Family Guy (1998–…): Season 4, Episode 7 - Brian the Bachelor - full transcript

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

all the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

This is ridiculous.
Why did y'all drag me here?

Because you can't just
sit home every night since Loretta left.



You got to get out and meet some women.

Well, I suppose I could give it a try.

Hey, baby. How'd you like to go black
and then have to make...

a difficult decision regarding
whether or not to go back?

Sorry, I went burnt sienna
and I never went back.

Ready, baby? Who's this clown?

Open up, Stewie.
The airplane's coming in for a landing.

I guess the pilot must have been
JFK Junior.

Even I found that to be in bad taste.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Good morning, Chris. Oh, my God!
Look at the size of that pimple.

You're like a circus freak!

I'm kidding.
You're just becoming a man, sweetie.

Yeah. I remember when I became a man.



The operation was a success.
What are you gonna go by now?

Peter.

You know, Chris, we'll have to
do something about that.

But I don't wanna get rid of my zit.

I like him. He's my friend.
His name is Doug.

I just wish I didn't have to look at it.

We have to look at your anus all day.

Thank you.

The Bachelorette comes to Quahog
in search of male contestants.

Story at 11:00.

Well, actually, that was pretty much it.

But there will be other stuff, too.

Look, I'm turning down the thermostat.

See Diane's erect nipples at 11:00.

Oh, my God!
The Bachelorette is coming to Quahog.

That's, like, my favorite show ever.

Meg, how can you watch that crap?

That show is not reallty. It's all staged.

It's a complete mockery
of human relationships.

You know, this could be the perfect way
for Cleveland to meet Mrs. Right.

I got to tell him. Hey, Cleveland.

Joe? Sorry, I dialed the wrong number.
I meant to call Cleveland.

No, I just wanted to tell him something.

No, I'd like to talk to you, too.
It's just that-

Fine. I'll call you after I talk to Cleveland.

I don't feeI obligated. I want to.

You're a good pimple, Doug.

Feed me.

You can talk?

That's right.
And we're gonna raise some hell.

all right! Raise some hell!

So, why would you be a good candidate
on The Bachelorette?

I would be perfect for your show...

because I know
how to talk dirty to the ladies.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes. That feels so good.

Spit in my mouth.

Two hundred auditions and nothing.

We still got one guy waiting.

You lined up 201 auditions?
What a weird number.

You're weird.

Peter, I can't do this.
I am too nervous. I got to go.

No, Cleveland,
I'm not gonna let you do this.

I'll tie you down, if I have to.

Peter, this is only making it worse.

Oh, God, my claustrophobia is setting in.

It's all right. It's okay. It's the fabric.

It's your clothes. Let's get your clothes off.

Peter, what's wrong with you? I am naked!

Oh, God, you're self-conscious. I'm sorry.

Here. You know what?
Look, Cleveland, look.

See? Now you're not alone, Cleveland.

Let me out of here!
I need to get out of here.

Cleveland, no, you're staying.
This is for your own good.

Oh, my God!

Hi, we're here for the interview.

Excuse me. Hi. Listen, I just wanted
to apologize for Peter.

He was just trying to help out his friend.

You see, his wife left him
and he's been kind of lonely...

confused about what he really wants.

- What's your name?
- Brian.

Congratulations, Brian.
You're gonna be on The Bachelorette.

Really? You're sure
you don't want to reconsider my friend?

Let me see.

Oh, that ain't bad!

Brian, I can't believe
you're gonna be on The Bachelorette.

Yeah, I thought you said
those shows were stupid.

They are stupid.

But I figured I got a few days
of free booze and food...

before they kick me off.
I could use a vacation.

Oh, yeah, because you've got
such a heavy workload around here.

How you coming on that noveI
you're working on, huh?

Got a big stack of papers there?

Got a nice little story
you working on there?

The big noveI you've been working on
for three years, huh?

Got a compelling protagonist?

Got an obstacle for him to overcome?

