOR A LIVING.

I WORK FOR CHESLEY'S
OF NEW YORK.

THE FASHIONABLE JEWELRY HOUSE.

THAT'S RIGHT. YOU SEE, I'M SORT
OF A HIGH-CLASS SALESWOMAN.

I GO TO WHERE THE RICH ARE.
I KIND OF MODEL OUR JEWELRY,

AND IF SOMEONE SEES SOMETHING
THEY LIKE, I'LL SELL IT TO THEM.

ABOUT A MONTH AGO,

WE BOUGHT THE EYE OF
ARGUS AT A PRIVATE AUCTION

AND PUT IT ON THE MARKET.

OH, WELL, THEN THE
NECKLACE IS INSURED.

NO.

I BORROWED IT FOR THIS
WEEKEND, AND I DIDN'T TELL MY BOSS.

YOU, YOU BORROWED A
MILLION-DOLLAR NECKLACE?

WHY?

TO KEEP MY LITTLE
BROTHER OUT OF JAIL.

YOU SEE, IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF A
MAN BY THE NAME OF CARL DECKER.

HE'S A PROFESSIONAL BLACKMAILER.

HE'S GOT HOOKS INTO MAYBE A
DOZEN PEOPLE AT THE CHARITY BALL.

TERRY, MY BROTHER,

HE GOT HIMSELF INTO
A LITTLE BIT OF A MIX-UP.

THEY CHARGED HIM
WITH EMBEZZLEMENT,

BUT THERE WAS WRITTEN
PROOF THAT HE WAS INNOCENT.

WELL, SOMEHOW DECKER
GOT HIS HANDS ON THAT PROOF.

HE CAME TO SEE ME A WEEK AGO,

AND HE OFFERED TO TRADE THE
PROOF FOR THE EYE OF ARGUS.

EITHER I PRODUCED THE NECKLACE,
OR MY BROTHER WENT TO JAIL.

I UNDERSTAND.

AND, UH...

YOU ACCEPTED HIS PROPOSITION.

NOT EXACTLY.

ONCE HE PRODUCED THE PROOF,

I WAS GOING TO USE THIS

TO GET THE NECKLACE BACK

AND HAVE IT IN THE SHOP
BY MONDAY MORNING.

A DESPERATE PLAN, MISS TARLETON,

BUT NOT VERY INSPIRED.

WELL, IT'S NOT LIKE I DO A
LOT OF THIS SORT OF THING.

I'M SORRY.

PSST! MR. ROARKE!

MR. ROARKE!

MR. ROARKE!

OH, MR. WEBSTER!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE?

I'M HIDING,

BUT I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU

WHAT A WONDERFUL TIME
I'M HAVING WITH MY FANTASY.

AW, WE ARE SO PLEASED.

IMAGINE ME, HARRY
DONALD WEBSTER,

A POSTAL CLERK FROM
WOODLAND HILLS, CALIFORNIA,

BEING THE ONE AND ONLY JUDGE

OF THE FIRST INTERNATIONAL
BEAUTY CONTEST

WITH A PRIZE OF $50,000.

WHERE'D HE GO?

[SCREAMING]

WHERE IS HE?

I'VE GOT TO GO, MR. ROARKE.

UH, MR. WEBSTER, IF WE
CAN GIVE YOU ANY HELP...

HELP? WHO NEEDS HELP?

THE SEMIFINALS AREN'T
UNTIL TOMORROW!

PARADISE!

THERE HE IS!

[SCREAMING]

AH, THAT'S MY KIND OF FANTASY.

[CHUCKLING]

[HORN HONKING]

AAH!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

LOOK AT THIS, BOSS,

A NEW BOOK ON TRAFFIC SAFETY.

REALLY? I MIGHT SUGGEST THAT
YOU READ IT VERY CAREFULLY.

BUT I ALREADY DID,

FROM COVER TO COVER.

MR. ROARKE, I WANT
MY MONEY BACK.

OH, CALM DOWN, MISS BARKER.

PLEASE JOIN US, PLEASE.

UM, COFFEE?

YES, THANKS.

NOW, EXACTLY WHY DO
YOU INSIST ON A REFUND?

I WANT TO GET MARRIED,
BUT I'M NOT CRAZY.

MAYBE ON A LIBERATED
SCALE OF 10 I'M ONLY A 4,

BUT, MR. ROARKE, THE MEN THAT
YOU'VE BEEN MATCHING ME WITH,

THEY'RE ACTING LIKE
OVERSEXED MANIACS.

