Family Guy (1998–…): Season 7, Episode 4 - Baby Not on Board - full transcript
While on duty at the Mini-Mart, Chris asks Peter for some advice about his sexuality, but Peter - ignoring the fact that his son has asked him a question - decides that he is being sexually harassed and threatens to sue. The store owner responds by giving Peter a coupon redeemable for free gasoline for a year. Lois decides that the family should go on a vacation to Grand Canyon. As the Griffins are packing up to leave, a sleep-famished Stewie wanders from his car seat and goes into the house to sleep. Everyone fails to notice that Stewie is not in the car - he has been left home alone. As the other Griffins partake in road-trip activities - such as singing Bette Midler's "The Rose" and engaging with Glenn in a road rage incident - Stewie frolics around the house, doing whatever he pleases. When the Griffins arrive at the site of the 9/11 attacks in New York City, Lois finally sees that Stewie is not in the car and must have been left behind at home. Lois calls Quagmire and Cleveland to go check on Stewie, but Stewie mistakes them (at first) for burglars and subdues them; when he discovers who his victims are, Stewie decides to shackle them anyway in the basement ... then make them watch the 24-hour DirecTV Help channel. Stewie then eats all the food in the house and, lacking money to buy more food, gets a job at McBurger Town; his job is short-lived, however, when his boss discovers he tried to eat free food on the job. When Lois doesn't hear back from Quamire or Cleveland, she insists that Peter drive home to get Stewie. On the way home, Peter - while driving - is distracted by a television screen in a passing vehicle and (somehow) sneaks into that car to watch the movie; as a result, the Griffins car runs off the road. The Griffins try to buy train tickets to get home, but when Peter wastes their remaining money on useless items, Lois becomes very angry. As she and Peter get into a huge argument, Brian is able to hitch a ride with a motorist, and the Griffins arrive home safely to reunite with Stewie. However, Peter is unable to find Quagmire or Cleveland, who are still trapped in the basement and ... by now, are reciting trance-like the entire spiel as aired on DirecTV's help network. In the closing seconds, Cleveland remarks about the upcoming spin off built around his character, "The Cleveland Show" (which is scheduled to premiere on Fox in 2009).
La team Aeon vous présente:
Family Guy Saison 7 Episode 4:
Baby Not On Board (V.O)
Ont participé à l'épisode: Arthuruss,
Weasel Busters et babybello
You guys are gonna love this spa.
They give the best massages.
Your all body'll feel like Joe's legs.
That would be nice for a short period.
Uh, I tell you, i need this.
I've had a really stressful morning.
Wait a minute, doc !
Are you telling me...
that it's height twenty-five ?
- Precisely !
Damn !
I'm late for school !
Don't need money,
don't take fame
Don't need no credit card to
ride this train
It's strong and it's sudden
and it's cruel sometimes
But it might just save your life
That's the power of love
Okay, well, just get yourself sit
upon the table.
I give you minute.
Uh, what am I supposed...
- You ready in there ?
- Yap.
Oh, ahah, you put some fake
poo on the floor.
Oh no !
Get out, get out ! skank !
Ah, this is more like it.
Oh, my love
Is the music ok ?
Actually, would you mind tune it
to 97.1 ?
You're listening to the quiet storm.
Up next, the music of the isleys
Teddy Pendergrass, and right now,
here's some Marvin Gaye.
Oh, that's what I'm talking about.
This is long overdue.
There's nothing like a good
suit massage.
Focus on, little pal.
It's where I carry most of my stress.
Okay, here's one.
If you would gay
and you had to have sex with
John Forsythe or Sean Connery.
Who would it be ?
Oh, that's easy, John Forsythe.
- Yeah, John Forsythe
- John Forsythe, absolutely.
It's so funny, I would also say
John Forsythe, I was just curious.
Yeah, I mean Sean Connery is
just so...
Uh-ho.
Oh God, I am so sorry.
It's too late, the damage's done.
Hey Chris, you know what I just got ?
The box set of Lords of the Rings.
It's awesome.
Yeah, but, you remember the
giant eagle they
rode in the first one and
then rescue them
at the end of the first one ?
- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, why they didn't just
fly the eagle to
Mordor instead of spending
three movies walking here.
That's not what it's about Chris.
It's about the quest.
Oh, I'm not arguing that with
you, I'm just
saying there's a hole in the story.
- Have you ever seen Crawl ?
