Family Guy (1998–…): Season 6, Episode 3 - Believe It or Not, Joe's Walking on Air - full transcript

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

We now return to

Homosexual Gynecologist.



Okay, Mrs. Robinson, let's take a look.

Ew!

It looks like a sad, old man.

Hey, check it out, you guys.
I got a new cell phone that takes pictures.

Look, look, I took a picture of Lois' poo.

She should've handed out cigars
after that one.

That's hilarious.
You should e-mail that to me.

Hey, did you guys see the game last night?

- Oh, yeah.
- That offensive line is outstanding.

Yeah, you should e-mail me that picture.

- Hey, boys.
- What the hell are you guys doing here?

We just decided
to have a little girls' night out.

Yeah. You guys talk about this place
all the time. We figured we'd give it a try.

Bernice, we haven't really been dating
long enough



for you to be hanging out
with my friends' wives.

- Shut up, Cleveland!
- Okay.

Check it out, girls. Jukebox, huh?
Hey, you guys want to dance?

- Yeah, totally.
- Hell, yeah.

Oh, my God, this sucks.

The Clam's the only place we got
to get away from the women.

This is a bigger disaster
than Jack Black's last movie.

We now return
to Jack Black in The Unconventional Butler.

Edgar, could you bring me some tea?

Yeah! Yeah!

Wait a minute. Butlers are supposed to be
fancy and well-mannered.

This guy's screaming
and waving his arms around.

You're an old man.
You don't understand the young people.

You're right. I'll change from now on.

Oh, my God, that was so much fun.

You know, boys,
we just might make this our regular spot.

Peter? Peter?

Yeah, I'm sorry, Joe. I just had
one of my Scrubs fantasy moments.

It's the best show you're not watching.

I hate shows that cut away from the story
for some bullshit.

Fellas, our way of life is being threatened,
and we got to do something about it.

- Couldn't we just ask the women to leave?
- No, no.

I got something way more expensive
and time-consuming in mind.

Well, men,
the Quahog Men's Club is complete.

It took six weeks and cost $8,000,
but it was worth it.

Peter, I wish you'd get rid of this thing.
It's an absolute eyesore.

What do you care, Lois?

You girls got The Clam.
We got the Quahog Men's Club.

- Besides, we're not hurting anybody.
- What are you talking about?

You ripped a whole chunk of wall
out of the house.

What is this?
There's something wrong with the house.

I don't like change!

Peter, you can't just slap together
flimsy structures in the yard.

Why not? Herbert did it.

Y-M-C-A

It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A

All right, Peter, this is a tough one.
All right, are you ready for this? Okay.

Would you have sex with Cleveland

if it meant you could have sex
with Angelina Jolie?

Uh...

- Yeah. Yeah, I'd probably do it.
- Hang on, hang on.

Missionary,
and you have to look him in the eye.

No closing your eyes
and pretending it's somebody else.

- I think, still, yes.
- Thank you, Peter.

All right, here's another one.
Who would you rather have sex with?

A very pregnant Gina Gershon,
or Jenny McCarthy after a car accident?

Oh, hey, hang on, hang on. Look,
you know, I know this is a men's club,

but why does it always have to be
about sex?

Okay, look, how about this?
How about this?

Who would you rather start
a small business with?

Janet Reno, after a safari,
or the fat guy from My Name is Earl.

- That still sounds like a sex question.
- It is not.

Well, then what the hell does "safari"
have to do with it?

- What's the guy from Earl's credit rating?
- Six fifty-one.

- That's not bad.
- Better than mine.

Does he have an idea,
or do I have to come up with it myself?

He's got an idea, but it's not quite there.

I'd have to give it to Janet Reno,
'cause I've always had this business plan

for home delivery
of prescription medications,

and that seems like it's more her market.

This is stupid.
I want to talk about vaginas!

Well, I'd say the Men's Club
inaugural ball is a huge success.

Hey, guys, let's play a party game.
Let's go stand over near Brian,

and we'll take a drink
every time he says "bonerific".

- "Bonerific"?
- Yeah, it's his catch phrase.

He says it all the time.

- Yeah, sure. I'm in.
- Okay.

Yeah, let's do it.

- Hey, hey, Brian, how you feeling tonight?
- Good. Having a nice time.

Are you feeling terrific,
or any variation on that word?

Oh, sure. No complaints.
My skin's a little dry.

He's not saying it, Peter.

What?

No. Why would I say that?
It's not even a word.

- What isn't a word?
- "Bonerific."