AND FOR THAT, I
APOLOGIZE, MISS BARKER,

BUT THERE WAS A GOOD REASON

WHY YOUR ADMIRERS
SO SUDDENLY CHANGED.

I AM RELIABLY INFORMED
THAT SOMEONE SPREAD

A RATHER DASTARDLY
RUMOR ABOUT YOU.

THE WORD IS OUT THAT
YOU ARE A HOOKER.

WHAT? ME A...

INDEED. THOSE MEN
WERE TOTALLY CONVINCED

THAT YOU WERE A... SHALL WE SAY

A LADY OF EASY VIRTUE.

WHO WOULD TELL A LIE LIKE THAT?

WELL, ASK YOURSELF
THIS QUESTION.

WHO WOULD MOST LIKE TO
SEE YOU LEAVE THIS ISLAND?

WHY, EDDIE, BUT...

OH, NO, MR. ROARKE. HE
WOULD NEVER DO THAT.

I MEAN, IN HIS OWN
WAY, HE LOVES ME.

PRECISELY, BUT HOW BETTER
TO ELIMINATE THE COMPETITION?

WHY, THAT DIRTY, NO GOOD,
ROTTEN DOG IN A MANGER BUM!

I MEAN, HOW COULD
HE DO THAT TO ME?

REST ASSURED, MISS BARKER,
NO HARM HAS BEEN DONE.

THE OTHER GENTLEMEN IN
QUESTION ARE NOW FULLY AWARE

OF THE TERRIBLE HOAX
PERPETRATED BOTH ON YOU AND THEM.

I'M SURE IF YOU WANT TO GO
THROUGH WITH YOUR FANTASY,

YOU CAN STILL BE MARRIED TO ONE
OF THEM BEFORE THE RECEPTION.

BUT FIRST THINGS
FIRST, MR. ROARKE.

RIGHT NOW, ALL I WANT
IS REVENGE, NOT LOVE.

ARE YOU REALLY POSITIVE
OF THAT, MISS BARKER?

YOU BET I AM. I WANT
TO MAKE HIM PAY.

YOU MEAN YOU WANT
TO MAKE HIM SQUIRM.

I WANT TO MAKE HIM SUFFER. OOH!

I SEE.

WELL, PERHAPS WE SHOULD
TEACH EDDIE A LESSON,

AND AFTER ALL, HE DID MAKE
FOOLS OF THE OTHER SUITORS, TOO.

UH...

TATTOO, ALERT THE GENTLEMEN

THAT WE MIGHT NEED THEIR
HELP ON A MISSION OF VENGEANCE.

UH, MAY I ASK WHERE
YOU'RE GOING, MR. CONLIN?

YES, I'M GOING TO
PICK UP MY GIRL,

AND THEN I'M GOING TO PUT
THIS ISLAND OF YOURS BEHIND US.

UH, MR. CONLIN? MR, CONLIN,

MAY I ASK YOUR HELP? OF COURSE.

SOMETHING FRIGHTFUL
HAS HAPPENED TO CINDY.

WHAT, IS SHE HURT?

DEEPLY, PSYCHOLOGICALLY.

SHE SAID TO ME,

"IF I HAVE THE NAME, I MAY
AS WELL PLAY THE GAME."

NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
SHE MEANT, BUT THEN SHE...

AH, IT'S TOO PAINFUL
TO TALK ABOUT.

YOU MUST SEE FOR YOURSELF.

PLEASE COME. YEAH, YEAH.

YOU NEED MORE MAKEUP.

I'VE GOT TWO INCHES
OF THE JUNK ON NOW.

CAN YOU SHOW A LITTLE MORE LEGS?

I CAN, BUT I WON'T.

OKAY, EVERYBODY GOT IT STRAIGHT?

I'LL BE THE PIMP.

WHY YOU? I WANT TO BE THE PIMP.

I CAN DO IT BETTER.

BESIDES THAT, THE HAT FITS ME.

HERE THEY COME!

HERE. HERE'S THE GUM.

MAKE IT GOOD, KID.
WE'RE ALL BEHIND YOU.

COME ON, COME ON! GOOD LUCK!

MR. ROARKE, THAT
GIRL LOOKS LIKE...

HI, SAILOR!

NO, IT COULDN'T BE.

OH, BUT I'M AFRAID
IT IS, MR. CONLIN.

