Fangbone! (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Warbrute of Friendshiip - full transcript
♪ Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh, oh-hh-oh-hh ♪
♪ Skullbania's in mania
Fighting to keep their rule ♪
♪ From the evil magic big toe
Of the Venomous Drool ♪
♪ One barbarian entrusted
With the Crusted Toe of Fate ♪
♪ Portal-blasted to our planet
But can he keep us safe? ♪
- ♪ Fangbone, Fangbone ♪
- ♪ Short of height but tall of fight ♪
- ♪ Fangbone, Fangbone ♪
- ♪ In a cave he sleeps at night ♪
♪ Saving Earth with Bill the Human ♪
♪ Though he has no sword or beard ♪
♪ His weapon is he's weird ♪
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-hh-oh-hh
♪ Fangbone, Fangbone ♪
♪ With his friends
he'll take the chance ♪
- ♪ Fangbone, Fangbone ♪
- ♪ A hero without wearing pants ♪
- ♪ Fangbone, Fangbone ♪
- ♪ One day they will all believe ♪
♪ The soon-to-be the legendary ♪
♪ Come and meet the legendary... ♪
- Song of theme done?
- Eh, pretty much.
♪ Fangbone ♪
[yells]
[game] Skele-Tom defeated!
Musculor wins!
I am Musculor!
[Fangbone] Mm!
This solid milk of cows is delicious.
-Aw.
-No problem.
I filled my loyalty card.
We can get a free one.
-Whoa!
-[ice cream splats]
-[skittering]
-Whatever you are, I'm onto you.
Ah!
And then they vanished.
Did you smell the droppings, Bill?
Of course I didn't smell them.
Why would I smell ghost droppings?
Oh, Bill, a great gift
will soon be bestowed upon you.
We must seek Twinklestick.
And you must stop over-feasting
our rodent of learning.
[belches]
But did you smell the ghost droppings?
Why is that everyone's first question?
No! I didn't smell the ghost droppings!
What's going on?
Your spirit beast companion
is letting itself be known.
My what?
When a member of the Mighty Lizard Clan
comes of age,
he is met by his spirit beast.
A spirit beast represents the heart,
skill, and smell of a barbarian warrior.
And you too, I guess. Way to go.
There have been many mighty pairings.
Clapperclaw and his axe-pincher crab.
Grimeblade
and his hammerhead eagle shark.
Axemere and his fire boar.
I'm getting a spirit beast companion?
That's amazing!
Which one do I get?
I want the most kick-butt beast ever.
It shall kick a thousand of butts, Bill.
But first you must perform
the ritual of spirit beast adoption!
All is told in this ancient
and secret scroll.
"Everything You Want to Know About
Your Spirit Beast Companion, 3rd Edition."
Shalazoo!
Let's do this.
Bill, son of mom of Bill, battle brother
of Fangbone, protector of the toe,
spiky thorn in Drool's side,
- are you prepared for--
- Sure I am, let's go.
Peanut butter and jam. Nice.
Now, Bill, read the words.
Hear me, spirit beast!
Show yourself and be my companion!
-Be my companion forever!
-[thunder cracks]
[wind blows]
[trilling]
What's that?
That is your spirit beast companion.
[gasps] A Squeeclaw.
The keeper of beasts
has truly smiled upon you.
You're kidding, right?
The Squeeclaw is a mighty companion.
-[squeaks]
-And he likes you.
But I wanted a blood hawk,
or an octo-fist,
or a three-horned battle ape.
Not this squeakweasel.
Bill, please! The Squeeclaw has feelings.
He did not mean it, your legendness.
-[sneezes]
-No. Nuh-uh. Forget it.
Bill, the Squeeclaw
chose you for a reason.
Why? Because I'm fluffy and cute and...
-[squeaks]
-...annoying!
No! Squeeclaws are quick, loyal,
and creative, much like you.
I‘m not like a Squeeclaw!
[sneezes]
[Bill] Ooh. Yeah!
Oooh!
Cool PJ's, tough guy. Totes adorbs.
I'm not totes adorbs.
I'm mighty.
Mighty adorbs, then.
