Fantasy Island (1977–1984): Season 2, Episode 17 - The Stripper/The Boxer - full transcript

♪♪

[CLANGING]

THE PLANE! THE PLANE!

GOOD MORNING, BOSS.

GOOD MORNING, TATTOO.

WHAT IS THAT YOU'RE
WEARING IN YOUR EYE?

IT'S A MONOCLE.

I KNOW IT'S A MONOCLE.

PRETTY CLASSY, HMM?

MY COUSIN HUGO,

HE TRACED OUR FAMILY TREE,



AND BOSS, YOU
WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

WE ARE DIRECT DESCENDANTS
OF KINGS OF FRANCE.

I AM A ROYALTY.

CONGRATULATIONS,
YOUR ROYALTY-SHIP.

AND NOW, SHALL WE GO
AND MEET OUR GUESTS,

OR DO YOU CONSIDER
THAT BENEATH YOU?

ROYALTY.

SMILES, EVERYONE, SMILES!

♪♪

TATTOO: BOSS, I KNOW HER!

SHE'S MAUREEN BANNING, THE
RICH MILLIONAIRE'S DAUGHTER,

THE ONE THAT DETECTIVE
WAS LOOKING FOR.

MM-HMM. SHE RAN AWAY BECAUSE

SHE WANTS TO MARRY
THE MAN HER FATHER HATES.



HATES IS TOO SOFT A
WORD TO DESCRIBE THE WAY

MR. M.V. BANNING FEELS ABOUT
HIS PROPOSED SON-IN-LAW.

YOU SEE, THE
GENTLEMAN IN QUESTION

IS A SELF-STYLED POET
NAMED BARNABY JEFFERS.

MISS BANNING'S FATHER SEES
HIM AS A PRETENTIOUS DEADBEAT

INTERESTED ONLY IN
HIS DAUGHTER'S MONEY,

AND THAT'S WHY SHE'S COME HERE.

HER FANTASY IS TO
MARRY THE MAN SHE LOVES,

AND SHE WANTS TO
DO IT THIS WEEKEND

BUT WE HAVE TO ACT FAST
BEFORE THE DETECTIVE FINDS HER.

HIS ORDERS ARE TO STOP HER
FROM DOING ANYTHING FOOLISH,

NO MATTER WHAT IT COSTS.

MR. JAKE GORDON,

ONCE A SOMEWHAT FAMOUS
HEAVYWEIGHT BOXER.

TATTOO: I REMEMBER HIM, BOSS.

MR. ROARKE: DO YOU?

YES. THEY USED TO
CALL HIM JARRING JAKE...

THAT'S RIGHT.

THE COLORADO
CRUSHER. THAT'S RIGHT.

HE USED TO BE TERRIFIC.

HE USED TO HAVE
A RIGHT AND A LEFT.

AH, HE WAS ALMOST A CHAMPION.

WELL, THAT'S A VERY
EFFECTIVE STYLE, TATTOO.

AND OF COURSE, YOU'RE RIGHT.

MR. GORDON WAS ALMOST CHAMPION,
AND THAT CAN BE A VERY SAD WORD,

ALMOST.

BOSS, IS THE YOUNG
MAN A BOXER, TOO?

OH, HE IS, INDEED.

HE IS ALSO MR. GORDON'S
BROTHER JAY.

MANY PEOPLE BELIEVE
HE HAS A GOOD CHANCE

TO BE THE NEXT OLYMPIC CHAMPION,
SOMETHING HE'S DREAMED ABOUT

AND WORKED FOR SINCE
HE WAS A LITTLE BOY.

THAT'S NICE, BUT IF HE'S ALREADY
MAKING HIS FANTASY COME TRUE,

WHAT DOES NEED US FOR?

HE WANTS TO FIGHT

FOR THE CHAMPIONSHIP
THIS WEEKEND.

WHAT'S THE BIG HURRY?

WELL, UNFORTUNATELY,
BILLY CAN'T WAIT MUCH LONGER.

YOU SEE, HIS DOCTORS SAY

HE MIGHT ONLY HAVE
A SHORT TIME TO LIVE.

MY DEAR GUESTS, I AM
MR. ROARKE, YOUR HOST.

WELCOME TO FANTASY ISLAND!

♪♪

I HOPE YOU WILL BE
COMFORTABLE HERE.

WE HAVE TRIED TO
PROVIDE ALL THE COMFORTS

AND OF COURSE ALL
THE REQUIREMENTS

OF A FIRST-CLASS TRAINING CAMP,

EXACTLY AS YOU
REQUESTED, MR. BLAKE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, COACH, SIR?

IT LOOKS FIRST-RATE TO ME.

THE BUNGALOW HAS
BEEN PROVISIONED.

THE REGULATION RING YOU
SEE AND THE TRAINING AREA,

COMPLETE WITH ALL THE EQUIPMENT.

COULDN'T BE BETTER.

AH, BUT THE MOST
IMPORTANT THING, ENRICO.

YES. UH, MR. JUAN
ENRICO AND HIS HANDLERS

WILL ARRIVE TOMORROW.

THE FIGHT WILL TAKE
PLACE THE DAY AFTER.

THAT'S GOOD.

UH, EXCUSE ME.

BILLY, YOU DO
REALIZE, DON'T YOU,

THAT EVEN THOUGH MOST
BOXING EXPERTS AGREE

THAT YOU AND JUAN ENRICO
ARE THE ONLY REAL CONTENDERS

FOR THE CHAMPIONSHIP, THERE
CAN BE NO OFFICIAL RECORD

OF THIS FIGHT OR THE RESULTS.

IS THAT CLEAR? I KNOW.

BUT IF I BEAT HIM, I'LL KNOW
THAT I COULD'VE BEEN THE CHAMP.

YES.

I'M SORRY, I MUST
ASK YOU ONCE MORE.

