Family Guy (1998–…): Season 6, Episode 4 - Stewie Kills Lois - full transcript

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

- Happy birthday, Mom.
- Oh, thank you, everybody.

I know it's a little self-centered,
but this is my favorite day of the year.



Here, Mom, this is from me and Meg.

- Topol? The smoker's tooth polish?
- Take the hint.

Happy birthday, sweetheart.

Lionel Richie's Can't Slow Down?

Great album, Lois. Great album.

I didn't know who I was
until I heard this album.

Oh, God, Lionel. You have been hurt.

You have been hurt by somebody,
that much is clear.

Who hurt you? Who hurt you?
Who hurt you?

Who hurt you? Who hurt you?

Oh, thank you all so much.
What thoughtful gifts.

Lois, there's one more.

Oh, Brian, you don't have to
give me anything.

Oh. Well, give it back, then.



No. No, we have fun.

Oh, my God. Two tickets for a cruise.
Brian, this is wonderful.

- What the hell?
- Dick.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. What is this?
We agreed on a $20 limit.

We set a cap, you jerk.

Are you trying to make us look bad,
you son of a bitch?

Peter, what are you angry about?
You get to go on a cruise with me.

- What?
- What?

Well, yeah, you didn't think Brian meant
for me to go with him, did you?

Great. This was a bigger waste of time
than Ringo's songwriting.

- Hey, guys. I wrote a song.
- Oh, that's great.

- Good, Ringo.
- Fantastic.

You know what?
I'm gonna put it right here.

Right on the refrigerator.
That way, we'll get to see it every day.

All right.

Now, you kids behave yourselves
while we're away.

Yeah, be good till we get back,
and, Brian, stay out of the cat box.

Stay out of the cat box.

- Bye, you guys.
- Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad.

Farewell, Brian. I'm off to sea.

An hour from now,
I'll be surrounded by seamen.

Sperm whales and seamen.

A swallow.

Stewie, Peter and Lois aren't taking you
with them. They've already boarded.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

No. No, you can't leave, not without me.
I'm the baby.

I haven't been this disappointed
since I saw The Lake House.

See, the mailbox is like a time portal.

Everything Keanu Reeves puts in there,
Sandra Bullock gets two years later.

What the fuck?

Peter, what do you say
we go get some lunch?

Not yet, Lois. I've been watching
this woman for three hours

waiting for her to turn over.

Peter, she knows she untied her bikini.
Women don't forget those things.

Well, will you go over there

- and pour a cold drink on her back?
- No.

Will you go over there behind her

- and yell, "Fire drill"?
- No.

Will you go over there
and lift her shoulder a little,

- so I can see her nipple?
- All right, fine.

What a slut.

I'm sorry,
but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to bar you

from the aft section of the ship
for the rest of the cruise.

We are so sorry.

Peter, what the hell did you think
you were doing?

Lois, it is called the "poop deck."
That is why I pooped there.

- You're disgusting.
- And you're misleading.

- Boy, this is romantic, isn't it, Lois?
- Oh, it sure is, sweetie.

I feel like that fat-ass British girl
from Titanic.

- What girl?
- The lead in Titanic,

the one opposite Leonardo DiCaprio.

- Sweetheart, that was a guy.
- What?

That was a guy.
That was Philip Seymour Hoffman.

What? No, it wasn't.

Yes, it was, honey.
It was Philip Seymour Hoffman.

Look at you out here, on a big trip.

- What are you doing?
- I'll teach that hussy

to go on a boat ride without me.

When she returns,
I'm going to put bamboo splinters

under all her fingernails.

Then I'm gonna strip her down
and tie her to the bed.

- Okay.
- Then I'm gonna make her crawl

on her hands and knees while I drip
hot candle wax all over her back.

- And then what are you gonna do?
- Let's see...

Are you gonna shower her off
after all that candle wax?

- No, I'm gonna keep her filthy.
- Yeah, she's been a bad girl.

And then I'm gonna gag her
with her own underwear.

- What?
- No, no, nothing, nothing.

That's all part of your diabolical plan
to humiliate her.

Yes, yes, she'll be humiliated.

Maybe you'll handcuff her?
She'll hate that.

- Then I shall do that as well.
- And call her a bitch.

Until I'm hoarse with rage.

