Family Guy (1998–…): Season 7, Episode 3 - Road to Germany - full transcript

Okay, everyone. Hurry up and hand in
your Oscar picks before it starts.

Peter, for best picture
you wrote Wild Hogs.

Lois, four guys from the suburbs
hit the road. And the road hit back.

Peter knows the advertising
log lines for every movie.

- Blades of Glory.
- Kick some ice.

- Entrapment.
- The trap is set.

- RV.
- On a family vacation...

...no one can hear you scream.

- Philadelphia.
- Poop-shoot lawsuit.

- I don't remember that one.
- That one doesn't sound real.

Ladies
and gentlemen, Scarlett Johansson...



...and, for some reason,
Steve Buscemi.

Man, look at that Steve Buscemi.

Every one of his teeth
is in business for itself.

You know, Steve, the art director's job
is never an easy one.

That's right, Scarlett. But this year...

- Where are you going?
- To the Elton John party.

What? I told you we were staying
for the Governors Ball.

And I told you, Tim, we would see
how the evening plays out.

You guys have fun.
I'm going for Scarlett.

It smells like Josh Hartnett's balls
in there.

Peter, may I use your restroom?

I took a laxative and a stool hardener...
Oh! And they're fighting it out in there.

Yeah, it's upstairs, Mort.

Oh, boy.
I hope there's a scale in there.



I'd like to have a before and after
on this one.

- I'll be out in a minute.
- I really need to go.

She said she'll be out in a minute.

Oh, I hope there's another bathroom
in here. Oh, God.

Oh, thank God. A Porta-Potty.

Dad, Mr. Goldman never drank
his Ensure.

Can I have it even though
it's dinnertime?

Sure, Chris. Drink Ensure as a meal
or in-between meals.

Or when you're on the go.

- Is Mort still in the bathroom?
- I'll go see if he's all right.

Mort?

Hello? Mort?

Hey, hey, hey.
What are you doing in my room?

Don't touch my stuff with your
dirty walking-on-the-street paws.

I'm looking for Mort.
He came up here an hour ago...

...and never came back down.
- Uh-oh.

- What?
- My time machine has been activated.

Time machine?
I didn't know you had a time machine.

Yeah, I built it after I got bored
with that European See 'n Say.

The pig goes, "Whack. "

The cow goes, "Shazoo. "

It most certainly does not.

The rooster goes, "Gee-gree-gee. "

Where?
Where does the rooster say that?

The monkey goes, "Magack. "

Oh, no, no, no, it does not.

The elephant goes, "Voo-arp. "

Yeah, kind of.

Stewie, do you think Mort accidentally
stumbled into the time machine?

I suppose it's possible.

Let's ask Rick Moranis and the back-up
singers from Little Shop of Horrors.

I saw a red-headed guy
Come up here about an hour ago

Mort the Jew

He seemed to be in a rush
And had a pained look on his face

Had to poo

Sha-doo ba doo ba doo

And he stepped into that box there

And suddenly
There was a big flash of light

That's when he went back in time

We have to get him back.
Where did the machine send him?

- I don't know.
- How can you not? It's a time machine.

Doesn't it have a display
that tells the year?

Is my time machine not as good
as your time machine?

Oh, yeah. Oh, no, you probably got
a way better time machine. Yeah.

Stupid dog.

Then can't you press a couple of buttons
and bring him back?

No, he can't just come back.
He needs the return pad.

Well, we can't just leave Mort
back in time.

That would be more irresponsible
than silent-movie porn.

All right, we'll go get him.

But remember, Brian, don't touch
anything when we're in the past.

Even stepping on a mosquito
could create a chain reaction...

...that alters the present.

- Really?
- No, you can do whatever you want.

Come on.

Okay, if everything worked properly...

...this should be the exact time
and place Mort was sent to.

- We just gotta figure out where we are.
- Or when we are.

Oh, that's such
a douche time-traveler thing to say.

Shazoo.

Okay, we're somewhere in Europe. Aha!

Look, Brian.

This trail of used tissues
should lead right to Mort.

Or to Quagmire.

Oh, he's gross.

Warsaw?
Well, at least we know where we are.

RABBl:
And so we had him crucified.

But that doesn't leave this room.
Anyway, the point is...

...may Chaim and Sarah have many
wonderful years together. Amen.

Excuse me,
we're looking for a Mr. Goldman.

Mr. Mort Goldman.

A small-business owner, tends to whine
a lot, kind of a hypochondriac.

Oh, no. You can't put your hand back up
after you put it down. Never mind.

Stewie, look at this.
"September 1, 1939."

There's something about that date.

I now pronounce you man and wife.
Mazletof.

Now step on the glass.

Oh, but be careful, though.

At my wedding,
I cut myself on the glass.

