Family Guy (1998–…): Season 8, Episode 3 - Spies Reminiscent of Us - full transcript

(SINGING) It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

- Morning, Peter.
-Morning, Lois.

- You using the bathroom?
-Yeah. Why?



I was just curious. Before you go,
I want to ask you a question.

Is there something on my elbow or...

First, me first, me first.

Peter, I'm going first!

- Oh, no, you don't!
-Move your ass, Peter!

- You move yours!
-I made reservations with the maitre d'.

Isn't that right, Cornelius?

- Lois Griffin, poop for one.
-I also need a poop.

- Do you have a reservation, sir?
-Yeah, I called a couple days ago.

Who did you speak to?

Dave... Al...

Jeff... Ilium... Tonio?

Dave-Al-Jeff-llium-Tonio
hasn't worked here for four years.

The hell with you.
I'll use the other bathroom.



MALE VOICE: Somebody's in here.

Oh. Excuse me.

Good morning?

Lois, since when does
an elephant live here?

LOIS: He's an exchange student.
Don't you remember?

Oh, that's right.

- Don't you feel foolish.
-Well, how long does it usually take you?

- I don't remember.
-Oh, my God! That is such a bunch of crap.

I hope my son is having a better time
with your family.

(SCREAMING)

Poachers!

(WHIMPERING)

- Joe, I need to use your bathroom.
-Sure, Peter.

What the hell? How do you even...

What? It... I don't...

Wait. How do I...

JOE: Yeah. That's gonna be
way too complicated for you.

- How come there are two toilets?
-The other one's for blood.

(WHIMPERING)

Cleveland's old house. Perfect!

Damn, no toilet paper.

- Hey, Joe, can I borrow this?
-JOE: Sure.

Peter, where have you been?

Let's just say I've been at Cleveland's
empty house taking a dump.

(GROANING) That's disgusting.

I will be taking all of my movements there
from now on. All of them!

(EXCLAIMING)

(LET'S GETLOUD PLAYING)

Let's get loud, let's get loud

Tum the music up, let's do it
Come on, people, let's get loud

Let's get loud

Turn the music up to hear that sound

Let's get loud

Peter, your breakfast is ready.

Hang on, I'll be right back, Lois.
I'm just going across the street.

Peter, you can't keep
using Cleveland's bathroom.

Oh, my God. Yes, I can.

Cleveland's bathroom
is the greatest discovery

since fat women discovered Diet Coke.

Now I can eat anything!

Hey, hey, hey. No, no, no.
What are you doing? That's my bathroom!

What are you talking about?
We just rented this place.

Holy crap! Dan Aykroyd and Chevy Chase!

What the hell are you guys
doing in Quahog?

We're just doing research for a movie.

Oh, my God, that's amazing.
You're both living here together?

- Wait a minute. Are you guys gay?
-No.

- No. Yeah. Yes. No.
-Yeah, maybe sometimes.

- Depends.
-No. Undecided.

Listen, I got to tell you guys,

I've watched all your movies,
like, 1,000 times.

- You saw Cops and Robbersons?
-And My stepmother is an Alien?

Almost all of them.

Boy, I sure would love it if you guys would
come to our house for dinner tonight.

My wife's cooking sucks,
but I just want to look at you.

- You like meatloaf?
-Yeah. Sure.

All right, see you at 8:00.

Man, I can't believe I'm gonna have dinner
with two of the Three Amigos!

This is gonna be way better
than when we had

that Victorian girl ghost over for dinner.

(MUSIC BOX TINKLING)

(CRYING) My governess drowned me
in a well.

You are a horrible dinner guest.

Can you believe it? We're eating
with two of the three Ghostbusters.

Actually, I wasn't in that.

Look at these guys!
They can't take a compliment!

You know, you guys are funny,
but I got a confession to make.

I'm a pretty funny guy myself.

Maybe I say a few things here,
maybe I get a few laughs,

maybe you guys put me
in one of your pictures.

Well, yeah, I suppose it's possible.

Yeah, we've got all kinds of roles available.

Speaking roles, background roles.
Background would be good for you.

Yeah. Speaking role or background role,
either one would be good.

You know, I'm really good at sight gags.

Oh! I didn't mean to do that.

Now it's everywhere!

That's comedy.

(STEWIE LAUGHING)

Peter, what the hell is wrong with you?
That's not funny.

Oh, well, interesting opinion, Lois.

Gee, I wonder if
there's anyone else at this table

who's maybe more qualified to say
what's funny than you are.

Well, we'd need to see
a little bit more, but...

(LAUGHING)

Is that the time?
I can't believe that's the time. it's late.

What? I don't understand.
You're not wearing a watch.

Well, you see, that's sort of a joke, Peter.

- Oh. Well, that's not that funny.
-it's kind of funny, you know.

