Family Guy (1998–…): Season 5, Episode 16 - No Chris Left Behind - full transcript
After being expelled for having the lowest average standardized test score, Chris is accepted into a snobby private school, forcing the family to struggle to pay the tuition.
Family Guy
No Chris Left Behind
Synchronisation : Tezman
Adjustment : Fogia
Transcript : Raceman
We now return
to How I Met Your Father.
Oh, Barney, I'm never going to meet
the right girl and get married.
You know, Ted, don't you think
it's kinda strange for a guy in his 20s
to always be talking about getting
married rather than getting laid?
Barney,
I'm in love with you.
Suit up.
All right, come on, everyone.
Go get dressed. It's ballet night.
Lois, don't freakin'
put me through this again.
Peter, a little culture
is good for this family.
Besides, you liked
The Nutcracker, didn't you?
No, Lois, I did not.
The Nutcracker
had zero physical comedy.
And with a name like
The Nutcracker I thought,
"Oh, this will be worth
a few yuks," but no, Lois,
that title wrote a check that those
queers on stage refused to cash.
Peter, we're going.
Well, we're not the first people
to be dragged off against our will.
- Are we there yet?
- No!
- Are we there yet?
- No!
Are we there yet?
Damn it! I swear to God
I will turn this ship around!
- That works. - It'll teach us a lesson.
- Yeah, that's even better.
All right, if that's what you...
Wait a minute!
You know, Meg, female ballet dancers
are famous for anorexia and bulimia.
And, uh, it seems
to work out for them, so...
hintity, hint-hint.
Boy, this is gonna be long.
So, uh, you kids develop any good
pot connections at your school yet?
- What? - Yeah.
- Ah.
Lois, we'll be right back.
Meg's gonna take me outside to poop.
Hello.
Hey, Quagmire.
Hey, Peter, what's up?
I'm stuck at the stupid ballet.
Get out of here. You serious?
- Yeah.
- So am I.
What?
Yeah, I got dragged here
by this broad I'm trying to screw.
Where you sitting?
Look across at the other
balcony. I can see you.
Oh, my God! What do we do?!
What do we do?! We're both here.
Oh, my God! We should text each other!
Hang up! Hang up!
Chris, how many times have I told you
no reading during meals?
I have a history test today, Mom,
and I couldn't study last night
because you made us go to the ballet.
Well, Chris, you're not gonna learn any history from this.
This textbook is from 1948.
- What?
- Chapter 3:
"Youth culture rebels with
Big Band music."
Let me see that.
"Israel, the brand-new country
everyone's gonna love."
What the hell? Are the schools
so underfunded
that they can't afford text books
from this century?
Well, I am going to raise hell about this
at the next PTA meeting.
Well, let me know if you need help.
I can be very persuasive.
I gave the next speech after
the Braveheart guy.
They can take our lives,
but they can never take
our freedom!
And... and...
Let's not forget the tax
they levied on properties
that are in abutment of church lands.
So, yeah, let's do it.
All right, let's get
this meeting underway.
For our first order of business,
we'll go to Bruce.
Well, hey, y'all said my name.
Welcome to our meeting
here at the school.
We got lots of exciting
topics here tonight.
We gonna have a puppet show.
We gonna have some jazz.
No, I'm just kidding.
We have some business
to take care of, though.
I'm sorry I pulled y'all's legs.
I'm just a little excited
'cause I met somebody today.
Someone in the bookstore.
Someone who likes the same
kind of literature as I do.
Oh, and the adventure begins again.
Excuse me, Principal Shepherd
There's something I'd like to discuss.
The school has gone too far
with these budget cuts.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Griffin,
but the "No Child Left Behind" law
cost us our federal funding because
our students' test scores were too low.
They cut a school's funding
if it's got low test scores?
This is not what the founding
fathers had in mind.
Okay, we're here to sign
this declaration of our independence.
Let's take roll call first.
- Thomas Jefferson?
- Here.
- Benjamin Franklin.
- Here.
- John Footpenis?
- It's Hancock now.
- Why?
- Mind your business. That's why.
Well, somehow this school needs
to raise its test scores right away.
I suppose there is one thing I can do
to raise the school's test average.
Then do it.
All right, we'll drop
the dumbest student we have:
Chris Griffin is hereby expelled.
But if I leave now,
I won't hear who's the dumbest kid in the school.
Cool, I don't have to go to school.
I can just pee in my bed all day.
Chris, being expelled is a serious thing.
Peter, we've got to find
another school for him.
I say, I could home-school him.
