Fantasy Island (1977–1984): Season 2, Episode 15 - Cowboy/Substitute Wife - full transcript

[MUSIC]

[BELL RINGING]

THE PLANE! THE PLANE!

- GOOD MORNING, BOSS.
- GOOD MORNING, TATTOO.

WELL, YOU SEEM RATHER LIGHT
ON YOUR FEET THIS MORNING.

I KNEW IT, IT SHOWS ALRIGHT.

OH, IT DOES INDEED...
WHATEVER "IT" IS.

I'M TAKING DANCE LESSONS.

DANCE LESSONS...

BY MAIL! IT'S FANTASTIC!
THEY SAID THAT IN 10

LESSONS, I WILL BECOME
JUST LIKE FRED ASTAIRE.



REALLY?

LOOK AT THIS, BOSS.

MHMMM...

RECOGNIZE IT?

THE HULA.

RIGHT!

WATCH MY HANDS, THEY ARE
SUPPOSE TO TELL A STORY.

I HAVE BEEN WATCHING YOUR HANDS
AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY JUST TOLD ME?

WHAT?

THAT WE ARE GOING TO MISS OUR INCOMING
GUESTS, UNLESS WE LEAVE HERE RIGHT NOW.

[MUSIC]

SMILES EVERYONE! SMILES!

MR. BRIAN KEHOE, ALL THE
WAY FROM TEXARKANA, TEXAS.

MR. KEHOE IS A RODEO CLOWN.



BUT FOR THIS WEEKEND, HE
WANTS TO BE A STAR OF THE RODEO

WITH ALL THE TRAPPINGS
THAT GO WITH IT.

I KNOW WHY HE
WANTS TO BE A STAR.

WHY?

BECAUSE THEY GET THE GIRLS.

MR. KEHOE WANTS TO IMPRESS SOMEONE
MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THEN THAT, TATTOO.

HE WANTS DESPERATELY TO
IMPRESS HIS 11 YEAR OLD BOY, TOMMY.

YOU MEAN, HIS SON DOES NOT
KNOW THAT HE IS A RODEO CLOWN?

I'M AFRAID NOT. YOU SEE, FATHER AND
SON HAVEN'T SEEN EACH OTHER IN 9 YEARS.

AFTER MR. AND MRS.
KEHOE WERE DIVORCED, MRS.

KEHOE KEPT HIM FROM
FROM EVER VISITING THE BOY.

HMM, THAT'S SAD.

YES, IT IS. BUT TOMMY KEPT
IN TOUCH WITH HIS FATHER

BY USING AN OLD FRIEND OF MR. KEHOE'S
AS A GO BETWEEN FOR THE LETTERS.

UNFORTUNATELY, MR. KEHOE
WANTED TOMMY TO BE PROUD OF HIM,

SO HE TOLD MANY
UNTRUTHS IN HIS LETTERS.

UNTRUE, YOU MEAN LIKE IF
HE WAS LIKE A RODEO STAR?

AND NOW HE WANTS YOU
TO MAKE IT COME TRUE?

BOSS, IS SOMETHING
WRONG WITH HER?

SHE'S DRESSED LIKE SHE JUST
ARRIVED FROM THE NORTH POLE.

THAT IS NADINE WINSLOW
AND HER HUSBAND HARVEY.

UNFORTUNATELY, THE GOOD WOMAN
LIVES IN A PERPETUAL STATE OF INFLUENZA.

ALSO, GOUT, HEARTBURN,
SHOOTING PAINS,

ALLERGIES AND AN INCREDIBLE
ARRAY OF SYMPTOMS

WHICH HAVE DEFIED DIAGNOSIS AT SOME OF
THE FINEST MEDICAL FACILITIES IN THE WORLD.

YOU MEAN, SHE'S A HYPOCHONDRIAC?

YES, BUT SHE SINCERELY
BELIEVES HER ALIMENTS ARE REAL,

SO FOR YEARS SHE'S LIVED
A LIFE OF NOBLE SELF PAIN.

[TATTOO] THAT MUST BE A
BUMMER FOR HER AND HER HUSBAND.

PRECISELY WHY HER FANTASY IS TO
FIND A CURE FOR HER MANY ILLNESSES

AND THUS BRING HER
MISERY TO AN END.

BUT BOSS, HOW CAN WE FIND A
CURE, IF SHE ONLY THINKS SHE IS SICK?

MY DEAR GUESTS! I AM
MR. ROARKE, YOUR HOST...

WELCOME TO FANTASY ISLAND!

[MUSIC]

THE BOYS MOTHER DIED, THEY AH, WELL
THEY SENT TOMMY TO LIVE WITH HIS AUNT.

POOR LADY HAD TO LISTEN TO 2 MONTHS
OF THAT BOY, PLEADING JUST TO SEE ME.

WHEN I LEARNED SHE FINALLY
GAVE IN I, I KIND OF FELT LIKE

THE STEER NEXT IN LINE
AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE.

I MEAN ONCE WE MET, THAT
WOULDN'T TAKE THAT BOY LONG

TO FIGURE OUT THAT
I'VE BEEN LYING TO HIM ALL

THIS TIME ABOUT MY
BEING AH... A BIG HOT DOG.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WE WILL CERTAINLY DO OUR BEST

TO SEE THAT EVERYTHING IS OKAY.

SHALL WE GO IN MR. KEHOE?

YEAH.

WOW! WOO, HEY,
AIN'T THIS SOMETHING!

IS EVERYTHING TO YOUR
SATISFACTION, MR. KEHOE?

ARE YOU KIDDIN? I AH,
I NEVER UH, I'VE NEVER

SEEN A PLACE LIKE THIS.
MUCH LESS, STAY IN ONE.

OH, I'M VERY PLEASED.

OH BY THE WAY, CALL ME
BARRELS, EVERYBODY ELSE DOES.

OH MR. KEHOE! ON FANTASY ISLAND,
YOU ARE A MAN OF CONSIDERABLE STATURE.

