Family Guy (1998–…): Season 9, Episode 9 - And I'm Joyce Kinney - full transcript

Lois becomes friends with the new news anchor, only to have her reveal Lois's most embarrassing secret on air.

* It seems today
that all you see *

* is violence in movies
and sex on TV. *

* But where are those
good old-fashioned values *

* on which we used to rely? *

* Lucky there's a family guy. *

* Lucky there's a man
who positively can do *

* all the things that make us *

* laugh and cry. *

* He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! *

* Family Guy 9x09 *
New Kidney in Town
Original Air Date on January 9, 2011

Okay, okay, I got one.



Would you rather have dinner and
then sex with Megan Fox's body

with Leonard Nimoy's head on it

or re-roof an entire
condo complex by yourself?

Oh, boy.

Can I close my eyes?

No, eye contact the whole time
and a lot of kissing.

Well, how about Megan Fox's head
on Leonard Nimoy's body?

I know, somehow that's better.

The hybrid organism exists
as I've described it.

How many units
are in the condo?

Thirty-two.

Tile roof or shingles?

Yeah, 'cause it
makes a difference

what you're carrying
up that ladder.



- Wait, whose neck is it?
- Huh?

I mean, where's the cutoff?

You know,
is it Megan Fox's neck

or am I burying my face in
Leonard Nimoy's turkey gizzard?

Nimoy's neck.

You have got yourself a roof.

I'll take the
Spock-Fox intercourse.

All right, Peter, your turn.

Uh...
Boxers or briefs?

What?

That's the worst one
I've ever heard.

Look, I'm sorry.
I'm exhausted, all right?

I didn't get any sleep
'cause Brian

and the neighbor's dog
kept me up all night.

Hello?

- Hello?
- Hello.

- Are you a dog?
- Yes!

I am also a dog.

- All right!
- Yeah!

- We're dogs!
- Yeah, we're dogs!

We're dogs that live near each other!

Hey, are you guys dogs?

Yeah! We're totally dogs!

Yeah, both of us!

Oh, wow.
Well, if you're that tired, Peter,

maybe you should
have some coffee.

Yeah, or you could
have some Red Bull.

Red Bull?
What the hell is Red Bull?

You never heard of Red Bull?

It's an energy drink.

Here you go, Peter.
It's on the house.

So? What do you think?

* And I feel
like I just got home... *

* And I feel... *

* And I feel
like I just got home... *

* And I feel... *

Good evening.

Our top story tonight:

Barack Obama makes a visit
to James Woods High School.

Yes, it's time to get
jiggy with it, Quahog...

I thought
we had taken that out.

President Barack Obama
will visit James Woods High

next month, and this little town
of ours couldn't be more abuzz.

Oh, my God,
this is gonna be so amazing!

It's all anybody in my class
is talking about.

Darn it, why is this so hard?!

What's wrong, Chris?

Just 'cause Obama's coming,
everybody in my English class

has to write a stupid
essay about hope.

But this is all I
can come up with.

Chris, this is just a shaded-in
triangle and the word "muff."

For God's sakes, Meg,
it's a first draft.

Just tell me if you
think the tone is right.

Well, I don't know
what this is,

but it's not what hope
is about, Chris.

Well, if you're such a genius,
you tell me what hope is.

Hope is what gets you
out of bed in the morning

when it's the day of prom
and you haven't been asked.

Hope pushes the caterpillar
through the cocoon

and drives the salmon upstream.

Your breasts may be small
and your glasses may be thick,

but hope doesn't
hold up a mirror.

Hope is a horizon we head for,

leaving nothing behind us
but fear.

And though we may
never reach our goals,

it's hope that will save us
from who we once were.

Wow.

Did you learn that at school?

No. You can't just learn
creative writing, Chris.

It's got to be inside you,
like musical talent

or athleticism or the ability
to choose to be gay.

I don't think they choose that.

Oh, please, they choose that.

Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey!

What's up, party people?
Ah, what the hell

are these things,
curtains or something? Boring!

- Holy smoke, it's crowded in here.
- Hey!

There, ah, that's terrific.
It opens up the whole room.

Peter, there you are.

Where the hell have you been?

I've been worried sick.

Oh, so I had a few Red Bulls,
drove to New York.

What's the big deal?
Ah, there's my little man!

Done!

Wow, Dad, that was pretty cool.

Can I try some Red Bull?

Oh, my God,
can you try some Red Bull?

Chris, I'd take it
as an insult if you didn't.

Here you go, have some cans,
one, two, three, four, five.

Go on, take 'em, take 'em,
take 'em, take 'em, take 'em.

That's what Woody Woodpecker says.

All right, I'm gonna go outside
and milk the cow.

Peter, where'd you get that cow?

Oh, that's a silly question, Lois.

