Family Guy (1998–…): Season 8, Episode 13 - Go, Stewie, Go! - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ is violence in movies
and sex on TV. ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ on which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy. ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ all the things that make us ♪

♪ laugh and cry. ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

- Lois, you have a gray hair.
- What?

Inch-and-a-half left of your part.



Oh, my God, you're right!

You know, I don't mind so
much that you're aging,

it's just the way you're
shoving it down my throat.

Screw you, Peter.

Not today! Oh, wow!

Mom, Dad, is it okay if I
invite my new boyfriend

over for dinner tonight?

Your what?!

Yes, I share your
mother's skepticism.

No, really, I have a boyfriend.

His name is Anthony.

Well, Meg,
if you're telling us the truth,

I just hope to God

he's an improvement
over the last one.



Thanks, Mrs. Griffin,
that was delicious.

You're welcome, Justin.

It was a pleasure to meet you.

Come on. I'll take you home.

Okay, babe.

He ain't got no legs.

Jolly Farm?

I can't believe you
still watch this crap.

Man, how can you still
watch this, huh?

Huh?!

You know, I can tell you've
already been drinking,

and I...
I just don't want to engage.

Besides, you can learn a lot

from British nursery rhymes.

♪ Ring a ring o' roses,
a pocketful of posies, ♪

♪ ashes, ashes, we all fall down! ♪

See that was actually written
about the bubonic plague.

Oh, didn't know that.

Ooh, ooh,
this next one's my favorite.

It's about the Pan Am
flight from Lockerbie.

♪ It's raining luggage
and babies and limbs ♪

♪ and Daddy doesn't come home! ♪

Yay! It's fun to be a child.

Hey, did you read this?

They're gonna be making
an American version

of Jolly Farm right
here in Quahog.

Oh, my God,
I didn't see that! Gimme!

Good lord, you're right,
an American Jolly Farm!

Oh, there's no picture.

I like the stories
that have pictures.

Ooh, like this one.

"Seven Dead in Mumbai."
I like their hats.

Lois, get in here!

Meg's boyfriend.

But there's...
there's nothing wrong with him.

- Mom, where's my...?
- Shh!

Quagmire, get over here.
You gotta see this.

He seems to be completely normal.

Oh...!

I can honestly say
for the first time

that I am attracted
to our daughter.

This must be what other
fathers feel like.

This was worth the 500-mile drive.

Well, it was very nice
meeting you, Anthony.

You, too, Mrs. Griffin.

Thanks for having
me over for dinner.

Come on, Peter.

I think Anthony wants
some time alone with Meg.

Who doesn't want some time
alone with Meg these days?

Right, Meg?

Has anybody ever told
you you're pretty enough

to be a movie star, Mrs. Griffin?

Oh, my goodness.
Well, I don't know about that.

Penelope Ann Miller, Nancy Travis,

now those are movie stars.

Look, Anthony, trust me,

she ain't what she used to be,
all right?

Once you get those pants off,

it's like two sagging pressed
hams and a slice of pizza.

Oh, thank you, Peter,

that makes me feel terrific.

Anyway, good night, kids.

Good night, Mom.
Good night, Dad.

Ah-ah-ah, on the lips.

Yes!

Do you think your parents liked me?

Yeah. Can we make out now?

Oh, I forgot my...

Oh, my God, that's kind of hot.

Mmm, I bet you taste like
Mountain Dew and Starburst.

All right, wish me luck
on my audition, Brian.

If anyone deserves to be
on Jolly Farm, it's me.

Sorry, all the boys can go home.

We only have one part
left for a little girl.

What?!

No! No, that's impossible!

Oh, that's too bad, Stewie.

Well, I guess we can go home now.

But I don't want to go home!

I want to be on Jolly Farm!

Well, you heard her.

They're only
auditioning little girls.

Now come on. Let's get out of here.

I suppose you're right;
nothing I can do.

Okay, our next young actress
on the audition list is

Karina Smirnoff.

Hello, everyone!

Thank you all so much

for squeezing me
in for an audition.

So, should we just jump in?

Sure. When you're ready.

All right, let me just
get into character.

I'm a bit distracted.

I wasn't expecting
we'd do this today

- in light of the circumstances.
- What circumstances?

Oh, dear God,
didn't you hear? The bomb.

The bomb that went
off in Times Square.

All those poor people... dead!

Oh, my God, my cousin
works in Times Square.

Well, your cousin is fine
because I was acting!

That's impressive!

- Oh. Wow!
- Risky, very risky!

All right, fun's over.
What do you want me to read?

We want you to read
your new contract!

You mean it?!