- Good night, snugglepuffin.
- Mom.
-[door closes]
-[groans]
Look, you'd be a great companion
for someone small and fuzzy,
-but that's not me, okay?
-[trills, squeaks]
Find someone else to bother.
Fine, have it your way.
-[squeak]
-[gasps]
[mutters]
[squeaks]
Ah! Hey!
Squeeclaw!
[shouts in pain]
[groans]
Bill, did you charge into battle
without me?
It was that lame Squeeclaw.
[chuckles]
Not so lame if it bested you.
Good morning, class.
Today, we're learning
about the exciting world of...
[groans] ...leaves?
Aww!
-[all chattering]
-Cuteness levels approaching one hundred.
- Get out of here.
- Bill?
[stammers]
Bill, this isn't crazy dance hour.
That's later this afternoon.
But Ms. G, it's... nothing?
Where was I?
Oh, yes.
All trees have leaves.
Or needles, I guess.
Are needles leaves?
[squeaks]
Someone wants their belly rubbed.
I'm trying to learn about leaves.
Ow!
Bill, there's absolutely no hitting
in class, even if it's yourself.
You must respect your spirit beast, Bill.
How can I?
It's an annoying squeaky fuzzball--
[gasps]
Squeeclaw, I'm warning you.
-[squeaks]
-[growls]
Ha!
-Bill!
-Ah!
Uh, one second, Ms. Gillian.
Let's see you get out of this,
smarty paws.
Oh, come on!
[chitters]
- Boop. Impressive.
- Quick, loyal, and creative, Bill.
[groans]
Of all the possible spirit beasts,
I had to get stuck with--
Oh.
Ms. Gillian, may I go to the bathroom?
Too weak. Too small. Too boring.
Ah, see, this, this is what
my spirit beast should be.
Something like this.
Look, it's not you. It's just...
I'm sorry.
Hear me, spirit beast!
Bill... [grunts]
this is not the room of bathing--
[gasps] What are you doing?
It's okay. I'm just trading in
my spirit beast for a cooler one.
-[thunder cracks]
-Be my companion forever!
-Bill!
-[squeaks frantically]
[roaring]
See? That's my new tar-spitting dragon.
[giggles] Awesome, right?
Spirit beasts cannot be traded
like trading beasts, Bill!
You summoned the spirit beast
of someone else!
Lunchtime, Mr. Bitey-face.
Mr. Bitey-face?
[TV] They're beautiful,
but don't get too attached...
Keep watching.
[all groan]
[roaring]
[both scream]
Oh, man! Watch out!
[screaming]
[kids screaming]
[pants] Oh!
- That's not good.
- No, it is not.
Bill, we must save our comrades
before they become dragon feed,
and later dragon dung.
Hmm.
[both panting]
Whoa...
Indeed. And no branches to climb.
Use your sword as a branch.
We can climb, then jump.
- Ingenious, Bill.
- And, jump!
[Dibby] My gears are gummed-up.
Don't worry. I have a plan.
Time to get free!
We're doomed.
[all groan]
-[all] Yay!
-Shh!
Fangbone, can you cut them free?
[grunts]
I do not think so, Bill.
Curse this tenacious tar.
[grunts]
Fangbone, stop.
[dragon roars]
Fudge.
Oh, this is all my fault.
-[squeaks]
-Ah! Squeeclaw?
As you have the card of loyalty
to the frozen milk of cows,
the Squeeclaw
has the card of loyalty to you, Bill.
[squeaking]
What do we know about tar dragons?
They've gotta have a weakness.
They're vain.
That's it? Okay, uh...
Guys, make fun of the tar dragon.
Hurt its feelings.
Hey, tar dragon!
You're not sparkly at all!
I've seen better scales
at the supermarket!
Drag-on? More like drag-off.
Hey, dragon,
you know what else has six legs?
Three losers!
Don't real dragons breathe fire?
No wonder you're the one getting burned,
you ugly, flying,
dirt-spitting barf snake!
P.S., you suck!
-[all scoff]
-Ouch!
[grunts]
Thanks, Squeeclaw.