I bought it so we can have
fresh milk every day.

Whoa, boy, that Red Bull's
some strong stuff.

Hey, everybody, welcome back
to The Price ls Right.

Time to spin the wheel.

Top winner
for the day is Peter,

so you're gonna be
the first to spin it.

Go ahead, Peter, close as you can

to a dollar without going over.

All right, while we're waiting
for the wheel to spin,

you want to say hi to anybody?

Oh, yeah, Drew,
I want to say hi to

Lois, Brian, Chris, Stewie,
Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire,

Cleveland, Mort, Seamus,
Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce,

Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker,
Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert,

Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken
and Greased-up Deaf Guy!

Okay.

I'm sure they're
happy to hear that.

Whoa, paramedics, come on down!

Mom, oh, my God, guess what!

Oh, God! You scared
the (bleep) out of me.

You know that essay about hope
I had to write?

Well, the principal said it was
the best one in the class,

and he wants me to read it aloud
to introduce the President!

Ah, Chris, that's incredible!

Remember when I used to
come to school to wipe you,

and I'd say, "Someday I won't
have to wipe you anymore

and you'll do great things"?

Well, this has been
a big year for us.

Wait a second. Give me that.

"Hope pushes the caterpillar
through the cocoon

and drives the salmon upstream."

I wrote that!

You stole this from me.

Hey, you didn't say I couldn't use it.

But now you get to meet the
President of the United States

because of what I wrote.

Ugh! I bet you don't even
know what his first name is.

I don't know... Mike?

Hey, what are you doing?

Lois, where is my Red Bull?

Peter, I got rid of it.

Why the hell
would you do that?!

It was making you crazy,
and it's not good for you.

That's why I poured it
all out in the garden.

Official flower business.

What are you doing, Peter?

I'm making my own Red Bull.

Lois can't stop me
from experiencing

the manic highs and
lows my body demands.

Whoa, whoa, hang on,
you're adding kerosene?

Peter, that's insane.

That'll destroy your body.

Kerosene is fuel, Brian.

Red Bull is fuel.

Kerosene is Red Bull.

Now, why don't you
leave me alone

while I'm doing
my important work?

Peter, that drink will kill you.

Brian, whatever kills
me makes me stronger.

See, Brian?
I feel great.

Peter?

Peter, are you alive?

Ah, you're alive.

Okay, I won't, uh...

I won't, uh, eat you then.

I was gonna eat you.

Dr. Hartman,

please tell me,
is my husband gonna be all right?

Uh, Cancun, actually,
thanks for asking.

Just got back.

Mrs. Griffin,
I'm afraid all the toxic chemicals

your husband ingested from
his homemade energy drink

have caused total kidney failure.

How was Cancun?

Oh, my God.

Kidney failure?

Is he gonna be okay?

Well, yes and no.

We'll put him on
a kidney transplant list,

but that could take months.

Until a donor is found,
he's gonna have to undergo

dialysis treatments
three times a week.

Dialysis?

Is there any other way?

Yes, there is.

No, no, no, no, no!

We'll do the dialysis.

Hey, Doc,
I'm here for my dialysis.

Ah, have a seat, Peter.
Let's get you hooked up.

Doc, I don't know how much
more of this I can take.

It's been three weeks.

I know, I saw the caption.

Yeah, but I just go crazy
just sitting here for so long.

Aw, I know it's tough,

but maybe there's something
I can do to make it easier.

Here, play with this
bucket of afterbirth.

Ha!

The Lockhorns.

Always locking horns.

Oh, my God,
that's why they call it that.

Oh, Peter,
you got here just in time!

Chris is almost on.

Shh. Mom, here it is.

As Quahog prepares
for the arrival of

President Barack Obama,
it will be a very big day

for one local teenager
who will be reading his essay

to introduce the President.

I sat down with accomplished
wordsmith Chris Griffin.

"Hope is a horizon we head for,

leaving nothing
behind us but fear."

Chris, tell me
how those words came to you.

Do you believe in angels, Tom?

Of course I do.

Well, there you go.

I suspected angels.

- It was angels.
- Very good.

Chris Griffin,
a weaver of dreams

at the loom of the mind.

A weaver of dreams at
the loom of the mind.

A neat thing I just said.

And now sports.

Oh, Chris,
we are so proud of you.

I got to admit, Chris,
this is pretty exciting.

When did you become so coherent?

Mom, I wrote that!

He stole it,
and he's taking all the credit!

Chris, is that true?

You didn't write anything!

This is my essay!

Meg, is that true?

No, he's lying!

That should be me getting
to meet the President!

Meg, for God's sake, relax.

You're not the first person
to be outshined by a sibling.

What about the third
Bronte sister?

Oh, Emily,
Wuthering Heights was truly splendid.