YOU WILL NOTICE THE CHAMPIONSHIP EMBLEMS
AND TROPHIES ARE ENGRAVED WITH YOUR NAME.

OH, NO ONE WILL BE CALLING
YOU BARRELS HERE. NO.

WHAT ABOUT MY BOY,
WHEN'S HE GET HERE?

TOMMY'S ALREADY ON THE ISLAND
AND VERY ANXIOUS TO MEET YOU.

HE IS, HUH?

YES, I'LL TAKE YOU TO SEE HIM IN AN
HOUR AND MEANWHILE, IN THE CLOSET,

YOU WILL FIND A WARDROBE
BEFITTING A RODEO STAR.

- OH YEAH?
- OH YES.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING, AH...

IF THAT WOMEN HADN'T
HAVE BEEN SO HATEFUL,

GOD REST HER, UM, NEVER WOULD
HAVE HAD TO WRITE ANY OF THEM LIES.

YES, I WILL SEE YOU IN AN
HOUR. WILL YOU EXCUSE ME?

[SNEEZE]

[MR. ROARKE]:
GESUNDHEIT, MRS. WINSLOW.

THANK YOU, OH, I HOPE
MY FANTASY COMES TRUE.

I HARDLY HAVE THE
STRENGTH TO GO ON ANYMORE.

MR. ROARKE...

YES.

MRS. WINSLOW...

[SNEEZE]

GESUNDHEIT.

I'M VAN HELSING AND I'VE JUST
COMPLETED MY PRELIMINARY

EXAMINATION OF
YOUR CASE HISTORY.

YES, AND?

AND I FIND IT QUITE
INTERESTING... SIT DOWN PLEASE.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST SAY WHAT ALL
THE OTHER SO CALLED EXPERTS HAVE SAID.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.

I SUFFER, SUFFER, SUFFER AND NOBODY
CAN FIND ANYTHING WRONG [GASP] OH...

WILL YOU CROSS
YOUR LEGS, PLEASE?

NOW TELL ME PLEASE IF THIS FEELS
LIKE A SHARP PAIN OR A DULL THUMP.

SHARP PAIN.

DULL THUMP.

SHARP THUMP.

NO, NO, NO, NO,
THUMPING SHARPNESS.

OH...

WHAT IS IT? YOU FIND ANYTHING
WRONG WITH ME, CAN YOU?

ON THE CONTRARY DEAR LADY, THIS
NEARLY CONFIRMS MY PREVIOUS DIAGNOSIS.

I'M AFRAID I FIND A
GREAT DEAL WRONG.

IN FACT, I'M AFRAID YOU
DON'T HAVE LONG TO LIVE.

WHAT?

DR. VAN HELSING, SURELY
THERE IS A GROSS ERROR.

DO YOU THINK THAT I WOULD BE
MISTAKEN IN A MATTER AS SERIOUS AS THIS?

IF SHE TAKES CARE OF HERSELF,
PROPER DIET, REST AND SO FORTH,

MRS. WINSLOW HAS PERHAPS
AS MUCH AS FIVE OR SIX WEEKS.

MY POOR DEAR LADY, ALL THOSE YEARS
OF AGONY AND YOU WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG.

YES! I SAID I WAS SICK AND THIS
IS THE PROOF! I'M GOING TO DIE!

YOU CAN'T GET SICKER THAN THAT.

OH, I GOT TO THINK.

EXCUSE ME!

WELL?

YOU WERE ABSOLUTELY MAGNIFICENT!

I THINK SO TOO! YOU KNOW IT'S ALWAYS
BEEN MY FANTASY TO PLAY DOCTOR

AND TO BE ABLE TO INFORM
A PATIENT OF A FATAL

ILLNESS. THAT WAS
THE ICING ON THE CAKE!

YOU WILL, OF COURSE,
INFORM THE POOR LADY

THAT THERE'S ABSOLUTELY
NOTHING WRONG WITH HER.

OH, OF COURSE! OF COURSE.
BUT UM, I THINK FOR THE MOMENT

WE SHOULD LET HER
LUXURIATE IN HER SORROW.

AND NOW I BELIEVE YOU HAVE
OTHER PATIENTS DUE TO ARRIVE, DR.

OH YES, A WHOLE CHORUS
LINE WITH CHEST COLDS.

I SURE FEEL LIKE A
GUSSIED UP ROOSTER.

IF I WERE YOU, I WOULD TRY
TO RELAX A LITTLE, MR. KEHOE.

THE FATHER YOUR SON IS
EXPECTING, THE KING OF THE RODEO.

I WOULDN'T BE NERVOUS.
AND THERE HE IS.

HE'S A MUCH FINER LOOKING LAD THEN
IN THE PICTURES MY SIDEKICK SENT ME.

INDEED HE IS. WELL...

WELL, AREN'T YOU GOING TO
INTRODUCE US OR SOMETHING?

OH, I DON'T THINK THAT'S
NECESSARY. DO YOU?

TOMMY?

DAD!

HOW ARE YOU BOY?

GOOD TO SEE YOU, DAD?

GOD, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU, BOY.

I'VE BEEN WAITING
FOR THIS A LONG TIME.

KEVIN, THIS IS MY DAD I'VE
BEEN TELLING YOU ABOUT.

HE'S THE BEST BRONC RIDIN, BULL
DOGGIN, BULL RIDING COWBOY EVER.

IT'S A PLEASURE
TO MEET YOU, SIR.

WELL, NICE MEETING YOU, KEVIN.

I PROMISED KEVIN, YOU'D TELL
US ABOUT THAT TIME IN DALLAS

WHEN YOU WON ALL FOUR EVENTS.

WELL, NOW MAYBE KEVIN DOESN'T CARE
ABOUT HEARING ABOUT THAT RODEO AND STUFF.

HEY, LOOK WHO'S HERE!

THAT'S CASEY WEST.

I HIT THE GROUND, SLID ACROSS IT
LIKE A SLATE ROCK ACROSS THE SWAMP.