[shouts]
Whoa! Ah!
Ha ha! Yes, Bill! Infuriate it!
[growls]
Yeah!
[shouts] Whoa!
[dragon roars]
Bill!
[screams]
[all] Yeah!
I couldn't have done it without--
Hey, where's the Squeeclaw?
I mean, where's my Squeeclaw?
I need to say thanks
and tell it how awesome it is.
Spirit beast companions only appear
in times of great need.
And they require no thanks.
How did--?
[groans] Never mind.
[moans]
Stop it! You brought this on yourself.
And don't you ever...
[shouts] Ever!
[voice breaks] Run away again.
I never asked, but...
what's your spirit beast companion,
Fangbone?
Mine has yet to show itself,
but I would be lucky
to have a Squeeclaw like you.
[both pant, gasp]
[roaring]
- Fangbone.
- This is merely a minor setback.
Minor? You said it's undefeatable.
No, I said a Dreadhorn
could not be beaten in battle,
and that it was very, very...
[roars]
Loud.
There! Come get us, horn-head!
Yes, tear us limb from limb!
Drink from our hollowed-out skulls!
Bite off our arms--
Okay, that's great. He gets the point.
Brilliant, Bill.
What is the next step in your plan?
Come up with a better plan tomorrow.
[roars]
[Fangbone groans]
Foul sleep, you cannot escape me forever.
- What ghost-mallow is this?
- It's a pillow, Fangbone.
They're more comfortable
than, you know, skulls.
Lizard Clan barbarians sleep only
on the bones of the vanquished.
I just thought it might help.
[rumbling]
Since with horn-head still out there,
we both can't sleep.
This is too soft,
like everything else in this world.
Thank you, Bill,
but I have no need for this pill-ow.
Okay. But don't complain if you're--
[snores]
- Is he even alive?
- Fangbone's just really tired.
Uh! The goat-men are upon us!
[all scream]
Oh, is it that time of year again?
It's just foam.
"Hail lowly serfs, your class
has been cordially invited
to Slam-a-lot, the medieval
edutainment spectacular."
[all] Field trip?
-Hey, why not?
-[all cheer]
[grunting]
Jump! Parry!
Thrust sword!
- Lunge! Sword!
- Parry!
I can't believe Ms. G's missing this.
Bill, this world had swords?
And you stopped using them?
[screams]
[kids] Wow!
Bill, that was the smash-hammer
troll smasher.
Every Skullbanian infant
knows that attack.
I dedicate this victory
to Grom's one-eyed...
Princess Sunflower!
These pretend kay-nights
are not what they seem.
Speak truth! You are Skullbanian!
Skull-- Skullwho-ian?
I have never heard of that
distant magical world.
I am called Harry,
and I hail from the remote holdfast
of Santa Barbara.
So say the gods!
- His tongue tells no lies.
- Raised on a wolf farm Harry was.
I see.
Then I am sorely mistaken.
My apologies, Harry.
In Skullbania, we fight.
With barbarian right and barbarian might,
no troll or orc shall go unsmite!
-And...
-[both shout]
Ha!
A mere human head would have exploded.
You are Skullbanian!
As we say in my world, "busted".
Indeed we are busted.
I am no Harry. I'm Hairfang,
war leader of the Skull Basher Clan.
Hairfang? Because of your--
Yes. Courage.
The Skull Basher Clan?
I am honored to be
in the presence of true heroes.
I am Fangbone, sword brother of Bill.
And this is Bill,
brain brother of Fangbone.
We are the keepers
of the evil toe of Venomous Drool!
-Ooh!
-Nice!
If you guys are Skullbanian,
how'd you end up in a mall parking lot?
Ours is an epic tale of triumph and woe,
best told by this hella dope
brushing of air.
Many moons ago, the clans of Skullbania
united to face a dire threat--
The Doomshadow.
But even our combined strength
was not enough.
So I, Hairfang,
forged a most desperate plan.
We Skull Bashers lured the Doomshadow
into tongue-reach
of the ever-hungy World Maw.
And lo, the World Maw
did swallow the Doomshadow.
