Family Guy (1998–…): Season 4, Episode 6 - Petarded - full transcript

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

all the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

Peter, this game night was a great idea.

Yeah, this will be a lot more fun
than last Saturday...



when we went to see
The Vagina Monologues.

So, in internationaI news,
no luck yet finding Osama bin Laden.

So the government is trying a new tactic.
They've hired Jeff Gillooly.

Gillooly.

Sorry, I guess that joke was not so fresh,
but you know...

Okay, Joe. Right foot, green.

all right, let's do it!

Yes! I am the king!

Thanks for including
my civiI rights board game...

in the game night rotation, guys.

We're always happy to play
Two Decades of Dignity.

It makes us all feeI a little less guilty.

For whistling at a white woman,
go directly to jall.

Man, does anyone ever win at this game?



You don't win.
You just do a little better each time.

Okay, everybody, time for paintball.

I forgot to pick up the paintball guns.

Well, we could use these.
I brought them from the office.

Peter, is it safe to be firing reaI guns
at each other in the house?

all right, all right, nobody fire at Lois.
She's scared.

all right, one, two, three, go!

Missed, you ass.

- Damn it, Peter, that hurt.
- Relax, Quagmire.

You're doing better than Peter Weller
from the opening scene of RoboCop.

Well, now that the mess is cleaned up and
we're back from the emergency room...

it's time for the last game of the night,
TriviaI Pursuit.

Man, I hate TriviaI Pursuit.
Always makes me feeI so stupid.

More stupid than that time
you locked your keys out of the car?

Damn it!

Hey! Hey! Somebody! Hey!

Hey, sir! Sir, you see those keys there? Sir!

Oh, screw you!

all right, Brian, this one's for you.

"What naturally occurring element has
the highest melting point of all metals?"

- Cadmium?
- Sorry, tungsten.

Dumb ass. My turn. What do you got?

Okay, here we go.
"What color is a fire truck?"

Oh, God, I always get these.

Okay, all right, fire truck.

Fire truck, fire truck, fire truck, fire truck,
what color are those red fire trucks?

Oh, God, I can picture them now,
all red and everything.

That's right, Peter, they are red.

Lois, what are you doing?

I switched Peter's questions
to the pre-schooI edition.

Just to let him have his moment.

Good thing I just watched that
NationaI Geographic speciaI on fire trucks.

A solitary killer,
the fire truck stalks its prey.

The fire truck can consume
eight times its body weight.

The ambulances
will have to wait their turn.

Okay, Brian, "Name the 16th century
ecumenicaI body...

"that marked a major turning point
for Christianity in Europe. "

I think that was the CounciI of Trent.

You could not be more wrong.

The answer is Phyllis Diller.

- Peter, you're reading the pink-
- My turn.

Okay, Peter, this is for the win.

"Say the word 'what. "'

Wow. Okay.

This really separates the men
from the boys.

Peter, just say "what. "

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, now, Lois.
This is not a race.

Okay, I wanna say "who. "

Oh, boy.

Fantastic Four.

Fantastic Four, steak, steak, steak, steak,
a small amount of peas.

Is it "what?"

That's right. You win, Peter. You did it.

Oh, my God! I won. I won!

My dad's smarter than your dad.

- We have the same dad, idiot.
- Yeah, but mine's smarter.

What a feeling.

This is even better than that time
I met Timer the Cheese Guy.

I hanker for a hunk of
A slab or slice or chunk of

I hanker for a hunk of cheese

When your get-up-and-go
has got up and went

Howdy, pardner.

Pardon me, sir. I live next door.

It is 3:30 in the morning. I am very tired.

Look, a wagon wheeI.

What the hell is your problem?

I just smoked a whole bunch of crack.

Good night, losers.

Well, game night was a success.

Peter, you do know that all your questions
were incredibly easy.

Yeah, easy for me. Good night, morons.

You ever stop and think,
"Wow, I'm married to that guy"?

No, I just repress it.

- Is that healthy?
- What's the worst that could happen?

I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor

I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor

I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor

Oh, oh, oh, I'm a tumor

The administration's plan for peace
in the Middle East is shallow and pedantic.

I agree. Shallow and pedantic.

I agree as well. Shallow and pedantic.

Everything all right. Peter?

Well, Lois, since you asked, I find
this meatloaf rather shallow and pedantic.