- No.
Yeah, you don't need to see Crawl.
Alright guys, the best thing
you can do for your
body after a massage is hot
coffee, alcohol and slim gyms.
Oh, dad, I'm glad you're here.
There's something I need to ask you.
- What is it Chris ?
- Well, uh...
Today in gym class,
I noticed one of my testicles
went up inside my body and
hasn't come back out yet.
And, I'm a little scared.
Ah, Sir, this employee just made a
sexual remark to me.
No dad, I'm...
I'm really worried.
See ? Look, is that normal ?
Sir, Sir ! Your employee is
exposing himself to me.
But dad...
You've got a lawsuit on your hands,
mister.
Oh, okay, look look,
If you'd be well enough to forget this
whole thing happened. I'll...
give you this gas card.
Unlimited free gas for a year ?
Just cause I threaten to sue you?
Well, that, and...
You're not the worst looking guy.
who's ever come in here.
That's what I wanted to hear.
Wow, Peter, a free gas card.
This could save us a lot of money.
Yeah, everyone except of
Brian 'cause he brought a
Prius, what a dumbass.
What I miss ? Are we laughing at Brian ?
Oh, Brian, you suck.
What the devil is in here ?
Oh, I threw up all your
apple-juice Stewie.
We're a gas family now.
You put gazoline in Stewie's bottle ?
You damn fool !
You're more useless than Aquaman !
Help ! Somebody help, rape !
Scream all you want,
nobody can hear you out here.
I can !
Aquaman, help !
- Hey, let her go !
- Or what ?
Or...
Or...
I don't know man, but you're...
you're lucky you're not
doing that over here.
In the ocean.
Or else.
Or I would stop you.
For God sake, help !
Do something !
Oh, if you don't like starfish,
you're gonna be
mad about what I just did.
Oh God, help !
Are you in for now, budy ?
Now, I got like
five fish coming to help.
Oh, Oh ! Here they are !
Help, he's hurting me !
Well, maybe you shouldn't let him on.
Peter, what the hell is that ?
It's a space shuttle Lois.
I thinking while I'm unlimited free
gas I can finally afford to
go into space.
Why is it everytime I open this
door you seem to be in some ridiculous
vehicule you inexplicably acquired.
I got this in a NASA auction for
next to nothing.
They were gonna scrap it 'cause of some
minor mechanical problems or some
instead they sold it to me, very
simple explication.
I do not want you trying to
fly that thing.
You're not even a trained astronaute.
Relax Lois, nothing bad ever
happened to space shuttles.
Now stand back.
I'm back from space everybody.
You got lucky Peter.
How was it dad ?
Oh, mind-boggling Chris.
Barreling around the earth at five miles
per second, watching the sunrise
over the sea at Japan,
it's indescribable.
Plus I had lot of time to rub one out
which in space is great.
Except after a while it's like
living in a snowglobe.
Peter, instead of wasting your free gas
on a series of commit extense.
What don't you use it
more constructively ?
I mean we can take a family vacation.
You got a great idea mom.
Hey, maybe we can go to the
island from Lost.
No, I don't want to listen to
Matthew Fox's heavy breathing.
Kate...
You don't get it...
We are the island.
Hand me that paper bag.
Jack, that's got my poop in it.
I know...
I know...
It's got a hint of coconut in it
and something else...
But that's a part of the mystery.
All on board for the Grand Canyon.
Oh, I know you're tired Stewie, but you
can sleep all you want in the car.
Oh, 06:00 am.
I should no stay up all
night listening to
persian radio.
That's was
Roxette with "You got the look".
got the look. It's 21 o'clock and
still 27 centigrade out there.
That's hot !
So, if you're cruising
along the lest side
of the road at a 120 km/h
in the desert.
turn up the decibels.
'Cause it's on 103.2
What with all those birds ?
My tropical bird collection.
- Just in case.
- Just in case what ?
We're not going to need
a dozen tropical birds.
Oh, I was not aware that
you could see the future Lois.
Can I go ahead and get tomorrows
lottery number ?
Stupid women.
Peter, you're not puting
those bird on the car.
Well then, I guess we're not
going on vacation.
Good, then I'm going back to bed.
Alright Peter, you can bring
these stupid birds.
Yeah ! You let me be myself !
Alright everybody, let's go.
Alright everybody, off we go.
We're gonna have such a great time.
Hello ?
Hi Peter, what's up ?
