Fantasy Island (1977–1984): Season 1, Episode 9 - The Funny Girl/Butch and Sundance - full transcript

The plane! The plane!

Good morning, boss.

Well, you certainly look
chipper this morning.

Why not? It's only two
days before my birthday.

It is indeed, Tattoo.

And I have been giving
some serious thought...

to how we can make it a
truly meaningful experience.

I bet you have all
my presents wrapped.

And for the party, loud
music, pretty ladies.

- But that's what
you had last year.
- And all the years before.

- Precisely my point.
- What point?



Birthdays should be a noble
time, a time of reflection,

a time of reexamining
one's goals in life.

But I already examined my goals.

That's why I like, uh,
loud music, pretty ladies.

Oh, you're joking, of course.

Now, I don't want to get you excited,
but let me tell you what I have planned.

First, no presents this year.

No presents?

No, I thought we could spend
the evening over a quiet dinner,

just the two of us.

Afterwards maybe,
uh, a game of chess...

and then, perhaps,
uh, a snifter of sherry.

Ah, the Jeep.

No presents?



Chess? Sherry?

He must be kidding.

That's it! He is kidding.

Uh, I hope he's kidding.

Smiles! Smiles, everyone.

We want our guests
to feel welcome.

I know that lady.

Do you? Her name originally
was Katherine Patrino.

- Katherine Capri...
- Patrino.

She's Kay Penny, the
TV star! She's hilarious!

In actuality, I'm afraid, she's a
very unhappy person, Tattoo.

Unhappy? But she's the
most successful lady on TV.

And therein lies her problem.

After years of hard
work and dedication,

she finally reached the
very pinnacle of success...

only to realize that her life
has become totally empty.

What does she
want from us, boss?

A chance, she hopes, we'll help her
find that meaning and direction again.

A chance to be just plain
Katherine Patrino once more.

They look like two cats
about to share a canary.

Perhaps they are,
Tattoo. Perhaps they are.

Alex Farrelli and Bill Cummings.

Like millions of other
young men in today's world,

they live ordered
and regimented lives.

- But they want more.
- Oh, they do indeed, Tattoo.

Alex and Bill have dreams
of excitement, of danger,

of one time in their lives
when they will experience...

the thrill of not knowing
what will happen next.

How can we do all this, boss?

They have provided
the idea themselves.

For this weekend, they
will be their favorite heroes.

This weekend,
Alex and Bill will be...

Butch Cassidy and
the Sundance Kid.

My dear guests, I am
Mr. Roarke, your host.

Welcome to Fantasy Island.

You men look as though
you were born to those outfits.

Sometimes I think we were. You
have no idea what this means to us.

Oh, I think I do, Mr. Cummings...
Or should I say Butch?

Oh, Butch.

Um, uh, follow this road
for about, uh, five miles.

There you will find
a town with a bank,

should you decide to
avail yourselves of it.

Beyond, the hole-in-the-wall hideout,
where the rest of your gang awaits you.

But, uh, you do
realize, of course,

that the two men you've
chosen to emulate were outlaws,

wanted men with a
price on their heads.

We understand what
you're saying, Mr. Roarke,

but the risk you speak of is
exactly why we came here.

Well, then I will
leave you now...

and wish you luck in the
dangerous roles you've taken on.

Come along, Tattoo.

The women in the Old
West were real women.

I wish I was going
with you, Butch.

I'm Sundance. He's Butch.

I still wish I was
going with you.

What do you say, Butch?
Shall we round up our gang?

Not just yet.

- What do you have in mind?
- Well, I was just thinkin'.

I'd feel more comfortable when we ride
in to meet our gang for the first time...

if we had some
cash in our pockets.

Mr. Roarke did say there
was a bank in that town.

You thinkin' you and me
should make a withdrawal?

Well, I can't see any
reason... reason why not.

Come on, Butch.

All right. Let's head somebody
off at the pass. Yeehaw!

It's not much further now.

When you cross over this ridge,

you will leave the celebrated
Kay Penny behind...

and become, once again,
just unknown Katherine Patrino.

There.

It looks just like the
town I grew up in.

Yes, I know.

Uh, your hometown had a day
in your honor last year, did it not?