When I got to Palm Beach
for the honeymoon...

...I had to put a Wonder Bread bag
on my foot to keep the sand out.

Mazletof!

Oh, Mort. Thank God.

Brian and Stewie?
You're in heaven too?

Mort, this isn't heaven.
You've time-traveled into the past.

What? How is that possible?

Just trust me.
We're here to bring you home.

But it's gotta be heaven, Brian. Look.

There's my frugal Aunt Ruth,
my thrifty Uncle Isaac...

...my bargain-hunting Aunt Flo...

...and my Great-Aunt Vera who didn't
like to spend a lot on anything.

We gotta get out of here.

But, Brian, when am I gonna
have another chance...

...to see my Grandpa Chaim's wedding
with my own eyes?

Yes, he's right, Brian.

Besides, I've never been
to a Hebrew wedding.

Well, I guess we could stay
a little longer.

Oh, wonderful.
I wanna be hoisted up on the chair...

...and see what it feels like
to be top Jew.

Uh-oh.

I knew there was something
about this date.

September 1 st, 1939.
This is the German invasion of Poland.

It's also the exact day and year
that Rene Russo was born.

We gotta get out of here fast.
Set up the return pad...

...and let's get back to our own time.
- Right.

- What? Why are we still here?
- I don't know.

- It's not working.
- Yeah.

You know what's not gonna fix it?
Your shouting.

Oh, God.
Should we ask somebody for help?

Yeah, right. How many Polacks
does it take to fix a time machine?

Well, we can't stay here.

We'll have to get Mort to England.
It's the only place he'll be safe.

Oh, they're awful, those Nazis.

If they catch me,
they'll beat me unmerciful...

...and rub dirt in my ass, neck,
and all over my antsy nipples.

What?

There's the checkpoint.

If we get passed it,
we're out of occupied Poland.

- Right. Mort, you all set?
- Oh, God. I hope this works.

Hello. We'd like to leave Poland now.

We'll be bringing our friend, who is
absolutely 100 percent not Jewish.

Hey, how about that Jesus, huh?
What a guy.

Father, we are so glad you're here.

We need you to conduct last rites
for our friend over there.

Well, I suppose.

Dear God, the non-Jewish god,
be a mensch...

Ahem.

I mean, a good guy,
because it says in the old book...

Not so old, though.

You know, still good. Still good.

Still some things... Good things to say.

We pray in the name of you
and of your son...

...who died in a freak accident
that you can't really blame on anyone...

Ahem.

Take this man up
to your retail paying place.

Are you sure you're a real priest?

Yeah. Yeah, I can vouch for him.
He's real. He's molested me many times.

Sorry I'm late. I was busy doing
innocent non-molesty things.

Wait a minute, two priests?

That is impossible.

This collar comes right off.

He's a filthy Jew!

Oh, boy. You should be glad...

...your Human Resources person
was not around to hear that.

Run.

Hey, buddy, I need to borrow this.

Das poop!

I wanna get back on
the motorcycle.

- I told you, it's out of gas.
- Why isn't the time machine working?

- I don't know, Mort.
- I hate it here.

I hate this whole goddamn place.
It's all a bunch of shit.

It's all a bunch
of goddamn shit.

- Okay, take it easy, man.
- No. Fuck you, Stewie.

I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe.
Fuck you. Fuck the both of you.

- I didn't say anything.
- Oh, thanks, Brian.

- This is a bunch of shit!
- Okay, you know what, Mort?

Shut up! All right?
Just shut the fuck up.

I don't give a shit about you.
You know, we could just leave you here.

Yeah, right. Just leave me here.
That's great.

We're in occupied Europe.
And if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish.

Oh, I noticed.
Helen Keller would notice.

- Eat my ass, Brian.
- Don't you mean your ass neck?

Shut up. That's a real thing.

Well, Nazis. That's refreshing.

All right, on three,
we'll make for the closest U-boat.

Everybody, hang on.

We're being pursued by two objects.

Looks like one's another U-boat.

The other appears to be
Terence Trent D'Arby.

Fire.

- Uh-oh.
- What?

- Hold on to something.
- Why isn't the time machine working?

I swear to God, Mort...

...I will stuff you in a torpedo tube
and crush you against the sea.

Brian, I've got an idea.
It's a long shot, but it just might work.

- See that newspaper?
- Yeah.

Stuff it in the waste tube.

Can you hand me the radio?

Thanks. Hi, this is car...

- What number are we?
- Five-five.

Car 55. We're in a sub.

Oh, my God. It's England.

We've reached England. We're saved.

Really? Are you sure it's England?

Yes, I can see
the white cliffs of Dover.

Boy, they weren't kidding.
Those things are white.