WELL, WHAT'S SHE DOING HERE?

WHY IS SHE LOOKING LIKE THAT?

THIS IS THE FIRST FANTASY
I'VE EVER HAD THAT WENT SOUR.

WELL, IT'S A MIXTURE OF THE
ISLAND, THE SEA, THE MOONLIGHT,

BUT THE WORST PART
IS MY OWN MISTAKE.

HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO
WRONG ABOUT THOSE GENTLEMEN?

SCANDALOUS. IT SEEMS THEY'RE
NOTHING MORE THAN ANIMALS

OUT TO EXPLOIT THE LADY.
OH, I'M FURIOUS WITH THEM.

FOR ME?

WHAT HAVE I DONE?

ALL RIGHT. IF I KEEP THIS UP, I
WON'T NEED SOCIAL SECURITY.

THIS MAY RUIN THE
REPUTATION OF FANTASY ISLAND.

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

HE IS REALLY
SQUIRMING, ISN'T HE?

YEAH.

OH, THIS IS TRAGIC.

COME ON. WE'VE GOT TO SAVE HER.

IT'S TOO LATE NOW.

THREE AT A TIME?

PATIENCE, MR. CONLIN.
WE MUST CHOOSE

THE PRECISE MOMENT TO
CONFRONT YOUR FIANCÉE

WITH THE SORDIDNESS
OF HER DEEDS.

HE'S REALLY SUFFERING.

HOWDY, CINDY.

HI, CINDY. HELLO, GORGEOUS.

HI. SEE YOU LATER.

WE'VE GOT A LOT TO TALK ABOUT.

AAH!

UH, MR. ROARKE.

OKAY, BOYS. WE
TAKE IT FROM HERE.

WATCH YOUR HEAD.

AND NOW FOR THE SOUND EFFECTS.

MAN: MORE CHAMPAGNE, CINDY?

WOMAN: AND WHY NOT?

MY NOSE COULDN'T BE ANY
MORE TICKLY THAN IT IS ALREADY.

[LAUGHING]

MAN: NO MORE FOR ME. I'M
SMASHED OUT OF MY GOURD!

WOMAN: WHAT'S THE MATTER, WHAT?

MAN: WELL, YOU. YOU LOOK
SO FUNNY STANDING THERE

DRINKING CHAMPAGNE
WITH NO CLOTHES ON.

[LAUGHING]

WOMAN: NO FUNNIER THAN
YOU, AND A LOT LESS TICKLISH.

I GOT YOU.

[LAUGHING]

OH, COME ON, MARTY, YOU LOVE IT!

I GOT YOU AGAIN.

[LAUGHING]

THIS IS IT, MR. ROARKE.

[LOUD CRASH]

WHERE ARE THEY, HUH?

OOH! A-HA!

HUH? WHERE ARE THEY?

UH...

WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?

PARIS.

I SAW THEM COME IN.
WHERE DID THEY GO?

THEY WENT OUT THE FIRE ESCAPE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

MISS BARKER WILL
BE HAPPY TO EXPLAIN.

COME, TATTOO.

OH. OH, I GET IT.

THIS HAS ALL BEEN A PUT-ON, HUH?

YOU'VE BEEN MAKING A FOOL OF ME.

TURNED ABOUT AS
FAIR PLAY, EDDIE,

AFTER ALL THE YEARS THAT YOU
WERE MAKING A FOOL OUT OF ME.

OH, NOW, CINDY.
CINDY, WAIT A MINUTE

THERE'S MORE I HAVE TO... CINDY!

CINDY, NOW, COME BACK!
CINDY! COME! I... CIN...!

CINDY! THERE'S
MORE I HAVE TO SAY!

AW, CINDY, LISTEN TO ME.

MORE EXPLANATIONS.

THE ONLY REASON I
PULLED THAT DIRTY TRICK

IS BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID
OTHERWISE I'D LOSE YOU.

OH, HAH.

NO, IT'S TRUE!

AND WHEN I THOUGHT YOU
REALLY HAD BECOME A...

WELL, I KNEW THAT WHATEVER
YOU WERE, I COULDN'T LOSE YOU

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, AND
I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU,

AND I WANT TO MARRY YOU.

OH, OH, OH! [SNEEZING]

BLESS YOU.

THANK...

I REALLY MEAN IT. I
WANT TO MARRY YOU.

I WANT TO MARRY YOU.

THIS AFTERNOON, IF IT'S OKAY.

PLEASE?