But as its name foretold,
it was still hungy for more.
Instead of meeting our fate,
we found ourselves in this world,
emerging from what your people call
a "pothole" beside a Taco Burger.
We lost many brave warriors
that horrible afternoon.
They did not perish in vain.
It was destiny that brought you here
to help us defeat Drool
and his evil Dreadhorn.
It has been a while, but...
Sure?
[shouts]
[shouts]
[roaring]
- There is something I must say.
- Fear not, brave Hairfang.
There will be much time to boast
of mighty deeds after our victory.
Prepare yourselves.
The wretched beast is upon us.
Oh, great Grom!
Skull Bashers, charge!
[both yell]
[all whimper]
Has wax barricaded your ears?
I shouted, "Charge!"
Look at that beast.
- It is twice cray! No, thrice cray!
- I will show you how to...
What smith is responsible
for this abomination?
They're fake, like the arrow.
- I tried to say so.
- But...
Run!
It has been many, many moons
since we Skull Bashers
marched to war.
You have become like this pill-ow.
Soft, without edge,
and filled with bird scales!
I do not wish to see, nor hear, nor smell,
nor speak of the Skull Basher clan again.
Bill and I will battle
the Dreadhorn alone.
Fangbone, I...
You have brought shame on all barbarians!
- Sorry.
- I'm sure he'll get over it.
-[Fangbone screams]
-[glass shatters]
It might take a little while.
Our first years in this world
were difficult.
There were many more of us once.
It took time to learn the ways
of toasters...
We were so hungy.
...crosswalks and sprinklers.
Curse you, sprinklers!
Then we discovered your show business
and conquered the realm
of educational medieval re-enactment!
- But it has changed us.
- I get it.
You had to change and learn new ways,
which meant giving up old ones.
Fangbone still sees everything
like a Skullbanian.
It's hard for him to understand.
You are a worthy battle brother
to Fangbone, Bill.
And have given me an idea.
Do you ever shave that thing?
Shave a tooth? Ridiculous!
[all laugh]
[groans] Where do you lead me, Bill?
Are we hunting sleep?
What? No! I refuse to even--
[shouts]
[roaring]
Bill, what have you done?
[rock music plays]
[Bill] Put your horns together
for the masters of mayhem,
the warriors of wicked awesome,
the destroyers of the Doomshadow,
Hairfang and the legendary Skull Bashers!
Bill, I do not understand.
The Skull Bashers are useless.
[Hairfang] Useless?
Skull Bashers,
teach that Lizard Clan whelp a lesson!
[all shout]
Uh-oh. Ooh!
It's an old-school shield-splitting
Skullbanian grudge match!
I will not fight cowards.
You have no choice and no hope.
[all grunt]
It's a whole clan
against one lone barbarian!
How will he survive?
[groans]
Ahh!
Oh, but Fangbone is no ordinary barbarian.
What is the meaning of this?
What the--?
Stop! Stop this foolery!
Not since the days of Stoneback
have we seen such a warrior.
He's the one, the only,
Fangbone the Mighty!
Mighty? Ha! Face me, Fangbone!
[both grunting]
- Why do you do this?
- It is the only thing we can do.
Ah!
Smash-hammer troll smash.
Smash-hammer troll smash!
[shouts]
Oh, my Grom, it's over!
I pass to the nightlands,
knowing I've been defeated
by the greatest warrior of all eternity,
Fangbone.
It's time for the main event!
Fangbone the Perfect
versus
the basically already lost Dreadhorn.
The only way to defeat
an undefeatable beast
is not to fight it at all.
[chuckling]
I owe you and your clan an apology.
I would be proud to edutain at your side.
And we would be proud to "fight" by yours.
This time next year?
We are on tour.
[grunting]
In Skullbania, we fight.
[all] With barbarian right
and barbarian might,
no troll or orc shall go unsmite.
-And...
-[both grunt]
Farewell, Fangbone and Bill! Farewell!
Bill, have you seen this?
If you turn it over,
the other side is cold!
See? You're changing. And that's okay.
Am I, Bill? Am I?
That's never gonna work.