Yes, it did.

Well, I assure you fame will not be
a problem for you in Cedar Corners.

The surrounding mountains make
television reception totally impossible,

and the residents tend to
ignore the outside world.

You will be nothing more
than a stranger to them.

We wish you luck, Miss Patrino.

- We wish you luck.
- Thank you.

You ready, Sundance?

I've been ready for
this all my life, Butch.

Let's go.

Ten, 20, 30, 40, 50.

Thank you. Morning.

Morning, sir. Can I help you?

I'd like to withdraw some money.

Certainly, sir. The
name of your account?

Uh, Cassidy. B. Cassidy.

Cassidy.

Well, now, I don't seem to
see your account listed here, sir.

Then we'd like to open up one.

Oh, my.

Hold it. Hands up.

Up against that
wall. I'll take that.

Don't shoot. There's
no reason to shoot.

Just take it easy.
Nobody's gonna get hurt.

Oh, I'm taking it easy.

The money. Give me the money.

Let's go, Butch.
Right, Sundance.

You're Butch Cassidy
and the Sundance Kid?

You just had the pleasure of
being robbed by none other.

You can tell your grandchildren
about it, miss. Good day.

Don't stand there!
Get your guns!

They held up the bank! The bank!

Get the sheriff! The
horses too. They're crazy.

I really wanna thank you
guys for givin' me a lift into town.

Well, it isn't often we see a lady
hitchhiker around here. Right, fellas?

It's beautiful, isn't it?

A real, old-fashioned
small town.

Complete with
Founders Day celebration.

And it's full of real,
old-fashioned small-town people.

Are you sure it's
what you're lookin' for?

For now, yeah.

Then I think this might
be the place to let you off.

Here it is.

It's clean, reasonable,
and the food is fantastic.

Come on. Good
morning, Dennis. Hi.

Oh.

Thanks, Pip. Is
Pip short for Philip?

Uh, Pip doesn't talk much,
and it isn't short for anything.

It's... It's instead of Mervin.

- Mervin?
- Mervin.

It's his grandfather's name.

Well, happy hunting, Katherine.

You too, Lloyd. See you later.

Thanks.

Can I help you? Oh, I hope so.

I was looking for a room. Do
you have anything available?

Well, if you're a friend of
Lloyd's, you must be all right.

I think I have a room you might
like just fine. What's your name, dear?

Uh, Patrino. Katherine Patrino.

Katherine! Oh, I
like that name, miss.

Sounds so regal.

You can just call me Aunt
Mary. Everybody does.

Okay. Now, come along,
and I'll show you the room.

Okay.

This has gotta be it,
Sundance. Come on. Yeehaw!

It looks like a real
hole-in-the-wall.

Hey, Slim?

Howdy. Howdy.

Howdy.

I'm Butch Cassidy. I'm Sundance.

Glad to see ya. My name's
Slim. This here's Hank and Bart.

We expected you earlier.

Well, we had to
make a little stop.

At the bank.

Had a withdrawal to make.

- How's business?
- Well, to tell you the truth,
we had a bit of bad luck.

Luck had nothin' to do with it.

We messed it up,
and that's the truth.

Messed what up?

Well, the stage carrying gold
from a mining camp up north.

We tried to hit it for the past
three weeks. Missed every time.

Maybe the right men
haven't tried to stop it yet.

- When does that stage
come back through here?
- This afternoon.

You couldn't help a
lady find a job, could you?

Thanks.

Oh, I was just coming
in to ask about the sign.

Oh? What was you
gonna ask about it?

If you were looking for help.

That's why I put it up.

Oh. Well, here I am... The help.

No. You don't look
like a soda jerk to me.

And besides, I
already got me one.

There's something wrong with
the milk shake mixer, Mr. Peabody.

Uh, check me out tomorrow.

You never can tell.

Oh, uh, Doc Hopper
around the corner,

he's still lookin' for a
receptionist... that is, if you qualify.

Oh, thanks.

Ain't nothin' wrong with the
mixer except the man behind it.

Dr. Hopper it is. Thanks.

Is the doctor in?

Fella, think you can
help me? Is the doctor in?