Absolutely! You're hired!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh!

Well, I guess sometimes you're
just right for the part.

Like James Earl Jones
playing Darth Vader.

So, James, we just want
you to do the voice.

Thanks for taking time
for me today, Bonnie.

I just didn't know
who else to talk to.

Oh, that's okay, Lois.
What's on your mind?

Well, you're gonna think
I'm an awful person,

but I'm attracted to another man.

Giggity?

It's Meg's boyfriend, Anthony.

Giggity...

It's just that, lately,

Peter's been making me feel
so crappy about my age, and...

well, then I'm around Anthony,

he looks at me like I'm
young and attractive.

I'm gonna tell you a secret, Lois.

I had an affair once.

You had an affair?!

Mm-hmm. It wasn't anything sordid.

Just some guys I met
on the internet.

The point is, it's healthy
to explore your sexuality.

Oh, I don't know.

It just feels like
I'm lying to Peter...

like Jesus lied to the meek.

All right!

Jesus and the jocks win again!

Hey! You said we were gonna
inherit the earth.

Yeah, when we're done with it!

Hello there.

Hello.

Um, I'm new in town and
I'm awfully lonely.

I'm wondering if you wouldn't
mind buying me a drink?

Well, that'd be my pleasure.

And maybe later I can show you some

of the local points of interest.

There's one right below the table.

Oh, my, you're very bold.

Well, when your lifespan
is thirteen years, you gotta be direct.

Lucky for you, I like bold men.

Karina, Karina Smirnoff.

Brian, Brian Steel.

Ooh, good heavens!

Man, your accent is sexy.

Oh, this is all
moving very quickly.

I'm afraid I'm a
little light-headed.

You must think I'm a fool.

I'm... I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to come on too strong.

Oh, that's all right.

I've been missing a man's touch

lo these many months.

And I've been missing
a woman's touch.

Brian... Brian, it's me, Stewie!

Oh, my God, that was hilarious!

You really fell for it!

I... I was, like,
"Is he gonna fall for this?"

And then when you did, I was like,

"I guess I should see
how far I can take it

'cause you know, it'll be funnier."

I'm gonna kill you!

Why are you dressed like that?!

Uh, because I'm the star
of Jolly Farm.

Remember how they only
needed little girls?

Oh, my God.

I'm telling Lois.

You're not telling anybody, friend.

No, no, you're gonna
be my on-set guardian.

You're out of your mind.

Brian, we both know I touched it.

Now if you'd like to keep
that just between us,

I suggest you sit back down and
order me some chicken fingers.

See? We're having a nice time.

All right, first scene
up is on page twelve.

Everybody, this is our new
Jolly Farm resident,

Karina Smirnoff.

She'll be playing the role of Mary.

Hello. Hi, I'm Julie.

Oh, hello, I'm Stew...

uh, I'm Karina.

Can we get some quiet on the set?

I'm trying to rehearse!

Quiet on the set!

Don't mind Randall.

He's getting into character.

Is he playing a dick?

All right, everybody, here we go.

Scene ten. Places, please.

And... Action!

Oh, it's so great being
here on Jolly Farm.

Let's go to the barn
and meet the animals.

Yeah! Hey, Mary,

bet I'll beat you to the barn!

That sounds like

a really chauvinistic presumption.

I mean, because I'm a woman,
you think you'll beat me?

A man is automatically
better than a woman

at any physical challenge?

Well, here are a few women who
might beat you to the barn:

Joanie Benoit,
Jackie Joyner Kersey,

Babe Didrikson Zaharias,
Mary Decker, Zola Budd...

Cut!

Karina, your line is,
"That sounds fun."

Well, yes, Dan, but I felt

that just because we're on a farm,

it doesn't mean we have to
be stuck in the 19th century

with our value system.

Mary needs to stand up for herself.

Hmm... Interesting.
I suppose we don't really have

an outspoken female
character on the show.

All right, Karina,

we'll try it your way
and see what happens.

Good luck.

She'll be gone in three episodes.

♪ Go, Stewie, go! ♪

♪ Roll, Stewie, roll! ♪

♪ Sweet Stewie roll! ♪

Hi, Anthony.

Hi, Mrs. Griffin.

You know, we've enjoyed having you

around so much lately,
so we got a little

"welcome to the family"
present for you.

Your husband's work and
poker game schedule?

My menstrual cycle's on there, too,

but I don't mind if you don't.

Uh, thanks.

Oh, by the way, Meg,
I forgot to tell you,

your grandfather needs you to
pick him up at the airport.

Ugh, grandpa always makes me
so nervous when I'm driving.