Didn't I tell you?
You can't keep this guy from saying it.

Boy, great party, huh, Fred?

Yeah. You know, Barn,
I figured I ought to tell you this.

I was walking by your house the other day,

and I poked my head in the window,
and Betty was undressing.

Now, she saw me there,
but she didn't stop.

- What?
- She didn't stop.

I mean, she saw me there, looking at her,
and she kept undressing.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you serious?
- Yeah. I got an erection.

I've got a headache.
Do you have any Anacin?

- Any what? "Anacin"?
- Yeah, Anacin.

- Do they even make Anacin anymore?
- Yeah, it's still around. Why?

No, it just seems like
sort of a '70s medication.

- So you don't have any Anacin?
- No.

God, you're more worthless
than Colin Farrell.

So, you got the wool cap on, huh? Yeah.

Yeah, I guess. You know, whatever.
It's 96 degrees out.

Better put on the old wool cap. Yeah.

Got a lot going on under there,
under the wool cap?

Thinking about your sideburns?

Yeah. No, no, no, no.
You're not a complete jackass, yeah.

Oh, hey, nice T-shirt.
"Phresh", and it's spelled with a "P-H".

Oh, that's fun,
'cause it's usually spelled with an "F".

Yeah. Oh, and you got a little tear
on your pants, there.

Oh, that's on purpose, though, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah, you're a bad boy.
You're a bad boy.

Society wants your pants to be intact,
but you're just not gonna listen, are you?

My God, this is ridiculous. I'm sorry.
I'm gonna have to kill you.

All right, one more pre-party drink,
and then we'll head off to The Clam.

It's cheaper to drink at your house first.

Boy, they sure are making
a lot of noise out there.

Those idiots have done nothing
but hang out in that stupid shed

for the last two days.

- We should crash that party.
- Hey, you know what? Bernice is right.

They're always trying to get away from us.

We should march in there
and remind them that they have wives.

Especially if they have food,
because bar food is so overpriced.

Man, who invited Anne Frank?

Quagmire, tell that story about the girl
with the inside-out anus.

- Oh, you mean Blossom?
- Oh, that's a great story.

All right, so I'm skulking around
the intensive care unit

and all of a sudden
this smoking hot chick...

- Hey, boys. Mind if we join the party?
- Sorry, Lois, no girls allowed.

Oh, come on, Peter.
It'd be good to have some chicks in here.

Quagmire, are you nuts?
This is a men's club.

There's the problem. The ratio be terrible.
It's a total mast-fest in here.

- You know, I kind of agree.
- Yeah, this is sort of lame.

Well, we can fix that.
Come on, girls, let's dance.

Hey, hey, hey, stop it.
You women can't dance in here.

Well, I know two people
who'll take my side on this.

The stuffy parents from Dirty Dancing.
Right, guys?

Sorry, Peter. Even we're getting into it.

What's the matter, Bonnie?
Don't you want to dance?

Oh, it's okay, Joe.
I don't mind sitting here with you.

What I mean is,
I don't want to hold you back.

Don't be silly, honey.

It's just as nice
watching other people have fun.

God, I hate being handicapped.

Sometimes, I feel more useless
than the head of the maid's union.

And what exactly are your demands?

- We need more Lemon Pledge.
- You need more Lemon Pledge?

- Yes.
- We're not responsible for that.

You should just bring it
from your own home.

No.

Hello? Oh, hi, Lois.
Yeah, last night was fun.

Oh, it's okay. I'm used to not dancing.

I mean, I knew what to expect
after, you know, Joe's accident,

and I'm prepared
to live the rest of my life this way.

Poor Bonnie.
She deserves so much better than me.

God, she must regret this marriage.

If only there was some way
for me to walk again.

Wait a minute, what am I saying?

There's nothing wrong with me.
I'm no different than any other guy.

Joe, would you put on your hand shoes
and take out the garbage?

Thank you.

Hey, thanks for coming with me, Peter.

It sure would be wonderful
if Dr. Hartman could help me walk again.

I'm sorry, Mayor McCheese,

but I'm not sure
if any cosmetic surgery is even possible.

- Look, if it's a financial issue...
- No, it's not an issue of money.

Your head is a cheeseburger.

There's no blood flow to it.
It's just... It's just dead cow meat.

All right. Well, I appreciate
you giving it to me straight.

All right, then. Have a tasty afternoon.

Ah, there's a smile.

- So, what can I do for you, Mr. Swanson?
- Doc, I can't take it anymore.

I want to walk again.
I'll do whatever it takes.

