Family Guy (1998–…): Season 7, Episode 14 - We Love You Conrad - full transcript

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

We now return to 19th
Century British Girls' Various Reactions

to Their Older Sister's Engagement, on PBS.



- Did you hear? I am to be married!
- Hooray!

When am I to find a gentleman to wed?

Well, I don't know why
anyone should want to marry.

Oh, Emily, a fortnight in town
will make you a match.

Yeah. Say that
after a fortnight in town, bitch.

Hey, everybody.
Look what came in the mail.

We got invitations to Jillian's wedding.

Jillian's wedding? She's getting married?

Wow, that's great!

Looks like she finally found someone
after dating that last loser.

- She dated someone after me?
- No. See how I set up my own joke?

You walked right into it, Brian!

Walk right in
Sit right down

Stewie's gonna make you the fool



Peter, here's your invite.
Chris, Meg, Stewie and me.

- Probably one more in there.
- No. Doesn't look like... Oh, yeah.

Here it is. Brian. Oh, no. Wait.

- It's for B. Ryan.
- Oh. Cool, Mrs. G.

Thanks for letting me stay here
the last couple of weeks.

I've enjoyed his company.

She invited everybody except me?
What the hell? We dated for six months!

Ouch. Well, Brian,
looks like you're the odd man out,

like a non-praying mantis.

Bless us, O Lord,
for these gifts we are about to receive.

Help us to be mindful
of all our blessings, and...

Brian, I'm filling out my RSVP card,

and I don't know whether I should
get the salmon or the Snausages.

- They're having Snausages?
- Yeah. It sounds like fun.

Big deal. I could care less
about going to that wedding.

Well, look on the bright side.

It frees you up
to go to Cleveland's barbecue.

- Cleveland's having a barbecue?
- Oh, boy, this is really awkward.

None of this is awkward!
I've moved on from Jillian!

I've dated plenty of other girls since her.

- I never do computer dating.
- Yeah. Me, neither.

So, you're 27?

Well, that picture was, you know,
it was posted a couple of years ago.

So, you're a golden retriever?

Well, it's a retriever mix
Esapeake Bay Bradoodle.

Well, where is that waitress?

Fine. If you're so over her,
we should all go out to dinner.

You, me, Jillian and her fianc?.
Unless you're uncomfortable.

I would have no problem with that.
I'd love to meet the fianc?.

Great. And I'm sure
DeShawn would love to meet you.

- DeShawn?
- Ah! His name's Derek!

But look at your face!

We now return to The Hills.

Justin Bobby
was supposed to be here already.

- Are you still going out with him?
- I guess so.

I hate how he pushes his bangs
out of his face with every word he says.

Order me a beer.
I have to find a spot for my motorcycle.

Hi, guys.

- Hi, Jillian.
- Oh, hey, Jillian.

Congratulations
on your upcoming nuptials.

Oh, are they showing? It's a really thin bra.

Peter, I came over to ask you something.

- Will you give me away at my wedding?
- Wow, sure! That'd be great!

Jillian, don't you want
your own father to give you away?

Lois, don't ruin this for me.
Don't ruin this like you ruined Kix cereal.

- Mmm. This Kix cereal is good-tasting.
- And it's good for you.

Nah!

My father can't give me away
'cause he's dead.

Well, then,
Peter would be happy to do the honors.

Plus, when's the next time
you're gonna get to give a bride away?

I know.
This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

You can give me away
when I get married, Dad.

Nah!

And for the gentlemen?

Yeah. Can I have this
third thing down, please?

Ah, very good, sir. And for you?

Excellent.

Wow, Derek,
that's pretty good French you speak there.

He also speaks Orange.

- Mandarin, honey.
- Mandolin.

- What luck, huh?
- Wow, sweetie! That was amazing!

I don't think I could do that again
in a million years.

I caught this piece.

- Oh, my God! Sir, are you all right?
- I don't know.

I actually just had elbow surgery.

I wasn't even supposed to come in
to work today.

Why would you trip me deliberately?

- I'm sorry.
- Dinner's going great.

You know,
I can probably help you with that elbow.

- Does that feel better?
- Yeah! It feels a lot better.

- Wow! You're the best man ever!
- Oh, hardly.

Excuse me. I'm just gonna use
the restroom really quick.

- I'll go with you.
- Oh, my God! Gay!

Shut up. He's obviously
some sort of Superman. I just...

I just need to know
if he has any shortcomings.

- It'll make me feel better.
- You are not even...

You're going in there to look...
That's even gayer.

Oh, come on!

And the worst thing is
that he's not even a douche.

He's a nice guy. I like him.

Oh, honey, that sounds awful.
I know what will cheer you up.

You want to scratch my pet rabbit, Steven,
on his nose with your index finger?