It'll be too hard.
[snores]
♪ Oh-oh-oh, oh-hh-oh-hh ♪
♪ Skullbania's in mania
Fighting to keep their rule ♪
♪ From the evil magic big toe
Of the Venomous Drool ♪
♪ One barbarian entrusted
With the Crusted Toe of Fate ♪
♪ Portal-blasted to our planet
But can he keep us safe? ♪
- ♪ Fangbone, Fangbone ♪
- ♪ Short of height but tall of fight ♪
- ♪ Fangbone, Fangbone ♪
- ♪ In a cave he sleeps at night ♪
♪ Saving Earth with Bill the Human ♪
♪ Though he has no sword or beard ♪
♪ His weapon is he's weird ♪
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-hh-oh-hh
♪ Fangbone, Fangbone ♪
♪ With his friends
he'll take the chance ♪
- ♪ Fangbone, Fangbone ♪
- ♪ A hero without wearing pants ♪
- ♪ Fangbone, Fangbone ♪
- ♪ One day they will all believe ♪
♪ The soon-to-be the legendary ♪
♪ Come and meet the legendary... ♪
- Song of theme done?
- Eh, pretty much.
♪ Fangbone ♪
[yells]
[game] Skele-Tom defeated!
Musculor wins!
I am Musculor!
[Fangbone] Mm!
This solid milk of cows is delicious.
-Aw.
-No problem.
I filled my loyalty card.
We can get a free one.
-Whoa!
-[ice cream splats]
-[skittering]
-Whatever you are, I'm onto you.
Ah!
And then they vanished.
Did you smell the droppings, Bill?
Of course I didn't smell them.
Why would I smell ghost droppings?
Oh, Bill, a great gift
will soon be bestowed upon you.
We must seek Twinklestick.
And you must stop over-feasting
our rodent of learning.
[belches]
But did you smell the ghost droppings?
Why is that everyone's first question?
No! I didn't smell the ghost droppings!
What's going on?
Your spirit beast companion
is letting itself be known.
My what?
When a member of the Mighty Lizard Clan
comes of age,
he is met by his spirit beast.
A spirit beast represents the heart,
skill, and smell of a barbarian warrior.
And you too, I guess. Way to go.
There have been many mighty pairings.
Clapperclaw and his axe-pincher crab.
Grimeblade
and his hammerhead eagle shark.
Axemere and his fire boar.
I'm getting a spirit beast companion?
That's amazing!
Which one do I get?
I want the most kick-butt beast ever.
It shall kick a thousand of butts, Bill.
But first you must perform
the ritual of spirit beast adoption!
All is told in this ancient
and secret scroll.
"Everything You Want to Know About
Your Spirit Beast Companion, 3rd Edition."
Shalazoo!
Let's do this.
Bill, son of mom of Bill, battle brother
of Fangbone, protector of the toe,
spiky thorn in Drool's side,
- are you prepared for--
- Sure I am, let's go.
Peanut butter and jam. Nice.
Now, Bill, read the words.
Hear me, spirit beast!
Show yourself and be my companion!
-Be my companion forever!
-[thunder cracks]
[wind blows]
[trilling]
What's that?
That is your spirit beast companion.
[gasps] A Squeeclaw.
The keeper of beasts
has truly smiled upon you.
You're kidding, right?
The Squeeclaw is a mighty companion.
-[squeaks]
-And he likes you.
But I wanted a blood hawk,
or an octo-fist,
or a three-horned battle ape.
Not this squeakweasel.
Bill, please! The Squeeclaw has feelings.
He did not mean it, your legendness.
-[sneezes]
-No. Nuh-uh. Forget it.
Bill, the Squeeclaw
chose you for a reason.
Why? Because I'm fluffy and cute and...
-[squeaks]
-...annoying!
No! Squeeclaws are quick, loyal,
and creative, much like you.
I‘m not like a Squeeclaw!
[sneezes]
[Bill] Ooh. Yeah!
Oooh!
Cool PJ's, tough guy. Totes adorbs.
I'm not totes adorbs.
I'm mighty.
Mighty adorbs, then.