No, it's not funny.
See, if you had said something like,

"it's half past a freckle."

(LAUGHING)

You know, I'm thinking,
of the three of you,

I'm... I'm thinking this guy.

Let me show you something that's funny.

Okay, here's an impression of John Wayne
on the first Thanksgiving.

"I'm John Wayne
at the first Thanksgiving, pilgrims.

"Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims!"

(LAUGHING)

Where's this guy been?

Well, Mr. Griffin, this has been a lot of fun.

- A lot of fun.
-But we got to get back over to our place

and kind of do... What do we have to do?

- Roll some joints and get high.
-Yeah, we got to do those things.

That's not funny. Drugs aren't funny.

- They ruin lives.
-Amen.

- No, Peter. You're not funny.
-I'm afraid Dan's right.

- You're not funny at all.
-I don't get it.

You're painfully unfunny.

Get the fuck out of my house!

Hey, Stewie, can I talk to you for a sec?

Look, Brian,
I've colored Sebastian the crab blue!

If that isn't a middle finger to society,
I don't know what is.

I don't like it anymore.
I wish I'd colored him red.

Do you think it's a little odd

that Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd
have moved into Quahog together?

I mean, why here? Why now?

I don't know.
Maybe we go over there and find out.

Maybe we do.

Hey. Hi, there. Can you guys tell Meg
I'm seeing someone?

- BRIAN: You see anything?
-Doesn't look like anybody's home.

(GUNS COCKING)

Won't you gentlemen have a Pepsi?

- What do we do?
-"Won't you gentlemen have a Pepsi?"

(BOTH SCREAMING)

- Oh, m? God! Oh, my God!
-Oh, m? God! Oh, my God!

Yell, yell, yell. Yell, yell, yell.

What the... What the hell is this place?

Welcome to DUMP,

Deep Underground
Military Protection Facility.

- Wouldn't that be DUMPF?
-The "F" is silent, like in "knife."

We're actually working for the federal
government, and we need your help.

Do you want to be spies like us?

Can we be spies like them?

We've actually resolved our differences.

Wait a minute. I don't understand.

What do you mean
you guys work for the government?

Well, Brian, it turns out Spies Like Us
was Ronald Reagan's favorite movie,

so he actually appointed us honorary spies

in a special ceremony back in the '80s.

Dan, Chevy, you are hereby named
honorary spies

for the United States of America.

- Thank you, Mr. President.
-Thanks, Dutch.

And to you, 1985,

I hereby name you
the awesomest year of the '80s.

Whatever, Presidork.
Let's kick this party into radical gear.

F/KEEP FEELING) FASCIA/A TIOIV) PLAYING)

That still doesn't explain
what you're doing here.

You see, Brian, during the Cold War,

the Soviet Union brainwashed
dozens of American civilians,

effectively making them sleeper agents

who could be activated at anytime
to do the work of the KGB.

Activated how?

The agents could be activated
by uttering a predetermined phrase.

At which point,
they would snap into a trance

and mindlessly carry out whatever orders
they were given by their KGB handlers.

Well, I mean,
what if they encountered somebody

-who said the phrase accidentally?
-Not possible.

The activation phrase was something
that no one would ever think to utter.

- What is it?
-The phrase is,

"Gosh, that Italian family at the next table
sure is quiet."

You see, the U.S. government believes
that one of these sleeper agents

is right herein Quahog.

Now, you two individuals live here.

Are there any local residents
whom you've seen acting strangely?

Well, there's a pedophile up the street

that nobody seems to be
doing anything about,

but it's mainly because he's so funny.

Well, look, we'd be happy to
help in any way we can.

Hey, is Ron Howard's
weird-looking brother

one of these lab technicians?

Of course he is. it's an '80s movie.

Hey, there's something on the screen.

And those two bums turned to me
and said, "You're not funny, Peter."

- In my own house!
-Well, what was the bit?

Okay. ready?

I'm John Wayne
at the first Thanksgiving, pilgrims.

Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims.

(LAUGHING)

- Oh, God.
-Oh, my.

Oh, my God, Peter!

I'll tell you, and I'm your friend
and I'll be honest with you, that's funny.

That is funny.

And you know what I appreciate
about your joke, Peter?

It's clean. it's clean funny!

I just wish there was some way
I could show them how wrong they are.

Show them that we know comedy
better than they do.

Hey, I got an idea.

What's the most consistently funny form
of comedy in existence?

-Improv?
-lmprov!

-Improv!
-lmprov!

-Improv!
-lmprov!

We'll start our own improv group
and put on a show.

All right!

Thank you for seeing us
on such short notice, Mayor West.

No problem, gentlemen.

- May I call you "gentlemen"?
-Yeah.

Now, you say this spy is located
somewhere in Quahog?

