Family Guy (1998–…): Season 8, Episode 14 - Peter-assment - full transcript

Peter is sexually harassed by Angela, but will he follow through with her advances and keep his job?

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ is violence in movies
and sex on TV. ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ on which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy. ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ all the things that make us ♪

♪ laugh and cry. ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Oh, I am so excited
for Stewie's first play.

Don't you think
it's a little soon



for a musical
about Terri Schiavo?

- Or too late?
- Shh, it's starting.

Hi, doctor, it's me...
Michael Schiavo.

- How's my wife doing?
- She's a vegetable.

I hate vegetables.

Don't worry about her,
Mr. Schiavo.

She's being kept alive
by medical science.

Gee, look at all this stuff.

How does it all work?

Well, I'll tell you.

♪ This one keeps
her liver clean. ♪

♪ This one checks her pee. ♪

♪ How about this one
over here? ♪

♪ Oh, that's just the TV. ♪
♪ Ha, ha, ha. ♪



♪ This one checks
her heart rate. ♪

♪ This one checks her veins. ♪

♪ And this dispenses gravy
for her mashed potato brains. ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh. ♪

♪ Terri Schiavo
is kind of alive... Oh. ♪

♪ What a lively little bugger. ♪

♪ Maybe we should just unplug her. ♪

♪ Terri Schiavo
is kind of alive... Oh. ♪

♪ The most expensive plant
you'll ever see... ♪

Oh, my God,
here comes Jared.

Wow, he's in kindergarten.

Hey, so you're the
plug this year?

Hey, Jared.

Yeah, I'm the plug.

Yeah, I was the plug
three years in a row.

Like I don't know that?

Everybody knows that, Jared.

Well, listen, don't you try
to be a Jared plug, all right?

You just go out there, you be
the best Stewie plug you can.

I sure will, Jared.

Hey, you got any
gummi bears on you?

No.

It'd be a lot
cooler if you did.

You know, they say
don't meet your heroes,

but they can eat my ass,
because that was awesome!

I don't know, don't you think

it's kind of weird
that he's in kindergarten

and he's still hanging
around kids our age?

Hey, we are very lucky.

Oh, here I go.

♪ There's only one solution. ♪

♪ It's in the constitution. ♪

♪ We've got to pull the plug... ♪

There he is.

Quick, Peter,
grab the video camera.

All right, all right.

What's wrong with Stewie?

I think he has stage fright.

I think he has stage fright, Peter.

That's what I just said, I said that.

Look at Stewie.

What a baby.

Aw, no way.

Hey, Chris, look,
is that Richard Dreyfuss?

Oh, for crying out loud.

Hey, Dreyfuss,
where you going?

Get back here.

Dreyfuss, what are you
doing here in Quahog?

My nephew's in the play.

God, can't you go
anywhere these days

without these damn paparazzi?

Where you going?

Oh, you going
to the bathroom?

You going to have a close
encounter of the turd kind?

Hey, I think you're going
to need a bigger boat.

These jokes are
for you, Peter,

when you watch this tape
in the future.

Hi, future Peter.

I'm going to plant a tree
for you when I get home.

Look outside and you'll see
a grown tree.

I'm going to plant a tree
for you when I get home.

Look outside
and you'll see a grown tree.

Eeeeeee!

Now look at your hand.

It's just a nub, 'cause I'm
gonna cut off all the fingers.

Oh, yeah, past Peter?

Well, two can play that game.

Take that.

Uh, wait a minute.

How was your bowel movement,
Peter?

Eh, I got some, but I didn't
get the troublemaker.

Wait, what time is it?
I got to turn on TMZ.

Today on TMZ:

Rene Russo got a little hot
under the collar

when we caught up with her
outside her home in the hills.

Rene, what was it like working
with Douglas Fairbanks?

Is it true you
were born in 1880?

This is my rassinfrackin' land,
and I don't care what no man

from no Tennessee Valley
Authority says, consarnit!

Why are we watching TMZ?

I hate this show.

Keep watching.

So what do you got?

I got Richard Dreyfuss
coming out of the bathroom

at his nephew's play
in Rhode Island.

Peter:
Richard, hey, Richard.

Hey, can I get
your autograph?

Fine.

Do you have a pen and paper?

What do I look like,
a Staples?

I don't carry
that stuff around.

Look, I'm sorry,
I can't help you.