Maybe smack her ass with a riding crop
and watch her go to town on herself?

Yes, and then... What?

No, I mean, that would like...
That would show her.

What the hell does the second part
have to do with that?

No, man, it's your thing. I mean,
I don't care if one hand is on her boob

and the other hand is down there.
It's your... It's your project.

Are you... You're getting some kind
of sick, sexual thrill off this, aren't you?

Who cares?
You're not gonna kill her anyway.

You're gonna bitch and moan, and then
you're gonna do what you always do.

The minute Lois walks through that door,
you're gonna forget all about it,

beg for your apple juice,
go poop and fall asleep.

God, he's right.

I've got the same daily routine
as Dick Clark.

Rupert, I've been all talk.
So much time wasted.

Well, no longer. Lois is a dead woman.

I'll do to her
what douche bags did to the guitar.

This is a song I wrote last summer.
It's called Water.

My hair is growing

Growing all the time

Look how sensitive I am

'Cause my voice is so fine

Every beer I've ever had
is on a shelf above my bed

And sometimes, I put my speakers
facing out my window

Peter, stop picking your teeth.
We're at the Captain's table.

And that was the first time
I saw the northern lights at their peak.

And as I gazed,
astonished at their lustrous brilliance,

I turned to my first mate and I said,

"We are looking
into the very eyes of God."

- What a wonderful story.
- All right, I got one for you.

So, me and Lois are driving up to Vermont
to get this abortion...

- Peter!
- Hang on, hang on, Lois. Don't ruin it.

All right.
So, we're driving up to get this abortion,

and we get to the abortion clinic,
and the abortionist has one hand.

The abortionist has one hand.
Missing hand on the abortionist.

And we're there to get an abortion.

- Peter, for God's...
- I'll tell it. I'll tell it.

So I turned to Lois and I says,
"You want to get an abortion here?

"You want to get an abortion with
the abortionist having a stump hand?"

And she says, " An abortion here?

"Are you kidding me?
The abortionist's got one hand.

"How do you abort with one hand?"

And I says, " That's what I just said.
The abortionist has one hand.

"We can't get an abortion here."

So we turned around and went home
and two-and-a-half months later,

our daughter, Meg, was born.

Okay, explain to me
exactly what I did wrong.

Peter, that story
was completely inappropriate.

Well, send me the crap to hell

for being nostalgic
about the early years of our marriage.

You've totally ruined this trip for me.

I am mortified to even show my face
around this ship.

Hey, the Captain's the one
who should be embarrassed.

- His story was gay.
- You're gay.

Pleasuring a man with a socked foot,
one time, does not make a person gay.

Hello, Mother.

Stewie? What the hell are you...
How did you get here?

Oh, there's a very simple answer to that.
You drove me here, Lois.

With all the indignities I've been forced
to suffer day in and day out

under your matriarchal tyranny.

What are you...
What are you doing with a gun?

Something I should've done
a very long time ago.

I did it! I killed her! She's dead!

Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
Oh, yeah, that's right.

And finally, still no word
on the disappearance of Lois Griffin,

housewife and mother from Quahog,

who vanished from a cruise ship
six days ago.

Well, folks, that's the news,
and I am out of here.

Daddy, she's been missing so long.
Do you think they'll ever find her?

- God, I hope so, Meg.
- Oh, yes, I'm sure they'll find her.

This is fantastic.
Nobody suspects a thing.

Listen to my voice. That sounds cool.

Hello.

Pigs in Space.

Hi, Peter. Can I talk to you in the kitchen
for a second?

What is it, Joe?
Please tell me Lois is alive.

It's been six days, Peter.
I'm sorry, but we had to call off the search.

I'm afraid you're just gonna have
to accept the fact that...

She's gone.

No!

We now return to

Harrison Ford Telling Random People
He Wants His Family Back.

- I want my family back.
- Okay.

- Give me back my family.
- Get off me.

I want my family back.

- Hey, where've you been?
- I had another date.

You know, I'm glad
you're finally putting yourself out there.

- Lois would've wanted you to move on.
- Yeah, only this one was kind of awkward.

So, I'm a Leo and your ad said
that you're a Cancer?

No, actually, it said I have cancer.

Not cancer of the vagina, is it?
Here, have some more wine.

Then, there was that date I had
with that stick figure.

So, how would this work in bed?