Little story brewing there? Working on?

Working on that for quite some time, huh?

Talking about that three years ago.
Been working on that the whole time?

Nice little narrative.
Beginning, middle, and end.

Some friends become enemies,
some enemies become friends?

At the end your main character
is richer for the experience? Yeah?

No, you deserve some time off.

I am super excited.
You think she'll be hot?

- I bet she'll be hot.
- I think she'll be hot, too.

No way! So do I!

- Quagmire.
- Hey, Brian!

- How did you get on the show?
- I had to do a few favors.

I got to get on that show.
Come on, I'll do anything.

Anything?

- Yeah.
- all right.

- Okay, you're ready?
- Yep.

Okay, check under the bed.

- No, nothing.
- Check in the closet.

No, no monsters in here.

Now check the bathroom.

- No, none in here, either.
- Okay, good.

- So, can I be on The Bachelorette?
- Yeah. Goodnight.

Peter, I'm getting
a little worried about Chris.

all he does lately is sit alone in his room
talking to that zit.

Relax, Lois. What's a zit gonna do?

Talk to him and tell him to
sneak out of the house and cause trouble?

Now light it, ring the doorbell,
and run like hell!

- I don't know about this, Doug.
- Just do it!

Oh, good Lord!

Is that... Doody!

I'm doing the dishes, Joe.
I'll change you in a minute.

Trevor, this is Brooke, the bachelorette.

I wasn't too nervous.
When I am nervous I work out.

I wasn't working out,
so I must not have been nervous.

I was very pleased and surprised.

I really was not expecting an open bar.

Top-shelf booze, I tell you.

And this guy knew his stuff.
Made me a Mojito.

I don't think it's a gay drink.

Mojito!

Hey, guys.
Well, it's been great to meet you all.

And I am looking forward
to getting to know you while we're here.

- Dude, put your pants on.
- Shut up.

Well, I really like all the guys.

But some of them
seem a little too competitive.

I got to tell you. I don't know what she
would possibly see in Count Chocula.

I think he's just here
because he's a minority.

You were right, Doug. Mischief is fun.

We're the best pals since the Snorks.

I am having a really great time.

Me, too. I really value our friendship.

You're not like those other Snorks
who only want one thing.

Oh, that was clumsy. Hang on a second.

Gentlemen, it's time
for the first rose ceremony.

Who gets to stay,
and who takes the bus ride home...

it's up to Brooke.

- Trevor.
- That's what Trevor's talking about.

Hey, can I say hi to a friend of mine?

- Sure.
- Hi, Jesus!

No way!

Hello. I know. I saw.

Glenn.

- Brian.
- What? Are you serious?

I feeI like I didn't get to know you at all.

- Would you accept this rose?
- all right.

But I think this whole thing is about
as pointless as Peter's cow-kite.

This is never gonna work. Damn cow.
Cleveland, what am I doing wrong?

You got to get her running
before you start running.

Chris.

Chris, honey, can I talk to you?

Oh, my God, he's gone!

That means this room is mine now.

I am gonna party my ass off in here.

Great pot, Stewie.

Yeah, I got it from
our cleaning lady's boyfriend.

It's okay, though, 'cause she's gonna
use the money to get a mammogram.

Chris, where have you been?

Doug told me I don't need to listen to you.

Doug? Your pimple? Oh, that is it!

First thing tomorrow, we're going down
to Goldman's Pharmacy...

and get some astringent
to get rid of that thing.

What did I tell you?
She's trying to drive us apart.

We can't let that happen.

I am in no mood.

Welcome to the Saddleback Ranch
and our first group date.

Is everyone ready
for a little cowboy action?

- Yeah!
- I love horses.

Sorry, I am late, Brian. Here's your ride.

Oh, come on, you can't expect me
to ride that thing.

Sorry, we're short on horses.

You know what? Forget it.
I'll just go smoke.

- Hey, there, Adam.
- Hello, Henry.

I have the power!

Brooke, what are you doing here?