Oh, what, you too big
and famous to walk over

to that corner drugstore
and pick up a pen and paper

and possibly
some other groceries I need

and come back and sign
several things for me?

You're a jerk.

That was my tape,
everybody.

I sent that in and
they put it on TV,

which makes me a
famous journalist.

Journalist?
You're badgering a celebrity

and passing it off as news.

Yeah, journalist.

And I got a hundred bucks for it,

which I used to buy
this $4,000 video camera.

Meet Peter Griffin,
video paparazzi.

From now on I'm gonna be
right where the action is,

like my uncle,
"The Guy in the White Hat" Griffin.

Stewie... Stewie,
how's that oatmeal?

Is it true you're having
an affair with that oatmeal?

What do you say
about the rumors

that you have a full diaper?

I'm just trying to eat here.

What did you do
to your mother's vagina?

Leave me alone!

How come your feet
are so small?

Is it true you can't say
"spaghetti"?

What about the rumors
that you have cooties?

Is it true you doubled your
weight in the last six months?

Daddy, help me, Daddy!

I can't get involved
'cause of journalism.

Tom, Tom Tucker, Tom!

The news isn't funny.

It's not supposed
to be funny.

Tom, who were you having
dinner with in there?

Was it a guy?
Are you gay?

Someone said
you were gay.

It was me.

Are the rumors
I'm making up true?

Ignore me if you're gay.

Mayor West, over here.

What hot spot are you going
to this Friday night?

Oh, I've got
some pretty nifty plans,

my camera-wielding friend.

- Yeah?
- That's right.

Every Friday night,
I'm a clearance sale area rug.

Boy, I hope somebody buys me.

I'd look swell in their den.

Aw.

Ollie Williams, why do you
look so much like Will Smith?

Hey, Will Smith,

what was it like to punch
that alien in the face?

Eddie Murphy,
what was that whole thing

with you and that
transvestite hooker?

Bernie Mac,
how come you died?

Oprah, why are you so fat,
Don Cheadle?

You almost done
in there, Peter?

Hang on, Lois... stupid
Ollie Williams broke my glasses.

I got to put in my contacts.

By the way,
the repair shop called.

They said
they can't fix your camera.

Well, that's just great,
Lois, that's great.

And here I was going
to use the money

to take you to
"can-cun" this winter.

Cancún, Peter.

Whoa, whoa, I don't like
Ollie any more than you do,

but we are a
21st-century family,

and I will not have
that kind of talk here.

Whatever.

Griffin, did you call
the distributor

about the...?

What, what's the problem?

Okay, look,
I know I was watching TV,

but I'll... I'll stay late.

No, that's not it, Griffin.

There's... there's something
different about you.

You're not wearing glasses.

Yeah, they got busted;
I'm wearing contacts.

I can see your eyes and,
and your eyelashes...

they're beautiful.

Who cares? What gives?

Griffin, I never
noticed you before.

I like what I see.

Uh, okay.

Oh, no, I dropped
my pencil.

Oh, I'll get it for you.

Yeah, this is gonna

work out just fine.

Excuse me.

Family,
we need to talk.

Your father was sexually
harassed at work today.

What?

That's right.

Angela grabbed my ass.

So what?

Peter, a woman can't
sexually harass a man.

Why not?

I don't know, it just
doesn't make any sense.

I mean, guys like
being touched by women.

It's not harassment
if you like it.

But I didn't like it.

I got sexually
harassed at school.

My chemistry teacher,
Mr. Taylor, rubbed my shoulders

for thirty-five minutes in class the
one day I didn't wear a bra.

See, Peter,
that's harassment.

An older man,
a weak, younger woman.

He could have
taken advantage of her,

forced her to do
things to him.

He did... awful things.

See?

But you, it just can't happen.

Griffin, get in here,

and make sure you have on
your new uniform.

Why am I the only one who
has to wear denim shorts?

Because you're the only one
who looks this good in them.

Damn, Griffin,
you fill those out nicely.

Why is there a
dusty gas station

and a Diet Pepsi
machine in your office?

'Cause your car broke down,
and you need

to wipe a cold soda
on your neck to cool off.

Well, may... maybe I don't
need to cool off.

Maybe you don't need
to be employed.

It's hot in here, isn't it?

Yes.

You need to cool off,
don't you?