Well, I can't do sex,
but I can give you a stick job.

- That... That sounds...
- Yes, it is very unpleasant.

But the freakiest
was that date I had with Bonnie.

Peter, you don't know
how badly I need this.

I don't know, Bonnie.
It's just a little weird.

Joe's a friend of mine.

No, it's okay.
I promise you, it's okay.

I'm not sure.

It's okay, Peter.

Just remember, whatever you do,
don't tell Chris I'm dating.

Peter, Lois has been dead for a whole year.
You're gonna have to tell him sometime.

Hi, Dad. Did we get any mail from Mom
at the health spa today?

Nope. Sorry, Chris.

She said she's going straight from the spa
right back to Europe.

But I haven't seen Mom since she took me
back-to-school shopping.

All right, sweetie,
you ready to get some new notebooks,

and protractors and slacks?

- I want blue jeans.
- You're getting slacks!

Here you go, Stewie. Finish your oatmeal,

and then I'll get you ready
for our Mommy and Me class.

You know, Meg has really flourished
since Lois was murdered.

What are you talking about?
Lois' death was an accident.

Which is just what someone
who pulled off the perfect murder

would want you to think.

What the hell are you... Stewie, did you...

Did you kill Lois?

Of course, I didn't, Brian.
Remember what you said?

I'm all talk.
I wouldn't possibly go through with it.

- I'll just poop and fall asleep.
- My God, you did it. You actually did it.

Oh, God.
I've really screwed myself up here.

Listen, could you reach into my pocket

and get the number
for that acupuncturist?

You son of a bitch. You killed Lois!

Good luck proving that, Brian.
No, seriously, that number...

Well, I'm gonna expose you
for what you are.

No matter what it takes,
you are gonna pay for this.

You know, it's funny. From this position,
I can hear Meg up in her room.

I'm gonna pretend
you're the New York Knicks.

Hey, put your wallets away, guys.
The drinks are on me.

Well, that's awful nice, Peter.
What's the occasion?

Lois' life insurance policy paid off.

I've got more money
than Barbra Streisand.

Honey, I'm going shopping.

And I was gonna valet park.

I didn't know that you had life insurance
on Lois.

- Did you get that right before the cruise?
- Actually, I got it on the cruise.

Right after we had that big fight
when I said, "I wish you were dead,"

right before I never saw her again.

Well, see you guys later.
I got to go buy hot dogs.

We keep running out for some reason.

Either of you guys think
it's a little suspicious

that Peter took out a life insurance policy
on Lois right before she went missing?

- You don't think...
- That fat bastard murdered her, didn't he?

That son of a bitch.
He's a killer, like Bernie Goetz.

You know, the subway vigilante
from the '80s?

I used to do a bit about him back
when I was doing stand up.

What else is in the news? Oh, oh, oh,
Bernie Goetz, you hear about this?

This guy Bernie Goetz shot
a bunch of muggers on the subway.

Wouldn't mind having him with me
next time I go see my mother-in-law.

No, but really,
New York City's a great place to live,

if you're a cockroach.

- You suck!
- I know.

Hey, Stewie, I found this receipt for
a speedboat rental upstairs in your room.

It's dated about a year ago.
Any idea how it got there?

Someone who rented a speedboat
must've left it there.

Uh-huh.

Well, you can play innocent all you want.

I am gonna find the evidence
to put you away,

starting by proving
that you were on that cruise ship

the night Lois disappeared.

No, I wasn't.
I was at the carnival with Rupert.

The carnival with Rupert.

We won! We won! Do it again.
Now I want a pink one.

Stewie, we've been playing
for half an hour.

Oh, okay. You want to go ride
the tea bags? Tea cups?

Tea bags?

I was hoping to keep
these mementos, Rupert,

but I can't risk it,
with the dog sniffing around for evidence.

Damn! What the hell are they doing here?

What are we looking for, Joe?

Well, the trail is pretty cold by now,

but if Peter did kill Lois,
we might find some clues in his garbage.

Man, I haven't dug through these cans
since Lois died.

Can't believe it's been 12 months
since I've deliberately choked myself

by stuffing her discarded makeup sponges
down my throat.

What's wrong with you?

Oh, my God.

That does look like Peter's handwriting.

There's no doubt anymore.
Peter murdered his wife.