NEXT TO MY DAD, HE'S JUST ABOUT THE
MOST FAMOUS RODEO RIDER IN THE WORLD!

HEY BOYS, LET'S JUST TAKE A LITTLE
WALK AROUND THE HOUSE HERE.

BRIAN! I WAS HOPING
I'D GET TO SEE YOU.

HOW YOU DOING?

JUST A... JUST FINE.

I'M JUST DOING FINE.
NICE TO SEE YOU BOYS.

WELL NOW, WHICH ONE OF THESE YOUNG BRONCOS
IS THE ONE YOU'RE ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT?

OH WELL, THIS IS MY
SON. MY SON TOMMY!

AND THIS IS HIS FRIEND KEVIN.

- HI, TOMMY.
- HOWDY.

KEVIN, HOW YOU DOING?

IT'S A REAL HONOR
TO MEET YOU, SIR.

WELL, VERY NICE COMPLIMENT FROM A
BOY WHO'S FATHER IS AS FAMOUS AS HE IS.

SAY, I WANNA THANK YOU FOR
INVITING ME TO COMPETE, BRIAN.

I MEAN IT'S A PRIVILEGE.
BELIEVE ME, IT'S A REAL PRIVILEGE.

MR. KEHOE, IT'S A REAL HONOR
TO RIDE AGAINST A MAN LIKE YOU.

ME TOO, MR. KEHOE.

IT SHOULD BE A LOT OF FUN.

- COME ON!
- ALRIGHT, I'M COMING.

SEE YOU TOMORROW, OKAY.

AH... AH, FELLAS...
JUST A MIN...

HEY LOOK, YOU BOYS WHY DON'T
YOU GO ON OVER THERE ME A MINUTE.

I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YA.

MR ROARKE...

HEY A... WHAT'S GOING
ON? I MEAN, THOSE

BOYS ARE SOME OF THE
BIGGEST NAMES IN RODEO.

WHAT IN BLAZES ARE
THEY THANKING ME FOR?

FOR INVITING THEM TO COMPETE
IN THE BRIAN KEHOE INVITATIONAL.

WELL IT SEEMED ONLY PROPER THAT ONE OF THE
ALL TIME GREATS WOULD PUT ON HIS OWN RODEO

AND INVITE ONLY THE BEST
TO COMPETE AGAINST HIM.

COMPETE AGAINST ME? I...

LOOK MR. ROARKE, I USED TO BE A FAIR
BRONC RIDER ABOUT A DOZEN YEARS BACK OR SO,

BUT THAT WAS BEFORE
I GOT ALL BUSTED UP.

THAT'S WHY I TURNED TO CLOWNING.
IT WAS ALL I WAS GOOD FOR, YOU KNOW.

THERE'S JUST NO WAY IN THE WORLD I'M GONNA
BE ABLE TO COMPETE AGAINST THOSE GUYS.

HAVE FAITH, MR. KEHOE.

YEAH.

ENJOY YOURSELF UNTIL THE
RODEO. AND GET TO KNOW YOUR SON.

I INTEND TO DO THAT.

WHOA, HEY.

HEY "T", LOOK AT THAT.

NEATEST LOOKING
WATERFALL I EVER SAW.

COME ON, PAL.

SET, 18... 12... HIKE!

NOW!

HEY, THAT A BOY! COME ON,
BRING IT IN FOR A TOUCHDOWN.

OH! [LAUGHTER]

I GOT YA THAT TIME, TIGER.

OH, DAD.

HARVEY, HARVEY, HARVEY.

HARVEY, 15 YEARS IT'S
BEEN JUST YOU AND ME.

PRETTY SOON IT'S GONNA
BE JUST YOU AND YOU.

I AM SO SORRY I WAS DELAYED.

MRS. WINSLOW, I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO
BE ALONE IN YOUR TIME OF TRIBULATION.

BUT BOSS, SHE WAS NOT
ALONE, I WAS RIGHT HERE...

FIXING MANY OF MY FAMOUS
COCONUT BOOM-BOOM.

I CAN TELL YOU'VE
REGAINED YOUR COMPOSURE

SINCE DR. VAN HELSING
GAVE YOU THE TERRIBLE NEWS.

YOU MUST BE A VERY,
VERY STRONG WOMAN.

ME? YES, I MUST BE
STRONG, ALRIGHT.

BUT I'M ALSO PRETTY SELFISH.

- NO, I CAN'T ACCEPT THAT.
- YES...

- SELFISH...
- NO.

WHEN THE DR. TOLD ME I WAS THROUGH,
I DIDN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT MY HUSBAND.

I MEAN, WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN
TO POOR HARVEY WHEN I'M...?

HE'S SUCH A SWEET,
INNOCENT, ADORABLE MAN.

SOME GOLD DIGGER IS GONNA
SINK HER CLAWS INTO HIM

LIKE A HAWK NAILS A TURTLE.

TRUE, LOSING YOU WILL
CREATE A LARGE VOID IN HIS LIFE.

IT'S ONLY NATURAL THAT HE WILL BE
VULNERABLE AND PERHAPS UNWISE.

YOU KNOW IT, CHARLIE.

HE'LL PROBABLY WIND UP GIVING AWAY OUR
EXPORT-IMPORT BUSINESS TO SOME FLOOZY.

TATTOO, HIT ME AGAIN.

OUI MADAME, VOILA.

WELL UH, THERE IS A
WAY TO PROTECT HARVEY.

REALLY?

TELL ME PLEASE, I'M DESPERATE.

WELL, I'M SURE YOU KNOW THAT HISTORICALLY
THE CROWN HEADS OF THE OLD WORLD

HAND PICKED THEIR SUCCESSORS

TO INSURE THE CONTINUITY
OF THEIR POLICIES

AND THE SAFETY
OF THEIR KINGDOMS.

PERHAPS A WOMAN OF YOUR
COURAGE, COULD DO THE SAME.

