Family Ties (1982–1989): Season 1, Episode 13 - Sherry Baby - full transcript

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ and I'll bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ on the night we kissed

♪ and I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ and there ain't no nothin' ♪

♪ we can't love
each other through ♪



♪ ooh-hoo

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ sha-la-la-la.

I don't mean to be rude,

but do you guys mind if I use
this room for a while?

Oh, no, go right ahead.

Well, what I mean is...

What I'm trying to say...

Want us to leave?

Well, not right away.

I was hoping you could help me
clean up before you left.

Do we have to leave
the grounds altogether?

Can we find a room
somewhere to hide?



Oh, you don't understand.

Sherry Marshall's
gonna be here any minute,

and I'm anxious to make
a good impression on her.

Who is Sherry Marshall?

She happens to be a Pi Nu,

the best sorority
in the whole world.

She's the president!

Is she coming alone or with
some secret service agents?

Yesterday, out of all the kids
in Mrs. Pober's class,

Sherry picked me to do
her science project with her.

I think she may ask me
to pledge the sorority,

so I want everything
to be perfect.

Dad, can you give me a hand
with Skippy?

Oh, no! Why are you
bringing him in here?

Is that the voice of my beloved?

Is that you, Mallory?!

I'm not your beloved, Skippy.

We've been through this before.

I am your neighbor
and ex-babysitter.

What happened?!

Oh, he was going out for a pass,

and he ran into the pole.

I told you
to run a down-and-in, Skippy.

You were supposed to
go to the pole and stop.

I did... I stopped
when I hit the pole!

Get a cold rag, honey.
Come sit down, Skippy.

Oh, mom! Don't let him sit down!

Sherry's gonna be here
any minute.

He's hurt. He's got to sit down.

Well, then, at least
cover him up with something.

Can't you talk nicely to Skippy?

Sorry, dad.

Listen, Skip, uh...

It's vital that you leave now.

Someone very important
is on her way over to see me.

Obviously, I don't want her
to think I know you.

I understand.

Much better.

Come on, Skippy, let's take
a look at that scratch.

Steven: Yeah.

That's her!
Quick... get him out of here!

Oh, Mallory!

Hurry! Hurry!
Before she sees me!

Hi, Sherry. Come on in.

Hi.

You know, I am really glad
we're partners.

It's gonna be a lot of fun,

and it's a great chance for us
to get to know one another.

Yeah, great.

Where's Alex?

Huh?

Alex Keaton.
Isn't he your brother?

I suppose
technically he is, yeah.

Anyway, I was thinking
about something

along the lines of ecology.

Maybe a chart
showing the breeding cycles...

Yeah. So, uh, is he here?

Well, I don't know.
We're really not that close.

I run into him now and again
down at the market.

Oh, I hope you don't mind.

It's time for
the commerce and shipping news.

Alex, we do mind.

We're doing a project
for school here.

All right, all right.
I'll listen to it upstairs.

It's a lot more exciting
in stereo, anyway.

Wait. You know what?
I'll go with you.

I just love
the commerce and shopping news.

"Shipping."

Ah. Right.

You know,
I don't think we've met.

I'm Sherry Marshall.

Great. Take care of yourself.

So, anyways, what do you think
about the ecology thing?

Or maybe you have
something else in mind.

Does Alex ever go out
with any of your friends?

No, never.

He says he has some kind
of reputation to uphold.

That's too bad.
He's really cute.

I was hoping, um,
we could double-date sometime.

Double-date? Me and you?

But if Alex never goes out
with your friends...

Uh, did I say "never"?

I don't know
what I was thinking.

You know, come to think of it,

there's still some openings
on our sorority list.

We're voting on them next week
at our big dance.

That'd be a great place
for a double date.

I forgot my globe.

Uh, how's your project coming?

It's starting to shape up.

Ah!

I've come up
with a terrific idea

for Mallory's science project.

Isn't Mallory supposed to
come up with an idea?

Her idea was for dad
to come up with it.

Anyway, I think she should try

making a scale model
of a molecule.

Mallory can't even make a salad.

Steven, I can see it coming...

You're gonna do
the whole project for her.

Unh-unh.

I learned my lesson on
that relief map of South America

I did for Jennifer.

I had to take an incomplete
on that one.

I explained that to you,
Jennifer.

I ran out of paste.

Anyway, I still think
you should have handed it in.

Mrs. Dannon's pretty sharp.

I think she would have noticed
if Brazil was missing.

Hi, honey.

Hi. Okay.

