Family Guy (1998–…): Season 7, Episode 13 - Stew-Roids - full transcript

(SINGING) It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

Oh, Joe, thank you so much for
inviting us to your barbecue.

Well, it's my pleasure, Lois.



Hey, can one of you other men
come over here

and comment on the meat
while I'm cooking it?

Yeah, I got it.

Yeah. Those are looking good.
Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

Yeah, don't flip them too often now.
You don't want to lose the juices.

Yeah. Yeah, coming along nicely.
Yeah, those are cooking just fine.

Scoop that one up and put it back down
in the exact same spot.

All right, they're done! Time to eat!

Oh, boy! I'm so hungry I could eat a horse.

I... uh... I misspoke.

(WHINNIES IN DISAPPOINTMENT)

Wow, Bonnie! You really took off
the baby weight quickly.

Oh, thanks, Lois.

Hey, do you mind rubbing
some of that sunblock on my back?



Of course, Bonnie.
Oh, but I don't want to get any on my shirt.

Mmm... That feels good.

- Um, you're going a little low there, Lois.
- (CHUCKLING) Okay. I'm sorry.

(SAWING)

QUAGMIRE: Giggity!

(SAWING CONTINUES)

Aw, Joe, Susie's such a cute baby.

Hey, whatever happened to your son,
Kevin?

- He died in Iraq.
- Sad.

"I won't let you walk out of here
without that dress."

"I don't know. Will I ever wear it?"
"Yes, you will.

"You've got that thing for the opening
of the library next week.

"It's perfect for that."

"Hey, everybody."
"Oh! Look. It's black Barbie.

"Why are you all alone?"
"Oh, they discontinued my boyfriend.

"Mom says I'm the one
whose hair it's okay to cut."

Hey! I was playing with that!

Hey, come back here!
All right. You asked for it.

(PUNCHES STRIKING)

Holy crap!

All right. Let's try that one again.

(GROANING)

(SOBBING IN PAIN)

Oh, my God! Stewie!

(CHUCKLES)
Your kid got beat up by a baby girl!

Oh, man! This is more painful to watch

than when Family Ties
does a Tina Yothers episode.

EL YSE: (ON TV)
Jennifer, what happened in school today?

JENNIFER: (ON TV) I got my period!

And I will see the Keaton family next week.

Okay now, sweetie.
This isn't gonna hurt at all.

(YELLS IN PAIN)

Those lying bastards
at Johnson & Johnson!

- We'll put, "No more tears" on the label.
- But it does make you cry.

I know.

(BOTH LAUGHING WICKEDLY)

(SINISTER MUSIC PLA YING)

Lois, you should just let
those wounds get infected.

It'll teach him a lesson about being tough.

Peter, he's just a baby.
You got to let this go.

My baby boy got beat up by a girl.

What was weird was that she was crying,

but the way she was standing over me
made it look like I was crying,

which was weird.

Peter, what exactly are you worried
is gonna happen because of this?

- World War V.
- Peter, we've been over this.

There has to be a World War III
and IV first.

Oh, no. Oh, no.
That's the beauty of World War V, Lois.

It's so intense it skips over the other two.

- Peter, it doesn't work...
- I have spoken!

(GASPS)

There's Connie D'Amico.
Chris, don't walk next to me.

Hi, Connie. Uh, so, I heard you talking
in the hall the other day

about how much you liked
High School Musical 2

- so I burned you the soundtrack.
- Okay. Prepare for itemized insults.

A. Don't ever listen to me talk.
You don't deserve my words.

B. When I said I enjoyed it,
I was speaking ironically.

And C.
You actually like High School Musical?

What are you? Eight? No, that's impossible

because I've seen that big hairy mudflap
ass of yours in the locker room.

- Questions?
- Hey, Meg. Take that!

(FARTS)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLING) That was awesome!

The joke's kind of on us
because we're smelling it.

JOCK 1: Yeah!
JOCK 2: Awesome!

JOCK 3: (LAUGHING) Way to go!
JOCK 4: (LAUGHING) Sweet!