This is fantastic!
I'm completely off the hook.

What the hell?

Hey, little man.
Tell Chris to open his window?

Just around the corner
There's a rainbow in the sky

So let's have another cup o' coffee
And let's have another piece o'pie!

Joe, what the hell is going on?

You're a suspect in Lois' murder,
that's what's going on.

Don't make us go good cop,
developmentally disabled cop on you.

We know that you killed Lois.

Hello?

No.

We can put you at the scene

where she was killed.

Hobey's right, Peter.
It doesn't look good for you.

Joe, you got this all wrong.

Like God did,
when he made Rosie O'Donnell.

- You can't put a vagina on this man.
- Why not? I'm God.

Well, what do you want to do
about the breasts?

Take a couple out of the bin
we can't find matches for.

I... I can't believe Dad killed Mom.

Look, there he is. Dad, how could you?

Hey, Dad, if they put you in jail,
can we go in your room?

Look, don't you kids buy any of this
for a second. Your father is innocent.

Oh, he killed her.

Just like the telephone killed
the telegraph sex business.

Hey, baby. I bet you're hot. Stop.

Describe to me what you're doing
to yourself right now. Stop.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, nasty!

This trial is called to order.

Defense counsel,
we will hear your opening statement.

Hey, everybody. Today's the big day.
That's all, Your Honor.

- Good. Good.
- Prosecutor, call your first witness.

Peter called me right after
he killed my daughter

- to tell me he killed my daughter.
- Really? Well, that is interesting.

Yes, and as a favor to the court,

I've produced this simulation
of how the killing transpired.

I play Peter, and I hired an Asian hooker
to play my daughter.

Lois, I'm fat and I'm stupid,
and I fart at times

that ruin my father-in-law's
social occasions,

- and that's why I'm never invited to them.
- You pay me now?

That's how it happened.
And that Lois was no saint, either.

Said she'd give me an over-under
for 60 bucks. Got gipped.

Chris, have you ever seen your father
do anything bad?

Well, now that you mention it...

Hey, Meg. Proud of you.

Has your father ever killed anyone
that you know of?

Well, once by accident
when he was in the military.

All right. You all know your orders.

When you see the Taliban
come over the horizon,

you open fire immediately.

Okay, so when I see Pat Tillman
come over the horizon, I shoot him.

No, no, no. When you see the enemy
come over the horizon,

- you shoot the enemy.
- Okay.

Good, now repeat it back to me.

Okay, I shoot Pat Tillman,
then run over the horizon.

No. He's on our side!
You charge the enemy...

- Right, and shoot Pat Tillman.
- No, no, no, no!

Well, you know what? You're gonna
have to explain it to me again,

'cause it sounds to me
like I'm repeating back to you

exactly what you're telling me,

and obviously,
you're hearing something different,

so just one more time.

Okay, when you see the Taliban
come over the horizon, you shoot them.

All right, so I shoot Pat Tillman,
and then run when the Taliban show up.

No, you shoot the Taliban!
Not Pat Tillman. Got it?

- Got it.
- You sure?

- Yep.
- All right.

Hey, you know
where I can find Pat Tillman?

- Mr. Griffin, do you deny killing your wife?
- Of course I deny it. I loved my wife.

And I certainly think
I'd remember killing her.

Mr. Griffin, do you drink?

I plead the fifth of Jack.

No, no, I'm joking. Yes, I drink.

- And have you ever struck your wife?
- Only in front of the kids

to assert my status
as dominant male of the pride.

- Are you a violent man?
- What are you, a wise guy?

'Cause I know how to deal with wise guys.

- No further questions.
- You son of a bitch.

If I had a gun on a boat, I'd shoot you.

Mr. Foreman, how say you?

We find Peter Griffin guilty of murder
in the first degree.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, no.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, no.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yeah.

Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop
saying "oh, no" in this courtroom?

'Cause the fucking Kool-Aid guy's
gonna keep showing up. Thank you.

Mr. Griffin, I hereby sentence you
to life imprisonment

with no possibility of...

Lois. You're alive.

- Mom, you're alive!
- Oh, my gosh. Mom!

Lois, my God, what happened?
We thought you were dead.

Mom, we thought Dad killed you.

No, he didn't, Chris, but someone tried to.

- Do you remember who it was?
- Yes, I do. It was Stewie.