Family Guy (1998–…): Season 5, Episode 14 - No Meals on Wheels - full transcript

Family Guy
No Meals On Wheels

Synchronisation : Kemar
Transcript : Raceman

We now return to
America's Next Top Model.

I just don't think
you're being fair, Tyra.

You don't know what it's like
to grow up the way I grew up.

You know what? How dare you?!
You don't know me.

You have no idea where
I come from, where I've been,

how long I've been there,

what I had to do to get from
where I was to where I am now!

- Hey there, Mort.
- Hi, Lois.

Neil's doing a report
on Christianity at school.



Do you have any crucifixes I can borrow?

Preferably one without
the little fellow on it?

Oh, of course, there's one
in the den. Help yourself.

God, I'm sick of Mort
always borrowing our stuff.

He's a bigger mooch than
the Mexican Super Friends.

Hey, Mexican Superman,
can I talk to you for a sec?

When you signed the lease,
you said there was going to be like

five of you living here.

Oh, no, they're not all living here.
They're just visiting.

Hey, Mexican Superman,
I got the keys made.

Hey, Mexican Batman, get out of here.

- What? I got like 60 keys.
- Sil?ncio!

- Jefe aqu?!
- ?Qu??

Evici?n.



That ought to keep Mort away.

Peter, what the hell is that?

Lois, I'm tired of Mort
always mooching off us,

so I made a scare-Jew.

Peter, we're not gonna have
this in our front yard.

It's racist, and for God's sake,
you ruined your best suit.

Now we're gonna have
to get you a new one...

Shh. Lois Lois, look.

Hey, guys, I just wanted
to return your...

Oh! Oh, my God, it's Hitler! He's back!

He's back! Hurry, protect Jon Stewart!

He's our most important Jew!

Why do wo get me a suit here?

Well, since you keep ruining them, I'm
not going to buy you a brand-new one.

Yes, I'll take this teddy bear,
this ruler,

this piece of string and
this cardboard box.

Oh, look, an "On The Raggedy Ann" doll.

It's water weight, you bastard!

Get off me! I'm not your whore.

I'm sorry, I'm just so sad.

Well, I guess I can still play with it
three weeks out of the month.

- Hi, there. See anything you like?
- Oh, I'm just browsing.

Say, you look like you
could use an activity book

with half the activities done.

- That would save me half the time.
- Connect the dots?

Ha! More like set the book down
and have a beer.

You got yourself a deal.

What... are those?!

Oh, that's a pair of
red flannel feety pajamas.

Good Lord.

See, they've got a flap
that opens up in the back.

Are you telling me I could be
pooping and warm?

Exactly.

No longer would I have to make
a choice between the two.

Sir, here is a check with my name on it.

Write down any number on
this piece of paper, and I will pay it.

All right, so we roll the dice

and then we both have to yell
"Yahtzee" really loud.

- At the same time?
- Yeah.

And you have to flap
your wrists like this.

And you'll do it, too?

- Of course, that's how it's done.
- Okay.

- All right, ready?
- Okay, you gonna do with me?

Oh, yeah.

Yahtzee!

- Gay.
- You suck!

Hey, everybody, I'm home from work.

My God, Peter, you wore
those pajamas to your office?

Hey, at least
I'm mixing it up a little bit.

Green shirt, tan pants,
that's refreshing.

Oh, boy does it feel good
to undo my butt flap.

Ew, Dad! We don't want to
sit here and look at your ass.

Yes, I'd rather look at Meg
toweling off after a shower

when she does that butt floss thing.

Ew, ew, that's so disgusting.

Ugh, ugh, I hope I don't ever
accidentally use that towel.

Lois, I have never been more comfortable

as a person than I am
in these feety pajamas.

All warm and furry.

This is what it feels like to be a bear.

You remember what I used to say,
Lois, when we first got married?

You remember? I used to say :
"What would it feel like to be a bear?"

Well, this is it. This is it.

- I'm living it, baby.
- No, you're not.

You've been wearing
those things for three days.