IT'S OKAY, AS LONG AS THIS TIME,

YOU CAME TO ME.

OH.

LESLIE?

I REALLY AM SORRY,

AND THANK YOU FOR MEETING
ME HERE THIS MORNING.

OKAY. I GUESS WE WERE BOTH

PLAYING A LITTLE BIT
ABOVE OUR HEADS.

MAYBE WE WERE.

THAT'S THE FIRST SMART THING
I'VE DONE SINCE I CAME HERE.

EVEN CARY GRANT WOULD APPROVE.

I'M NOT SO SURE HE'D
APPROVE OF YOUR TIMING.

THERE MAY NEVER
BE A BETTER TIME.

YOU AND I ARE GOING TO
STEAL BACK THAT NECKLACE.

JORDAN, MAYBE IT'S
TOO DANGEROUS.

LOOK. MR. ROARKE TOLD ME

THE NECKLACE IS
ABOARD DEKKER'S YACHT.

IF WHAT I HAVE IN MIND WORKS,
YOU'LL KEEP THEM DISTRACTED

WHILE I GET ABOARD. COME ON.

[ENGINE ROARING]

[CHATTER]

LOOKS LIKE FUN.

[CHUCKLING] YOU'D
BREAK YOUR NECK.

THERE'S SOMETHING
FAMILIAR ABOUT HER.

I THINK THAT'S THE
TARLETON GIRL.

GET MY BINOCULARS.

IT IS HER.

[BEEPING]

[RINGING]

WHAT'S SHE DOING OUT HERE?

OH, YOU WORKED BEFORE.

[RINGING]

THAT'S BETTER.

KEEP AN EYE ON HER.

COME ON, HONEY.

[MUMBLING]

BUT I DON'T WANT TO
TAKE A NAP IN MY CABIN.

I'M NOT SLEEPY.

HEY!

AAH! LOOK OUT!

STOP HIM! COME ON!

WELL, DON'T STAND
THERE! AFTER HIM! JUMP!

I AM DELIGHTED EVERYTHING
TURNED OUT SO WELL.

THANKS TO MY FRIEND,
A FORMER CAT BURGLAR.

MY FIRST AND LAST CAPER.

TELL ME ABOUT DEKKER.

OH, WELL, WHEN YOU RETURNED

HIS BLACKMAIL
FILES TO HIS VICTIMS,

YOU WIPED OUT HIS INCOME.

YOU SEE, THAT KIND OF PERSON,
WHEN THEY DON'T HAVE AN INCOME,

THEY HAVE A LOT OF
DANGEROUS ENEMIES.

REST ASSURED YOU WILL HAVE
NO MORE WORRIES FROM HIM.

WELL, GOODBYE, MR. ROARKE.

THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.

NOT AT ALL.

THANK YOU.

GOODBYE, MISS TARLETON.

GOODBYE.

WELL, BOSS, ANOTHER
SATISFIED CUSTOMER.

SINCE HE APPARENTLY
WON MISS TARLETON,

IT SEEMS THAT CRIME PAID
BEAUTIFULLY IN THIS CASE.

THANK YOU.

I CAN'T THANK YOU BOTH
ENOUGH. IT'S BEEN TERRIFIC.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, MR. ROARKE.

YOU'RE VERY
WELCOME, MISS BARKER.

BYE, TATTOO.

IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL WEDDING.

HOW IS YOUR ALLERGY, MR. CONLIN?

UH, MARRY, MARRIED, MARRIAGE,
MARRYING, MATRIMONY. HOW'S THAT?

[SNEEZING]

[LAUGHING]

THANKS FOR EVERYTHING. BYE-BYE.

BYE, TATTOO. THANKS AGAIN.

GOODBYE.

WELL, TATTOO, HOW GOES
YOUR GREETING CARD EFFORTS?

NOT VERY GOOD, BOSS.

WELL, THEN I KNOW WHY. THE
COMPANY YOU WERE TRYING

TO SELL THEM TO THOUGHT
THEY WERE TOO NEGATIVE, RIGHT?

THAT'S RIGHT, BUT THEY
ORDERED SOME MORE SAMPLES.

YOU WANT TO SEE ONE?

"DEAR GRADUATE, CONGRATULATIONS
ON YOUR GRADUATION."

NOW, THAT'S BETTER.

"TOO BAD THEY HAD TO
BURN THE SCHOOL DOWN."

DON'T YOU LOVE IT?

♪♪