After all, I taught Cleveland how to make Jiffy Pop.
So do you think your school
would be right for Chris?
Oh, absolutely.
Quahog School
for the Deaf has great programs,
both academic and athletic.
In fact, you're just in time
for our homecoming pep rally.
What are we gonna do to Lincoln?!
Kill them!
I can't hear you!
Kill them!
I can't hear you!
Kill them!
I can't hear you!
Kill them!
I can't hear you!
Kill them!
Let's just go.
Welcome to the Quahog
Maritime School, Chris.
Our curriculum consists of being on boats
for long periods of time with men,
just men for many days at a time.
Up on the deck with lots of men
or down in the galley with lots of men.
Is this some kind of pirate school?
Well, a certain kind of pirate.
Yes, we've been called that.
I don't know.
Is there some kind of preschool program?
You know, I have to admit I've always
been a little worried about Chris, but
I guess I just convinced myself
things would work out for him,
but with no education, what kind
of future can he possibly have?
What are we supposed to do, Lois?
I mean, it's not like the high school
will take him back.
And every other school
we've tried just doesn't...
Oh, crap!
My son got into DeVry.
Ah, good.
What'd he have to do,open the door?
Can't you let me have anything?
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Hang on. Hang on.
What are we fighting about?
You know, I have completely forgotten.
- Me, too.
- Something about a coupon. It's all...
- I cannot for the life of me remember.
- Oh, my God, that's ridiculous.
You know what?
I-I just... I hope I didn't hurt you.
No, no, no.
I... I'm all right. I'm all right..
But listen, you know what?
Let me make it up to you.
Why don't you let my wife and
I take you out to dinner?
Well, that sounds lovely.
Uh, that was delicious.
You know, I drive
by this place all the time
and I've never been inside;
isn't that funny?
Y-Yeah, you know, Nicole and I
came here by accident.
W-We had reservations at another place
and they... right, right, honey?
Yeah, they couldn't seat us for like
an hour, so we ended up coming here
- and we just loved it.
- Loved it.
I can see why. I mean,
th-that halibut was...
that, may have been the best
halibut I've ever had.
Well, glad we talked you out
of the pork chops, huh?
Yes! Thank you!
Oh, oh, oh, lemme, lemme,let me...
I-I'll get that.
Oh, no, no, no,no, no, I got it.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm taking care of this.
No, no, no, your money's
no good here.
My food was more expensive.
I feel bad. If I...
We invited you. I've got this.
- Look, just let goof the check, huh.
- You let go of the check.
- I'm not taking my hand off this thing.
- Well, neither am I.
Let go of the check.
- Ernie, if he wants to...
- Stay out of this!
Don't you talk to my wife like that!
Oh, yeah?
What are you gonna do about it?
Sorry.
And every other school we've tried just
doesn't seem to be a good fit for Chris.
Well, there is one other option.
Daddy, there's something
I need you to do for me.
Chris got expelled from
James Woods High, and,
well, I was wondering if you could get him
into that fancy boarding school you went to.
You want me to get Chris
into Morningwood Academy?
It would mean so much to our family.
All right, I'll pull some strings
on one condition:
I want Peter to do something
really humiliating.
Well, what did you have in mind?
He has to shoot and starin' a shot-for-shot
remake of Liar, Liar for my amusement.
Do you know why I stopped you?
I didn't fasten my seat belt.
I didn't look in my rear view mirror.
I didn't signal when I pulled away
from the curb. I almost hit a Chevy.
I changed lanes in the intersection
without signaling.
I changed lanes while running
a red light and speeding!
Well, Chris, here we are.
Wow, this school is really nice.
Boy, a degree from here
would set you up with any job you wanted.
Yes, I should attend this institution.
Perhaps one day I could be more powerful
than King Friday.
I am the supreme ruler of the
Neighborhood of Make Believe.
All will kneel before my...
What kind of freakin' king lives
next to the train tracks?
What is this, Mexico?
Hi. Is this room 214?
Oh, you must be our new dorm mate.
I'm Rogers Chapstick,
heir to the Chapstick fortune.
And this is Virgil MasterCard,
heir to the MasterCard fortune.
Oh, yes, yes,how do you do, sirrrr?
And this is James Bottomtooth, IV.
- Uh... I'm Chris.
- Let me get those bags for you. Johann?
Um, oh, dear. Johann tells me your
luggage is the luggage of the poor.
Well... I am poor.
Oh.
Oh, I see.
What the...?
This school is not for your kind!
Why?!