- Good night, snugglepuffin.
- Mom.
-[door closes]
-[groans]
Look, you'd be a great companion
for someone small and fuzzy,
-but that's not me, okay?
-[trills, squeaks]
Find someone else to bother.
Fine, have it your way.
-[squeak]
-[gasps]
[mutters]
[squeaks]
Ah! Hey!
Squeeclaw!
[shouts in pain]
[groans]
Bill, did you charge into battle
without me?
It was that lame Squeeclaw.
[chuckles]
Not so lame if it bested you.
Good morning, class.
Today, we're learning
about the exciting world of...
[groans] ...leaves?
Aww!
-[all chattering]
-Cuteness levels approaching one hundred.
- Get out of here.
- Bill?
[stammers]
Bill, this isn't crazy dance hour.
That's later this afternoon.
But Ms. G, it's... nothing?
Where was I?
Oh, yes.
All trees have leaves.
Or needles, I guess.
Are needles leaves?
[squeaks]
Someone wants their belly rubbed.
I'm trying to learn about leaves.
Ow!
Bill, there's absolutely no hitting
in class, even if it's yourself.
You must respect your spirit beast, Bill.
How can I?
It's an annoying squeaky fuzzball--
[gasps]
Squeeclaw, I'm warning you.
-[squeaks]
-[growls]
Ha!
-Bill!
-Ah!
Uh, one second, Ms. Gillian.
Let's see you get out of this,
smarty paws.
Oh, come on!
[chitters]
- Boop. Impressive.
- Quick, loyal, and creative, Bill.
[groans]
Of all the possible spirit beasts,
I had to get stuck with--
Oh.
Ms. Gillian, may I go to the bathroom?
Too weak. Too small. Too boring.
Ah, see, this, this is what
my spirit beast should be.
Something like this.
Look, it's not you. It's just...
I'm sorry.
Hear me, spirit beast!
Bill... [grunts]
this is not the room of bathing--
[gasps] What are you doing?
It's okay. I'm just trading in
my spirit beast for a cooler one.
-[thunder cracks]
-Be my companion forever!
-Bill!
-[squeaks frantically]
[roaring]
See? That's my new tar-spitting dragon.
[giggles] Awesome, right?
Spirit beasts cannot be traded
like trading beasts, Bill!
You summoned the spirit beast
of someone else!
Lunchtime, Mr. Bitey-face.
Mr. Bitey-face?
[TV] They're beautiful,
but don't get too attached...
Keep watching.
[all groan]
[roaring]
[both scream]
Oh, man! Watch out!
[screaming]
[kids screaming]
[pants] Oh!
- That's not good.
- No, it is not.
Bill, we must save our comrades
before they become dragon feed,
and later dragon dung.
Hmm.
[both panting]
Whoa...
Indeed. And no branches to climb.
Use your sword as a branch.
We can climb, then jump.
- Ingenious, Bill.
- And, jump!
[Dibby] My gears are gummed-up.
Don't worry. I have a plan.
Time to get free!
We're doomed.
[all groan]
-[all] Yay!
-Shh!
Fangbone, can you cut them free?
[grunts]
I do not think so, Bill.
Curse this tenacious tar.
[grunts]
Fangbone, stop.
[dragon roars]
Fudge.
Oh, this is all my fault.
-[squeaks]
-Ah! Squeeclaw?
As you have the card of loyalty
to the frozen milk of cows,
the Squeeclaw
has the card of loyalty to you, Bill.
[squeaking]
What do we know about tar dragons?
They've gotta have a weakness.
They're vain.
That's it? Okay, uh...
Guys, make fun of the tar dragon.
Hurt its feelings.
Hey, tar dragon!
You're not sparkly at all!
I've seen better scales
at the supermarket!
Drag-on? More like drag-off.
Hey, dragon,
you know what else has six legs?
Three losers!
Don't real dragons breathe fire?
No wonder you're the one getting burned,
you ugly, flying,
dirt-spitting barf snake!
P.S., you suck!
-[all scoff]
-Ouch!
[grunts]
Thanks, Squeeclaw.
[shouts]
Whoa! Ah!