I need to cool off.

You need to wipe your
neck with the soda can.

I need to wipe my neck
with the soda can.

Do it!

Now, get out of here, you slut.

Okay. Can I keep the soda?

Oh, all right.

Yeah!

Ohhh...

Oh, God.

I really hope there's a
hungry horse back there.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Angela, hang on.

Peter, it's your boss.

I don't want to
talk to her.

She's gonna harass me.

Oh, don't be such a baby.

I'm sorry, Angela,
Peter can't talk.

He's upstairs in the shower

touching himself
to your picture.

Gimme that.
Why are you calling me at home?

I want to hear you breathe.

- Breathe into the phone for me, Griffin.
- What?

Shh, shh, shh.
Don't talk, just breathe.

It turns me on.

That's it, Griffin.

Keep breathing.
God, I'm almost there.

Your breath is filling me up.

I like kangaroos.

Oh, sure you do.

Well, tomorrow,
I'm getting you a kangaroo t-shirt.

And she wants me to come over
to her house tonight

to work on a "special project."

I know she's gonna make me
have sex with her.

- What the hell am I gonna do?
- I don't know, Peter.

If you have sex with her,
you give her all the power.

If you don't have sex with her,
you're gay.

You can't win.

I don't want to get fired

and have to look
for another job.

What the hell do I do?

I might be able to
help you, Peter.

All right, hurry up,
let's get this over with.

All right, unbutton your shirt
and your pants.

That oughta do it.
Okay, close up.

All right, let me get
lined up right,

so she'll think it's you
she's having sex with.

- Wow, that's really clever.
- Thanks.

And if you don't feel
like doing Lois later,

I can stick around.

Let's... let's just
see how this goes.

- Hello, Griffin.
- Hello, Angela.

You know, Angela,
I've been thinking about it,

and I want to have
sex with you now.

- Really?
- Giggity.

Yeah, but...
but I want to just do it

through my zipper,
all right?

I... I... I don't want to have
to take off all my clothes,

'cause I'm self-conscious

about my Congressman
Barney Frank body.

Well, I suppose I can
work with that.

Oh, yuck.

- What do you say we go Into the bedroom?
- Uh, yeah, sure.

Aw, she's so ugly.
I don't want to get in that.

Peter, I'm... I'm not gonna do it.
Deal's off. Deal's off.

- No, it isn't!
- Yes, it is.

I'm gonna spread my legs,
and it'll be you doing it, not me.

- You better not.
- I am.

I'm re-jiggering my position
right now.

Oh, no, you don't!

What the hell is
going on here?

Oh...

Hi, Angela, I'm Peter's friend,
Glenn Quagmire.

Uh, thank you so much
for having me in your home.

And, um, I would have
had sex with you,

but Peter neglected to tell me

that you are a
complete dumpster fire.

Some friend, huh?

Okay, all right,
take it easy.

I am tired of
playing games, Griffin.

I mean, let's go.
I have waited long enough.

I'm having sex with you
right now.

No! I don't wanna!

Griffin, you have sex with me,
or you're fired.

Fine! Fire me!

I'm through bein'
harassed by you!

You know,
this is awful timing,

but I... I remembered part of
the reason I came over was

'cause my cousin is lookin'
for a job at the brewery.

I'll... I'll just put his
résumé under the door.

- Gimme another one, Horace.
- All right, but slow down, Peter.

Or else I'm gonna have to get
that lady boss of yours

to come in here and give you
a good shoe to the gift bag.

You know,
keep you in line.

I'm just kiddin' ya, Peter.

You'll find yourself a new job.

We now return to Robert Mitchum
in A Backhand For Sally.

You're getting
on that train with me.

I can't go with you. I just can't.

Okay, I'll go.
Ow! I said I'd go.

Why'd you give me the
back of your hand?

Because I love you.

Wow, I thought
you had to be in the NBA

to hit a girl in the face.

But I guess anyone can.

Of course you can hit a girl
in the face.

They have faces, don't they?

Are... are you talkin' to me,
Robert Mitchum?

You bet your ass I am.
Look at you, you're pathetic.

What kind of a man gets fired
by a broad?

- A man with a female boss?
- Don't crack wise.

Listen, Peter, somewhere along the line,
you got turned around.

You're a man.

And whaddaya think it means
to be a man?

Um, it means not gettin'
pushed around.