I still don't fully understand!
...and that was the third time
I slept with Katherine Harris.
Well, I love her politics,
but how is she in bed?
Well, as anyone in Florida will tell you,
she knows how to rig an erection.
One time I picked my nose and I swear
I could feel the bottom of my eye.
- Shut up, poor kid.
- No, I'm serious. Look!
So, Chris, how's the new school?
It's awful. I hate it!
Everybody's mean to me because I'm not rich.
Oh, no, Chris, that's horrible.
All right, look,I'll tell you what.
I'll call Daddy and I'll see
if there's anything he can do.
Well, that's enough fun for one day.
I'm sweating more than a non-legacy
applying to Yale.
Where am I?
Grandpa?
What are you doing here?
Chris, welcome to the
Skull and Bones Society.
This is where the most powerful men in
the world are groomed for their futures.
Every president, every CEO,
every douchebag named Ryan Seacrest.
The Skull and Bones Society
has been a part of my family for decades,
and we want you to become a member.
Really? Wow, cool!
Excellent. You get your
own stock portfolio,
a percentage of the 9/11 Victims' Fund,
And the best medical care on the planet.
You'll be kept as healthy as a horse.
- So, how's that leg doing?
- Great. Great. Never better.
Good. Why don't you try putting
some weight on it?
Eh, sure.
Yes! Yes!
Oh, that's good.
That feels good.
Very strong.
Sorry, Thunder, I gotta put you down.
How's your leg, huh?!
How's your leg?! You ready to race?!
We now return to Japanese Girls
Think Small Versions of Things
Are Really Cute.
Oh, look at my tiny dog.
I'm gonna put it in my tiny purse.
Tiny phone!
Tiny everything!
Peter, have you seen this tuition bill?
Morningwood Academy
is charging us $30,000.
Well, looks like we're all gonna
have to take second jobs.
I guess I'll see if I can get my old gig back
selling buttscratchers at the ballpark.
Buttscratcher! Buttscratcher!
Get your buttscratcher here!
- Buttscratcher!
- Buttscratcher.
- Buttscratcher!
- Buttscratcher!
Buttscratcher!
- Buttscratcher!
- Buttscratcher!
Chris, come here. You'll love this.
The first Thursday of every month
we go to a local orphanage, pick out
a kid, fill out all the paperwork
and then don't take him home.
It's hilarious.
That sounds kind of cruel.
No, no, you'll love it.It's great.
Come on. Come on in.
Your family's waiting in here.
There are toys. And a puppy.
And food that's not served
from warming trays.
Come on.You gotta want it.
Ah, you gotta do better than that.
Okay, I guess you don't want a new
family, toys, and a puppy.
Hi, everybody, I'm home.
- Hi, Chris.
- Hello.Hey, how are you?
Well, tell us everything,sweetie.
How's school going so far?
It's great, Mom.
I got powerful connections now,
thanks to Grandpa.
Chris, I'd give you a hug, but I'm exhausted from
working two jobs to pay your tuition.
I've been selling buttscratchers.
- Buttscratcher!
- No, Peter.
- Buttscratcher!
- Peter, no.
- Buttscratcher!
- No!
Buttscratcher...
Dad, you...
You got an extra job just
to put me through school?
We all did, Chris.
Meg and I have been working nights.
I'll take the one on the right.
Well, once again, Meg, I'll be back in an hour.
And I got a job following fat people
around with a tuba.
Stop it.
Cut it out
I have a glandular problem.
That'll be $60.
You wanted to see me, Grandpa?
Yes, Chris.
Your pledge period is over.
The Skull and Bones elders
are now ready to admit you to our ranks.
As is customary with all our new members,
you now have to spend seven minutes in
the closet with our most senior member.
We don't start the clock until the door closes.
You know, Grandpa, I don't think
I want to go through with it.
We all had to do it, Chris.
Now get in there.
No, I mean,
I think I want to go back to my old school.
My family's working so hard to pay
my tuition here, and I feel bad.
Is there any way you can get me back
into James Woods High?
Well, I suppose I could
pull some strings
if that's really what you want, Chris.
It is.
All right,consider it done.
Thanks, Grandpa.
Sorry, Master Herbert.
Sorry? You better get your
ass in that closet, Pewterschmidt.
Yes, sir.
I am so tired of you.
Ah, it's good to have you back, buddy.
Thanks, Dad.
I didn't really fit in there anyway.
The rooms were only 15x20.
If I didn't learn to laugh at myself,
I'd be dead right now.
Why don't you take your stuff up
to your room, Chris?