So we're gonna take the whole family
on vacation this summer.

Load up the Country Squire
and head up to New Hampshire.

By the way, thanks for
the recommendation. Great cheese shop.

Yeah. You know, our youngest has been
accepted to Northfield Mount Hermon.

Oh, gosh.
Is Warren in high school already?

Yeah. You know, a funny thing happened
to me on the way to middle age.

My kids grew up.

Say, you know, when you take
that vacation...

...don't forget traveler's insurance.

A lot of people do,
and a lot of people are sorry.

London in wartime.

This is history right here, Brian.

And look, there's Winston Churchill.

Maybe we'll get an up-close look
at his legendary wit.

Oh, Winston. Drunk again, I see.

Yeah, well, you're a cunt.

Wickedly funny.

I guess history has just
whittled it down to the gems.

- Why isn't the time machine working?
- I'm working on it, Mort, all right?

- Oh, here's the problem.
What is it?

The transfer circuits are powered
by uranium and this is tapped out.

Are you saying we need
to find some uranium?

I'm afraid so.

But where do we find uranium
in World War II Europe?

There's only one place.

At the top-secret
atomic-research facility...

...in Berlin.

Wait, Germany's building weapons
of mass destruction?

Why doesn't America go there
and kick their asses?

I don't know.
Maybe because they don't have any oil.

Oh. Clap, clap, clap.

- I don't know. I don't wanna do this.
- Berlin is the closest place...

...we're gonna find uranium.
It's the only way to get home.

Men, as officers of the Royal Air Force,
you're the very best in the world.

However, this mission to Germany
will not be an easy one.

Four-and-a-half of every five of you
will not return.

Half of Jenson there can tell you,
it gets pretty sticky.

But I never lost my good spirits,
I haven't.

So let's get up there, be safe...

...and get back to the big, fat pigs
of wives we have waiting at home.

- Pardon me, I'd like to join.
- What are your qualifications?

I have a British accent,
I'm possibly homosexual...

...and my wife is ghastly.

Bombs away.

- Talk to me, Goose.
- Don't call me that.

You're my eyes, Goose.
Keep an eye out for those Krauts.

Uh-oh. Germans dead ahead.

It's another wave of fighters.
We're outnumbered.

Oh, no, we're not.

Stand by, my Hawkmen.

Dive!

Oh, my God and baby Jesus!
We're going down!

Quick, get the parachutes.

There are no parachutes.
All I can find was this.

A raft? We're not sinking.
We're crashing!

- Where are we?
- I think we're in Germany.

Look, there's the Black Forest.

We gonna take the whole family
on vacation this summer.

The 10 of us gonna load up the Impala
and head on down to Hotlanta.

Hey, I heard that. Hey, thanks for
the tip on that check-cashing place.

I was in and out with
one ID.

You know my boy
is out on bail next week, right?

Man. It seems like yesterday
he was in juvie.

Hey. Say, man, when you
on your trip...

...skip that traveler's insurance.
That's a rip-off.

There it is. Berlin.

So this is Berlin, huh?

Doesn't seem so bad.

Dear God, this place is nightmarish.

Look at the offensive way
they draw Jewish people.

It's here. The uranium lab is in here.

- Where'd you get that thing?
- Up your ass.

- What?
- What?

Hey, fellas,
you want to get a free caricature?

- Yeah.
- I want to be a skateboarder.

There's something on here.

Huh, that's weird.

All right, come on.
Let's get inside that lab.

- Hey, guys.
Hitler!

How's it going, Mr. Hitler?

Oh, it's a dog-eat-dog Reich
and I'm wearing bacon pants.

- So how's the atomic bomb coming?
- It's coming. It's coming.

There are problems.
We're having better luck...

...developing this impressive collection
of 100 luftballons.

Oh, damn.

I guess we'll just let you
get back to work.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I don't suppose you boys
have uranium I could borrow?

Oh, of course.

Give him some uranium,
Mean Joe Green.

Hey, kid. Catch.

Thanks, Mean Joe.

- He's not really mean at all.
- No, he's a nice guy.

Okay, the time machine is refueled.

Let's find a safe spot
and make the trip back home.

Arrest him! Arrest those three!

These filth are making a mockery
of our Reich.

Execute them!

- Unless...
- Unless what?

Unless they can sing
a charming musical number.

Whenever...

Damn it, will you two just get
in the fucking time machine?

We did it. We're home.
Everything's fine.

- Uh... Well, not quite.
- What do you mean?

Aren't you nervous Mort knows
all about this stuff?

Oh, I'm one step ahead of you, Brian.

See, we've arrived 30 seconds before
Mort came up to use the bathroom.

Only this time, things are gonna play out
a bit differently.

Can I poop in here?

- No.
- No.

Too late.