Family Guy (1998–…): Season 9, Episode 17 - Foreign Affairs - full transcript

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there 's a family guy

Lucky there 's a man who
positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He 's a family guy

And now back to the
Disney Channel's exclusive presentation,

Aladdin 5: Jafar Answers the Census.



Okay, and how many people
live in your palace?

-Umm. Does the bird count?
-Does the bird live here?

- Yes.
-Then, yes, the bird counts.

-Okay. Two.
-Great.

-What is your primary source of income?
-Umm. Sorcery.

And a little from political corruption,

but primarily sorcery.

Yeah, I'll just put sorcery.

Okay. Umm, are you gay,
straight, or not sure?

Uh, why are you asking me this?

It's just... I don 't write the questions.

-I know. It just seems a little personal.
- Yeah, I understand.

You're free not to answer it
if that's your choice.

No, no, no, it's okay.
You can put "not sure. "



All right. I'm off to Paris.

You guys going to be okay
without me for a week?

Ugh, I don't know.

I mean, who's going to put
those three magazines in a neat stack

on the coffee table?

Lois, I realize you're excited
about going away with Bonnie and all,

but could I not have to hear about the trip
when you get back?

I know you're going to have pictures
and stories,

and I just don't want to be
involved in any of that mess.

-You ready to go, Lois?
-I sure am.

Oh, my God, Bonnie.
We're going to have such a good time.

I know, and it's going to be
so much fun going with you.

Joe hates to fly

'cause they always put him
underneath with the dogs.

Indonesia better be worth it.

Okay. Bye, everyone.

Kids, you mind your father
while I'm gone. Love you.

-Bye, Mom.
-Bye!.

Oh, Peter, I almost forgot.

Here's some money for groceries
and a list of the kids' schedules.

The fat man in charge for a week?
He's going to be in over his head.

Like when he was a boxing coach.

Punch him! Punch him again! Punch him!

Punch him now! Again!
Now you're getting punched!

Punch back! Don't let him hit you!
Get out of the way! Punch him!

You know what I'm going to tell you.

-I got to punch him...
-You got to punch him more.

-Hey, you ever check Joe's Facebook?
-Ugh, I know. Awful.

"Hitting Cheesecake Factory again.
So amped."

And then the symbol that means "wink."
Really? I mean, like, why the wink?

I mean, is there something
that we're supposed to be in on?

Is he not going there? Is he not amped?

And who cares if he is, you know? Dick.

Coming up, our horribly outdated
scams reporter, Ken Redowski,

gets angry about a product
you don 't care about.

-Digital bathroom scales!
- Thanks, Ken.

This just in, there has been
a confirmed outbreak of goat flu

at James Woods High School.

Goat flu? You got to be kidding me.

Every year, the stupid media
tries to scare us with this kind of thing,

and every year, it turns out to be nothing.

-Yeah, it's nothing.
-I know. Every year, it's nothing.

Well, now, hang on.
There might be something to this.

Health officials have said
that a vaccine is not yet available.

And ifyou're not scared yet,

here 's some footage ofpeople
sneezing at a salad bar.

Oh, dear.

Here 's some footage ofpeople
licking subway turnstiles.

Oh!

Here's some footage ofa man with the flu
making out with you while you're asleep.

Oh, my God!

While James Woods High remains open,

students are reminded
to wash their hands frequently

and watch for early signs ofinfection.

Oh, my God. I got to get the kids
out of there.

What? What are you talking about?

I'm talking about homeschooling, Brian.
Just until the crisis is over.

Peter, that's a complete overreaction.

I don't think Lois would be happy
if you pulled the kids out of school.

Well, she left me in charge, didn't she?
And besides, you know me.

When I set my mind to something,
I am not easily deterred.

Like when I tried out
to be an Olympic gymnast.

Ahh!

-You did it, Peter.
-Why'd you shoot me?

Because I'm weird, creepy coach.

Now, let me give you
inappropriate personal shower

while I smoke and forbid you to see parent.

This is... Somebody should
look into this sport.

Uh, I'd like to apologize for yesterday,
when I assigned you lab partners.

It has come to my attention
that this is an English class.

Griffin?

Chris, Meg, I spoke to
your father on the phone,

and he said you needed to
be removed from school.