- Exactly.
- It means drinkin'

not because I want to,
but because I need to.

- Right!
- It means standing up to fart,

not hidin' it in a pillow,

or holdin' it in
till your stomach goes...

Now you've got it!

Gimme my keys, Horace!

I'm going to see my boss!

But, Peter, you're drunk!

Horace?

You're right.
This is more important.

Angela!

Open up in there!

Oh, my God!

Angela!

- Angela, wake up!
- What the... Griffin?

Angela, what the hell are you
doin' tryin' to kill yourself?

Oh, why the hell did you
pull me out of there?

You shoulda just
left me alone!

That's how I'm gonna
end up, anyway.

- What are you talkin' about?
- I'm talking about the fact

that I have nothing
to live for.

Sure, you do.

Someday, a white man's gonna
be elected president again.

Griffin, I haven't been with
anyone in ten years.

And when you spurned
my advances,

it was a wakeup call.

No one's ever gonna
love me again.

Wait a minute.

So that's why you been actin'
like such a wacky ass around me?

It's been so long since
I've been with a man,

I don't even remember
what it feels like.

I always imagined
it felt very painful.

You just sorta grit your teeth
and let us do what we want.

I just wish one person was able
to find me attractive.

- That's not too much to ask, is it?
- No...

Look, Angela, I came
over here to punch you

and maybe kick you
in the boob.

But now I'm all
turned around.

Angela?

- Angela?!
- Right here.

Oh. But now all I want to do
is help you out.

I'll tell you what,
you know that ritzy,

upscale place over on Third?

- The Stuffy Fella?
- That's it.

You be at the Stuffy Fella
tonight around 9:00.

I think I know someone
who might be perfect for you.

Mmm, well, hello.

Good evening, sir.

I am Reginald New York
Knickerbocker, millionaire.

Are you serving fish
this evening?

No, sir.

Then I believe
my guest has arrived.

There she is!
You must be Angela.

Hi, are you Peter's friend,
Reginald?

Mmm, indeed I am.

Mmm, what a beautiful shade
of lipstick on those teeth.

Oh, thank you, but that's
just my gums bleeding

from aggressive gingivitis.

Mmm, well,
your mouth is too sweet

for your teeth
to want to stay in.

- Oh.
- Yes.

Well, I... I'm just gonna
go to the powder room

and freshen up.

She's eatin' it up.

This is easier than an American
finding his brother in China.

Ron?

Ron, where are you?

Over here, Paul!

Oh, good, there you are.

It's pretty here.

Yes, it is.

Mmm, what a
wonderful dinner.

Would you like
some dessert?

- Did you bake a pie?
- Well, there is a pie.

It's been baking
since I met you.

Mmm, gross.

- What?
- Nothing.

You know, Angela, there's
something I need to tell you.

My doctor has given me
twenty-four hours to live.

Oh, my God!

No, no, it's quite all right.

Because I vowed to myself
that I would spend the last night of my life

in the company of the most
beautiful woman in the world.

And that's just what
I have done.

- Oh, Reginald.
- No, no, no.

This is already a perfect
end to a perfect evening.

- Good night, my dear.
- Reginald...

I want you
to make love to me.

Oh, if only I could,

but I must to a Jew to put
my affairs in order.

I know what's
going on here.

You don't want to be with me.

You're just like everybody else.

So... so go, then.

I'm just gonna stay here
and kill myself.

But you can't kill yourself

every time somebody
won't sleep with you.

I won't.

Just sleep with me just this once,

and it'll give me everything I need.

Sleep with me tonight.

Save my life.

Oh, that was fantastic!

It was exactly
what I needed.

Mmm, well, hopefully there'll
be no more talk of suicide.

Oh, no. I feel better
than I've felt in years.

I have my confidence again.

I'm ready to go back out there
and meet someone.

Well, I'm glad to be of service.

Oh, just one more thing
before you go.

What's that, my dear?

See you at work on
Monday, Griffin.

Huh? Oh, I'm gonna
have to have a word

with Rite-Aid about
this fake moustache.

Well, I got my job back,
Angela's happy again,

and she's not gonna
harass me anymore.

Everything worked out perfect.

Not really, Peter.

Yeah, you cheated
on your wife.

No, I didn't.
I used Mort.

Oh, my God,
I forgot about Mort!

I want my two dollars!