What is this,
you're gonna talk down to everyone...

just because you won a game
of TriviaI Pursuit?

Perhaps.

Okay, you know what?
Fine, you are a genius, Peter.

As a matter of fact, let's make it officiaI.

You ever heard
of the MacArthur genius grant?

Perhaps.

Well, if you quallfy as a genius...

the Foundation will give you
a $500,000 grant...

just to sit around
and do whatever you want.

Wow! Imagine what a genius like me
could do with all that money.

all right, Cloris Leachman,
I've bought you legally.

Now juggle these beanbags.

I don't know how to juggle-

God help you, Cloris!
Juggle the beanbags!

You may begin your exam now.

A dog says...

A cow says...

Of course, of course.

Well, here they are, Brian. My test results.
Read them and weep.

Peter, according to this,
you're not a genius.

In fact, you're mentally retarded.

Oh, yeah?
Well, would a mentally retarded guy...

have hired a bulldozer with a drunk driver
to leveI half of his house...

in celebration of his fantastic test results?

Maybe.

Uh-oh.

Congratulations.

So, as you can see, you are just
over the line of mentaI retardation.

Don't you mean, just under the line?

The day I'm corrected by a...

I'm sorry. Just please trust the analysis.

Hello. Sally?

Hey, it's Peter Griffin.

That's right, senior prom.
Yeah. Yeah, it's been a while, yeah.

So, listen.

I just found out I'm retarded.

And I'm just calling to let you know...

you might want to get yourself tested.

Hello?

Peter, mentaI retardation usually happens
before you're born.

It isn't something you can catch.
Don't you think you're overreacting?

Well, excuse me for being retarded.

My whole world
has been turned upside down.

Black is east, up is white.

You know, Peter, I hate to say "I told you
so" about not being a genius, but...

yeah! In your... face,...!

I'm sorry about that.

I can't believe this is happening to me.
I can never go back to schooI again.

Oh, yes, Meg, yes.

Yes, everything was going
swimmingly for you untiI this.

Yes, this is the thing
that will ruin your reputation.

Not your years of grotesque appearance
or awkward sociaI graces...

or that Felix Unger-ish way
you clear your sinuses.

No, no, no, it's this.

Do you hear yourself talk?
I might kill you tonight.

Peter, you're still you.

No piece of paper from the city
is gonna tell me...

you're any different
from the man I married.

And your life's not gonna change
because of it.

What is that?

Oh, my God, what are they doing?

Why are they trying
to publicly humiliate me like this?

I mean, what's the purpose...
Shiny red ball.

Peter, watch out!

So what can I do for you, Peter?

Well, Joe, I need to talk to you
about something kind of personaI.

- Shoot.
- Well, you know, I took this test...

and it sort of turns out
that I'm technically mentally retarded.

And, you know, I just wanted to ask...

you know, how do you deaI with it?

- DeaI with what?
- You know, with being retarded.

Peter, I'm not retarded. I'm handicapped.

Now you're just splitting hairs.

Hi, Cleveland

Hi, Joseph

What's the story, morning glory?
What's the word, hummingbird?

Have you heard?
Peter Griffin is slow

Can he still drive a car?
Can he drink at a bar?

Will they let him have kids?
Is his life on the skids?

Hello, Mrs. Griffin,
it's your neighbor, Quagmire

Now that Peter's mentaI
You probably have some needs

He's retarded
Peter is

He's retarded
Peter is

He's retarded
Peter is slow

Griffin. Party of two.

Mr. Griffin, we've been expecting you.

Peter, relax. It's for liability reasons.

Now, let's just try to enjoy our meaI.

I kind of get the helmet.
But what's with the water wings?

Well, you did order the soup.

Like something could happen...

Get me out!

These water wings didn't help at all.

This is the worst day of my life.

Now, there are plenty of people
who have had worse days.

A parking ticket. I was gone five minutes.

How could this day get any worse?

Oh, my God.

Oh, no!

I wish I could just close my eyes
and make all this go away.

Peter, look out!

Holy crap!

Oh, my God!

Mr. Tucker, are you all right?

Do I look like I'm all right?
My back is broken and my leg is twisted!

Oh, my God! Your hooker's dead.

Well, she was already dead,
but that doesn't excuse...

Wait a minute.
You're Peter Griffin, the retarded fellow.

- Yeah.
- Well, then don't worry about it.

Wait a minute. You mean
you're not even gonna call the cops?