Hey, bird. Free bird.

Here I am. Well, well!

Are you the doctor?
Dr. Lloyd Hopper, D.V.M.

Hey, you're not here about
that job, are you? Wanna bet?

Don't just stand there. Go get
yourself a jacket and give me a hand.

Oh, okay. Mighty's
gonna be fine.

Don't feed him any
more frozen dinners.

Katherine, are you,
uh, afraid of cats?

Afraid of cats? No.

Terrific. Say hello to Daphne.
She's got a terrific cold.

Oh.

Nice kitty.

It's comin'.

Butch, the stage is
coming! Be careful.

Piece of cake.

Come on! Come on. Git!

Go on.

Ooh! Ooh! Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa! Come on.

Stop them horses! Stop 'em.
You hear me? It's a holdup! Whoa!

What in the heck's goin' on?

Whoa! I said it's a holdup!

Drop them guns! Drop 'em!

All right, hand
down that strongbox.

You folks in there, stay put.

Good goin', Butch. You really
stopped 'em. Real piece of cake.

Butch, you get the privilege
of shootin' off the lock.

Thank you. All right, get that
thing outta here and don't look back.

Hyah! Giddy up! Giddy up! Hyah!
Giddy up! Move on out of here.

Whoo! Hey, that's not bad
for 10 minutes' work, is it?

You two are all they
said you were and more.

Aw, shucks, Slim.
It was nothin'.

Well, let's get this back
to the hole-in-the-wall.

This is yours. Some more.

A little gold. All right.

Y'all go on back. Sundance and
I are gonna do some celebratin'.

- Whatever you say, Butch.
- All right.

Sure stopped that
coach good, Butch.

Well, thank you, Sundance.

See you back at the
hole-in-the-wall, boys. Okay.

Ah, this was better
than robbin' that bank.

Whoa! I forgot about that.

What? The bank.

We can't go back into
town to celebrate. Why not?

- We robbed the bank.
- Oh, yeah.

How much we get from that bank?

$483.

- You got an idea?
- I think so.

Oh, no. Not again.

- Put your hands down.
- You're not here
to rob us again?

No. Not at all.

In fact, we're here to return the
money that we borrowed. Mm-hmm.

With, uh, interest, of course.

It's all there... $483.

Well, I don't know what to say.

Well, you just tell the town that
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid,

we like it here so much, we
don't wanna steal their money.

See ya around.

Thank you, Tattoo.

Well, I must say that your
hobby is rather unique.

Is there a book on Wyatt
Earp that you haven't read?

Uh, not unless there's a new
one published yesterday, sir.

And, uh, your quick draw?

Just an extension
of my hobby, sir.

Uh, Mr. Roarke? Yes?

- When can I begin?
- Well, I think you can begin
right now, Marshal Earp.

I assume that's how you
prefer to be addressed.

It is.

Yes, sir, the chance
of bein' Wyatt Earp...

has been a... a
lifelong fantasy of mine.

I think this is what
you've been waiting for.

Ah, Tattoo. I knew
you were kidding, boss.

Kidding? About my birthday.

- I bet you and Mei-Ling
were cooking up something.
- We were indeed, Tattoo.

I recall what you said
about pretty girls and music.

Well, after our chess game,

Mei-Ling and her mother
are going to come over...

and give us a violin
and cello recital.

Mr. Roarke! Mr. Roarke!

Well, Mr. Ellison, ready
to start your fantasy?

Oh, Mr. Roarke, two
weeks in the jungle!

I can hardly wait.

Boss, I hate to tell you this,

but two weeks in a
jungle with an elephant...

This has to be the dumbest
fantasy I ever heard of.

Sheba! Sheba, hurry! It's time!

It's time, Sheba!

What do you think of
Mr. Ellison's fantasy now, Tattoo?

Any more patients, Katherine?

No. Mrs. Baxter's pet rooster
was the last of them. Good.

Are you always this busy?

Not usually. I guess
people wanna have their

pets looked at before
Founders Day tomorrow.

Why? What happens?

We're closed, but you still
get paid. It's an official day off.

How nice. Well,
I'd better be going.

Mrs. Emery serves
dinner promptly at 6:00.