Okay, Mom.
Cut it out.
I'm just trying to live my life.
No one taught me about carbs.
No Chris Left Behind
Synchronisation : Tezman
Adjustment : Fogia
Transcript : Raceman
We now return
to How I Met Your Father.
Oh, Barney, I'm never going to meet
the right girl and get married.
You know, Ted, don't you think
it's kinda strange for a guy in his 20s
to always be talking about getting
married rather than getting laid?
Barney,
I'm in love with you.
Suit up.
All right, come on, everyone.
Go get dressed. It's ballet night.
Lois, don't freakin'
put me through this again.
Peter, a little culture
is good for this family.
Besides, you liked
The Nutcracker, didn't you?
No, Lois, I did not.
The Nutcracker
had zero physical comedy.
And with a name like
The Nutcracker I thought,
"Oh, this will be worth
a few yuks," but no, Lois,
that title wrote a check that those
queers on stage refused to cash.
Peter, we're going.
Well, we're not the first people
to be dragged off against our will.
- Are we there yet?
- No!
- Are we there yet?
- No!
Are we there yet?
Damn it! I swear to God
I will turn this ship around!
- That works. - It'll teach us a lesson.
- Yeah, that's even better.
All right, if that's what you...
Wait a minute!
You know, Meg, female ballet dancers
are famous for anorexia and bulimia.
And, uh, it seems
to work out for them, so...
hintity, hint-hint.
Boy, this is gonna be long.
So, uh, you kids develop any good
pot connections at your school yet?
- What? - Yeah.
- Ah.
Lois, we'll be right back.
Meg's gonna take me outside to poop.
Hello.
Hey, Quagmire.
Hey, Peter, what's up?
I'm stuck at the stupid ballet.
Get out of here. You serious?
- Yeah.
- So am I.
What?
Yeah, I got dragged here
by this broad I'm trying to screw.
Where you sitting?
Look across at the other
balcony. I can see you.
Oh, my God! What do we do?!
What do we do?! We're both here.
Oh, my God! We should text each other!
Hang up! Hang up!
Chris, how many times have I told you
no reading during meals?
I have a history test today, Mom,
and I couldn't study last night
because you made us go to the ballet.
Well, Chris, you're not gonna learn any history from this.
This textbook is from 1948.
- What?
- Chapter 3:
"Youth culture rebels with
Big Band music."
Let me see that.
"Israel, the brand-new country
everyone's gonna love."
What the hell? Are the schools
so underfunded
that they can't afford text books
from this century?
Well, I am going to raise hell about this
at the next PTA meeting.
Well, let me know if you need help.
I can be very persuasive.
I gave the next speech after
the Braveheart guy.
They can take our lives,
but they can never take
our freedom!
And... and...
Let's not forget the tax
they levied on properties
that are in abutment of church lands.
So, yeah, let's do it.
All right, let's get
this meeting underway.
For our first order of business,
we'll go to Bruce.
Well, hey, y'all said my name.
Welcome to our meeting
here at the school.
We got lots of exciting
topics here tonight.
We gonna have a puppet show.
We gonna have some jazz.
No, I'm just kidding.
We have some business
to take care of, though.
I'm sorry I pulled y'all's legs.
I'm just a little excited
'cause I met somebody today.
Someone in the bookstore.
Someone who likes the same
kind of literature as I do.
Oh, and the adventure begins again.
Excuse me, Principal Shepherd
There's something I'd like to discuss.
The school has gone too far
with these budget cuts.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Griffin,
but the "No Child Left Behind" law
cost us our federal funding because
our students' test scores were too low.
They cut a school's funding
if it's got low test scores?
This is not what the founding
fathers had in mind.
Okay, we're here to sign
this declaration of our independence.
Let's take roll call first.
- Thomas Jefferson?
- Here.
- Benjamin Franklin.
- Here.
- John Footpenis?
- It's Hancock now.
- Why?
- Mind your business. That's why.
Well, somehow this school needs
to raise its test scores right away.
I suppose there is one thing I can do
to raise the school's test average.
Then do it.
All right, we'll drop
the dumbest student we have:
Chris Griffin is hereby expelled.
But if I leave now,
I won't hear who's the dumbest kid in the school.
Cool, I don't have to go to school.
I can just pee in my bed all day.
Chris, being expelled is a serious thing.
Peter, we've got to find
another school for him.
I say, I could home-school him.
After all, I taught Cleveland how to make Jiffy Pop.
So do you think your school
would be right for Chris?