You can wear them to bed, but
tomorrow we're getting rid of them.

Fine.

Screw up all my fuzziness.

What the hell was that?

Oh, my God.

Lois, don't get alarmed, but

I think I might be Jesus.

I'm Jesus.

Peter, that's a static shock.

Your pajamas created
a charge of electricity

when you dragged your feet
across the carpet,

and when you touched Chris,
you passed it on.

Kneel before Christ!

Dad!

I am not your dad.

I am Electric Man.

Damn it, Peter, stop it!

I got to tell you, you're pissing me off

worse than when I watched the
O.J. verdict with my old roommate.

We the jury find the defendant
Orenthal James Simpson,

not guilty...

- Yes!
- What the hell?!

- What?!
- What?!

- Maybe we should get new roommates.
- Yeah, maybe we should.

Peter.

I know you're in here.

Yes, I am, Lois.

But where?

Peter, if you shock me,
I swear to God I'm leaving you.

You'll have to find me first, Lois.

Where could I be?

Well, there's a Quonset hut that
I've never seen in this room before.

- I got to figure you're in there.
- How do you know, Lois?

I could be in that New York
style magazine kiosk.

Peter, this all looks very expensive.

Yes, you might say it was...

shockingly expensive.

I'm going to try the Quonset hut.

I was in the bathroom.

The hut and the kiosk...
decoys, Lois, decoys!

Glen, thank you so much
for helping me tear up my carpet.

Well, you know, Lois, I got to confess,

when you called me I sort of
misunderstood what you were asking for.

That's why I rushed over.
But, uh...

Well, it's fine, it's fine,
whatever, I'm happy to help.

What the hell is this?

Peter, I've had it with
all your shocking.

Since you won't get rid of those
pajamas, I'm getting rid of the carpets.

Hey, Lois, you want me to leave
a little strip in this thing?

Maybe a lightning bolt, unicorn,
something like that?

- No, I want it all gone, Glen.
- All right, we're going Brazilian.

Hey, what's this?

- Some kind of really old coin.
- Huh. Let me see that.

Wait a minute, do you know what this is?

This is an 18th-century
Rhode Island ship token.

This thing's got to be worth 50 grand.

50 grand?! Oh, my God!

I can finally afford that operation

to swap my vocal cords
with Patrick Stewart.

Hey, Lois, I spent the afternoon
making a list of famous Armenians.

Eric Bogosian, Andre Agassi,

Jerry "The Shark" Tarkanian.

That is all.

Peter, you've been sleeping
with that money for the past week.

Don't you think it's time
we did something with it?

Buy a bolt and shut that trap of yours?

- What?
- What?

'Cause I had an idea.

Remember when we first got married...

And I said, "I wonder what it
would be like to be a bear"?

No, no, no, I'm talking about
that dream we had, Peter.

Remember? We tried
to open that restaurant,

and we never quite got it going.

Yeah, we got shut down
'cause of my exploding cupcakes.

Mmm, I hope these taste
as good as they look.

Gerald!

The secret is in the frosting.

But I'll never tell.

Well, here's another chance
to open a restaurant.

You're right.

- And I'll make my special cupcakes.
- No, Peter...

Oh, yeah, right, that was the problem.

All right, everybody,
only three hours till opening.

Oh, this is going to be
the coolest place in Quahog.

All the movers and shakers
and bigwigs are going to eat here...

but not the small wigs.

Hey, I'm hungry.

I got a credit card.

Oh, God, I'm so nervous.
I hope it goes well.

Oh, yes, I'm sure it will go as well
as Liza Minnelli's Playboy shoot.

Oh, God, please put
your clothes back on.

Mama... Mama...

Do you love me now, Mama?

Please love me, Mama!

Good evening. Welcome to
Big Pete's House of Munch.

- May I help you?
- Yes, do you accept the Discover card?

Hey, Lois, Diamond Jim Brady over here

just asked if we accept
the Discover card.

They're in an exclusive club
called anybody.