(SCOFFS) Scott is such an idiot.
I'm totally breaking up with him.

I'm gonna switch to
one of the other popular guys.

But, Connie, you've gone out with,
like, every popular boy in this school.

(SIGHS) Yeah, you're right.
God, they all suck so much.

I need a new challenge. What if...
Wait. Now, bear with me on this.

What if I date a loser
and make him over into a popular guy?

Wow! Great idea! I'm glad I hung in there!

Now, who are the biggest losers
in this school?

- Well, there's Smiley McGee.
- Hello.

CONNIE: Nah. I hear he's a bed-wetter.

- GINA: And Chris Griffin.
- Oh, my God! I can smell him from here.

- He's perfect.
- God, you're right.

He smells like Fred Flintstone's ass.

Hey! No one's asking you to smell it!

All right, Stewie. Your dad's gonna
help you learn how to be a man.

Real men have a couple of beers and then
project their inadequacies on their kids.

- Okay.
- What's that?

- You think you're better than me?
- What? No. I didn't say that.

So I guess you think you would have
been some kind of big shot by my age, huh?

Done things differently?
Gotten that promotion?

- I don't even know what you do.
- Well, let me tell you something!

You're nothing,
and you're never gonna be nothing!

Now, let's sit here and watch Spike TV.

TVANNOUNCER:
Spike TV, full of stuff men like.

(TIRES SQUEALING)

(PUNCHING)

(TOILETFLUSHING)

(FARTING)

(GUN SHOTFIRED)

(WOMAN MOANS)

TVANNOUNCER:
Yeah, that stuff.

Wow, my favorite.
PB and J with the crusts cut off.

- What did you get?
- Your crusts.

- That's it?
- No.

I also got an orange peel
and a picture of Mom eating a turkey leg.

(GASPS)

Oh, my God! Connie's coming over
to talk to me! Sit up straight!

- Hey, Meg, nice posture. Get lost.
- Thank you.

Chris Griffin, you are undoubtedly
the most unpopular boy in school.

I am?
What about Smiley McGee over there?

Hello.

You and I are going on a date
Saturday night.

- Um... Okay.
- I'll see you then.

Why would she go out with me?

She must be more drunk than Santa Claus
when he got that DUI.

(SLURRING) No, no. It wasn't my fault.
Some guy in a Plymouth totally cut me off.

- Sir, they don't make Plymouths anymore.
- Are you Jewish?

Sir, I'm gonna need you to
step out of the sleigh.

All right, Stewie.
We're gonna get you nice and pumped up.

Now, you see that barbell over there?
Go ahead and try and lift that.

(GRUNTING)

Uh-oh, spadoodios.

I notice your kid is having some trouble.

- You're telling me.
- Oh, your kid just needs a little help.

I got something that'll get him going.

Well, if there's anyone I can trust,

it's a stranger at the gym
holding a dirty needle.

- Here, Stewie. Try this.
- What the hell are you...

(EX CLAIMING) Oh, my! Suddenly I'm full
of energy! All right, fat man! Let's do this!

(ENERGETIC MUSIC PLA YING)

- Wow, Stewie! You look like a new man.
- Well, will you look at me?

I have the power!

(SINGING) He-Man

TVANNOUNCER: We now return to
Lady and the Tramp and Michael Vick.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLA YING)

(DOGS WHIMPERING)

Hello, family.

(GRUNTS)

Does anyone need the remote?

Oh, my God!
What the hell happened to Stewie?

Yeah, looks good. Doesn't he?

Let's see that little dyke, Susie Swanson,
beat him up now.

Wait a minute.
How do you know she's gay?

Short haircut, stubby legs,
doesn't respond to my advances.

You haven't answered my question!

- Why the hell does Stewie look like this?
- Well, I took him to the gym,

and the colorful gent there advised me
that I put him on steroids.

And you listened to him?

Yeah. I believe everything
everyone tells me anywhere.

(EX CLAIMS)

What's going on, B minus?