Oh, Katherine, wait.

Look, uh, you know, Pip and I get kind of
lonesome eating every night by ourselves.

We're not exactly alone. Duke
is there, but his table manners...

I don't understand. What about
your wife? I mean, Mrs. Hopper?

She, uh, passed away
almost a year ago.

I'm sorry.

Listen, if I'm not mistaken, you just had
an invitation, but I haven't had an answer.

Dinner? I'd love to.

Great. Let's go.

♪♪

You know, Sundance? I
could get used to this real easy.

Sure beats the devil out of
Thursday night bowling, Butch.

I'll drink to that. Oh,
honey, that water's hot!

I'll drink to that. All right.

Excuse me.

Aren't you Butch Cassidy
and the Sundance Kid?

I'm Butch. I'm Sundance.

Excellent. And now I'm
glad I found both of you.

Mmm. You with the
local newspaper?

Not quite. Mm-hmm.

Uh-huh. About 5'11".

- Uh-huh.
- You a haberdasher?

Not really.

Well, then who are you and why
are you takin' his measurements?

I'm just a man that
likes to be prepared.

- Prepared for what?
- Your funerals. What else?

F... Funerals?

Funeral?

You know something we
don't? You haven't heard?

Heard what?

Marshal Wyatt Earp
just rode into town.

He said he's going
to kill both of you.

Wyatt Earp? You
gotta be kidding.

In my profession, dying
is not a kidding matter.

And now I could offer
you a variety of coffins.

Wyatt Earp?

Coffins?

Stay out of the street.

You know, this was the nicest
dinner I've had in a long time.

You know, this place
could become habit forming.

Oh, I don't know.

I've always figured that every place
had its advantages and disadvantages.

What really matters is who you're
with and how you feel about 'em.

You may not realize it,
but Pip likes you. I can tell.

You know, he's not usually
receptive to strangers.

Especially lady strangers, huh?

I guess he doesn't like the idea of
anyone ever replacing his mother.

Not that anyone ever
could. She was an original.

You know, I tried to talk
to Pip a few times today.

He just sort of looked up at
me with those big, solemn eyes.

I couldn't even get
him to crack a smile.

Yeah, well, uh, Pip
doesn't talk much.

- I guess I better
get things cleaned up.
- Oh, I'll help you.

No, no. That's all right. You,
uh... You go play with the guys.

Go on! Okay.

Hi!

Mind if I join you?
What are you reading?

20,000 Leagues Under
the Sea by Jules Verne.

You like that?

It's real complicated
reading, you know.

Here. Let me see
it. Oh, come on.

"'I am Captain Nemo, '

he replied in a deep,
resounding voice of great beauty."

Pip?

Pip, what is it?

I, uh... I said Pip
didn't talk much.

The truth is, he
doesn't talk at all.

He hasn't uttered a word
since his mother died.

It's like, uh, well,
except for me and Duke,

his whole world has emptied out.

Well, have you
talked to doctors?

Yeah, there's
nothin' they can do.

It'll have to come from him.

Did his mother read to him?

That was their favorite book.

I think, in some ways, that,

well, Pip identifies
with Captain Nemo.

I think he's hiding himself, uh,
well, to get even with the world...

for taking his mother away.

I'm sorry.

Look, uh, well, the office
is closed tomorrow, so...

Katherine, how about joining me
and Pip at Founders Day tomorrow?

- I'd like to very much.
- Great.

♪♪

Hey, Bonnie! Whoo!

Butch! Sundance!

♪♪

Nice to see you boys.

I don't reckon you'd come peaceful,
so, uh, anytime you're ready.

You ready? Nope.

Me neither.

Those are real bullets!

He's tryin' to kill us.

Oh, no. Not you two again.

Whoa!

You okay, Butch? Yeah.

Gentlemen, you seem
to be in a bit of a hurry.

Mr. Roarke, there's a guy up
there who thinks he's Wyatt Earp.

Indeed. The fastest
gun in the West.

He's tryin' to kill us.
You gotta stop him.

Mr. Roarke cannot do that.

Uh, Tattoo is quite correct.

Marshal Earp has his fantasy
too, and, uh, you are wanted men.