YOU MEAN, I CAN PICK HARVEY'S

NEXT WIFE... BEFORE I CHECK OUT?

HOW?

WELL, PERHAPS TATTOO AND
I CAN HELP IN THAT RESPECT.

YOU SEE, TONIGHT IN THE
GAME ROOM AFTER BINGO,

THERE WILL BE A VERY SPECIAL EVENT CREATED
JUST FOR MRS. WINSLOW. AND HER HUSBAND.

THERE WILL?

UH, MRS. WINSLOW...

BEAT YOU AGAIN. HA-HA.

YOU'RE GETTIN TO GOOD
FOR ME, YOU KNOW THAT.

BOY, THIS IS THE BEST DAY
I'VE EVER HAD IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

I KINDA HAD FUN MYSELF.

I WISH MOM WAS ALIVE.

SHE'D SEE HOW WRONG SHE
WAS FOR KEEPING US APART.

HEY, NONE OF THAT NOW.

YOUR MOM DID WHAT
SHE THOUGHT WAS RIGHT.

YES, SIR.

COME ON, IT'S YOUR MOVE.

- DAD?
- UM HUH?

I CAN STAY WITH YOU
ALL THE TIME NOW, CAN'T I?

YOU'D WANT TO DO THAT?

PLEASE...

WELL... I, I DON'T REALLY KNOW.

I'M ALMOST 12, YOU KNOW. I
CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

I WOULDN'T BE ANY TROUBLE.

YOU'RE A BIG BOY, ALRIGHT.

THERE'S STILL SCHOOL AND ALL
THAT STUFF, THAT KIND OF THING.

WELL, I'M TRAVELING AROUND
THE COUNTRY ALL THE TIME...

MAYBE IN A COUPLE OF YEARS, HUH?

HEY, IT'S... GETTIN PRETTY LATE.

WHY DON'T YOU HIT THE SACK.
WE GOT A BIG DAY TOMORROW.

YES, SIR.

- TOMMY...
- YEAH?

THAT DOESN'T MEAN
I WOULDN'T UH...

WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO COME VISIT
YOU DOWN AT YOUR AUNT'S PLACE

WHENEVER I HAVE THE
CHANCE, YOU KNOW.

SURE.

GOOD NIGHT, DAD.

GOOD NIGHT, SON.

[MR. ROARKE] GOOD EVENING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY A NEW
GAME THAT SHOULD BE

VERY POPULAR WITH THE
GENTLEMEN IN THE AUDIENCE.

IT WILL GIVE ONE LUCKY MAN THE
CHANCE TO CHOOSE HIS FANTASY FEMALE.

A WOMAN WHO IS FANTASTICALLY
RIGHT FOR HIM IN EVERY RESPECT.

IS THE BLINDFOLD
IN PLACE, TATTOO?

BLINDFOLD IS ON, BOSS.

THEN LET'S GO IN TO THE AUDIENCE, AND
PICK TODAY'S CONTESTANT AT RANDOM.

- NADINE...
- HUH?

WHY DON'T WE LEAVE AND TAKE
A WALK AROUND THE LAGOON.

OH NO.

HURRY NOW, TATTOO. HURRY.

THE SOONER YOU MAKE YOUR
SELECTION, THE SOONER SOME

FORTUNATE GENTLEMAN WILL GET TO MEET NOT 1,
BUT 3 GORGEOUS CANDIDATES TO CHOOSE FROM.

YOU MUST MAKE THE
RIGHT DECISION, TATTOO.

THERE ISN'T MUCH TIME LEFT.

I GOT HIM! I GOT HIM!

I NEVER SAW YOU
BEFORE IN MY LIFE, RIGHT?

WRONG, I MET YOU THIS MORNING.

THAT DOESN'T MATTER. HERE
THE GAME IS EVERYTHING.

TAKE HIM TO THE STAGE, TATTOO.

IT IS TIME TO PLAY: FIND
YOUR FANTASY FEMALE.

[APPLAUSE]

LET'S HOPE, 1 OF THE 3 CANDIDATES
MEETS WITH YOUR APPROVAL, MRS. WINSLOW.

IF I SEE ONE I LIKE, I'LL
GIVE YOU A THUMBS UP.

ALRIGHT, LET'S HAVE A NICE ROUND
OF APPLAUSE FOR OUR CONTESTANT.

AND NOW, TO MEET HIS
FANTASY FEMALE... NUMBER 1.

SHE IS PUNCH OPERATOR
WHOSE HOBBIES

ARE WATCHING TELEVISION
WHILE DOING HER NAILS.

AS AMBITIOUS AS
SHE IS BEAUTIFUL,

CONNIE WOULD LIKE TO
STUDY MARINE BIOLOGY

BECAUSE SHE LOVES MARINES.

ALSO SAILORS, AIR FORCE
MEN AND LONG-HAUL TRUCKERS.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY
TO THAT, HARVEY WINSLOW?

PLEASED TO MAKE
YOUR ACQUAINTANCE.

WELL, YOU SHOULD BE. CONNIE IS A VERY
LOVELY YOUNG LADY. ISN'T SHE, FOLKS?

AND NOW, LET US FIND OUT
WHO IS BEHIND DOOR NUMBER 2.

[MR. ROARKE] SHE IS MS. LUREEN
BAKER. A LAWYER AND REGISTERED NURSE

WITH AN INTEREST IN
ANCIENT LANGUAGES.

HER FAVORITE COMPOSER IS
BEETHOVEN, AND SHE HOPES ONE DAY

TO RECORD HER PERSONAL ARRANGEMENT
OF HIS SYMPHONY NO. 9 ON THE NOSE FLUTE.

LET'S HAVE A NICE WARM
WELCOME FOR MS. BAKER.

[WHISTLES AND CHEERING]

AND NOW. CONTESTANT NUMBER 3.

LET'S HEAR IT FOR
MS. MONICA JOHNSON.