- What's the haps?
- Stewie, you look gross.

You look like Lou Ferrigno's poop.

I look like a guy
who's been hitting the gym.

It has nothing to do with the gym.
You're on drugs.

Doesn't matter how you find
the pot of gold, B to the Ryan.

All that matters
is that you beat the leprechauns.

That doesn't make any sense.

It doesn't have to make sense
when you look like this!

(GRUNTS)

I am hotter than phone sex
with a blind girl.

- You sound hot. What are you wearing?
- I don't know.

DJ ON RADIO: Classic rock 103.7, WHGT.

I hate this station.

They always make promises
they can't deliver.

DJ ON RADIO: Playing the greatest
rock-and-roll hits of all time!

(WE BUILT THIS CITYPLAYING)

- See?
- Chris, turn that off.

We have a lot of work to do
before we go inside.

(RADIO SWITCHING OFF)

All right. If I'm gonna be seen with you,
we have to do something about that look.

Now, take that hat off.

(BAT SCREECHING)

Oh, God! Your hair's all combed.
Here. Let me fix that.

All right, good. Now let's give you
a pencil-thin douchebag beard.

Oh, heavens! I look like a rake.

No, you look like you don't care,
and that's good.

Oh. Okay.

Um, if we're dating, does that mean
when we go in there I can hold your hand?

Good idea.
Then everyone will think you're popular.

Well, I don't really care about that.

I want to hold your hand 'cause I like you.

I don't understand.

Well, I think you're nice,
and I like spending time with you.

You're really pretty, and I hope
I get to be with you for a long time.

Wow.

Um...

No guy has ever said anything
that nice to me before.

Well, maybe you've been hanging
around with jerks.

Yeah, maybe I have.

Hey, forget the pep rally.
You want to go see a movie?

Cool. Maybe we could go see

that Chazz Palminteri/Paul Sorvino movie,
Distracting Trumpet.

I want to thank you all
for coming out here today.

We got a serious situation
down in the Bronx.

(TRUMPET PLAYING SLOW SONG)

Our friend needs to get a message
to the short man in the hat.

(TRUMPET PLAYING LOUDER)

(SHOUTING)
He needs to deliver this message

before the construction-site contracts
are handed down.

(TRUMPET PLAYING LOUDER)

It's of vital importance
that these matters be attended to!

So we may have to bring in our friend
from Yonkers!

(SHOUTS) What?

I said we may have to bring in our friend
from Yonkers!

- Hey, what the hell?
- What, what, what?

Is there a problem? Huh? You want to go?

- You want to go?
- Go? What are you talking about?

I'm talking about go.
That's what I'm talking about!

- First one's on the house!
- I got things to do.

- Where do you think you're going?
- I'm going downstairs.

- There's a toll in the hall now, 10 bucks.
- Look, can I...

Uh!

- I just...
- Uh!

- Stewie...
- Uh!

- Look...
- Uh!

- Come on...
- Uh!

- I...
- Uh!

- Just...
- Uh!

- You...
- Uh!

- This is...
- Uh!

- Can I...
- Uh!

Ah! I was just messing with you, man!
You can do whatever you want.

I was just kidding you.
Why are you so serious?

All right, Chrissy. Here we go.

(GIRL 1 GASPS)

BOY 1: Look!
BOY 2: Oh, my God!

BOY 3: Is that Chris Griffin
with Connie D'Amico?

BOY 4: I think it is!

GIRL 2: Wow! That makes him popular.

JOCK 1: Hey, Griffin!
JOCK 2: Griff-a!

Griff-amano!

(GRUNTING GIBBERISH)

Wow! The jocks have never said hello
to me before.

- Hi, you guys.
- Hey, Chris, after school today,

we're gonna go to the pizza place

and make that single mother
who works there feel like a slut.

She's really sweet and struggling
to raise a family. It's gonna be great!

Wow! You did it, Connie.
Chris Griffin is popular!

- So are you gonna dump him now?
- No, Gina. I'm not.

- You're not?
- No. There's something about him.