YOU KNOW YOUR DOCTORS GAVE YOU

THREE OR FOUR
MORE YEARS TO LIVE,

BUT THEY ALSO SAID
THAT A BLOW TO YOUR HEAD

MIGHT HASTEN YOUR DEATH,
THAT YOU MIGHT BEAT JUAN ENRICO

ONLY TO DIE A FEW DAYS LATER.

I KNOW THAT, MR. ROARKE.

THE FIGHT FOR THE CHAMPIONSHIP

IS SOMETHING I'VE DREAMT
ABOUT EVER SINCE I WAS A KID.

YOU MIGHT SAY
IT'S THE ONLY THING

I'VE GOT LEFT TO LIVE FOR NOW.

SO, IF I HAVE TO GIVE A
COUPLE OF YEARS FOR IT,

IT'S WORTH IT.

YES. THEN SO BE IT.

YOUR LIFELONG DREAM COULD
BE FULFILLED IN TWO DAYS.

GOOD LUCK, BILLY.

IF THERE IS ANYTHING ELSE YOU
REQUIRE, MR. BLAKE, LET US KNOW.

AH, THANK YOU. SEE YOU LATER.

AH, HERE YOU GO, CHAMP! HA-HA!

OH, HOW BEAUTIFUL.

YES, IT IS, ISN'T IT?

AND YET, UH... MAY I?

PLEASE, YES.

AND YET, AS THE
OLD ADAGE STATES,

BEAUTY IS IN THE
EYE OF THE BEHOLDER.

WELL, IN YOUR OWN
CASE, WHAT YOU SEE

AS ADMIRABLE QUALITIES
IN THE YOUNG MAN YOU LOVE

MUST APPEAR AS DISASTROUS
FAULTS TO YOUR FATHER.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

DADDY SEES NOTHING
BUT FAULTS WITH BARNABY.

DO YOU KNOW THAT HE CALLS
HIM "A FREELOADING, NO-TALENT,

BLOODSUCKING LOUNGE LIZARD
WITH AN ALLERGY TO WORK"?

UNQUOTE.

AND HOW DO YOU PERCEIVE
THE VERY SAME BARNABY?

BARNABY IS A GENIUS.
HE'S AN ARTIST.

WELL, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO BELIEVE ME.

HERE, THE PROOF, IN HIS POEMS.

"SUEDE LIPS BY BARNABY JEFFERS."

SUEDE LIPS?

YES. IT'S A COLLECTION OF LOVE
POEMS, FULL OF BRILLIANT IMAGES.

OH, I SEE.

HERE. READ MY FAVORITE ONE.

ALL RIGHT.

THE, UH, "THE RUBBER PEACH."

THE RUBBER PEACH?

"THE RUBBER PEACH."

"I GAVE MY LOVE A RUBBER PEACH

TO BOUNCE IN HER FRUIT BASKET,

HOT.

'BOUNCE, YOU PEACH, BOUNCE.

OH, BOUNCE AND NEVER
FEAR THE PORCUPINE.'"

NOW YOU TRULY KNOW BARNABY.

I CERTAINLY DO.

OH, I'M AFRAID WE HAVE TO
POSTPONE FURTHER DISCUSSION

OF YOUR FANTASY. I BELIEVE
THAT GENTLEMAN OVER THERE

IS YOUR FATHER'S
DETECTIVE, ISN'T HE?

HERE? OH, NO.

[GASPING] YOU'RE RIGHT.
THAT'S ERNIE PEEVEY.

DADDY'S PRIVATE EYE.

MR. ROARKE, YOU KNOW HE'S
GOING TO TAKE ME BACK HOME

IF HE HAS TO PUT ME IN CHAINS,

WHICH HE WILL HAVE TO.

YOU PROMISED TO
DELIVER MY FANTASY.

WELL, YOU'VE GOT
TO DO SOMETHING!

I'LL DISTRACT MR. PEEVEY,

BUT I THINK YOU HAD BETTER
LEAVE THE HOTEL GROUNDS,

OR HE'S SURE TO FIND
YOU IF YOU STAY HERE.

BUT WHERE WILL I GO?

WELL, IMPROVISE.

HIDE UNTIL YOUR FIANCÉ ARRIVES.

AND DON'T WORRY. I'LL
BE IN TOUCH WITH YOU.

I'LL BE IN TOUCH WITH
YOU. NOW GO, GO, GO. GO.

MAN: COME ON, IT'S
GETTING HOT IN THE BUS.

WE GO IN 20 MINUTES.
IT'S A DEFINITE NO-SHOW.

SHE'S NOT GOING TO SHOW UP,
HUH? WE'D BETTER SHUTTLE OFF.

SECOND MAN: COME ON NOW, LOOK.
HER LUGGAGE ARRIVED, DIDN'T IT?

THAT MEANS THAT LULU
LAVERNE CAN'T BE FAR BEHIND.

MAYBE WE'D BETTER LOOK AROUND.

WHAT ARE YOU EYEBALLING IT FOR?

I MEAN, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE, DO YOU?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
SHE LOOKS LIKE.

THEY DON'T KNOW
WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE.

YOU'VE NEVER SEEN
A PICTURE OF HER.

NEITHER OF US HAVE
SEEN A PICTURE OF HER.

SHE'S HERE. I MEAN, I'M HERE.

I'M HERE. HELLO.

MISS LAVERNE?

I'M RUSS McCOY.

IT'S AN HONOR,
AND IT'S A PRIVILEGE.

WELL, LET'S GET MOVING.

WHAT DID I TELL YOU, NO-SHOW?

YEAH, WELL, SOMETHING'S FISHY.

I THOUGHT LULU
LAVERNE WAS A REDHEAD.

A GIRL CAN CHANGE THE COLOR
OF HER HAIR, CAN'T SHE? COME ON.

HEY, KIDS, I WANT YOU TO SAY
HI TO THE STAR OF OUR SHOW,

MISS LULU LAVERNE!

[CHEERING]

ALL RIGHT! THAT'S ENOUGH!

HOLD IT, BILLY.

HEY, GOOD FORM, BOY. GOOD FORM.

FELT PRETTY GOOD.

TIMING MAY BE A LITTLE OFF.