Oh, I just can't take it anymore.

all these guys just coming on to me.

I had to sneak off.
Oh, could I bum one of those?

You know, I don't even know
why I agreed to do this show.

This is just so not me.

I'd much rather just be home
listening to my old jazz records.

Really? I didn't know. I actually have
quite a jazz collection myself.

- What do you like?
- DJ Jazzy Jeff!

I'm kidding!

Oh, you got me. Oh, you got me, yeah.

No, I really like Coleman Hawkins,
Ben Webster.

Oh, and early Coltrane,
before he got clean.

Yeah, no junk, no souI.

No kidding. I mean, look at Chevy Chase.

Right.

You know, I got to say, I thought
she was just some actress...

looking for her 15 minutes of fame,
but she's pretty sharp, you know.

I guess you can't judge
a Brooke by her cover.

You can cut that out, right?

And maybe you can cut out when I said
junk earlier, the whole Chevy Chase thing.

Seems like he's probably
the kind of guy who might sue.

I mean, the guy's got to have
no money left.

all right, gentlemen...

let's see how Glenn's
private date with Brooke is going.

Hey, Brooke, what do you say,
we get you some more champagne?

Sure.

all right.

Hey, forgot about you guys.

Well, I guess the date's over.

Goodnight, Brooke.
Thanks for a lovely evening.

Oh, my God, Peter,
it looks like there's been a break in.

Do you think so?

Oh, God, they're back.

Whoa, awesome! Totally awesome!

all right, Goldman.

What the hell is your problem, Mort?

I am sorry, Peter. I thought you were
one of those criminals...

who broke in and destroyed
my entire stock of acne medication.

Oh, my God. Peter, do you think
Chris might have done this?

Come on, Lois, he doesn't have the wild
streak you had when you were younger.

For God's sake, you used to make
Plasto molds of celebrity body parts.

Okay, DaryI, it's almost dry.

Very nice, by the way.

This one's going on the shelf
right next to Dan Fogelberg.

Hey, Lois, am I up next?

Just wait in your dressing room.
I'll come back for you, Oates.

I am not coming back for Oates.

Glenn, will you accept this rose?

Really? After I drugged you...

and tried to have sex
with your unconscious body?

- What?
- Yes.

This is the finaI rose tonight.

- Brian.
- Yes!

Yeah, I mean,
I know I was skepticaI at first...

but I got to be honest, I've never
felt this way about anyone before.

I mean, I am in love. That's it.

I am in love.

I finally understand
those songs on the radio.

What did you think

I would do at this moment

When you're standing before me

With tears in your eyes

Brooke has narrowed her choice down
to Quagmire and Brian.

all that's left is for Brooke
to meet their families.

Hey, Brian, I can't wait
to meet your family.

Yeah, me, too. They're pretty great.

Brian, welcome home, you son of a bitch!

So, did you loose?
You got to tell me all about it.

Hey, how was your bachelorette?

Was she a dumb bimbo like you said
but with a big rack.

Come on in and tell me everything.

I bet your stories will make me laugh
so hard, I'll shoot milk out of my nose.

Peter, this is Brooke, the bachelorette.

She's having dinner with us tonight.

I went over this with you
a few minutes ago.

Why, it's wonderfuI to meet you.
We've heard so many nice things.

Yes, indeed.
So, how long have you been a prostitute?

No, Doug, I will not lift up her shirt.

Chris, we have company.

So, you ever been with a woman?

No.

- Peter!
- What?

There. Are you happy, Doug?

Christopher Cross Griffin,
what are you doing?

Joe, what are you doing here?

Peter, we have proof that it was Chris
who vandallzed Goldman's Pharmacy.

I knew it.
I didn't want to believe it, but it's true.

Oh, God, what happened to my baby.

Who sold you the drugs?

I can't believe this!

...what a cavity search is.

You made my mom cry tonight, Doug.

I don't think you're a very good friend.

I am not gonna listen to you anymore.