Oh hey Quagmire. Just taking the
family on vacation.
- Oh that's good.
Oh hang on a second I'm
stuck behind some
fat ass driven too slow.
Come on stupid, move it !
Oh hang on Quadmire, some jerk
behind me is honking his horn.
Oh you should totally flip him off.
Oh hang on a sec, some fat-ass
just flipped me off.
Hey up yours you jerk !
Hang on Quagmire, I gotta
kick this guy's ass.
Yeah, I'm gonna kick this guy's ass.
Hey, I call you back after the fight.
Yeah, me too.
Good luck in yours.
Good luck in yours.
Lois ? I'm awake lois.
Lois !
Lois ?
Where the devil is everyone ?
This place is more deserted than
James Gandolfini work out room.
Just waiting for my breakfast.
Lois !
I know how to get her attention.
Lois ?
I'm about to drink my first soda.
Better come stop me.
Hm, that must be the sugar.
Oh, God that's good !
Ruppert, suddently I want
to run ! Chase me !
Oh, now I'm sad.
Brian, do me a favor and check
on Stewie, would you ?
He's fine.
Hey, what do you say we sing
a driven song ?
Some say love it is a river
that drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razor
that leaves your soul to bleed
When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong
Just remember
in the winterfar beneath
the bitter snows
lies the seed
that with the sun's love
in the spring
becomes the rose
Okay, that was good, that was good.
Chris I think you were
a little early at the start
of buff four.
I don't know how that's sound
from your end.
Sound great out there, you
want another ?
No, if that works for you, we're fine.
All good on my end.
Alright, that's a take.
There's no sign of them anywhere.
Meg ?
Chris ?
Brian ?
They're gone.
I'm all alone.
I can do whatever I want !
I'm gonna take Brian's novel
and replace every use of the word "and"
with the word "fart".
The young soldier fart his
brother look at each other.
Fart both knew that with love,
fart true, fart courage,
they will both emerge to farting
on their feet.
Oh, that one didn't work.
Well, let see what fascinating
puberty treasure Chris has
got in the way.
Oh, Oslo magasine.
I finally get to see what
a vagina looks.
Oh God, oh my God !
Oh my God !
You...
can't hurt...
anyone...
anymore...
Why are we in New York ?
I thought we were going to
the Grand Canyon.
Well, i just thought we should stop and
pay our respects.
Ground zero.
So this is where the first
guy got AIDS.
Peter, this is the site of the 9/11
terrorist attacks.
-Oh, so Saddam Hussein did this?
- No.
- The Iraqi army ?
- No.
- Some guys from Irak ?
- No.
That one lady who visited Iraq
that one time ?
- No, Peter, Irak had nothing to
do with this, it was a bunch of
Saudi Arabians, Lebanese, and Egyptians
financed by a Saudi Arabian
guy living in
Afghanistan and sheltered by Pakistanis.
So, you're saying we
need to invade Iran?
Wake up Stewie.
Let's get you out of that sit
into a fresh diaper
Oh my God.
Peter ! Stewie's not in the car.
Oh my God, we must let him at home !
Oh my God, that...
is...
hilarious... He is
probably freaking out.
God ! I'll give anything to see his
face right now.
He's probably all like
"Where the deuce is everyone ?"
Well, I can't, I can't really
do a good Stewie.
Oh my God, what kind of a mother am I ?
Peter, we gotta go home right now.
Oh great Lois, now we got
a bail on the all
vacation. This sucks.
Now everytime I come back to this
place it's gonna be associated with one
particular bad memory.
Well, actually we could call
Quagmire and Cleveland.
They'll go and check on Stewie.
They'll probably willing to look after
him 'till we get home.
Well,
okay, I guess so.
Yeah, Quagmire and Cleveland
are great with kids.
Like Robin Williams in Patch Adams.
Everybody's lying around in here.
Liar, liar ! Pants on fire !
Where am I, in Congress ?
See ? Laugh is the best medicine.
Please Sir, I'm in so much pain.
Shut up and listen to my material.
Uh, what's this ?
Bedpan, Peter pan.
Oh, next stop is Neverland.
Come Wendy, fly with me !
I never executed a
diaper change before.
Of course, how hard can it be ?
You just unface this things,
then lay back with
your legs on the air
and let nature do the rest.
It's still there.
Usually the doody disappear
by now but it hasn't.
Intruders !