AH, NO, DON'T WORRY. LET'S
HIT THE SHOWER, COME ON.

HEY, THAT'S... THAT'S JENNY!

JENNY?

JENNY COLLINS? YOU'RE CRAZY.

NO, I TELL YOU,
THAT'S HER! JENNY!

JENNY!

BILLY!

HEY, JENNY! BILLY!

BILLY! HEY, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING, BILLY?

THAT WAS JENNY.

YOU'RE CRAZY. THAT WASN'T JENNY.

WHY'D SHE GO OFF LIKE THAT?

I WANT TO SEE HER, JAKE.
I WANT TO TALK TO HER.

WHAT FOR? WE CAME
DOWN HERE TO FIGHT,

NOT RELIVE YOUR HIGH SCHOOL
ROMANCE WITH THAT LITTLE TRAMP.

JAKE, DON'T YOU
EVER SAY THAT AGAIN.

YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE, BILLY.

YOU'VE GOT NO TIME FOR WOMEN.

NOW, THAT CUBAN IS NOT
GOING TO BE A PUSHOVER.

WE CAME DOWN HERE TO FIGHT.

SO, LET'S FIGHT, HUH, BOY?

BOSS, BOSS! MISS COLLINS
WANTS TO SPEAK TO YOU.

OH, BY ALL MEANS.
COME IN, MISS COLLINS.

COME IN. PLEASE SIT
DOWN, WON'T YOU?

NO, THANK YOU.

IS THERE SOMETHING
I CAN DO FOR YOU?

I'M AFRAID I HAVE
TO LEAVE THE ISLAND.

I CAN'T WORK HERE ANYMORE.

OH, IS THAT SO?

I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION WE
HAD CONTRACTED YOUR SERVICES

TO WORK AT THE HOTEL
FOR SIX MONTHS. UH, TATTOO?

THAT'S RIGHT, BOSS. SHE'S
ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK.

A WEEK? WELL, THAT HARDLY PAYS

FOR THE TRANSPORTATION
TO BRING YOU HERE, DOES IT?

I KNOW THAT.

LISTEN, WHATEVER
IT COST, MR. ROARKE,

I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU.
I'LL SEND YOU THE MONEY,

JUST AS SOON AS I GET
ANOTHER JOB AWAY FROM HERE.

CAN IT BE SO IMPORTANT
THAT YOU LEAVE OUR ISLAND?

YES.

YOU SEE, I SAW SOMEONE
TODAY THAT I USED TO KNOW.

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT
THAT I GET AWAY.

OH, THEN GET AWAY, YOU SHALL.

THE NEXT PLANE
WILL BE IN TWO DAYS.

I'LL ARRANGE FOR YOUR PASSAGE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MR. ROARKE.

YOU'RE VERY
WELCOME, MISS COLLINS.

SHE SEEMED QUITE
UPSET, DIDN'T SHE, TATTOO?

SHE IS, BOSS, SHE IS.

ALL WE HAVE TO HOPE FOR
NOW IS THAT BILLY SAW HER, TOO.

MM-HMM.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

YES, I'M FINE.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO SCARE
YOU. THE ELEPHANT...

THE ELEPHANT GOT IN THE
WAY OF THE BUS. [CHUCKLING]

OH, YOU HURT YOURSELF?

NO, I... WELL, LET ME...

HEY, I'LL GIVE YOU ONE
OF WHOOPEE'S RUBDOWNS.

NO, I'M NOT... OH, JUST RELAX.

SOMETIMES WHEN YOU
GET ONE OF THESE THINGS,

YOU KNOW, IT PULLS A MUSCLE.

I'M FINE! BUT PLEASE,
NO! WOULD YOU...

WOULD YOU GET YOUR
HANDS OFF ME, PLEASE?

I'M SORRY. I...

I DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING BY IT.

I MEAN, AFTER ALL, YOU ARE A
MEMBER OF THE CAST NOW, AND...

WELL, I MEAN, I WAS JUST
TRYING TO BE A GOOD TROUPER.

WHEN I WAS A KID, PEOPLE
ALWAYS MADE FUN OF ME,

AND I... [SOBBING]

I JUST LIKE TO HELP PEOPLE,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE A KIND OF A GOOD SAMARITAN.

LOOK, I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T
MEAN TO MAKE YOU CRY.

[SOBBING]

[BLOWING NOSE]

[PEOPLE LAUGHING]

I FEEL A LOT BETTER NOW.

OH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO
WORRY ABOUT WHOOPEE

MAKING A PASS, MISS LAVERNE.

HE'S A GENTLEMAN,
SORT OF LIKE AN UNCLE

TO THE GIRLS IN THE CHORUS.

OH, WELL, I'M NOT IN THE MARKET
FOR A SUBSTITUTE UNCLE JUST NOW.

I'M SHEILA PALUMBO.
WE WORK IN THE CHORUS.

HI. HI.

EXCUSE ME. MIND IF I SIT DOWN?

AH, I'D RATHER YOU DIDN'T.

THANKS.

I HEARD YOU TALKING
WITH WHOOPEE AND SHEILA.

TELL ME, ARE YOU ALWAYS SUCH
A MISERABLE, DOWNBEAT DAME?

MISERABLE...

IF YOU DON'T GO AWAY,
I'LL TELL THE DRIVER

TO PUT YOU OUT IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE ROAD.

[CHUCKLING]

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE
REALLY SOMETHING ELSE.

THE DRIVER WORKS FOR
ME. I MEAN, SO DO YOU.

NOW, YOU KNOW, I LIKE THE
MEMBERS OF MY COMPANY

TO HAVE RESPECT FOR EACH
OTHER; SORT OF YOU KNOW,

ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY, AS
CORNY AS THAT MAY SOUND.

SO, I WOULD APPRECIATE IT

IF YOU WOULD AT LEAST PRETEND

TO LIKE EVERYONE, MISS LAVERNE.

OTHERWISE, I MIGHT
JUST HAVE TO PUT YOU OUT

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD.

YOU WOULDN'T DARE.

