Family Guy (1998–…): Season 4, Episode 8 - 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter - full transcript

Thanks for baby-sitting, Meg.
We'll be back in a couple of hours.

I don't understand why
I have to baby-sit Stewie.

I mean, what's he really gonna do
if we leave him by himself?

And now to test my teleportation pods.

Oh, damn!

I'm a monster!

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy



Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do

all the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

So, this is awkward, but...

have we ever actually, you know, met?

I mean, you know, I don't even know, say,
for example, if you have a room up there.

You know, a room?

I have a room.

You know, Meg, if you kill yourself now...

you'll probably get a full page
in the yearbook.

So, you know,
that's something to think about.

Just burped.

Hi, Meg.



You busy Saturday night?

NeiI, you ask me out, like, once a day,
and I always give you the same answer.

No!

God, I don't think I could have been any
clearer the last time I turned him down.

Ray, your mother insulted
my steak pizzola again.

NeiI Goldman of Quahog, Rhode Island...

leave me alone!

I hate you! I hate you!

- Anyway, your mother insulted-
- I don't care anymore, Patty.

After nine seasons, I just don't care.

Maybe you could try not being a bitch.

Hey, Mort.
Lois and I are out on our date night.

Why don't you give me some condoms?

And some Excedrin.
My wife's got a headache this big.

You know, it's like from the commerciaI.

This big. Only it's my junk.

all right, then. $12.43.

Jeez, that's more of a rip-off
than that breakfast machine I bought.

Ow! Ow!

What was the point of all that?

all it does is shoot you.
It doesn't make breakfast at all.

Besides, I forgot my wallet.

Well, that's okay. I'll just open up a tab.

Wait a minute, what the hell's a tab?
Does that mean I don't gotta pay?

- Well, not right now, but-
- Ah, sweet!

Hey, while I'm at it,
give me all these copies of Marie Claire.

You know, in case I want to
rub out that easy one...

before I get Lois into bed tonight.

Kathleen Turner's on Page 45.

Kathleen Turner, huh?
Let's see how she looks.

Oh, that's a shame.

And now back to
The Kids' Choice Awards...

with host Paula Poundstone.

I choose you and you and you.

So, come on.

I said, let's go!

Meg!

Meg, I'm hungry!

There's a granola bar in the cupboard.
I want it.

Hey.

Hey.

What's this?

What's going on?

Am I talking to myself up there?

Oh, my God.
Stewie, just shut up and go to bed!

Do you know what I do, Meg?
I spit in your mouth while you sleep.

Finally. Look, Mom, I've had it.
I am not baby-sitting anymore.

It's Saturday night,
I could be out having a life.

Meg, if you don't want
to baby-sit anymore, that's fine.

But don't you stand there and lie to me.

Meg, she torched your ass, man.
She torched your ass.

Why can't you just hire a reaI baby-sitter?

Well, I guess we could do that.

Damn! I'm terrible at meeting new people.

Like the time I was on Blind Date.

- I'm having a great time, Stewie.
- Me, too.

So, you ready to go grab some 'za?

Yeah.

So, a wild guess here...

but from the looks of your arm hair,
I'm guessing you're Itallan?

all right, you guys, I got eight crates
of ipecac from Mort, all on my tab.

Now, whoever goes the longest
without puking...

gets the last piece of pie in the fridge.

Okay, here we go.

- How's everybody doing?
- Good. Good so far.

all right, all right.

- Nothing yet.
- CooI, cooI.

You know, I don't know if you guys
had any of that pie already...

but that is some tasty stuff.
That's from the bake sale that Lois-

One down. I know somebody
who won't be having any-

I'm starting to feeI funny.

Well, I feeI fine. I guess I'm-

Oh, boy! That means I win. I get to eat-

Oh, God! Why didn't anybody tell me...

Oh, my God! My insides are on-

No. No, please. No more, no more. No-

Dad, I'm scared.

Get the phone. Call 911-

Lois! Lois! Lois, get in here...

Okay, okay. I think it's all gone.

I think-

I don't wanna, I don't wanna...

