Family Guy (1998–…): Season 9, Episode 8 - New Kidney in Town - full transcript

(SINGING) It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there 's a family guy

Lucky there 's a man who
positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He 's a family guy

Okay, okay, I got one.

Would you rather have dinner
and then sex with Megan Fox's body



with Leonard Nimoy's head on it

or reroof an entire condo complex
by yourself?

-Oh, boy.
-Can I close my eyes?

No, eye contact the whole time
and a Iot of kissing.

Well, how about Megan Fox's head
on Leonard Nimoy's body?

I know, somehow that's better.

The hybrid organism exists
as I've described it.

How many units are in the condo?

-Thirty-two.
-Tile roof or shingles?

Yeah, 'cause it makes a difference
what you're carrying up that Iadder.

-Wait, whose neck is it?
-Huh?

I mean, where's the cutoff?

You know, is it Megan Fox's neck

or am I burying my face in
Leonard Nimoy's turkey gizzard?



-Nimoy's neck.
-You have got yourself a roof.

I'II take the Spock-Fox intercourse.

AII right, Peter, your turn.

Boxers or briefs?

-What?
-That's the worst one I've ever heard.

Look, I'm sorry. I'm exhausted, all right?

I didn't get any sleep 'cause Brian and
the neighbor's dog kept me up all night.

BRIAN: Hello?

-Hello?
-DOG: Hello.

-BRIAN: Are you a dog?
-Yes!

BRIAN: I am also a dog.

DOG: AII right!
BRIAN: Yeah!

DOG: We're dogs!
BRIAN: Yeah, we're dogs!

DOG: We're dogs that Iive near each other!

DOG 2: Hey, are you guys dogs?

BRIAN: Yeah!
DOG: We're totally dogs!

BRIAN: Yeah, both of us!

Oh, wow. Well, if you're that tired, Peter,

maybe you should have some coffee.

Yeah, or you could have some Red Bull.

Red Bull? What the hell is Red Bull?

You never heard of Red Bull?
It's an energy drink.

Here you go, Peter. It's on the house.

So? What do you think?

(SINGING) And I feel like ljust got home

And I feel

And I feel like ljust got home

And I feel...

Good evening. Our top story tonight,

Barack Obama makes a visit
to James Woods High School.

Yes, it's time to get jiggy with it, Quahog...
I thought we had taken that out.

President Barack Obama
will visit James Woods High next month,

and this little town of ours
couldn 't be more abuzz.

Oh, my God, this is gonna be so amazing!
It's all anybody in my class is talking about.

-Darn it, why is this so hard?
-What's wrong, Chris?

Just 'cause Obama's coming,
everybody in my English class

has to write a stupid essay about hope.
But this is all I can come up with.

Chris, this is just a shaded-in triangle
and the word "muff."

For God's sakes, Meg, it's a first draft.
Just tell me if you think the tone is right.

Well, I don't know what this is,
but it's not what hope is about, Chris.

Well, if you're such a genius,
you tell me what hope is.

Hope is what gets you out of bed
in the morning

when it's the day of prom
and you haven't been asked.

Hope pushes the caterpillar
through the cocoon

and drives the salmon upstream.

Your breasts may be small
and your glasses may be thick,

but hope doesn't hold up a mirror.

Hope is a horizon we head for,
Ieaving nothing behind us but fear.

And though we may never reach our goals,

it's hope that will save us
from who we once were.

Wow. Did you Iearn that at school?

No. You can't just Iearn
creative writing, Chris.

It's got to be inside you, Iike musical talent

or athleticism or the ability
to choose to be gay.

-I don't think they choose that.
-Oh, please, they choose that.

(DOORKNOB RATTLING)

(TALKING RAPIDLY) Hey, hey, hey, hey!
What's up, party people?

What the hell are these things,
curtains or something? Boring!

-Holy smoke, it's crowded in here.
-Hey!

There, that's terrific.
It opens up the whole room.

Peter, there you are.
Where the hell have you been?

I've been worried sick.

