Family Guy (1998–…): Season 8, Episode 2 - Family Goy - full transcript

[Superfriends theme]
Narrator: Gathered together from the cosmic reaches of the universe.
Here in this great hall of justice are the most powerful forces of good ever assembled.
Superman!
Batman and Robin!
Man: and Meg.
Narrator: Dedicated to truth, justice and peace for all man kind!
Quagmire: It's the new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue. Check it out.
Joe: Those swimsuit issues don't excite me like they used to. I've been spoiled by internet porn.
Peter: It's true. Brian: Totally.
Quagmire: What do you mean internet porn?
Joe: You, uh, don't know about internet porn?
Quagmire: Don't know what? I'm not really a computer guy.
Quagmire, I would think you of all people would know about internet porn.
They got like thousands, literally million of naked pictures on the internet.
What?
And videos! Thousands of them!
You guys are messing with me.
Quagmire, you don't use the Internet?
You mean that crappy dial-up thing? It's a pain in the ass!
No I don't use the damn internet! I thought that was for nerds! Why didn't you guys tell me!
Oh yeah, you can even see Tonya Harding's honeymoon video on there.
I mean... It's gross, but it's like famous gross.
You know, these women don't compare to the old swimsuit issues with Kathy Ireland.
Joe: Yeah, she had it going on!
You know, Horace still has one of those old beer promotional cutouts of her from like
1994, in the backroom. Don't you, Horace?
Horace: Hey, you mean this thing? I was about to throw it out. If anyone wants it, it's theirs.
[Peter sings Suddenly by Billy Ocean]
Peter: [softly] I'm taking you home with me.
Chris: Hey dad, Where you going with that cutout?
Peter: Hey kids, this is Kathy.
We are designing lifestyle products together.
It's completely legitimate, but don't tell your mother.
I had a great time today at the museum.
You were the most beautiful woman there.
You know... Lois won't be home from groceries for a while. I have an idea.
Meg: Knock knock, anyone in the bathroom?
Peter: I love the time we spend together, you know that.
Hey Kathy, guess what?
I'm out. Under the table, right now. I'm out.
Lois: Peter? Peter: Oh, no...
Lois: What the hell is going on? I sent you to pick up dinner an hour ago!
What are you doing with that cutout?
Peter: You know what, Lois, I'm glad you found out!
I can't carry on this charade anymore!
I have an announcement to make.
No no, I'll do it, I'll do it.
I know I been able to keep this a secret. But Kathy and I
are not actually working on a project together. We're... in love!
Lois: You're an idiot.
Peter: My lawyer will call your lawyer.
Lois: [Lois groans] This is stupidest thing he's done since he got
in that turf war with that cat.
Man: Hey shut up!
Peter: Now kids, you don't have to call her mom right away,
but I do want you guys to get along.
Just give her a chance, I think you'll like it.
Maybe she'll let us do things that Lois won't let us do.
Yeah! Hey mom, can I pull my pants down?
If she doesn't answer, does that mean yes?
- That's what I been going with.
Mine's better, mine's better, mine's better!
Oh, hello Lois... I would've thought you would've moved in with your mother by now.
No Peter, I'm just pretty much letting this run its course.
Well I'm sorry you're handling this so poorly, but have you seen Kathy?
We were gonna go get our passports renewed.
Uh Chris took her into his room about 10 minutes ago.
What? That whore!
She's betrayed me worst than Lady Macbeth betrayed Duncan!
I uhh... I don't know Shakespeare very well.
There you are! Oh, don't give me that look. You don't think I know where you been?
How dare you make a fool of me!
Did you have sex with that fat kid? Did you? Answer me!
Oh my god, look what you made me do!
Why did you have to provoke me? Whay did you hav...
Quagmire? Hey uh... Nobody seen you in days!
Hey, Peter
I just been uhh... checking out some of that internet porn.
You okay?
Yeah yeah I'm good I'm good I'm good... I'm just gonna...
Go... go and check my mail over there.
You been lifting weights?