Well, there is
a highly experimental new procedure.

It's essentially a leg transplant.

If you'd be willing to sign a waiver,
I think I may be able to help you.

You know, when you talk,
you sound a lot like my father-in-law,

- Carter Pewterschmidt.
- Oh, that's funny. He's a patient of mine.

- Here's my urine sample, Doctor.
- Thank you, Mr. Pewterschmidt.

- Hi, Peter.
- You know, Peter says we sound alike.

Really? I don't hear it.

- Actually, I think I do hear it now.
- Really?

Yeah, you know, we've never really had
any extended interaction,

- so I've never noticed it.
- Hey, I think I hear it, too.

Seems lazy, doesn't it?

Well, there's only so many voices
in the world,

some of them are bound to be similar.

Now, Mr. Swanson,
through the magic of digital imaging,

we'll select the legs most suited
to your body from our inventory of donors.

- Hey, what about these?
- Good choice.

These are the only ones we have in stock
that aren't hilarious.

- I'll take them.
- Joe, you are gonna be happier

than bullfrogs on vacation in Ethiopia.

This is fantastic.

This is even better than
they said it was in the brochure.

Oh, yeah. I feel like a pig,
but, come on, we're on vacation.

Exactly. Don't hate yourself.
We're on vacation, right?

Yeah.
I hear Madonna's raising this guy's kid.

Now, just relax, Mr. Swanson,
and let the anesthetic do its job.

- All right, Doc, I trust you.
- Good.

Now, I'll just pop in the how-to video,
and we'll get started.

What?

Hi, I'm Jamie Farr,
and you're about to perform leg surgery.

- First off, what's your name?
- Dr. Hartman.

Great name, but I'm gonna call you '"pal'".

No!

He's been in there an awful long time.
I hope everything's all right.

My Joe's a fighter. He'll come out of this.

Gentlemen, I give you
the new Joe Swanson.

- Well, what do you think?
- Wow!

- You look great, Joe. Holy crap!
- That's fantastic!

They still got that new leg smell.

I put his old legs in a bag,
if you want them.

Oh, great. You know, we'll take 'em home.
We'll give 'em to Brian.

- Come on, Joe. I'll drive you home.
- Are you kidding?

I've got working legs
for the first time in 15 years,

and I'm gonna use them.
I'm walking home.

I'm sorry, Mr. Swanson, hospital rules.
You have to leave in a wheelchair.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Get some!
Get some! Yeah! Sex! Sex! Sex!

- Oh, Joe, that was amazing.
- I know. I was there.

My God, we haven't done it in so long.
I'd forgotten how big you were.

I was gonna say the same thing to you.

Coming this fall on Fox,
a new reality show,

Who Wants to Marry Corky
from "Life Goes On"?

You won't believe what happened.

- Come on, guys, let's go!
- Go? Where are we going?

Listen, these new legs
have given me my life back.

I want to do all the things I could never do
when I was handicapped.

And you guys are my best friends.
I want you to experience it all with me.

You can count on us, Joe.

Hey, what'd you do
with your old wheelchair?

I gave it away.

Whee!

My tulips! You dick.

Oh, this is great. I feel so alive.
Come on, ladies.

Kick your high heels off and get moving.
You guys are a disgrace.

- Peter, this doesn't seem safe.
- Yeah, I'm afraid I might...

- Wow, thanks, Spider-Man.
- Everybody gets one. Tell him, Peter.

- Apparently, everybody gets one.
- Bingo.

- I don't know about this, Joe.
- There is no fear in this dojo!

- Joe, we don't even know what a dojo is.
- There is no mercy in this dojo!

- Joe, why don't you take it down a notch?
- No mercy!

All right, we're gonna do it once more.

And this time, no mistakes.
One, two, three, four.

Good morning
Good morning

It's great to stay up late

Good morning
Good morning to you

When the band began to play
The stars were shining bright

But now the milkman's on his way
It's too late to say goodnight

So say good morning

Good morning
Sunbeams will soon smile through

Good morning
Good morning to you

Nothing could be grander
than to be in Louisiana

In the morning
In the...

Oh, I'm sorry,
I thought we were still going.

My God, Joe is running us ragged.

Yeah, I haven't been this exhausted
since I had that job

as Jack?e Harry's
personal grocery shopper.

A pallet? Am I reading this right?

You need " a pallet
of chocolate-covered pretzels"?

Where the hell am I supposed to...
And what is this? "A drum of grape jam"?

Is that... What is that...

Is that, like, a drum, like, they ship oil in?
Is that...