MONICA IS A GYM TEACHER AND PHYSICAL
EDUCATIONIST AT HEPAWHITE SCHOOL FOR GIRLS.

SHE DOESN'T BELIEVE THAT BRAWN
ALONE, IS A SUBSTITUTE FOR BRAINS.

THEREFORE, SHE MADE AN IN-DEPTH
GRADUATE STUDY OF MEDIEVAL COUNTRIES.

HER MASTERS DISSERTATION
ON ELIZABETHAN CHAMBER POTS

IS RECOGNIZED AS THE
DEFINITIVE WORK ON THE SUBJECT.

SHE LIKES TO THINK OF
HERSELF AS A GOOD GUY.

AND NOW, IT IS TIME TO CHOOSE

YOUR FANTASY FEMALE,
HARVEY WINSLOW.

ONE OF THESE LOVELY YOUNG
LADIES WILL BE JUST RIGHT FOR YOU.

TIME IS RUNNING OUT QUICKLY.
YOU MUST CHOOSE NOW.

WILL IT BE CONTESTANT NUMBER 1?

NUMBER 2?

OR NUMBER 3?

I DON'T NEED A FANTASY FEMALE.
I'VE GOT A WIFE SITTING OUT THERE.

AND NUMBER 3 IT IS!

MONICA JOHNSON IS
YOUR FANTASY FEMALE.

[CRYING]

MR. KEHOE, DO COME IN.

I TRUST YOU AND YOUR SON
ARE ENJOYING YOURSELVES?

YEAH, YEAH. WE'VE GOT TO
KNOW EACH OTHER REAL EASY LIKE.

- GOOD.
- THE BOY IS ASLEEP NOW.

- I SEE.
- I HAD TO TALK TO YOU.

OH, OF COURSE. SIT DOWN, PLEASE.

PLEASE HAVE A SEAT.

IS SOMETHING WRONG?

MY FANTASY. MY
FANTASY IS WHAT'S WRONG.

YOU WANTED TO BE A RODEO STAR.

THAT IS WHAT WE
MADE YOU, ISN'T IT?

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I
THOUGHT I WANTED.

BUT I DIDN'T KNOW YOU
WERE GONNA STAGE A

RODEO... THAT I WAS
SUPPOSED TO COMPETE IN IT.

DON'T YOU THINK THAT IF I...

[SIGH] WAS STILL...
ABLE TO COMPETE.

THAT I WOULD? INSTEAD
OF BEING A CLOWN.

LOOK MR. ROARKE, I'VE
BEEN ALONE MOST OF MY LIFE.

THERE WAS TOMMY'S MOTHER, BUT
THAT WENT BAD A LOT OF YEARS BACK.

AFTER THIS WEEKEND, I GUESS
I'LL BE ALONE THE REST OF MY LIFE.

[SIGH] MY KID TOMMY... I'D
GIVE THE WORLD FOR HIM.

HE... HE CAN'T KNOW
THAT I'M JUST A CLOWN.

A LOSER. YOU PROMISED ME THAT.

I AM WELL AWARE OF WHAT
I PROMISED YOU, MR. KEHOE.

AND AS I ASSURED YOU
BEFORE, THIS IS FANTASY ISLAND.

YOU MUST HAVE FAITH IN US.

HARVEY DEAR, I DON'T KNOW WHY
YOU DON'T GET INTO YOUR SWIM TRUNKS

AND TAKE A LITTLE DIP.

OH LOOK! THERE'S
THAT NICE MONICA.

SHE'S GOING IN TOO.

I BET YOU AND MONICA COULD PLAY A
GREAT GAME OF WATER POLO TOGETHER.

NADINE, I WISH YOU'D STOP TRYING
TO PAWN ME OFF ON THAT GIRL.

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO PUSH
US TOGETHER OR SOMETHING.

OH, NONSENSE. I JUST HATE TO
SEE A VITAL, SPORTY GUY LIKE YOU

HAVING TO SIT AROUND WITH
AN OLD STICK IN THE MUD LIKE ME.

LOOK, I LOVE YOU.
ISN'T THAT ENOUGH?

OF COURSE IT IS.

UH, HONEY... DO YOU THINK YOU CAN
REACH BACK AND GET ME MY SUNGLASSES?

SURE.

HEY!

HE CAN'T SWIM!

[COUGHING]

IT'S OKAY.

WHAT HAPPENED?

THIS LOVELY YOUNG THING,
JUST SAVED YOUR LIFE.

THANK YOU, SWEETHEART.
I'LL SEE THAT YOU GET A MEDAL.

EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO GO TO THE
BUNGALOW AND PUT ON MY WET SUIT.

ALRIGHT, DEAR.

MONICA... CAN WE SPEAK
FRANKLY. WOMAN TO WOMAN.

I DON'T KNOW WHY NOT.

GOOD. I'D LIKE YOU TO
MARRY MY HUSBAND.

UM... EXCUSE ME, I
REALLY HAVE TO GO IN.

NO, NO. IT'S NOT LIKE YOU THINK.

YOU SEE I'M GOING TO
DIE. YES, VERY SOON.

AND YOU LOOK TO ME THE KIND OF GIRL
THAT WOULD MAKE HARVEY VERY HAPPY.

WELL, I'M VERY HONORED
THAT YOU WOULD PICK ME, BUT...

OH, BUT IF YOU GOT TO KNOW
HARVEY, YOU'D JUMP AT THE CHANCE.

FOR 10 YEARS, WE
WORKED SIDE BY SIDE.

IN OUR EXPORT-IMPORT ANTIQUE
BUSINESS. BEFORE WE STARTED MAKING IT.

WE WERE SO HAPPY.

I DIDN'T START GETTING SICK, UNTIL I
STAYED HOME... BEING A LADY OF LEISURE.

I DON'T SEE REALLY, HOW I
COULD BE OF ANY HELP TO YOU.

FATE WILL FIND A WAY.

NOW LOOK, YOU'VE BEEN
AROUND LONG ENOUGH TO KNOW

THAT YOU DON'T JUST GET BACK
IN TO BRONC RIDING IN ONE DAY.