Uhh no... no... I don't think uhh ... no
I'm... I'm sorry Peter, I gotta... I gotta get back.
I'm sorry, Lois, I was a fool!
I'm done with Kathy! Can you ever forgive me?
Peter, settle down. Yes I forgive you, just as long as you are done with that stupid cutout.
I just want you to know that everytime I was with her, I was thinking of you.
Peter, stop. Come on, I'm not in the mood.
Oh, Lois, I've missed you! You and your wonderful smile and your beautiful eyes
and your awesome third boob that's on top of the other boob.
What? Oh my god! Peter, that's not a boob, that's a lump!
A lump? Holy crap!
Peter, stop that! We're not having sex! I just told you I have a lump!
I got a lump too and mine is easier to get rid of.
Mrs. Griffin, I've got good news. Your test results came back negative
It appears the lump in your breast is not "black gross boob death"
Breast cancer?
That's the layman's term yes.
- What a relief! - Yeah that was scary.
Now Mrs. Griffin, although you are in the clear for the moment, we need to have a look
at your family medical history to determine your future risk.
Huh, that's curious. I didn't realize your mother was a Holocaust survivor.
My mother? Oh no that's... That's impossible, she's not Jewish.
According to her birth certificate, she is.
Oh my god!
Wow, breast cancer starting to look pretty good.
Mom, you're Jewish?
I'm sorry I never told you, dear.
When we were married, Your father made me conceal the fact
so he can get into country clubs.
- It was the right thing to do - It was the right thing to do, dear.
Oh my god!
So grandmother Hebrewberg is actually Jewish?
Yes, when she moved to America, her family changed their name.
It was originally Hebrewberg Moneygrabber.
That makes you Jewish, Lois, and your children too.
Well, this kinda rocks my world.,
even more than the time When I went to that pediatrician.
Woah, Stewie, you're getting to be a big boy.
I think somebody is gonna be a football star.
Oh, you ...
Oops, forgot your chart, be right back.
Woah, Jason, you're getting to be a big boy.
I think somebody is gonna be a football star.
I can't believe I fell for that line.
I actually let myself believe I could be a doctor's wife.
You're just fat, Stewie, silly and fat.
Thanks you for coming over, Max.
I really need some advice from an actual Jewish person.
Oh, it's my pleasure, Lois.
I'm sure this all must be very overwhelming.
I just don't know what to do with this information.
I spent my whole life as a Christian.
I'll tell you what you should do with it, absolutely nothing!
That's the problem with this world.
Too many people go overboard with what they believe.
Like Quagmire, when he thought he was the one getting the spin-off
See you later, bitches.
Have fun with your stupid *BEEP* giant chickens jokes and your Conway Twitty
Hey, why is there a moving truck outside Cleveland's house?
Well, I wouldnt put it quite like that but essentially Brian's right
Being Jewish doesn't really have to change you or your family's life
Wow, I guess you're right.
There's no reason things should be any different around here.
Shalom, Jews!
Wow dad, where did you get all that glistening chest hair?
Came with my Star of David.
Peter, What is all this?
Look, this is my way of letting you know that I'm embracing who you are.
Oh, and I don't respond to Peter.
From now on I want you to use my Hebrew name.
Well, I... I caution you uhh...
that becoming Jewish doesn't happen overnight.
It's a process that involves spiritual education and good works.
So what you're saying is that it happens overnight?
Look, Peter, I am the one with the Jewish heritage,
and I really don't want to make a big deal out of this.
Leave it to a Jew to take all the fun outta being a Jew.
Now listen up, I like the hat and I like the scarf, so we are doing this.
Kids, from now on, this is where we will celebrate the Sabbath
Peter, this is all unnecessary
Check it out! I'm one of you guys now huh.
I'm Jewish, yeah! Holocaust! We're number one!
Look at all these short, hairy men
God I feel like I'm on the forest moon of Endor
Good afternoon
As we approach the passover holiday,
let us remember the struggle of our people
as they labored under the yoke of Pharaoh's despotic rule.