Ha ha! Yes, Bill! Infuriate it!
[growls]
Yeah!
[shouts] Whoa!
[dragon roars]
Bill!
[screams]
[all] Yeah!
I couldn't have done it without--
Hey, where's the Squeeclaw?
I mean, where's my Squeeclaw?
I need to say thanks
and tell it how awesome it is.
Spirit beast companions only appear
in times of great need.
And they require no thanks.
How did--?
[groans] Never mind.
[moans]
Stop it! You brought this on yourself.
And don't you ever...
[shouts] Ever!
[voice breaks] Run away again.
I never asked, but...
what's your spirit beast companion,
Fangbone?
Mine has yet to show itself,
but I would be lucky
to have a Squeeclaw like you.
[both pant, gasp]
[roaring]
- Fangbone.
- This is merely a minor setback.
Minor? You said it's undefeatable.
No, I said a Dreadhorn
could not be beaten in battle,
and that it was very, very...
[roars]
Loud.
There! Come get us, horn-head!
Yes, tear us limb from limb!
Drink from our hollowed-out skulls!
Bite off our arms--
Okay, that's great. He gets the point.
Brilliant, Bill.
What is the next step in your plan?
Come up with a better plan tomorrow.
[roars]
[Fangbone groans]
Foul sleep, you cannot escape me forever.
- What ghost-mallow is this?
- It's a pillow, Fangbone.
They're more comfortable
than, you know, skulls.
Lizard Clan barbarians sleep only
on the bones of the vanquished.
I just thought it might help.
[rumbling]
Since with horn-head still out there,
we both can't sleep.
This is too soft,
like everything else in this world.
Thank you, Bill,
but I have no need for this pill-ow.
Okay. But don't complain if you're--
[snores]
- Is he even alive?
- Fangbone's just really tired.
Uh! The goat-men are upon us!
[all scream]
Oh, is it that time of year again?
It's just foam.
"Hail lowly serfs, your class
has been cordially invited
to Slam-a-lot, the medieval
edutainment spectacular."
[all] Field trip?
-Hey, why not?
-[all cheer]
[grunting]
Jump! Parry!
Thrust sword!
- Lunge! Sword!
- Parry!
I can't believe Ms. G's missing this.
Bill, this world had swords?
And you stopped using them?
[screams]
[kids] Wow!
Bill, that was the smash-hammer
troll smasher.
Every Skullbanian infant
knows that attack.
I dedicate this victory
to Grom's one-eyed...
Princess Sunflower!
These pretend kay-nights
are not what they seem.
Speak truth! You are Skullbanian!
Skull-- Skullwho-ian?
I have never heard of that
distant magical world.
I am called Harry,
and I hail from the remote holdfast
of Santa Barbara.
So say the gods!
- His tongue tells no lies.
- Raised on a wolf farm Harry was.
I see.
Then I am sorely mistaken.
My apologies, Harry.
In Skullbania, we fight.
With barbarian right and barbarian might,
no troll or orc shall go unsmite!
-And...
-[both shout]
Ha!
A mere human head would have exploded.
You are Skullbanian!
As we say in my world, "busted".
Indeed we are busted.
I am no Harry. I'm Hairfang,
war leader of the Skull Basher Clan.
Hairfang? Because of your--
Yes. Courage.
The Skull Basher Clan?
I am honored to be
in the presence of true heroes.
I am Fangbone, sword brother of Bill.
And this is Bill,
brain brother of Fangbone.
We are the keepers
of the evil toe of Venomous Drool!
-Ooh!
-Nice!
If you guys are Skullbanian,
how'd you end up in a mall parking lot?
Ours is an epic tale of triumph and woe,
best told by this hella dope
brushing of air.
Many moons ago, the clans of Skullbania
united to face a dire threat--
The Doomshadow.
But even our combined strength
was not enough.
So I, Hairfang,
forged a most desperate plan.
We Skull Bashers lured the Doomshadow
into tongue-reach
of the ever-hungy World Maw.
And lo, the World Maw
did swallow the Doomshadow.
But as its name foretold,
it was still hungy for more.