Oh, no, Charlotte,
Jane Eyre was so very brilliant.

I made blood out me lady parts!

Good for you.

So we've all done something.

It's happening now.

Ah, it's a period joke.

It's a period period joke.

Ha, ha.

Okay, moving on.

Coming up next, Charles in Charge.

Oh, my God!

Aw, I want to watch this,
but I got stupid dialysis at 3:00.

I am so sick of this crap
mucking up my life.

Well, Peter, I mean, what,
you can get away with

skipping one treatment, right?

I mean, that's not gonna kill you.

Yeah, it's probably just
like missing an antibiotic.

You just take the next one.

Yeah, you're probably right.

Besides,
it's Charles in Charge.

You know what I like?

The "Charles" part is formal,

but the "In Charge"
part is kind of casual.

Oh, wow. Remember this?

Remember when nobody had
any muscle tone?

Geez, how many "A's"
does that guy need?

Uh, two, apparently.

You know, it's kinda weird
that '80s white clothes

could pass for '90s black clothes.

Yeah, is that like a rummage sale thing?

Ah, Nicole Eggert.

Didn't she bang somebody gross?

I don't know.

Yeah, I feel like she
banged somebody gross.

You know, I heard the sweater budget

on this show was 200 grand.

Didn't you tell me that, Peter?

Oh, my God!

Peter, you don't look so good.

What are you talkin' about?
I feel great.

Like I could go
another twenty years or more.

Dr. Hartman,
this was just too close a call.

Next time, we could be too late.

Suppose he's stuck somewhere,
or he's trapped in an elevator

or God knows what else?!

He could die!
He needs a new kidney now!

Well, as I said,
Mrs. Griffin, he's on a list,

but there are a lot
of people ahead of him.

Well, what are the chances of
getting him moved up the list?

Honestly, not great.
It could be months

before he can get a transplant.

Unless you know someone
who's a compatible organ match

and would be willing
to donate one of theirs.

I'll do it.
He could have one of my kidneys.

Well, we always check spouse
records for compatibility.

I'm afraid you're not a match.

But it turns out you are a match
for a little girl

who's dying in that next room
over there.

Oh, well, how 'bout we
concentrate on this family, Doctor?

Well, the only other
option is your children.

No, I won't put the kids
through that.

Well, then I don't know
what else to do.

You'll just have to roll the dice

and hope a kidney
comes through soon.

Well...
What about me?

Is that possible, Doctor?

Well... I suppose.

Stranger things have
happened in medicine.

I once tried to clone a chicken.

The result wound up
being a man-sized chicken

that was incredibly hostile and
ended up escaping from the lab.

Okay, Doc, we gotta have
a talk at some point,

but Brian, are... Are you...
Are you sure about this?

Well, there's no harm in
seeing if I'm compatible.

Well, according to these results,
Brian is a match.

Hooray, yay, yeah,
ice cream sounds great.

The only thing is...

Mrs. Griffin, could I speak with
you and Brian alone, please?

Well, of course.

- Kids, why don't you wait in the car?
- Okay, Mom.

Let's go find the big, black sassy nurse.

There's always one.

You can cry about it,
or you can decide to live.

It's your choice.

Found her.

Hey, what is it, Doc?

Well, as a dog,
Brian's kidneys are smaller

and don't have the capacity
of a human kidney.

For the procedure to work,

we would need to transplant two.

But... But I only have two.

That's right.

The procedure would kill you.

Ha ha, that car's gettin' towed!

My God, Dr. Hartman,
isn't there any other way?

I'm afraid not, Mrs. Griffin.

I'll do it.

What?

I'll... I'll do it.

I'll give you my kidneys.

But, Brian... You'll die!

Peter, you're my best friend.

You gave me a home
when I didn't have one.

And you've treated me like
a family member ever since.

I wouldn't be here
if it wasn't for you.

I'd probably be dead anyway,

lying under
some freeway overpass.

And I wanna...
I wanna return the favor.

After all, I'm... I'm a dog.

I have another eight years,
at best.

I'm willing to give that up
so you can have another forty.

Brian, I...

I don't know what to say.

You're savin' my life.

Well, you saved mine.

And, hey, we... We had a lotta
good years together, right?

Yeah. We, uh...

We sure did, buddy.

Hello, everyone.

Lois, did you put Stewie to bed?

Yeah, he's asleep.

Good. I'd rather he didn't know
about this till it's over.

He's just a baby.

Now, since the operation is tomorrow,
I thought it might be

a good idea to just kinda close
the book, you know?

So I just wanted to share
my final thoughts

with each one of you.

Meg, you're so beautiful
on the inside,

but it's very important that
you know your limitations.

What do you mean?

Well, I know they say
"Reach for the stars,"

but if we all did that,

there'd be nobody left
here on Earth, right?

I guess.