YOU WANT TO TRY ME?

I'M SORRY IF I WAS RUDE.

SO, YOU'LL TRY TO BE FRIENDLIER
NOW FROM NOW ON, HUH?

YES, I'LL TRY TO BE FRIENDLY.

TERRIFIC. BY THE
WAY, WHERE'S SHECKY?

ISN'T HE IN YOUR ACT ANYMORE?

SHECKY?

YOUR MONKEY. SHECKY THE CHIMP.

I HEARD THAT USED TO BE
A BIG FINISH FOR YOUR ACT.

YEAH, THE BAND WOULD
PLAY "ABA DABA HONEYMOON,"

AND THEN SHECKY WOULD
TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF.

OH, THE MONKEY. OH,
TO TAKE OFF MY CLOTHES.

UH, I DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE.

UM, UH... WITH SHECKY, UM, UH...

SHECKY GOT SICK. HE,
UH, HE ATE A BAD BANANA.

OH, LISTEN. I MEAN,
IT'S ALL RIGHT WITH ME.

I MEAN, I BOUGHT
MISS LULU LAVERNE,

THE HOTTEST AND THE WILDEST
STRIPPER IN THE UNIVERSE.

YOU WANT TO DO THE
ACT ALONE, THAT'S FINE,

JUST GREAT. IT'S OKAY WITH ME.

I MEAN, I THINK PERSONALLY
THAT A SOLO STRIP ACT,

IT'S, UH, UH, UH, IT'S
CLASSIER, YOU KNOW?

HEY LISTEN, WHY DON'T YOU
GET SOME SHUTEYE, HUH?

AND, UH, THINK FRIENDLY, OKAY?

STRIPPER?

[LAUGHING] STRIPPER.

JENNY?

JENNY, PLEASE DON'T GO AGAIN.

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE COME HERE.

I HAD TO. I'VE BEEN LOOKING
FOR YOU EVERYWHERE

THE LAST FEW YEARS.

IT WAS A WASTE OF TIME.

WHY? WHY'D YOU KEEP RUNNING?

NEVER ANSWERED
ANY OF MY LETTERS.

WHY SHOULDN'T I HAVE?

BECAUSE I THINK WE
HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL.

I'M NOT YOUR INNOCENT
HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART

THAT WENT OFF TO BE
THE MOVIE STAR ANYMORE.

DIDN'T YOUR FRIENDS TELL YOU
WHAT HAPPENED TO ME AFTER THAT?

YEAH, THEY TOLD ME.

THEY TOLD ME EVERYTHING EXCEPT
WHY YOU DIDN'T COME HOME AGAIN.

HOW COULD I, AFTER
WHAT I'D BECOME?

AFTER YOU'D FOUND OUT?

LISTEN, JENNY. I TOLD
YOU IN MY LETTERS

THAT I LOVED YOU THEN,
AND I LOVE YOU NOW.

IT DIDN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE
WHAT MISTAKES YOU MADE.

BILLY, IT'S TOO LATE.

HOW COULD IT BE TOO LATE?

I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR
YOU FOR TWO YEARS NOW,

AND BY ACCIDENT I FIND YOU HERE.

I CAN'T LET YOU GET AWAY AGAIN,

NOT NOW. NOT NOW,
MORE THAN EVER.

[TAPPING]

[PIANO PLAYING]

[CHEERING]

ALL RIGHT. THANK
YOU, GIRLS. THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT, WHOOPEE. YOU READY?

YEAH, I'M READY!
ALL RIGHT. HIT IT!

♪♪

THERE WE GO. YES, YES!

WELL, WHOOPEE,
MY BOY, HERE WE ARE

IN BEAUTIFUL DOWNTOWN
PARIS, FRANCE.

YEAH! WHERE ARE
ALL THE PARIS SIGHTS?

[LAUGHING]

WHERE ARE ALL THE MADEMOISELLES?

OOH, THERE'S ONE, THERE'S ONE.

HEY, GIRLIE. DO YOU
PARLEZ-VOUS WHOOPEE?

WHOOPEE! WHOOPEE!
WHOOPEE! HOO, HOO, HOO!

WHOOPEE, YOU'VE
GOT TO STOP THAT.

NOW, I MEAN, IF YOU WANT
TO ATTRACT A GIRL IN PARIS,

YOU CAN'T BE CRUDE. ALL THE
FRENCH GIRLS HAVE SAVOIR FAIRE.

THEY HAVE WHAT?

I SAID ALL THE FRENCH
GIRLS HAVE SAVOIR FAIRE.

THAT'S OKAY. I'VE
BEEN VACCINATED.

ALL RIGHT, WHOOPEE. WE
KNOW THE BIT, WE KNOW THE BIT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? DON'T YOU WANT
TO REHEARSE THE REST OF THE NUMBER?

YOU'VE DONE IT A THOUSAND
TIMES. YOU'RE TERRIFIC. I LOVE YOU.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S CHANGE
THE SET FOR LULU'S NUMBER.

WHERE IS SHE?

SHE'S STILL IN HER
DRESSING ROOM, RUSS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S
WITH HER, MAN.

WE TALKED TO HER, AND SHE SAID
SHE'S ABSOLUTELY NOT COMING OUT.

HMM. OKAY, WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT.

WHY DON'T YOU RUN THE
CHORUS NUMBER WITH THE PIANO?

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. OKAY

♪♪

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BARNABY
ISN'T HERE YET, MR. ROARKE?

WELL, I'M NOT
CONCERNED, MISS BANNING.

I'M SURE YOUR FIANCÉ WILL
ARRIVE ON THE NEXT PLANE.

BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHAT DO I DO IN THE MEANTIME?

THEY WANT ME TO GO OUT ON THAT
STAGE AND STRIP ALL MY CLOTHES OFF!

[KNOCKING ON DOOR] GO AWAY!

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

NO, NOT YOU. I... I
HAVE TO CALL YOU BACK.

HOW DARE YOU BUST
INTO MY DRESSING ROOM.