Okay, now me.

That's a stop sign!

Anthony, you want to come with me?

Sure.

Oh, don't be ridiculous,

I'll keep him company
till you get back.

Good-bye, Meg.

Let's not play games.

The other day you
said I was attractive.

Now, what are we gonna do about it?

Oh, my God.

Wow, this is so cool.

I've never had a MILF
come on to me before.

Can I... can I kiss you?

Let me ask you this:

Do my gray hairs bother you?

What gray hairs?

Oh, kiss me!

Mom, I forgot my keys.

Do you know where...

Um... Rape?

Hey, another batch
of fan mail, Karina.

Oh, careful, Sam,

you're emptying your
sack all over me.

What?!

Stewie, how the hell long

do you think you can
keep up this charade?

I will keep up this "charahhd"

as it's pronounced, Brian,
as long as I see fit.

Ooh, ooh, shh, shh, shh.

Hi, Karina.

Oh, hi, Julie.

God, I love your makeup.

You know, I'm thinking
of asking them

to do my makeup like yours.

Oh, you don't need makeup.

I mean, I need all
the help I can get,

but you have such a youthful look,

you could pass for eleven months.

Ugh, then why do I
feel like fourty months?

You've got to stop
doing that to yourself.

You're fantastic.

Oh, I think you're the
nicest person I've ever met.

Hey, baby, you ready
to go take a nap?

Oh, okay, Randall.

I don't think that
guy's right for her.

Do you see the way he treats her?

Why do you care?

Because... I think
I'm in love with her.

Whenever I talk to her,

it makes my band-aid
start to peel off.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about my thing.

Gotta hide it for the cameras.

Instead of tucking,
I just push it in

like a button and put
a band-aid over it.

What kind of band-aid?

Big one.

Big giant one.

Nah, just one of those little
dots you put on a shot.

Okay, Brian, watch.

Here comes my big part.

Oh, here comes large bird and
moody green garbage creature.

Wow, you're a big bird.

And I'm grouchy,
so get out of my way!

You watch that tone,
moody green garbage creature,

or I'll get Bernie and Gert
over here to kick your butt.

Is there a problem here?

Yeah, you need us to use our fists?

Look at Julie, Brian.

She's absolutely beautiful.

Julie?!

Hi, we were just talking about you.

Oh, hi, do I know you?

Oh, right.

Yeah, no, you don't,
you know Karina.

I'm her brother, Stewie.

It's nice to meet you.

Is she home? Oh, yeah,
yeah, she's upstairs.

Come in.

Brian, you've met Julie, right?

Julie's my sister's co-star
on Jolly Farm.

Hi, Brian.

Why don't you keep her company,

while I go fetch Karina.

Just make sure you get her fast.

Karina?
Yes?

You have a visitor.
Who is it?

It's that nice girl,
Julie, from your show.

Oh, Julie, did she
say what she wanted?

Just go see for yourself,

I'm not your secretary, Karina.

Why are you so cruel to me?

Is it because I'm the pretty one?

The talented one?
Oh, for God's sakes.

You know, we're all sick of you!

That's right, all of us!

Sick of me?! Oh, that's rich.

You know, I wasn't
going to say this,

but Mother hates you.

That's not true,
you take that back!

It is true, she hates you!

She told me, it was the
Christmas we all went

to Edaville Railroad, and you cried

because you were afraid
because one of Santa's elves

was a real midget, and Father said,

"That's it, I can't
take this anymore,"

and he left that very night

and all you cared about was
ice cream on the way home

and Mother said you didn't
appreciate anything!

- Karina!
- Coming!

Hello, Julie.

So nice to see you.

Please.

Two lemonades, Brian.

Oh, yeah, I'll go
make you a lemonade.

I'll make you a fresh one.

So, what brings you here?

Well, I wanted to see
if you could come over

to my house tonight
and run lines with me.

Don't you usually do
that with Randall?

We kind of had a fight.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought maybe you and I could
have a sleepover tonight.

You know, a little girl time.

Oh, that would be so fun.

Yes, let's. Terrific.

I can't wait.

Hey, do you mind if I say
good-bye to your brother?

Fine.

Stewie!

What?

Julie would like to
say goodbye to you.

Well? Answer me.

I'm not talking to you!

You're being a baby.
Go say good-bye.

Why? She's your friend.

And why should I do you any favors

after the terrible things
you said to me earlier?

Well, at least I didn't bring
up that time at Brigham's

when you showed your fanny to
that girl in the wheelchair!

- Julie's gone!
- That's fine, Brian,

we're having a
conversation up here!

That girl in the wheelchair
called me a name!