Stewie, you in there ?
You think he's here ?
Oh God it's Cleveland and Bob Hope.
Oh well, the damage's done.
Better get them out of here.
Perhaps I'd shackle them in the basement
with the twenty-four hours
broadcast of the direct
tv help channel.
What the hell ?
Where are we ?
Getting to know your remote is
easier than you might think.
These buttons at the top control volume,
channel,
and the power on your receiver.
To see what else is playing,
just press "Guide"
and then scrow through the
unscreen menu by
pushing the arrow button.
This maybe kind of messed up but
am I the only one getting a
boner right now ?
Is there anything that doesn't
give you a boner, Glenn ?
People use the word rubbish
When they mean garbage.
- Really ?
- Yep, not even a wiggle down there.
Peter, it's been eight hours and I
haven't heard back from
Cleveland or Quagmire.
I even tried Joe.
This is my wheelchair !
There many like it but
this one is mine !
Without me my wheelchair is useless.
Without my wheelchair, I am useless.
- Shut up !
- Okay.
This sucks.
I wanna see the Grand Canyon.
I'm sorry but we're not
leaving Stewie by himself.
We're going home.
No way ! Those
guys have a TV in their car.
They're watching Operation Dumbo 6
with Don Knotts.
Professor, you've got to empregnant
this elephant to the entire
species will become extinct.
You mean I got to put this thing
this thing in that thing ?
Well, this is a job that
not worth the money.
Peter, watch the road !
Lois, get off my back.
Will you ? I'm trying to watch TV.
I swear to God, sometimes I think I
had screw on picks one.
I mean do you have any idea...
Hey crashie.
What are you doing down there ?
Well Ruppert, we're out of food,
diapers and just about everything else.
wich means I've got to get a job.
Otherwise we'll be in worst shape
than Morbidly Obese Albert.
Hey Morbidly Obese Albert,
We brought you some chocolate.
Uh, I can't eat those chocolates.
uncounting my diabetes.
Remember they had to take my foot.
Look on the bright side.
Now you get your shoes half price.
Maybe I'll have one.
Welcome to the Mcburgertown,
Can I take your order ?
Stewie you've got to clean the bathroom.
No, No ! I'm not going back in there !
Stewie, I'm not giving you a choice.
You've gotta go clean that up.
No, it was literally, only
on the floor !
Alright, there was not attempt
to get near the toilet.
It's like they just...
press their buttocks against the wall.
The only part of the
floor that didn't have
poo on it was the part who
had a baby on it.
Go !
Peter, did you get the train tickets ?
Actually no Lois, there was a guy inside
selling shower curtain rings, so I
bought a bunch of those.
Peter ! That's was the
last of out cash !
These ones have helium
in them, so they're
very light.
- You are unbelievable !
The last four days have
been a living hell !
Our baby is at home all
by himself yet of getting us home you've
managed to make things
worse at every turn !
A monkey would be a refreshing
step up from you.
A monkey would talk less.
Here's a little tip. If your instinct
tells you to do something, don't do it !
If your instinct tell you not to
do something, it's
probably the right thing to do !
You wanna hurt me ?
Go right ahead, if it makes you
feel any better.
I'm an easy target.
Yeah, you're right.
I talk too much.
I also listen too much.
Oh, I could be a cold-hearted
cynic like you.
But I don't like to hurt
people's feelings.
And you think what you want about me
I'm not changing.
I like... I like me.
My kids like me.
My friends like me.
'Cause I'm the real article.
What you see is what you get.
Movie references.
Guys, I found us a ride to
Quahog in the back of a truck, hurry !
Oh, thank God.
Come on, let's head home
before Stewie gets hurt.
Like Fuzzy bear when he
went to South Arabia.
Oh, it's good to worship Allah.
'Cause i used to worship Sama.
Wakka wakka !
I once know a guy who was so arab.
How arab was he ?
He was so arab that...
everybody liked him and
there was nothing funny
about him at all.
Stewie, can I see you in my
office for a second ?
Yeah, what's up Eric, everything ok ?
Yeah, just come to my office.
Stewie, Joanna says she
saw you sneaking food.
Whhaaaat ?
She said she saw you in
the back of the kitchen,
sneaking a fish sandwich.
Oh come on, dude !
Yes, okay, but the thing was
five minute past the throw up time.
Well, beat as it may, Joanna took these
pictures on her cellphone.
You're fired.