Oh, so I had a few Red Bulls,
drove to New York.

What's the big deal? There's my Iittle man!

(STEWIE EXCLAIMING)

-Done!
-Wow, Dad, that was pretty cool.

Can I try some Red Bull?

Oh, my God, can you try some Red Bull?

Chris, I'd take it as an insult if you didn't.

Here you go, have some cans,
one, two, three, four, five.

Go on, take 'em, take 'em,
take 'em, take 'em.

(LAUGHING) That's what
Woody Woodpecker says.

AII right, I'm gonna go outside
and milk the cow.

-Peter, where'd you get that cow?
-Oh, that's a silly question, Lois.

I bought it so we can have
fresh milk every day.

(MOOING)

Whoa, boy, that Red Bull's
some strong stuff.

(SCREAMING) Ahhh!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Hey, everybody, welcome back
to The Price Is Right.

Time to spin the wheel.

Top winner for the day is Peter,

so you're gonna be the first to spin it.

Go ahead, Peter, close as you can
to a dollar without going over.

(BEEPING)

AII right, while we're waiting
for the wheel to spin,

you want to say hi to anybody?

Oh, yeah, Drew,
I want to say hi to Lois, Brian,

Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie,
Quagmire, CIeveland,

Mort, Seamus, Adam West,
Dr. Hartman, Bruce,

Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker,
Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert,

Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken,
Greased-up Deaf Guy!

Okay. I'm sure they're happy to hear that.

(ALL SCREAMING)

(MOANING)

Whoa, paramedics, come on down!

(LAUGHING)

Mom, oh, my God, guess what!

Oh, God! You scared the shit out of me.

You know that essay about hope
I had to write?

Well, the principal said
it was the best one in the class,

and he wants me to read it aloud
to introduce the President!

Chris, that's incredible!

Remember when I used to
come to school to wipe you,

and I'd say, "Someday I won't
have to wipe you anymore

"and you'II do great things"?

Well, this has been a big year for us.

Wait a second. Give me that.

"Hope pushes the caterpillar
through the cocoon

"and drives the salmon upstream."

I wrote that! You stole this from me.

Hey, you didn't say I couldn't use it.

But now you get to meet the
President of the United States

because of what I wrote.

I bet you don't even know
what his first name is.

I... I don't know... Mike?

Hey, what are you doing?

Lois, where is my Red Bull?

Peter, I got rid of it.

Why the hell would you do that?

It was making you crazy,
and it's not good for you.

That's why I poured it all out in the garden.

(GRUNTING)

Official flower business.

(MAN EXCLAIMS)

What are you doing, Peter?

I'm making my own Red Bull.

Lois can't stop me from experiencing

the manic highs and Iows
my body demands.

Whoa, whoa, hang on,
you're adding kerosene?

Peter, that's insane.
That'II destroy your body.

Kerosene is fuel, Brian. Red Bull is fuel.
Kerosene is Red Bull.

Now, why don't you Ieave me alone
while I'm doing my important work?

Peter, that drink will kill you.

Brian, whatever kills me
makes me stronger.

(SIGHS)

See, Brian? I feel great.

Peter? Peter, are you alive?

(GROANING)

You're alive. Okay, I won't...

I won't eat you then.

I was gonna eat you.

Dr. Hartman, please tell me,
is my husband gonna be all right?

Cancun, actually, thanks for asking.
Just got back.

Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid
all the toxic chemicals

your husband ingested
from his homemade energy drink

-have caused total kidney failure.
-(GASPS)

(ALL GASPING)

How was Cancun?

Oh, my God. Kidney failure?
Is he gonna be okay?

Well, yes and no.

We'II put him on a kidney transplant Iist,
but that could take months.

Until a donor is found,
he's gonna have to undergo

dialysis treatments three times a week.

Dialysis? Is there any other way?

Yes, there is.

No, no, no, no, no! Wait, wait.
We'II do the dialysis.

Hey, Doc, I'm here for my dialysis.