He's not like the other guys.
I actually really like him.

- You do?
- Yeah.

In fact, I'm going to his house for dinner
tonight so I can meet his parents.

Wow! Connie D'Amico
is coming to my house for dinner!

I just hope Dad doesn't embarrass us

like he did when that one-legged guy
came over.

All right. Well, if you like movie trivia,
I got one that'll stump you. Ahh...

Of course you're probably not really
into tibia... Trivia! Ahh...

Boy! That global warming, huh?

They say we lost a foot of snow
last winter... Ahh...

Hey, how about another beer?
I bet you like the taste of hops... Ahh...

You only have one leg, sir.

Connie, it's so nice to meet you.

We're so excited that Chris is finally
bringing a girl home for dinner.

It's really nice to meet you too,
Mrs. Griffin.

Um, do you mind if I ask
what's up with your baby?

- I'm gonna go work out.
- Again? That's, like, the eighth time today.

I'm not satisfied until every vein
is forced up against my skin.

Look how vascular I am, Brian.

If there's one thing women love,
it's a vascular man.

(SINGING) I've got veins

They carry blood all over my body

That's how John Mayer would say it,
"body."

I'm really into him now.
You better be okay with it!

Well, to answer your question, Connie,
apparently, I'm married to a man

who thinks it's okay
to inject an infant with steroids.

Wait, Lois. Knock it off for a sec.
Connie, you are really pretty.

I mean, you have filled out
something whacky.

Oh! Thanks, Mr. Griffin.

- I like what you're doing with your boobs.
- Dad!

So, Connie,
now that you're dating my brother,

maybe we can hang out, you know?

Hey! After dinner,
you want to come up to my room

- and give each other makeovers?
- I don't use makeup, Meg.

Of course you don't. You're all natural.

Man, your dad must be proud!

Actually, my dad passed away
four years ago.

Yeah, yeah, he did. He sure did.
You gonna shower before dessert?

Greggy! Fitzy!

T-Bone! Gaggaboo!

- Nazi guy!
- Griff-a!

Hey, we're totally stoked
for your party this weekend!

(CHUCKLING) You know it, brother.
It's gonna be awesome.

But keep it on the down low
so the spazoids don't catch wind.

(LAUGHS)

- (GRUNTS) Speaking of spazoids.
- Wow!

Can you believe it, Connie?

You and I are going to be
at the same party this weekend!

This is so cool!

Hey, what are you wearing, so I make sure
I don't wear the same thing?

- Um, you're not invited, Meg.
- What?

- But it's at my house.
- Uh, Connie, let me handle this.

I'm sorry, Meg. You can't come.

There's an ass-to-boob ratio
that you're way off of.

Hey, Chris, come on!

Let's corner the nerds and call them gay
and make them show us their penises!

- (CHUCKLES) Won't that be gay of them?
- (LAUGHING) Yeah!

(LAUGHING) That is grotacular!

JOCK 1: Way to go, man.
CHRIS: Awesome, bro.

(ROCKMUSIC PLA YING)

Man! Our boy Chris
partying with the cool kids.

I am a very proud dad right now.
And look at that Connie.

Jesus Christ! I bet that thing's so tight
you've gotta call the city to get in there.

(SOBBING)

Meg, sweetheart, why don't you
just go downstairs and join the party?

I wasn't invited!

I hate Chris! He's such a jerk!

Oh, look, honey. He's just a little confused
about who he is right now.

I'm sure deep down
he still loves his big sister.

I hate my school! I hate everyone!
I hate my life!

(SIGHS) Okay, look, Meg.
I've been at this for 45 minutes.

I don't know what else I can say.

Here's a Sylvia Plath book
and a bottle of Ambien.

I'm gonna look the other way,
and whatever happens happens.

MAN ON STEREO: (SINGING) Party music

Party song

Does not attract attention

Suggests a good time

- Gina, have you seen Chris?
- Yeah. He's over there.

(GIRLS MOANING)

(GASPS)

Chris! What are you doing?