We're broke Ruppert.
I'm jobless, there's no food left.
I'm out of diapers and I'm
down to Meg's last hat.
We're doomed you know.
Let it be writing on my tombstone
that my life
was considerably better with my
family around.
And I didn't realized until it was
too late.
Mommy ! Daddy !
Chris ! Dog !
Brian ! They're home !
Oh mommy, thank God you're home !
Oh, Stewie my baby !
I promess with all my
heart that I'll never say or do
anything bad to you for the rest
of the evening.
By the way, I disable the V-chip
and I watched so much porn.
Oh, sweetie I'm so
glad you're alright.
Yeah, no thanks to Cleveland
and Quagmire.
What the hell happened to them ?
And now you're ready to enjoy
the full range
of exciting DirectTV program
in options.
And remember, for answers to any
questions you may have,
you can get consult
the unscreen help menu.
Or, twenty-four hours online system is
/help
So sit back,
and enjoy DirectTV.
Thanks for joining us.
Welcome to the direct TV help channel.
Your destination for getting
started with
your new direct TV system.
Did I tell you I'm getting a spin-off ?
Family Guy Saison 7 Episode 4:
Baby Not On Board (V.O)
Ont participé à l'épisode: Arthuruss,
Weasel Busters et babybello
You guys are gonna love this spa.
They give the best massages.
Your all body'll feel like Joe's legs.
That would be nice for a short period.
Uh, I tell you, i need this.
I've had a really stressful morning.
Wait a minute, doc !
Are you telling me...
that it's height twenty-five ?
- Precisely !
Damn !
I'm late for school !
Don't need money,
don't take fame
Don't need no credit card to
ride this train
It's strong and it's sudden
and it's cruel sometimes
But it might just save your life
That's the power of love
Okay, well, just get yourself sit
upon the table.
I give you minute.
Uh, what am I supposed...
- You ready in there ?
- Yap.
Oh, ahah, you put some fake
poo on the floor.
Oh no !
Get out, get out ! skank !
Ah, this is more like it.
Oh, my love
Is the music ok ?
Actually, would you mind tune it
to 97.1 ?
You're listening to the quiet storm.
Up next, the music of the isleys
Teddy Pendergrass, and right now,
here's some Marvin Gaye.
Oh, that's what I'm talking about.
This is long overdue.
There's nothing like a good
suit massage.
Focus on, little pal.
It's where I carry most of my stress.
Okay, here's one.
If you would gay
and you had to have sex with
John Forsythe or Sean Connery.
Who would it be ?
Oh, that's easy, John Forsythe.
- Yeah, John Forsythe
- John Forsythe, absolutely.
It's so funny, I would also say
John Forsythe, I was just curious.
Yeah, I mean Sean Connery is
just so...
Uh-ho.
Oh God, I am so sorry.
It's too late, the damage's done.
Hey Chris, you know what I just got ?
The box set of Lords of the Rings.
It's awesome.
Yeah, but, you remember the
giant eagle they
rode in the first one and
then rescue them
at the end of the first one ?
- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, why they didn't just
fly the eagle to
Mordor instead of spending
three movies walking here.
That's not what it's about Chris.
It's about the quest.
Oh, I'm not arguing that with
you, I'm just
saying there's a hole in the story.
- Have you ever seen Crawl ?
- No.
Yeah, you don't need to see Crawl.
Alright guys, the best thing
you can do for your
body after a massage is hot
coffee, alcohol and slim gyms.
Oh, dad, I'm glad you're here.
There's something I need to ask you.
- What is it Chris ?
- Well, uh...
Today in gym class,
I noticed one of my testicles
went up inside my body and
hasn't come back out yet.
And, I'm a little scared.
Ah, Sir, this employee just made a
sexual remark to me.
No dad, I'm...
I'm really worried.
See ? Look, is that normal ?
Sir, Sir ! Your employee is
exposing himself to me.
But dad...
You've got a lawsuit on your hands,
mister.
Oh, okay, look look,
If you'd be well enough to forget this
whole thing happened. I'll...
give you this gas card.
Unlimited free gas for a year ?
Just cause I threaten to sue you?
Well, that, and...
You're not the worst looking guy.
who's ever come in here.
That's what I wanted to hear.
Wow, Peter, a free gas card.
This could save us a lot of money.
Yeah, everyone except of
Brian 'cause he brought a
Prius, what a dumbass.