Yeah.
No, no, no, I don't think so.

You know, you know,
I would rather take two live chickens

than your fly-by-night credit card.

I would rather take a jar of pennies

that's value was less
than that of your bill.

- Look, you don't have to insult me.
- No, no, no.

You are going to sit there
and listen to the funny things

I would take instead
of your credit card.

The guy at table 7 complained there's
not enough juice on his prime rib.

Oh, did he, now?

Let me take care of that for him.

Tell him, bon app?tit, douchebag.

Oh, look, it's one of those
early Maude episodes

with the really long opening
credit sequence.

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider

She didn't care if
the whole world looked

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her

She was a sister who really cooked

Madame Curie was a
strong woman character

Working all day in a science lab, yeah

Clara Barton was a famous nurse

Who was rapping with
the soldiers and bandages, too

Susan B. Anthony always out doin' stuff

Marching around and holding up signs...

And then there's Maude.

- Pocahontas had it all goin' on
- What the hell?

An Indian guide
with lots of Indian pride

Indira Gandhi ran a whole big country

That isn't easy even if you're a guy...

And then there's Maude?

- Babe Zaharias was a really good athlete
- Aw, come on!

Good at track and field
and professional golf, too

And then there's Maude!

Amelia Earhart flew a lot of airplanes

Except for that one time
when she didn't come back

- Cleopatra lived way out in the desert
- And then there's Maude! Come on!

But still found a way
to keep herself looking fine

And then there's Maude...

There we go!

That was an ordeal.

Well, Peter, this has been
an amazing week.

You and I own a restaurant.
Can you believe it?

I know. I feel like I'm dreaming.

Wait.

Maybe I am dreaming.

That means I can do whatever
I want without consequences.

What are you doing?

I just adopted 30 puppies!

You guys, I have some bad news.

I just finished going over the books,

and this restaurant is
hemorrhaging money.

What? Well, how is that possible?

Isn't it obvious?
We're not getting enough customers.

This place is like a
ghost town half the time.

Yeah. Maybe somebody
should have asked me.

After all, I'm the only one in this
family with any business experience.

All right, Violet and Pigpen,

you've been seeing each other a few
weeks now. What seems to be the problem?

I keep getting bladder infections,
and I don't know why.

Really?

You don't know why?

I don't know what to do, guys.

The House of Munch is
going down the tubes.

Maybe you need to do
a little advertising, Peter.

Well, I tried.

I even hired M. Night Shyamalan
to direct my TV commercial.

I have a secret to tell you.

- What is it?
- Come closer.

I see good food at competitive prices.

At Big Pete's House of Munch!
Stop on by!

Unfortunately, they couldn't air it,

'cause it turns out M. Night Shyamalan
was involved with September 11.

You know, Peter, my buddies and I
have been looking for a new hangout.

Our usual doughnut shop
has gotten a little...

Puerto Ricany.

What if we made your place our new spot?

Joe, that's a great idea!

Fantastic! We'll see you tonight.

This is awesome!

Bunch of cops in uniform
hanging out in my restaurant?

This is going to be cooler
than that time

Ben Stiller taught me how to be myself.

But how can you leave me now,
Ben Stiller,

when I need you more than ever?

I've taught you everything
you need to know, Peter.

Now it's time for me
to go help another child.

I guess I just fooled myself into
thinking you'd always be with me.

I will, Peter.

I will always be with you.

His movies are terrible...

Lois, roll out the red carpet.
Here comes Joe and his cop buddies.

You got tables for 30?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Joe! I thought you
were bringing your cop friends over.

What are all these
parallelograms doing here?

You mean paraplegics.
These are my friends, Peter.

Come on, guys. Let's eat.

Oh, God. I hope there's not one of
those angry, handicapped Vietnam guys

with the bandana on his head.
Oh! There he is.

I've seen some things, man,
and some stuff.

I wouldn't recommend it.

Peter, isn't this wonderful?
The place is packed.

Uh... Lois, uh...

aren't you a little freaked out by this?