I didn't believe it was really him at first,
but then I received another call

from the very person who I thought
was pretending to be him.

It caused quite a stir in my office.

Come on, children.

-ls everything all right?
-Everything's fine. It's me.

I just dressed up like your father

to jazz your teachers
and get you out of here.

-What do you mean?
-I'm taking you out of here.

That place is riddled with goat flu,
so I'm gonna home school you kids.

Oh, okay.

-Dad, where'd you get this car?
-I borrowed it from Quagmire.

He's not home 'cause he got abducted
by aliens last night.

So, do you guys just not do
the anal probe anymore?

-ls that...
-No, that's more or less been retired.

I see, I see.

Do you still have the thing?

Oh, my God, what a beautiful room.

Paris is so incredible.
I can't believe we're really here.

I know.

Look at all the people on the street.

Not a lot of people of color here,
but the ones that are black are really black.

I've noticed that, too.

All right, I've got our whole day planned.
First, we'll go to the Louvre.

Then, we'll go shopping
along the Champs-?lys?es.

Uh, Lois, I should probably tell you,

I didn't come all the way here
to go to museums and shops.

Well, I don't understand.
Why'd you even want to come here, then?

Lois, I came here to have an affair.

An affair? With who?

-Anyone.
-My God.

Well, can we at least do some Muppet-style
sightseeing first?

All right, settle down.

-Good morning, class.
-Morning, Dad.

We're going to need
a few things for this class,

an eagerness to learn,
a thirst for knowledge,

but one thing we won't need is this.

That's right, I know
you're all used to teachers

wearing tuxedos and Dracula capes,
but not this one.

There will be no pretense in this classroom.

There will only be open minds
and new horizons.

Get ready for adventure.

I know some teachers think
class should be an exercise in structure,

but not Mr. Griffin.

This is what my class will be, this!
Learn with me!

-Let's teach each other!
-Yay, learning!

Chris, A.

Meg, F.

Ah, you know,
this is how you take a vacation.

Oh, Bonnie, would you look at that?

I've never seen anything like that before,
a croissant with almonds on it.

And could you bring me a beer?
Oh! I feel so elegant.

-What are you going to have?
-You know what I'd really like?

A piece of that.

Bonnie, for God's sake, stop it.

Lois, I already told you,
I'm in Paris to have an affair.

I'll even do a Muslim if I have to.

But I just can't believe you'd throw away
all those years with Joe

just to have some silly fling.

I'm not throwing anything away.

Joe and I have been growing
apart for a long time.

Besides, we've had a good run.

-We've been married for 80 years.
-You what?

Well, that's in
married-to-a-handicapped guy years.

Go, Dallas Cowboys, huh?

-Hello.
-Excuse me?

You are American, no?
I very much admire your Garry Shandling.

Look, I know where you're going with this,
and we're not interested, okay?

So you might as well just keep moving.

I'm interested.

Bonnie.

Would you like to sample
a warm French baguette?

Oh, my.

My intention is to defecate on you.

I'd almost forgotten
what it's like to be romanced.

-Come on, Bonnie, we are leaving.
-What?

Look, I'm doing you a favor.

My stool will sleep alone tonight.

Bonnie, this is insanity.

Promise me you'll put this whole
affair thing out of your head.

Lois, I'm just having fun.

You're playing with fire.

Look, no marriage is perfect,
but Joe's the man you gave your life to,

and besides, you have a little girl.

You really want to be setting
this kind of example?

I guess you're right, Lois.

It's just that sometimes I feel
like I don't even know Joe anymore.

It's like I've become
a different person, and so has he.

Good morning, USA!

I got a feeling that
it's gonna be a wonderful day

The sun in the sky has a smile on his face

And he's shining a salute
to the American race

Oh, boy, it's swell to say

Good morning, USA

CHORUS SlNGERS: Good morning, USA!

All right, class,
this course is going to cover

all the significant moments
in human history,

starting with the settling of the Old West,

where brave pioneers survived
against long odds.

Honey, I have to go into town
to get some supplies,

so I'm probably going to die,

but if I don't, I'll see you in 18 months
with a canvas bag of salt

and a tin of whale fat for the children.

I've dug graves out back for all of you

in the likely event that you,
too, shall perish.

You were a good man, Abraham.

Please scrawl that on a rough-hewn piece
of wood in my honor.