GET OUT OF HERE!

HERE'S YOUR COSTUME.

GET INTO IT AND HAUL YOUR
FEATHERS OUT ON THAT STAGE.

I TOLD YOU TO GET OUT!

LADY, THERE ARE A BUNCH OF HARDWORKING
PROFESSIONAL PERFORMERS COUNTING ON

THIS BACKER'S AUDITION
TO BE A SUCCESS,

SO THEY'LL HAVE JOBS AND INCOME,

AND I'M NOT GOING TO LET ANY
TWO-BIT PRIMA DONNA STRIPPER

LOUSE UP THE DEAL BECAUSE
SHE WANTS TO BE A SPOILED BRAT.

NOW, YOU HAVE FIVE MINUTES TO
GET YOURSELF INTO THAT COSTUME.

IF YOU DON'T, I'LL
PUT YOU IN IT MYSELF.

I KNOW KARATE.

AH!

YOU HAVE FOUR
MINUTES AND 30 SECONDS.

LULU, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED
TO BE ON YOUR FEET!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING,
RUSS? OH, YOU POOR DARLING.

THE DOCTOR TOLD HER TO REST
AND GET LOTS OF FRUIT JUICES

UNTIL THE FEVER BREAKS.

WHAT FEVER? WE'D BETTER START
THE COMPRESSES RIGHT AWAY.

WELL, UH, WHY DIDN'T SHE TELL
ME SHE WASN'T FEELING GOOD?

LISTEN, YOU TAKE IT
EASY UNTIL YOU'RE OKAY.

I'M SORRY I LEANED ON YOU!

YEAH, IT WORKED, MISS BANNING!

MISS WHO?

UH, YOU CAN STOP
THE PERFORMANCE.

I GOT THE AFTERNOON PAPER. SEE?

WE KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU.

OH. UM...

HOW MUCH DO YOU LADIES
WANT TO KEEP QUIET ABOUT THIS?

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE
A SOCK IN THE BAZOO?

WE'RE NOT INTERESTED
IN YOUR MONEY.

THEN WHY ARE YOU HELPING ME?

HEY, WE'RE ALL GIRLS, AREN'T WE?

BESIDES, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A
SUCKER FOR A HAPPY ENDING.

YES.

YOU MEAN YOU WON'T TELL
MY FATHER WHERE I'M HIDING?

NOPE. NOPE,

BETTY AND ME BOUGHT UP ALL
THE PAPERS AT THE NEWSSTAND

AND DUMPED THEM INTO THE ALLEY.

NOBODY ELSE IS GOING TO KNOW,

UNLESS WE TELL
THEM, WHICH WE WON'T.

OH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

WELL, HOW ABOUT THANK YOU?

YES, OF COURSE. OH, THANK YOU.

UH, BUT WHAT DO I DO NOW?

WELL, IF YOU'RE
GOING TO STAY HERE,

YOU'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE
TO KEEP ON BEING LULU LAVERNE.

IN OTHER WORDS, MISS BANNING,

WITH OUR HELP,

WE'RE GOING TO TEACH YOU

HOW TO BE A STRIPPER!

OH.

ATTA BOY! ATTA BOY, BILLY!

STAKE HIM WITH THAT LEFT.

STAKE HIM! STAKE
HIM WITH THAT LEFT!

STAKE!

OKAY, YEAH.

KEEP MOVING TO
YOUR RIGHT, BILLY.

YEAH.

BOB AND WEAVE. WATCH HIS RIGHT.

HEY, WATCH IT!

I THOUGHT I TOLD
YOU TO STAY AWAY.

HOW DO YOU EXPECT BILLY TO
CONCENTRATE WITH YOU AROUND?

I WISH WE COULD BE FRIENDS.

YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN
ANYTHING BUT TROUBLE FOR BILLY.

THAT WAS IN THE PAST.

WE LOVE EACH OTHER.

OH, NOW YOU'VE GOT
ME ALL CHOKED UP.

YOU'RE FORGETTING
THAT I WAS THERE

THE LAST TIME YOU SAID,
"OH, I LOVE YOU, BILLY."

AND THEN YOU LEFT HIM.

HE SPENT EVERY NICKEL
HE HAD TRYING TO FIND YOU.

KEEP YOUR HANDS
UP, BILLY! HIGHER!

ATTA BOY!

YOU LOVE HIM, TOO, DON'T YOU?

HUH, MAYBE I DO.

THE ONE THING I KNOW FOR SURE,

HE'S GOING TO GET A CHANCE

AT A DREAM HE'S HAD ALL HIS LIFE

TO BE AN OLYMPIC CHAMPION.

HE'S GOING TO HAVE
THAT CHANCE TOMORROW,

RIGHT HERE ON FANTASY ISLAND,

AND I DON'T WANT
ANYTHING TO LOUSE THAT UP.

THE OLYMPICS? WHAT
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

HE, UH, HE DIDN'T TELL YOU?

TELL ME WHAT?

MAYBE YOU'D BETTER ASK BILLY.

I'M ASKING YOU, JAKE.

YOU SAY I'M MESSING
UP BILLY'S LIFE.

NOW, WHAT'S HE DOING FIGHTING
FOR THE CHAMPIONSHIP TOMORROW?

WELL, BECAUSE HE PROBABLY
WON'T LIVE TO THE NEXT OLYMPICS.

BILLY'S DYING?

DON'T GIVE ME THE TEARS.

THOSE OF US WHO HUNG AROUND

HAVE HAD TO LIVE
WITH IT FOR A LONG TIME.

THERE'S NOTHING THEY CAN DO?

WELL, THEY SAY IF HE
NEVER FOUGHT AGAIN,

HE MIGHT HAVE A FEW YEARS.

THE POINT IS, HE IS FIGHTING...

AND THE ODDS ARE,

IF JUAN ENRICO LANDS A
COUPLE OF GOOD HEAD BLOWS,

BILLY WILL DIE TOMORROW NIGHT.

BUT HE WILL HAVE
HAD HIS FANTASY.