Peter. Peter, I need you to hold my ears...

Who wants chowder?

What the hell?

Hey, Meg, you better check this out.

Oh, God, this is so embarrassing.
I can't believe this is happening to me.

Looks like someone could use
a greeting card to cheer them up.

I put these on my tab.
Here, take a Far Side one.

The vulture thinks he's a cowboy.

It's kind of funny.

Hey, Peter, you got a card for
if you transferred VD to somebody?

Let's see here.

Yup. "Sorry I accidentally gave you VD."

That's all you got is accidentaI, huh?
all right, I'll take it.

Well, first let me thank you
for answering the ad.

Now, what do you feeI quallfies you
to be an effective baby-sitter for Stewie?

Yeah. We couldn't run an ad
that said "no Portuguese," but...

no Portuguese.

So, I see here you worked for a family
for a number of years.

Can I call the Herculoids for a reference?

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

The position has been filled.

The position has been filled.
Thank you very much. You can go now.

Leave! Now!

I didn't think it was gonna be this hard
to choose a baby-sitter.

Yes, if only you were this discerning...

when you picked that happening
Bruce Jenner hairdo.

Sorry I'm late. Can I still apply for the job?

My God, I haven't been this exhilarated
since Brian took me to see Les Miserables.

Attention, ladies and gentlemen.

There will be a slight change
in the cast tonight.

Oh, no.

For this evening's performance...

the role of Jean Valjean
will be played by Kirk Cameron.

Oh! Oh!

Unbelievable! Oh, my God!
How lucky are we, huh?

"Hey, Stewie,
what are you doing tonight?"

"Oh, nothing. Just watching
Kirk Cameron play Jean Valjean. "

Oh, my God! Curtain up.

Hey, Mort, do these suppositories
come in other flavors?

Peter, are you eating those?

No, I'm shoving them up my butt.

Of course I'm eating them.
Give me a carton.

Peter, it's the end of the month,
and I'm calling your tab.

- You owe me $34,000.
- What?

Oh, man, how am I gonna come up
with that kind of money?

Peter, I'm waiting.

all right, all right.
Listen, I got another idea.

What if I sold you my daughter?

You drop the tab,
and your son can have Meg.

What?

Yep, all you gotta do is sign this contract.

Are you out of your mind?
You can't sell me, you fat son of a bitch!

Whoa! CarefuI getting this fish
off the hook, Mort.

She's got some fangs.

What do you think of that, NeiI?
Daddy bought you a girlfriend.

Excuse me. If anybody is interested,
I already have a girlfriend.

There's no way... Wait, what?

You ready to go, honey?

You rejected me too many times, Meg.
I couldn't wait for you forever.

Besides, Cecilia thinks
my psoriasis is sexy.

I can't believe he's over me.

I can't believe I'm out $34,000.

I can't believe it's not butter.

Stick around. More Family Guy coming up.

Peter, how could you have tried
to sell our daughter?

all right, Lois, I don't want this to ruin
our date night, so I'll make it up to you.

Oh, Peter.

"I'm sorry I tried to sell our daughter. "

Yeah, you don't know how hard it was
to find one of those in English.

Tonight the baby-sitter comes, Rupert.

Lovely LaDawn.

Hey, LaDawn. Hey, what's going on?
How are you?

Yeah. Just me, Stewie.

Just being myself.

Yeah. Well, this here? It's just my package.

Just my package.
God delivered it, I signed for it.

World keeps on spinning. Yeah.

Oh, no!

Jenga, there it is.

Well, I guess that's why they call it Jenga.

Stewie, you're so cute,
I can't even stand it.

Thank you. I'm having a good time, too.

I hope I don't make any sociaI faux pas...

like I did at Pamela and Tommy Lee's
dinner party.

Hi, sorry I'm late.
I was visiting my aunt in the hospitaI.

She has hepatitis.

Sorry.

NeiI is such an amazing guy.

We just make
an absolutely perfect couple.

You know, NeiI liked me first.

And I was gonna go out with him
when I was ready to settle for him.

