Family Guy (1998–…): Season 5, Episode 13 - Bill & Peter's Bogus Journey - full transcript

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

This was such a great idea
for a weekend activity.

Well, I thought it'd be good
to get out of the house.



I don't like the kids being around
that racist sunflower

that's growing in our yard.

Hey, boy, don't you come walking
by this house.

You're ignorant.

Hey, Mr. Eel. You're slippery.

Oops, got away.

Left my hand smelling funny.

Come here, Jesse. Smell my finger.

Today was a good day.

Hey, look, kids, it's a re-creation
of the lost city of New Orleans.

Dad, was there ever
a real city of New Orleans?

No one knows, Chris. No one knows.

Hey, Brian, look, I'm a stripper.

I'm working my way through college.



I should be more reluctant
to take my clothes off,

but I'm not because
my stepfather had boundary issues.

Hey, there, Mr. Octopus.
I see you got two eyes but not much else.

We can fix that.

Let's give you a nice,
tweedlie little mustache here.

And maybe
a big, old dumb-guy smiley mouth.

And a couple of eyebrows with one
raised up like you're saying, "Say what?"

Look who's got pimples.

And right before the big dance.

- Help! It's so sucky and squeezy!
- I'll handle this.

I've tangled with the likes of these before.

Wow, that was awesome, Mr. Seamus.

Ah, it was nothing.
That's how I caught old Woody over there.

In other news, former President
Bill Clinton was in town today

to judge Quahog's annual
Miss Cankle USA contest.

Now that's a cankle.

Where does the calf fat end
and the ankle fat begin?

Who knows? That's the fun.

- Brian, what is this on my shoe?
- My poop.

That's right, and it's disgusting.

I am sick of you using the front yard
as your bathroom.

It's time you learned to use the toilet
like everyone else.

I'm going to sneeze, I'm going to sneeze,
I'm going to sneeze, I'm going to sneeze.

Bye, Lois. I'm going to the gym.

Okay, see you... Wait. What?

Since when do you go to the gym?

Well, it's just that whole thing
at the aquarium

made me realize
I'm completely out of shape.

I mean, what if I run into
that octopus again?

Peter, that's ridiculous.

Ready for round two, man? I got all day.

Hey, is that your wife?

Hey, I didn't know you guys
work out here.

Yeah, it's a weekly regimen.
Come on, come on, Cleveland, push it.

Come on, come on, push it, push it.
Push it, come on, it's all you.

It's all you, it's all... Hey.

Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn,
Glenn, Glenn, Glenn!

Will you guys quiet down?
I'm trying to concentrate on my cardio.

Hey, you guys the trainers here?

Why, look, Barnaby,
a new recreation enthusiast.

We'll start off your workout with vigorous
calisthenics executed in rhythmic time

with acetate pressings
of the new musical craze called jazz.

Steak and eggs and eggs and steak

That's what you should have for breakfast

Delicious

Steak and eggs and eggs and steak

Just making sure you heard

I got it

- How do you think it works?
- I have no idea.

Look, Lois told me
I had to start using the toilet

and you're the one
who's had potty training,

so I'm counting on you to help me.

All right, we're two intelligent guys.
We can figure this out.

What's that big back part?

Maybe that's where the wizard lives
who operates this thing.

It would be wise not to anger him.

I wonder what this thing is for.

Brian, be careful with that.
We don't know what it does.

All right, here goes.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Careful. Careful.
Careful. Careful.

Don't mind me, you guys.
I'm just writing a letter to my boyfriend.

"Dear my boyfriend. Thank you for
making out with me recently on purpose.

"That was cool.
Those flowers that you totally sent me

"were really pretty,
just like you said I am.

"Love, Meg. "

Meg, you are so full of crap.

You're like those people
who sit in Starbucks

and publicly write on their laptops.

Hey, getting some writing
done there, buddy?

Yeah, setting up in public so everybody
can watch me type my big screenplay.

Me, too.
All real writers need to be seen writing.

Otherwise, what's the point, right?

- You should totally write that down.
- Okay. Will you watch me?

Hello, flabby, out-of-shape family.

Check out my bulging rippliness.

Peter, you've been to the gym once
for 15 minutes.

And I'm 15 minutes stronger, Brian.

I'd rip a phone book in half,
but for the life of me,

I don't know anyone who uses
a phone book anymore.

So I'll use Meg's laptop.