BESIDE, REMEMBER WHAT
THE DR. SAID WHEN YOU QUIT.

I MEAN, YOU GET BUSTED UP ONE MORE
TIME AND YOU MIGHT NOT WALK AWAY FROM IT.

SHUT UP ABOUT THAT!

IT AIN'T NOBODY'S BUSINESS.

LOOK, I GOTTA AT
LEAST TRY. DON'T I?

YEAH, I GUESS YOU DO. GO AHEAD.

JUST RELAX A LITTLE BIT.

DON'T WORRY
ABOUT ME, I'LL BE FINE.

GOOD LUCK.

- ANYTIME, FRANK.
- OPEN IT UP.

HEY!

AHHH!

[GRUNTS]

YOU ALRIGHT?

AHHH!

HE JUST CAN'T DO IT, MR. ROARKE.

WELL, I'M AFRAID LIKE
IT OR NOT, MR. KEHOE

WILL HAVE TO GO ALONG
WITH OUR ALTERNATE PLAN.

COME ON. SKIPPY MONKEY, COME ON.

PUT YOUR FEET TOGETHER.

GOOD.

1, 2, 3.

EH, TATTOO?

THE FLOOR, ALL THOSE
PAPERS. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, I'M TRYING TO
LEARN THE WALTZ, BOSS.

THIS IS LESSON NUMBER 4.

WELL, I HATE TO BE CRITICAL, BUT IT
APPEARS YOU'RE NOT SUCCEEDING TO WELL.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT, BOSS. IT'S
THE FAULT OF THIS STUPID MONKEY.

HE DOESN'T KNOW HIS LEFT
FOOT FROM HIS RIGHT FOOT.

YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T BE OUTDOORS
TOO LONG, YOU GET THE CHILLS.

AND IT'S 2 WEEKS IN
BED WITH THE CROUP.

WHY DON'T WE STAY BACK
HERE AND SEE A MOVIE?

OH NO, I'D ENJOY A NICE
BOAT RIDE AND A PICNIC.

HURRY UP! THIS IS THE LAST BOAT.

WHY MS. JOHNSON, WE'RE SHARING
THE SAME BOAT! ISN'T THIS NICE?

YES, ISN'T IT.

ALL ABOARD!

- GO ON, GET IN DEAR.
- OKAY.

- [SNEEZE]
- BLESS YOU.

THAT REMINDS ME, I
FORGOT MY INHALER.

- YEAH, I'LL GET IT.
- OH NO, NO, NO.

YOU STAY HERE,
DEAR. I'M NOT DEAD YET.

IT'S JUST AN EXPRESSION.
SIT DOWN, DEAR.

[WHISTLING]

HEY! WHAT'S GOING ON?
STOP THIS THING, SOMEBODY.

WAIT! YOU FORGOT YOUR OARS.

WHAT DO I DO?

THEY WILL BE
ALRIGHT, WON'T THEY?

YES, THEY WILL BE. THE TIDE WILL
TAKE THEM ALL AROUND THE ISLAND...

TO A PLACE CALLED LOVER'S COVE.

LOVER'S COVE?

PERFECT! [CRYING]

- COME IN. MR. ROARKE.
- OH, THANK YOU.

I HOPE I'M NOT
INTRUDING, MRS. WINSLOW.

ONLY ON MY THOUGHTS, MR. ROARKE.

I JUST KEEP THINKING ABOUT GIVING
HARVEY AWAY TO THAT OTHER WOMAN.

IT IS A FAR, FAR BETTER THING YOU ARE DOING
MRS. WINSLOW, THAN E'ER YOU HAVE DONE.

I SUPPOSE SO, MR. ROARKE. HARVEY
DOES NEED SOMEONE TO TAKE CARE OF HIM.

THAT WILL BEE WAITER, EXCUSE ME.

YES, COME IN.

I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF ORDERING YOU
SOME OF TATTOO'S COCONUT BOOM-BOOM.

- COCONUT BOOM-BOOM?
- YES.

EVEN THAT WON'T HELP.

WELL PERHAPS IF YOU HAD SEVERAL.

JUST SET IT RIGHT
DOWN HERE, WAITER.

YOU... YOU CAN'T BE A WAITER.
YOU'RE DR. VAN HELSING.

NO, MADAME. DIDN'T
MR. ROARKE TELL YOU? I'M

JUST A WAITER WHO HAS
ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A DR.

AND MR. ROARKE HELPED ME DO IT.

THEN IF YOU'RE NOT A DR., THEN YOU
DIDN'T KNOW WHAT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT.

YOU MIGHT SAY THAT, YES.

AND I'M NOT GONNA KICK
THE BUCKET, RIGHT? RIGHT?

HOW SHOULD I KNOW?
I'M ONLY A WAITER.

WHAT IS THIS? YOU WERE
SUPPOSED TO GIVE ME MY FANTASY

TO FIND OUT WHAT WAS
WRONG WITH ME AND CURE ME.

AND SO I DID, MRS. WINSLOW.

BY CONFRONTING YOU WITH THE
ACTUAL POSSIBILITY OF YOUR OWN DEMISE,

I CURED THE ONLY THING
REALLY WRONG WITH YOU.

YOUR MORBID CONCERN
FOR YOUR HEALTH.

YOU MONSTER! I SENT MY HUSBAND OUT
TO LOVER'S COVE WITH THAT SEX BOMB,

BECAUSE I THOUGHT I WAS DOOMED.

HOW DO I FIND LOVER'S COVE?

ON THE FAR SIDE OF THE ISLAND.

NOW, THE BEST WAY TO
GET THERE, IS BY BOAT.

- BUT THAT WILL TAKE HOURS.
- HOURS?

OR YOU CAN GO OVER
LAND, THROUGH THE WOODS.

BUT THAT'S QUITE A RUN.

POINT ME!

OUT THE DOOR AND TO THE RIGHT.