Oh, absolutely.
Quahog School
for the Deaf has great programs,
both academic and athletic.
In fact, you're just in time
for our homecoming pep rally.
What are we gonna do to Lincoln?!
Kill them!
I can't hear you!
Kill them!
I can't hear you!
Kill them!
I can't hear you!
Kill them!
I can't hear you!
Kill them!
Let's just go.
Welcome to the Quahog
Maritime School, Chris.
Our curriculum consists of being on boats
for long periods of time with men,
just men for many days at a time.
Up on the deck with lots of men
or down in the galley with lots of men.
Is this some kind of pirate school?
Well, a certain kind of pirate.
Yes, we've been called that.
I don't know.
Is there some kind of preschool program?
You know, I have to admit I've always
been a little worried about Chris, but
I guess I just convinced myself
things would work out for him,
but with no education, what kind
of future can he possibly have?
What are we supposed to do, Lois?
I mean, it's not like the high school
will take him back.
And every other school
we've tried just doesn't...
Oh, crap!
My son got into DeVry.
Ah, good.
What'd he have to do,open the door?
Can't you let me have anything?
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Hang on. Hang on.
What are we fighting about?
You know, I have completely forgotten.
- Me, too.
- Something about a coupon. It's all...
- I cannot for the life of me remember.
- Oh, my God, that's ridiculous.
You know what?
I-I just... I hope I didn't hurt you.
No, no, no.
I... I'm all right. I'm all right..
But listen, you know what?
Let me make it up to you.
Why don't you let my wife and
I take you out to dinner?
Well, that sounds lovely.
Uh, that was delicious.
You know, I drive
by this place all the time
and I've never been inside;
isn't that funny?
Y-Yeah, you know, Nicole and I
came here by accident.
W-We had reservations at another place
and they... right, right, honey?
Yeah, they couldn't seat us for like
an hour, so we ended up coming here
- and we just loved it.
- Loved it.
I can see why. I mean,
th-that halibut was...
that, may have been the best
halibut I've ever had.
Well, glad we talked you out
of the pork chops, huh?
Yes! Thank you!
Oh, oh, oh, lemme, lemme,let me...
I-I'll get that.
Oh, no, no, no,no, no, I got it.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm taking care of this.
No, no, no, your money's
no good here.
My food was more expensive.
I feel bad. If I...
We invited you. I've got this.
- Look, just let goof the check, huh.
- You let go of the check.
- I'm not taking my hand off this thing.
- Well, neither am I.
Let go of the check.
- Ernie, if he wants to...
- Stay out of this!
Don't you talk to my wife like that!
Oh, yeah?
What are you gonna do about it?
Sorry.
And every other school we've tried just
doesn't seem to be a good fit for Chris.
Well, there is one other option.
Daddy, there's something
I need you to do for me.
Chris got expelled from
James Woods High, and,
well, I was wondering if you could get him
into that fancy boarding school you went to.
You want me to get Chris
into Morningwood Academy?
It would mean so much to our family.
All right, I'll pull some strings
on one condition:
I want Peter to do something
really humiliating.
Well, what did you have in mind?
He has to shoot and starin' a shot-for-shot
remake of Liar, Liar for my amusement.
Do you know why I stopped you?
I didn't fasten my seat belt.
I didn't look in my rear view mirror.
I didn't signal when I pulled away
from the curb. I almost hit a Chevy.
I changed lanes in the intersection
without signaling.
I changed lanes while running
a red light and speeding!
Well, Chris, here we are.
Wow, this school is really nice.
Boy, a degree from here
would set you up with any job you wanted.
Yes, I should attend this institution.
Perhaps one day I could be more powerful
than King Friday.
I am the supreme ruler of the
Neighborhood of Make Believe.
All will kneel before my...
What kind of freakin' king lives
next to the train tracks?
What is this, Mexico?
Hi. Is this room 214?
Oh, you must be our new dorm mate.
I'm Rogers Chapstick,
heir to the Chapstick fortune.
And this is Virgil MasterCard,
heir to the MasterCard fortune.
Oh, yes, yes,how do you do, sirrrr?
And this is James Bottomtooth, IV.
- Uh... I'm Chris.
- Let me get those bags for you. Johann?
Um, oh, dear. Johann tells me your
luggage is the luggage of the poor.
Well... I am poor.
Oh.
Oh, I see.
What the...?
This school is not for your kind!
Why?!
I still don't fully understand!
...and that was the third time
I slept with Katherine Harris.
Well, I love her politics,
but how is she in bed?