Well, in that case,
we, uh... we want our

fantasy terminated
right here and right now.

Oh, Mr. Cassidy, I'm
afraid I can't do that either.

I tried to warn you of the consequences of
your fantasy before you started, didn't I?

But he's gonna kill us!

For the remainder of the
weekend, he's certainly going to try.

Come on, Butch.
What are we gonna do?

I don't know. I've seen Westerns where
guys had the same problems we do.

What did they do to get
out of it? Run like hell.

♪♪

The whole secret to having
fun at Founders Day...

is to... to get out there and
get involved, participate.

I got Pip in the footrace,
the hot-dog-eating contest.

I mean, first the racing,
then the hot dogs. I hope so.

Okay. Come on, here we go.

Great. Hi. I need two, please.

Well, what are you gonna do? Me?

Yeah. Well, let's see.

I'm, uh, an alternate judge in
the calf's-foot jelly competition...

and a favorite, I might add, in the
two-man sack race with Ben Grover.

He's the fire chief. Mm-hmm.

And I will probably devour enough pie and
fried food to be violently ill for a week.

Oh! Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

What about you? You've
gotta get involved. Oh.

Well, I'm not much for quilting,

and I don't know beans
about calf's-foot jelly.

Su-eee! Su-eee.
Pig, pig, pig, pig.

Pig! Pig!

But I'm great at making noise.

Hear that, Pip? Let's
make some noise.

♪♪ Ah, forget it, George.

That pig just don't give
a hoot. Next contestant.

Here she is, Floyd... Katherine
Patrino... and she's a natural.

All right, Katherine.
Now the rules are simple.

You call the pig, and
if he comes, you win.

But don't get your
hopes up too high.

I think we got
ourselves a deaf pig.

Su-eee! Wa, wa, wa!

Su-eee!

Wa, wa, wa!

Here, pig! Wa, wa!

Watch this.

Here, pig! Su-eee!

Look at this. Hey,
it's been a long time.

All right, folks. Next contestant
in the hog-calling contest.

Next contestant.

Hey, this is fantastic. He hasn't
laughed like this in a long time.

And I think he likes you.

Oh, great. I like you too, Pip.

Well, what shall we do next?

He won't answer you.

Who is this?

The boy's unable to speak.

Not unable, Mr. Donny.
He'll talk when he's ready.

Well, he better be ready by
the beginning of school term,

or he won't be able
to resume his studies.

You don't need to worry about Pip.
He'll do just fine with his schoolwork.

Oh? Not in public school.

I am a member of the
school board, you know,

and your son has no place
in a class with normal children.

Normal? Are you saying he's
abnormal, you overstuffed windbag?

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Would
you like me to get him back?

Watch this, Pip.

Su-eee! Here,
piggy, piggy, piggy.

Su-eee! Wa, wa, wa!

You're a funny lady, Katherine.

All the doctors, all my trying,

and it took you to get through
to him just by making him laugh.

I can't thank you enough.

We better get ready
for that race, huh, Pip?

- See you at the starting line?
- You couldn't keep me away.

Come on, boy. Here we go.

Would you like to be
my friend, pretty lady?

Of course. How beautiful.

I am very flattered.

Mr. Roarke!

Are you enjoying your
life as Katherine Patrino?

Yes. I love it.

And what of the
famous Kay Penny?

Does she have a
place there anymore?

- I'm not sure.
- Oh?

I do know that as Katherine
Patrino I feel more like a person.

Why?

Because I'm not expected to
make people laugh all the time.

And yet your gift of
humor is something...

that many people would
consider most precious.

I'm sure that they would.

Right now I'm not
so sure that I do.

Really? And what was it you used
when you made the little boy laugh?

Who were you then...
Katherine or Kay?

Oh, my dear Miss Patrino,

don't you know that a gift of
humor is like any other gift?

It can be used for good...

or it can be wasted.

What is truly important...

is the person to whom
that gift has been given.

Katherine?

I'll be right there, Lloyd.

You're wrong, Mr. Roarke. I...

Would you like to be
my friend, pretty lady?

This place is too much.

Look-it, I'm dirty, I'm sleepy,
and I'm tired of runnin' all night.