Uh, Jennifer, don't sit there.
That's Alex's chair.

Since when?

Well, he prefers to sit there.

I think we should let Alex
have his way on that.

He asks so little of us.

Have you been under
your hair dryer too long?

Morning. Steven: Hey, Alex.

Oh, hi, Alex.
Your favorite chair is ready.

I've been holding it for you.

What kind of cereal will
you be having this morning?

This kind.

Let me get that for you.

Uh, would you like some toast
to go with that?

No, I'm, uh...
I'm going in early this morning.

I haven't got time
to wait for toast.

Well, have dad's.

I'm sorry, dad.
I-i didn't know you wanted that.

Sure. T-there was no way
you could tell.

Alex, what would you say

if I told you
I could get you a date

with one of the most popular
girls in school?

I'd say that I don't need
your help to do that.

Like who?

She is a wonderful girl
with a great personality.

No, sounds bad already.

Look, Mallory, this wouldn't be
your friend Sherry, would it?

Right.

No way. Why not?

Well, just the fact that
you want me to go out with her

is enough reason not to.

That's sweet.

Look, Alex,
for some strange reason,

Sherry Marshall
thinks you're cute.

Now, I want you
to go out with her,

say great things about me,
and help me get into Pi Nu.

Mallory, you sound a little
desperate about the sorority.

I'm not desperate,
but I want to get in.

Is it worth
joining the sorority, though,

if you have to be manipulative
and deceitful to get in?

Yeah.

Aw, mom, you know
what these things are like.

The hard part is getting in.

And then once you're in,
then you can be yourself.

Well, that's my ride.
I got to be in early today.

Oh, what do you say, Alex?

She really thinks you're cute.

Listen, Mallory,
I don't go out with girls

who have I.Q.s
lower than room temperature,

who have contagious diseases,

or who are friends of yours.

And there's certainly some overlap
in those three categories.

How's your science project
going, dad?

Well, it's not
my science project, Jennifer.

It's Mallory's.

Having some trouble with it.

What is it?

Uh, ice.

Don't let it melt.

No...

It's not really ice.

This is a perfect representation

of a group
of crystallized water molecules.

Your father's very proud of it.
He's hoping for an "a."

Alex, why won't you
help me out on this?

It's just one date. That's all.

It's the principle, Mallory.

I am not some cheap floozy
available for one-night stands

with people you want to impress.

Next thing, you'll be asking me
to jump out of a cake.

Hi. Hope I'm not
interrupting anything.

Hi, Skippy. Actually, no.
We're just going in to dinner.

As luck would have it,
I'm free for dinner tonight!

That is lucky.

Forget it, Skippy.

She's kidding. You're welcome
to stay for dinner.

But call your mother.

She sent me over.

So, Skippy,
what do you think of my...

I mean, uh, Mallory's,
uh, science project?

Well, my dad... I mean,
mine came out better.

Mallory's not finished yet.

Alex, I'm not just here
for dinner tonight.

I'm here
for a victory celebration.

Congratulate me and pay me.

What are you babbling about?

Well, remember that bet we made
about six years ago

that I would never get any grade

higher than a "c" in school?

Well, read this and weep.

This is a Hygiene test.

This doesn't count.

Look at these questions.

"When do you use soap?"

How could you miss that?

A test is a test, Alex!
You owe me 50 bucks!

I haven't got 50 bucks.

It's dinnertime...
For one of you.

Your mother said
I could stay, Mallory.

She's had a high fever, Skippy.
She hasn't been herself.

Skip.

If I can get Mallory
to let you stay for dinner,

will you knock 5 bucks off?

I'll take off $10.

You drive a hard bargain,
Skippy.

You know, I could be persuaded
to, uh, forget the entire $50

if you could get Mallory
to... Go out with me.

I'd love to go along with you
on that one, Skip,

but let's try and stay
in the real world here.

Well, it's just a chance for us

to help each other out,
that's all.

Dinner is on the table!

Mallory, uh, can I talk to you
for a second?

What is it?

I was thinking, Mallory...

Yesterday, you came to me
in your hour of need

to ask of me a favor.

I think that my rejection
might have been a little hasty.

You mean
you'll go out with Sherry?

Yeah, I-i think so.

Great! That is wonderful!

Uh, there is, however,
one small favor

that I'd like to ask of you.

Name it. Anything.

I'd like you to go out on a date

with, uh...

Young Irwin, here.

I'd rather enter a convent.

I'm flattered
by the competition.