Dad! What the hell?

Look at him in that tank top.

He looks more pathetic than John Merrick
when he went on match. Com.

There's no way you're a size six.

I haven't felt this good in years.

I feel like Arnold Schwarzenegger

without the fruity accent
and the Pirates of the Caribbean wife.

Excuse me, sir. Secret Service.

I wonder if we might ask
for your assistance.

Yeah, what's the problem?

We're with President Clinton's motorcade.

It seems he blew a tire
in front of your house.

Boy, that guy is really horny, isn't he?

Would you happen to have
a jack we could borrow?

You don't need a jack. I am a jack.

Come on, I'll lift that thing for you.

Hey, I appreciate your help, man.

We're a little overloaded 'cause
I'm having a fat-chick party back here.

All right, girls. I've turned off the A/C.

First one to have a bead of neck sweat
reach their butt crack wins.

All right, boys,
now watch how this is done.

The key is to put it all in your groin
and your back.

Take your legs totally out of the equation.

Lift with your lower back
in a jerking, twisting motion.

- Peter!
- Oh, my God!

Call an ambulance!

All right, so which one
of y'all ain't got my herpes yet?

How's the hernia, Peter?

You know what
the worst part of it is, Lois?

I thought I was just out of shape,
but that ain't it at all.

I gotta face the fact
that I'm just getting old.

Knock, knock.

Mr. President, what are you doing here?

Well, I felt so bad that Peter hurt himself
fixing my car,

I wanted to stop by
and extend my good wishes.

Wow! Bill Clinton! Hey, can I get
a picture of you on my cell phone?

Sure.

You know where I got that nipple ring?

Ol' Straddlin' Madeleine Albright
gave it to me.

Say, you look
like you're pretty down, Peter.

Ah, it's just that I'm starting to realize
I'm not as young as I used to be.

I hear you.

After my bypass, I remember wondering
if it was all downhill from there.

But then I realized it doesn't have to be.
You're only as young as you feel.

I don't know, Reagan,
I wish I could believe that.

I'm going to make you believe it.

When you get out of here,

I'm going to take you out
and show you the time of your life.

And by the time we're done,

I promise you're going to feel
like a young man again.

- Well, if you really think it'll help.
- I sure do.

Know what else will help?
A little saxophone therapy.

You can have me.

What's that?

Well, since I couldn't help you
learn to use the toilet,

I found something that can.

It's an instructional video
on toilet training.

Hiya, I'm Roy Scheider.

And today we're going to learn
to use the potty.

Folks, say hi to my pal Hungry Hank.

How's it going, Hank?

I'm hungry for your poo.
Don't make me starve.

Remember, it's not really about pushing,

as much as just relaxing and letting
your body do what it does naturally.

What the hell?

Now, here's Susan Saint James
to help me wipe.

All right, Peter, we've got
a big day ahead of us.

I'm going to show you
that age is just a state of mind.

Come on, hop in my limo.

Wow, a limo! Shotgun!

- Watch the screen, not your feet.
- Bill, shut up, I got it.

Number 32.

Oh, no, our pizza's ready.

Tag out, man, tag out.

I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world

Wrapped in plastic, it's fantastic

Come on, Barbie, let's go party
Ah, ah, ah, yeah

Oh, boy, this is going to be fun.
I haven't made a crank call in years.

Quiet, quiet. It's ringing.

Hello?
- Hello, is this Linda Tripp?

Yes.

You shouldn't have talked,
you stupid bitch! I hope you die!

Boy, that, uh...
That wasn't really a crank call. That was...

- That was just unpleasant.
- Sorry about that.

It's okay. You know what, Bill?
You were right.

Ever since you and I have been
hanging out, I feel 20 years younger.

You've completely changed my life.

See, I told you, Peter.
Age is just a state of mind.

- So what do you want to do next?
- Go to Mars, dude.

- Boy, I'm getting kind of hungry.
- Me, too.

Hey! Hey, pull over, man! Pull over!

Dude, check it out.
There's a pig behind that fence.

- Oh, yeah, I see it.
- Dude, we could eat that pig.

What?

Dude, come on.
We could totally eat that pig.

We could... We could do it, man.
We could. It'd be so easy, man.

- It would take, like, a minute.
- Could it really be that fast?

Peter, that pig could be in our stomachs
in, like, one minute, and then we could...

And then...
And then we could do other stuff.