Hey, if anyone appreciate a good yoke it's the yews
That's my Jewish laugh. I'm working on a Jewish laugh.
Peter, I am so embarrassed right now
Can we please just go?
- Hi, you're pretty - Oh, thank you
Mom, is sodomy illegal for Jewish?
I hope to so, Meg. I really do.
Dad, this isn't the way to school
Yes it is, Chris
One of the best parts about being Jewish
is getting to take advantage of their excellent schools
I'm not going to no Jewish school
Sitting around all day with a bunch of short, hairy guys,
I feel like I'm on the forest moon of Endor
Didn't you... didn't you make that joke the other day?
Oh... yeah... No I was... I wasn't sure that everybody had umm ...
had heard
And instead of lasting for one day,
the oil in the lamp lasted for eight days,
And this is why we celebrating Hanukkah.
Yeah yeah yeah, how long before we play
"Pin the eviction notice on the black guy's door. "
Now does anyone have any questions?
Yeah I have a question. What are you gonna do when Jesus comes back
and puts a boot up your ass?
And it's also why many families gives their children eight days of presents
Wait, did she say eight days of presents?
Yeah.
Well, this Judaism thing is gonna be better than I thought.
Alright class, that's all for today's lesson.,
Now everyone off to gym class.
Alright, today we gonna play soccer.
Huh, that was easy.
Hey Lois, the kids are all asleep
I suppose they are
You know what else? I picked out a sexy little Jewish outfit for you at the store
What is that?
Oh my God Lois, if you put on this long, thick dress right now I will lose it.
Peter, I'm not wearing that thing.
And if you put this shawl over your head ...
Ooh, you have clunky, unfashionable, peasant shoes?
Oh, I swear to God, Lois. I swear to God that I would lose it.
Peter, get off me!
Tell me I don't earn as much as your friend's husband!
Peter, stop it! I'm going to sleep
Fine, I'll just sit here and watch TV
We now return to Mark Wahlberg in "Annoyed and confused"
What? What's going on?
I don't get it. man, I gotta work out.
What's going on here? Where am I? What the... huh?
What the hell is going on here? Huh? What?
Peter
Dad?
What do you think you're doing, Peter?
You were raised Catholic
If you rescind your religion, you will spend eternity... in hell!
Oh God, I don't want that!
Then you better not fall for all the Jewish stuff.
Oh ... alright, if that's what you think is best.
Oh wait, dad, before you to go, can you say: "Peter, you must go to the Degobah System"?
Peter, you must go to the Degobah System
Thanks
Anybody want toast or bagel?
Peter, what the hell!
Lois, last night my father came to me
and reminded me that I am a good Catholic
If I don't rid the house of this Jewish curse, This family is gonna go to hell!
And I won't let that happen!
Peter, you were the only one who was even taking this thing seriously
Jews are gross, Lois
It's the only religion with the word 'ew' in it.
Ah, come on. You're acting crazy, like when you were going through your Parker Lewis phase
Peter, you ready for dinner?
Ah, that's just like the Parker Lewis episode
when Parker Lewis ate dinner.
Peter, nobody cares about your canceled show.
Lois, Parker Lewis can't lose. Don't even try and make him lose,
because it's just gonna be that much more embarrassing for you
When you realize that he can't lose.
Would he win in a fight with Batman?
Well, Chris, think about what you're saying.
Parker Lewis can't lose.
Heretofor, Batman can suck on that.
Suck on that? Suck on this! TicTacs only have 1.5 calories!
Well played
I love you, dad
I love you too, son
What the ... what the hell!
How do you like it? Huh? How do you like it?
Peter, what in God's name is this?
Wait a minute, are these pieces of Stewie's crib?
I hate it here!
Well, thanks for spending time with me today, Mom
I just had to get out of that house, Peter is being such a jackass
Lois, I think this more serious than you realize.
Don't you see what he's doing?
Oh, he's just being immature.
It's happened before and it will pass.
Lois, what Peter is doing to you is
exactly what Carter did to me for years
He's repressing your Jewish identity!
But Mom, I don't really care about being Jewish, or even Christian for that matter!