Instead of meeting our fate,
we found ourselves in this world,
emerging from what your people call
a "pothole" beside a Taco Burger.
We lost many brave warriors
that horrible afternoon.
They did not perish in vain.
It was destiny that brought you here
to help us defeat Drool
and his evil Dreadhorn.
It has been a while, but...
Sure?
[shouts]
[shouts]
[roaring]
- There is something I must say.
- Fear not, brave Hairfang.
There will be much time to boast
of mighty deeds after our victory.
Prepare yourselves.
The wretched beast is upon us.
Oh, great Grom!
Skull Bashers, charge!
[both yell]
[all whimper]
Has wax barricaded your ears?
I shouted, "Charge!"
Look at that beast.
- It is twice cray! No, thrice cray!
- I will show you how to...
What smith is responsible
for this abomination?
They're fake, like the arrow.
- I tried to say so.
- But...
Run!
It has been many, many moons
since we Skull Bashers
marched to war.
You have become like this pill-ow.
Soft, without edge,
and filled with bird scales!
I do not wish to see, nor hear, nor smell,
nor speak of the Skull Basher clan again.
Bill and I will battle
the Dreadhorn alone.
Fangbone, I...
You have brought shame on all barbarians!
- Sorry.
- I'm sure he'll get over it.
-[Fangbone screams]
-[glass shatters]
It might take a little while.
Our first years in this world
were difficult.
There were many more of us once.
It took time to learn the ways
of toasters...
We were so hungy.
...crosswalks and sprinklers.
Curse you, sprinklers!
Then we discovered your show business
and conquered the realm
of educational medieval re-enactment!
- But it has changed us.
- I get it.
You had to change and learn new ways,
which meant giving up old ones.
Fangbone still sees everything
like a Skullbanian.
It's hard for him to understand.
You are a worthy battle brother
to Fangbone, Bill.
And have given me an idea.
Do you ever shave that thing?
Shave a tooth? Ridiculous!
[all laugh]
[groans] Where do you lead me, Bill?
Are we hunting sleep?
What? No! I refuse to even--
[shouts]
[roaring]
Bill, what have you done?
[rock music plays]
[Bill] Put your horns together
for the masters of mayhem,
the warriors of wicked awesome,
the destroyers of the Doomshadow,
Hairfang and the legendary Skull Bashers!
Bill, I do not understand.
The Skull Bashers are useless.
[Hairfang] Useless?
Skull Bashers,
teach that Lizard Clan whelp a lesson!
[all shout]
Uh-oh. Ooh!
It's an old-school shield-splitting
Skullbanian grudge match!
I will not fight cowards.
You have no choice and no hope.
[all grunt]
It's a whole clan
against one lone barbarian!
How will he survive?
[groans]
Ahh!
Oh, but Fangbone is no ordinary barbarian.
What is the meaning of this?
What the--?
Stop! Stop this foolery!
Not since the days of Stoneback
have we seen such a warrior.
He's the one, the only,
Fangbone the Mighty!
Mighty? Ha! Face me, Fangbone!
[both grunting]
- Why do you do this?
- It is the only thing we can do.
Ah!
Smash-hammer troll smash.
Smash-hammer troll smash!
[shouts]
Oh, my Grom, it's over!
I pass to the nightlands,
knowing I've been defeated
by the greatest warrior of all eternity,
Fangbone.
It's time for the main event!
Fangbone the Perfect
versus
the basically already lost Dreadhorn.
The only way to defeat
an undefeatable beast
is not to fight it at all.
[chuckling]
I owe you and your clan an apology.
I would be proud to edutain at your side.
And we would be proud to "fight" by yours.
This time next year?
We are on tour.
[grunting]
In Skullbania, we fight.
[all] With barbarian right
and barbarian might,
no troll or orc shall go unsmite.
-And...
-[both grunt]
Farewell, Fangbone and Bill! Farewell!
Bill, have you seen this?
If you turn it over,
the other side is cold!
See? You're changing. And that's okay.
Am I, Bill? Am I?
That's never gonna work.
It'll be too hard.
[snores]