Me too.

But it's better than being a
notch on Wyatt Earp's gun.

But we're Butch Cassidy
and the Sundance Kid.

Now, we can't let some ol' marshal
turn us into lily-livered cowards.

My liver is just fine.
I like it that way.

Well...

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Butch Cassidy and the Kid
wouldn't let that happen to them.

We can't let it
happen to us either.

You'll have to face
him down, Sundance.

What?

Me do what? Face him down.

It has to be you. You're the
better shot. I'll be busy with this.

Are you crazy? You'll
kill us all with this stuff.

Not if you do exactly
as I tell you. Uh-huh.

Look. Well, I may just
have the perfect plan.

All righty then.

On your marks,

get set...

Go, Pipper! Go, baby!

Duke, come on back.

Duke!

Sometimes the anesthetic
has a peculiar effect.

It's almost as if someone has
to pull the animal back to life,

or they just don't wake up.

Is that the way it is with Duke?

I can't be sure.

Pip?

You're afraid Duke's
gonna die, aren't you?

You're afraid that he's gonna leave
you just the way your mother did.

Katherine!

It has to be done.

No one wants to die, Pip.

Your mother didn't wanna
leave you and your father.

It just happened.

And if you loved her, then you've gotta
do what she would've wanted you to do.

You've gotta go on without her.

Pip, you can't stay so
very mad at the world...

that you won't speak.

You've gotta talk to us.

Pip, Duke needs
you to call him back.

You've gotta talk now. Stop!

You're not being fair to Pip.

Lloyd, someone has to say it.

No one can hide
from what they are.

Pip,

you can't be Captain
Nemo forever.

Are you gonna let Duke die
without telling him that you love him?

Duke. I love you, Duke.

Don't die. Please don't die.

Duke's going to be fine,

and thanks to you, so will Pip.

I'm just glad I could help.
Pip would've made it anyway.

You know, ever since we first
met, I've... I've had the feeling...

that you were just
kind of passing through.

Pip and I talked. We, uh...
We'd like you to stay here with us.

I can't.

Not because I don't have
feelings for Pip and for you, too,

but, uh, 'cause of
what I just said to Pip.

About wanting to
hide from life? Yeah.

I can't be Captain Nemo either.

I've gotta be who and what I am.

And if that hasn't brought
me satisfaction so far, well,

I just have to go back to my
life and try and make it work.

I will miss you, Lloyd Hopper.

We'll remember you,
Katherine Patrino.

Oh, dear. It's Wyatt Earp.

Come on. Get off the street!

There's gonna be a
shootout! I said hush! Come on!

It's Wyatt Earp. He's
after the Sundance Kid.

Oh, my!

I've been waitin' a long
time for this, Sundance.

Talk is cheap.

Anytime you're ready, Marshal.

Right there, Marshal.

Look, uh, maybe we oughta
just talk this out, huh? What?

It sure does beat the hell out of
Thursday night bowling, doesn't it?

Mr. Roarke, I want to thank
you for letting me see myself.

I am happy you're pleased.

You are a rare person, no matter
what name you give yourself.

Thank you.

Bye-bye, Tattoo. Au revoir.

Mr. Cummings, Mr. Farrelli, are you ready
to return to the rigors of commuter life?

I guess as ready
as we'll ever be.

But I gotta tell you, there
was a time there at breakfast,

we thought about asking you
to trade in our tickets for home...

for a couple of tickets
to South America.

For a career in bank
robbing, no doubt.

Uh, what made you
change your mind?

Would you believe
we got homesick?

I think you've made an
extremely wise choice.

Good-bye, Mr. Cummings,
Mr. Farrelli. Bye-bye.

Bye.

Oh, Tattoo, I almost
forgot. Happy birthday.

Oh, thank you, boss.

It must be a great relief to
you knowing that this year...

you won't have to
party through the night,

fight off pretty girls,
dance to loud music.

Oh, a great relief. I can
hardly wait for the chess game.

Indeed.

Somehow I have a feeling it
may be days before we get to it.

Behind you.

Surprise!

Happy birthday!

Oh, boss, you were kidding.

Happy birthday, my friend.

Aww!