DOES THIS MEAN I
WON'T GET MY TIP?

TO YOU, MONICA.

I FEEL VERY COLD.

I BROUGHT SOME BLANKETS.

I'D LOVE IT.

THANK YOU.

DO YOU FEEL IT TOO?

WHAT?

WHAT I FEEL.

I THINK SO.

HOLD IT!

GET ANY CLOSER TO MY OLD
MAN, I'LL BUST YOUR CHOPS.

- NADINE!
- I WANT MY HUSBAND BACK.

I'M NOT GONNA DIE JUST
YET. GIVE ME A KISS, HARVEY.

YOU'RE A VERY LUCKY
GIRL. HE'S A SWEETHEART.

[CHUCKLE]

ALRIGHT, NOW HOW
DID YOU GET HERE?

- I RAN.
- YOU RAN?

HARVEY DARLING, THERE'S
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.

YOU MEAN YOU'RE WELL
AGAIN, LIKE YOU USED TO BE?

UH HUH. AND I THINK
I UNDERSTAND WHY.

I THINK I WAS JUST SO WORRIED
THAT SOME LADY WAS GONNA SNAG YOU

OUT FROM UNDER MY RUNNY
NOSE. A BEAUTIFUL MAN LIKE YOU.

BUT I... I KEPT GETTING SICK SO
I COULD KEEP YOU TIED TO ME.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO
BE SICK TO KEEP ME TIED.

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN YOURS.
AND ALWAYS WILL BE.

[ANNOUNCER] HERE IS FRANK FIBBS,
THE BULL RIDING CHAMPION ON TWISTER!

APPROPRIATE TO HAVE
FRANK COME OUT HERE AT

THE BRIAN KEHOE
INVITATIONAL ALL STAR RODEO.

FRANK FIBBS RIDING TWISTER!
HE'S A FEROCIOUS ANIMAL.

DAD, LOOK AT THAT!

LOOK AT THIS, THERE'S PATCHES
THE CLOWN HOVERING RIGHT BEHIND.

[BUZZER SOUND]

BOY THAT WAS SOMETHING, DAD.

[ANNOUNCER] LET'S DUST
HIM OFF A BIT, PATCHES.

I DON'T THINK RODEO
CLOWNS ARE SO FUNNY.

[BRIAN] CLOWNS AREN'T JUST
FOR LAUGHS AT RODEOS, SON.

THEY SAVE LIVES.

THEY LOOK LIKE JERKS TO ME.

READY, MR. KEHOE?

ALL SET.

TOMMY, WHY DON'T YOU
AND TATTOO STAY HERE.

IT'S VERY DANGEROUS
IN THE CHUTE AREA.

BESIDES, THIS IS THE
BEST SEAT IN THE HOUSE.

MR. ROARKE IS RIGHT, TOMMY. I
DON'T WANT YOU GETTING HURT.

OKAY, DAD.

[ANNOUNCER] ONE OF THE MOST
FEROCIOUS HORSES I'VE EVER SEEN!

HOW ABOUT A ROUND OF
APPLAUSE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

FOR ONE OF THE GREATEST
COWBOYS OF ALL TIME.

THEY ARE WAITING
FOR YOU, MR. KEHOE.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

TRUST ME. DON'T
FORGET THE BANDANA.

[ANNOUNCER] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
THE MAN WHO IS CONSIDERED TO BE ONE OF

THE BEST ALL AROUND COWBOYS BORN...
HE'S WON EVERY TITLE FROM PENDLETON

TO CALGARY, AND MOST IN BETWEEN.

HE'S BROUGHT TOGETHER THE
FINEST COLLECTION OF COWBOYS EVER.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE MASKED
COWBOY, BRIAN KEHOE ABOARD ROLLER THUNDER.

[CHEERS]

COME ON DOWN HERE.
GET DOWN HERE, LET'S GO.

COME ON, GET DOWN HERE.

[ANNOUNCER] POINTS
ARE AWARDED ON THE SKILL

OF THE RIDER, AND THE
DEGREE AND DIFFICULTY

AND SPIRIT OF THE BUCKING HORSE.

THEY'RE JUST ABOUT
READY TO COME OUT.

BRIAN KEHOE, ON ROLLER THUNDER!

ISN'T HE TERRIFIC, TATTOO?

FANTASTIC!

[ANNOUNCER] HE'S GOT IT! HE'S
GOT THE RIDE, A PERFECT RIDE!

ALRIGHT, LET'S MAKE THE SWITCH.

GO ON, GET OUT THERE.

BRIAN KEHOE. THEY WANNA SEE HIM.

THEY WANT HIM TO COME OUT.

COME ON OUT, BRIAN. COME ON OUT.

TAKE A BOW. HERE HE IS, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN. BRIAN KEHOE!

[CHEERS]

TOMMY!

YOU WERE GREAT, DAD!

I'VE DONE A LOT OF CRUMMY THINGS,
BUT I GOTTA TELL YOU RIGHT NOW,

I'VE NEVER FELT SO
ASHAMED IN MY LIFE.

REALLY? BUT YOUR SON THINKS
YOU'RE A GREAT RODEO STAR.

YEAH.

[ANNOUNCER] IT'S ONLY FITTING, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN, THAT WE END THE BULL RIDING

WITH THE MOMENT WE ALL
HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR.

BRIAN KEHOE
CHALLENGING LOCOMOTION.

THERE ISN'T A BULL MEAN
ENOUGH TO THROW BRIAN,

AND NO MAN HAS EVER
RIDDEN LOCOMOTION.

SO HERE WE ARE, THE CLIMAX
OF THE WHOLE AFTERNOON.

BRIAN KEHOE ABOARD LOCOMOTION.

STAY WITH HIM, DAD!

BRIAN IS DOWN!

THAT BULL IS FEROCIOUS. LET'S
GET THE BULL OUT OF THE WAY.

LOOK OUT! THE BULL HIT BRIAN!