Ha ha, there you go.

Chris, I have watched
you grow from a little boy

into the young man
you are today.

I know sometimes
life seems tough,

but you just remember
to reach for the stars.

You really think I can?

I know you can, slugger!

And, Lois, I only ask this

because of the dire situation
I'm in, but...

can I, can I hump your leg
for fifteen uninterrupted seconds?

I suppose so, Brian.

I said you could do it
for fifteen seconds.

Didn't need it.

No! It can't be!

Where... Where am I?

We're at the playground, Brian.

I kidnapped you.

You and I are going
to spend the rest of our lives

living right here
under the slide.

Stewie, what the hell?
Are you outta your mind?

I most certainly am not!

I know what you're planning to do,
and I won't allow it!

You're not going to kill
yourself for that fat bastard!

Look, I've made up my mind,
all right? Now untie me.

No, I will not!

How dare you make plans
to abandon me!

Come on, you...
You can live without a dog, Stewie,

but you can't live without a father.

And besides, how exactly
do you think we're supposed

to live here on the playground?

We'll do fine, Brian!

Everything is right here
where we need it!

The jungle gym is the grocery store,

the swing set is the mall,

the seesaw is the post office,

and the sandbox is
our summer home.

Can you believe it, Brian?

We... We have a summer home!

I mean, yes, we'll...
We'll have to rent it out

some years to help pay for...

Oh, no, wait, no, we won't,

because I'm a famous race car driver.
I forgot!

Stewie, you're not a race car driver.

And if you don't let me go right now,

you're gonna lose your dad.

But Brian...

I don't wanna lose anybody!

I don't...
I don't wanna lose anybody!

Oh, my God.

Just stop, stop, just stop it.

But Brian, I love you!

Oh, God,
just wipe your nose, man!

Can I have a hug, Brian?!

Oh, no, no, God,
no, no, not now, no!

I want a hug!
I love...

No, no. Just wipe...
Oh, God, there's no Kleenex.

I love you, Brian!
I love you so much!

Go... Go roll around
in the sandbox...

In... In the summer house!

Go... Go to the summer house
and roll around!

Well, here we go.
You know, buddy,

I'm really gonna miss
havin' a dog.

Hey, whaddaya say you be
my dog one last time, huh?

Sure, Peter.
Whatever you want.

Hey, hey, whassat?

Whassat, boy?
Whassat?

Uh, surgical equipment.

Whose is that?
Whose is that?

Probably belongs to the hospital.

Whassat for? Huh?
Whassat for?

Um... Cutting me open,

harvesting my organs
and killing me.

You gonna go get it?
You gonna get it, boy?

No, I think...
I think the doctors need it.

Can we...
Can we just lay here?

Dr. Hartman, what're you...?

You're not dressed for surgery.

I sure am.

But I don't understand.

Well, you see, Mrs. Griffin,

I found another donor
for your husband.

You did?! Who?

- Me.
- What?!

It turns out I'm a perfect match.

And I'm willing to give up
one of my kidneys.

Oh, my God, Dr. Hartman,
you'd do that for us?!

Well, the truth is you folks are
my only remaining patients.

I couldn't afford
to lose two of you.

What do you mean, two of us?

Well, chances are Peter never
would have survived the surgery.

I mean...
I mean, dog kidneys?!

I'm not even sure dogs have kidneys.

Do dogs have kidneys?

Yes.

Ah, this...
This is the guy.

Oh, my God, Brian...

You're gonna live!

Oh, I love you!
I love you!

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

I'm happy to welcome you all
here to our auditorium

for something that's
not a terrible play.

In fact, tonight we're graced

with the presence
of our Commander in Chief.

But first, to introduce him
is a very talented young man,

James Woods' own Chris Griffin.

Thank you, Principal Shepherd.

My sister Meg will be helping me
introduce the President,

since we wrote this essay together.

"What is Hope?"
by Chris and Meg Griffin.

Hope is what gets you
out of bed in the morning

when it's the day of prom
and you haven't been asked.

Hope pushes the caterpillar

through the cocoon and drives
the salmon upstream.

Your breasts may be small
and your glasses may be thick,

but hope doesn't
hold up a mirror.

Hope is a horizon we head for,

leaving nothing behind us but fear.

And though we may never reach
our goals,

it's hope that will save us
from who we once were.

And now...

Ladies and gentlemen...

- President Mike Obama!
- President Barack Obama!

* You gotta be sincere... *

* You gotta be sincere... *

* You gotta feel it here, *

* 'cause if you feel it here, *

* well, then you're gonna be *

* honestly sincere. *

* If you're really sincere... *

* If you're really sincere... *

* If you feel it in here, *

* then it's gotta be right! *

* Oh, baby! *

* Oh, honey! *

* Hug me! *

* Suffer! *