I shall.

The reign of Henry Vlll.

Did you enjoy what I just did for you, sire?

Yes, very much so.

Wow, when this is over,
I am definitely keeping her head.

Joseph Smith discovering
the Book of Mormon.

An old Con Ed bill...

I mean, a new testament of Jesus Christ!
Everyone has to sleep with me!

-What?
-And no dancing!

But recent years have also seen
many important historical events.

1985 brought us the gayest
music video of all time.

Okay, Tokyo

- South America! France!
- Australia!

- Germany! Africa!
- U.K.!

Calling out around the world

Are you ready for a brand-new beat?

Summer's here, and the time is right

For dancing in the street

Dancing in Chicago

Dancing in the street

Down in New Orleans

Dancing in the street

In New York City

Dancing in the street

All we need is music, sweet music

CHORUS SlNGERS: Sweet music

There'll be music everywhere

CHORUS SlNGERS: Everywhere

They'll be swinging, swaying,
records playing

Dancing in the street

Ohh!

It doesn 't matter what you wear

Just as long as you are there

So come on, every guy, grab a girl

Everywhere around the world

They'll be dancing

Dancing in the street

CHORUS SlNGERS: Dancing in the street

It's an invitation across the nation

A chance for folks to meet

They'll be laughing and singing

And music swinging

Dancing in the street

Philadelphia, PA

CHORUS SlNGERS: Dancing in the street

Baltimore and D.C. now

CHORUS SlNGERS: Dancing in the street

Don't forget the motor city

CHORUS SlNGERS: Dancing in the street

On the streets ofBrazil

CHORUS SlNGERS: Dancing in the street

Back in the USSR

CHORUS SlNGERS: Dancing in the street

Don't matter where you are

CHORUS SlNGERS: Dancing in the street

All we need is music, sweet music

CHORUS SlNGERS: Sweet music

There 'll be music everywhere

CHORUS SlNGERS: Everywhere

They'll be swinging, swaying,
records playing

Dancing in the street

Ohh!

It doesn 't matter what you wear

Just as long as you are there

So come on, every guy, grab a girl

Everywhere around the world

They'll be dancing

Dancing in the street

CHORUS SlNGERS: Dancing in the street

Way down in L.A.

Every day

Dancing in the street

CHORUS SlNGERS: Dancing in the street

Crossing China, too

Me and you

Dancing in the street

That happened, and we all let it happen.

All right, class, two things today.

I'm no good at math,

and I don't have a certificate
to teach driver's ed,

so I hired a math tutor
and a driver's ed guy.

Okay, so, do you use my car,

or do you have, like,
a special one you brought?

-Umm, I'm the math tutor.
-Really? No way!

-So that means you're the...
-Driver's ed instructor, yes.

Well, I'll be a son of a gun!

All right, time to learn math
from a black guy, I guess!

Oh! This is such an amazing city!

Like, I could see them
having a special episode

of The Biggest Loserhere.

Lois, didn't you see
I tied a tampon to the doorknob?

No. What does that mean?

It's what we used to do in our sorority
when we had company.

Company? What are you... Oh, my God.

Look, Lois, don't make a big deal about it.

I just needed a change from Joe.

Bonjour.

Lois, this is Fran?ois.

Oh! You're serious.

Okay, students, 40 of you
will begin this course,

but only ten of you will finish it.

Why is every day an introduction
to the course?

Now I know some teachers think
they're working outside the box

when they have class on the lawn.

Well, I'm gonna take it a step further.
We're gonna do peyote in the desert.

Oh, it's beautiful!

Everything is so beautiful!

Come dance with me, Dad!

Soon, Meg, soon.

But first I must inhale.

And again.

And again.

Let's go to the Hollywood Hills
and kill a bunch of people.

Oh, Bonnie,
if I were a skunk and you were a cat

who kept repeatedly wandering into areas
where there was wet paint,

I would look at that stripe on your back

and think you were another skunk,
and I would try to rape you.

And it would be legal
because we are in France.

Oh, Fran?ois, it's like I'm in a dream.

Bonnie, I have something
very important to ask you.

What is it?

I have so enjoyed your intimacy
these past few days.

Will you stay here with me?

Here? In Paris?

Oh, there you are, Bonnie.
I've been looking all over for you.

Lois, this is good timing.