HE WILL HAVE FOUGHT THE
FIGHT THAT HE'S DREAMED ABOUT

FOR HIS WHOLE LIFE.

WELL, HOW'D IT LOOK?

WHAT'S THE MATTER, JENNY?

JENNY?

JENNY!

FORGET HER, BILLY.

SHE'S NO GOOD FOR YOU.

WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HER?

HUH?

YOU TOLD HER, DIDN'T YOU?

LOOK, BILLY. I DIDN'T MEAN
TO. IT, IT... WELL, IT SORT OF...

STEP, HIP, STEP AND HIP.

ALL IN THE HIP, SWEETIE.

NOW, SEE HOW SHE MOVES?

IT'S NOT A WALK.

IT'S KIND OF A STRUT.

YEAH.

SHOW YOU'RE PROUD TO BE A WOMAN.

HIT IT, PROFESSOR!

[PIANO PLAYING]

YEAH! WOO! YEAH! COME ON!

YEAH! YEAH!

STEP, HIP. STEP, HIP. STEP, HIP.

STEP, HIP. STRUT, STRUT,
STRUT, STRUT, STRUT AND CATCH.

HIP, YEAH. HIP, HIP,
HIP AND HIP, HIP, HIP.

AH, YEAH.

YOU READY? NOW,
LISTEN TO THE MUSIC.

STEP, HIP. STEP, HIP.

STEP, HIP. THERE YOU GO!

AND HIP, HIP, HIP, HIP, HIP.

WOO! YEAH, THAT'S
IT! GO ON, GO ON!

STEP, HIP. STEP, HIP.
STEP, HIP, STEP, HIP.

GO ON! YEAH! YEAH!

STEP, HIP. STEP,
HIP. STEP, HIP. YEAH!

ENJOY IT. YEAH.

AMAZING, ISN'T IT, TATTOO?

WHAT, BOSS?

WELL, HOW A YOUNG LADY
OF GENTEEL UPBRINGING

LIKE MAUREEN BANNING
CAN ADAPT SO READILY

TO THE BURLESQUE QUEEN'S ART.

RIGHT, BOSS.

THAT'S IT! YOU GOT IT!

YOU GOT IT!

I LOVE IT!

COME, TATTOO.

TATTOO!

MR. ROARKE, I WAS
HOPING YOU'D DROP BY.

WELL, IS SOMETHING WRONG?

WELL, YOU KNOW MY FANTASY

IS TO BRING MY LITTLE
BURLESQUE TROUPE

IN THE BIG TIME. I MEAN,
NOTHING RAUNCHY,

A CLASSY LITTLE SHOW
THAT CAN PLAY ANYWHERE.

YES, I KNOW.

WELL, SO FAR IT LOOKS LIKE
I'M GETTING EXACTLY NO PLACE.

OH, I AM SO SORRY, MR. McCOY.

DOES THAT MEAN THE POTENTIAL
BACKERS YOU'VE CONTACTED

ARE NOT INTERESTED?

THEY COULDN'T CARE LESS.

EVERY ONE OF THEM
SAYS THE SAME THING:

BURLESQUE IS YESTERDAY'S NEWS.

YOU KNOW, UNLESS I CAN COME UP

WITH SOME SORT OF A
PROMOTIONAL GIMMICK

THAT WILL MAKE IT LOOK LIKE A
FRONT PAGE TODAY ENTERTAINMENT,

I'M SUNK. [SIGHING]

I GUESS I'D BETTER
SCRATCH ONE FANTASY.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO. LET'S HOPE

YOUR PESSIMISM IS PREMATURE.

UH, PERHAPS YOU'D
LIKE TO SEE THE PAPER.

FOR SOME REASON, THEY
SEEM TO HAVE VANISHED

FROM THIS PART OF THE ISLAND.

COME ALONG, TATTOO.

WELL, HELLO, LULU!

FRONT PAGE TODAY GIMMICK.

LOOK, THIS IS RUSS McCOY.

GET ME ACE JASON,
PUBLIC RELATIONS.

THAT'S GOOD, RIGHT?

ACE! RUSS. LISTEN,

I THINK I'VE COME UP
WITH AN IDEA, AN ANGLE,

TO MAKE MY LITTLE GIRLIE SHOW
THE HOTTEST TICKET IN TOWN.

NOW, LOOK. AFTER I READ THE
STORY, I WANT YOU TO DO ME A FAVOR.

I WANT YOU TO GET ME M.V.
BANNING'S PHONE NUMBER.

RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.

THAT'S THE MILLIONAIRE WITH
THE MISSING DAUGHTER, RIGHT.

THERE YOU GO!

YEAH. YES, THAT'S IT!

BILLY: JENNY!

JENNY?

JENNY?

UH, I DIDN'T KNOW
IF YOU'D BE HERE,

BUT I WAS GOING TO WAIT.

WELL, THEN I GUESS I
STAYED JUST IN TIME.

I'M GLAD. I WOULDN'T WANT TO
INTERFERE WITH YOUR TRAINING.

JENNY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT, ARE YOU PACKING?

I'M LEAVING ON THE
PLANE TOMORROW.

BEFORE THE FIGHT?

I WAS ALWAYS LOUSY AT WAKES.

I'M SORRY, JENNY. I DIDN'T
KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU.

GET OUT OF HERE, BILLY.

HEY, JENNY. PLEASE.

PLEASE. I LOVE YOU.

DON'T EVER SAY THAT!

YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY, BILLY?

I DIDN'T THINK THAT I
COULD BE HURT ANYMORE.

I MEAN, I'VE HAD EXPERTS
TAKE THEIR BEST SHOTS AT ME,

BUT I'VE GOT TO TELL
YOU SOMETHING, BILLY,

YOU'RE THE BEST.
YOU'RE THE CHAMP!

IT TOOK YOU TO
TURN ME INSIDE-OUT.

JENNY, I DON'T EVEN
KNOW WHAT I'VE DONE.