Why? Everybody's having a great time.

Besides, think of the
money we're making.

I don't care about that.
I wanted a cool restaurant,

not the cafeteria at the
veteran's hospital.

This is weirder than that
rap video by M.C. Escher.

Going up the stairs
and going down the stairs

And going up the stairs
and going down the stairs

And going up the sideways stairs.

And, in local news, a new restaurant
is taking Quahog by storm.

That's right, Diane.
If you're handicapped,

or know someone who's handicapped, or
just happen to be a fan of the circus,

then come on down
to Big Pete's House of Munch,

where the elite without feet
meet to eat.

Lois, this is insanity. I think we
should shut down the restaurant.

But... why? We're doing so well.

Lois, let me explain something to you,
all right? Cripples are not cool.

- Hang on. I'm going to get the picture.
- Oh, Peter, don't...

- What do you see here, Lois?
- Do we have to...?

What do you see?!

- A picture of Mark Harmon.
- A picture of Mark Harmon,

the greatest actor who ever lived.

Do you see a wheelchair
under Mark Harmon?

- Peter...
- Lois,

do you...

see a wheelchair...

under Mark Harmon?

- No.
- No, you do not,

because Mark Harmon is cool.

I know what you're thinking. "Peter,
this is just like your Gil Gerard speech."

And you can stop right in
your tracks, because it is not.

Granted, it is similar to the
Gil Gerard speech, but it...

Peter, I like our restaurant
the way it is,

and if you don't, that's your problem.

Fine. Then I'll deal with this myself.

All right, here they come.

Hey, Peter, we're here for dinner.

Oh no, you're not, Joe.
We have a new policy.

Can't you read the sign?

Peter, what the hell is that all about?

It's a message, Joe.

I don't want you and your
kind eating here anymore.

You're ruining what was supposed
to be a cool establishment.

Peter, you're one of my closest friends.

Are you... you telling me that you have
a problem with me being handicapped?

As a matter of fact, Joe, yes.
I think it's immoral.

It's a lifestyle choice
you're forcing on America.

We handicapped are a proud people!

Yeah, when you're not drinking and
gambling on your reservations,

which we gave you.

Fine, if that's the way you want it,

but we're not going to go down easy.

Okay, that was easy.

But I'll be back with
more handicapped guys!

Dad, look! Here they come!

Peter, we'll give you
one last chance to let us in!

What are you going to do, Joe?
I'm up here.

And you're down there.

Very well, Peter,
you leave us no choice.

Men, form up Crippletron!

Help! Help! Somebody help me!

Ben Stiller, help me.

No, Peter. I heard what
you said about my movies.

How did you hear?

Hello!

Go to hell, you mutant offspring
of comedy people.

Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid
he'll never walk again...

without remembering how lucky he is

that he'll only be in this
wheelchair for two weeks.

That leg should heal up just fine.

Peter, you do realize you deserve this
for the way you treated Joe.

I think you owe him an apology.

Are you kidding, Lois?

It ain't my fault that him
and all his gimpy friends

don't fit in with regular society.

But I'm going to be different.

I'll be a dignified cripple,
and I'll show them all how it's done!

Don't wish it away

Don't look at it like it's forever

Between you and me

I could honestly say

That things can only get better

And while I'm away

Dust out the demons inside

And it won't be long
before you and me run

To the place in our hearts

Where we hide

And I guess that's why
they call it the blues

And I guess that's why
they call it the blues.

Joe, uh...

- you got a minute?
- What is it, Peter?

I, uh...

just wanted to apologize.

I thought you and your friends
were just a bunch of gross cripples,

but I've been in a wheelchair
for 45 minutes now,

and I see how tough it is.

Well, Peter, it's been a
rough week for both of us,

but it means a lot to me
to hear you say that.

So what do you say?
Can we put all this behind us?

I'd like nothing better.

Hey, Bonnie and I are watching
Grey's Anatomy if you want to come in.

Oh, boy, Joe, I...
I got to tell you, that... that...

that sounds awful.