Come on, Mallory,
we can make this palatable.

It doesn't have to be
a long date.

You don't even have to be civil.

Do I have to talk to him?

Skip?

Well, a couple of words
would be nice.

Of course
you'll have to talk to him.

Then it's off.

Conversation's overrated,
Skippy.

The important thing is
you'll be together.

Okay, forget the talking.
I'm flexible on that one.

Do I have to go out in public
with him?

That's up to Alex.

Yeah, I'm afraid so.
See, we'll double-date.

We'll go together
to the Pi Nu dance.

I'm not dancing with him.

There's not gonna be
any dancing, Skippy.

There's got to be dancing.
This point is non-negotiable.

I don't think
he's bluffing, Mallory.

All right, one dance.

Two dances... one slow.

Mallory?

I'd almost rather die
than do this.

Sounds like a "yes" to me, Skip.

Now, don't lay it on
too thick, okay?

I mean, tell Sherry
how wonderful I am and all that,

but don't get too gushy
about it.

I'll try and control myself.

Hey, you two guys look great.

Oh, you really think so?
I'm so nervous.

What's the big deal?

The big deal is that my life,
my reputation,

my entire social status
is in Alex's hands.

Then you shouldn't be nervous.

Oh?

You should panic.

Well, everybody all ready to go?

Alex: Yeah. I guess.

You look terrific, Mallory.

Thanks, mom.

Mallory, uh, this is for you
from mom and me.

Oh, thank you!

Now, I was under the impression

that you two weren't too crazy
about the idea of my joining.

Well, we're not happy
about the way you're getting in,

but we know
it's important to you.

Alex, what made you
change your mind

about going out with Sherry?

Well, I, uh, I thought it over,

and I realized that if it meant
that much to Mallory,

it means that much to me.

Okay, you don't have to tell us
if you don't want to.

Steven: Skip!

Skippy, what are you doing here?

I told you I'd meet you there.

I know, but you didn't tell me
where it was.

Uh, m-Mallory,
I don't mean to pry,

but I'm kind of surprised
that, uh, you and Skip...

Well, I mean,
that the two of you...

That we're going out
on a "date"?

Yeah.

I had to do it.

It's the only way I could get
Alex to go out with Sherry.

Yeah, you see, uh,
I'm going out with Sherry

so Mallory will go out
with Skippy

so I don't have to pay Skippy
the money I owe him

on a stupid bet.

Ah, to be young and in love.

So, this is a great sorority.

All girls, right?

Right.

Well, I think
you're making a great move

asking my sister to join.

I mean, she is a girl
and everything.

Alex... Did anyone ever tell you

that you have
a really cute nose?

This one? Yeah.

Yeah, I like the way it just
sits right there,

just right in the middle
of your face.

Well, I've tried
other locations,

but I've always found
that this one works best.

You're funny, Alex.

You know...

I find a sense of humor in a man

to be incredibly...
Sexually exciting.

A priest and a rabbi
are in a rowboat...

Hi, you two. Having fun?

We were.

Now, don't believe everything
Alex tells you.

I do have some flaws.

Here's one now.

So, Alex, how you doing
with your woman?

Come on, Skippy, I'm gonna have to
dance with you sooner or later.

Let's get it over with.

They make a cute couple,
don't you think?

Now, where were we?

Oh, I can't remember exactly.

Something about you finding me
incredibly exciting.

You know, Alex, I've admired you
from afar for a long time.

Well, now you can admire me
from a-close.

Okay, everyone. Okay.

This is the moment
we've all been waiting for.

It's time to announce
the lucky new members of Pi Nu!

Congratulations,
Karen Sheldon...

Donna Baldwin...

Annette Marilla...

and Katie Brewster!

Welcome to our little family.

Excuse me.

Are you sure you didn't miss
any names on that list?

No, that's all.

Um, my name's Mallory Keaton.

Can you check one more time?

I don't see your name
on here anywhere.

I don't think it was submitted.

I don't understand.

Come on, Alex. Let's go home.

Alex, let's go.

Mallory, do you mind?

Alex, my name
was not on the list

to pledge the sorority.

Oh, what are you talking about?

Sherry, wasn't Mallory's name
on the list?

I don't know. I'm not
on the membership committee.

W-well, I thought
you said you were gonna...

Well, Mal, these things happen.

I mean, obviously,
Sherry did all she could.

Alex, I want to go home now.

Sorry. I-i know how you feel.

I'll see you there.

You're not coming with me?

I have responsibilities,
Mallory.

I'm needed here.