What I miss ? Are we laughing at Brian ?
Oh, Brian, you suck.
What the devil is in here ?
Oh, I threw up all your
apple-juice Stewie.
We're a gas family now.
You put gazoline in Stewie's bottle ?
You damn fool !
You're more useless than Aquaman !
Help ! Somebody help, rape !
Scream all you want,
nobody can hear you out here.
I can !
Aquaman, help !
- Hey, let her go !
- Or what ?
Or...
Or...
I don't know man, but you're...
you're lucky you're not
doing that over here.
In the ocean.
Or else.
Or I would stop you.
For God sake, help !
Do something !
Oh, if you don't like starfish,
you're gonna be
mad about what I just did.
Oh God, help !
Are you in for now, budy ?
Now, I got like
five fish coming to help.
Oh, Oh ! Here they are !
Help, he's hurting me !
Well, maybe you shouldn't let him on.
Peter, what the hell is that ?
It's a space shuttle Lois.
I thinking while I'm unlimited free
gas I can finally afford to
go into space.
Why is it everytime I open this
door you seem to be in some ridiculous
vehicule you inexplicably acquired.
I got this in a NASA auction for
next to nothing.
They were gonna scrap it 'cause of some
minor mechanical problems or some
instead they sold it to me, very
simple explication.
I do not want you trying to
fly that thing.
You're not even a trained astronaute.
Relax Lois, nothing bad ever
happened to space shuttles.
Now stand back.
I'm back from space everybody.
You got lucky Peter.
How was it dad ?
Oh, mind-boggling Chris.
Barreling around the earth at five miles
per second, watching the sunrise
over the sea at Japan,
it's indescribable.
Plus I had lot of time to rub one out
which in space is great.
Except after a while it's like
living in a snowglobe.
Peter, instead of wasting your free gas
on a series of commit extense.
What don't you use it
more constructively ?
I mean we can take a family vacation.
You got a great idea mom.
Hey, maybe we can go to the
island from Lost.
No, I don't want to listen to
Matthew Fox's heavy breathing.
Kate...
You don't get it...
We are the island.
Hand me that paper bag.
Jack, that's got my poop in it.
I know...
I know...
It's got a hint of coconut in it
and something else...
But that's a part of the mystery.
All on board for the Grand Canyon.
Oh, I know you're tired Stewie, but you
can sleep all you want in the car.
Oh, 06:00 am.
I should no stay up all
night listening to
persian radio.
That's was
Roxette with "You got the look".
got the look. It's 21 o'clock and
still 27 centigrade out there.
That's hot !
So, if you're cruising
along the lest side
of the road at a 120 km/h
in the desert.
turn up the decibels.
'Cause it's on 103.2
What with all those birds ?
My tropical bird collection.
- Just in case.
- Just in case what ?
We're not going to need
a dozen tropical birds.
Oh, I was not aware that
you could see the future Lois.
Can I go ahead and get tomorrows
lottery number ?
Stupid women.
Peter, you're not puting
those bird on the car.
Well then, I guess we're not
going on vacation.
Good, then I'm going back to bed.
Alright Peter, you can bring
these stupid birds.
Yeah ! You let me be myself !
Alright everybody, let's go.
Alright everybody, off we go.
We're gonna have such a great time.
Hello ?
Hi Peter, what's up ?
Oh hey Quagmire. Just taking the
family on vacation.
- Oh that's good.
Oh hang on a second I'm
stuck behind some
fat ass driven too slow.
Come on stupid, move it !
Oh hang on Quadmire, some jerk
behind me is honking his horn.
Oh you should totally flip him off.
Oh hang on a sec, some fat-ass
just flipped me off.
Hey up yours you jerk !
Hang on Quagmire, I gotta
kick this guy's ass.
Yeah, I'm gonna kick this guy's ass.
Hey, I call you back after the fight.
Yeah, me too.
Good luck in yours.
Good luck in yours.
Lois ? I'm awake lois.
Lois !
Lois ?
Where the devil is everyone ?
This place is more deserted than
James Gandolfini work out room.
Just waiting for my breakfast.
Lois !
I know how to get her attention.
Lois ?
I'm about to drink my first soda.
Better come stop me.
Hm, that must be the sugar.
Oh, God that's good !
Ruppert, suddently I want
to run ! Chase me !
Oh, now I'm sad.
Brian, do me a favor and check
on Stewie, would you ?