And look at this one,
"A desk of Cheez-lts."

A desk? Where were you getting
these units of measurement from?

- Mary...
- That is still funny.

Okay. You stay right here, big funny gal.

I'll be right back with
"a hammock of cake."

Yeah, Dave Matthews Live.
I'll burn you a copy. Stay cool.

- Hey, Joe, what you got there?
- Mountain bike.

Joe, I don't know.
I'm still chafed from that power walk.

Both of my inner thighs
look like those big cherry Swedish Fish.

Don't worry. I'm not taking you pansies.
I'm taking my new friends.

This is Parker, Quentin, and Portland.

- Is Portland the black one?
- Portland is the black one.

Joe, what the hell is this?

Well, Peter,
I realized over the last few days

the only reason I hung out with you guys
is that I was crippled and you were lazy.

I decided it's time I got some friends
more suited to my status.

But, Joe, we've been friends for years.

Hey, we all make mistakes.
Come on, dudes, let's go exercise.

- Exercise!
- Yeah!

I'm gonna do sit-ups till I crap myself.

I can't believe it. Joe just dumped us.
He's gone.

And all we've got to remember him by
are his old legs.

Okay, okay.

Peter, I wish you'd go over there
and patch things up with Joe.

Hey, screw him, Lois.

He doesn't need us anymore,
now that he's got his cool, new friends.

I tell you, those legs have turned him
into a complete jerk.

It's like giving a monkey
the keys to an amusement park.

- How is that?
- How is what?

How is it anything like a monkey
having the keys to an amusement park?

I don't know. The hours would be erratic.

Maintenance would probably suffer
to some degree.

The prizes for games of chance
would all be bananas.

Lois, don't call me on this stuff, all right?
Just go with it.

Support me in these moments.
I'm hurt. I lost my buddy.

Well, Peter, there have been
a lot of changes in Joe's life,

and maybe he just needed to move on.

If I were you, I'd look for a new friend.

A kindred spirit,
like Judas found in Pontius Pilate.

You know, sometimes,
I feel like someone should just

- crucify Jesus of Nazareth.
- Crucify Jesus of Nazareth.

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!

- Shut up.
- No, you shut up.

- I'm Judas.
- Pontius.

This is so weird,
because just today I was thinking

about how I wanted to find the son of God
and nail him to some wood.

- Well, let's go find him and kick his ass.
- That sounds swell.

I think I'll go for a walk outside now

The summer sun's calling my name

So, do you really think you're suited to be

the fourth guy in our group,
Buzz Killington?

Yeah, I mean, we mainly just sit here
in the booth and crack jokes,

but you're kind of a buzz kill.

Oh, on the contrary.
I've quite a mastery of the humorous yarn.

Do any of you know the tale
of how cornmeal came to be?

- No.
- No.

- Uh-uh. No.
- Neither did the miller

when he left his house that morning.

We got to get Joe back.

Joe, please, can't we talk about this?

There's nothing to talk about.
I've outgrown you, Bonnie.

I need to spread my legs and fly.

Keep the kid.

Joe, what the hell? You're leaving Bonnie?

Out of my way, Peter!

Me and my new friends
are gonna go surf-gliding

and try to somehow work
a mountain bike in there.

You've changed, Joe,
like I did when I went through puberty.

Hey, you guys feel like
playing some baseball?

Excuse me, I'm gonna go masturbate.

And then the bastard
completely blew me off

to hang out with those new douche bags.

- Peter, we got to do something.
- You're right, Cleveland.

Boys, there's only one answer.
We got to re-cripple Joe.

It's the right thing to do,
like taking out Hitler.

See? We had a plan for that all along.

Bye, new awesome friends.

- Bonnie, I forgot my Soloflex.
- Yo, Joe.

What the hell are you doing here, pansy?

- We're gonna break your legs, Joe.
- It's for your own good.

Come on, guys, get him!

All right, then.

Bonnie. What the hell? Put my gun down.

Not until I have my husband back!

My perfect ass!

Oh, I'm sorry, Joe.
I was aiming for your spine.

- Damn it!
- Joe, I'm so sorry. I'm a terrible shot.

For God's sake, just give me the gun.
I'll do it myself.

Boy, we really did a number on each other.

You know, I just want to take
this opportunity to apologize to you guys.

I was acting like a first-class jackass.
I hope that you can forgive me.

Oh, it's just good to have our old Joe back.

And once our injuries heal up,
we can all go for a nice, long walk.

All right! Yeah!

Wait a minute...

Joke's on you