Mallory...

I'll take you home.

Mallory!

Hi, dad.

Why are you sitting here
in the dark?

I was just thinking.

What's that?

Oh, this is your, uh,
science project.

I couldn't sleep,

so I thought
I'd work on it a little.

How am I doing on it?

I'll be honest, Mal...
You're having trouble.

At this point, it's a "b"
or a b-plus, at best.

Well, dad, what's important
is not the grade

but what you learn from it.

How was the dance?

It's terrible.

I wasn't even invited
into the sorority.

Honey, w-w-what happened?

Do you want to talk about it?

What happened is that Sherry never
even put my name on the list.

I mean, she got what she wanted,
then forgot all about me.

Oh, Mal, I'm sorry.

How could I be so stupid?

Sherry was just using me.

Look, this may be hard to face,

but, uh,
weren't you using her, too?

That's different.

How?

It worked for her.

Thought I heard voices.

How was the party?

Jennifer,
your brother is a jerk.

I know that. How was the party?

You didn't get in, did you?

Nope.

I'm sorry, honey.

Forget them, Mallory.

We don't need
those stinky P.U.s, anyway.

Pi Nus.

Same thing.

How could Sherry
use me like that?

And Alex knew she used me,

and he still stayed there
with her.

Well, we haven't heard
Alex's side of the story.

Well, what could he say?

"I'm sorry
Sherry ruined your life,

but I think she's cute"?

Yeah, he could say that.

I can definitely
picture Alex saying that.

I never got my slow dance!

The party's over, Skippy!

Aren't you afraid
you're spoiling him?

It's just Skippy.

You know, Mallory, for someone
who was treated rudely tonight,

you haven't learned
any lessons from it.

What do you mean?

It's a little difficult for us

to have any sympathy
for the way Sherry treated you

with Skippy out there
in the shrubbery.

Alex!

Thought I saw a light on.

Alex, you have a lot of nerve
coming back home.

Mallory, just hear me out.

Yeah, I'll bet
Alex told that Sherry off.

You probably just didn't
want to walk out on her.

You were just being polite,
right, Alex?

Right, Alex?

Talk to me, Alex!

Can I speak to Mallory
alone, please?

Well, you guys do have
some things to work out.

Let's go on up to bed.

Skippy, why don't you go
into the kitchen

and make yourself
a few dozen sandwiches?

Okay, but don't go to bed
without telling me.

I hope you're proud
of yourself, Alex.

What kind of brother are you?!

Wait a minute, Mallory.
Let's go back a few steps here.

You're the one
who started this whole thing.

You wanted me
to go out with Sherry.

You wanted me to like her.

Yeah, but you were
supposed to stop liking her

once I didn't get into Pi Nu.

I'm sorry... I should have
read my rule book

on trickery and manipulation
in teenage dating.

Ohh. No.

Don't play martyr with me, Alex.

You used me to get out
of your bet with Skippy.

I used you?

You used me first
to go out with Sherry

to get you into Pi Nu.

That's only because Sherry was
using me to get to you.

Exactly. Sherry used me.
You used me.

I'm the only one
who got used twice.

And I wasn't even trying
to get into anything!

Well...

you know what I mean.

Listen to us.

We're arguing over
which one of us was more sleazy.

I think you won.

Let's face it.

This has been
quite an unsavory chapter

in our young lives.

I guess.

You know, when you think of it,

the only one of us
who was pure of motive

and noble of heart
is that young man in there.

Skippy: I'm sorry!
I-I'll clean that up!

I don't know, Alex.

It's like I had
temporary insanity or something.

I wanted to get into
that sorority so bad

that nothing else mattered.

Everybody goes through
a moment or two like that

in their lives, Mallory.

Where was my pride,
my self-respect?

They didn't want me.
Why did I want them?

They do have great sweaters.

I'm sorry, Alex.
I really owe you an apology.

Well, it's possible
that my behavior

has not exactly
been above reproach.

I owe you an apology, too.

Accepted.

You know, if it makes you
feel any better,

I told Sherry that if you
weren't good enough for her,

she wasn't good enough for me.

I'm not gonna be
seeing her anymore.

That's for me.

But you just said...

Yeah, well, that's not Sherry.

That's Lisa.
She's the sergeant at arms.

She's not like
those other girls.

You'd really like her.

I'll bet.

Why don't you go on up
and go to bed?

I will.

I got something
to take care of first, though.

What?

I owe somebody something.

Can you come in here, please?

Irwin, they're playing our song.