He's fine.
Hey, what do you say we sing
a driven song ?
Some say love it is a river
that drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razor
that leaves your soul to bleed
When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong
Just remember
in the winterfar beneath
the bitter snows
lies the seed
that with the sun's love
in the spring
becomes the rose
Okay, that was good, that was good.
Chris I think you were
a little early at the start
of buff four.
I don't know how that's sound
from your end.
Sound great out there, you
want another ?
No, if that works for you, we're fine.
All good on my end.
Alright, that's a take.
There's no sign of them anywhere.
Meg ?
Chris ?
Brian ?
They're gone.
I'm all alone.
I can do whatever I want !
I'm gonna take Brian's novel
and replace every use of the word "and"
with the word "fart".
The young soldier fart his
brother look at each other.
Fart both knew that with love,
fart true, fart courage,
they will both emerge to farting
on their feet.
Oh, that one didn't work.
Well, let see what fascinating
puberty treasure Chris has
got in the way.
Oh, Oslo magasine.
I finally get to see what
a vagina looks.
Oh God, oh my God !
Oh my God !
You...
can't hurt...
anyone...
anymore...
Why are we in New York ?
I thought we were going to
the Grand Canyon.
Well, i just thought we should stop and
pay our respects.
Ground zero.
So this is where the first
guy got AIDS.
Peter, this is the site of the 9/11
terrorist attacks.
-Oh, so Saddam Hussein did this?
- No.
- The Iraqi army ?
- No.
- Some guys from Irak ?
- No.
That one lady who visited Iraq
that one time ?
- No, Peter, Irak had nothing to
do with this, it was a bunch of
Saudi Arabians, Lebanese, and Egyptians
financed by a Saudi Arabian
guy living in
Afghanistan and sheltered by Pakistanis.
So, you're saying we
need to invade Iran?
Wake up Stewie.
Let's get you out of that sit
into a fresh diaper
Oh my God.
Peter ! Stewie's not in the car.
Oh my God, we must let him at home !
Oh my God, that...
is...
hilarious... He is
probably freaking out.
God ! I'll give anything to see his
face right now.
He's probably all like
"Where the deuce is everyone ?"
Well, I can't, I can't really
do a good Stewie.
Oh my God, what kind of a mother am I ?
Peter, we gotta go home right now.
Oh great Lois, now we got
a bail on the all
vacation. This sucks.
Now everytime I come back to this
place it's gonna be associated with one
particular bad memory.
Well, actually we could call
Quagmire and Cleveland.
They'll go and check on Stewie.
They'll probably willing to look after
him 'till we get home.
Well,
okay, I guess so.
Yeah, Quagmire and Cleveland
are great with kids.
Like Robin Williams in Patch Adams.
Everybody's lying around in here.
Liar, liar ! Pants on fire !
Where am I, in Congress ?
See ? Laugh is the best medicine.
Please Sir, I'm in so much pain.
Shut up and listen to my material.
Uh, what's this ?
Bedpan, Peter pan.
Oh, next stop is Neverland.
Come Wendy, fly with me !
I never executed a
diaper change before.
Of course, how hard can it be ?
You just unface this things,
then lay back with
your legs on the air
and let nature do the rest.
It's still there.
Usually the doody disappear
by now but it hasn't.
Intruders !
Stewie, you in there ?
You think he's here ?
Oh God it's Cleveland and Bob Hope.
Oh well, the damage's done.
Better get them out of here.
Perhaps I'd shackle them in the basement
with the twenty-four hours
broadcast of the direct
tv help channel.
What the hell ?
Where are we ?
Getting to know your remote is
easier than you might think.
These buttons at the top control volume,
channel,
and the power on your receiver.
To see what else is playing,
just press "Guide"
and then scrow through the
unscreen menu by
pushing the arrow button.
This maybe kind of messed up but
am I the only one getting a
boner right now ?
Is there anything that doesn't
give you a boner, Glenn ?
People use the word rubbish
When they mean garbage.
- Really ?
- Yep, not even a wiggle down there.
Peter, it's been eight hours and I
haven't heard back from
Cleveland or Quagmire.
I even tried Joe.
This is my wheelchair !
There many like it but
this one is mine !
Without me my wheelchair is useless.
Without my wheelchair, I am useless.
- Shut up !
- Okay.
This sucks.
I wanna see the Grand Canyon.
I'm sorry but we're not
leaving Stewie by himself.