Have a seat, Peter. Let's get you hooked up.

Doc, I don't know
how much more of this I can take.

-It's been three weeks.
-I know, I saw the caption.

Yeah, but I just go crazy
just sitting here for so Iong.

I know it's tough, but maybe there's
something I can do to make it easier.

Here, play with this bucket of afterbirth.

Heh!

The Lockhorns. AIways Iocking horns.

(GASPS) Oh, my God,
that's why they call it that.

Oh, Peter, you got here just in time!
Chris is almost on.

Shh! Mom, here it is.

As Quahog prepares for the arrival
ofPresident Barack Obama,

it will be a very big day
for one local teenager

who will be reading his essay
to introduce the President.

I sat down with accomplished
wordsmith Chris Griffin.

"Hope is a horizon we head for,
leaving nothing behind us but fear. "

Chris, tell me
how those words came to you.

Do you believe in angels, Tom?

Of course I do.

-Well, there you go.
-I suspected angels.

-lt was angels.
- Very good.

Chris Griffin, a wea ver of dreams
at the loom of the mind.

A weaver of dreams
at the loom of the mind.

A neat thing I just said. And now sports.

Oh, Chris, we are so proud of you.

I got to admit, Chris, this is pretty exciting.
When did you become so coherent?

Mom, I wrote that!
He stole it, and he's taking all the credit!

Chris, is that true?

You didn't write anything!
This is my essay!

Meg, is that true?

No, he's Iying!

That should be me getting
to meet the President!

Meg, for God's sake, relax.

You're not the first person
to be outshined by a sibling.

What about the third Brontë sister?

Oh, Emily, Wuthering Heights
was truly splendid.

Oh, no, Charlotte,
Jane Eyre was so very brilliant.

I made blood out me Iady parts!

Good for you. So we've all done something.

It's happening now.

-Ah. It's a period joke.
-It's a period period joke.

(LAUGHING)

Okay, moving on.

MAN ON TV: Coming up next,
Charles in Charge.

Oh, my God!

I want to watch this,
but I got stupid dialysis at 3:00.

I am so sick of this crap
mucking up my Iife.

Well, Peter, I mean, what,
you can get away with

skipping one treatment, right?

I mean, that's not gonna kill you.

Yeah, it's probably just
Iike missing an antibiotic.

You just take the next one.

Yeah, you're probably right.
Besides, it's Charles in Charge.

JOE: You know what I Iike?

The "Charles" part is formal,
but the "In Charge" part is kind of casual.

QUAGMIRE: Oh, wow. Remember this?

Remember when nobody had
any muscle tone?

(CHARLES lN CHARGETHEME PLAYING)

QUAGMIRE: Geez, how many "A's"
does that guy need?

JOE: Two, apparently.

QUAGMIRE: You know, it's kind of
weird that '80s white clothes

could pass for '90s black clothes.

JOE: Yeah, is that
Iike a rummage sale thing?

QUAGMIRE: Ah! Nicole Eggert.

JOE: Didn't she bang somebody gross?
QUAGMIRE: I don't know.

JOE: Yeah, I feel Iike she
banged somebody gross.

QUAGMIRE: You know,
I heard the sweater budget

on this show was 200 grand.

Didn't you tell me that, Peter?

Oh, my God! Peter, you don't Iook so good.

What are you talking about? I feel great.
Like I could go another 20 years or more.

(SPLASHING)

Dr. Hartman, this was just too close a call.

Next time, we could be too Iate.

Suppose he's stuck somewhere, or...
Or he's trapped in an elevator

or God knows what else? He could die!
He needs a new kidney now!

Well, as I said, Mrs. Griffin, he's on a Iist,
but there are a Iot of people ahead of him.

Well, what are the chances
of getting him moved up the Iist?

Honestly, not great. It could be months
before he can get a transplant.

Unless you know someone
who's a compatible organ match

and would be willing
to donate one of theirs.

I'II do it. He could have one of my kidneys.

Well, we always check spouse
records for compatibility.