Oh, my God.
I could get away with anything.

"And on the sixth day, God said:

"'Let the Earth bring forth
the living creatures and-"'

Bible fight!

- Sorry. Retarded.
- That's okay then.

- Don't know any better.
- Bless your heart.

Jeez, didn't you hear me a second ago?
I'm retarded.

You're just curious.

Well, let me show you
how everything works down there.

Hey, everyone.

Say hello to my state-appointed
inspirationaI sociaI worker, Vern.

It's truly a pleasure to meet you all.

Hey, Peter, looks like you've got yourself
one super family.

High five! all right!

So, Vern, what exactly is it that you do?

I'm here to lend a hand
to my main man, Peter.

- Right, Peter?
- Right.

High five! all right!

Done.

- Peter!
- What? I don't know any better.

Peter, I don't like this.

You are really starting to take advantage
of this whole situation.

Peter's just expressing himself.

High five for expressing yourself, Peter.

High five! all right!

This man seems bent on diluting
the already watered-down significance...

of the elevated hand slap.

- Hey, Stewie, high five.
- Well, it's about time.

- Psych.
- Damn!

I look even more foolish
than when I was at that cocktall party.

all right, you're gonna love this. So...
Hang on a sec.

Okay, so these two black guys
walk into a bar, and the bartender looks-

Hey, what are you guys talking about?

I was just telling a joke.

So, the bartender looks around and says:

"What'll you two fine gentlemen have?"

And they paid their tab
and couldn't have been more courteous.

all right, my first trip to a fast-food joint
as a retarded guy.

Excuse me, pardon me, coming through.
SpeciaI needs.

Yeah, I'll have a... Is this thing on?

Attention, restaurant customers.
Testicles. That is all.

Give me that.

Sorry, folks. Oh, my God.
Is that what my voice sounds like?

It's all whiney and nasally.

You know what?
I'm just gonna get my own food.

- Peter, get back here.
- No freaking way.

The fryolator. I am so taking this.

Lois, you look worse than
that Rocky Dennis kid from Mask.

Rocky, I don't even know
what you look like.

- Can I touch your face?
- Of course, Diana.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. What is this?

What is all this?

Am I touching the outside of a house?

Oh, God! You're a monster.

I'm beautifuI on the inside.

Yeah, but, Rocky, there's a limit.

What is this now?
Does your face have a pelvis?

Oh, God, what have I done?
I'm the worst husband ever.

Make that the worst father ever.

Hi, I'm Agent Jessup from Child Services.
I'm here to take your kids away.

What? Why?

Because you're mentally unfit
to take care of them.

No way!

- Oh, my God.
- Finally.

I can't believe they took the kids away.

Well, at least Cleveland offered
to take care of them.

Sorry you have to share a bed, boys.
I'm a little short on space.

Have a good sleep.

Hey, Chris...

whatever happened to Geena Davis?

She used to be in movies,
but she's not in movies anymore.

She's attractive enough...

but when she smiles,
you see too much gum.

Not a good tooth-to-gum ratio.

Chris?

I'll tell you tomorrow.

Thanks for letting my friends sleep over,
Mr. Brown.

No problem, Meg.

If y'all get hungry,
there's some cottage cheese in the fridge.

I'm gonna get me a spoonfuI now
before y'all have at it.

Oh, my God.
Craig Hoffman's new car is so cooI.

Oh, my God. Totally. I love the color.

Really? What color is it?

It's like blue, kind of blue-green.

It's the same color as his eyes.

Wow. I bet he looks so hot driving it.

I heard he bought it from his dad.

Yeah, I remember his dad
dropped him off at schooI in it...

one time when he was a freshman.

- Doesn't his dad live in Hartford?
- I think so.

My aunt Sheila lives in Hartford.

They have a mall there that's pretty cooI.
It's part underground.

That's awesome.

Damn it, you guys are boring
the crap out of me.

It's stupid, mindless chatter, is what it is.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm just gonna go back to my place
and rent a dirty movie.

This is ridiculous.

That was weird. Oh, well.
Hey, let's compare breasts.

Lois? Hey, how you doing, honey?

Listen, there's no toilet paper
in the bathroom...

so, I'm just gonna...

There we go.

Oh, God. Hang on!

The doctors still don't know how
much longer she's gonna have to be here.

I feeI horrible, Brian.

I put Lois in the hospitaI, and I lost the
kids.