YOU TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME,

AND I BELIEVED YOU.
FOR ONE WONDERFUL DAY,

YOU CONVINCED ME MY
LIFE HAD SOME PURPOSE.

BUT IT DOES.

DOES IT? THEN WHY ARE YOU
THROWING YOUR LIFE AWAY?

OH, WAIT A MINUTE. JENNY,
EVER SINCE I WAS 8 YEARS OLD,

I WANTED THIS FIGHT.

WHAT, DO YOU EXPECT
ME TO GIVE IT UP NOW?

I'M NOT ASKING YOU
TO GIVE UP ANYTHING.

I HOPE YOU HAVE YOUR
FIGHT AND WIN IT, BILLY.

I HOPE YOU WIN IT BIG!

YOU'VE GOT TO DO
WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU.

THAT'S WHAT THIS
WORLD IS ALL ABOUT.

WHAT DO YOU WANT
ME TO DO, BILLY?

SEDUCE YOU?

THAT'S HOW I MADE MY
LIVING MOST OF THE TIME.

AND I WAS GOOD AT
IT. I WAS REAL GOOD!

BUT WE WOULDN'T WANT TO
BREAK TRAINING, WOULD WE?

[KNOCKING]

UM, JUST A MINUTE.

RUSS, IS THAT YOU?

DADDY!

HOW DID YOU FIND ME?

IT WASN'T HARD.

YOU'RE ALL OVER THE
NEWSPAPERS AND LOCAL TELEVISION.

IT SEEMS THE WORLD'S VERY
INTERESTED IN THE PROSPECT

OF SEEING A MILLIONAIRE'S DAUGHTER
DOING A STRIPTEASE IN PUBLIC.

THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO
KNEW WERE SHEILA AND BETTY,

AND THEY SAID THEY'D NE...

I GUESS THEY DID.

YOU DON'T PROPOSE TO GO THROUGH

WITH THIS EXHIBITION
NOW, DO YOU?

IT'S MY LIFE, ISN'T IT?

AND THE PRICE OF LEADING IT
IS THE LOSS OF YOUR MONEY.

WELL, I FORFEIT THAT WHEN I
MARRY BARNABY ANYWAY, DON'T I?

NO. YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF SPUNK,

AND I ADMIRE YOU FOR IT,

BUT DON'T WASTE IT ON GARBAGE.

COME ON HOME. LET'S
TALK ABOUT THIS SENSIBLY.

I AM GOING TO MARRY BARNABY,

AND UNLESS I HAVE
YOUR GOOD WISHES,

I'M GOING TO GO OUT
THERE ON THAT STAGE

AND GIVE THEM A VISION
OF M.V. BANNING'S DAUGHTER

THEY'LL NEVER FORGET.

YOU'RE BLUFFING.

TRY ME.

DON'T YOU DEFY ME, YOUNG LADY.

YOU'RE NOT SO
OLD, I CAN'T TAKE YOU

OVER MY KNEE AND
SPANK YOU IF I HAVE TO.

YES, I AM.

GET HER CLOTHES,
PETEY. WE'RE LEAVING.

NO, YOU DON'T, YOU SNITCH!

HEY! NOBODY TOUCHES MY STAR.

NOW, YOU AND YOUR STOOGE
CAN LEAVE, MR. BANNING.

QUIET OR NOT SO QUIET,
YOU MAKE THE PICK!

WHAT GOES WITH YOU, McCOY?

YOU WERE THE ONE WHO
TOLD ME WHERE MAUREEN WAS!

LOOK, I DON'T PLAN
TO REWARD A MAN

WHO GIVES ME A HARD TIME.

WE'RE NOT LEAVING!
WE'LL BE IN THE AUDIENCE.

COME ON, PETEY.

YOU TOLD MY FATHER
WHERE TO FIND ME?

I HAD TO DO SOMETHING TO GET
UP SOME INTEREST IN THE SHOW.

ALL THE KIDS IN THE
COMPANY NEEDED A HIT.

I DIDN'T WANT TO LET THEM DOWN.

I HATED MYSELF FOR
DOING IT, MAUREEN.

YOU PROBABLY HATE ME, TOO.

IF YOU DO DECIDE
YOU WANT TO STAY,

THIS IS FOR YOU.

WHAT IS IT?

I GUESS YOU COULD SAY

IT'S THE LAST THREE
GRAND I HAD IN THE WORLD.

I HAD IT MADE FOR YOU, AS SOON
AS I GOT YOUR MEASUREMENTS.

LOOK, YOUR LIFE IS YOUR OWN.

NOBODY CAN TAKE
THAT AWAY FROM YOU.

IF YOU WANT TO
CUT OUT RIGHT NOW,

AND YOU GO FIND THAT
GUY THAT YOU HUNG UP ON,

IT'S ALL RIGHT WITH ME.

I WON'T TRY TO STOP YOU,
AND NEITHER WILL ANYONE ELSE,

I PROMISE YOU THAT MUCH.

LIKE I SAID, YOU'RE OKAY.

OH.

AH, MISS BANNING. YOU
MUST HAVE BUTTERFLIES

IN YOUR STOMACH ON
OPENING NIGHT, HUH?

OH, MR. ROARKE.
MY FATHER IS HERE,

AND EVERYBODY KNOWS WHO I AM.

RUSS TOLD THEM!

OH, REALLY? WELL, I AM SORRY

TO ADD TO YOUR
DISTRESS, BUT IT SEEMS

YOUR FRIEND BARNABY
JEFFERS FINALLY ARRIVED.

OH, NO. OH, YES.

HE'S SITTING OUT
THERE IN THE AUDIENCE,

WAITING FOR YOUR PERFORMANCE.

RIGHT THERE, NEXT TO TATTOO.

WELL, IT APPEARS
ALL YOUR CHOICES

ARE BEFORE YOU NOW, AREN'T THEY?

WHAT CHOICES?

WELL, YOU MAY RENOUNCE
YOUR INHERITANCE

AND CLAIM BARNABY, OR YOU
MAY GO HOME WITH YOUR FATHER

AND FORGET YOUR POET,

OR...