I'm afraid you're not a match.

But it turns out
you are a match for a Iittle girl

who's dying in that next room over there.

Oh, well, how 'bout we concentrate
on this family, Doctor?

Well, the only other option is your children.

No, I won't put the kids through that.

Well, then I don't know what else to do.

You'II just have to roll the dice
and hope a kidney comes through soon.

Well, what about me?

Is that possible, Doctor?

Well, I suppose.

Stranger things have
happened in medicine.

I once tried to clone a chicken.

The result wound up
being a man-sized chicken

that was incredibly hostile
and ended up escaping from the Iab.

Okay, Doc, we got to have
a talk at some point,

but Brian, are... Are you...
Are you sure about this?

Well, there's no harm in seeing
if I'm compatible.

Well, according to these results,
Brian is a match.

(ALL CHEERING)

Hooray, yay, yeah, ice cream sounds great.

The only thing is...

Mrs. Griffin, could I speak with you
and Brian alone, please?

Well, of course.

-Kids, why don't you wait in the car?
-Okay, Mom.

Let's go find the big, black sassy nurse.
There's always one.

WOMAN: You can cry about it,
or you can decide to Iive.

-It's your choice.
-STEWIE: Found her.

Hey, what is it, Doc?

Well, as a dog, Brian's kidneys are smaller

and don't have the capacity
of a human kidney.

For the procedure to work,
we would need to transplant two.

But... But I only have two.

That's right. The procedure would kill you.

(LAUGHING)
That car's getting towed!

My God, Dr. Hartman,
isn't there any other way?

I'm afraid not, Mrs. Griffin.

BRIAN: I'II do it.

What?

I'II... I'II do it. I'II give you my kidneys.

But Brian, you'II die!

Peter, you're my best friend.

You... You gave me a home
when I didn't have one.

And you've treated me Iike
a family member ever since.

I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you.

I'd probably be dead anyway,
Iying under some freeway overpass.

And I... I wanna... I wanna return the favor.

After all, I'm... I'm a dog.
I have another eight years, at best.

I'm... I'm willing to give that up
so you can have another 40.

Brian, I... I... I don't know what to say.

You're saving my Iife.

Well, you saved mine.

And, hey, we... We had
a Iot of good years together, right?

Yeah. We...

We sure did, buddy.

Hello, everyone.
Lois, did you put Stewie to bed?

Yeah, he's asleep.

Good. I'd rather he didn't know
about this till it's over.

He's just a baby.

Now, since the operation is
tomorrow, I thought it might be

a good idea to just kind of close
the book, you know?

So I just wanted to share
my final thoughts

with each one of you.

Meg, you're so beautiful on the inside,

but it's very important that
you know your Iimitations.

What do you mean?

Well, I know they say "Reach for the stars,"
but if we all did that,

there'd be nobody Ieft here on Earth, right?

I guess.

(CHUCKLES) There you go.

Chris, I have watched
you grow from a Iittle boy

into the young man you are today.

I know sometimes Iife seems tough,

but you just remember
to reach for the stars.

You really think I can?

I know you can, slugger!

And, Lois, I only ask this

because of the dire situation
I'm in, but can I...

Can I hump your Ieg
for 15 uninterrupted seconds?

I suppose so, Brian.

(RUSTLING)

I... I said you could do it for 15 seconds.

BRIAN: Didn't need it.

No! It can't be!

Where... Where am I?

We're at the playground, Brian.
I kidnapped you.

You and I are going
to spend the rest of our Iives

Iiving right here under the slide.

Stewie, what the hell?
Are you out of your mind?

I most certainly am not!

I know what you're planning to do,
and I won't allow it!

You're not going to kill yourself
for that fat bastard!

Look, I've made up my mind, all right?
Now untie me.

No, I will not!
How dare you make plans to abandon me!

Come on, you, you can Iive
without a dog, Stewie,

but you can't Iive without a father.

And besides, how exactly
do you think we're supposed

to Iive here on the playground?

We'II do fine, Brian!
Everything is right here where we need it!