Well, as anyone in Florida will tell you,
she knows how to rig an erection.
One time I picked my nose and I swear
I could feel the bottom of my eye.
- Shut up, poor kid.
- No, I'm serious. Look!
So, Chris, how's the new school?
It's awful. I hate it!
Everybody's mean to me because I'm not rich.
Oh, no, Chris, that's horrible.
All right, look,I'll tell you what.
I'll call Daddy and I'll see
if there's anything he can do.
Well, that's enough fun for one day.
I'm sweating more than a non-legacy
applying to Yale.
Where am I?
Grandpa?
What are you doing here?
Chris, welcome to the
Skull and Bones Society.
This is where the most powerful men in
the world are groomed for their futures.
Every president, every CEO,
every douchebag named Ryan Seacrest.
The Skull and Bones Society
has been a part of my family for decades,
and we want you to become a member.
Really? Wow, cool!
Excellent. You get your
own stock portfolio,
a percentage of the 9/11 Victims' Fund,
And the best medical care on the planet.
You'll be kept as healthy as a horse.
- So, how's that leg doing?
- Great. Great. Never better.
Good. Why don't you try putting
some weight on it?
Eh, sure.
Yes! Yes!
Oh, that's good.
That feels good.
Very strong.
Sorry, Thunder, I gotta put you down.
How's your leg, huh?!
How's your leg?! You ready to race?!
We now return to Japanese Girls
Think Small Versions of Things
Are Really Cute.
Oh, look at my tiny dog.
I'm gonna put it in my tiny purse.
Tiny phone!
Tiny everything!
Peter, have you seen this tuition bill?
Morningwood Academy
is charging us $30,000.
Well, looks like we're all gonna
have to take second jobs.
I guess I'll see if I can get my old gig back
selling buttscratchers at the ballpark.
Buttscratcher! Buttscratcher!
Get your buttscratcher here!
- Buttscratcher!
- Buttscratcher.
- Buttscratcher!
- Buttscratcher!
Buttscratcher!
- Buttscratcher!
- Buttscratcher!
Chris, come here. You'll love this.
The first Thursday of every month
we go to a local orphanage, pick out
a kid, fill out all the paperwork
and then don't take him home.
It's hilarious.
That sounds kind of cruel.
No, no, you'll love it.It's great.
Come on. Come on in.
Your family's waiting in here.
There are toys. And a puppy.
And food that's not served
from warming trays.
Come on.You gotta want it.
Ah, you gotta do better than that.
Okay, I guess you don't want a new
family, toys, and a puppy.
Hi, everybody, I'm home.
- Hi, Chris.
- Hello.Hey, how are you?
Well, tell us everything,sweetie.
How's school going so far?
It's great, Mom.
I got powerful connections now,
thanks to Grandpa.
Chris, I'd give you a hug, but I'm exhausted from
working two jobs to pay your tuition.
I've been selling buttscratchers.
- Buttscratcher!
- No, Peter.
- Buttscratcher!
- Peter, no.
- Buttscratcher!
- No!
Buttscratcher...
Dad, you...
You got an extra job just
to put me through school?
We all did, Chris.
Meg and I have been working nights.
I'll take the one on the right.
Well, once again, Meg, I'll be back in an hour.
And I got a job following fat people
around with a tuba.
Stop it.
Cut it out
I have a glandular problem.
That'll be $60.
You wanted to see me, Grandpa?
Yes, Chris.
Your pledge period is over.
The Skull and Bones elders
are now ready to admit you to our ranks.
As is customary with all our new members,
you now have to spend seven minutes in
the closet with our most senior member.
We don't start the clock until the door closes.
You know, Grandpa, I don't think
I want to go through with it.
We all had to do it, Chris.
Now get in there.
No, I mean,
I think I want to go back to my old school.
My family's working so hard to pay
my tuition here, and I feel bad.
Is there any way you can get me back
into James Woods High?
Well, I suppose I could
pull some strings
if that's really what you want, Chris.
It is.
All right,consider it done.
Thanks, Grandpa.
Sorry, Master Herbert.
Sorry? You better get your
ass in that closet, Pewterschmidt.
Yes, sir.
I am so tired of you.
Ah, it's good to have you back, buddy.
Thanks, Dad.
I didn't really fit in there anyway.
The rooms were only 15x20.
If I didn't learn to laugh at myself,
I'd be dead right now.
Why don't you take your stuff up
to your room, Chris?
Okay, Mom.
Cut it out.
I'm just trying to live my life.
No one taught me about carbs.