That's right. We need you to set up
some roadblocks to help us contain him.

Do you have any clues
regarding the identity of the spy?

It's a little tricky, sir.

See, the operative is completely unaware
that he's been programmed,

and the only way to activate him

and discover his identity
is by saying the phrase,

"Gosh, that Italian family at the next table
sure is quiet!"

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

it's him!

(BEEPING)

(MOANING)

I haven't been this... Since I...

I don't... I don't really know
what I'm supposed to be doing, but...

Oh, there's track star Wilma Rudolph.

Obviously, she had something to do
with the gag,

but I didn't hear the setup,
so I don't really know the context...

Hey, I wonder what Peter's up to!

Okay, so we got to come up with
a name for our improv group.

- Anybody got anything?
-BOTH: Um...

- How about the Jokeridge Boys?
-Not bad.

- Wait. How about Funny Side Up?
-No, no, no. Guys, guys, we got the name.

It's lmprov-de-Colon-
the-Truth-is-Ad Libbed.

- What about Deliveries in Rear?
-Oh, yes!

No, no! No, you can't just jam jokes in
for no reason!

It has to be organic to the situation!

What the hell you being
so frigging comedy Hitler about?

I was in three improv groups
in college, Peter.

I was in lmprovidence,
I was in the Wackadamia Nuts,

and I know I'm dating myself here,
but Three Smile Island.

My point being that I am the only
experienced member of this group.

I can already tell this is not gonna be fun.

How do we know where to start looking?

The tracking beacon I shot
into Mayor West's ankle

will allow us to locate him.

Wow. Those are the Russian people?

I mean, granted,
you do think of bears on unicycles

when you think of the Russian people,
but they're all bears on unicycles?

Bears on unicycles, every one.

So what do we do now?

We're undercover U.S. agents
in a hostile foreign territory.

We just got to make sure we don't
do anything that makes us stick out.

Hey, they're not bears on unicycles!

- You are under arrest.
-Time to lose this costume.

(LAUGHING) 'Cause we're in Russia!

Here are the American spies we captured,
Mr. Prime Minister.

(GASPING)

(SIGHING)

(GASPING)

(SIGHING)

(GASPING)

(SIGHING)

He was "Putin" us on, huh? Right?

What do you think of that? Chevy?

Right? That would have passed for funny
in one of your movies, right?

Okay, moving on.

Gentlemen, let me put your minds at ease.
I know why you are here,

and I mean to help you.

(LAUGHING)

Well, terrific.

The truth is the reactivation
of a Cold War sleeper spy

would be an embarrassment
to my government.

On the scale of our 1981 failed
Czechoslovakian occupation outpost,

which was penetrated by Bill Murray,

Harold Ramis,
and their ragtag band of misfit soldiers

who didn't even graduate!

They slept through
the graduation ceremony and somehow

managed to come out of the manhole
wearing clean, pressed suit, as you say.

So the long and the veiny of it is,
you're gonna help us out, right?

I will provide you with transportation,
passports, food, supplies,

everything from "A" to backwards

Wow! Thank you so much for your help,
Mr. Putin.

Would you like to see
Russian cutaway gag?

- Yeah, sure.
-Here is Russian cutaway gag.

(EXCLAIMING IN RUSSIAN)

(LAUGHING)

Where the hell is Quagmire?

I don't know.
He said improv rehearsal at 7:00, right?

Yeah, where is Quagmire?
I haven't seen him all day.

You know what?
I think he went down to the bank.

What was that? What did you hit me for?

I'm passing the story on to you.
Keep it going. Keep the story going.

- Huh?
-What's Quagmire doing at the bank?

It's improv, Peter. You don't think.

You don't think.
You just keep talking. You don't think.

Don't think. Don't think.
What comes to mind?

Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk!

I get it. Tap me, Quagmire, tap me!

Quagmire went to the bank to donate
sperm because it's a sperm bank.

Yes, there you go. He's moving it forward.

He's moving it forward. See, Peter?
Now tap Peter.

Hey. pilgrims.
Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims.

It's me, John Wayne.

Oh, no. All right, you know what?
You're not loosened up yet.

All right, let's do some warm-up exercises.

Okay, this is one we call
"Going Bananas." Okay.

(SINGING) I'm a banana
I'm a banana

Peel the banana
Peel the banana

Now go bananas!
Go, go bananas!

Go!

Come on, you guys. Do it with me.
Go bananas. Yeah!

(SHOUTING)

Whole body, Joe. Whole body.

Come on. Go bananas.

Am I doing it? Am I doing it?

Fuck's the matter with you guys?

All right, let's try something else.
Okay, this is a warm-up exercise

called "One-Word Story."

Now, I start a story with one word,

and then you each continue
with one word at a time.

- Okay, ready?
-Yeah, yeah. I'm into this now.