OR WHAT?

YOU ARE A CLEVER AND
INTELLIGENT WOMAN, MISS BANNING.

IF THERE IS ANOTHER ALTERNATIVE,

I'M SURE YOU'LL THINK OF IT.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

I HOPE YOU'LL ALL STICK
AROUND FOR THE PERFORMANCE

AFTER YOU HEAR
WHAT I'VE GOT TO SAY.

I KNOW MOST OF YOU CAME
HERE TONIGHT, EXPECTING TO SEE

MAUREEN BANNING, THE MILLIONAIRE
HEIRESS, DO A STRIPTEASE.

AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT
THEY'RE GOING TO GET!

[CHEERING]

HIT IT, PROFESSOR! WHAT?

♪♪

WAIT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT!

[MUSIC STOPS]

WHY?

WELL, LET'S JUST
SAY I OWE YOU ONE.

AND THEM, TOO.

WELL... OKAY THEN.

AND NOW, DIRECT FROM THE
FRONT PAGE TO THIS STAGE,

THE ALLURING, THE
DIVINE, THE LOVELY

MISS MAUREEN
"BOOM BOOM" BANNING!

[CHEERING]

"BOOM BOOM"?

NOW HIT IT, PROFESSOR!

♪♪

[LAUGHING]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THEY'RE APPLAUDING ABOUT.

SHE DIDN'T TAKE NOTHING OFF!

BECAUSE THE WAY SHE
AIN'T TAKING NOTHING OFF

IS SO ALLURING AND
IN SUCH GOOD TASTE.

IN OTHER WORDS...

IN OTHER WORDS, I
GOT ME A CLASS ACT,

AND YOU DID IT,
MR. ROARKE. YOU DID IT!

WAY TO GO, BOOM BOOM!
BABY, DON'T TAKE A THING OFF!

WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU ANYWAY?

I'M ALL RIGHT.

OH, YOU RECKON THAT
CUBAN WILL FLATTEN YOU

WITH ONE GOOD HARD
LOOK. HOW DO YOU FEEL?

GREAT. I'LL TEAR HIM APART.

THAT'S THE WAY TO TALK.
LET'S GO, BOY. LET'S GO.

JENNY.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE ON THE PLANE.

I CHANGED MY MIND.

I JUST WANT TO BE WITH YOU.

IT DOESN'T MATTER
HOW LONG A LIFETIME IS,

WHETHER IT'S A FEW
HOURS OR THREE YEARS,

JUST AS LONG AS YOU'RE WITH
THE PERSON THAT YOU LOVE.

AND I LOVE YOU.

[CHEERING]

WELL, GIVE IT YOUR
BEST SHOT, CHAMP.

[APPLAUSE]

TO THE SIDE OF THE RING
FOR INSTRUCTIONS, FELLOWS.

THIS IS AN UNOFFICIAL TITLE BOUT

FOR THE OLYMPIC
CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD.

NOW, FELLOWS, YOU
KNOW THE RULES.

I WANT A GOOD,
CLEAN MATCH, OKAY?

I WANT YOU TO SHAKE
HANDS, GO TO YOUR CORNER

AND WHEN YOU HEAR THE
BELL, COME OUT FIGHTING. OKAY?

[BELL RINGING]

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING ON?

THIS IS WHAT YOU
WANTED ALL YOUR LIFE, BOY!

IT'S TIME TO FIGHT!

YOU'RE THE CHAMP, ENRICO.

LET'S GIVE IT A TRY
FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS.

DON'T TELL ME SHE'S GIVING UP.

SHE'S GOING BACK TO HER FATHER.

OH, NO, NO, MY FRIEND.

MISS BANNING HAS COME ALONG
TO SAY GOODBYE TO HER FATHER

AND TO HER FORMER LIGHT OF LOVE,

SUEDE LIPS.

MR. BANNING: JUST PUT OUR
LUGGAGE ON THE PLANE, BARNABY.

YES, MR. BANNING.
GOODBYE, MAUREEN.

GOODBYE, BARNABY.

OH, BARNABY SEEMS QUITE PLEASED
WITH HIS NEW JOB, MR. BANNING.

YES, I THINK HE'LL TURN
OUT TO BE A PRETTY FAIR

JINGLE WRITER FOR
MY SOAP COMPANY.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING
TO DO, MISS BANNING?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW YET,
BUT I'M GOING TO HAVE

A LOT OF HELP WORKING IT OUT.

I'M GOING TO BE PART OF A TEAM!

BUT NOT ON STAGE.

YOU KNOW, I'VE
GOT A FEELING THAT,

IF ANYBODY CAN SHAPE UP MY
DAUGHTER AND MAKE HER HAPPY,

IT'S THIS YOUNG MAN.

YOU TAKE GOOD
CARE OF HER, McCOY.

WHEN YOU WANT TO BRING THAT
SHOW OF YOURS INTO BROADWAY,

I'M YOUR ANGEL.

GOODBYE. BYE, DARLING.

BYE, DADDY.

GOODBYE, MR. ROARKE.

GOODBYE, BILLY.

GOODBYE, TATTOO. GOODBYE.

OH, AND THANK YOU BOTH
FOR BEING IN MY CORNER.

YOU GAVE UP ONE FANTASY,

BUT PERHAPS YOU
GAINED A BETTER ONE.

WELL, I KNOW NOW
THERE'S MORE IN LIFE

THAN FAME AND MEDALS AND MONEY.

THERE'S CARING,
AND THERE'S LOVING.

BUT TO DO EITHER OF
THOSE, I'VE GOT TO LIVE FIRST.

OH, GREAT ADVANCES
CAN BE MADE IN MEDICINE

IN THREE OR FOUR YEARS.

THANK YOU, TATTOO, MR. ROARKE.

THANK YOU FOR
HELPING ME UNDERSTAND.

BYE, BILLY. THANKS.

BOSS, I WAS JUST THINKING,

WHAT A MATCH WE MISSED.

AH, BUT WHAT A MATCH WE MADE.