Oh, yeah? I'm inside your head now, fatty.

And I just might reach into your brain
and do this.

Okay, I'll listen.

That's my boy.

Now, grab my bacon grease
and slather me up some homeys.

- What's going on, man?
- Wassup, dog.

Yeah, where are all the whiteheads at?

Brian, we've had some wonderfuI times.
I really like you.

Look, I understand. It's okay.

I hope you and Quagmire
have all the happiness in the world.

But I am choosing you.

Just promise me
you'll make him wear this... What?

You're choosing me?
After what happened with my family?

Well, it wasn't as bad as the evening
I spent with Glenn and his mother.

Glenn, would you feed Mittens?

Mittens has food in his bowI.

That's old food!

Mittens, shut up!

Don't you talk to Mittens that way.
Mittens is a member of this family.

Mom, you want this three-way to happen,
you're gonna have to change your tone.

My God, you've just made me
the happiest dog in the world.

- I love you, Brooke.
- I love you, too, Brian.

all right, that's a wrap.

Well, it was great working with you, Brian.
Good luck.

What are you talking about?
What about us?

Oh, stop it. It's just TV.

- Hi, Brian.
- MichaeI Eisner?

On behalf of ABC,
I'd like to give you this parting gift.

A bill for the mansion.

No givesies-backsies!

Hey, Brooke, it's me again, Brian.

Hi. Wasn't sure
if you got my last message...

or any of the other ones.
Anyway, I'll just leave a quick message...

'cause you might be trying
to call me right now.

And I don't want to tie up the line.
So, I guess...

I guess... Yeah, give me a call.

Okay, I'm hanging up...

in three, two, one.

Okay, call me back.

I'll be here all day, and tonight.

Okay, bye.

Hey, me again. Thought I might've
heard a voice when I was hanging up.

Nope? I guess not.
Okay, I will talk to you soon.

Hello? No. Sorry.

Hey, babe. Just trying you again.

Listening to our guy Coltrane,
you know. Okay.

Anyway, I got a fax earlier
about cheap airfare to Cancun.

Didn't know if that was you
trying to reach me.

Let me give you my home number again
just in case you lost it.

- Voicemall is full.
- Damn.

- Package for Brooke Roberts.
- Oh, that's me. Thanks.

Hey, there. Me again.

Your voicemall was full,
so I got you this answering machine.

So, what's going on?

I was thinking about
doing something tonight-

Hey, you're home.

Listen, Brian, I want you
to leave me alone, or I'm calling the cops.

Brooke, I'm so in love with you

Chris, where the hell are we?

I told you, Doug, this is the bacon factory.

Doctor, I need you to get rid of this zit.

- You traitor!
- That's a doozy.

I bet some of those awfuI kids at schooI
call you zit-face.

- No.
- Pop-a-zit.

- No.
- Puspeak.

- No.
- Fat ass?

- Yeah.
- That's terrible.

We're gonna have to use
some cortisone on that.

Oh, yeah? Two can play at that game.

Don't think I won't do it, man.

all right, let's all be cooI here.

No!

You okay, fat ass?

She told me she loved me
on what used to be a hit TV show.

I can't believe I got sucked into
that phony reallty world...

just like everyone else.
I became the very thing I was mocking.

I know it hurts now, Brian,
but look at the bright side.

You have some new materiaI
for that noveI you've been writing.

You know, the noveI
you've been working on.

You know, the one
you've been working on for three years.

You know, the noveI.

You got something new
to write about now, you know.

Maybe a main character
gets into a relationship...

then suffers a little heartbreak.

Something like
what you've just been through.

Draw from a reaI-life experience.

Little heartbreak, you know,
work it into the story.

Make those characters
a little more three-dimensionaI.

A little richer experience for the reader.

Make those second hundred pages...

really keep the reader guessing
what's going to happen.

Some twists and turns. Little epilogue.

Everybody learns the hero's journey
isn't always a happy one.

Yeah, I look forward to reading it.