All right. I'm starved. Let's do it.

Who's there?

Oh, crap! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Doggone it! If he wanted a pig,
why didn't he just take my wife?

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Conway Twitty.

Hello, old friend.

What the hell?

No! No! You do not go on this lawn!

Brian, I've had enough of this.

It's more disgusting than
when you gave me that Christmas gift.

Oh, what is it? A little birdie?

Oh! Oh, my God! It's dead! Brian!

Oh! Oh, Brian, this is disgusting!

- Oh, my God! Get it out of here!
- I'm... I'm sorry.

I thought... I thought you'd like it.

Brian, I love it!

I'm going to call you Stickyhead.
I love you, Stickyhead.

Brian, if you're not going to use the toilet,
there's only one solution.

Hey, Brian, did you know
that Brad Pitt is John Lithgow's nephew?

- He is?
- No,

but doesn't that sound like
something that could be true?

Oh, my God! You're wearing a diaper!
You look silly.

- Why? You wear a diaper.
- Yes, but I'm a baby.

People see my diaper, and they say,

"Oh, how cute!
I bet he smells like baby powder. "

They see your diaper and think,
"That dog is sick. He must be dying.

"I hope he doesn't leak on our carpet.
Why don't they just put him to sleep?"

You know, at this point,
I'd probably welcome that.

Oh, hey, come on, man.
You just got to get used to it.

Hey, have you gone yet?
Have you popped your butt cherry?

You know, you should be more sensitive
to my humiliation.

Remember how bad you felt when
you drew that picture for Peter and Lois?

- Oh, Stewie, it's wonderful!
- This is going right up on the fridge.

Really? The fridge?

It's like we have
a little Michelangelo in the house.

Okay! See you guys later.

I almost lost it
when you said to put it on the fridge.

I know! I mean, what the hell is this
supposed to be, a pelican or a school bus?

Looks like Muhammad Ali drew this.

What a dumb ass! Hey, let's spit on it.

- Peter!
- Oh! Oh, Lois.

Oh... Let me make you some coffee.

Oh, boy, a pig!
Can we keep it? It bit me!

What the hell
did you and Bill do last night?

We lived, Lois. We lived our lives.

Peter, that former President Clinton
is nothing but a bad influence!

I forbid you to hang out with him anymore.

No way.
Bill Clinton makes me feel young.

Not like you,
with your Judd Hirsch sweater

and your bag of Werther's Originals.

Well, if he won't listen, I'm just going
to have to go talk to Bill Clinton myself.

Mr. President, I need to have
a word with you!

Wow! You certainly are very persuasive.

So I've been told.

- Hey, you up for a little NAFTA?
- What's that?

'Nother afternoon fucking that ass.

What the hell was I thinking?
I don't know what came over me.

Oh, God! What am I going to do?

Hey, Bill, you up for a little bowling?
I swiped some money out of Lois's purse.

I don't think she'll notice because
she's here humping you!

Peter! Look, I know this looks bad,
and I feel horrible,

and I know nothing I could say to you

could possibly justify
why I slept with Bill except...

I mean, Peter,

the man presided over the longest
economic expansion in US history,

and he reduced
the percentage of Americans on welfare

to its lowest level in 33 years.

- 35 years.
- 35 years, Peter.

Well, well. I learned something today.

Apparently, there's the side of Bill Clinton
the world knows,

and then there's the dark, sex-crazed side
only I know.

I'm so sorry, Peter.

Lois, I think maybe it's better
if I stay at Quagmire's for a while.

I understand.

Hey, Lois, you up for a little exit polling?

Are you asking me what I think
you're asking me?

Well, that depends on what
your definition of the word "jizz" is.

Oh, God! I've been a worse wife

than Lorena Bobbitt
when she was married to the Thing.

Oh, my God! Where is it?
Where did she throw it? Oh, God! Oh, God!

Is this what you're looking for?

I can't believe Lois would cheat on me.

Look, Peter, I know this is
a very difficult time for you,

but I want you to know I'm...
I'm here for you if you need anything.

You want me to drag my sack
across your face?

- What?
- I'm sorry, it's...

When one of my lady friends is upset,
that's how I cheer...

Listen, Peter, this is all I know.

I'm not very good
in these types of situations.

Quagmire, I know your heart's
in the right place,

but I need to sort this out for myself.

I haven't misjudged someone this bad
since my last physical.