Get your own spaz.

all right, ladies, enough chitchat.

Take it off, get in the shower
and bounce around for me.

Sweetie, your daddy and I
are going to the movies tonight.

How would you like LaDawn to baby-sit?

Yes! I'm going to wow her tonight, Rupert.

I'm gonna be cooler than Brian
when he hangs out at the bowling alley.

That's what I love about high-schooI girls.

I keep getting older,
they stay the same age.

Yes, they do. Yes, they do.

Please go out with me.
I'm just trying to make NeiI jealous.

I promise, I'll pay and everything.

Yeah. That sounds cooI,
but I'm gonna be in the hospitaI that night.

- Hi, gorgeous man.
- Oh, you.

Must I lock up your tongue
with the rest of the silver?

Stewie, this is Jeremy.

Hey, little man. So you're the guy
who's been trying to steaI my girlfriend.

What... You...

Girlfriend?

What kind of sick, twisted game
are you playing at?

Stewie sounds a little cranky.
I'll put him to bed.

I got your hat! Take that, hatless!

Now go back to the quad
and resume your Hacky Sack tourney!

I'm not gonna lie down
for some frat-boy bastard...

with his damn Teva sandals
and his SkoaI Bandits...

and his Abercrombie & Fitch
long-sleeved, open-stitched...

crew-neck Henley smoking his sticky buds
out of a soda can...

while watching his favorite downloaded
Simpsons episodes every night!

Yes, we all love Mr. Plow.
You've got the song memorized, do you?

So does everyone else!

That is exactly the kind of idiot you see
at Taco Bell at 1:00 in the morning.

The guy who just whiffed his way
down the bar-skank ladder.

Good night, Stewie.

If he wants to throw hands,
I'll throw hands.

I tell you...

Hey! NeiI and Cecilia.

I didn't expect to see you here.

Meet Jake, my boyfriend.

I want some BB's.
My dad lets me shoot at cats.

Hi, Meg.

NeiI and I are celebrating
our two-week anniversary.

It seems like only yesterday...

he was just a stranger
videotaping me through the window.

Big deaI.
He did that to me three years ago.

And he gave me the tapes for Christmas.

He gave me DVDs.

The production values were amazing,
much better than Kramer vs. Predator.

You want him back?

You can't just disappear for three months
and then suddenly decide...

you want him back! You can't have him!

Well, I'm glad NeiI's over me, anyway.

I'm with Jake now. Right, Jake?

Maybe someday we'll get married
and you can go up on me.

- NeiI, I wanna be your girlfriend.
- What?

I was wrong to drive you away.
We belong together.

Of course, I'm understandably skepticaI
of your newfound affection for me.

You still got that contract
our dads drew up?

Give me that.

- You wanna hook up?
- Buy me something.

I can't believe we're going out.
This is so cooI.

NeiI. NeiI, not so fast.

Meg, you need to fulfill
your contractuaI obligations.

What are you talking about?

all right, Meg, according to the contract...

every night,
you have to put on my pajamas.

My mom's record is 12 seconds.

- NeiI, I think you're old enough to-
- Go!

- Would you stop kicking? Just hold still.
- That's tickling. It tickles.

- My thumb.
- Hold still. Quit it...

LaDawn, I thought
we could watch a DVD together.

I picked up the first season
of Jiminy Glick.

Imagine being that guy for a day.

Colin Farrell, so I was talking
to my wife, Dixie, the other day...

and she was saying
that you weren't a very good actor.

And I agreed with her.

Now, why, Colin,
why would we both say that?

all right, that's it.
Jeremy must be destroyed.

Mom?

Dad?

Mom? Is anyone there?

Little man? You in here?

I say, I think this is how you change a tire.
But what do I know? I'm just a baby!

Here's your iPod, so you can listen
to The Streaks while you gasp for air.

The Strokes. Right.

Boy, this was a better acquisition
than I thought.

We may even be able to put in
some sorghum this year.

So, anyway...

Hey, I made you a mix tape.