- Getting scraped to death by my zipper.
- You bastard!

How the hell can you be cheating on me?
I'm the one who made you popular!

(CHUCKLES) No, Connie. Beating up
that Jewish kid made me popular.

Come on, girls!
Let's go upstairs and make out!

(CONNIE GRUNTS)

Oh, no! Connie's been hurt!

I guess I should lie on top of her
to keep her warm.

What are you looking at? It's a cartoon!

Chris, I can't believe
you dissed Connie at your party.

- That was awesome!
- Yeah.

I heard about it when I was
making that gay nerd spoon with me.

- Hey, guys. Room for one more?
- I don't think so.

JOCK 1: (COUGHING) Loser.

JOCK 2: (COUGHING) Reject!

JOCK 3: (COUGHING)
Everyone's gay but me.

My God! He's practically ruined me.

I've created a monster.
Meg, we've got to do something.

We? Are you kidding?

Do you really think
I would help you out in any way

- after everything you've done to me?
- What are you talking about?

You see this, Connie?

This is from when you called me
"sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade.

This one is from when you made
a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year.

You want my help?
You can go fuck yourself!

CHRIS: Hey, Meg! Think fast!
MEG: Ah!

- CHRIS: (CHUCKLES) Loser!
- All right, let's do it.

When we're done with him,
he'll be more of an outcast

than a seagull at an Adam Sandler movie.

This is my old bicycle that I had
from when I was 10.

(SEAGULL SQUAWKING LAUGH)

Sometimes the banana seat
hurts my heinie.

(SEAGULL SQUAWKING LAUGH)

- Will you shut up?
- You shut up, man! It's a comedy!

ADAM SANDLER: When I ring the bell,
it makes my pants feel funny.

Ring, ring, ring.

(SEAGULL SQUAWKING LAUGH)

Ah! Another day of being huge.
Good morning, guns of...

(GASPING) Oh, no! What's happening?

I'll tell you what's happening.
Your steroids have worn off.

You're weak like everyone else.

And guess what?
There's a toll in the hall now.

- Stay away from me! Stay away from me!
- Stewie, no!

(ROCKYAND BULLWINKLE
THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(IMITATING ROCKY) And now
here's something we hope you'll really like.

(CROWD CHATTERING)

Settle down, everyone.
Okay. Let's get this assembly started.

Is everything set, Meg?

Once Chris gets up there,
my friend in the A/V Department

- will take care of everything.
- Okay, Meg. Remember our deal.

I do this for you,
and I have your permission

to think about you later tonight
when I'm in the tub.

- Fine, Neil.
- Awesome!

I might even go leftie tonight,
stranger in the tub.

Before we begin, Chris Griffin
has an announcement for the cool kids.

Yeah, hey, guys.

The meeting of the Cool Kids Club
will be at 3:15,

leaning up against Tim Breckner's SUV
in the parking lot.

(ROCKMUSIC PLA YING ON SCREEN)

(SINGING) Would you fuck me?

I'd fuck me

I'd fuck me so hard

Hey, Chris. What's that?
Did you sit on something?

(MUTTERING GIBBERISH)

(ALL LAUGHING)

- Chris Griffin's a freak!
- What a loser!

I'm gay, all right?

Oh! Come on. It's me, Griff-a!

You don't get to talk like that anymore!

Connie, the person who humiliated you
has himself been humiliated.

By the rules of high school,
you are now popular again.

- Well, we did it, Connie.
- Thanks for your help, Meg.

There's no chance
we're gonna be friends now, is there?

Absolutely not.

Can I at least think about you
in the tub later?

- No!
- I'm still gonna.

- Well, Chris, you must feel ridiculous.
- I do, Dad.

And, Meg, I'm really sorry
I was such a douche.

Well, there is a way
you can make it up to me.

- How?
- Tell me what it was like

being one of them.

It was like basking in the warm glow
of a higher intelligence

as it envelops you and allows you
to become part of its everlasting glory.

I flew today.

English - US - SDH