All right.
The doctor will be in in a few minutes.

Peter? Peter, are you in there?
It's me.

What do you want?

Honey, I just feel awful
about this whole situation.

Oh, I'm sorry, Lois. You want me to drag
my sack across your face?

Not now, Quagmire.

Sorry, I did it... That's a mistake...
I'll go make her some coffee.

Peter, I think I've got a solution
that'll make things right for both of us.

I'm listening.

Well, the way I figure it, the only way
to even things out between us

is if you have sex with someone else, too.

You want to get me laid?

Yes, Peter,
because I don't want to lose you.

Well, it would make us even.
All right, Lois, if you really think it'll work.

Trust me.
It'll work better than the first telephone.

Well, we did it, Watson.
What an afternoon.

We've finally perfected the first telephone.

Yeah. Hey, listen,
somebody called me today.

Whoever it was said some
very sexual things.

Some very angry, sexual things.

Oh, really?
Probably just some teenagers somewhere.

- Damn them.
- Well, that's the thing.

I mean, there's only two phones in the...

Well, in the world, and one of them
is in my office,

and the other's in your office,

and those two didn't even exist
until about a few hours ago.

Yikes! I could use a distraction right now.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty.

All right, Peter, who's it going to be?
Who do you want to sleep with?

Who we kidding, Lois?
This is never going to work.

- Let's just forget the whole thing.
- No, honey, it's got to work.

Just pick somebody,
and I'll make it happen.

Deep down, in your heart of hearts,
if it could be anyone in the world,

who would it be?
Halle Berry? Ann-Margret?

- Anybody I want?
- Anybody.

- Don't be afraid to tell me.
- Babs.

- My mother?
- Yeah.

Why?

It was my understanding that there
would be no questions asked.

I'm just curious. It's a little weird.

Look, you know what? She's hot.
Guilty, all right?

I haven't been so struck
by a woman's beauty

since I was Uma Thurman's eye-wrangler
on the set of Pulp Fiction.

No. You can't promise something like that.

I have no idea
what you're going to say to me.

So you can go ahead
and say what you're going to say

and my natural response
could be to get offended.

Then, through no fault of my own,
I wouldn't have kept my promise.

Hang on!

Okay!

Well, Lois, this is an unexpected surprise.

You and Peter should drop by more often.

Well, we were in the neighborhood,
and Peter said,

"Let's stop in. " Wasn't that thoughtful?

Will you people quiet down?
I'm trying to watch Medium.

You know what? Daddy's right.

Let's go upstairs
where we won't bother him.

Good. All right. Go, Medium!
Wish I could talk to ghosts.

That would be sweet!

Mom, could we sit down for a second?
I have to ask you something.

What is it, Lois?

Well, Peter and I have hit
a snag in our marriage.

I won't go into details.

But it turns out that the only way
to make things right seems to be...

It... It's, uh...
Oh, boy, what's the best way to say this?

Mom, would you have sex with Peter?

- Of course, dear.
- Really?

Carter's been most insufferable lately,
and this would just stick in his craw.

I like your freaky spirit,
but it's your craw I'm after.

I didn't think you'd be so receptive.

Are you kidding, Lois?
I'm physically starved.

Your father's utterly lost interest.

He won't even look me
in the back of the head anymore.

I see. Well, I guess we're good to go then.

Peter, are you sure this is what you want?

Yeah. I'll see you at home.

Lois, wait!

I can't do it! I can't go through with it!

You have to, Peter,
for the sake of our marriage!

- Screw our marriage! I love you!
- Really?

Absolutely. And I don't care
that you slept with Clinton.

We'll get past it somehow.

All I know is, I don't want
to do anything to hurt you.

Oh, Peter!

Why are you naked in my house?

Why aren't you?

You're all right, Griffin.

Well, Peter, our marriage
has suffered a serious trial,

but I think we can get through it.

Me, too, Lois.
It's just going to take a little work.

In the meantime, I guess
I better clear the air with Clinton.

Hey, listen, Bill,
you and I need to have a talk.

Boy, you are good. You are really good.

Well, look at you using the toilet.
I am so proud of you.

Hey, well, you deserve all the praise
for encouraging me to do it.

Well, still, good for you.

So where are you really doing
your business?

Oh, I found a place.

Well, I'll be damned.
And they called me crazy.

You can't plant sausage seeds, they said.

Well, look at this.