There's something I need to tell you.

What is it?

Fran?ois has asked me to
stay here in Paris with him.

Oh, my God,
you're not gonna do it, are you?

Well, I don't know. I'm thinking about it.

I can't believe what I'm hearing right now.

You can't do this, Bonnie!

Oh, is that right?

Now you're telling me
what I can and can't do?

I invited you on this trip to hang out

while I have sex with strangers,
and this is how you repay me?

I'll see you back at the hotel.

I apologize for my friend, Fran?ois.

So, will you stay with me?

Well, it's tempting.
Paris is such a perfect city.

Ah, that is not entirely true.

We have a lot of mime-on-mime violence.

All right, class, today's final exam
will consist of two parts, oral and anal.

Dad, we got to go back
to school, real school.

-What do you mean?
-The goat flu outbreak at school is over,

and honestly,
I'm afraid we're not learning anything.

Meg, you couldn't be wronger.

You're learning everything. Watch.

-Chris, dates... Battle of Hastings!
-I don't know.

-Franco-Prussian War!
-I don't know.

-Sherman's March to the Sea!
-I don't know.

-Cuban Missile Crisis!
-No idea.

-Trail of Tears!
-Never heard of it.

-Death of Charlemagne!
-What is that?

-Treaty of Augsburg!
-I got nothing.

-Cort?s reaches South America!
-Pumping a dry well.

-Teapot Dome Scandal!
-Sounds fake.

-September 1 1th, 2001!
-Also sounds fake.

-The Bronze Age! King James Bible!
-Nope. No.

-San Juan Hill!
-No!

-Wounded Knee! Great Schism!
-Stop. Dad!

I'll take you back to school.

Oh, there you are. Hurry up now, Bonnie.
We're gonna miss our plane.

Lois, I've thought a lot about this,
and I'm not going with you.

What? What do you mean?

I'm staying here with Fran?ois.

I see. You know, I thought
you might say something like this,

and that's why I called someone
who might be able to change your mind.

Joe, what are you doing here?

I came as soon as Lois told me, Bonnie.
Please don't do it.

I'm sorry that
I've been neglecting you lately,

but I love you and I need you.

Please come home with me.

Oh, Joe, I'm sorry. This is so hard.

Think about what we have together, honey.
Think about our little girl.

-You need to come home with me.
-Bonnie, stay with me.

I promise, it will take
three years with this accent

before you figure out I'm just a normal jerk.

Bonnie, listen to me. I'm your husband.

He may be your husband,
but I would do anything for you.

Well, there's one thing he can't do.

Bonnie, I didn't think
it would have to come to this,

but I can see there's only one way left
to prove my love to you.

Joe! I don't believe it! You're walking!

I am! I am!

I would do anything for love,
but I won't do that.

Joe, I love you! I love you so much!

I love you, too, Bonnie!

Let's go home, Joe.

Bless you, my son.

Hi, I'm Father McNamara.

Do you want to enjoy all the body of Christ

without the boring paper-like flavor?

Well, now you can. With Jeez-lts.

Flesh ofhis flesh.

With the amazing flavor
ofreal Wisconsin cheddar.

Jeez-lts, they'll have you saying,
"Oh, my God! That's good. "

But don 't take my word for it.

Think ofme when you eat this.
I'm delicious.

That was Jesus who just said that.

You know what?
You can keep your Paris, France.

I'll take Quahog any day.

I mean, all that place is, is skinny guys

rubbing up against you
in buses and subways,

jabbing you in the thigh with their thing.

Yeah, countries is weird.

But at least you helped save
Joe and Bonnie's marriage.

I know. Those two lovebirds

haven't left their bedroom
since we got back.

Ahh, romance.

Speaking of which,
we ain't boofed in a whole week.

-Yeah, but what about the kids?
-Ah, they're back at school.

Turns out I wasn't quite
the professor I thought I was.

This is what my class is all about!
Learn with me, children!

Let's teach each other!

Chris, you know this.

Sherman's March to the Sea!

Yes! Finally someone gets it!

Ahh!

Fuck children! My cock-sucking elbow!

All the saints in Christendom!
My elbow's shattered!

Ahh! It's shattered to fuck!

Somebody get the nurse!
Get that big, fucking black nurse!

Ahh! I am so fucked!

English - US - SDH