I don't have a duaI cassette player...

so, you know, I had to hold
the tape recorder up to the radio...

so the quallty is kind of sucky...

but, you know,
all the songs describe my feelings.

I'm sorry, Stewie. I'm just upset.

Jeremy stopped calling me.

He what? That blaggard!

Come here,
let me just hold you for a while.

Stewie! No! That is a bad place to touch.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no.

But...

But I... You...

No more TV.

Well, how about no more job?
You hear that, Miss Fussy Britches?

I shall see you fired, damn you!

I thought we were going to go all the way
and die together like Hitler and Eva Braun.

- We do everything together, ja?
- Ja.

You got your poison?

Okay. One, two, three.

- You didn't do it.
- You didn't do it, either.

Okay, okay.
This time we really have to do it.

- Okay, all right. You ready? Okay, okay.
- Okay.

- One, two.
- One, two.

You want me to kill myself
and you're not going to.

- You suck. You suck.
- You suck.

Hey, Stewie, there's something
thunking around in the trunk of my car...

and I can't get in there
'cause somebody busted the lock.

You have any idea what that's about?

That. It's this whole...

It's this whole crazy thing.

Hey, this is not a barn, young lady.

I'm just so exhausted.

You know, I thought I'd be happy
being with NeiI, but I'm not.

This is horrible.

Sweetheart, we'll figure some way
to get you out of this.

Brian, did you find any loophole
in the contract?

Nope, it's airtight.

The only way out
is if NeiI commits an infidelity.

Well, that's it then.
We got to find somebody to seduce NeiI.

- Who, me?
- Well, if not you, Lois, then who?

Beverly D'Angelo?

'Cause I don't think she'd do it.

And I don't even know
how to get ahold of her.

Hello, LaDawn.

Listen, I certainly hope you'll excuse
last night's indiscretion.

It was just... Oh, my God, LaDawn!
What's that on your neck?

Lois! Thank God you're here, Lois.

It was all her friends.
They were doing marijuana and heroin.

And they were taking eczema
and touching each other.

- LaDawn, wake up this instant.
- What?

- I don't-
- You know what? Don't bother, LaDawn.

You are fired.

Well, I really don't know
how this happened...

but I guess this is the last time
I get to see you.

I'm gonna miss you, little guy.

This is for you.

She made me a mix tape.

Oh, dear God, what have I done?
I've made a terrible mistake.

LaDawn! LaDawn!

LaDawn!

all right, you all set, honey?

I can't believe I'm doing this.
It's so disgusting.

But it's for my little girI.

Dad, how do you know NeiI will show up?

Don't worry, Meg.
I sent him an invitation he couldn't refuse.

Strange. These conventions
usually have Segway parking.

Hello? Am I too late for the Q&A?

Yeah, but you're just in time for the T&A.

Mrs. Griffin, what are you-

You can call me Mystique.

Mrs. Griffin, this is wrong.

Well, well, well, look at this, Meg.

Your boyfriend is violating
both your contract and my wife.

Meg, I wasn't doing anything.
Mrs. Griffin was just... You're bending it.

I don't care.

You've nullified the contract. I'm free!

Free?

I don't understand, Meg.
You don't want to be my girlfriend?

Well, I thought I did.
But I guess I was just jealous.

I see.

Well, Meg, I want you to be with me
because you want to be with me...

not because you have to.

Thank you, NeiI.

Cecilia, it's The Goldman.

How about we fire up the old Segway...

and find a nice quiet field
to do long division in?

I mean, a nice quiet field
in which to do long division. Sorry.

Sorry, everybody.

Okay, I'm on my way.

He's going back to Cecilia?
I can't believe I'm actually jealous.

I can't believe I actually touched him.

I still can't believe it's not butter.

Next week I run for mayor of Quahog.

Do I have what it takes?
We'll find out. Don't miss it.

Well, here we are again.
Another Saturday night with basic cable.

Yep.

I suppose neither of us
is really cut out for love, and we...

Oh, my God! Jeremy's still in the trunk!

Oh, God, how long has it been?

Let's see. Two weeks. Yep.

Yeah, he's dead.

Definitely dead.