NOW THE BULL GOT
PATCHES! PATCHES IS DOWN!

BRIAN, GET OUT OF
THERE! GET MOVIN!

GET SOMEBODY OUT THERE, QUICK!

GET THAT BULL OFF OF BRIAN!

DAD!

BRIAN IS DOWN,
HE'S HURT! HE'S HURT!

SOMEBODY'S GOT
TO STOP THAT BULL!

PATCHES IS HURT, BRIAN IS HURT.

WATCH OUT, THE BULL
IS GONNA CHARGE AGAIN!

HEY BULL!

HEY!

THERE'S SOMEBODY
COMIN... WHO IS THAT?

THAT LOOKS LIKE BRIAN
KEHOE, BUT IT CAN'T BE.

HE'S AN IMPOSTER.

QUICK, GET THE BULL. GET
THE CLOWN OUT OF THE WAY.

LOOK OUT!

GET THAT FELLOW
OUT OF THE ARENA!

GET HIM OUT OF THERE!
GET HIM AWAY FROM THERE!

GET OUT OF THERE! WHOEVER
YOU ARE, GET OUT OF THERE!

GET OFF THE GROUND, HURRY!

HE'S OVER, HE'S GOT IT!

THE CLOWN IS OKAY. HE SAVED
THE CLOWN, HE SAVED PATCHES.

HE SAVED BRIAN KEHOE!

I DON'T KNOW WHO THAT COWBOY
WAS, DRESSED AS BRIAN KEHOE,

BUT WE SURE OWE
HIM A VOTE OF THANKS

FOR SAVING 2 LIVES HERE TODAY.

DAD, I THOUGHT YOU WERE
SUPPOSED TO BE RIDING THE BULL.

YOU KNOW... I WEREN'T SON.

AND I WEREN'T RIDING
THE BRONC EITHER.

IT WAS ALL STAGED FOR YOU.

SEE I'M... I'M NOT REALLY
A BIG STAR. I'M JUST A...

BROKEN DOWN OLD RODEO CLOWN. THE
KIND OF BUM YOUR MOTHER ALWAYS SAID I WAS.

I'M SURE SORRY TO
DISAPPOINT YOU, BOY.

I AIN'T GONNA BE
BOTHERING YOU ANYMORE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU
FEEL ABOUT YOUR DADDY, SON,

BUT ALL I CAN SAY IS
THERE'S NOT A MAN AMONG US

WHOSE LIFE HE HASN'T
SAVED MORE THAN ONCE.

THAT'S RIGHT, BOY. THERE NEVER WAS A TIME
WHEN I NEEDED KEHOE, THAT HE WASN'T THERE.

A MAN DOESN'T LIVE TO BE A CHAMPION
WITHOUT THE HELP OF THE CLOWNS.

BUT HE LIED TO ME!

WELL, IT'S JUST THAT HE WAS
WORRIED THAT YOU MIGHT NOT LOVE HIM

IF YOU FOUND OUT
WHAT HE REALLY IS.

THAT PLANE... MR. ROARKE
SAID YOU WERE ON IT.

I DIDN'T WANT TO GO.

I HAD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

MAYBE YOU'LL JUST
MAKE ME GO AWAY.

BUT... I DON'T CARE IF
YOU'RE A RODEO STAR,

OR A CLOWN OR ANYTHING ELSE.
YOU'RE MY DAD. AND I LOVE YOU.

I AH...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY, BOY.

SAY THAT I CAN STAY WITH
YOU. THAT WE CAN BE A FAMILY.

PLEASE...

I LOVE YOU.

BUT I AIN'T GOT ANYTHING.

I AH... NO MONEY.

I AIN'T EVEN GOT A...

WHOEVER SAID THAT A RELATIONSHIP
BETWEEN A FATHER AND SON

DEPENDED ON MONEY
OR MATERIAL WORTH?

LOOK INTO THAT BOY'S EYES...

AND YOU'LL REALIZE YOU
HAVE EVERYTHING, MR. KEHOE.

PLEASE.

WELL I...

I GUESS I CAN TRY. CAN'T I, SON.

DAD.

[LAUGHING]

- THANK YOU.
- MY PLEASURE, MRS. WINSLOW.

WE WANT TO THANK YOU FOR
FINALLY CURING ME, MR. ROARKE.

AND TO THE FULFILLMENT
OF MY FANTASY TOO.

YOU HARVEY? YOU
HAD A FANTASY TOO?

- YEP.
- WHAT?

ONE THAT CAME TRUE
IN THE LAST 2 DAYS.

WE WERE ABLE TO HAVE A SECOND HONEYMOON
THAT WAS AS GOOD AS THE FIRST ONE.

OH HARVEY, YOU HANDSOME RASCAL.

- THANK YOU.
- YOU'RE WELCOME, MRS. WINSLOW.

MR. WINSLOW.

SON...

WELL MR. ROARKE, I SURE DO WANT
TO THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING.

IT WASN'T EXACTLY WHAT I
EXPECTED, BUT IT SURE TURNED OUT

A LOT BETTER THAN I
EVER THOUGHT IT WOULD.

IT SURE DID. I GOT ME
A FULL TIME DAD NOW.

A REAL CHAMPION TOO.

TAKE GOOD CARE OF EACH OTHER.

YOU CAN BET YOUR BOTTOM
DOLLAR ON THAT ONE.

RIGHT, PARTNER?

RIGHT, DAD.

COME ON, LET'S HEAD
FOR THE BARN, SHALL WE?

TELL ME, TATTOO. HOW
GOES YOUR DANCE LESSONS?

I JUST FINISHED LESSON
NUMBER 5, AND I QUIT.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING
TO BE THE NEXT FRED ASTAIRE?

YEAH, BUT HE ALWAYS GOT THE
GIRL AT THE END OF THE MOVIE.

SO, WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

I GOT A BETTER IDEA. [WHISTLES]

1, 2, 3, KICK.

1, 2, 3, KICK.

1, 2, 3, KICK.