The jungle gym is the grocery store,
the swing set is the mall,

the seesaw is the post office,
and the sandbox is our summer home.

Can you believe it, Brian?
We... We have a summer home!

I mean, yes, we'II... We'II have
to rent it out some years to help pay for...

Oh, no, wait, no, we won't, because
I'm a famous race car driver. I forgot!

Stewie, you're not a race car driver.

And if you don't Iet me go right now,
you're gonna Iose your dad.

(SNIFFLING)

But Brian, I... I don't wanna Iose anybody!

I don't... I don't wanna Iose anybody!

(CRYING)

Oh, my God. Just stop, stop, just stop it.

But Brian, I Iove you!

(LOUDLY SOBBING)

Oh, God, just wipe your nose, man!

Can I have a hug, Brian?

Oh, no, no, God, no, no, not now, no!

-I want a hug! I Iove...
-No, no. Just wipe...

-Oh, God, there's no KIeenex.
-I Iove you, Brian!

-I Iove you so much!
-Go... Go roll around in the sandbox...

In the summer house! Go...
Go to the summer house and roll around!

Well, here we go.

You know, buddy,
I'm really gonna miss having a dog.

Hey, what do you say
you be my dog one Iast time, huh?

Sure, Peter. Whatever you want.

Hey, hey, whassat?
Whassat, boy? Whassat?

Uh. Surgical equipment.

Whose is that? Whose is that?

Probably belongs to the hospital.

Whassat for? Huh? Whassat for?

Um. Cutting me open,
harvesting my organs and killing me.

You gonna go get it? You gonna get it, boy?

No, I think, I think the doctors need it.
Can we... Can we just Iay here?

Dr. Hartman, what're you...
You're not dressed for surgery.

I sure am.

But I... I don't understand.

Well, you see, Mrs. Griffin,
I found another donor for your husband.

You did? Who?

-Me.
-What?

It turns out I'm a perfect match.

And I'm willing to give up
one of my kidneys.

Oh, my God, Dr. Hartman,
you'd do that for us?

Well, the truth is you folks are
my only remaining patients.

I couldn't afford to Iose two of you.

What do you mean, two of us?

Well, chances are Peter never
would have survived the surgery.

I mean, I mean, dog kidneys?

I'm not even sure dogs have kidneys.

-Do dogs have kidneys?
-Yes.

This... This is the guy.

Oh, my God, Brian...

-You're gonna Iive!
-(INDISTINCT, HAPPY TALKING)

-Oh, I Iove you!
-I Iove you!

Good evening, Iadies and gentlemen.

I'm happy to welcome you all
here to our auditorium

for something that's not a terrible play.

In fact, tonight we're graced

with the presence
of our Commander in Chief.

But first, to introduce him
is a very talented young man,

James Woods' own Chris Griffin.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Thank you, Principal Shepherd.

My sister Meg will be helping me
introduce the President,

since we wrote this essay together.

"What is Hope?" by Chris and Meg Griffin.

Hope is what gets you
out of bed in the morning

when it's the day of prom
and you haven't been asked.

Hope pushes the caterpillar

through the cocoon
and drives the salmon upstream.

Your breasts may be small
and your glasses may be thick,

but hope doesn't hold up a mirror.

CHRIS: Hope is a horizon we head for,
Ieaving nothing behind us but fear.

And though we may never reach our goals,

it's hope that will save us
from who we once were.

(APPLAUSE)

And now...

Ladies and gentlemen...

-President Mike Obama!
-President Barack Obama!

(SINGING) You gotta be sincere

(SWOONS)

You gotta be sincere

You gotta feel it here

'Cause ifyou feel it here

Well, then you're gonna be

Honestly sincere

(WOMEN SCREAMING)

Ifyou're really sincere

Ifyou're really sincere

Ifyou feel it in here

Then it's gotta be right!

Oh, baby!

Oh, honey!

Hug me!

Suffer!

(EXCITEDLY SCREAMING )

English - US - SDH