- Okay. The...
-Dog...

- And...
-My...

- Mom...
-And...

- This...
Handkerchief...

- And...
-Twenty...

- Birds...
-And...

- Peter.
-Geez.

- And...
-Peter, hang on a sec.

- You're not contributing.
-I'm doing it.

You're not adding information.

Well, one of you guys says "Thanksgiving,"

- I got a good idea where to go with it.
-Okay, Peter, let's try something different.

Okay, close your eyes.
What's the first thing you see?

- Uh...
-Don't think, just say it. First thing.

- Pelican.
-Okay, what's he doing?

He's complaining
about some undercooked food.

Who's he complaining to?

A snooty French waiter
who's really mean to his customers.

But then when he goes home,
his own life's sad

because his girlfriend's mean to him,
and his apartment isn't so very nice,

and he's always running out
of paper towels.

(GASPING)

I saw it... I seen it, Quagmire.
I was there in the apartment!

We're ready.

If these signatures are correct,

Mayor West is located
one-third of a kilometer that way.

Just over this rise.

Yeah, that's what you told us
a third of a kilometer ago, you douche.

Perhaps you'd like to do
something besides

criticizing me and quoting my movies?

You just watch your mouth, mister!

Look!

(GASPING)

Anyway, I'd be happy to help you
conduct a search of Quahog and find...

What the hell? Where am I?

I didn't just bite into
a YORK peppermint patty, did I?

Mayor West, you're in Russia.

You've just launched a nuclear missile
against the United States.

Well, this day has taken a bad turn,
like Mike Brady's first marriage.

Here's your beer, honey.

I don't remember asking for a warm beer.

Well, I didn't want to quit working.
You made me.

You don't talk to me that way!

- Alice, what did you see?
-Enough to know I'm getting a raise.

What the... Oh, man.
We're supposed to do a show tonight.

Where's the audience?
I don't see them anywhere.

If only they could make some noise
to let me know they're here.

- MAN 1: We're here.
-Oh, there you are. Thank God.

Well, we're Room for lmprov-ment.
So without further ado, I need a place.

- MAN 1: Your ass!
-Okay, come on now.

- Something serious.
-MAN 1: Your mom's ass!

Hey, let's get that guy out of here, huh?
Okay, a real place.

MAN 2: Goldman's Pharmacy
on Third and Maple.

WOMAN: Give them the hours.

- MAN 2: 8:00 a.m. to...
-Okay, I heard "pharmacy."

- Who's in the pharmacy?
-PETER: John Wayne!

What the... Peter, you're not supposed
to be in the audience.

Get the hell up onstage.

All right. Hey there, sir.
Welcome to my pharmacy. Can I help you?

Here's John Wayne
at the first Thanksgiving.

"Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims!"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You like that? Okay, here's John Wayne
Bobbitt at the first Thanksgiving.

"Where's my penis, pilgrims?"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And here's John Wayne Gacy
at the first Thanksgiving.

"I want to dress up like a clown

"and have sex with children
and kill them, pilgrims."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

- Guys, I got to split. I took a wet duke.
-And...

Okay, this is not something that should
ever have been attempted.

Thank you very much.
Good night, everybody.

Improv!

I wish there was some way
I could have prevented this.

It wasn't your fault, Mayor West.
There's nothing you could have done.

To be honest, I don't remember a thing,

except how much I love
the Michael Jackson Thriller video.

Boy, could that guy dance.

Guy dance? Guidance!
Source programmable guidance!

We can reprogram
and disarm the missile from here.

From here? Well, our arms
would have to be 40-feet long, Dan.

No, yutz, not from right here.
We go over there and do it.

- Oh, right.
-Oh, come on, Chevy.

You should have known
what he was talking about.

All I have to do is bypass
the primary navigational-guidance circuits,

deprogram the hardwired safety overrides,
and reconfigure the motherboard

so that the missile's primary
central-processing unit tells itself

to eject its own warhead while still
safely above the Earth's atmosphere.

Hey, Dan, when this is all over,

you may get a call asking you
to evaluate my performance.

Can I count on you to give me a 10?

And that should do it.

You did it, Dan. My God, you did it!

Yes. Oh, my God. You did it. You did it.

Mission accomplished, gentlemen.
Warhead has been destroyed.

We've saved millions of lives.

Let's just hope the fuselage doesn't fall
where it can cause too much damage.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

I... I don't get it.

So, what's the deal with Chris?
Is he actually, like, still in Africa?

No, no, he's not.

- So that was all... That was just a bit?
-Yeah, he'll be back next week.

Great. Boy, who would have thought
all this trouble could be caused

by simply uttering the phrase,

"Gosh, that Italian family at the next table
sure is quiet."

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

MAN: {WITH RUSSIAN ACCENT)
Shut up, 2476.

English - US - SDH