I just want to be a good person on my own.
All I'm saying is I let your father take
my Jewish identity and I regreted it ever since.
I don't want to see you make the same mistake
I don't know, mom. I'll think about it
Carter, knock it off!
Come on, you know you Jew girls want that dollar!
Follow the dollar and it'll lead you to...
What... what does Jews like? Salmon! There's salmon over here!
Is there really salmon over there?
No, you walk over there and he squirts you with a squirt gun
What the hell!
Are you out of your *BEEP* mind?
Relax, Lois, I was aiming for the mailbox, I'm just trying to make point
Good morning, Lois
Peter, for God sake! I am sorry, Mort
No problem, Lois. that's just how people say hello to me.
- Hey, Joe - Hey, Mort
Peter, you and I are gonna have a conversation
- I am very angry with you - Gees, what's your problem?
What you did this morning was so far outta line, I just...
Let me tell you this, mom was right
I can't just sit here and let you dump all over my heritage
I'm not gonna make the mistake she did.
I'm Jewish and I am proud of it
And this weekend we're having a Passover Seder
- You can't do that, it's Easter! - Not in this house
Lois, this family believes in the Easter bunny
He died for our sins in that helicopter crash
Now, if you want to go hell, that's fine
But don't drag the rest of us down with you like a mentally handicapped rooster.
Good night everybody!
Ok everyone,
This is my first time doing a Seder
which is where we tell the story of the Jews escaped from bondage in Egypt
Doesn't it seem like every Jewish holiday
has to do with them escaping from stuff?
No, Chris
And you know, tricking some bigger, more atheletic people...
Uhh... Lois, not that I'm rushing you,
but when do we get to the wine drinking?
Hang on! Hang on! Before do anything I
like to say a blessing over the candles, if I may.
Can't we just eat?
And now I shall continue with the prayer
And now let's move on to the washing of hands
This is a very important part of the cerem...
The Easter Bunny is here!
Happy Easter!
Peter, what the hell are you doing in that...
Have you been drinking?
Not since I got out of the car
Who here thinks I can kick my ass?
Peter, you are not gonna ruin this Seder. Now get outta here.
I'm sorry kids
I just wanted to help Brian run for mayor
I guess I forgot what was really important
Alright, I'm gonna go lie down, then I'm gonna come back and mess up your Seder
Alright, I'm back and I'm much more sober
Lois, what you doing is wrong
I want you to get all this Jew food off the table.
I most certainly will not!
It's me or your religion, Lois
I am a Catholic and I want live in a Catholic house
Well, I'm a Jew and I want live in a nicer house.
Do you really think I should run formayor?
Peter, you have got to stop living in your own stupid worlds!
I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone who doesn't believe in Jesus.
Hey hey, heard my name!
Wow Jesus!
Oh, you're dead now Lois. Jesus is gonna kill ya.
And then we gonna bury you in the yard, next to Kathy Irel ...
Er, I mean uhh... nice weather we're having!
Look Peter, I thought it might interest you to know that I'm Jewish
What?
He's Jewish, Peter
Jewish, like full on, like you practice Judaism?
I am a Jew
Prove it! What's a nine percent tip on a $200 bill?
$18, which is fair...
Oh my god, it's true!
But I'm so confused
Peter, really doesn't matter
Catholicism and Judaism are not that different.
They are two sides of same coin
In fact, the Last Supper, one of the most iconic image of the
Catholic faith was a Passover Seder
And if I'm not mistaken, Islam is also in that same spiritual family
Uhh... Let's not muddy things up here
The most important thing is to treat other people
the same way you would want to be treated.
Ooooh ... an eye for an eye!
Well Lois, I guess I owe you an apology
I was scared because my dad convinced me I was going to hell.
And I was doing it to make up for my mother's mistake.
Look, I don't know if being Jewish is the right thing for our family
I just want the chance to explore it so I can know for sure.
But to tell you the truth, I thought we were fine before.
But, then Jesus, what religion should our family be?
Six to one, they are all complete crap.
Thank you!