I like rabbits
'cause you can pull their ears back

and make them look like Asian people.

Give me "callot!" Give me a "rettuce!"

Can I have another bourbon, please?

Hey, Blondie. You wanna get together
with my dogwood?

- What?
- Dogwood? You know,

like Dogwood and Blondie,
like in the funnies?

- You mean Dagwood?
- Dagwood, that's what it is.

Hey, how about this one?

- You want to take a wizard on my id?
- You remind me of my step-dad.

Oh! Oh, Man!
What the hell did I do last night?

Good morning.

- Oh, my God! You're Lauren Conrad!
- Yeah.

- From The Hills!
- Yeah. You seem surprised.

No. No. It's just, I... I mean,
I probably had a lot to drink last night.

So if I did anything that might have
offended you, I'm sorry.

No, it's okay. I have a dog.

So I've had to cut poop
out of his fur before.

Oh! Oh, thanks.

Well, otherwise,
it was a fun night though, right?

So fun.

You know, I had a really fun night, Brian.

- You seem like a really cool guy.
- Yeah. Um...

Hey, you know, if you don't mind,
I'm sort of a low-profile kind of person.

So I'm gonna take off
before anybody gets the wrong idea here.

Hey! Brian, is that you...
Is that Lauren... My God...

I was shopping for hats...
Hang on. I'm coming over.

- Oh, no.
- Don't go anywhere. Stay right there.

- Who's that?
- It's just this jerk that goes to my school.

- You go to school?
- No. I just lied to you,

and I'm not really sure why.

Is this the longest light ever, or what?

Ah, there we go!

Oh, my God!
How do you two know each other?

- Uh, we actually just met.
- Well, I'm Stewie.

- I'm Lauren. It's good to meet you.
- I love the show.

Do you need a gay friend on the show?
A friend on the show?

Hey, you know what?
I'm actually on my way to go shoot now.

- Lf you want, you guys can tag along.
- Oh, I don't know if we have time.

Yes. We would love to.

Brian, don't wreck this for me.

Oh, my God! I have the perfect hat for this!

Listen, Lauren, I'm not super comfortable
being on camera.

Oh, relax. After a little while,
you'll forget they're even there.

What's everybody looking at?
The salesman told me it was unisex.

Hey, those people look familiar.

That's Heidi and Spencer.
I don't really talk to them.

Wow! Spencer does look like a monkey.

Spencer, I am so over your selfishness.

What do you want?
I came out to Hollywood.

I'm on camera all day,
and I turned my back on my own kind!

So, why don't you think before
you say things for a fucking change?

Look, there's Brody Jenner.
God, what a douchebag!

I can't believe
that came out of Bruce Jenner's vagina.

- Bruce Jenner is a man.
- No, Brian.

That's what the press would
have you believe, but he's not.

Bruce Jenner is a woman,
an elegant, beautiful, Dutch woman.

This is where they edit the show together.

Lauren, we got a rough cut
of next week's episode.

- Can you cue that up, Terry?
- Sure.

I need to be, like, fine to be alone.
And, like, not even want to date someone.

And then I know I'll be fine
to get into a relationship.

That's good.

- That's it? That was, like, five seconds.
- It's okay.

They fill the rest with shots of street signs
and fronts of restaurants

and old footage from The A-Team.

Hey, Brian.
Where were you last night, buddy?

Oh, I was... I was out.

I got a little wrecked after dinner,
and I didn't want to drive home.

Oh, yeah? Did you stay in town
or did you "head for the hills"?

Wait a minute! How the hell
do you guys know about that already?

It's all over the Internet. Look!

Does Lauren Conrad
have a new beau?

An anonymous source has the answers.

Oh, yeah. I know that guy.
His name's Brian Griffin,

and he definitely boned Lauren last night.

Great. Great. That's fantastic.

Well, I think it's wonderful
that you're dating such a classy,

well-educated girl like Lauren...

She's such an idiot, Brian!

She's such an idiot!

Yeah. You know something, Brian?

I bet you make the late-night monologues.

I mean, it's a little weird, isn't it?
This new Lauren Conrad relationship?

When asked about their sex life,

Brian was quoted as saying,
"Oh, yeah, we just do it me style. "

Have you seen the news
about Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin?

You know,
a lot of these young Hollywood girls

carry their little dogs around
in their purse.

But Lauren carries one in her vagina.

Yeah, so Lauren Conrad
and Brian Griffin are now a couple.

Apparently, she gave that dog a bone
and he gave it right back!

Look, I was drunk out of my mind.

I didn't know what I was doing.
It was a one-night thing.

I have no interest in dating
one of those shallow idiot celebrities

who's only famous for being famous.
I'm going over to let her down easy.

Hey, tell her I like her work in
Jake and the Fatman.

No, wait. That was William Conrad.

Tell her I like Jake and the Fatman.