We're going home.
No way ! Those
guys have a TV in their car.
They're watching Operation Dumbo 6
with Don Knotts.
Professor, you've got to empregnant
this elephant to the entire
species will become extinct.
You mean I got to put this thing
this thing in that thing ?
Well, this is a job that
not worth the money.
Peter, watch the road !
Lois, get off my back.
Will you ? I'm trying to watch TV.
I swear to God, sometimes I think I
had screw on picks one.
I mean do you have any idea...
Hey crashie.
What are you doing down there ?
Well Ruppert, we're out of food,
diapers and just about everything else.
wich means I've got to get a job.
Otherwise we'll be in worst shape
than Morbidly Obese Albert.
Hey Morbidly Obese Albert,
We brought you some chocolate.
Uh, I can't eat those chocolates.
uncounting my diabetes.
Remember they had to take my foot.
Look on the bright side.
Now you get your shoes half price.
Maybe I'll have one.
Welcome to the Mcburgertown,
Can I take your order ?
Stewie you've got to clean the bathroom.
No, No ! I'm not going back in there !
Stewie, I'm not giving you a choice.
You've gotta go clean that up.
No, it was literally, only
on the floor !
Alright, there was not attempt
to get near the toilet.
It's like they just...
press their buttocks against the wall.
The only part of the
floor that didn't have
poo on it was the part who
had a baby on it.
Go !
Peter, did you get the train tickets ?
Actually no Lois, there was a guy inside
selling shower curtain rings, so I
bought a bunch of those.
Peter ! That's was the
last of out cash !
These ones have helium
in them, so they're
very light.
- You are unbelievable !
The last four days have
been a living hell !
Our baby is at home all
by himself yet of getting us home you've
managed to make things
worse at every turn !
A monkey would be a refreshing
step up from you.
A monkey would talk less.
Here's a little tip. If your instinct
tells you to do something, don't do it !
If your instinct tell you not to
do something, it's
probably the right thing to do !
You wanna hurt me ?
Go right ahead, if it makes you
feel any better.
I'm an easy target.
Yeah, you're right.
I talk too much.
I also listen too much.
Oh, I could be a cold-hearted
cynic like you.
But I don't like to hurt
people's feelings.
And you think what you want about me
I'm not changing.
I like... I like me.
My kids like me.
My friends like me.
'Cause I'm the real article.
What you see is what you get.
Movie references.
Guys, I found us a ride to
Quahog in the back of a truck, hurry !
Oh, thank God.
Come on, let's head home
before Stewie gets hurt.
Like Fuzzy bear when he
went to South Arabia.
Oh, it's good to worship Allah.
'Cause i used to worship Sama.
Wakka wakka !
I once know a guy who was so arab.
How arab was he ?
He was so arab that...
everybody liked him and
there was nothing funny
about him at all.
Stewie, can I see you in my
office for a second ?
Yeah, what's up Eric, everything ok ?
Yeah, just come to my office.
Stewie, Joanna says she
saw you sneaking food.
Whhaaaat ?
She said she saw you in
the back of the kitchen,
sneaking a fish sandwich.
Oh come on, dude !
Yes, okay, but the thing was
five minute past the throw up time.
Well, beat as it may, Joanna took these
pictures on her cellphone.
You're fired.
We're broke Ruppert.
I'm jobless, there's no food left.
I'm out of diapers and I'm
down to Meg's last hat.
We're doomed you know.
Let it be writing on my tombstone
that my life
was considerably better with my
family around.
And I didn't realized until it was
too late.
Mommy ! Daddy !
Chris ! Dog !
Brian ! They're home !
Oh mommy, thank God you're home !
Oh, Stewie my baby !
I promess with all my
heart that I'll never say or do
anything bad to you for the rest
of the evening.
By the way, I disable the V-chip
and I watched so much porn.
Oh, sweetie I'm so
glad you're alright.
Yeah, no thanks to Cleveland
and Quagmire.
What the hell happened to them ?
And now you're ready to enjoy
the full range
of exciting DirectTV program
in options.
And remember, for answers to any
questions you may have,
you can get consult
the unscreen help menu.
Or, twenty-four hours online system is
/help
So sit back,
and enjoy DirectTV.
Thanks for joining us.
Welcome to the direct TV help channel.
Your destination for getting
started with
your new direct TV system.
Did I tell you I'm getting a spin-off ?