Yes, well, that gives you
no right to be a blaggard!

Meg, honey,
I think we need to talk.

I don't want to talk to you.

Get out!

Look, I understand
that you're upset.

You made out with my boyfriend!

How could you do that?

I don't know, sweetheart,
but I am so, so sorry.

It was an awful thing that I did.

I never meant to
steal him from you.

Is that what you think?

You stole him from me?

Are you kidding?

You couldn't steal him from me.

Well, I do know a few things, Meg.

And clearly, if I wanted
him I could have him.

You really think
you stand a chance?

Look at you, you're old,
you're nothing.

You couldn't even imagine
the things I do for him.

And this isn't about making out;
this is about power tools.

Yeah, I go to places you
couldn't get back from.

I'll do anything.

You don't know me.

Oh, my God!

He hangs me from the shower rod

with your old bras,
and then we laugh at you.

Now get out of my room!

Well, when you're ready to talk.

Are you okay in there, Karina?

Be right out!

Just rinsing off my Noxzema.

I'm so glad you came over.

Oh, so am I, Jules;
it's been so fun.

So, I guess I sleep in the
guest room or whatnot?

No, you can sleep in here with me.

Oh, well, my goodness,
I hope there's room for both of us.

I'll just have to squeeze in here.

Well, good night, Karina.

You know, I really like
spending time with you, Julie.

Me, too.

Why couldn't we just
have girlfriends

- instead of boyfriends?
- I know.

It's all just one big,
confusing mess.

Can I snuggle with you?

Uh-huh.

Good night, Julie.

Well, I hope you're happy, Peter.

Our daughter hates me and
it's all because of you!

Me? What the hell did I do?

You've made me feel
so unattractive lately

that I went and did something

disgusting and abhorrent
and I'm ashamed of myself.

Peter, I made out
with Meg's boyfriend.

You made out
with Meg's boyfriend?

How the hell could
you do that to me?

Because, Peter, you've been
making me feel old and fat

and unattractive and worthless.

How do you expect me to respond?

Lois, I think you're the
most beautiful woman

I ever seen in my life.

Well, but then why
have you been saying

all these horrible things?

Because I'm old and fat and
unattractive and worthless.

I guess I thought that if
I could bring you down,

you wouldn't start to notice
that you're too good for me

and run off looking
for another fella.

Peter, that's ridiculous.

I love you.

Why?

Maybe I like fat guys.

You do?

Maybe I like having
sex with fat guys.

Yeah?

Maybe I want to have sex
with a fat guy right now.

Well, maybe I want to have
sex with an ugly, old broad.

- Peter!
- Gotcha!

Wow!

I'm going insane, Brian.

I don't know how much
longer I can keep this up.

I've got to tell Julie
my true feelings.

So, tell her.

Have you heard, Karina?

We're gonna be doing
the show live today.

I'm so nervous,

I've never been on live TV before.

Would you give me a hug for luck?

No... no... no... no... no...
I'm not done yet.

Karina, what are you...

Oh... oh... I'm not...

I'm not a lesbian.

No... no... I'm not either!

What are you exactly?

I'm sorry, Karina.

If only you were a boy.

But... I am a boy.

Okay, everybody,
we're live in five.

You'd better get out there.

Four, three, two...

Good morning and
welcome to Jolly Farm.

Today we're going to learn
about the letter "T."

I've got something to say,
Mother Maggie.

You do?

Well, maybe that can
wait till later, Mary.

No, I think this needs
to come out now.

You see, I didn't move to
Jolly Farm from the big city

to be around animals.

I moved here because my uncle
was molesting my sister,

and my parents wanted
her to start a new life.

But my sister Mary shot
herself in the face,

and that's when I decided that
she would live on through me.

For I am not who you think I am.

I am not little Mary Sunflower,

daughter of Bradley
and Theresa Sunflower.

No, I'm not.

I'm Desmond Sunflower!

Desmond Sunflower and I'm a boy!

A perfectly normal little boy.

Who also happens to
be a transvestite.

Which begins with the letter "T."

I'm ready.

Did you talk to Julie?

Her mother won't let me see her.

It doesn't matter anyway,
she's back with Randall.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hey, why were they
shooting that scene live?

- Convenience.
- Yeah, but why'd they...

Let's not start pulling
threads on this one.

- Can we go home?
- Sure.

You want to get some ice cream?

Well, why not?

I don't have to fit
in that dress anymore.

Hey, can I borrow the dress?

- What?
- Nah, I'm just kidding.

I'm just doing some playful,

walking-away banter
during the music.

Can we not do that?

I have such a headache.

Sorry.