- Can I help you?
- Yeah, I'm Brian.

I'm the guy all the comedians
have been talking about.

Lauren is in the back.

Just follow the music
and you will find her.

Thanks.

- Hi, Brian.
- Wow! Hi.

That's beautiful. What was that?

It's Mozart's
Violin Concerto Number One in B-Flat.

"Plato's Symposium. '"This yours?

- Oh, yeah.
- It's pretty worn out.

Yeah. I've read it, like, 100 times.

I find Aristophanes' quasi-satirical
origin myth

regarding the three genders
both fantastic and serious.

Yeah. That always cracked me up.

So, you read a lot, huh?

Yeah, but I try not to let it interfere
with my biomolecular research.

Biomolec... I don't understand.

Come on.
I'll show you what I did yesterday.

"It'll make you feel young
as when the world was new. "

- You did all this in a day?
- The matrix formed in a day.

The life-forms grew later
at a substantially accelerated rate.

Can I cook or can't I?

This doesn't make any sense.
If you're so smart, why do you hide it?

Come on, Brian. You know
America doesn't like smart people.

- They elected Bush twice.
- Yeah, once, but...

So this whole persona
is just a publicity stunt?

Publicity's what keeps
this franchise running, Brian.

We're even using state-of-the-art
computer animation

to create a fake sex tape
with me and Bill Cosby.

Now you will get ready
for the zim-zam and the babbity-bibbity.

And you will take off your clothes
like voo and voom!

And get ready for the most splendiferous
pudding pop you have ever seen!

All right, Jillian, since I'm giving you away
on your wedding day,

I want to make sure
it all goes off without a hitch.

Now, what are your thoughts
on a wedding singer?

I thought that maybe
I would just DJ the wedding myself.

I already made a playlist on this.

- A box of Junior Mints?
- This isn't an iPod?

- Your Junior Mints play MP3s?
- My iPod is chocolate?

Well, be that as it may, or not be that,

I was thinking
I could be your wedding singer.

- That's a great idea, Peter!
- Sweet!

And I promise you'll be able to understand
all the words,

not like Sting where you can
only understand the last three.

...up a brand new day

- So, did you break up with Lauren?
- No, I didn't.

As a matter of fact,
she's coming over for dinner tonight.

Say what?

Well, Lauren, it's a real pleasure
having you here for dinner.

Of course, I'm sure
this isn't as exciting as your usual cuisine.

You know, all that caviar
with the little silver spoons.

Actually, Mrs. Griffin,
caviar spoons are carved from bone.

They don't use metal because
it reacts chemically with the fish eggs

- and changes their taste.
- Oh! Well, that's fascinating.

You could have just complimented
the free food,

but one-upping me is another way to go.

- So, you know, guys...
- Bitch.

...Lauren just finished
a fascinating doctoral thesis

on suborbital propulsion mechanisms
that NASA is using

for the next generation of space shuttles.

- Ah!
- Ah!

So, Lauren, whenever I'm watching
your show, you give me a boner.

Where do we go from here?

Well, I could sign a picture for you.

Yeah, sure. That'd be fine. Thank you.

So, Lauren, do you and Paris Hilton
and Lindsay Lohan all hang out

and go drunk-driving together?

I heard that Lindsay Lohan
wasn't driving that night.

She was taking the rap for a friend.

Road hog!

Oh, no! I already have two strikes!

I'll take the wheel, Mister Magoo.

I'm too old to go to prison!
They'll rape me,

and I'll never see them coming.
No, I won't.

Well, Lauren and I had a great time today
at the art museum.

There was a special exhibition
of rare Monet paintings...

- Manet, honey.
- What?

It was actually the Manet exhibit.
Not Monet.

But no big deal.
People make that mistake all the time.

- Oh! Right.
- You know, I don't mean to be rude,

but do you have a more comfortable chair?
This one's really hurting my back.

Oh, my God!
Quagmire, you come out from under there!

I'm sorry, everybody.

I just wanted to meet her so bad.
I can't do anything right.

I'll go have a talk with him.

- Hey, buddy, where are all your pals?
- Playing baseball.

- Well, why aren't you playing with them?
- 'Cause I don't have a glove.

- Oh, yeah?
- Gee! Just for me? No fooling?

Nah, just kidding. It's mine.

- Oh!
- Yeah.

Oh, sweetie, dinner with your family
was so much fun tonight.

Yeah. I think they really liked you.

It was so cute
when you thought Manet was Monet.

Yeah. Yeah. That was a hoot.

Oh, hey, how are you liking that
unabridged history of Second World War

naval tactics in the Pacific Theater?

Oh, it's really interesting. I'm at the part

where they detail the account
of Admiral Halsey's victory at Midway.

- You mean Admiral Spruance, sweetie.
- Huh?