This is turning out worse
than Stewie's iPod commerciaI.

Peter, you just need to show
what a good father you are.

Then you can get
the kids back from Cleveland.

Wait a second, Brian. You're right.

And the best way to do that is to show
what a terrible father Cleveland is.

This plan is so perfect, it's retarded.

Good evening. I'm Dan Rather.

And tonight on CBS News...

seven Saudi soldiers sodomize...

severaI of Saddam's
southern settlement squatters.

I'm Dan Rather.

all right, come on, ladies. Right this way.

This'll show them
that Cleveland's not fit to be a parent.

So, tell me, is there any tread left
on the tires at all?

Or at this point, would it be like
throwing a hot dog down a hallway?

Oh, my Lord. Look who's here.

Agent Jessup,
look at all these prostitutes.

One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven

Seven. Seven prostitutes.

This is a shakedown.

Mr. Griffin, this isn't going to work.

Yeah. Peter, you and five
of those prostitutes, get out.

So, in conclusion, Peter Griffin,
you've inspired me...

to distrust
all mentally challenged parents.

Thank you, Your Honor.

And thank you, Agent Jessup,
for your comically misleading remarks.

Mr. Griffin, do you have anything to say
in your defense...

as to why this court should return custody
of your children to you?

Your Honor, I would like to call
to the stand my surprise witness...

The Ghost That Never Lies.

But I'm the only one
who can see him and hear him...

so I'll let everyone know
what he's saying and doing.

Objection, Your Honor. This is ridiculous.

Overruled. I'll allow it.

You better be going somewhere
with this, Mr. Griffin.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Ghost That Never Lies...

did you witness the events
that took place on that fatefuI day?

You did? Well, how interesting.

And, do you see the culprit or culprits
in this courtroom today?

You do?

Well, would you kindly
point him or them out for this court?

Don't point at me, you jackass!

Well, if there's nothing further,
I hereby sentence-

Wait, wait, wait.
Your Honor, there is something further.

Look, I know I screwed up big time.

But I only did it
so I could get my kids back.

I love them.

And I think it's a bum rap
that just because I'm retarded...

that makes me an unfit parent.

There are plenty of unfit parents out there
who aren't retarded...

but they get to keep their kids.

Bing Crosby, Joan Crawford.
I think the Ramseys still got one left.

I just want them back, Your Honor,
and you're the only one who can help me.

What do you say?

Are you kidding? You're a monster.

In fact, if I could...

I would put you in a place where you
would be removed from the generaI public.

Perhaps locked in a big, secure building
with other dangerous people...

for a pre-determined period of time...

based on the nature and degree
of your offense.

Unfortunately, as far as I know,
no such place exists.

So I have no choice but to set you free.

Does that mean I get my kids back?

Absolutely not. Case closed.

Oh, crap!

It was prison you were thinking of. Prison.

I already banged the hammer.

And now,
back to Jake and the Fatman.

Hey, look over here on the carpet.
That's a cigarette butt.

This is probably evidence.

What do you think was in that Danish?

You think it was cheese?

'Cause I got a little problem with cheese.

Hey, I'm talking about evidence here.
There's lipstick on it.

Yeah, well, can you bring it over to me?

I can't move it. This is a crime scene.

Well, can you describe it to me?

You know what? Forget it.
I'll take care of this, okay?

Oh, no. Just...

Just let me close my eyes for a minute.

Look, I know his wife is a smoker.

Just yesterday,
when we saw her at the country club...

she had a cigarette in her hand.

What, so that's it, Peter?
You're just giving up?

I don't know what else to do, Brian.

I guess we're never
gonna be a family again.

- Hi, Peter.
- Oh, my God, Lois.

- You're all better.
- That's right.

And the doctors say I'll smell like
French fries for the next six months.

I'll enjoy that.

And, Peter, I got a surprise for you.

You got the kids back.

I love you so much,
delicious French-fry wife.

Now we can live with you again
even though you're a dangerous retard.

Don't say "retard," Chris.
We prefer to be called "little people. "

Because there's nothing wrong
with being mentally challenged.

In fact, I've learned
that we are superior people.

Above all you dumb brainy smarties.

Someday, you will beg us for mercy
and we will consider it.

Isn't it wonderfuI
that everything's back to normaI?

Yeah.

Oh, God. Nobody move.

- What is it?
- Nothing. Nothing. I'll get it.