Well, Halsey was hospitalized
with psoriasis at the outset of the battle.

So Spruance, who, prior to June of 1941,
was primarily a desk admiral,

was charged with leading the naval fleet
at Midway against Japan.

A victory which surprised even his peers,

and, in fact, was a turning point for
the American naval forces in the Pacific.

No, yeah. That's the part I'm at.

Oh, my God. You're so cute when
you don't know what you're talking about.

Now, wait a minute.
What the hell does that mean?

- Are you saying I'm not smart?
- You don't have to be.

You're adorable, like those calendars
that have monkeys in clothes.

Look, why don't we talk about this
in the morning?

I want to finish that book.

Sweetie, since when do you wear
reading glasses?

What? These? I've had these forever.

- Honey, those aren't real.
- Sure, they are.

No, they're not. I can see
the little Austin Powers logo on the side.

What are you talking about?
These are my glasses.

Yeah, baby!

- All right, I can't do this!
- Can't do what?

I can't date someone
who's smarter than I am.

I feel like Jillian.

Oh!

- What? What, what, what? What is that?
- I think I get it.

This isn't about me
being smarter than you.

This is about you
still being in love with Jillian.

- How do you know that?
- Because I'm smarter than you, Brian.

Oh, my God! You're right.

You know, I thought I was over her,
but I'm not. I'm...

Somewhere along the line
she must have gotten under my skin.

I'm in love with her. I'm in love with Jillian.

How could I have been so myopic?

- Myopic.
- Thank you, Lauren!

My God, Lauren! What am I gonna do?
I'm still in love with Jillian.

Well, there's only one thing you can do,
Brian. Tell her how you feel.

What's the use? It's over. She's moved on.

Well, who knows?
Women are complex creatures, Brian.

Maybe she just needs to be reminded
how much she misses you.

And I know exactly how to do that, Brian.

She needs to see you
on the arm of a beautiful woman.

- What is this gonna do?
- It's gonna make her jealous.

- You out on the town with a hot date.
- How are you a hot date?

Whoa! You're angry at her, not me.
No wonder you're alone.

This isn't working at all.
She doesn't even know we're here.

She will, Brian. And she's gonna be upset
that your date is so into you.

Okay, ready? I've been reading up
on things that sound sexy.

Oh, Brian. I can't wait till after dinner,

'cause then we'll go home
and you can watch me have my period.

What the hell's wrong with you?
That's not sexy.

Hey, Brian. I just noticed you over here.

- Hi, I'm Jillian.
- Desiree. Charmed.

Well, I wish we could stay, but
we have quite an exciting evening planned.

Oh! Oh, yeah. Right.
We're really hitting the town.

- Yes. We're gonna douche the night away.
- Well, have fun.

You two are a really cute couple.

- Hey, Desiree.
- Oh! Hey, Lee.

Brian, this is Lee. Lee, this is Brian.

- I know Lee from Starbucks.
Hey, is that Desiree?

That's it.
I mean, I don't know what else I can do.

The wedding's tomorrow,

and she hasn't shown any signs
of leaving Derek.

I've completely run out of options.

Not quite, Brian.
There's still one thing you can do.

- What's that?
- Go for broke.

Just throw all your cards on the table
at once.

Show her that you love her
in a way she can't possibly ignore.

Hello? Oh, hey, Lee.

No, it's not a bad time.

Yeah, I still have those boots.

Well, maybe I'll wear them
and maybe I won't.

'"Love always protects, always trusts,

'"always hopes, always perseveres.

'"Love bears all things, believes all things...

'"... hopes all things, endures all things.

'"Love never ends. Love never fails. '"

Corinthians 13, verses 4 through 8.

Thank you. That was beautiful.

- And now, Jillian, do you take Derek...
- Wait!

Jillian, I'm in love with you.

I want you...
No, I need you with all my heart and soul.

And my only regret is that
I didn't realize it when we were together.

Those were the happiest days of my life,

and I want more of those days.

Please, Jillian, I love you.

- Will you please take me back?
- Brian, no.

You had your chance.
I mean, I thought you were my soul train,

but you didn't want me.

- Soul mate.
- Soul food?

I'm sorry, but I'm in love with Derek now.

- I see. And you really feel that way?
- Yeah.

I mean, he's everything I have,
especially since my mom died of cancer.

All right, party people.
Please clear the dance floor

for the bride and groom's first dance.

And here to sing a romantic ballad
is the one and only Sting.

...the fields of gold

Hey, buck up there, sport.
At least you gave it your all.

I guess you're right.
I still feel like crap, though.

Well, look at it this way.
You may have lost Jillian,

but you can at least be happy
that she's happy.

- Plus, you can always call Lauren.
- No. I can't.

- Why not?
- She's never gonna speak to me again.

I gave her worms.

English - US - SDH